danae

Music: Madness ~ Total Madness - the very best of Madness
Topics: SMART Fest, Soulhuntre & Kimiko, and Him

Friday - I did some last minute SMART Fest things and then packed. Bill came home from work and then we left to head to Cleveland. The weather was getting kind of icky…but we got there before it got really bad.

So I am going to be a giggly groupie for a moment….*grins* My room was next to Soulhuntre’s and Kimiko’s lol

Bill and I checked in and then…I went and helped out with some setting up before changing. At the opening ceremonies I got to see lots of people I had not seen in a long time and that was awesome. Several people who read my journal were there….and got on my case about not writing much lately. One person I was really so excited about seeing told me to say hi….so…Hello to Jim in Chicago from me (not the same Jim as my ex - husband obviously - as my ex would never be at a BDSM event lol).

After that Moni, Michael, Bill and Lisa went to dinner and then to see Dita

She was very beautiful and sensual. There was a stripper after her…that I really enjoyed watching also. She was a fetish girl too…she looked very much like Betty Page. I was drooling : ) And all those bisexual urges were very much upfront….which of course made me think of Him and our issues with me being bisexual.

Then Saturday - I went to some classes…the first one was Caning. And the speaker and her submissives were just delightful. That is the only word to describe them. They all were so much fun. The speaker was MztrsCarol and she runs the Galleria Domain. I would love to go see Jim in Chicago and go to GD.

After that class…I then went to the Mind of a Slave. It was a good talk…it was more the speaker’s story…the story of his life…which I did not mind but wished it had said that is what it was going to be about.

Then after that class…it was a lunch break. I went to see if Fest crew needed me to do anything. And ended up just hanging out and talking. The next class I went to was Kimiko’s on Service First. She did a great job. I know she was really nervous but she did great : ) And I of course enjoyed hearing her speak.

The class after hers I did not go to either and went to hang out with the Fest crew to see again if anything was needed from me. But just hung out and talked before the last class, which was Soulhuntre’s and it was also very good. Many things he talked about remind me of my stay in Detroit. I think both of them need to talk and will be writing them to let them know about each other.

After the classes Bill, Lisa and I ordered room service and then….got dressed to go to the play party. I dressed like a little girl in a black and white baby doll, black tights, black mary janes, and my hair in braids that Lisa looped up for me and then tied black and white ribbons around them. I carried my new teddy bear around too…it is the teddy bear Bill and Lisa gave me for Christmas. I have not named him yet. I had them take a picture of me so I can send it to Him.

We got to the party and I had not been to the Haus Berlin in a long time. It has changed lots and is a very nice dungeon. I watched friends get beat. I ended up talking to Soulhuntre and Kimiko most of the night. It was nice.

Now...to offend some….I thought our conservative Cleveland scene might be a little vanilla to them…but they said it was much like it is everywhere else. I thought that was interesting.

Body Works had some people on site….and they did a “show” with hooks through to guys and then they basically played tug-o-war between each other with rope. The energy was very masochistic…and it made me feel so….yummy just watching it. Needles & piercings are not really anything I am jumping up to experience but wow….that was very cool and intense. I loved it watching it.

Not going to talk about anything else because it is a “privacy” thing but…I do know that the people from Body Works do this…and it is a “show” so…not like it is private.

I did not play. He had given me permission to play with Bill, but not anyone else. There were several people (after being there) that I would not have minded playing with but was very happy that I just hung out and talked with Soulhuntre and Kimiko.

Okay so….what surprised me…

Well Soulhuntre definitely did…he comes across online as such a hard ass. He talks about subjects with such…black and white opinions that it surprised me he was so casual and approachable. I did not feel uncomfortable or intimidated by him at all. He is very funny and that sense of humor does not come across very well online either.

Both him and Kimiko look much different in person then they do online too. He was very handsome and she was very cute and sexy. Check her out on Girl2.com.

I am very happy that I got a chance to meet them. I have followed them around online for years. I think I read Soulhuntre on one list about 8 years ago and that is when I realized that I wanted/needed to be a slave. That I wanted to live 24/7. I know that I am not cut out to be the type of service-oriented slave that Kimiko is…but I admire her dedication. I know she struggles, but I guess that helps me understand that it is not easy. That it does not come over night. That we are human even though we want this life…it is not easy.

So….that was them. They are great….check out all the links about them…and also check out The Estate. It is their training house.

Okay so while I was busy with SMART Fest….He went to look for cages for me….and did not find anything He liked…so built one. It is almost done. Yeah….OMG!! LOL *blushing* I am gone for 2 days and He builds a cage….am I in trouble or what??? *smiles*

I missed Him like crazy. He called on Sunday when Moni, Michael, Bill, Lisa and I were all at breakfast at Denny’s….and so they ALL talked with Him on the phone. I was dying of course ….which he loved.

I was really busy last week….but I am happy. I have some good things happening in my life right now. I have my trip to see Him to look forward to, I have good friends, work right now and then lots of other little things that just add up to good things happening. And I like that…

I do go through my doubts still…

Last night He and I had a conversation about one of His fetishes that is something I am not looking forward to at all.

It lead us to a conversation about the car analogy that I have used before. You have to take care of your care to make sure it runs properly and you would not take a sports car out to do 4 wheeling in the desert.

And the feeling I get is….that He might. And that bothers me. It bothers me that He would “ruin” His sports car.

Now to go on….the Man is building me a cage and worrying about what paint He should use for me to be in it long term. He has a shed and thought about that it was not properly ventilated so obviously He does care for His car.

The fetish He has that….I will hate doing and it will be an act of submission is….He has a clothing fetish. I am a big girl and He likes the thought of not only putting me in mismatching clothing and things that are just not “right” to wear but also clothes that are too tight and making me go out in public like that…showing off my “fat”….now please no emails about this. It will not damage my self-esteem - it is for humiliation and degradation and that is what will happen. I am very comfortable in my skin….so I can’t imagine it damaging my self-esteem at all.

So He has thoughts of making me wear spandex and tight shirts….wearing shorts with hose….wearing light blue eye shadow….and so on. I am a BIG girly girl….and so making me do these things will be bring me down….and that is exactly what He wants.

Doing these things for Him will be big act of submission for me. I will hate every moment of it. And doing STRICTLY for Him. And that is good but…you know I am human. And so to me there is a fine line between bringing me down and hurting me emotionally.

And I struggle with the fact that….part of me truly thinks…I just need to do what he says and “make” it right for Him. And the other part says….there is just some things that are not okay for *ME* - and what is right?

I believe I know what I want…and need. I have wrote about it lots here. But just because I know what I want does not stop doubts or thinking of situations and wondering what will happen. I obviously can’t know what will happen in each situation we go through.

I know…I am excited to go be with Him…and I know it will just take time to learn each other. I guess that is why we decided a month was a good time period for me to visit.

Time for me to end this…for now.