I have had a lot of people writing me telling me I was very brave to write and post what I did in my last blog entry. I want to Thank Everyone who has wrote with support. :)
I guess I do not feel I am brave. Yes, I think it take courage to walk through this life and deal with all that we come upon.
But I have dealt with most of those issues from that time in my life. I do not think that anything like that ever is just something you get over. But how you chose to let it affect your life is what counts.
A quote I came upon a while back is something I am trying to live my life by: "A path is only a path, and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you . . . Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself alone, one question . . . Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn't it is of no use." -- Carlos Castaneda, The Teachings of Don Juan.
I guess I have always tried to live my life that way but sometimes we want to believe something so much that we do not listen to what your inner self is telling us…
peace and serenity,
danae
Thursday, November 30, 2000
Monday, November 27, 2000
Loyalty
This holiday weekend I ended up thinking about loyalty a lot.
When I was 18, I had a boyfriend who basically told me he owned me. I had no idea what that really meant at that time. I knew nothing of BDSM or D/s. He just said he owned me. He did many things that were non-consensual. And other things that taught me a lot about myself.
One thing he did was have me gang raped. While I was raped I had orgasms and felt very ashamed and guilty afterwards because of that. Even though I was scared, fighting and saying no and stop my body reacted. I continued to date him and do as he said after that and I am not sure why still.
After he did that to me, he used what he saw that night against me. He saw that I had orgasms and that part of myself fought against it because I did like it. That lack of control and fear has always been a turn on for me. But I still do not agree with how he handled it - it was non-consensual to me. How he treated me changed after the gang rape, it became more dangerous and pushing the edge consistently. He also had been gambling lots and losing lots of money. He owed lots of people money. Because of the debts he had he needed to make money up fast. And I was an 18 year old, busty, skinny little chick and he saw dollar signs. He sold me. He prostituted me out. Most of it I have just blocked out. I remember it happening but do not want to think of the details.
I wrote this when I was starting to deal with all that happened to me - specifically being gang raped....It was a letter with anger in it and is graphic..just warning you.
The first part was from a bookmarker that a friend sent me.
Confronting dragons
Overcoming the obstacles
Understanding the risks
Really living
Always believing
Going the distance
Expecting the BEST
We all are different - each a unique creation of God. I suppose that is why we all look at things differently - why we all have our own definition of hope, faith, happiness, peace, love, and courage. I believe I have courage. I am very proud of myself for my courage.
I received "What is Courage," from a friend, who is also a rape survivor. We are reading a book titled "The Courage to Heal - A Guide for Woman Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse" The book is mainly for woman survivors of child sexual abuse - but it speaks the truth for all sexual abuse survivors. I told her I did not think I had it in me - the courage to heal. She, being a good friend, reminded me I did. She wrote me a wonderful, supportive letter and sent a bookmaker that had "What is Courage" on it. I know I have courage. I needed reminding.
So what is courage to me? Courage to me is coping with that fact that I was forced to perform oral sex on four men. Courage is knowing that if I were to fight them any more I would not live when each of them took their turn having sex with me. Courage is blocking out things that my mind and body could not cope with at the age of 18 - like having my face shoved into a mattress while each man had anal sex with me. Courage to me is being raped by four men and being able to walk out of that house ALIVE. Courage is still going on after all that those men have stolen. Courage is dealing with my rape after stuffing it away and pretending it did not happen for so many years. Courage is looking at all they took away from me/how they altered my life and start grieving the losses and taking back control of my life.
So . . .
"C" is for Confronting the dragons - four men who raped a 18-year-old in a very vicious and violent way. The images stay in front of my eyes almost 24 hrs a day. Yet I am not pretending it did not happen anymore. I am facing those dragons daily!
"O" is for Overcoming the obstacles - many obstacles to over come from this situation. First one in overcoming it was accepting it happened to me. Next was trying to feel again and trying to identify my feelings stuffed away since the day they raped me. Now that I am healing, another obstacle came up . . . who am I now? Finding that out and trying to show myself that I deserve to love and live.
"U" is for Understanding the risks - took me 11 yrs to let my rape out. When I did admit it to myself, it took me another three months to tell my therapist about it. Big Risks - because I was going to have to give up a way of life - not dealing with anything - stuffing everything away - and existing instead of living.
"R" is for Really Living. This is a wonderful part of courage and probably the most scary for someone in my situation. The day I broke the silence - I started living. Some days I would give anything to go back and keep it all inside because the pain of it is unbelievable. I am living the rape again - only I think now it is worse. However, I am living it which means I will heal - because it is not buried eating away/taking away the rest of me left.
"A" is for Always Believing - I will always believe that - I will heal. I believe I will gain control back from those monsters. I will see my worth - I will know that it is not my fault. I will stop the chaos in my life. I will succeed in my dreams. I will be able to focus again. I will have peace of mind and heart again. I will LIVE again.
"G" is for Going the distance. I have traveled a long road to get here and the road ahead is even longer, but I know I can make it. I will heal. I will be whole again. I am going the distance to reclaim my life from four men who stole it Dec. 31, 1985.
"E" is for Expecting the BEST! Yes, I am expecting the best - the best of me. I am going to heal and show the world me and that will be the best I have to give. The real me - a woman who is a survivor of a terrible trauma. I may not have handled it right all the time - but I know my direction now and am walking that road of healing. A long hard road - but with a bright sun shining at the end of the path.
So, I believe I know what Courage is. It is me. It is every person who feels courage in their heart and soul. It is every person who faces daily life. Living takes courage.
I wrote this many years after I was raped when dealing with it, but I have had to come back to it often these days. Things happened. And to heal I do things to reclaim my power. To re-write the past. Recently I have had people try to take my power away again. But I am here to tell you, that is not possible. I am in D/s where it is all about giving up power….Consensually.
And that doesn't mean I just roll over because I am submissive when someone tries to take my power away when I don't consent to it. So I am fighting back....watch out :)
You probably are wondering why I started this off with loyalty though.
Shortly after I left my boyfriend when I was 18, that did all those things to me, I had a very good friend start flirting with him. I had not told anyone about what was going on - not even told anyone I was seeing him. But I just warned her that he was bad news and he had hurt me more then I could explain. I cried and just told her to trust me as a friend that he was hurt me very deeply and I did not want her to be hurt like I was. She was very kind said she was sorry he was a jerk and that she understood. I week went by and I heard that she was dating him. I went to her and said why are you dating him. She said “well he is good to me.”
I don't know if I can say that person was really a friend because she didn't trust my judgment and also she was loyal to me. To me her dating him meant it was okay he raped me.
If I have a friend come to me as say this person hurt me and they are not a good person, then I will not be friends or interact. The most they would get is civil.
A friend told me today about a person that has hurt me recently that if she saw him hurt in the street she would not help him. One because she is so outraged at what he did to me. And two she kind of thinks it is karma.
I have a lot of friends and so many of them have touched me to where I love them as more then just friends and would do anything I could to help them. When they touch my heart, I feel for them. I feel their happiness and pain. So if they are happy I want to celebrate with them. And if they are hurt I want to protect and comfort them. And if the person who hurt them comes near me why would I trust them? Why? Why would I be friends with them?
I have gone the route were maybe they can learn if I try to teach them how people should treat people. Well, I guess I have tried it with each of the people that have hurt me and I always get burned the second time around. 3rd time is not a charm with me….you are out.
I guess what I want to say those of you that are my friends out there….I will protect you, I will defend you, I will honor your name and give you the respect that those that have harmed you have not….I will be loyal. I will have the courage to stand up for you and believe in you.
peace and serenity,
danae
When I was 18, I had a boyfriend who basically told me he owned me. I had no idea what that really meant at that time. I knew nothing of BDSM or D/s. He just said he owned me. He did many things that were non-consensual. And other things that taught me a lot about myself.
One thing he did was have me gang raped. While I was raped I had orgasms and felt very ashamed and guilty afterwards because of that. Even though I was scared, fighting and saying no and stop my body reacted. I continued to date him and do as he said after that and I am not sure why still.
After he did that to me, he used what he saw that night against me. He saw that I had orgasms and that part of myself fought against it because I did like it. That lack of control and fear has always been a turn on for me. But I still do not agree with how he handled it - it was non-consensual to me. How he treated me changed after the gang rape, it became more dangerous and pushing the edge consistently. He also had been gambling lots and losing lots of money. He owed lots of people money. Because of the debts he had he needed to make money up fast. And I was an 18 year old, busty, skinny little chick and he saw dollar signs. He sold me. He prostituted me out. Most of it I have just blocked out. I remember it happening but do not want to think of the details.
I wrote this when I was starting to deal with all that happened to me - specifically being gang raped....It was a letter with anger in it and is graphic..just warning you.
The first part was from a bookmarker that a friend sent me.
Confronting dragons
Overcoming the obstacles
Understanding the risks
Really living
Always believing
Going the distance
Expecting the BEST
We all are different - each a unique creation of God. I suppose that is why we all look at things differently - why we all have our own definition of hope, faith, happiness, peace, love, and courage. I believe I have courage. I am very proud of myself for my courage.
I received "What is Courage," from a friend, who is also a rape survivor. We are reading a book titled "The Courage to Heal - A Guide for Woman Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse" The book is mainly for woman survivors of child sexual abuse - but it speaks the truth for all sexual abuse survivors. I told her I did not think I had it in me - the courage to heal. She, being a good friend, reminded me I did. She wrote me a wonderful, supportive letter and sent a bookmaker that had "What is Courage" on it. I know I have courage. I needed reminding.
So what is courage to me? Courage to me is coping with that fact that I was forced to perform oral sex on four men. Courage is knowing that if I were to fight them any more I would not live when each of them took their turn having sex with me. Courage is blocking out things that my mind and body could not cope with at the age of 18 - like having my face shoved into a mattress while each man had anal sex with me. Courage to me is being raped by four men and being able to walk out of that house ALIVE. Courage is still going on after all that those men have stolen. Courage is dealing with my rape after stuffing it away and pretending it did not happen for so many years. Courage is looking at all they took away from me/how they altered my life and start grieving the losses and taking back control of my life.
So . . .
"C" is for Confronting the dragons - four men who raped a 18-year-old in a very vicious and violent way. The images stay in front of my eyes almost 24 hrs a day. Yet I am not pretending it did not happen anymore. I am facing those dragons daily!
"O" is for Overcoming the obstacles - many obstacles to over come from this situation. First one in overcoming it was accepting it happened to me. Next was trying to feel again and trying to identify my feelings stuffed away since the day they raped me. Now that I am healing, another obstacle came up . . . who am I now? Finding that out and trying to show myself that I deserve to love and live.
"U" is for Understanding the risks - took me 11 yrs to let my rape out. When I did admit it to myself, it took me another three months to tell my therapist about it. Big Risks - because I was going to have to give up a way of life - not dealing with anything - stuffing everything away - and existing instead of living.
"R" is for Really Living. This is a wonderful part of courage and probably the most scary for someone in my situation. The day I broke the silence - I started living. Some days I would give anything to go back and keep it all inside because the pain of it is unbelievable. I am living the rape again - only I think now it is worse. However, I am living it which means I will heal - because it is not buried eating away/taking away the rest of me left.
"A" is for Always Believing - I will always believe that - I will heal. I believe I will gain control back from those monsters. I will see my worth - I will know that it is not my fault. I will stop the chaos in my life. I will succeed in my dreams. I will be able to focus again. I will have peace of mind and heart again. I will LIVE again.
"G" is for Going the distance. I have traveled a long road to get here and the road ahead is even longer, but I know I can make it. I will heal. I will be whole again. I am going the distance to reclaim my life from four men who stole it Dec. 31, 1985.
"E" is for Expecting the BEST! Yes, I am expecting the best - the best of me. I am going to heal and show the world me and that will be the best I have to give. The real me - a woman who is a survivor of a terrible trauma. I may not have handled it right all the time - but I know my direction now and am walking that road of healing. A long hard road - but with a bright sun shining at the end of the path.
So, I believe I know what Courage is. It is me. It is every person who feels courage in their heart and soul. It is every person who faces daily life. Living takes courage.
I wrote this many years after I was raped when dealing with it, but I have had to come back to it often these days. Things happened. And to heal I do things to reclaim my power. To re-write the past. Recently I have had people try to take my power away again. But I am here to tell you, that is not possible. I am in D/s where it is all about giving up power….Consensually.
And that doesn't mean I just roll over because I am submissive when someone tries to take my power away when I don't consent to it. So I am fighting back....watch out :)
You probably are wondering why I started this off with loyalty though.
Shortly after I left my boyfriend when I was 18, that did all those things to me, I had a very good friend start flirting with him. I had not told anyone about what was going on - not even told anyone I was seeing him. But I just warned her that he was bad news and he had hurt me more then I could explain. I cried and just told her to trust me as a friend that he was hurt me very deeply and I did not want her to be hurt like I was. She was very kind said she was sorry he was a jerk and that she understood. I week went by and I heard that she was dating him. I went to her and said why are you dating him. She said “well he is good to me.”
I don't know if I can say that person was really a friend because she didn't trust my judgment and also she was loyal to me. To me her dating him meant it was okay he raped me.
If I have a friend come to me as say this person hurt me and they are not a good person, then I will not be friends or interact. The most they would get is civil.
A friend told me today about a person that has hurt me recently that if she saw him hurt in the street she would not help him. One because she is so outraged at what he did to me. And two she kind of thinks it is karma.
I have a lot of friends and so many of them have touched me to where I love them as more then just friends and would do anything I could to help them. When they touch my heart, I feel for them. I feel their happiness and pain. So if they are happy I want to celebrate with them. And if they are hurt I want to protect and comfort them. And if the person who hurt them comes near me why would I trust them? Why? Why would I be friends with them?
I have gone the route were maybe they can learn if I try to teach them how people should treat people. Well, I guess I have tried it with each of the people that have hurt me and I always get burned the second time around. 3rd time is not a charm with me….you are out.
I guess what I want to say those of you that are my friends out there….I will protect you, I will defend you, I will honor your name and give you the respect that those that have harmed you have not….I will be loyal. I will have the courage to stand up for you and believe in you.
peace and serenity,
danae
Tuesday, November 21, 2000
Okay this might be a long blog or a short one...
Need to talk about – Last week – This weekend – Art – Jackie – SMART….
Last week I was sick. I had a migraine every day of the week. I was sick to my stomach on and off all week. So I was not a happy camper. I worked on a few websites but was not really able to give it my full 'til Friday and then I just kind of threw myself into it and loved every moment of being creative. Something I crave deeply at times…to let myself just be creative.
This weekend – Friday night was peaceful. Daddy and I talked and then at dinner and talked more. Finally I went online to finish website stuff. I am hoping that this week I get my personal website up and running : ) Saturday – We had a GREAT day! It is amazing how well everything came together. It was just a series of simple little things , but it made me feel good. We got up early to run errands. I needed to get my tags for my car. We called the bank and of course were kind of tiring to figure out how to do that and get there other things we needed too. I had money coming from a job thought the check might be in the mailbox so we decided to head out and check the mail on our way. My Daddy recently started a new job and we thought it might be Dec 1 before he were to get paid so we were scraping by….so I got the mail and besides my money – there was a check from his company. So that was a VERY pleasant surprise. Sometimes money – having it – creates less stress’ in my life. So we were very happy about that!! RENT can be paid yippeee!! LOL We then went to the DMV – where as most people know you usually stand in line forever - I thought hmm a Saturday is going to be terrible. I was in line maybe 10 mins and in the the DMV a total of like 20 mins if that! It was awesome! We then went to breakfast at Bob Evan’s – weekend mornings are packed – it was but we only waited like 10 mins and then were sat had the most wonderful waitress and then our food was out in less then 5 mins. So everything just went so smoothly on Saturday day. Saturday night – was SMART…a local bdsm meeting. We had a nice time seeing lots of friends. Then M and SJ came back home with us and Daddy sessioned SJ – heard her moans all the way into the living room so I know she had a good time! LOL I know she needed it too : )
Sunday – We got up early and headed to see Jackie. Oh how I missed her…It was only a week since I had seen her and I missed her sooooo much. She and I had a non verbal miscommunication. We caught her just as she was getting out of the shower *yummy* and I just got this feeling she did not want to be kissed. So I did not kiss her even though I wanted too. Then we all talked for a while and then went to eat – made some stops on the way back to her place {the art store being one – tell of the significance of this later lol}. When we got back Daddy had to give her a punishment, so I sat on the couch and took a nap – Oh I was soo tired from being up early on Saturday and then late to bed and then up early again on Sunday. When they were done, Jackie came to get me to come hang out with them. Daddy had left the room for a moment and Jackie and I talked for a moment Jackie said she had got the feeling from me that I had not wanted to kiss her. And I said no, I have wanted to soo many times but felt she did not want me too so I did not. LOL So we were both wanting the same thing and neither of us feeling the other wanted it. So we got over that *smiles *
Jackie took us to the clay studio. It was incredible just to see her in her environment! Just watching her pat clay into molds – she as she would say was not doing anything – but it still was incredible. What was more incredible was asking her about her next project. Watching her talk about it…I could see the pain but also the pride in the subject she was doing. Art is truly an expression of the artist – emotional very vulnerable and exposed. I am not going to give away what the project is but I will when it is done and been critiqued. I did see lots of her other work – she had in her apt. She is soooo talented. I am very proud of her. She had a painting in the hall of a nude woman but it had blue under tones in some parts and I meant to ask her about it but did not have time. I had feelings I am not sure I can verbalize on it yet. Then I saw me - lol - well she used me as model for a teapot that she created. It was really good – the teapot – not me : )
It was hard to leave. I hate leaving her and it will only get harder too but she is worth it. She hates it when I cry and I cry SOO MUCH lol - and I of course started crying. She was joking yelling at me to stop. I know she does not like it because when her friends and loved ones are in pain – hurt – sad – cry – she feels with them and she hates to cry.
Right now is a hard time on Jackie. And I am at a loss of how to help her. I mean this is something I have no experience with – and do not even know how to even begin to understand what she is feeling. Her mom has cancer. It is an anniversary coming up on thanksgiving for it and now is another date of waiting to find out results on tests for her mom. The anniversary, the waiting, and the holding point is hard on Jackie. As I imagine it should be, but I have no idea how to comfort her. I just want to hug her and hold her and take all her pain away. I want to magically be able to make her mom better so she will not have to go through any of this. She is so young and I cannot imagine going through something like this at her age. She is brave and strong.
Okay next topic – Sunday when with Jackie, we went into an art store. She had to get some plaster. And while she was doing that I went and fondled some pastels. : )
When we came out of the art store I got upset because I felt sad. I was sad that I have lost a part of my life and not sure how to get it back - my art. I have not touched it in such a long time and I just am scared to try it again. And it made me long for it today being in the art store – it made me sad also for not doing – sad for being scared of doing it. So, I am going to try this week to decide what I need to do. If I should pursue it more {which the answer is most likely yes – just need to convince myself lol).
Monday was a day that I chose not to think about at this time…….
I need to get to the store tonight to get ingredients to make the pies for Thanksgiving. Daddy and I are going to SJ’s for Thanksgiving! : )
More to come later……
peace & serenity,
danae
Last week I was sick. I had a migraine every day of the week. I was sick to my stomach on and off all week. So I was not a happy camper. I worked on a few websites but was not really able to give it my full 'til Friday and then I just kind of threw myself into it and loved every moment of being creative. Something I crave deeply at times…to let myself just be creative.
This weekend – Friday night was peaceful. Daddy and I talked and then at dinner and talked more. Finally I went online to finish website stuff. I am hoping that this week I get my personal website up and running : ) Saturday – We had a GREAT day! It is amazing how well everything came together. It was just a series of simple little things , but it made me feel good. We got up early to run errands. I needed to get my tags for my car. We called the bank and of course were kind of tiring to figure out how to do that and get there other things we needed too. I had money coming from a job thought the check might be in the mailbox so we decided to head out and check the mail on our way. My Daddy recently started a new job and we thought it might be Dec 1 before he were to get paid so we were scraping by….so I got the mail and besides my money – there was a check from his company. So that was a VERY pleasant surprise. Sometimes money – having it – creates less stress’ in my life. So we were very happy about that!! RENT can be paid yippeee!! LOL We then went to the DMV – where as most people know you usually stand in line forever - I thought hmm a Saturday is going to be terrible. I was in line maybe 10 mins and in the the DMV a total of like 20 mins if that! It was awesome! We then went to breakfast at Bob Evan’s – weekend mornings are packed – it was but we only waited like 10 mins and then were sat had the most wonderful waitress and then our food was out in less then 5 mins. So everything just went so smoothly on Saturday day. Saturday night – was SMART…a local bdsm meeting. We had a nice time seeing lots of friends. Then M and SJ came back home with us and Daddy sessioned SJ – heard her moans all the way into the living room so I know she had a good time! LOL I know she needed it too : )
Sunday – We got up early and headed to see Jackie. Oh how I missed her…It was only a week since I had seen her and I missed her sooooo much. She and I had a non verbal miscommunication. We caught her just as she was getting out of the shower *yummy* and I just got this feeling she did not want to be kissed. So I did not kiss her even though I wanted too. Then we all talked for a while and then went to eat – made some stops on the way back to her place {the art store being one – tell of the significance of this later lol}. When we got back Daddy had to give her a punishment, so I sat on the couch and took a nap – Oh I was soo tired from being up early on Saturday and then late to bed and then up early again on Sunday. When they were done, Jackie came to get me to come hang out with them. Daddy had left the room for a moment and Jackie and I talked for a moment Jackie said she had got the feeling from me that I had not wanted to kiss her. And I said no, I have wanted to soo many times but felt she did not want me too so I did not. LOL So we were both wanting the same thing and neither of us feeling the other wanted it. So we got over that *smiles *
Jackie took us to the clay studio. It was incredible just to see her in her environment! Just watching her pat clay into molds – she as she would say was not doing anything – but it still was incredible. What was more incredible was asking her about her next project. Watching her talk about it…I could see the pain but also the pride in the subject she was doing. Art is truly an expression of the artist – emotional very vulnerable and exposed. I am not going to give away what the project is but I will when it is done and been critiqued. I did see lots of her other work – she had in her apt. She is soooo talented. I am very proud of her. She had a painting in the hall of a nude woman but it had blue under tones in some parts and I meant to ask her about it but did not have time. I had feelings I am not sure I can verbalize on it yet. Then I saw me - lol - well she used me as model for a teapot that she created. It was really good – the teapot – not me : )
It was hard to leave. I hate leaving her and it will only get harder too but she is worth it. She hates it when I cry and I cry SOO MUCH lol - and I of course started crying. She was joking yelling at me to stop. I know she does not like it because when her friends and loved ones are in pain – hurt – sad – cry – she feels with them and she hates to cry.
Right now is a hard time on Jackie. And I am at a loss of how to help her. I mean this is something I have no experience with – and do not even know how to even begin to understand what she is feeling. Her mom has cancer. It is an anniversary coming up on thanksgiving for it and now is another date of waiting to find out results on tests for her mom. The anniversary, the waiting, and the holding point is hard on Jackie. As I imagine it should be, but I have no idea how to comfort her. I just want to hug her and hold her and take all her pain away. I want to magically be able to make her mom better so she will not have to go through any of this. She is so young and I cannot imagine going through something like this at her age. She is brave and strong.
Okay next topic – Sunday when with Jackie, we went into an art store. She had to get some plaster. And while she was doing that I went and fondled some pastels. : )
When we came out of the art store I got upset because I felt sad. I was sad that I have lost a part of my life and not sure how to get it back - my art. I have not touched it in such a long time and I just am scared to try it again. And it made me long for it today being in the art store – it made me sad also for not doing – sad for being scared of doing it. So, I am going to try this week to decide what I need to do. If I should pursue it more {which the answer is most likely yes – just need to convince myself lol).
Monday was a day that I chose not to think about at this time…….
I need to get to the store tonight to get ingredients to make the pies for Thanksgiving. Daddy and I are going to SJ’s for Thanksgiving! : )
More to come later……
peace & serenity,
danae
Friday, November 17, 2000
Introduction to people in my life.....
Daddy – He is my Daddy (not biological) and I love him a lot. Our relationship is hard to explain. I live with my Daddy. He was my Master for 2 years, but are not in a M/s relationship anymore. We still very much have a D/s power structure and he is always my Daddy. A role he has had from the moment I met him and I feel he will always. He is an incredible man of great honor and integrity. He has more then anyone I have ever known. He is very wise about D/s. He sees a bigger picture (more then a lot of Dominants that I have come across). He looks to see how things will effect the submissive, because if you damage the submissive then you will not have a toy to play with. *smiles* I would say he comes across arrogant to most people, but it is not arrogance they are seeing it is confidence in himself and his beliefs. He does not have a problem telling people he disagrees with them. And even though at times it makes me uncomfortable as a submissive (because I hate hurting peoples feelings), it is one of the reasons I love him because he is strong in his beliefs, values, ethics, integrity and honor.
Jackie – she is my little sister. She is my Daddy’s submissive and “daughter.” She is a wonderful beautiful woman…an extraordinary artist. I love her and feel our relationship is just beginning. I hope that one day she sees what I see when I look at her. She does not live with us, but comes home at least one long weekend a month! Not enough but better then nothing. She is going to study in Italy in January until May and it is going to be a long 5 months for my Daddy and I. She is young in age and wise in years. She knows more about living life to it fullest then anyone I have met. She has not wasted a moment of her life. And I admire all that she is and all that she will be.
Honeyrose – She is my beautiful incredible girlfriend. She had to move out of the US for her job. I have not seen her for a year and half but hope to be going to Europe in the early spring. I miss her dearly and love her just as much. She is very strong and courageous. She has more strength then she has given herself credit for but I think right now – at this point her life – she is finally seeing it! I know she can do anything she puts her mind to. She can stop traffic or stay at home and bake cookies with her son – all the roles in her life she can do – with love and beauty. She has it all. I remember so many special moments with her. First time seeing her in person - first time being with her in person - **grin* - and the first time I realized I was in love with her. I love you my HoneyRose
Di – She is my best friend. I meet her here in Cleveland – 2 years ago Nov 6th. She has been with me through all the good and bad times I have had since coming to Ohio. She is a true friend and I am very lucky to have her in my life. Di is a wonderful mom and wife. She is very pretty and sexy (even though she will deny it). She is person who has many talents and lots of potential that she does not see, yet. *smiles* I hope that someday she lets someone in enough to show her all that is there.
SJ – she is a wonderful woman/mom/friend/submissive. She is very spiritual. She is an intuitive, sensitive, sensual, passionate woman. She listens and sees. She is an important part of my life. And when she does not see the path she is suppose to go she just trusts that it will be shown to her. She has strength, faith and courage that are amazing.
Mistress DM – hmmm what do I say about her…..**smiles** - She is very wise. She seems to know what I am thinking. She can get in my head easily it seems. She is a female Dominant that I have only known a year but probably knows more about how my submissive mindset works then anyone. She would like to own me and the thought of being hers has crossed my mind a few times *grin* She has incredible way of expressing herself – she can take a hard topics or issue and say it with just the *right* words. I will ramble – vent and afterwards she can sum up the heart of the issue in one line that is very meaningful but so clear and concise. Anyway I respect her very much and appreciate that she is in my life.
Moni – *smiles* I meet Moni because she came up to introduce herself to me after I gave a speech at SMART on living as a 24/7 slave. I saw in her eyes then that we would understand each other sometimes without even speaking words. She is a Dominant woman that submits to one man. I have seen her grow as person, submissive and Dominant in the time I have known her and I really am very proud of all the work she does to keep moving forward – growing and learning more about herself. She is very non- judgmental and loves easily (just like me.) She feels the pain of her friends and feels their joys too. She is empathetic. A quality that I think will help allow her to be a very good Dominant. She is already but it just will allow her to grow even more as a Dominant. She has also been here for me a lot when I needed her love, strength, and support. I am lucky to have so many good friends.
These are just a few people that play a part in my life. There are more and I will add them as I talk about them.
peace & serenity,
danae
Jackie – she is my little sister. She is my Daddy’s submissive and “daughter.” She is a wonderful beautiful woman…an extraordinary artist. I love her and feel our relationship is just beginning. I hope that one day she sees what I see when I look at her. She does not live with us, but comes home at least one long weekend a month! Not enough but better then nothing. She is going to study in Italy in January until May and it is going to be a long 5 months for my Daddy and I. She is young in age and wise in years. She knows more about living life to it fullest then anyone I have met. She has not wasted a moment of her life. And I admire all that she is and all that she will be.
Honeyrose – She is my beautiful incredible girlfriend. She had to move out of the US for her job. I have not seen her for a year and half but hope to be going to Europe in the early spring. I miss her dearly and love her just as much. She is very strong and courageous. She has more strength then she has given herself credit for but I think right now – at this point her life – she is finally seeing it! I know she can do anything she puts her mind to. She can stop traffic or stay at home and bake cookies with her son – all the roles in her life she can do – with love and beauty. She has it all. I remember so many special moments with her. First time seeing her in person - first time being with her in person - **grin* - and the first time I realized I was in love with her. I love you my HoneyRose
Di – She is my best friend. I meet her here in Cleveland – 2 years ago Nov 6th. She has been with me through all the good and bad times I have had since coming to Ohio. She is a true friend and I am very lucky to have her in my life. Di is a wonderful mom and wife. She is very pretty and sexy (even though she will deny it). She is person who has many talents and lots of potential that she does not see, yet. *smiles* I hope that someday she lets someone in enough to show her all that is there.
SJ – she is a wonderful woman/mom/friend/submissive. She is very spiritual. She is an intuitive, sensitive, sensual, passionate woman. She listens and sees. She is an important part of my life. And when she does not see the path she is suppose to go she just trusts that it will be shown to her. She has strength, faith and courage that are amazing.
Mistress DM – hmmm what do I say about her…..**smiles** - She is very wise. She seems to know what I am thinking. She can get in my head easily it seems. She is a female Dominant that I have only known a year but probably knows more about how my submissive mindset works then anyone. She would like to own me and the thought of being hers has crossed my mind a few times *grin* She has incredible way of expressing herself – she can take a hard topics or issue and say it with just the *right* words. I will ramble – vent and afterwards she can sum up the heart of the issue in one line that is very meaningful but so clear and concise. Anyway I respect her very much and appreciate that she is in my life.
Moni – *smiles* I meet Moni because she came up to introduce herself to me after I gave a speech at SMART on living as a 24/7 slave. I saw in her eyes then that we would understand each other sometimes without even speaking words. She is a Dominant woman that submits to one man. I have seen her grow as person, submissive and Dominant in the time I have known her and I really am very proud of all the work she does to keep moving forward – growing and learning more about herself. She is very non- judgmental and loves easily (just like me.) She feels the pain of her friends and feels their joys too. She is empathetic. A quality that I think will help allow her to be a very good Dominant. She is already but it just will allow her to grow even more as a Dominant. She has also been here for me a lot when I needed her love, strength, and support. I am lucky to have so many good friends.
These are just a few people that play a part in my life. There are more and I will add them as I talk about them.
peace & serenity,
danae
Thursday, November 16, 2000
Okay I have been procrastinating
What's new? LOL
I am a big procrastinator. I have been as long as I can remember. I wonder what makes some people procrastinate and others do not. I think most people have put things off a little bit, but are not as much of a procrastinator as I am.
I sometimes think that is why I want a Dominant and also my Daddy in my life. Because I will be held accountable for my actions. I have not really ever been held accountable.
My parents would get mad at my grades or something similar to that but all I got was a lecture and not always that (sometimes it just was let go with no one caring). The lecture did not stop me from doing it again. I would just hear that I needed to do better. But why? I never knew why.
On to more pleasant topics….
This weekend was interesting as always…when Jackie comes home to visit.
This weekend special memories were created with Jackie. I love her very much and am happy to have had the time with her I did.
Wednesday – Jackie got here about 4:30 – 5pm and she and I just laid on the bed talking. I very much wanted to kiss her and hold her then but I needed to talk to her about how she felt about that first.
So I brought it up. She and I talked and she wanted the same things I did.
Daddy and I had talked that when it comes to sex I am like a man lol But with woman I can be woman also. But I go back and forth between the two. I am like a man because I just like to dive in and go for it - no foreplay. I just want the good stuff. And what I feel Jackie needs is me to be more of a woman. So I tried to make a conscious effort at first to be a woman and treat her like a woman.
One of my fears when getting close to someone is intimacy. Someone on a mailing list I am on said recently that woman equate love and sex. I equate intimacy with love. I can just have sex and not love the person. But to be intimate with someone to me is to love that person.
I have been craving that intimacy for a while. I miss honeyrose. But that is not the reason…I wanted to be with Jackie. I wanted to be with Jackie because I love Jackie and wanted to show her that with that level of intimacy that scares me.
There was a point on Friday night we were out at the informal, that the urge was so strong. I wanted Jackie so very much. I had been so scared and then something clicked inside when I was watching her. And I was not scared anymore. We kissed at Karaoke and I just wanted to kiss her more. Touch her more. When we got home we were changing in the bedroom and I just could not resist. I just took her and kissed her deeply pushing her against the wall. I needed that kiss..I needed her.
From then on it was good – I was not scared. And we had a great weekend. I love Jackie very much. I hope that we are a part of each others lives for a very long time.
peace & serenity,
danae
I am a big procrastinator. I have been as long as I can remember. I wonder what makes some people procrastinate and others do not. I think most people have put things off a little bit, but are not as much of a procrastinator as I am.
I sometimes think that is why I want a Dominant and also my Daddy in my life. Because I will be held accountable for my actions. I have not really ever been held accountable.
My parents would get mad at my grades or something similar to that but all I got was a lecture and not always that (sometimes it just was let go with no one caring). The lecture did not stop me from doing it again. I would just hear that I needed to do better. But why? I never knew why.
On to more pleasant topics….
This weekend was interesting as always…when Jackie comes home to visit.
This weekend special memories were created with Jackie. I love her very much and am happy to have had the time with her I did.
Wednesday – Jackie got here about 4:30 – 5pm and she and I just laid on the bed talking. I very much wanted to kiss her and hold her then but I needed to talk to her about how she felt about that first.
So I brought it up. She and I talked and she wanted the same things I did.
Daddy and I had talked that when it comes to sex I am like a man lol But with woman I can be woman also. But I go back and forth between the two. I am like a man because I just like to dive in and go for it - no foreplay. I just want the good stuff. And what I feel Jackie needs is me to be more of a woman. So I tried to make a conscious effort at first to be a woman and treat her like a woman.
One of my fears when getting close to someone is intimacy. Someone on a mailing list I am on said recently that woman equate love and sex. I equate intimacy with love. I can just have sex and not love the person. But to be intimate with someone to me is to love that person.
I have been craving that intimacy for a while. I miss honeyrose. But that is not the reason…I wanted to be with Jackie. I wanted to be with Jackie because I love Jackie and wanted to show her that with that level of intimacy that scares me.
There was a point on Friday night we were out at the informal, that the urge was so strong. I wanted Jackie so very much. I had been so scared and then something clicked inside when I was watching her. And I was not scared anymore. We kissed at Karaoke and I just wanted to kiss her more. Touch her more. When we got home we were changing in the bedroom and I just could not resist. I just took her and kissed her deeply pushing her against the wall. I needed that kiss..I needed her.
From then on it was good – I was not scared. And we had a great weekend. I love Jackie very much. I hope that we are a part of each others lives for a very long time.
peace & serenity,
danae
Friday, November 10, 2000
Jackie is in town this weekend...
...so I will not be writing much. Since trying to spend time with my beautiful little sister.
Yesterday was kind of a strange day.
Jackie and I talked a lot. Something I will get to in a moment.
There is so much floating around in my head. I do not even know where to start.
Searching for something that I am not sure I can find right now. I have myself in a situation where I just need to keep going ahead. Faith…..
Faith…I am not sure why I have it and why I always feel it can work out. Maybe I am tired and just cannot fight anymore…so I just stay where I am…and it is not really faith, but resolve.
Do not take that wrong – just know I am kind of writing without really examining.
New Topic…Jackie and I….
Jackie is young and as we get closer I want to have a more intimate loving relationship with her. I want to kiss – touch – hold her and show her how much she means to me. But I am also very scared I am going to hurt her. I want to reach out touch her – pull her too me – snuggle close to her but I am also scared to do it. She has said she wants the same things…so I know it is there so why not just do it? I have not idea. I am just scared.
The writing….
I started the writing on what is the difference between submission, service, and surrender to me. So far they are just basic concepts wrote down.
I have also started writing on why I do not think submission is a gift. I will put that on the blogger once I have it done too.
Tonight…
Tonight we are all going out to the informal of a local group. One of the local BDSM groups I belong to has a formal meeting once a month – with a topic and/or demo. And then they also have an informal social….go to dinner and karaoke and just hang out and talk and have some fun together. Daddy, Jackie, SJ and I are all going together and then we are meeting Di there. It was Di’s birthday on Monday and her and my anniversary of meeting each other. Nov. 6th Di and I have known each other 2 years. I am very lucky to have her in my life. She has been a FANTASTIC friend!!!
I need go and get going on my day....
peace & serenity,
danae
danaewhispering@aol.com
Yesterday was kind of a strange day.
Jackie and I talked a lot. Something I will get to in a moment.
There is so much floating around in my head. I do not even know where to start.
Searching for something that I am not sure I can find right now. I have myself in a situation where I just need to keep going ahead. Faith…..
Faith…I am not sure why I have it and why I always feel it can work out. Maybe I am tired and just cannot fight anymore…so I just stay where I am…and it is not really faith, but resolve.
Do not take that wrong – just know I am kind of writing without really examining.
New Topic…Jackie and I….
Jackie is young and as we get closer I want to have a more intimate loving relationship with her. I want to kiss – touch – hold her and show her how much she means to me. But I am also very scared I am going to hurt her. I want to reach out touch her – pull her too me – snuggle close to her but I am also scared to do it. She has said she wants the same things…so I know it is there so why not just do it? I have not idea. I am just scared.
The writing….
I started the writing on what is the difference between submission, service, and surrender to me. So far they are just basic concepts wrote down.
I have also started writing on why I do not think submission is a gift. I will put that on the blogger once I have it done too.
Tonight…
Tonight we are all going out to the informal of a local group. One of the local BDSM groups I belong to has a formal meeting once a month – with a topic and/or demo. And then they also have an informal social….go to dinner and karaoke and just hang out and talk and have some fun together. Daddy, Jackie, SJ and I are all going together and then we are meeting Di there. It was Di’s birthday on Monday and her and my anniversary of meeting each other. Nov. 6th Di and I have known each other 2 years. I am very lucky to have her in my life. She has been a FANTASTIC friend!!!
I need go and get going on my day....
peace & serenity,
danae
danaewhispering@aol.com
Wednesday, November 08, 2000
About Me....
After reading what Danae means again, I am thinking people probably think I am a very depressing person lol
I am the person that is described but I am much more then those mere words. I have lots of different facets. Which I think by reading that, you can see it in the words there is more there.
So here is a look at Danae from my perspective….
I am very emotional…I go with my heart over my intellect. It gets me in trouble at times and it also has been right on things the majority of the time. I am sensitive to others sometimes on deeper level then I want - because I end up feeling their pain.
I have a good imagination. I am creative - talented - when I put my mind to it. I have so many interests that I have trouble deciding which ones to pursue. I have plenty of inner ambition, but I am aware of a tendency toward indecisiveness. Especially when I am emotionally stressed.
I do at times lack a great deal of self-confidence. And at other times there is no stopping me. I am kind of up and down lol
I am honest and loyal. I am supportive and understanding.
I have a hard time communicating. I really never knew this was a problem until recently. There are some people who seem to get what I am saying really easily and others I can explain things over and over and over. And they just don't get it. It is easier for me to write then talk.
I am shy until I get to know a person. Often hide nervousness by making jokes. Or just being totally silent. :)
I like labels for myself. I am bisexual, polyamorous submissive. I am an artist. I am a woman and a little girl.
I once had someone tell me he was Dominant only in the bedroom. And that is fine for him. But I am not just submissive in the bedroom. I am submissive. Just like I am an artist. I am not just an artist in the art studio or at a drawing table. Because I am an artist the way I look at life, react, see, and feel about the world and the things happening and going on around me are effected. Just as I am a submissive and I see the world and react and feel a certain way to experiences because I am submissive. That does not mean I submit to everyone in the world. Just that I see things as a submissive. Just as I see things as an artist and a woman.
Hmmm I believe in that all things happen for a reason. I try to see the good in all until I get hurt to much..and even then it is hard for me to write them off.
I am smart, fun, social, sensual, passionate, compassionate, cute and adorable (adding that for my Daddy), honest, supportive, emotional, sensitive, loving, kind, courageous, strong. (Okay so I took a poll to ask people what they thought when they thought of me and these are what they said lol)
I am Danae....I know who I am and what I want. I laugh often, live passionately, and love deeply.
peace & serenity,
danae
(ps: if you are coming here via Ownership and Enslavement Weblogs - I switched to beta blogger a while back and since then the rss feed doesn't work. And so it goes back this entry. Please go here to see more current entries.)
I am the person that is described but I am much more then those mere words. I have lots of different facets. Which I think by reading that, you can see it in the words there is more there.
So here is a look at Danae from my perspective….
I am very emotional…I go with my heart over my intellect. It gets me in trouble at times and it also has been right on things the majority of the time. I am sensitive to others sometimes on deeper level then I want - because I end up feeling their pain.
I have a good imagination. I am creative - talented - when I put my mind to it. I have so many interests that I have trouble deciding which ones to pursue. I have plenty of inner ambition, but I am aware of a tendency toward indecisiveness. Especially when I am emotionally stressed.
I do at times lack a great deal of self-confidence. And at other times there is no stopping me. I am kind of up and down lol
I am honest and loyal. I am supportive and understanding.
I have a hard time communicating. I really never knew this was a problem until recently. There are some people who seem to get what I am saying really easily and others I can explain things over and over and over. And they just don't get it. It is easier for me to write then talk.
I am shy until I get to know a person. Often hide nervousness by making jokes. Or just being totally silent. :)
I like labels for myself. I am bisexual, polyamorous submissive. I am an artist. I am a woman and a little girl.
I once had someone tell me he was Dominant only in the bedroom. And that is fine for him. But I am not just submissive in the bedroom. I am submissive. Just like I am an artist. I am not just an artist in the art studio or at a drawing table. Because I am an artist the way I look at life, react, see, and feel about the world and the things happening and going on around me are effected. Just as I am a submissive and I see the world and react and feel a certain way to experiences because I am submissive. That does not mean I submit to everyone in the world. Just that I see things as a submissive. Just as I see things as an artist and a woman.
Hmmm I believe in that all things happen for a reason. I try to see the good in all until I get hurt to much..and even then it is hard for me to write them off.
I am smart, fun, social, sensual, passionate, compassionate, cute and adorable (adding that for my Daddy), honest, supportive, emotional, sensitive, loving, kind, courageous, strong. (Okay so I took a poll to ask people what they thought when they thought of me and these are what they said lol)
I am Danae....I know who I am and what I want. I laugh often, live passionately, and love deeply.
peace & serenity,
danae
(ps: if you are coming here via Ownership and Enslavement Weblogs - I switched to beta blogger a while back and since then the rss feed doesn't work. And so it goes back this entry. Please go here to see more current entries.)
Tuesday, November 07, 2000
Life Update: Wednesday to Tomorrow
I have not posted in a while and my life has been busy. How does it do that...it will be going long real slowly and then all of sudden a week has passed and I am not sure where it even really went.
Trying to recount my days…not sure where Wednesday and Thursday went.
Friday - my day was spent trying to work but it ended up being wasted - I ended up not working. I did accomplish a few things on my list such as my errands and I got to see a friend of mine, E. She is a lot of fun. We have not know each other long – we work together and the more I find out about her the more and more I think we are alike and could be really good friends.
The first time I met her she was so cute (she is always cute really). I told her I was in D/s and told her briefly of my experiences. And her response was “wow you are a real submissive.” She has an interest in D/s – BDSM so I have talked with her about it some. I think she would really like to pursue it more. I need to invite her to come with us to groups and such.
Saturday - We went to a play party. We were with lots of friends and had a great time. My Daddy sessioned a good friend of ours SJ. And then he helped co-top another good friend ours Rach. Rach had some really nice marks…. they were the raised purple/red/blood at the surface kind of marks. Mmmmmmmmmm they looked yummy.
It was a small group and I like that because this dungeon although it has nice equipment is kind of tiny.
Sunday was a lazy day. I did laundry and then Daddy and I went to dinner at a Chinese restaurant I really like.
Monday – I worked. I worked with E. Her and I had a good time working together even though the work got to be a little long. I then came home and cleaned the kitchen. Daddy came home with groceries. My boss stopped by to get something from me. She stayed and talked a long while. Daddy made dinner…while I talked with my boss. Dinner was really good. I was so hungry. I had not eaten all day. Also he got me Diet Coke which I was so happy about I had not had one all day. LOL I am addicted to it. I really have cut down A LOT….I was drinking almost a 2 liter a day. Not I am down to 2 glasses a day.
Last night Mistress DM called me. She moved to the west to be where she has always wanted to be. We had a nice talk in which she asked me to write something for her….on what is submission, service, and surrender are to me….fun fun LOL
I really do not understand how she knows me so well when I try not to give her much info lol
BTW I have started list of names of people who will frequent my journal entries and given some feelings or background to who they are and what they mean to me.
Tomorrow – My lil sis comes home for the weekend!!!! Yippeeee!!!! :) Jackie is the greatest. I have lots floating around about her but I need to discuss it with her before writing about it here.
Okay so that is what has been happening in my life. How have I been feeling in my life? When I made this journal and chose the name danae….I told myself it was because I wanted to start a new chapter of my life. And I had some things in my mind to journal about. Has that got done yet? No! Why? I am very good at procrastinating. LOL Also, not sure I want to think about it…I like to live in denial at times and this is one time I think. And a blog makes you see it in black and white...so that you can't hide from the truth.
I need to get some things done today before Jackie comes home.
I wish everyone a great week!
peace & serenity,
danae
Trying to recount my days…not sure where Wednesday and Thursday went.
Friday - my day was spent trying to work but it ended up being wasted - I ended up not working. I did accomplish a few things on my list such as my errands and I got to see a friend of mine, E. She is a lot of fun. We have not know each other long – we work together and the more I find out about her the more and more I think we are alike and could be really good friends.
The first time I met her she was so cute (she is always cute really). I told her I was in D/s and told her briefly of my experiences. And her response was “wow you are a real submissive.” She has an interest in D/s – BDSM so I have talked with her about it some. I think she would really like to pursue it more. I need to invite her to come with us to groups and such.
Saturday - We went to a play party. We were with lots of friends and had a great time. My Daddy sessioned a good friend of ours SJ. And then he helped co-top another good friend ours Rach. Rach had some really nice marks…. they were the raised purple/red/blood at the surface kind of marks. Mmmmmmmmmm they looked yummy.
It was a small group and I like that because this dungeon although it has nice equipment is kind of tiny.
Sunday was a lazy day. I did laundry and then Daddy and I went to dinner at a Chinese restaurant I really like.
Monday – I worked. I worked with E. Her and I had a good time working together even though the work got to be a little long. I then came home and cleaned the kitchen. Daddy came home with groceries. My boss stopped by to get something from me. She stayed and talked a long while. Daddy made dinner…while I talked with my boss. Dinner was really good. I was so hungry. I had not eaten all day. Also he got me Diet Coke which I was so happy about I had not had one all day. LOL I am addicted to it. I really have cut down A LOT….I was drinking almost a 2 liter a day. Not I am down to 2 glasses a day.
Last night Mistress DM called me. She moved to the west to be where she has always wanted to be. We had a nice talk in which she asked me to write something for her….on what is submission, service, and surrender are to me….fun fun LOL
I really do not understand how she knows me so well when I try not to give her much info lol
BTW I have started list of names of people who will frequent my journal entries and given some feelings or background to who they are and what they mean to me.
Tomorrow – My lil sis comes home for the weekend!!!! Yippeeee!!!! :) Jackie is the greatest. I have lots floating around about her but I need to discuss it with her before writing about it here.
Okay so that is what has been happening in my life. How have I been feeling in my life? When I made this journal and chose the name danae….I told myself it was because I wanted to start a new chapter of my life. And I had some things in my mind to journal about. Has that got done yet? No! Why? I am very good at procrastinating. LOL Also, not sure I want to think about it…I like to live in denial at times and this is one time I think. And a blog makes you see it in black and white...so that you can't hide from the truth.
I need to get some things done today before Jackie comes home.
I wish everyone a great week!
peace & serenity,
danae
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