danae

I have started a relationship that has become very special to me in a short time. I was not looking for him. As I have Daddy and Sir in my life.

He wrote me an email that stood out from the rest and so I took a chance and emailed him back. He is intelligent. He listens. He is funny and caring. He is Dominant. He is always thinking and storing the information he gathers from me to use to get in my head.

I feel like I am being broke down like I was with Don but in a good way. Things are changing in me already.

He had me write an essay and I knew it was a test and with work I was tooooo busy to really do it justice but I did it because I knew that if I did not I might lose my chance. So I wrote. It was hard for me to write. It also was a test for him even though I did not see that until today. To see if I could make him forget about it and say skip it. But he did not.

Why do we test? Not sure but part of me hates that I do. Test and/or push. I am surprised I have not pushed him away yet….but maybe I have and I am not seeing it right now.

Okay I am going to have to skip around tonight I need to write about…because it is so on the surface right now.

He is the most amazing man. He made me feel so special last night. He was a man with me. He was a man. I am not sure anyone will understand what I mean by a man.

He was not domineering. He was not passive or indecisive and not that these are women qualities they are not. But so many men in my life and those around me I see in relationships are not strong men. And me describing him as strong does not mean I do not want to see him cry and comfort him when he goes through a loss or sorrow. Because I want to be there for him in good and bad. Always.

He is one who can wipe the tears from my cheek and hold me close. And one who can say that I did wrong I need to be punished. He can hurt and expose his vulnerabilities and I want to see all he is and give just as much back. He has it all. And part of me feels like the other shoe is going to drop and he is going to wake up one morning and say, “you are a freak…I do not want to be with you.”

I am more scared then I think I have ever been. And more wanting to have a chance at things I have always dreamed of.

Last night I let go and gave him a lot of trust. More trust then others have had in this amount of time. I felt intimacy. And some of it scared me but other parts of it made me feel very calm inside.

I have been struggling what to call him here. He told me to call him Aslan. I am not sure at this time what it means but I hope to at some point.

I started to crash today again. Seeing him and then having to leave him just made me feel so alone. And as he and I talked last night – I have lots of people in my life. Lots of friends and family but I am alone. I am alone. Part of me has preferred it that way as no one could hurt me as much as when I was with someone. Love hurts.

I talk and talk and talk with him. He knows things that no other has heard. Except maybe Di and as I just found out there is one thing that I had not told Di that I told him…which of course I think shocked her lol

I said no to him tonight. It hurt more then anything. I am still feeling the pain from it. I wish so badly I could have just obeyed. I did not think it would hurt this much. I do not wish to do it again…

So anyway Aslan is in my life and I hope that we continue moving forward. He is an incredible man...in so many ways.

peace,
danae