Loyalty

This holiday weekend I ended up thinking about loyalty a lot.

When I was 18, I had a boyfriend who basically told me he owned me. I had no idea what that really meant at that time. I knew nothing of BDSM or D/s. He just said he owned me. He did many things that were non-consensual. And other things that taught me a lot about myself.

One thing he did was have me gang raped. While I was raped I had orgasms and felt very ashamed and guilty afterwards because of that. Even though I was scared, fighting and saying no and stop my body reacted. I continued to date him and do as he said after that and I am not sure why still.

After he did that to me, he used what he saw that night against me. He saw that I had orgasms and that part of myself fought against it because I did like it. That lack of control and fear has always been a turn on for me. But I still do not agree with how he handled it - it was non-consensual to me. How he treated me changed after the gang rape, it became more dangerous and pushing the edge consistently. He also had been gambling lots and losing lots of money. He owed lots of people money. Because of the debts he had he needed to make money up fast. And I was an 18 year old, busty, skinny little chick and he saw dollar signs. He sold me. He prostituted me out. Most of it I have just blocked out. I remember it happening but do not want to think of the details.

I wrote this when I was starting to deal with all that happened to me - specifically being gang raped....It was a letter with anger in it and is graphic..just warning you.

The first part was from a bookmarker that a friend sent me.

Confronting dragons

Overcoming the obstacles

Understanding the risks

Really living

Always believing

Going the distance

Expecting the BEST

We all are different - each a unique creation of God. I suppose that is why we all look at things differently - why we all have our own definition of hope, faith, happiness, peace, love, and courage. I believe I have courage. I am very proud of myself for my courage.

I received "What is Courage," from a friend, who is also a rape survivor. We are reading a book titled "The Courage to Heal - A Guide for Woman Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse" The book is mainly for woman survivors of child sexual abuse - but it speaks the truth for all sexual abuse survivors. I told her I did not think I had it in me - the courage to heal. She, being a good friend, reminded me I did. She wrote me a wonderful, supportive letter and sent a bookmaker that had "What is Courage" on it. I know I have courage. I needed reminding.

So what is courage to me? Courage to me is coping with that fact that I was forced to perform oral sex on four men. Courage is knowing that if I were to fight them any more I would not live when each of them took their turn having sex with me. Courage is blocking out things that my mind and body could not cope with at the age of 18 - like having my face shoved into a mattress while each man had anal sex with me. Courage to me is being raped by four men and being able to walk out of that house ALIVE. Courage is still going on after all that those men have stolen. Courage is dealing with my rape after stuffing it away and pretending it did not happen for so many years. Courage is looking at all they took away from me/how they altered my life and start grieving the losses and taking back control of my life.

So . . .

"C" is for Confronting the dragons - four men who raped a 18-year-old in a very vicious and violent way. The images stay in front of my eyes almost 24 hrs a day. Yet I am not pretending it did not happen anymore. I am facing those dragons daily!

"O" is for Overcoming the obstacles - many obstacles to over come from this situation. First one in overcoming it was accepting it happened to me. Next was trying to feel again and trying to identify my feelings stuffed away since the day they raped me. Now that I am healing, another obstacle came up . . . who am I now? Finding that out and trying to show myself that I deserve to love and live.

"U" is for Understanding the risks - took me 11 yrs to let my rape out. When I did admit it to myself, it took me another three months to tell my therapist about it. Big Risks - because I was going to have to give up a way of life - not dealing with anything - stuffing everything away - and existing instead of living.

"R" is for Really Living. This is a wonderful part of courage and probably the most scary for someone in my situation. The day I broke the silence - I started living. Some days I would give anything to go back and keep it all inside because the pain of it is unbelievable. I am living the rape again - only I think now it is worse. However, I am living it which means I will heal - because it is not buried eating away/taking away the rest of me left.

"A" is for Always Believing - I will always believe that - I will heal. I believe I will gain control back from those monsters. I will see my worth - I will know that it is not my fault. I will stop the chaos in my life. I will succeed in my dreams. I will be able to focus again. I will have peace of mind and heart again. I will LIVE again.

"G" is for Going the distance. I have traveled a long road to get here and the road ahead is even longer, but I know I can make it. I will heal. I will be whole again. I am going the distance to reclaim my life from four men who stole it Dec. 31, 1985.

"E" is for Expecting the BEST! Yes, I am expecting the best - the best of me. I am going to heal and show the world me and that will be the best I have to give. The real me - a woman who is a survivor of a terrible trauma. I may not have handled it right all the time - but I know my direction now and am walking that road of healing. A long hard road - but with a bright sun shining at the end of the path.

So, I believe I know what Courage is. It is me. It is every person who feels courage in their heart and soul. It is every person who faces daily life. Living takes courage.

I wrote this many years after I was raped when dealing with it, but I have had to come back to it often these days. Things happened. And to heal I do things to reclaim my power. To re-write the past. Recently I have had people try to take my power away again. But I am here to tell you, that is not possible. I am in D/s where it is all about giving up power….Consensually.

And that doesn't mean I just roll over because I am submissive when someone tries to take my power away when I don't consent to it. So I am fighting back....watch out :)

You probably are wondering why I started this off with loyalty though.

Shortly after I left my boyfriend when I was 18, that did all those things to me, I had a very good friend start flirting with him. I had not told anyone about what was going on - not even told anyone I was seeing him. But I just warned her that he was bad news and he had hurt me more then I could explain. I cried and just told her to trust me as a friend that he was hurt me very deeply and I did not want her to be hurt like I was. She was very kind said she was sorry he was a jerk and that she understood. I week went by and I heard that she was dating him. I went to her and said why are you dating him. She said “well he is good to me.”

I don't know if I can say that person was really a friend because she didn't trust my judgment and also she was loyal to me. To me her dating him meant it was okay he raped me.

If I have a friend come to me as say this person hurt me and they are not a good person, then I will not be friends or interact. The most they would get is civil.

A friend told me today about a person that has hurt me recently that if she saw him hurt in the street she would not help him. One because she is so outraged at what he did to me. And two she kind of thinks it is karma.

I have a lot of friends and so many of them have touched me to where I love them as more then just friends and would do anything I could to help them. When they touch my heart, I feel for them. I feel their happiness and pain. So if they are happy I want to celebrate with them. And if they are hurt I want to protect and comfort them. And if the person who hurt them comes near me why would I trust them? Why? Why would I be friends with them?

I have gone the route were maybe they can learn if I try to teach them how people should treat people. Well, I guess I have tried it with each of the people that have hurt me and I always get burned the second time around. 3rd time is not a charm with me….you are out.

I guess what I want to say those of you that are my friends out there….I will protect you, I will defend you, I will honor your name and give you the respect that those that have harmed you have not….I will be loyal. I will have the courage to stand up for you and believe in you.

peace and serenity,
danae