Positive Monday

5 Positives in my life...
1. Mail love from my girlie today! Thank you nuala. I love it all!
2. Seeing a light at the end of the tunnel on one of my projects!
3. That Master is at home from his trip - I missed him!
4. Oatmeal/apple pancakes that we have for brunch today yummy!
5. For entertainment....movies, music, books, friends...and so much more...they are all so good and fun!

From Memoirs of a Geisha

Mameha to Sayuri: We don't become Geisha to pursue our own destinies. We become Geisha because we have no choice.

Beta Blogger....?

Okay so I am behind the times and just found out about the beta blogger today moments ago....

Does anyone know if eventually we will be able to convert our current blogs into the beta blogger?

Because tags...well tags would rock my world! LOL I know I am easy! Really so far of the beta features that is the only one that really caught my attention but I haven't researched it enough yet.


Edit: wow found lots of features I like. One being something I like about Livejournal. You can restrict access to post to only those you allow. I post pictures and such at Livejournal but I don't here because I don't want the whole world to see them and someone to just stumble upon them. So having that feature would on blogger would be very cool to me.

Next you can create lists...like your favorite book list or what you are listening too with easy insert.

Also those who don't know html or css - the changing the style is very easy.

Voice Post

Phone post over at Livejournal.

Good Night....

It is 6:50am I haven't been to sleep yet. I went to bed about 2am and I couldn't get to sleep so about 4:45am I got back up. I have summer time skin allergies and they have seemed to spike up recently so my skin was really itchy. I couldn't get comfortable so I got up and started taking all the those little 10 cent pencil storage boxes we bought and organized my art supplies in my studio. I even got the label maker out and labeled them!

While I was lying in bed trying to get to sleep tonight, I remembered a movie that I had totally forgot about....Summer Lovers. I remember watching as a teen and just fascinated by it. It is about 2 young lovers who go to Greece for the summer. They meet a girl and all 3 of them become involved. I saw it on late night Showtime as a teen and I am sure if my parents had known I was watching it they would have been really upset and telling me how wrong it was or whatnot. But I was mesmerized by it. I remember trying to find it and watch it every time it came on and I do remember watching it more then once. I loved how they were with each other. I am sure years later the actually movie and acting would probably get to me. But the scenery is gorgeous.

Years later after I was married, my husband and I were in Blockbuster and I came across it and remembered how it made me feel watching it as a teen. And so rented and we watched it and although Jim I know liked the thought of 2 girls together (with him) but to him it was just a fantasy not something people actually "should do."

Maybe I should netflix it and see what I think of it today - so many years later.

Anyway, kind of a weird little side note there - but popped into my mind tonight/this morning.

Question 8 - to the ask me ANYTHING post

From my Ask me ANYTHING post: If you could give one piece of advice to new D/s couples what would that be?

Only one?

Really that main thing that comes to mind is...that just because you are now doing a form of BDSM - the vanilla things are not suddenly transformed into something more...more exciting, titillating, erotic, sexy and so on. Paying the bills is just paying the bills. Washing the dishes is just washing the dishes.

So my advice would be not to expect reality to change into a wonderful fantasy we read about in smut. Yes we all go through that honeymoon period where all seems to be transformed, but life does intervene and it is OKAY. It doesn't mean that you are suddenly vanilla just because you do vanilla things.

Just keep the foundation in mind which reminds me of something I wrote for a workshop Master and I did at SMARTfest.

This is part 4 of 4 (Link to other all 4 parts - remember this was a speech made into essays so might read like talking to an audience and that is because we were)

A guide to a living a D/s or M/s relationship within Reality:

1) Be honest

Be honest about your wants, needs, things that are grating on your nerves, little pieces of information about your partners that drive you nuts. Be honest how you feel and what you are thinking. Be respectful to each other when expressing all these honest feelings. This goes for both dominant and submissive.

2) Take things at one's own pace and moving forward only when it feels right.

You don't need to speed through things. If you have faith in your goals and foundation then you will get there when it is right. And just because you are going slow does not mean you are not in an D/s or M/s relationship.

3) Have great sex and great SM in your relationship.

We hope you all know how to do this one. If you are not having great sex and great SM, figure out why not and fix it. If it is just not enough time - make time. If it means putting off the laundry for an hour or taking a quickie at lunch while kids are at school then MAKE it happen! (That is if your relationship involves sex and SM)

4) Do not compromise the basic structure and dynamic.

This one - to us - is big for keeping things set in reality. We are sons/daughters, friends, fathers/mothers, husbands/wives, employees and we can still have our D/s dynamic and be all those things. We don't have to say, "oh now I am vanilla and now I am doing D/s." Don't let the activities you do - such as protocols or SM - rule your dynamic. Let the foundation rule your dynamic. If you make D/s a part of your foundation and don't compromise that dynamic then you can keep your D/s set in reality.

5) Have a common commitment to the relationship.

This is what makes D/s and M/s relationships work. If you and your Dominant/submissive are striving towards the same goal with the same intensity, faith and degree of commitment, then you will make it work within reality.

One last thing again...The goal in creating a solid foundation is combining the dominance and submission - intertwining them to make it your lifestyle...your life. It should be woven together so that your daily life can be seen as a D/s or M/s dynamic to you even in the most vanilla of situations. But also don't complicate things by separating aspects and activities in your life as D/s or vanilla. Don't let the activities you do define your relationship. Make your dynamic your life.

Poly Quiz

Flaming Polyamorist Congratulations! You scored 87% Polyamorous!

You are probably too poly for your own good! It sounds like you try to deal fairly and honestly in all your relationships and communication is a high priority with you! If you didn't cheat on this test, then you probably wouldn't cheat in real life! You, however, are a dyed in the rainbow colors of the parrot poly! So go stick your parrot sticker on your car, if you have one, and be proud!

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on Polyamory

Link: The Are you Polyamorous Test written by dieppe on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

WARNING: Emo!

So every time I sat here to write an entry today....I just sat here. Yet I have lots rolling around my brain but it's not coming out - some of it also feels like it shouldn't. Then tonight I actually had some time to do art but I couldn't...I organized. I sat and looked at the piece before. I knew what I wanted to do but was just frozen - scared to start again. It is always like this when I go so long in between creating.

The last few week I have felt extremely emotional and I am not even pmsing. I feel sad, overwhelmed, angry at the world, and frankly not very happy or good. I feel at odds with myself. I feel lost. I feel like maybe I am not me. I have no desire for almost anything. I don't feel particularly slave-like these days. I don't feel artist-like. I think of my family and want to call but no desire to call at the same time. I have lots of cards and packages here for friends that I want to send and at the same time I just look at them and feel not now...no energy. And now several presents will be late.

I looked at bunches of SM porn the other night and my body reacted. I got really wet. But I cried. I cried that I didn't feel anything looking at them. I was sorting through them and really it was almost obliviously to me that they were naked, gagged and tied up. It didn't register emotionally for me that these are things that usually turn me and so I didn't get that arousal emotionally - I didn't feel all the things I usually feel when I start getting turned on. I only reacted physically. And so that made me cry.

So I just keep doing work and going from moment to moment. And I feel emotional and empty at the same time.

And really it is all because of what the work is doing to me. I am not used to it and maybe I will get used to it.

On to a life update so that I don't make you suffer through the emo....

Last Friday I screwed up and so work stuff has still actually been screwed up all week. My client the week before she wants her site live goes out of town with no way to reach her. So this week has been kind of the waiting game and also starting the next projects.

Nothing else really going on beside work.

Music...

Okay so I was talking one friend on how behind in what is in for music. And then another friend posted this link and now I am HOOKED! Oh I want them....take that as you will! :) ok go. And look at the video on the left side - it is so good!

Running Down the Road of Life..

I haven't done a life update in a long while.....

Things here are busy. Master started doing his business full time August 1 and so has been at home with me everyday. It has been wonderful actually. It has been nice to just be able to go run errands in the middle of the day instead of waiting until a weekend or over his lunch hour. We can now just go whenever we want. He has been sleeping in a little and letting me sleep in longer too. It has just been very nice.

I haven't been able to do any art in over a month and it is really getting me down. I am crying a lot lately and I know it because I just feel unbalanced without it. Master does know this but there is really not anything he can do about it at this time as we both are so busy that it is go go go constantly at the moment. And I am not complaining that we are busy. Busy when from day one of your own business is a VERY GOOD thing!

Something I am currently though trying hard to work through is that I don't feel resentment towards the business for taking me away from my passion. And I understand all the reasons to do the website work. But I am missing my art so much too. I hope to eventually come to a balance.

I was hoping I would have a little time to create today but then the things I have been waiting for on my client came in last night so I am back to work on her website as she goes live in 12 days. Ouch! I hate saying that out loud!

I am having all sorts of body image issues recently. I have them a lot but they are really getting to me lately. We had lots of photos taken when Master's parents were here for the weekend of his party. And after seeing them...I cried literally. I look horrid in them. So I am trying to find the courage to keep to eating more healthy. Of course being stressed makes me want to what....EAT!

In other news..watching Tipping the Velvet yesterday made ache with desires. Now add in kaya's post this morning and damn I see several breaks to masturbate today. (kaya's post reminded me of Morgan in many ways.)

I have 2 other posts started one on Daddy/little girl relationship and the other another extension of the post I made last night about my past with MC - who early on in my blogspot was called M. But I sometimes refer to Master as M since makes sense for Master and Michael. So changing M of my past to MC.

Old Journal Entries....

Just a few little pieces...these were before I was with Master...

"I look at the bruises on my breasts right now and don't like the way they look for some reason...and yet I want more. I want to suffer for him. I want to see him satisfied in making me suffer...and that need grows. I don't want pain for pain sake. I don't want pain for pleasure. I want pain to suffer for him.....he was harsh on me with the implements and he said things to me to bring me to that nothing state. I was dripping wet. But mentally I was not turned on like I usually am...maybe I was but not in the state that is recognizable or familiar to me."

The person I am talking about in these posts...was extremely sadistic. I think of the times with him and I have shivers of fear run through me. And at the same time I get wet and feel those urges...from the deep dark just push their way up a bit.

More words about him from my journals...

"My cunt is swollen from the kicking and punching yesterday. I feel it throb and what am I thinking of? Him...his cock...wanting to suck it and want to feel it rub over my face. I want to suck on it slowly...just enjoying him. But that won't happen because I want it.

My cunt had been throbbing last week with need to be touched and fucked...and now...he showed me what real throbbing is like...it hurts today. It hurts to close my legs all way together. The thought of putting a vibrator and masturbating right now is one of the last things I would want to do as the pain would be to much.

He asked me why I get so wet...he used a few more descriptive degrading words in that question. And really I don't think I have ever gotten so wet with anyone. I mean I got in the car yesterday and I felt the moistness just seep out between my labia lips so by the time we were alone...at his place I as soaking. If someone had been with us in the room they could have smelled how turned on I was because he did....he told me I smelled like a whore.

I wanted to beg him to do exactly what he did...yesterday....again. I wanted to him to hurt me. I wanted to feel my cunt throb. I wanted him to show me who I am...under that darkness...I want him to show me who I am just like he did. I wanted to beg him so he knew how much I wanted what he does to me. I needed him to do what he did. And yet I fought it while he did it although I craved it.

I crave and want to beg for the things he does to me....the things that make me suffer, cry, leave me batter and broken, leave me stripped to the very core - naked and looking at all the things I never thought I would see again. He sees it all and still wants to hurt me and make me suffer. That makes me feel warm."

Quote...

I reread this passage several times today....I relate to it in many ways. It is in regards to a character in the book, Mikhail, is saying the more you tell your own life story...the more you become free of the past. And this is a quote about it.

"It's not my story anymore: whenever I speak about the past now, I feel as if I were talking about something that has nothing to do with me. All that remains in the present are the voice, the presence, and the importance of fulfilling my mission. I don't regret difficulties I experienced; I think they helped me to become the person I am today, I feel the way a warrior must feel after years of training; he doesn't remember the details of everything he learned, but he knows how to strike when the time is right." ~ from The Zahir by Paulo Coelho.

Photos....

Okay this is a RARE ocassion...

I made a post over on livejournal public. It is a post with several pictures....some Princess stuff Daddy bought me, dinner last night, and a picture of me.

I will make this post locked in a few days to week. So if you want to go take a look...do it fast!

Video...

Have you seen Kelly's Shoes? (a you tube link) I know several people on my friend's list will find it as good as I do. :)

About Truth and Lies

I did a meme on August 3 called Truth and Lies....there were 5 lies and one truth and people were to guess the truth.

Here is the one truth and the 5 lies:
1. I don't like nuts.
2. I once had a frog named George.
3. I was caught skinny dipping at church camp.
4. I have a teddy bear named Fitz.
5. I visited Italy in 2001.
6. I love to have my feet massaged.


Number 4 is the truth. I do have a teddy bear named Fitz.

1. I don't like nuts.

I do really like nuts. Master doesn't like nuts in things, but will eat them on their own. Because of that I only have pecan pie and brownies or chocolate chip cookies with walnuts in them when others have made them and gave them to us.

2. I once had a frog named George.

I didn't have frog named George but I didn't have a goldfish named George. I am a girly girl when it comes to frogs...ewww!

3. I was caught skinny dipping at church camp.

I wasn't caught skinny dipping at church camp but I did many "promiscuous" things at church camp - nude sunbathing on top of a mountain, making out with boys, sneaking out of my cabin and so on. I never was caught but I know that counselors suspected.

I actually have never went skinny dipping....well I have swam nude but that is because we went in with our swimsuits on and came out without them so does that count as skinny dipping? :)

When my ex-husband and I were dating in highschool his parent's home had a swimpool. They went out of town one for something and so while out of town we went for summer late night swim...well...it ended up being more then a swim. String bikinis come off very easily!

4. I have a teddy bear named Fitz.

The truth as I said above. Daddy bought me Fitz. Fitz is a very worn and loved teddy bear.

5. I visited Italy in 2001.

I didn't visit Italy but visited Germany in 2001.

6. I love to have my feet massaged.

I hate having my feet touched so I don't like having my feet massaged.

Positive Monday

5 Positive Things in my life...
1. Master and I can run errands anytime of the day now that he is working from home.
2. Got lots of work accomplished this weekend and client is happy.
3. Watched the movie Serendipity tonight and it made me smile from good memories of Master and I watching that early on in our relationship.
4. Lots accomplished today despite being so tired.
5. I might actually be able to crave some art time out this week.

Question 7 - to the ask me ANYTHING post

From my Ask me ANYTHING post : Are you married to your Master? Do you have kids?

No, we aren't married. And we don't have kids. I can't have kids. I sometimes get sad and wish I could have children. But really kids would not work with our lifestyle. And I don't mean the M/s - I mean just how we live - very independent and especially now with Master owning his own business. Also Master doesn't want kids.

Question 6 - to the ask me ANYTHING post

Please feel free to still ask me anything - I have a few more left but am always open to answer more questions. The comments are screened and you are able to ask anonymously too.

From my Ask me ANYTHING post : How do find the time to do everything?

Short answer: I don't.

Long answer: It might seem that I am able to do everything but lots of things get missed or I fall short on. Things that help me accomplish what I do get done is lists, loose or more structured schedules depending on what is going on and just taking one task at time and getting it done and moving to the next. Really I am a procrastinator at heart. And I work better under pressure although I HATE that I do. Right now I have a deadline coming up and I just started this project this weekend and I worked got some very good solid work done because I know it has to be done.

Examples of not getting everything done - I have not had time to sit down and create any art for over a month. I have several unfinished projects sitting on the table behind me that I am aching to get done but there are not enough hours in the day for everything.

Add in migraines and having the flu this past week and I am now behind a little bit on housework things.

So I don't have time to do everything I want or even need to at times.

Questions of the Day... (part 2)

...from Hellbent Queers

You have been stranded on a deserted island....there is no one on the island with you. After several years of being alone, how have you dealt with your bdsm related desires/urges? Did you create a dominant/submissive from a coconut, a la Tom Hanks in Castaway? Did you not experience any of those urges/desires because you had nothing to stimulate them? Did you engage in cutting or self stimulating activities? Did you spend your days whittling palm fronds into canes? Tell me, would being isolated cause you to act any differently (ie. less dominant or less submissive)?

BDSM urges probably just die down. Not disappear but fade to the background. I don't see myself creating a dominant from a coconut. I do think because there isn't an outlet for those urges that they just go to the background. I don't see myself cutting but maybe finding other stimulation. LOL on whittling palm fronds into canes...sure! I don't see myself acting differently but there wouldn't that dominant person to compel/inspire me to submit so my submissive aspects of my personality probably wouldn't be noticeable especially since no one is around

Do you feel that being dominant or being submissive is part of your nature? Is this learned behavior? What makes one person dominant and the other submissive?

I do feel it is part of my nature. But I don't feel it is always on the surface. I am not submissive to everyone. I also think it can be learned.

What are three things that you would include in every scene?

Master's hands, voice, breath play if I could have it

Do you have scene name? If so, why and what is it (if you want to share)? Have you had problems with your privacy being invaded or threatened? Do you feel like they are a necessary part of the leather community?

I do go by danae and it is not my real name as my real name is very unusual. I used to go by it but when I became Master's he has a job that would hurt him if he was outed so I used my email/blog nick name

I have heard a lot of Tops/Dominants talk about their "dark side". Is there such a thing? What does it mean to you? Tops, are you afraid of "going there" or have you "gone there?" Bottoms, have you ever been there with a top or are afraid of going there?

been there with several dominants and enjoyed it always.

What does being a good submissive/bottom mean to you?

Following Master's orders, being respectful and pleasing. Those are the basics to me - if I do those things all the other fall in behind.

Is sexual tension necessary in a bdsm relationship?

no sex is not necessary for our dynamic to function so sexual tension is not needed.

What does a collar mean to you? What different types of collars are you aware of? Have you been collared or collared someone?

I am collared. It means I am owned. Master didn't ask me or have me beg. He just collared me one night...no words...just him putting a chain around my neck - padlocking it and claiming me as his. It means a lot to me that he did it that way and it is something I know I will cherish forever

What is the craziest, wildest, zaniest most creative thing your dominant has had you do or done to you that is bdsm/leather related? If you are a dominant what have you had your submissive do or done to them?

I have done lots of wonderful things but cattle prod for me was the "wildest" thing that I have had done to me. Not sure wild, crazy or zany are the words for it though...maybe scary and painful!

Is there a piece of equipment you prefer to restrain your submissive to? Andrew's cross? spanking bench? Why? or Is there a piece of equipment you prefer to be restrained to and why? or do you prefer not be restrained at all?

There was this piece of equipment at an event years ago that was great. And it was a mix between a chair (split legs so that you sat with your legs wide open) and st. andrews cross. You could sit on it forward or backward and all bits were accessible.

Question 5 - to the ask me ANYTHING post

From my Ask me ANYTHING post: "On your July 8th entry in your blog titled 'Here is where I am...', you had written that it was hard for both you and your Master when you were separated by distance, and that you had a lot of issues such as insecurity due to past baggage. I am just wondering, how did you get over those issues, and what helped you get over them?"

Really for me was slowing down and examining that it was my baggage...being aware that it was my past baggage. I would at times remind myself internally and outloud at times that it was my issues and baggage and had nothing to do with Master. I looked at the issues and just tried to work through them...taking part in my responsibility in those issues. I also just looked at the man Master is....how he had been there for me countless times, showing where he had helped me overcome issues, showing where he had comfort and supported me and that he is not my past.

It sounds all so easy when listing it like that but really it wasn't....it was a lot of just as I said being aware, working through the issues and reminding myself over and over again that Master is not my past.

(I hope that answered the question....and sorry it took so long to get to it!)

Questions of the Day... (part 1)

...from Hellbent Queers

Annissa and I were on the same wave length as I had been working on these today too...and noticed she posted some earlier.


You have just been appointed Dungeon Monitor. What is the first official rule that you would put into place?

cleaning - although it is a rule everywhere I have been you still see people not clean.

Gimme Three: Tell me the three favorite parts of the body on which you like to inflict/receive pain.

To receive pain: my ass, my back, my breasts
And for this one at this moment....I am going to do to give because I am in a sadistic mood: cunt, butt, inner thighs


What is your definition of a mind fuck? Do you use/enjoy them? What are some examples of mind fucks that have been used on you or by you?

definition....fucking with the mind. Yes I do enjoy them very much. I am not sure I can even state examples because by the time they are done I am usually turned upside down and backwards.


Thuddy or stingy??

hmm it used to be stingy and no thuddy but I think it is both now.


Topping from the bottom: What is it? Do you do it? Do you tolerate it? Is it ever acceptable?

It is the submissive trying to control or manipulate their dominant or the situation. I try hard not to do that and be aware of my motivations. Master does not tolerate it. And it is never acceptable.

What are your basic expectations of your submissive/bottom? What are your basic expectations of your Top/Dominant? How do you feel they differ from vanilla relationship expectations? Do your expectations vary depending on your partner?

Expectations...I suppose that I have them but for me I suppose they are just here instead of expecting them - they just are a part of our relationship: communication, commitment to the relationship, compatibility, enjoying our time together such as having laughter in the relationship, honesty, and some sense of caring.

I don't really think they differ from vanilla relationships. But I can see it differing due to situations.


Begging and crying...the stuff dreams are made of or just a nightmare? Do you like it when your bottom is begging and crying or do you prefer silence? As a bottom, is begging and crying a good experience? What are your favorite ways to get your bottom to beg and/or cry? or for you to be made to beg and cry?

I know that Master likes begging and crying at times...it just depends on the situation. And for myself - I really don't like to beg. But crying is an emotional release. My favorite way to made to cry is anything just painful and intense. And well I just don't really like begging so I can't say I have a favorite way but if I have to beg - I prefer it to be sexual in nature.

An evil sorcerer has cast a spell on all the members of hellbent_queers (I have got to stop playing rpg's). You have been forced to switch from the identity you are most comfortable with (Tops have become bottoms, bottoms have become Tops, Dominants have become submissive, submissives have become dominant, etc) What is the most difficult part of this switch for you? Why?

for this situation being in control. I don't mind being in control in some situations but not in a D/s type of dynamic.

Meme...Truth and Lies

Write a blog entry with five complete lies about yourself. That is, five things about you that are completely not true. Not even slightly. THEN hide in a 6th line, something that is absolutely TRUE and the first person to guess which one is true wins :) then tag up to five people you want to turn into compulsive liars too. Play if you want!

1. I don't like nuts.
2. I once had a frog named George.
3. I was caught skinny dipping at church camp.
4. I have a teddy bear named Fitz.
5. I visited Italy in 2001.
6. I love to have my feet massaged.

Question 4 - to the ask me ANYTHING post

From my Ask me ANYTHING post: who is your biggest crush at the moment and why?

My crush is on C. She is a lovely, smart, funny, sexy, pretty woman. C and I met on a "vanilla" livejournal community. She asked to friend me and I was wondering why at first as most people who friend me are in the lifestyle. But looking at her list of interests and knowing her from the community she and I felt we had lots in common - cooking, migraine (unfortunately), tea, arts and crafts, fandom (alias and firefly), art, baking, quotes, journaling, similar outlooks on life, and PURPLE! She is an excellent writer. She is a GREAT Mom. She is a wonderful wife to her husband. She has been totally accepting and understanding of my lifestyle. And in the process of getting to know each other through our journals, emails and snail mail - I have come to count her as a good friend.

She has been a fantastic friend and so I often go through the day wishing I lived near her. I know we would have a wonderful time spending time in the kitchen cooking together, laughing together and just being there for each other...in good times and bad.

It was a few months ago I started having very erotic dreams about her. And so the crush developed as the dreams were very passionate. Long, deep kisses....my hands slipping over her body...

Well I think you get the picture.

Yes...I am alive....

We had a very long weekend. I hope to do a real post tomorrow. I am just glad that our guests finally left today as it was very draining having them here. I feel like I could crawl into a little spot and sleep for about 5 days. But I don't have time as the next project is coming due. I have to kick ass on it this week or I might not met the deadline.