Drinking His Urine

A journal entry from Monday, July 29, 2002

Last night I woke up with a dream......

He was telling me to open my mouth to accept his urine but I shook my head no. He slapped me and told again to open my mouth and accept his urine. I said no. I am not quite sure why my dreams often have me being insolent when in an actually in day to day serving and life as a slave -- I am not insolent at all. Anyway, he then told me I would not get another drink of *anything* that day for refusing to drink his urine. And again I was insolent and just said, "okay fine." I was stubborn and thought going without drinking would be just fine. So of course all day the things he had me eat made me want have a drink. A peanut butter sandwich being one, pasty mac-n-cheese and spicy food. All the while he laughed at me for being stubborn. I tried to put on a sweet smile like it wasn't a big deal but of course he could see through it. But in the end I beg for his urine. Begging for drink. I was allowed to drink. But still was punished for being insolent.

So most of the time when I do dream about being "bad" in a dream - I wake up feeling guilty and upset. But this time I woke up extremely turned on and promptly masturbated myself into endless orgasms.

Sex Meme

I am answering these based on what I consider my firsts. And again this meme is taken from padme amidala.

The first time I heard about sex, I thought it was...exciting. I was very young. And the thought just took my breath-away.

My first experience with self stimulation was...again very young. I don't remember the first time but I do remember at my grandparents house rubbing myself against the the foot board of the bed. It had craving to make it have bumps on it so straddling it and rubbing against it felt good. I also knotted this rope and rubbed against the knot.

The furthest I have ever gone in a parked car was...all the way. All sorts of sex and sm in a parked car.

The first method of contraception I ever used was... condoms.

When a man tells me a dirty joke, it usually makes me...blush. But really depends on the joke.

The first time I had an orgasm, I thought I was...naughty but it felt so good.

The grossest person I have ever shared a bed with was...a client. Consensually grossest was a client when I was an escort that just didn't smell very good and liked to suck my feet -- I hate my feet being touched.

The rottenest thing I ever did to escape having sex was...told the truth that I didn't want to have sex with the person. I could see that it hurt his feelings. But I am not a very good liar.

The excuse I most often hear for not making love is... that I really don't hear excuses from Master - anymore (now that he works at home). When he was doing his other job he was too tired at times. In my marriage -- my ex-husband would tell I was a nympho and he didn't think we should be having so much sex because it was wrong. (shaking head and rolling eyes)

My favorite method of flirting is......hmm haven't flirted in a long time. It is a look...with eyes and smile.

The most I have ever "come on" with a girlfriend's man was... - I haven't. Maybe flirted but nothing more and nothing more then my girlfriend has been comfortable with...at least I hope. I can't think of ever coming on to a friend's man. At least not friends that were monogamous.

I believe I am dressed the sexiest when I am wearing... just an man's dress shirt maybe paired with heels. (the key phrases in this were "I believe" -- I feel the sexist dressed this way. But I know Master's clothing fetishes really don't align with that although this morning I got out of the shower and put on a man's dress shirt and he said that I looked very sexy in it.

If I ever surprised my man in the act of self-stimulation, I would probably... ask him what he wants me to do stay and join in or go.

If I were to describe male sexual equipment in one word, it would have to be...delicious!

The thought of making love to two men at the same time really makes me... umm a bit turned on. :)

If I were to estimate how often I fantasize about making love to a strange man, it would be...not often. I fantasize about Master and then very rarely a past lover but really if it is not Master it is most likely one of my clients from when I was an escort.

If my friends all decided to skinny dip, I would probably...join in - it just depended on the friends.

If my mate and I were sharing a hotel room with another couple who started to make love, I would probably... do what Master wanted. Playing with another couple though could be very fun!

If on a first date the subject of birth control came up, I would...talk about it to decide what we would do if in that situation. And if not brought up I would probably bring it up. I am all about safe sex!

While making love to my mate, I sometimes fantasize about... nothing because I am usually just enjoying the moment - the feelings and sensations.

If a stripper gave me the opportunity to remove his/her last piece of clothing I would...take my time and enjoy the moment.

If I were to wear a costume to make love, I would dress as...a naughty schoolgirl

If my lover agreed to wear a costume of my choice before making love, I would choose...a police uniform or military uniform not even dress just everyday.

The wildest sexual aid I have ever used was... nothing that wild...at least to me. I think most of my sex aids have been pretty "normal" things that people try out - cucumbers, candles, handle of paddle or brush, shampoo bottle. I have used ben gay, breath drops, toothpaste and mouth wash too.

The most pleasure I have ever had with a foreign object was...shampoo bottle - just the circumstances surrounding it made it very exciting and pleasurable.

The last sexual request I refused was..., I believe a blow job because I couldn't breath due to allergies (and didn't really refuse just gave Master the facts and he changed things up then).

The last sexual request someone refused me was...probably before Master or when we were first together and he denied orgasms.

The thought of making love during pregnancy makes me... glad I am not pregnant.

The thought of making love during "that time of the month" leaves me... with mixed feelings. I am incredibly turned on but at times the thought of sex when I am bleeding heavy just doesn't sound like fun.

My favorite fantasy involving a hot tub is... that I really don't have fantasies involving hot tubs. Just regular bathtubs well...of course I do.

My favorite fantasy involving a romantic location is...being up in the mountains in a cabin/condo with a fire going in the fireplace. Sipping wine and just having a nice romantic evening with Master.

My favorite fantasy involving a famous man is... or has been about Joseph Gorden Levitt because of that GQ layout. And any of the poses he did with Claudia I would be happy to do.

My favorite fantasy involving a man I know (who isn't my mate) is...replaying some experiences with clients when I was an escort.

My favorite fantasy involving a woman I know is...replaying experiences with a past lover or two.

The last time a man tried to pick me up was...hmmm I don't know....does online count? I had a weird mix up with my business cards and the man was obviously trying to pick me up.

My favorite fantasy involving sex in a public place is...again replying experiences I have had in public places.

The most public place I ever made love was...in the car at a drive in movie theater. I mean the most people around. But I have had sex bent over the hood of the car a few times too but that has been at times when it would highly unlikely to run into people.

When I finally lost my virginity, I was....16 (consensually lost my virginity). I was tied up and spanked too!

I think the maximum number of men I am physically capable of making love to in a single day is... quite a few. When I was younger it was even more. But I think probably 4. When I was an escort, I had sex with 3 clients in one day (I actually didn't like more then 1 but did do 2 at times). And then came home and had sex with a lover too. I have also had sexual intercourse with one man about 10 times in a 24 hour period. When I was young, I participated in what is called a train....one guy after another. And there were probably about 8 to 10 guys. But that wasn't completely a great experience (longer story then I have brain power for right now.)

I really like having a tongue stuck in my...in my mouth.

I really hate having a tongue stuck in (between) my...toes but I also am not a fan of tongue in my ear.

Is there a Lost & Found of Blog Posts?

When I am just about to drift off to sleep I think of things I want to blog about but of course I can't remember any of it in the morning! Well hopefully the deeply profound insights I had at 3am will come back. (yeah I know that they weren't deeply profound - I was being a little sarcastic.)

Information Overload

Okay so....
I am on FetLife as danae (which is my current obsession)
I am on Livejournal as danaewhispering and have an icon community unexpectedbox, help mod dinner_ideas because you know I love all things domestic.
I have a tumblr - as danaewhispering
I have a twitter as danaewhispering
I am on My Dungeon Space as danae (although I don't sign in there very often)
And I am on The Slave Register as danaewhispering (which is now Seek Discipline too - not sure I am understanding why/how yet and I haven't signed in there -- in a while -- well I did tonight to remember if I was danae or danaewhispering.)

Anything else? OMG is that enough? As I titled this Information Overload!

2 Announcements

One on a play going on and the other to support a gay storyline on a soap opera....

1. I nabbed this from cunningminx

It's the stage version of The Ethical Slut and it just opened at the Broom Street Theater in Madison, Wisconsin. Writer/director John Sable has created a live theater version of this poly classic, now playing at Madison’s Broom Street Theater, May 2-June 8, 2008

Carol and Chris are the typical middle-class urban couple. They’re married. They’re in love. The each have a girlfriend on the side. Adapted from “The Ethical Slut” by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, Multiple O tells the story of one couple’s mis-adventures as they learned how to create a healthy non-monogamous lifestyle the hard way - by making every mistake in the book.

This show contains significant amounts of nudity and sexual content. No one under 18 will be admitted.


2. As the World Turns has a gay plot line. And I am THRILLED they that do as it is a soap opera that I grew up on as my Mom and Grandma watched/watch it. Noah and Luke have gained some attention and been called repulsive and immoral which is just silly. The American Family Association wants Proctor & Gamble to stop the story line. P&G has a phone poll to ask if they should keep it or get rid of it and even if you don't watch the show I would like to ask that people call and do the poll. It is touch button you don't have to talk to anyone. Just call 1-800-331-3774 and press #2 to get to the As the World Turns poll, then press #1 to continue the storyline. Thank you!

Sex Preferences

Meme taken from padme amidala

1. Sex in the Morning or Sex at Night? I prefer sex in the afternoon. But between sex in the morning or night.....I like night better.

2. Better Sex Music - Sade or Marvin Gaye? Both...I like both - I admit it. Though we usually have SM play before sex so most of the time it is something that is harder or with a beat that is good for spanking.

3. Naughty Pics or Naughty Home Videos? Naughty pics

4. Fabulous Sex With: Dr. Doug Ross or Dr. Greg House? I don't know who Dr. Doug Ross is....is that George Clooney on ER? Well anyway I know it wouldn't be Dr. House - I don't watch house but did once and I didn't like him.

5. Vibrator or Dildo? Vibrator....I heart my Hitatchi

6. Bedroom Sex: Lights Off or Lights On? I much prefer lights off and candles going but afternoon sex is my preference so no lights just natural light from windows. But if I am having sex at night...I would prefer some light. Not too bright but I like to see what we are doing.

7. Word Preference: Pussy or Cunt? Pussy....although I don't have a problem with either word. I just like pussy better then cunt.

8. Spanking Over the Knee or Spanking Only During Sex? How about spanking anytime - anyway! :) I never liked spankings until Master. Oh the love of a drummer.

9. More Exciting: Sex in an Elevator or Sex in an Aeroplane? I stole this meme from padme and I am with her sex in elevator - as the size of the bathroom on an airplane umm no...I can't picture sex in the teeny tiny bathrooms. I have never had sex in an elevator though - spankings, heavy making out, slapped, punched but not sex. Just lots of yummy foreplay.

10. Ron Jeremy or Peter North? Peter North. Although neither do really anything for me.


11. Word Preference: Cock or dick? Cock

12. Linda Lovelace or Jenna Jameson? Jenna Jameson - I think my ex-husband had some pornos with her in them. He seemed to like her.

13. Rope Bondage or Bondage Tape? Rope bondage but I do enjoy the bondage tape too. But rope bondage is something that I REALLY REALLY enjoy!

14. Give Rim Job or Receive Anal Sex? Anal sex....although I have enjoyed giving and receiving rim jobs.

15. Get Rich Stripping in a Skanky Bar or Get Rich as a Call Girl for Celebs? Call girl....already done that and enjoyed it.

16. Which Threesome - Boy/Girl/Girl or Boy/Boy/Girl? I have been with multiple men at once but that was years and years and years ago. And it is something I would like to re-experience but I don't think that will happen. I think boy/girl/girl is easier for me as well as fun too!

17. Flavored Oil or Tingling Oil? Tingling oil - - although anything sticky like either of the choices aren't as fun as they usually sound.

18. Pearl Necklace or Swallow? I enjoy both but I would have to say pearl necklace has become really something I enjoy. Not really pearl necklace in the "official" meaning of it. But I just like wearing Master's cum. Feeling it on me.

19. Sex While Strangers Watch or Sex With a Stranger? I have done sex with strangers in the past and enjoyed. I have had sex while strangers watched too. But I have to say sex with a stranger is easier for me then having a stranger watch. But what sounds even more fun is watching Master with someone....stranger or a "friend."

20. Tied to the Bed or to a St Andrew’s Cross? Both please but I think I like being tied to the bed more. Because I know where that is going to end up. :)

I am 40.....and Self Conscious

If you read Master's blog you will have read that I made a comment about age appropriateness of what someone was wearing the other day.

We were in Office Depot on Sunday and as Master was checking out a lady came in. I was watching her as Master was checking out. She was wearing a dress that was about 1 or 2 inches past her bottom, fishnets and heels (more detailed description later in the post.)

Anyway, I was looking at her and kind of amazed she was wearing what she was...normally in the past I wouldn't have given her a second thought. Or maybe have thought what Master said, "is that her Sunday best?" But the age appropriate comment was way out of left field for me. But I turned 40 this year and with it has come lots of internal dialog. So on the way out Master looked at her too and I said, "that was so not age appropriate." I instantly realized what I said and then I got upset because it brought home why I said it. I am getting older and I have been going through lots of --- I won't be able to do various things because I am too old now and just won't ever have a chance to experience them again. And I am just old and so have to do what others at my age do. It wasn't that I don't think a 40 year old can dress sexy. I know I can even at 40. What made me say it is because my internal dialog has convinced me I am old so I am to be like other women of my age. So that comment wouldn't have happened a couple years ago because it would have never crossed my mind. But because of the internal dialog I have been having since turning 40 - it came up and I was instantly upset that I said it.

Now all that said - I know also even if I didn't say it I would have thought I didn't like what she was wearing. I would have thought it was great that she was trying to show off her slutty side. But because my mind has been trained/conditioned to see what is sexy per Master's desires (not completely mind you as there are something I still have trouble wrapping my mind around but in the list of things that say sexy to Master) she didn't hit the mark. And I actually did make the comment that she would have been more sexy in other things and still looked age appropriate by "normal" standards. Such as if she had been wearing a pencil skirt, a satin blouse maybe with a some cleavage showing, spiked heels - she would have looked damn hot. Instead she I think was trying to look sexy by wearing things that "people" say is sexy - mini skirt/dress, fishnets and heels. But just because it is those things doesn't mean it looks sexy. She was wearing a crushed velvet print mini dress with dark autumn leaves, fishnets and what I call conservative business heel - rounded toe, square heel - not the chunky platforms just a square heel. (Similar to these but her heel was just a little taller.) When I told Master what I thought she should have been wearing to look sexy - he of course agreed as it hit his clothing fetish.

Okay so on to the next part....I made the comment that if she wanted to be wearing that go home and give her guy a lap dance. And again maybe that was coming from inner dialog of I am 40 and old. But I think it has more to do with my views and that I would have been self-conscious in such an outfit in Office Depot. I totally get that everyone is different. I am just saying I wouldn't want to wear what she was wearing to Office Depot. To a bar, to a strip club or lifestyle event/party totally get it as it was trashy and slutty. And I have totally dressed in a similar way and have things in the closet to fit that description. But if I was wanting to be going out shopping and looking sexy - it would be something else because I am just not comfortable with it outside certain circumstances.

I am sad that I have become very self-conscious and even wearing something like it to a bar or strip club now - today - I would be a little panicked. I don't dress like I used to when in Ohio so I think have become more self-conscious because it is not normal for me anymore. And I really struggle over it because even at home with Master alone I still feel self-conscious. When I was in Ohio, I was going to lifestyle meetings, out with friends, play parties and such and dressing up was just normal for me so I was used to it. It was just part of my life. And yes I was self-conscious then too but it isn't nearly the level it is now and I just did it because well I was going out. Now dressing up just isn't something I have opportunity to do in public.

Case in point Master recently bought me a blouse. Now I love the blouse on the hanger but when I put it on I felt very exposed as my cleavage is a focal point of the blouse. I wore it out shopping one day and every place we went into -- each clerk said something about the blouse and I had stares in the store from other shoppers. It made me even more uncomfortable knowing all those eyes were on me. It was a cute fashionable blouse -- nothing inappropriate about it. But I still was very aware of the eyes on me while wearing it. Six years ago I wouldn't have thought twice about wearing it. I would have been excited to wear it. And I really don't think it has anything to do with age. It is just the view of me has changed. I am not used to dressing that way.

So although I wouldn't wear a crushed velvet mini-dress in Office Depot - I still would have problems dressing sexy in public because I have self-image issues. But initially the comment came out of my mouth because of my inner dialog about age -- which I logically can say is silly. I just haven't been able to get my logical to align with the emotions.

Competing/Comparison

From an older Daily OM Horoscope that I saved....

"Choosing not to compete with the people in your life allows you to live up to your standards without worrying about theirs. When you measure your achievements against other people’s accomplishments, it is easy to become defensive because there will always be someone who has accomplished more. Eschewing competition means you can narrow your focus and concentrate entirely on getting ahead rather than being distracted by the need to outdo someone else. Your aims will reflect your inner values and what you truly want out of life. The challenges you face will be ones you set for yourself, and no one else’s success will cause you to doubt yourself or your capabilities. Choose not to compete today, and you will be able to take greater pride in your accomplishments."

I am not really a competitive person but I fall into comparing myself with others. I get so hung up on what others have accomplished I end up setting myself up to fail or miss all the ways I do serve Master that are wonderful accomplishments.

I heard a little story about a zen master watching an archery competition and one competitor was really concentrating on winning. But he was doing very badly and someone asked the zen master why the person was doing badly and he said "his need to win drains him of power." That focusing on winning is putting energy to the future instead of just putting his energy into the now and just doing the competition.

And it can be similar to that I am so busy looking at others and what they are doing that I fail to live now - my life and/or miss all that great things we are doing in my relationship right now.

reality makes it a bit different

Lolita Wolf posted an answer to How much pain can you take? And she had a quote from Joseph Bean, "Bottoms lie." I was thinking of it in terms of overall relationships -- what we want in a relationship, what we desire in the moment or long term. And it isn't just bottoms, it is submissives, it is slaves, it is dominants, tops and Masters too...heck it is everyone - lifestyle or not. We go into the relationship thinking it will be one way - believing we can do all the things we desire and how we picture the relationship in our head, but it just doesn't happen that way. Reality of doing and even just being always changes. Being a slave is nice in theory. Even just negotiating a scene with a play partner is nice in theory. Every relationship is nice in theory. But reality can change it all. Often what we think and desire is too much for reality. It just can't fit. Or as Lolita said, "their fantasies are bigger than their realities."

All that said makes it kind of sound depressing....but actually I enjoy my reality. It makes me feel so at peace to accept reality. Because things don't always fit in reality doesn't make our life less exciting. It is an amazing journey even keeping it real

Isolation because Alone

A couple weeks ago when Master was out of town (he is out of town again this week which made me think of this) a good friend gave me a call to chat. And she recalled I don't have a car (gave it away to a neighbor in need). Master has a car that he takes when he goes out of town. So when he leaves there is no car here. He is gone often a week at time so I am completely alone for a week. She asked if I leave the house while he is out of town and frankly it is a rarity. I get the mail and take out the garbage.

Closet isolation is completely different headspace and at the same time similar. I sit here knowing I haven't talked to anyone but Master, I have went outside 2 times to get mail and once to bring out the garbage. And here alone. It does bring the reality that I am owned home (pun intended).

Yes in reality I could walk out this door and keep walking but on the other hand I can't. I think there is a difference -- fine line difference at times --- between being "able" to leave and "believing" you are able to leave. I also think there is a fine line between can do and will do.

Several years ago babalon gave an example that stuck in my head and summed it up for me.....
"A. Can I throw a puppy into speeding traffic? no.
B. Can I leave my owner [without his permission]? no."

It is the same for me. Is there some extreme circumstance where I could be able to do A or B? Yes...I am sure there is something out there that might make me believe I can do so. I am sure I have the ability but I don't think until I believe leaving is the last option in an extreme situation that I would actually be able to leave.

For me Him owning me equals I can't leave. I don't believe I can, I don't think I can, plus I don't want to leave. And just as I can't throw a puppy into traffic - I can't leave my owner. It goes against what I am emotionally/mentally conditioned to do - so I don't ponder or worry about leaving and I am glad it is that way.

And so this week at home alone without Master -- isolated without being locked up. A subtle reminder that I am owned. And of course in that odd way that it happens makes me feel good and loved.

Bishop

I posted a Bishop picture over on my tumblr.

Yes or No Meme

I have had a bad migraine cycle so not posted the answers to the last 2 questions.

So posting a meme....
Only two rules: You must answer yes or no. You may not explain unless someone asks.

Taken a picture naked? Yes
Made money illegally? Yes
Had a one night stand? Yes
Been in a fist fight? Yes
Slept with your best friend? No
Had sex in a public place? Yes
Ditched work to have sex? Yes
Slept with a member of the same sex? Yes
Seen someone die? No
Ran from the police? No
Woke up somewhere and not remember how you got there? No
Worn your partners unmentionables? No
Fallen asleep at work? Yes
Used toys in the bedroom? Yes
Ran a red light? Yes
Been fired? No
Been in a car accident? Yes
Pole danced or done a striptease? Yes
Loved someone you shouldn't? Yes
Sang karaoke? No
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? Yes
Laughed so hard you peed your pants? No
Caught someone having sex? Yes
Kissed a perfect stranger? Yes
Shaved your partner? Yes
Given your private parts a nickname? No
Ever gone in public without underwear? Yes
Had sex on a roof top? No
Played chicken? No
Mooned/flashed someone? No
Do you sleep naked? Yes
Blacked out from drinking? No
Felt like killing someone? No
Had sex more than 5 times in one day? Yes
Been with someone because they were in a band? No
Taken 10 shots of liquor in a day? No
Shot a gun? No
Gone outside naked? Yes

News Media

Okay so I clicked on this headline on yahoo.com - "Rape survivor hopes controversial T-shirt will help others" At the beginning of the piece they say that the person didn't want her image shown - but had her on phone interview. They showed her name and then an image of her website while she talked. Then they talked to another person/expert and then....they showed a picture of Heather in the t-shirt. She said she didn't want her picture shown and they did it anyway. How so very nice of them. (that is said with sarcasm just in case it isn't coming across in words on a screen.)

Heather was one of the reasons I started blogging. I have read her blog since 1999.

Kumimonster

I did want to pass this on...if you have a Livejournal account please check this out...
http://community.livejournal.com/kumicorps/994.html

Kumimonster the beautiful fetish bondage model had her LJ account deleted. It sounds like (please know this is all second hand/third/forth hand as I hadn't read her journal in a while) she posted a snippet of something that was copyrighted (which under copyright laws you can quote a limited amount without permission) and someone turned her in for abuse because they didn't like what she was saying in regards to it. And LJ gave her 2 options deletion of her LJ account or she just delete the entry. Well...the entry wasn't doing anything that violated LJ terms of abuse or copyright laws and she explained this to them and they still deleted her account.

So there is a petition to get her journal back. As always LJ seems to screw things up. I mean if they can't read the laws correctly anyone at LJ could be deleted that easily.


ps: Because I don't want to make an entry for this but....wanted to do an FYI....I have 2 more questions to answer that I hope to get to those in the next few days as Master leaves to go out of town tomorrow. And although I have a lot of work to do while he is gone I know I will have more time on hands then usual.

March Q&A: sex, sm and toys

Do you like anal sex? Oh yes!


Name something sexually you would like to do that you haven't. Name some SM play you would like to do that you haven't. Name something you have done in a while that you would like to again SM play and sexually.

sexually - vaginally fisted...I am not sure if there is anything else. It reminded me of a list I did in 2002 and I saw a few things actually I could mark done now.

SM - There are quite a few things that I am not sure are things I really want done or just fantasy. Such as...having cigarettes put out on my breasts...I don't like smoke...allergic to it. But it is something I have thought about before. Otherwise I am not sure I can think of anything - realistic. Maybe suspension.

Not done in a long time - wax play. Wax play just has no appeal to Master. Also...head to toe rope bondage.


Do you have a toy in your "wish list" right now?

a toy...just one? :) Okay how about a few?

* Hemp Rope from Twisted Monk - We have a bit but I would like more.
* clover clamps
* total covered hood - like this one on the right side - the Total Control Hood or this one but it scares me a little bit too.
* BIG silicone dildo