danae

Wednesday night….

I am not sure I want to write about.

It is something I think I will remember all my life…..

He brushed my hair…..He touched me…he was rough…he was gentle…. He was showing me feeling inside myself I did not know where there.

I am sitting here thinking about those events and I am not sure whether to publish them or not. So if I am struggling with it right now I guess not. Even though if this was not public I would be writing about them. So still a debate…..

Okay so Wednesday night was intense….

Thursday

Thursday night was a bondage class that I went to with Sir. He and I talked about Aslan a lot. And I finally admitted to him how I feel about him. Even though I know that I cannot get all that I need from Sir. It is strange because I am calling him Sir and yet Aslan is my Sir now. I feel torn at times. I will be in IM’s with Sir and IM’s with Aslan and type yes Sir in both boxes. But yet I feel Aslan is the one in control of me. I feel I am his already and so he is Sir. And so when talking Sir I have been “forgetting” the Sir at the end the sentence or question. And that has bothered me and I can tell it bothers Sir too.
Sir keeps telling me that he wants me to be happy. And I believe he does. I just think it is harder for him to lose me – not that he is losing me but our relationship the status of it is changing. And I can tell I am hurting him and that is hard on me.

I saw Moni, Michael and Lucar on Thursday night and it was good to see them again.

When I got home, I did some work and then I met Aslan again. I had not expected it. It was my last night at home. And Daddy and I had not had any time but I needed to be with Aslan.

And I screwed up again that night….

I feel at times that I keep failing. And that I just am not going to be the submissive I once was…and I so much want to give to Aslan that level of submission. I want to submit to him and do all that he wants and desires and needs. But yet I do that struggle with myself. Even as he told me what I did wrong before punishing me – I struggled not to talk back. I struggled as I was punished not to get up and walk away. But part of me could not and that is the part I wish was always there.

I said something I hate to say and hate when others say to me….I told him he deserves better. I feel like I am not a good submissive and at times I feel like I am not going to get it.

Something that has surprised me A LOT is how much I love sleeping with him……I have always preferred to sleep alone. But I miss him when I am not in bed with him at night. I miss his touch. I miss his breath on my skin as we snuggle close. I miss the warmth in his body. I miss starring at his incredibly handsome face as he sleeps…wondering what he is dreaming about in that moment. I miss touching his skin….running my fingers over his chest. I miss him. Last night I reached out for him and then realized where I was and I would not be feeling him next to me this time.

Friday

I woke in the morning and I asked for something again lol and finally I got a yes : ) So I was allowed to do it and I enjoyed EVERY moment of it. I had to stop at times because anxiety took over. He told me I was not ready for it. And in that moment I understood what he meant but I still finished and I am SOOO happy he let me do that. I still think of it and wiggle : )

I did not work much on Friday – I did laundry and packed. I then got a mushy letter from Sir that made me cry and I need to write him back still. And then I went to pick up Daddy at work and we went to dinner. Aslan called during dinner so I got up and went outside to hear him better and also so we could have some privacy. He did not sound good….or like his usual self and I wished there had been a way that I could have helped him. I am not even sure if anything was wrong except he had lots of work and was tired.

I almost feel asleep at the wheel when going to pick up Daddy so that worried both Daddy and Aslan. I called and had Daddy talk to me until I got there so that I stayed awake.

We then went to the airport and I arrived in Minneapolis last night.

Something….to ramble about : )

I think Aslan at times thinks I am basing my happiness on him. And I am not….I know that for sure. When I made the changes I did I realized then that no one else can make you happy. It is only me who can make me happy. I was happy before he came it my life and I will hurt if he leaves it – I will grieve for a while but I will not let it stop me from moving forward.

My insecurities as he breaks the walls down I think are what he sees and thinks I am not happy. But he is breaking the wall down….It is like there is this big brick fortress around me and it a few layers thick and as he busts them down I am scrambling behind him to put it back in place but things are just no fitting like they are suppose to an so it crumbles to pieces. I am very scared. But my light the warmth is still there like it always has been.

I think what I did in December was for me for my happiness. Then Sir came into my life and yes he was a level of happiness but it is like the is a line it is me and my happiness and then Sir come along and intertwines with my happiness – adding to it but not changing my happiness before he came into my life. I think Sir was a step to gain some things back such as my submissive feelings and submission. And he was very needed to get to this point with Aslan.

Okay time to get to bed….my eyes are drifting off….

peace,
danae