New Take on Sex Ed

Okay I am a little behind the times....but I watched all the episodes tonight and they are great....Midwest Teen Sex Show.

Blogging for Choice

Today is Blogging for Choice.

Voting pro-choice is personal to me because the right to chose is a personal decision and the personal ends up political. I am not pro-abortion...really I can't think of anyone that is pro-abortion. No woman goes "someday I would like an abortion." I am not anti-baby either. I am absolutely pro-choice. But my life and my situations are totally different then the next persons. So who am I to make such a big decision for any other girl or woman, whose life and situation I know nothing about? I just can't ethically do that so I am pro-choice and vote for someone who is pro-choice.

As I said above it is personal to me. And I don't think I have ever shared this story in print on the web or even with that many people. I know I have mentioned that I had an abortion when I was 18 but just never gone into details. My ex-husband and I were in high school so basically lustful teenagers. And we practiced safe sex but the condom broke. It is odd for me because right away after we realized the condom broke I knew I was going to get pregnant. I just had this feeling and I broke down hysterical. Jim kept telling me it is a long shot. And can still remember looking in his eyes and crying and saying I hoped he was right but that my gut was telling me otherwise. This is long before the days of the morning after pill. So I waited until my period was suppose to show up -- just about 2 weeks later-- I think a little under 2 weeks. And it didn't. During high school I could predict my period down to time of the day - 2pm. And so the next day I went and bought a pregnancy test at a drug store in another section of town just so I wouldn't run into anyone I might know.

We had one bathroom in our house at the time so I knew I would have problems finding time to do the test. Four girls in the house meant walking in on others was a fact of life not about manners. One night I set my alarm for 2am knowing I could have the bathroom to myself. We had a linen closet in the bathroom. In the bottom of the closet was a bucket of cleaning supplies so after I urinated on the stick I put it and the box behind the bucket. Yes odd detail but this that is so clear in my mind....bending over to put the tester and box behind the bucket. I then waited. I knew if I were in the bathroom too long my Mom would wake up thinking I was sick. Their bedroom was right next to the bathroom. So I left it there and came back to find it indicating I was pregnant. When extreme trauma or stress enters my life, I go on auto-pilot. I think many people do to cope. I do what I need to get through the day. And most of the time people don't even know that anything is wrong with me. I still do that at times -- but I am more open with my feelings now.

I could hear my Mom's words echoing in my head -- of not getting pregnant young like she did. My Mom and Dad got married because my Mom got pregnant with me. She was 16 and my Dad was 18. Growing up all of us girls heard over and over -- about not ruining your life and opportunities by getting pregnant young. So here I am 18 and pregnant.

I didn't know what my parents would say. Jim was the only one that I had been discussing it with as both my best friends I knew they were against abortion and frankly abortion is the first thing that came to my mind. Jim wanted to marry me and have the baby. He was 17 at the time. Right before offering to marry me he did tell me ultimately it was up to me as it was my body that would have to go through the pregnancy. He did make it clear though his preference would be to marry me and raise our child together. But right away the thought that I would be a horrible mother sprung up. I was too young. My depression and my migraines even then play a huge factor into all my decisions. I knew I loved Jim but I thought that this would ultimately tear us apart because I felt one day I would feel like he made me marry him because of the baby. Add in I didn't want to become like my Mom did with me. I grew up thinking I was this horrible mistake that took her life away from her. And I didn't want to subject a child to that baggage. I thought of all the things Jim and I said we wanted and knew it wouldn't come about if we got married that young.

Jim is incredibly smart....one of those people that doesn't even need to crack a book but knows the answer. And so he needed to go to college...and having a baby meant he would have to work full-time. (I know better now that his parents would have paid for his college and our main bills to get him through college. They would have wanted him and us to have a better life and knew college was the way to get that. But at the time I didn't know that -- only been dating him 3 months at that point - known each other a year but didn't know his parents well at all.)

So abortion was what came to mind for me right away. I called and found out about them and how much it would cost. Because I was 18...I didn't need parent signature or anything. So my plan was for it to be just Jim and I going there. He supported me but he was upset. He cried but told me he understood and could see all my reasons.

I did something unfair then - that I do wish I wouldn't have done.....I told him he could not to tell his parents. I was so scared his parents would forbid him from seeing me because I wanted an abortion. But I told my parents and that is what I think was unfair that I got to tell my parents and he didn't. Actually my Mom guessed. About 2or 3 days after doing the home pregnancy test - we had for our Family Planning class a guest lecturer and I can't remember if it was planned parenthood or not....probably not as they pushed adoption more then any other option. I remember walking out of the class and then running to the bathroom....to get sick. Jim was waiting for me as he had a free period before that class and always waited for me. So he waited...I came out of the bathroom very pale and teary. We went to one of the stair wells to be alone. I broke down crying. I couldn't even get out what had happened right away. But eventually did and I could tell he was upset too but he tried to be strong for me. I came home my Mom asked me what was wrong because my eyes were puffy. I was really good at lying to my parents about where I was going to be (ie: a party) or my grades but emotional things...we didn't talk about emotions very often so when we did it was hard to know what to do. So when she asked me I didn't know what to say....and I told a version of the truth. I told her we had a guest lecturer at school that upset me. I also had been getting morning sickness - all through out the day -- pretty much right away so I was getting sick quite a bit. And I tried to hide it but again --- one bathroom makes it hard to hide that kind of thing.

And so she noticed me being sick. She asked me about the lecture what it was about and I said I really didn't want to talk about - that it was no big deal. Well my Mom worked at the school so she found out. For 2 to 3 days after she tried to get me to tell her I was pregnant without coming out and telling me she thought I was...she wanted to be the good Mom and let me come when I was ready. But at the same time she dropped all sort of hints that I could talk to her about it..like she talked about things that went through her mind when she found out she was pregnant. I told Jim...my Mom knows. And he said there was no way that was possible. But I knew that she knew. So I finally asked her if she knew. And she told me she was waiting for me to come to her....she said she didn't want to pressure me. She asked if I knew for sure....and I told her about the test. She told me those aren't 100% right so called and made me an appointment with our regular family doctor. She was GREAT really...really great. She didn't tell me how disappointed she was or anything. She just told me that she understood what I was feeling and struggling with and it was totally up to me what I wanted to do. My Dad....not so great. It was obviously upsetting my Mom behind the scene...she was being strong for me but breaking down with my Dad so my Dad hates when my Mom is upset so he takes it out on us girls. And so I was the one causing the problems -- so I was the problem and got it taken out on and yelled at that I was so stupid and so on and so forth everything you shouldn't say to your 18 year old daughter who is pregnant and struggling -- he said. He has done the same thing at other crucial times in my life.

But as I said my Mom was great. She went to our doctor with me. The doctor confirmed I was pregnant and supported my decision completely about wanting an abortion. He even found out that our insurance would pay for it because really it was a D&C because I was only 6 weeks along. He made me the appointment at the clinic.

It was decided my Mom would go with me to the clinic. I needed a blood test before the appointment -- to find out what my blood type was but they didn't tell me that until the day they called and confirmed the appointment the day before. So I had to fast and go to do the blood test in the morning and then go the appointment. So I have this little card that has my blood type on it -- and the date. It is a card I carried in my wallet for years and years. I hardly ever pulled it out really didn't even notice the date on it until I found it this past year going through some stuff as I don't carry a wallet. And I noticed the date on it and realized that was the same day as my abortion. So I had my abortion April 11, 1986.

Again my Mom was great through the whole thing. She got teary with me but she was so supportive and understanding. Jim really had a hard time handling it. I did the best I could to help him but really I should have let him tell his parents -- that was so unfair of me. He did end up telling his parents 4 months later. And they were angry with me for not wanting him to tell them. But over all they were fine with me having an abortion. Jim had problems with it later -- after we were married. And he often used it as a way to hurt me -- when we decided to try to get pregnant and I was having problems -- physical problems -- he told me that I screwed up our chance. He told me often that if he had his way we would have had a child already. And so on and so forth.

I know still now after even going through the aftermath of his feelings, that the abortion was the right choice for us. Even after knowing I can't have kids, I know I made the right choice. Choice....it was a choice. And I believe fully in having the choice.

Someone very close to me 6 years after my abortion called me late at night....she had been raped. She was drug across a gravel parking lot, beaten and raped. She got a STD from the rapist and also got pregnant. She called me and I cried with her. And supported her in her decision to get an abortion. It was her life and her situation and her choice.

I am glad she had the choice. I am glad I had the choice. As I said in the start of the post -- how could I tell some girl or woman that they don't have a choice of what to do....it is their life and their own situation. It is a personal choice that no one should have the right to tell another what to do.

So I am pro-choice and vote pro-choice.

Positive Monday

I haven't done a Positive Monday in a while so...

5 Good Things in my Life...

1. New warm pj bottoms that keep me warm that I got a Kohl's on clearance!
2. Making a friend happy by being able to send a friend something I had just sitting around...that she has wanted and will use.
3. The library having a website to order books online and they will have waiting for me! Easy pick up - especially since I never seem to find things where they are suppose to be in our library. I am anxiously awaiting Eat, Pray, Love and the 2nd book to the Twilight series!
4. For Godiva Chocolate -- Sao Tome Dark Chocolate with Cocoa Nibs - oh yums!
5. Master always seeming to know what to do when I am struggling.

Eternity Collar

Do you have one? Like it? The sizing...did you get it a size bigger then your neck? Is it comfortable to sleep in? Wear everyday? Allergy issues? Where did you get it? Anything else you would think someone should know before buying one?

Master is really interested in one for me. But we are a little worried about allergy issues and sizing to make it comfortable for wearing 24/7.

These are the 2 places he has looked so far....
Eternity Collars
House of Collars
Dreamstrike

Just so I remember...

We have had a really great weekend..it started Friday afternoon and just kept going! Just a lot of quality time together. Including playtime and watching Stardust. :)

(I know the icon is all hearts and flowers but I am romantic you know.)

House Meme

When you walk in your front door, which room do you enter? We have a little entryway but it mostly opens into the living room

Do you have a dishwasher? yes thank goodness!

Is your living room carpeted or does it have hardwood floors? carpet but the next house will probably be tile as we want a southwestern adobe type of house

Do you keep your kitchen knives on the counter or in a drawer? in a drawer...a couple of drawers actually

Do you rent or own? own -- well Master own's :)

How many bedrooms is it? it has 3 bedrooms but 2 of them are not used as bedrooms - one is Master's office and another is my studio area.

Gas stove or electric? gas and I know I am in the minority when I say I miss electric

Do you have a yard? yes but we live in desert climate so we are landscaped with rocks so it doesn't look like a yard that I grew up with. The yard is an area I would like to improve as I think it would look better with some bushes and trees. Right now it is pretty much just rocks. I would love to have flower garden but my allergies just can't keep up with a garden and it is not fair to get it and then Master have to do the work on it. So no flowers :(

What size TV is in the living room? hmm not sure it is fairly large to me but I know Master would like a flat screen -- and those are quite a bit bigger and wouldn't really fit in our entertainment unit.

Are your plates in the same cupboard as your cups? Same cupboard, different shelf. Glasses are in a different cupboard though.

Is there a coffee maker sitting on your kitchen counter? yes right next to a toaster. Other appliances on counter is the kitchen aid mixer and a microwave. A lot of time our indoor grill or crockpot is on the counter too as I those so much - grill in summer - crockpot in winter.

What room is your computer in? The computer I use is in the studio. We have 3 active computers going all the time then a few external hard drives and 2 lap tops.

Are there pictures hanging in your living room? yes a big print, then 2 pieces of art (one by me) and then several of Master's gorgeous photos too. Plus we have family photos on the entertainment unit.

Are there any themes found in your home? kind of a mix -- of modern, old world and southwestern -- yep a little eclectic. No set design or theme really. Just warm and cozy I think.

What kind of laundry detergent do you use? Purex allergy free -- it is the only one I have found that really doesn't break me out.

Do you use dryer sheets? sometimes with blankets...so that they don't cause static cling with the kitty cats.

Do you have any curtains in your home? yes but also blinds. All the rooms have blinds and curtains. Except the bathroom. They have frosted glass and then lace curtains.

What color is your fridge? white, but quite a few magnets adorn it. As Master pointed out that we never use the magnets really. I said no they are just there to be pretty or amuse me! :)

Is your house clean? at the moment I would not say it is clean. But it isn't really dirty either. It is okay.

What room is the most neglected? neglected in terms of cleaning my studio probably....as it never looks clean. It just has so much stuff in it - hard to get it to a totally clean and totally organized place.

Are the dishes in your sink/dishwasher clean or dirty? dirty -- I need to go load dishwasher in a moment and get Master's lunch while I am in the kitchen.

How long have you lived in your home? Master has lived here...well...it will be 11 years this year. I have lived here officially 5 years in May.

Where did you live before? umm I lived in Cleveland.

Do you have one of those fluffy toilet lid covers on your toilet? no

Do you have a scale anywhere in your house? yes one in each bathroom.

How many mirrors are in your house? one in each bathroom and really I think that is it...hmm I never realized that we don't have mirrors. My Mom has mirrors all over her house....I wonder why I never use mirrors to decorate.

Look up. What do you see? 2 prints on the wall -- One by Da Vinci another by Rossetti, a little shelf with a candle and a picture of my dog under one print and a little shelf with a teddy bear and a princess tin under the other, and then an altered altiod tin that has clay sculpted on it, a Buddha mask and a print about enlightenment under it.

Do you have a garage? no something again we hope to have in the next house.

Fluff

Some people get all up in arms about the posting of what they call "fluff" (music, youtube, links and memes) to blogs they read.

I started this journal to help me be true to myself and just flesh out what was going on in my life. Seeing it in words on the world wide web helped me not lie to myself. It is place just to share my life and experiences of course too -- it is a blog. So it is place that whatever in the moment I feel like writing or sharing - is what gets posted. But the main thing is it is something about me and that I responded to in a way that I want to write and share.

So I write about my life but I also share links, quotes, lyrics, music, memes because this blog is about me and the things I post - I responded too...I enjoyed it or couldn't stand it. It touched me in some way so I am sharing. So ultimately it is about me so if you see a youtube video on my blog -- and you can't stand when people post them by all means skip. But please know I am just not posting it to make sure I made a post because I haven't posted in a while or just to get readers or anything of the sort. I am posting it because it means something to me.

The same goes with memes. Recently there was a Christmas meme that I did and a dear friend responded that she loves when I answered things like it. I replied she was in the minority as I always hear about how people hate memes. I went back to read the meme after her comment...maybe see what she saw in it...and really it did tell a lot about me. I shared little stories of Christmas' past, I shared my likes and dislikes of Christmas. I enjoyed reminiscing over some memories it stirred up. I answered questions I might not have thought about before. The meme...told a lot about me. And this blog is about me...in all the varying degrees.

There is a blogger I read that posts mostly pictures but at times posts these really personal, insightful, beautiful posts. And sure I would like it they posted more of the personal writings then just photos but that doesn't make that they are only posting fluff. By seeing the photos they post -- I am in fact learning something about them. I see what gets them going, where their head is that day, and they share something with me that I maybe wouldn't have seen if it weren't for that post so for me it isn't just fluff.

If it is all fluff to you, then skip it by all means but I do want to thank the people that see something more. Oh and beware the next post will probably be a meme!

Raining to get a Rainbow....

I haven't been posting much this week as I have had a week long migraine cycle. I looked back in my journal and the last 3 years in January I have had week long migraine cycles after my period.

Although I have had the migraine cycle, I did have some good things in my life this past week...and I am very thankful for them and the many other things in my life that are good!

• I was productive on a few projects
• I received 2 packages in the mail from people I adore!
• We got snow on Wednesday that was just so beautiful...had this very serene feeling to it. And it also called for warm comfort food - so I made Chili and cornbread that day.
• Several magazines in the mail that had some really good recipes in them that I want to try out.
• I got to dance with Master
  
• Tea with cream
• Enjoying Big Love - Master got me season 1 and 2 on DVD for Christmas
• Playtime!
  

Quotes...

Just some good quotes I wanted to hang on to....

"Try to find pleasure in the speed that you're not used to. Changing the way you do routine things allows a new person to grow inside of you. But when all is said and done, you're the one who must decide how you handle it." -- From Paulo Coelho's book The Pilgrimage

"If I have been of service, if I have glimpsed more of the nature and essence of ultimate good, if I am inspired to reach wider horizons of thought and action, if I am at peace with myself, it has been a successful day." ~ Alex Noble

"Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it's letting go." -Sylvia Robinson

A Very Cool Dance

Crossing my Legs Doing the Potty Dance

So we have had a couple mixed drinks tonight. And they tend to go through me. Also I am in the midst of cleaning my studio which looks like a bomb went off in it. And so well....I was holding it...I had to go to the bathroom but just really wanted to finish the task I was working on....and so holding it. Finally I went to ask permission to use the bathroom and of course this is the time that Master decides to be mean. He is telling me about weather and all I want it so to go the bathroom. I am crossing my legs and doing the potty dance like little kids do....and he is just going on and on about weather this weekend. Of course when it isn't an emergency, it is a yes right away. But when I am on the verge of peeing my pants then he gets sadistic. So finally he says yes and then follows me to the bathroom and watches. Oh yes one of those little silly moments that reminds me how much I love him!

Happy New Year!

It is asked what song could sum up your past year...and I am not sure but I do know Soul meets Body by Death Cab for Cutie really was one I played over and over again.


"Soul Meets Body"

I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what its like to be new

Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
where they’re far more suited than here

And I cannot guess what we'll discover
When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another’s
And not one speck will remain

And I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body

And I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere



It is 2008 and I know that what it feels like to be new....

Happy New Year!