Topic: Mostly life with Him....with other random this-n-thats lol
Butterflies are really around me now : ) I can’t believe this time on Saturday I will be in the air on my way to see Him. *big smile* I am very nervous but also totally excited.
He has all sorts of plans. We discussed some the other night. Everything is a process with us. He wrote in His journal about the change and transition from online to real time. It is a very scary for both of us.
I keep thinking He will want me to be “enslaved” from the moment I land. And although He reassured me over and over that it is a process…for some reason something in me still doubts it.
Maybe it is because I know how I am real time. I will be very quiet and demure the first day or 2 or 3 because I will be scared. And then I will try to communicate more and in the past that has not happened very smoothly. girlie and I talked about that a little the other day as she reminded me how it was when I visited them, but also I have changed A LOT since I visited them that first time.
So, that transitioning time scares me because I tend to give a lot at first out of fear of displeasing when I know where my boundaries are then I might push some and that bothers me that I do that…but often I am not aware I am even doing it until in the middle of it or afterwards. : (
We discussed some of the things that will be a part of my life there…
Lack of freedom…
The only time I will be alone without Him will be at work but even then I will be restricted to freedoms. I will be either be hobbled or in my cage. Probably no online time while He is gone. I will start to learn that my time is His time to do what He wishes.
I will not be allowed to use the toilet – going to have to be using a bucket again. (I did that when I was Kam’s slave for a while.)
I will be caged a lot. All these things are a process but this one and having to wear a hood scare me probably the most right now. The cages scares me as I will be alone, confined, and I think it will make me feel like an animal. His cats roam His house free but I….am caged. I am humiliated. I am made to feel unequal and like nothing.
The hood I think will reinforce that feeling of being nothing…because there will be blackness. I will be cut off from the world. I will be this thing that He creates molds and uses.
He said that it will start out with me being caged while He is there then move to Him leaving for short time period and then moving up to where He cages me when He leaves for work and then letting me out when He comes home for lunch. I know eventually there will be days I will be caged all day while He is at work.
Everyone asks me what if I have to use the restroom….well….He and I have lots of fantasies of me pissing myself. And so I am sure I will be either having to hold it or pissing on myself. But I have not asked Him about this yet. I guess because it was not a concern of mine LOL But it is a question I keep getting asked.
I will not be allowed to use the furniture. I will learn to start drinking His urine. I will be enema trained. I will be high heel trained. I will have “uniforms” although at this time I am not quite sure what they are going to be like….but He showed me a site a while back that sold things to prisons such as restrains, clothing, bedding and such. There were basic, dull, ugly sack dresses that He showed me. Anyone who knows me knows I am a total girly girl so that will be VERY odd for me to be in something so dull.
I will be in restrains almost always with Him. He loves the idea of me being confined.
There will be 3 places I sleep…occasionally in His bed, the floor, or the cage. When in His bed or on the floor, I will be chained to the bed by one ankle.
These things will lead me to be “enslaved” by Him. All these things reinforcing that I am property and that I am a thing for His use, abuse and amusement.
As I write all this I am nervous and excited. I am so wet and turned on too *blushing*
Okay so….I am going to get what I asked for all these years…is this going to be one of those that that people say be careful what you wish for you might actually get it. :)
I was very embarrassed the other night…
He said He was out looking for buckets. And well I have had to use a bucket as my toilet before and so I know…what type of bucket works best…for me. And He has not done this before so I was inquiring what type of bucket He was getting and trying to subtle inquire what it was made of without having to….come out and say what I needed to get across to Him.
*blushing*
So, I finally I got it across to Him without saying what He said back (which He enjoyed saying to me so much….I could tell the Sadist in Him was out)
I don’t have our actual log in front of me but He said something like….
“Yes my fat piss slut the bucket will be sturdy.”
And I was ready to change the subject as He got what I was trying to say without me saying it but made me face the humiliation of what I was meaning. I wanted to crawl away and hide my face. But yet I was so wet and turned on. And I felt this click in me…like He reached out and said “Now I will push this button….see how easy it is to get you to react.”
He is sadistic and like humiliating me and wants to “hurt” me by inflicting pain on me. And yet He is the man that called me yesterday and calmed me down when I was having a bad day. His voice was calm and soothing and told me I would be safe and protected soon as I was feeling very uneasy and out-of-control. And soon my life will be extremely controlled and safe.
Okay on to other subjects….even though I could babble about Him and our life together for pages upon pages.
Oh….everyone keeps asking me if I will be keeping up my journal while there….the answer is YES! : ) It is very important to Him…that I have this medium to discuss, explore, record, contemplate all that will be going on with Him and I.
Next subject…Mistress DM has been on line a little bit more then she has since having her boi move in with her. We have chatted a few times and she asked me if I thought I would be going to Thunder in the Mountains. It is a big BDSM event in Denver. If things go as He and I hope, we will be there. It is very exciting to think about being owned…and going to that type of event. I have not went to an event – and served and been owned at the time since 1999. And that was…kind of an odd weekend.
The event is not even until July but people are already registering and making reservations. Their website is already up too….so you know it is a BIG event!
Hmm what next….I hung out with Katrina last night. Her and I had not had a chat session in a while. And I am glad I had some good quality time with her before I head to Him.
I had a conversation with M the other night. It was….maybe closure for both of us….moving on for both of us. I miss him. I think about him often. He knows this…with me even telling him. But now my path is heading another direction. M is someone that even though he was cruel and harsh. He cared in a way that I can’t explain and no one will probably see…that it was there but he did….but I also need a trust level he could not give me. Oddly enough…he would probably give me now. But he knows now I am going to Colorado. It was an odd conversation as usual with him…I can’t even remember it at this moment. I just remember after it…that I felt…that he and I where standing at this fork in the road and now he is going one way and I am going another.
I stopped writing for a little bit as He came home for lunch so we chatted online for a bit. After He left I got the baby oil and oiled my body. I do about once a week. I get lots of people tell me how soft my skin is….well here is my secret (not that they are profound or exciting)….I used Aveeno lotion daily. And then once a week I use baby oil all over. Also the place lots of people forget to lotion…is feet. I lotion and baby oil them also. But really I think the key is good lotion and using it DAILY. So that is my beauty tip for the day. *grins*
Okay so while I am rubbing baby oil on my legs I thought of massaging M….
M and I would be sitting in talking – not matter where if it was at His home or out and about at the park or a restaurant or just sitting in the car…and if I would get silent and have lots of thoughts going through me he would tell me to massage his hand….his arm…shoulders….or whatever and usually a few moments after I would start…I would start talking. It was his way to get me to talk.
It is like I had something to focus on so I could slow things down and talk. Todd did the same thing but kind of in reverse when something was going to be hard for me to do and he knew it….he would get me to start talking about just anything…and then I would forget about this hard thing I was having to do and then do it almost without thinking about it or being aware of it.
Nick just messaged. I have not talked to him in a while so I am going to end this journal entry, chat with him a bit….and then get ready for an evening with a friend. Tomorrow I am sure I will be going crazy…..excited – nervous – stressed with my packing and what not.
