danae

Tuesday and some of Wednesday.....

Tuesday

I think I experience a type of sub drop again. After being with Aslan my first night I just was so caught up in it and when we left each other it just made me crash.....

And then not sure if it was part of the crashing I was out of it all day. I just felt like I was on drugs almost...but sad.

I then did a BAD thing....I said no to Aslan. And if I had just expressed my thoughts and what was going on he would have done what was best for us. But I just said no. Which of course did not go over well for very good reasons. I am not sure what I was thinking - I was not thinking obviously.

I felt horrible as soon as I did it. I could not shake it off. I was beating up on myself with good reason.

Wednesday

Worked and then Aslan and I met for lunch. He picked me up from a place I was working at and then we took a drive. I knew as we sat in the car with him that I would be punished that day. I had forgot to do something else and he realized that as I got in his car. He had told me on Tuesday morning when we left the hotel that I needed to bring him my art the next time I saw him. Well that was the next time. And I did not. I forgot about and part of me forgot about it purposely as I hate showing people my art and I get very stressed and have lots of anxiety over it.

So when we got to the place where I was going to be punished at....I was informed I did 2 things wrong. He sat me on his knee and told me what I did wrong and that he was disappointed. And then I got on the bed on my hands and knees and he used his belt on me.

I have never felt such pain before. I have not been punished as a submissive very much. But now I am different and it is like I am learning what to do all over again. It hurt so much and I did not want to cry and finally I let it out. And he did some more and then he sat on the bed and pulled me to him and let me cry...holding me. Telling me I was forgiven. We then left and drove all the way back as we had just drove around and around talking and talking.

Something I love with Aslan. We talk about so many different things. I want to know EVERYTHING about him. I want to share everything with him also about myself. I do not want anything that is just for me I want it to be for us...for Him. I have always kept parts of myself for me. And I do not want that with him.

I then went back to work and then went to get Daddy from work. Aslan had planned that we would meet Di for drinks so he could meet her. :) And then I was to spend the night with him. I was to bring my art and show it too Di now also - in TGIF. Ohhhh sooooo much anxiety about that one.

So I did some work then I got my art together and my bag and Aslan picked me up. We went to meet Di. She LOVED him lol She of course thinks the same things I do....he is not like any of the other Dominants I have liked or been involved with...he is down to earth - very intelligent - funny - and SO CUTE :) He is whole. He is a Dominant with me always. I feel it when he looks at me but as a Dominant he can joke around - he can care for me and show me tenderness and so much more. He can cry and still be Dominant. He is real.

So we ate and talked and talked and then....He said he was going to get my art so Di and could talk about him...

*side track for a moment...I am at my parents the phone just rang....it was one of my childhood sweethearts mom....wow that was a blast from the past. She sounds the same. I should have asked about him but I figured mom could give me the scoop lol Anyway lots of memories flooded back.*

I tried to express to him the anxiety had about it....and I believe he understood but felt it was something I needed to push past but I just could not so he left I had to go to the bathroom because I felt like I was going to get sick.

I came back and he was there with the roll on his lap he had the waitress come over and wipe the table down and then he put it on the table and the first picture on the top was of her....

And I said Morgan and Di knew then why I was having problems with this not only is it hard for me to show my art is hard because lots of images of Morgan.

I had not told him about Morgan.

He sat and looked at it and when I started to cry because of the images of Morgan he took my hand and squeezed it and the things he said and the look on his face was incredible. He was feeling each line I had on the paper. He asked good questions but questions that were hard for me to answer as it happened so long ago and I do not remember the feelings or the things going on. Some things I do and some I can look at and say I was angry that day. You can tell from the lines. He could see it too.

We then drove to spend the night together....and on the way back....he told me something very painful for him. It was the first time I felt him pull away. I mean he was sharing and let it out and shared but he told it to me from a distance. Protecting himself from me? I do not think so I think he was doing as he has always done told it in a way that he was able to and still cope. But I felt walls up they are like invisible walls - so you can see but not touch.

The rest will come later I missing him and going to go try to call him...

peace,
danae