danae

Topic: Mostly Mindfulness in Plain English and Buddhism

I have been bursting into tears about every 15 minutes the last 2 days. I feel like I am having depression, but I believe it is just stress…

I am worrying about it feels like a million things…things I can’t control, things that are not worth stressing about and things that I should not be worrying about because it will take care of itself.

I have a lot of self-doubt right now…wondering if I can be a good submissive…slave, wondering if I will be able to take His sadism, wondering if I will be good enough to serve Him. : (

I feel like I have had all this good energy around me and all of sudden something came in and is trying to bring in blackness around me. But I also know if I let it is the only way it can get here. So, I am trying hard to focus on the positives. The biggest positive right now is Him. He really has been a great supporter of me…that I can do anything. And I really really appreciate that is so good to me.

Now…He probably thinks it is a little strange for me to be saying that….as I was pretty grumpy with Him this morning. I am not sure why but I just feel like fighting….getting the bad feelings out and He is my safe place to do that right now. But it is not fair.

So, right now I am going to write about things that make me feel good and clear out bad energy.

There is a quote in one of my journal entries…

No matter how hard you pursue pleasure and success, there are times when you fail. No matter how fast you flee, there are times when pain catches up with you. -Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, "Mindfulness In Plain English”

Well one night I noticed someone found my journal for searching for that quote. And so I put in Mindfulness in Plain English that brought up the whole text of the book. Oh wow…both Him and I were…just sitting there reading the words and amazed. They were so powerful and intense. So, of course I am going to quote more here…

“The essence of our experience is change. Change is incessant. Moment by moment life flows by and it is never the same. Perpetual alteration is the essence of the perceptual universe. “

“You are not really touching life.”

“Our minds are full of opinions and criticisms. We have built walls all around ourselves and we are trapped in the prison of our own likes and dislikes. We suffer.”

“Meditation is a lot like cultivating a new land. To make a field out of a forest, fist you have to clear the trees and pull out the stumps. Then you till the soil and you fertilize it. Then you sow your seed and you harvest your crops. To cultivate your mind, first you have to clear out the various irritants that are in the way, pull them right out by the root so that they won’t grow back. Then you fertilize. You pump energy and discipline in the mental soil. Then you sow the seed and you harvest your crops of faith, morality, mindfulness and wisdom.”

I really like beliefs of Buddhism. The awareness of self…is very powerful.

I like how I can relate it back to how I want to serve. Such as the 4 Noble Truths…

1. Suffering exists
2. Suffering arises from attachment to desires
3. Suffering ceases when attachment to desire ceases
4. Freedom from suffering is possible by practicing the Eightfold Path

When I let go of my desires (not saying needs), then I will be able to surrender and serve more easily. But for me to do that is going to take a lot of work with and for Him. And also doing things to get more in touch with this spiritual side of me it will help strengthen my faith and help me serve Him better.

Here is the Noble Eightfold Path…

Right View
Right Thought
Right Speech
Right Action
Right Livelihood
Right Effort
Right Mindfulness
Right Contemplation

And the Eightfold Path to me helps in serving too. Keep my right view….I am here to serve Him. Right thought…He is my Owner. Right speech….Speak respectfully to Him. Right action….Serve Him obediently and gracefully. Right livelihood…Serve Him joyfully. Right effort…serving Him with all I have in me. Right mindfulness…being aware of what He expects and wants. Right contemplation…giving Him devotion and attention to Him and what He expects of his slave.

Now if it was that easy…but I do think meditation and keeping some of the things I learn about Buddhism would help me be a better slave.