danae

Life Update & slave-enough?

I had a migraine for 4 days - Saturday and Sunday were really horrible. And then Monday and Tuesday it was a lighter, but still bothersome enough to slow me down enough where during my down time I just would sleep instead of working on websites or being online. I also have been spotting on and off. I am suppose to have my period, but it has not here yet. So not sure what is going on - sometimes I wonder if my migraine meds interferes with my period.

On Monday, Master's Mom had surgery. He needed to see her - so on Tuesday evening Master told me to pack for one night so that we could get over there. We spent Wednesday in the hospital with her and Master's family. She is doing great! And that helped Master - it put His mind at ease. He just needed to see for Himself that she was doing good. And she was doing better then He thought she might.

So we headed back home last night and got home close to midnight.

I have not been writing this week because of the migraines and the trip to Denver. But even though those things were going on - I probably still would not be writing much. I have been very depressed. And just down...

I am not feeling slave-enough....

There are a few women I know that make being a slave sounds so easy. To me they are...more slave. More slave then I can be as a slave. The only word that keeps coming to mind is "natural" - they are natural slaves to me. Their needs and wants are making their Master's needs and wants first. They seem to have few needs to me. Their only want is to serve their Master. And I envy them with everything in me. I wish it were like that for me.

I know it is hard for them at times. But they don't expect anything back. They don't expect anything but serving. And I don't expect really...or do I? I guess what happens with me is I just desire more. I want so much. And I don't demand or even really express those desires outloud to Master. I wait and hope that Master will want and desire those things He used to want and desire - as they are both the same - or were at least at one time they were the same.

At times I wish I could let go of those desires and wants. And parts of me do but what replaces those desires is sadness...emptiness.

For quite some time I have felt like a servant. I do the things to make Master's home comfortable and nice for Him. I clean, cook and am available for whatever He is needing....companionship, sex or whatever. But I feel very empty. I don't feel the "slave" feelings. I know I want it. I know I am His slave. But I don't have those slave feelings.

It bothers me. And it makes me feel like I am missing something.

Have you ever seen a book where it was censored and it had words, sentences or even paragraphs marked out with black marker? We know the words are there and we might even faintly be able to make out a few words but you really can't read it in full context. That is how I feel -parts of me are blacked out. I know it is there and at times I feel a few desires, but mostly it I have blocked out big chunks of myself so that I don't get false hopes up. So I don't expect anything. So I don't desire those things because they are not here.

And at the same time this what He wants…so I just try to deal.

I love Master. And I do want to be His slave. I never doubt that....that is what keeps me going.

On to next topic...

I caught a little of Iron Jawed Angels again the other day and this is a few lines from one scene in it...

Alice Paul is on a hunger strike. The District Commissioner sends in a Doctor to evaluation Alice Paul. They are talking about her sanity and if she suicidal.

Doctor: "Give me liberty or give me death" Patrick Henry an American Hero
The District Comissioner: apples and oranges
Doctor: In oranges and woman, courage is often mistaken for insanity.