guilt by sickness

So...

stomach flu
migraine - day 2
+ period (yes tmi but I started the same day as the flu)
equals lots of fun for me!

Really the stomach flu is almost gone...the body aches today are much better. Still on and off queasy. Still feverish on and off too. But over all today I am more focus then I have been as I am not so tired/rundown.

Saturday...

Master had to do a lot more then he normally has to....and of course that lead me to the BIG BIG BIG GUILT. I laid there just throwing up for the millionth time (I know not the million but by that time you know it feels like it). Anyway, he is still on crutches. He is able to put more weight on his leg but he is not walking fully without the crutches yet. Friday we had both agreed to take a veg day. So I didn't do much around here....just a little unpacking and some bare necessities. Saturday I started in on the big cleaning as we have been gone for almost 3 weeks and Master's parents were suppose to be here today (postponed due to me being sick). In my cleaning, I hadn't gotten far before getting sick so I hadn't got to the kitchen yet. There was a fairly large stack of dirty dishes in the sink so Master had to unload the clean dishes, load the dirty and then make dinner for himself. Now, if you have read my journal for any amount of time you know I cook. And when I cook I don't open a box of hamburger helper or can of spaghetti-o's and call it good. Master can cook but after putting a lot more weight on his knee he needed something quick and easy. Of course that is not what we have in this house because I cook. Luckily he did find something but while he did all this...I could hear him ache in pain. He was pushing too much.

Oh which reminds me - he had already pushed early in the day 2 times because he went to Lowe's by himself and crutched it through Lowe's to get what we needed and then came home and started on the next project. Breaking the cage down even further as Master's Dad would be where we store/hide it when company comes. And we needed it unrecognizable. So he had pushed already earlier in the day.

He was in pain doing dishes and making his dinner. So thus BIG BIG GUILT! I was feeling horribly guilty which lead to big ball of messy irrational thoughts. I didn't like feeling guilty so then I started to think Master was mad at me for being sick. Now of course that is insane. He didn't like that his girl was in pain and throwing up. He didn't like that he wasn't able to help me more (in past he has held my hair back when I was sick and wiped my face with a cool cloth and he really couldn't do much of that because of crutching it still.)

So here is how it went....those thoughts of Master being mad at me upset me more which lead to more guilt...which lead to he was goign to get rid of me because the kitchen wasn't clean...which lead me to anger that he would do that...that lead me *cringe* think of all I do around here (because I was feeling guilty about not being able to do anything - trying to make *myself* feel better by "proving" that I do things) of course...which lead me to then HUGE HUGE guilt...and more guilt and more guilt to the point of tears.

Of course....all of it was silly to start in the first place...Master doesn't like that I am sick. He is pushing. And I am doing the best I can while sick. We both are trying our best to just not go too far. He has been happy I am here to take of him while his knee has been out...he was happy he was here to help while sick. We both are sad we can't do more for each other during this time. We both do things in this relationship and we both have responsibilities even when sick we do our best that we can...end of story. So end of guilt cycle and irrational thoughts!

Next thoughts were...damn it would be nice to be poly! And yes someone did come to mind. But even if Master claimed her he would never let her give up her goals.