Intimacy

I have not blogged for a very long time........

Mostly because I did not want anyone to hurt over things I say. And that bothers me partly as this is for me. I was for a while journaling - in a hand written journal...since I was not blogging. But then that stopped also. Even though there is LOTS of things I can and should be writing about.

Today I am writing because 1) I need too 2) the things I am talking about are pretty generic and not pointing back to someone - they are but are not.

This summer I stayed with a couple and one thing I learned while there was that I have intimacy issues.

I am not sure why I do exactly...I suppose it is just that I do not want to be rejected or hurt. Because intimacy to me opens a person up. It is like the bones inside me are really who I am but no one can see that and then when I am intimate with someone - it is like i am standing in front of an x-ray machine and they see EVERYTHING. They see all the flaws - all my past - all my good and all my bad.

I am having problems with intimacy right now. And I really am not liking it lol It might be due to other things going on in my life. I just feel insecure on some things. And I really am not liking that feeling at all. I think the insecurities might be leaking into the intimacy problems I am having and making me scare more then I should be.

I just looked up the definition of intimacy just to see what it said...the definition of intimacy sucks. It says "something of a personal or private nature." It MORE then that. I mean that sounds like it could be the definition of secret.

Intimacy is so much more...then that. It is that bond or connection that flows when people who mean something to each other interact. When I look at Honey I see and feel things that I do not with others. And to express physically, emotionally and mentally - that to me is intimacy. The look, the touch, the kiss...not sexual..intimate. I have felt intimacy during sex but it more during other times that I feel it.

I hate that something I crave and want and NEED so badly is so hard for me. Why do I freeze and panic with the thought of being intimate. Must i struggle with everything in my life? Struggle to submit. Struggle with relationships. Struggle with work. Struggle with intimacy. I am really pissed off with myself right now...and maybe I am just needing to be beat.

I have not been in almost a month now and sooooo I am sure it does effect me. But that should not stop me from opening up and exposing myself to someone I love and trust...it should not stop me from being intimate. I am not sure what else I want to say....I feel like lots is bubbling on the edges but not sure I can let it out. Hard to start again when I have not for a while.

soooo I am going to end this entry for now.....

maybe pick it up later...