Out of Touch

I know I have a ton of emails to reply to but I just can't get to them all right now. Please know I will - as soon as I can. I just didn't want anyone to think I am purposely ignoring them. I am just very busy - as it is that time of year.

Bruised

Repost from July 26, 2003

Well, I am officially pmsing...I cried more today then I have in the last month lol

Master just made a comment last week that I was not crying as much....I cry really easy and lately I have not cried much..unless I was crying from pain He was inflicting on me - those tears He always welcomes.

The day had a rough start. And I think I am still processing some of it. But over all weekends with Master I always love. I like having ALL day with Him. And we had a good day of use and abuse. I feel like a well used slut.

Among the many highlights of my day with Master...He came on my face today, then used my hair to wipe up access - then after that He spit in on my face. Then of course we had our ritual shower where I drank some of His piss.

Another highlight of today....that is at times a controversial subject...in some circles.

I have a bruise on my face plus a split lip. The bruise is much littler then the one I had with M. But this one is actually more noticeable. My split lip though is only noticeable at this point when my mouth is open. The things we do...always amaze me how well I take them when coming from Master. I do admit though when we were first together every time He raised His hand near my face I flinched. Now I really don't seem to do that anymore. Usually though we are playing and so I think I expect it. But even then I used to flinch. I don't now though. He slaps me lots so --- it something that I can pretty much guess will happen when we play. He enjoys slapping me and I enjoy it too. It does seem to put me in a very docile and even more demure headspace.

I like looking at all the marks on my body...I have them on my breasts and arms and now my face.

I got a little worried for a moment as Master and I are going to a wedding tomorrow morning. A co-worker's wedding, so several of His co-workers will be there and see me. Master told me not to worry about it. So, I am not going too.

Tonight as dinner time was coming about - I was tooooooo fuzzy to make dinner so Master took me out for dinner to a place we went in February - where He and I discussed me moving to be with Him full-time. It is so odd that He mentioned that tonight in the restaurant because I had just been thinking of that day early in the morning.

I am very glad Master asked me to come here...I am home. I love Master so much....I always amazed the feelings that go through me each moment of the day with Him.

10 Years of Blogging

I have had my blog open all day rereading old entries. I remember clearly the night I set the blog up. I was living in Cleveland at the time. The main computer was in my Sir's bedroom. He was sleeping so I just had the light of the monitor shining. But I had been reading several blogs that evening. And I thought why not. I thought about how putting it all out there would keep me true to myself. And I admit it - it was a hope for some validation....that I wasn't the only one out there feeling the things I felt, thinking the thoughts I did and just struggling with where to be going in this life.

My life wasn't in a place I liked. My primary relationship was tearing me apart. The only thing I was enjoying was my work as an escort. My life was in a place of transition. So what was the perfect way to figure things out? Writing was the answer for me. And so I started this blog 10 years ago.

It has been a quite a journey - struggles, being neurotic, many different relationships, searching for someone who could enslave me, sharing things I shouldn't have, sharing in anger, joy, sadness and every emotion under the sun. I have exposed myself through my words and some pictures too.

I am glad I have kept it around this long. I hope to continue to blog for a very long time. I am thankful that I have met many people face to face as well as online because of this blog. I am thankful for everyone that reads, sends emails, comments and such. Thank you for sticking with me all this time!

And I am going to end with my traditional piece from The Velveteen Rabbit:

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you..."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.

"When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt...It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

Giveaway: $45 from CSN Stores

Domestic Servitude blog is doing a giveaway for a $45 gift certificate that can be used at any of the CSN stores.

http://domesticservitude.blogspot.com/2010/10/csn-giveaway.html

You can enter up to 4 times with each of the 4 options!

The drawing ends Nov. 1st

Good Luck!

Tumblr

I had someone tell me that I shouldn't have posted a certain photo because it is dangerous.

I post photos that turn me on, interest me, set my fantasies on fire (pun intended - look at photo), shock me, disturb me.....basically anything that catches my eye might end up on my tumblr. I think many things I post could be considered dangerous. I think many things I do are dangerous. But I think we are all adults so we can use our common sense on what to do or not to do.

I don't want to be the person that says what you are doing is wrong or dangerous. We all know the risks of playing. We all have to find our own lines. Also just because I fantasize about it or think something is hot doesn't mean I do it.

The photo in question turns me on. It hits buttons that say this is dangerous. And danger creates fear that turns me on. Some things that are dangerous and scare me - I do and others I don't. But even if I never have that thing done - it still turns me on. And so I post it. I won't stop posting what catches my eye.

Control of Emotions

From an old Daily OM:

"As we analyze what lies at the root of our emotions, we can regain control over our moods and live each day in a more conscious, participatory fashion. The intensity of our feelings can be paralyzing, and their impact upon our choices and preferences astounding. Their power lies in their mysteriousness, however. Thus, when we seek to uncover the origin of our emotions, we strip them of their ability to interfere with our actions and reactions. The greater our understanding of ourselves, the more control we have over how we address challenging or unexpected circumstances. We can then look to reality for guidance and to our emotions for release. As you search your soul for answers today, you come to understand that you control your feelings."

I try to not let my emotions interfere with my service as Master's slave. It is hard. Sometimes I can do it and many times I can't. I am a very emotional person. I am lead by emotions so often the emotions control how(not if or when just how) I do whatever Master has told me to do. And yes I don't always like to do what he wants or says. I always do what Master says but I don't always do it with...well grace. So I really this Daily Om is something I should read often so that maybe I can understand how to control my emotions - because again as I have said often - really when it comes down to it I want to serve Master so the emotion is a reaction to the moment but not really what I want at my core. So if I could control the emotions to match what I want - that would be great.

Is it possible? Has anyone been able to do this?

Fat

Warning this is just a rambling of thoughts after taking a survey. They aren't really linked together. They are just thoughts I had while taking it.

I was filling out a survey that Hanne Blank is asking people to fill out for a seconf volume of her book Big Big Love: A Sourcebook on Sex for People of Size and Those Who Love Them. I read the first one AGES ago and used it but then lent it to a friend and you know the story - gone never to be seen again. Anyway the questions were not only for those that are big but those who have had big sexual partners.

The survey just brought up lots of random thoughts....and sharing a few of them....

* I once had an escort client be with me just because he had never been with a fat girl. After he was with me he said he didn't want to be with a fat girl again. He said to my face which I was thankful for because I knew he wouldn't trash me on the online forums - and ruin my reputation. He said the usual platitudes of "You have a pretty face - too bad you are fat." But he also liked that I did anal though and it is hard to find escorts that do anal - so eventually I heard from him again wanting to do anal. He booked me several more times just because I did anal. He eventually said that he liked I was fat as he didn't feel he needed to be gentle with me - he didn't feel I would break with rough sex. But he also added he would still never date a fat girl.

* I also once had a friend with benefits that only dated skinny women - mostly strippers. Yet we had great sex and we just had a lot of fun hanging out together but we weren't ever more then that - friends with benefits. I knew he would never be seen together dating because I was big. But I still enjoyed his company and the sex so I saw him. I had a girlfriend (girl who was not just a friend but someone I dated) - at the time that knew about him and asked me once why he and I didn't date as we talked on the phone a lot, we had sex and seemed to have great chemistry and I told her that he only dated thin girls and she was horrified that I had sex with someone like that.

He really liked strippers - just like some men like blondes and some women are attracted to only tall men. It is just preferences to me. My preferences tend to be geared towards personality things.

Oh and the same girlfriend ironically couldn't believe that I had dated people who weren't big. I have had girlfriends who wore size 0 jeans. I have had bigger partners and every other size in between. Size just isn't really an issue for me.

* I know often bigger people get upset when others say they aren't attracted to big people. And I understand - it hurts feelings. I have also seen some get upset about that yet do the same time and say they are only attracted to thin persons. I don't get that.

* I like fat/size acceptance but I don't like it when it becomes unbalanced. Such as often you will hear that a real woman has curves. I know many women who I consider beautiful and sexy and they don't have curves. A woman isn't just a woman because she has curves. I often don't join groups that are just for big people because of that. I want groups to be all inclusive to me.

* I have had dominant partners that have called me fat often - as humiliation. And it hurt emotionally but it turned me on.

* I was in a relationship with a dominant once where I was attracted to his dominance and thus that made him attractive to me. I really have to respond to someone's personality - just an aspect or overall personality to be attracted to them. So size really isn't an issue to me.

(I wrote this before I left on vacation but didn't get it posted - so posting now)

To There and Back Again

I left at the end of July to visit my family. And arrived back home almost 3 weeks later and then we had to out of town for work right away. And rush back for work here at home too. So I was feelings as though I am not sure which way is up but finally this week feels a little bit more stable.

I went home as I had several family functions to attend. One was finally being able to get some closure for my Uncle's death. Still grieving of course but Master said he has noticed that I seem to be better then I was before I left. I see some of that but I almost feel like when is the other shoe going to drop.

This year has been really hard. And so there haven't been many blog posts. And I feel a little bad about that - only because the end of next month I will celebrate 10 years of writing this blog. Which send my brain into a WTF moment as really? Really I have written for 10 years in a public forum like this? For someone as shy as myself - it really does boggle my mind. Anyway - because I haven't had many blog posts this past year...I think about not blogging anymore (except on Domestic Servitude). But really truthfully I just don't think I can give it up. I like writing....purging feelings and thoughts here helps me be true to myself and gives me sometimes a perspective I don't get when it is rattling around in my head. So....at this moment still blogging - just hasn't been a lot this year and understandably so with all the stress I have had this year.

So I will just take the blogging thing as it comes to me...

While home, I got to see the Eat Pray Love movie which is one of my favorite books. It was a girls night out and it was very nice. Dinner, drinks and the movie. I really enjoyed the movie. I am one of these people that can take the movie for a movie that stands alone without the book. And vice versa a book doesn't need to match the movie. So I went in with an open mind but knew that they would never be able to capture the intensity of the book. And so knew I wanted to enjoy the movie just for itself. And I did!

Three of the people I went with hadn't read the book and two of them didn't like it as much as the rest of us that had read the book. One person was confused on like how Liz decided to do the trip in the first place and the transitions from each place - she didn't like either. The other didn't like it because she felt it was too spiritual and considers all things spiritual new agey so for her the movie was new agey. Myself and the other person that read the book - really liked the movie.

If you are wanting to see it and want it to be exactly like the book - don't see it. It will probably disappoint you. If you understand that they can't capture the intensity of the emotions book due to some of it is just not possible to do for the screen but also because of length of the movie would have been too long - then go see it. I think Julia Roberts was really good person to play Liz Gilbert. And I think they captures many wonderful moments of the book. Many of my favorites parts or quotes got in the movie.

Such as this one...this quote is from the section on Italy - Chapter 25 (Bead 25) page 75. Liz is talking about all the changes the Augusteum has went through. But I like what the message of the quote....

"It is merely this world that is chaotic, bringing changes to us all that nobody could have anticipated. The Augusteum warns me not get attached to any obsolete ideas about who I am, what I represent, whom I belong to, or what function I may once have intended to serve. Yesterday I might have been a glorious monument to somebody, true enough -- but tomorrow I could be a fireworks depository. Even in the Eternal City, says the silent Augusteum, one must always prepared for riotous and endless waves of transformation."

Entertainment Weekly had an article on Eat Pray Love the week it came out. And one thing I found out was Richard Jenkins who plays Richard at the Ashram talked to the real Richard before going to film and said it was the best 45 minute phone call he ever had. But he went on to say that he was sorry that Richard died before being able to see the movie. That made me sad to think that Richard is gone. He died of a heart attack.

And last but not least...OH MY Javiar Bardem....SO SEXY. He definitely made the movie better. And the one person that didn't like the new ageiness of the movie - even commented on the sexiness of Javiar.

I liked the movie. I would see it again. And I will want to have it when it comes out on DVD.

"Can I move in this weekend?"

Master went on a business trip the beginning of May. But right before he left he had chatted with a girl who wanted to move in. Now I don't know lots of details such as if he messaged her or how he became talking to her but I do know he had only talked to her once and she was asking to move in.

I often think do I live in a reality where someone really thinks that is possible? That we are really going to let a person we don't know except for one online chat conversation, move in? And why on earth would she want to move in with people she doesn't know anything about?

But then I do remember when lived in the poly household....

I was really sick...sick to the point that my doctor said if I had waited one more day to come in - I could have been dead. I was in bed groggy and out of it because I was on pain killers and the door opened - my dominant at that time wanted me to talk on the phone to someone he had been talking to. So I talked to her and she is very nice. Towards the end of the conversation she says, "I just can't wait to meet you tomorrow. I know you are sick so I will be able to take care of you." I was stunned. I had just heard that he had chatted with this person a few times the day before. He hadn't even expressed that she was a real interest just that he was chatting with someone new. And then I find out she is moving in the next day and I find it out from HER not HIM. So here I am sick as a dog and the house was a huge mess because I had been so sick for so long.... and now we had someone new moving in with her teenage daughter into our 2 bedroom 1 bathroom apartment. Yeah I was really excited about that...

But...

Thankfully I ended up liking her a lot. You know there is always some problems in relationships - so ours wasn't any different. But for big picture - we cared about each other and got along.

So back to the present....
Okay so this girl who lives several hours away, wants to move in this weekend. Her Master and his wife decided they don't want to do the lifestyle anymore so she needs to move out. So this girl asked Master to make her his slave and move her in the next weekend.

Master came in after his conversation with him - straight faced to tell me he was moving in a slave. He did it to see the look on my face. I knew he was kidding because he wouldn't ever move in someone he didn't know and more importantly I didn't know but I still made the face - like you got to be out of your mind if you think that is going to happen. Yep I have those thoughts. Master couldn't believe she was asking either.

Master checked on her a few weeks later just to see if she found anyone that would do that because he was curious. And she ended up moving in with a former Master.

But Master will still at time just tell me hey I am going to be pick up that slave now - just to get me going. He loves ramping me up on these topics that just annoy me just to see my feathers get ruffled.

...then there was giggling

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Slashy Writing and Third Person Speech

There was a post over on FetLife about slashy writing and third person speech. And I thought I would post my reply here...

I don't like slashy writing and I am thankful Master doesn't have me do it. I have to confess that often when I see a post using it, I often skip it rather then have to figure out.

Third person speak - for me personally - I don't find it would beneficial. If I need something to keep me in my head space or to help me think about my speech to Master at this point in our life, then I think there would be bigger issues at hand.

If we were early on in our relationship, I might see how it helps me choose my words more carefully. But I know he wouldn't have had me do it on a public forum for others to read but just to him.

I am quiet person and being that way has made me often go over things in my head several times before I even speak them out loud. So I don't think it would have done anything for me even then. I also think it probably would have been more of a distraction to the tasks at hand. Because stopping to have to think about what I was going to say to make sure it is in 3rd person would have taken me even more time and I think it would have become tedious to us both waiting on what I could have just said still respectful way but without the 3rd person speech. In that kind of situation for me it - it would make it feel about me. It would feel like a task to feel important even though that is what I am told the 3rd speech is not suppose to do. I know through people Master has talked to about 3rd person speech it doesn't do that for them. But for me - it would make me in the front on display when serving for me is about being unobtrusive and 3rd person speech is very noticeable to me so it makes me notice the slave when I think it is suppose to help show them their place. So if everyone is noticing the person is it really showing them their place? Bottom line is 3rd person speech is noticeable and serving is about being unobtrusive to me.

As someone else said in the replies the times I have come across people using third person speech, it often has come across as "hey look at me, look what my Master has me doing, look how slavely it is making me." Which I don't find to be attractive and would be a poor reflection to me on the Master. And often I do think what kind of dominant is he that he is having her do that because it isn't accomplishing what I think he wanted or what I would hope he wanted.

I want to add in that I think it does make people hot but then why not just do it in private. I get that more - about it making a person hot. So then why make everyone have to read it? As I said about slashy speech above, I skip posts with it. And I do that with 3rd person speech too if it is too hard to read and is coming across as the "hey look at me - I am more slavely than you" type of post.

And only in rare occasions - I can think of one at this moment - it is done in a way that I didn't mind or even notice often

Adding this to my blog post....when I get emails with slashy speech or 3rd person and it is too hard for me to read, I often don't reply at all because I don't understand the email enough to give a reply. And instead writing back saying I can't understand your slashy or 3rd person speech, I just don't reply because I don't want you to get upset and defensive about it. And maybe you wouldn't but in the past some have so I just have gone to not answering them at all.

Getting By

I pretty much just getting by each day. Lots of tears and sadness. I have done things like reorganized my whole studio - going through every box and bin and if you had ever been in my studio you know this was a tedious job. But I just needed it. I needed something to just focus on instead of letting myself get to caught in feelings and thoughts.

While cleaning, I am watching old movies. I am having a problem watching current or more modern movies. The old movies seem to comfort me. Watched many times over: North by Northwest, To Catch a Thief, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Barefoot in the Park, Roman Holiday, Casablanca, Mrs. Miniver, Gigi, An American in Paris and a few other. I have them going almost always. I need the noise.

Master had to go to Austin for business several weeks ago. I am extremely envious that he had a chance to spend 2 evenings with a good friend. But I am glad that he such a nice time talking with a like minded person. We don't have a community here so most of our interaction with kinky people is online. So chatting in person with someone was very refreshing to him. And especially someone who really gets us. So I am happy that he had that chance and especially with this friend. He came home really refreshed in his conversations and I remember that feeling when I lived in Ohio. Especially when I lived with Bill and Angel. We always had good lifestyle talks.

As I said at the beginning...I am just trying to get by day by day. I have good moments. I have down moments.

Such as the other day a little thing sent me into tears. I was writing a card out to my Aunt and I opened my computer document with my addresses and it had my Uncle's name and my Aunt's....and I changed it to just my Aunt's name. And it was hard.

I also had another loss. My former Master died within 10 days of my Uncle and that has left me, of course, with a kind of roller coaster of emotions.

But some good things....I contacted someone who was involved with him and I - to let her know as I felt she would want to know. We hadn't talked in quite a while and it was good to catch up and really have a good heart to heart. And we both agreed that we are very thankful to him for introducing us and helping create the relationship between us. I feel the same about all my Ohio peeps too - if I hadn't been involved with him - I would have never met them.

Thank you to everyone who has commented, emailed, left messages, sent cards and just been reaching out to me....I appreciate it so much. I am very blessed to have so me many kind and caring people in my life.

My Uncle

Master was out of town last week. While he was, my Uncle went to hospice. So I started to resolve myself that I wouldn't see him again. And I didn't. The day after Master came home - my Uncle died. He was surrounded by almost my whole family. I am grateful that he was with family. I miss him so much.

So quiet - here and everywhere else.

Fetish + Music

A vanilla friend posted this tonight. And she was speechless....well so was I because I was amazed how much fetish wear I saw....

Spinning

I have had a lot of inquires if everything is okay. And it is okay. I guess I mean I am dealing with things the best I can right now. I am dealing with a TON of family issues. I went to Minnesota to see my Uncle as his cancer is so aggressive. When I came back, I had to deal with some family drama from family in Minnesota. And then Master's Dad's cancer has changed - maybe for the worse. We still are quite clear on that. We also have 2 local friends dealing with cancer. One that really helped/pushed Master to start his business. And the other is a former coworker of Master's - who is giving up her fight with cancer. We also have a lot of work projects. So quite a lot going on that is making it much to busy for me to sit down and write here.

But a good thing I want to write about....

Master. He has been absolutely amazing. He is going through his own family health issues yet he has been a rock for me and my family issues. When I come back from my upcoming trip, he will leave on a business trip. So April we will have seen each other about 12 days. And I know that is hard on both of us. But I am really grateful to Master as looking around the house you can tell I haven't been here much. And he is very tolerant and understanding of the situation. I am so blessed to have someone that really supports me. I love you Master!