Okay I am lagging totally behind on my question and answers...and I am sorry...
Only a few questions to go, so here the answer to the comment left about hearing more about number 6 on the plus 10 list...
6. I have dark fantasies
Warning before reading anymore know the rest contains degradation and humiliation.
This is from our website....plus I will add some things to the bottom. Again some of these things might not be dark to you but they are to me because they are not part of our/my normal SM play. All they are just little snippets that a lot of time have long fantasies around them make them more dark for me.
Dark desires are something I have had with me for as long as I can remember. Sometimes they were more tame then others - some I want to really do and others are just masturbational fodder - such as being kidnapped by someone and becoming his slave. It came from the bodice ripper/romance/harlequin novelettes. The dark desires grew to being treated like nothing by being hit with fists, forced and mind controlled. Becoming nothing - Nothing.
All the images - those taken from the romance novels and those that grew into the desire to be degraded - were all things I said I should not want. That they were wrong. But then one day - I found out that for me - wanting and desiring dark desires did not make me a bad person. They were not wrong for me. The images are dark, deep and scream of non-consensual acts, but in my soul I feel I need them so they are in essence consensual. And I don't feel bad for wanting them.
The dark desires for me resonate of humiliation and degradation. It is the wanting to surrender those core pieces of the emotional masochist in me. It is the part of me that wants to be used and abused - be treated like nothing. I only seem to feel that part of me during use, abuse and being treated like nothing....where I am humiliated and degraded. It is a very yummy feeling for me. I don't crave it as much as I used to, but I still have images that come to the surface.
Some of the things listed below I have done. Others are images I have never done and not sure I ever will as that is up to my Master.
Here are some snippets of images:
When I think of these things most of the time they go on for days and days...many of them linked together.
~~ Being pushed hard against a wall, slapped over and over again until you know the redness is going to be a bruise in the morning
~~ Wearing a shock collar and being shocked for doing something wrong but also for my Master's pure enjoyment of seeing the fear and pain in my eyes.
~~ Being held under water
~~ Being tied or bound in some way in the tub, rubber hood, blindfold, breathing tube and then covered in water
~~ Only allowed urine and cum to drink all day - and not allowed to eat food
~~ Fasting is a way of cleansing the soul in some religions and I have many fantasies about fasting for cleansing for the worship of my Master.
~~ Eating out of a dog dish 24/7 at home in private
~~ To have marks - bruises always
~~ Being beaten and having wounds, but not having them treated right away and locked in a cage or closet.
~~ Not being allowed clothing, not being allowed on the furniture, not being allowed to speak until spoken too - and the whole time told why it is this way because I am nothing, trash and not good enough to be doing those things.
~~ Having to use a bucket for a toilet because I am worthless - I am only good enough to use a bucket
~~ Have writing on me in permanent marker slut whore pig and such lots of the time
~~ Raped - hurt - crying - forced with Master and/or men he chooses or more then one man - doing a gang bang again
~~ Any type of breath play - strangulation, choking, smothering
~~ Forced to urinate on myself privately and publicly (such as being in Wal*Mart and forced to piss on myself and continue shopping and check out)
~~ Treated like a dog - made to eat out of a bowl...sleep in a cage...no talking shocked if do by shock collar
~~ I have fantasies about sex with a dog and several other fantasies around that topic, but not even going to get into those here.
~~ Being set up to fail
~~ Not being allowed into bed with my Master only if to give him pleasure and only if I earn time to be in his bed.
~~ Being yanked around by my long hair to be positioned to give a blowjob. And then having my long hair placed to cover my face and making me continue to work under that shroud, humiliated - not fit to meet Master's eyes.
~~ Being made to drink out of the toilet.
~~ Having my face shoved in the toilet and held there. Having my face held there and then fucked in the ass.
~~ Having my face shoved in there after He has urinated in there....drinking the piss-water.
~~ Being cut off from all outside contact of the world. Not knowing who is president or what is going on next door. Just being a slave is the only thing I know.
~~ Cigarettes...Used intentionally, with a couple of puffs between each touch, the lit end of a cigarette makes a nice, cruel way to leave one's initials on a girl's breasts for several weeks (and Master and I are not smokers)
~~ To be a good little ashtray and kneel there and push my breasts up for use
~~ Being told to stand, turn and bend over instead... and then stub it out squarely between those swollen wet lips of yours.
~~ To be pinned down and spread legs and cunt lips...carefully tease that clit out and so it is swollen. And then burned with a cigarette.
~~ Being punched over and over again like a punching bag
~~ Being kicked in the cunt. I have had this done a few times and the feeling is there for days. Sitting is difficult. People will write they feel a spanking days after each time they sit. I never feel that. Maybe for the first hour - that is MAYBE. But being kicked in the cunt I do feel for days afterwards.
~~ Having a hot rod or some type of wire that has been heated - pressed to my clit
~~ Being used as a footstool or made into some object - not a person just a piece of furniture. Something that is used but never thought of other then when used.
~~ Being tied up outside and left for a while - going to my abandonment fantasies.
~~ Being used - abused outside far away where I could not escape if I wanted - I guess that goes to those kidnapping fantasies I had a young girl.
~~ Being bound, hooded, gagged with earplugs to get that deep sensory deprivation thing going on
To add to those....
~~ Being given a black eye and busted lip by my Master
~~ Like wearing diapers....goes from just wearing them from a bit to longer...to having to urinate in public while in them. Now that is probably not a big deal but I guess I have that fear of leaking.
~~ I have lots of fantasies of having to pee on myself...especially in public. Such as urinating somewhere public and having to tell them I did it
~~ Being totally mind controlled -- they used to be favorite type of erotica that I read. Now I don't read erotica
~~ Wearing really slutty clothing and make up to like WalMart or wearing clothing I don't find umm attractive or nice
~~ Wearing very bland clothing - being veiled
~~ I have been in a gang bang before but think about doing it again
~~ Plastic bag over head - taped around neck
~~ My pussy sewn up
~~ Forced lactating fantasies
~~ Being fisted not necessarily dark but just one of those things I want to experience sometime
Well the list can go on and on of just little snippets but I don't think the full scale of them really come out until I spell out all the fantasies but I am terrible at that....so this is all there will be here.
But I do wonder why...is why...I have them. I accept I do but at times I still wonder why I have these kind of humiliating fantasies.
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