danae

Music: Evanescene
Mood: Happy
Topics: All over the place - which is usual for me :)

Lately I have been giving lots of thought to why….I get so tied up (no pun intended) that I am not worthy of Master or when I "can't" do something that He desires or expects that I am failing Him and He might not want me. I have this great fear of Him telling me to leave. And I am not sure why I have that fear, as Master has never given me that message - He has never said or done anything that should give me that emotional and/or mental message. In fact, everything He says and does says He wants me as His everything in good and bad times.

I just get in these moments of great fear of that if I can't give Him something or if I do something wrong that He will say, "okay you are not good enough - good-bye."

I would like to understand why I get that way.

Then there are other times….where you would think I would feel that way more, but I don't. There are times Master uses me, keeps His thumb over me tightly pushing me and I feel so clingy and dependent. I feel this overwhelming need of Him. That I need Him like I need air, but I always feel like I will be His forever in those moments. I feel that I am His everything.

It made me think of some lyrics in a Sade song:

I cherish the day
I won't go astray
I won't be afraid
You won't catch me running
You're ruling the way that I move
You take my air

This is the first relationship I have not felt like running. I have not felt like I am self-sabotaging it. I know that Master is the One that my soul has been searching for all my life. It is like there was this puzzle in me. And there were pieces floating all over the place some in place and others kind of sitting on the sides waiting….waiting for that key piece to be put in place. It was like there was something in me waiting just waiting for that right moment - for that right piece to fit in place. And now I have found that piece of the puzzle. It is Master. He has snapped things in place. I feel so much like I have found the thing I was searching for all my life - and it was a Master….my Master.

Okay not sure I am talking on just one topic…just going all over….but that is so me lol

I would really like anyone who knows out there is there something going on with the planets because I know A LOT of submissives going through bad times right now - they are restless, depressed, or just down - not able to being focus as clearly. I have been going up and down - I go from being very focused and then I will just start crying for no reason - and feel so tired.

The other day I just thought it was because Master and I were going through lots of serious discussions and so it was more of just being emotionally drained - but I am not sure now after reading so many journals lately that have been feeling similar.

Okay next thought…

It is kind of odd that the more I become a slave the more I feel I have come full circle. I mean there is more S&M play and sex, but the feelings of dependence and serving and pleasing - are closer to what I started with when I was married. So the more I become enslaved to Master the more vanilla my life seems almost. I can relate to - me - when I was I was first married many years ago. BTW this is not a bad thing to me.

Next…

Today was a good day with Master even though we have not anything accomplished that we wanted. But I think we had good quality time with each other - just being close together. I love being in Master arms. I feel safe and good. I feel that all just how it is to be forever….to be wrapped in Master arms and feel His strength, power and love. It is so good….

More on today….

There are moments all through the day that are active shows of His power and control. There is a subtle flowing through the day that show His power and control. There are moments of great force that come crashing into me and are intense moments of His power and control and one of those moments happened today….

Master grabbed my wrist when we were walking through a store today. When we got to the car in the parking lot He took me and pushed me into the car by using His fist in my hair to "guide" me. And when we got home He did the same thing pulling me out of the car by my hair. His fist tightly in my hair. He guided me forward through the house - harshly - powerfully - pushing me into the bedroom - pulling my panties down and taking me.

He took me I had no choice. I could have said no but it would not have meant anything to Him or to me. It is word that does not mean anything anymore. And in these moments where I am shown He can do anything to me - I find myself happy and contented. Instead of being freaked by my lack of control and say, I become more and more at peace in my enslavement and surrender to Master's desires…Master's will.