I Heart Rope

I was reading the Sexis column by Mollena over on Eden Fantasys titled Got Rope?  When I first was tied up, it was just a very crude way,  neckties from my high school boyfriend's closet that he ended up ruining from how he tied me. But I still remember those feelings associated with it - the feelings of him wrapping them around me, how his hands touched me as tied me up, the feeling of them cutting into the flesh and that I wasn't able to move/escape and was there for him to do what he wanted.  It made me feel incredibly vulnerable and exposed but that in turn made me feel very sexy and extremely turned on.   

Oddly enough I haven't been with people who enjoy rope bondage all that much. I have been tied up by a few Dominants that did enjoy rope but they weren't my regular partner and for me it feels different to me. There is a different connection.  Master enjoys bondage in the form of restraints such as cuffs, chain, duct tape but not really rope bondage. But one year at  Thunder in the Mountain I begged him to go to a rope bondage intro class. He said yes. The class inspired him! Yeah for me! 

It inspired him so much that immediately after the class, we headed to the vendors and Master bought rope. He actually had gotten some rope before the class as he did think of putting me in a harness for the evening. After the class though, he decided he not only wanted a more intensive harness, but the bondage to go down my arms. I remember I very scared about what Master had wear to the dungeon - basically sexy lingerie: a corset top, satin panties, thigh highs and heels.  After we got to the dungeon, Master did a body harness on me. From the neck of the body harness he did bondage down each arm. It was really nice. It was nice to feel it go on - feel Master put it on.  To feel his hands and see his eyes on my body as he put the rope on me.  It just felt completely different energy then it is when it is just someone casual. He then gagged me, collared and leashed me and we walked around watching various scenes going on.  I felt very much like a pretty package wrapped up on display for his pleasure.  I felt more sexy in the rope then anything I had been in that weekend - even though I was still self-conscious. It felt good against my skin and it felt good knowing Master enjoyed having me that way.  Rope bondage made that weekend so very special - giving me amazing memories. 

Disclosure: EdenFantasys provided me with a gift card in exchange for this post. All opinions are my own, and were not influenced in any way.

Guilt

There is a post over on FetLife about someone's Dominant starting to feel guilty about the SM they engage in. Even though they have always included some form of SM.  It was escalating lately though so he was feeling guilty. I am paraphrasing of course.

I could totally relate to the situation because my ex-husband became the same way. We had some kink in our sex lives almost always. I mean from the first time I had consensual sex - I was tied up and spanked. So I liked it that way.  He was virgin when I started having sex with him and I told him things I liked. He instantly took to it and ramped it up at times too without me even saying or needing to say. He enjoyed it just as much as I did. We had what I call rough sex - really hard grabbing that sometimes ended up with bruises and very sore.  He also spanked me, held me down, tied to the bed or wrists tied, engaged in breath play, slapped and spit on me,  grabbed and squeezed my breasts hard enough to leave bruises and make me scream, nipples really tormented - all those things in our sex life.

He would at times call me from work and tell me to be waiting for him on the bed, on me hands and knees naked or in certain lingerie and not to speak or acknowledge his presence - just kneel there until he told me I could make speak.  He was also at times very tender and doing missionary sex with me. It just his mood at the time. But he enjoyed the kink. He enjoyed having power over me sexually.

Eventually I found out there was a name for what we engaged in - BDSM and sadomasochism.  We started including it even more after that - ramping it up even. But really it was as soon as we gave it a name was when he started feeling guilty. He started feeling like we were "wrong" for playing in such a way. We were deviants for engaging in this type of sex play.  He ended up telling me I was a freak for wanting to be treated that way. He called me a freak enough that it - damaged our relationship.  I tried to explain to him - that nothing between consenting adults should make us feel guilty or makes us freaks. It makes us knowing what we like and having fun in the bedroom.

At one point towards the end of our relationship my husband outed me to his parents - about liking BDSM.  I was of course embarrassed at that time but later after I divorced him I was back in town and had lunch with his mother. I asked her if she had questions about what my ex had told her and she said no that she felt that anything done between consenting adults was fine.  I said " I wish your son would have had the same view."  She actually felt bad - like she had given him a view that enjoying sex was wrong. She couldn't figure out where her and her husband would have given him that view though but still felt like she did something wrong.

My ex was not Catholic but he had Catholic guilt on so many things - sex though was one of the number one things that caused guilt from the first moments of our relationship. He felt I wanted sex too much - that it wasn't normal to want sex so much.  He wanted to us to be a normal couple.  It was like he felt that everyone could see this big scarlet F for FREAKY in BEDROOM  on his forehead. He acted like someone was going to find out we were "deviants" in the bedroom. I kept telling him - I am fine with what you do to me. I enjoy it. I explained how hard he got and how wet I got so that meant that we enjoyed it and what was wrong between 2 consenting adults having fun.  I told him no one knows what we do in our bedroom it doesn't matter that we have kinky sex.

But he just couldn't get past it. He kept up with that it was wrong. So we would go into these periods where it was just straight sex- no kink thrown in - just blowjobs, doggie style, missionary and anal. All those were normal apparently to him. But anything else added in was wrong.   We would do that for a while and then - all of sudden he would throw some kink in and we would go on a binge of kink and he would then get a big new batch of guilt so it stopped.

I couldn't understand what was fine before we had a name for it was suddenly wrong. I couldn't say anything to him to help him with the guilt. I listened, I tried to reassure him that I was fine and that our relationship was good and this just added to it - like sprinkles on a cake making just even better, I tried to assure him no one knew but us, I tried to assure him what went on between 2 consenting adult was perfectly normal but nothing  I said could help him overcome his guilt.

I am very thankful I am now with someone who doesn't view our sex life as bad.  Master likes that we are kinky. He is fine with saying we are freaks but it isn't in a shameful or damaging way - it is a good thing. As I said in a post lately - yay for twisted love!

Meeting Teacup

It is kind of odd how things have kind of happened with teacup.  It just feels so right and natural.  From the first exchanges to all the moments to now....all have felt right which I know sounds so cliche but it is true.  Before we left for Christmas vacation, I did a post saying I was excited about poly and all these things are odd because in the time we have been exploring poly - it just hasn't happened that way. We have had some things that were nice, felt good, but nothing was really what I would call right to me.

Our initial travel plans to visit my family for Christmas - we discussed flying but as I started checking and watching plane prices go up and up. We realized it was going out of our range so we decided to do a road trip. We love road trips but doing a road trip gave us another thing to look forward too also - and that was we could actually take time to meet teacup. Our initial plans had been to have our first meeting in the new year but meeting her sooner worked for all of us - as we were all excited to meet!

Because it happened fast and some work plans got thrown in the mix Master and I didn't really have a chance to sit down before we went on our road trip to talk about expectations of a first meeting or those of teacups to make sure we were all on the same page. We kind of had to do it in parts along the way.  At least the road always allows for Master and I to have good talks. Master had teacup write out her expectations so we could discuss those and then unfortunately not all 3 of us could talk about it at the same time but he was going to be able to talk to teacup about our talks.

I am a person that at times has to talk about something - the same thing over and over and over and over - rehashing because maybe something isn't being expressed.  I mean it all might sound good in words on the outside but sometimes on the inside my anxieties, insecurities or emotions might be a little off balanced and need some work so saying the same things out-loud over and over and over will help me sort out the inside junk.  Also at times I need to say the same thing over and over and over again because there is that stuff inside that needs to come out and be expressed but I am either having problems expressing it or just even recognizing it in the first place so rehashing the same thing over and over and over helps me recognize and express what is going on inside.  I can tell you because of the rush of work, getting things ready for our trip, the time with family and such - I didn't get to rehash things like I needed so some things got glossed over without recognizing some expectations I had going on that I didn't see upfront.

But overall we did exceptionally well.  Really now several weeks later - looking at it I am amazed that without all the things we didn't talk about - that it did go as smooth for a first meeting such as it.

 So....our meeting....

Teacup arrived at our designated meeting place - the hotel parking lot - before us.  When we pulled in, Master said right away he saw her sitting in her car, really I was nervous but not as nervous as I thought I would be.  We parked next to her and all got out and did hugs. My first thoughts were how pretty teacup is - beautiful eyes that sparkle when she smiles.  We decided on a place to go to lunch  and just get some of the nerves out of the way.

Teacup ordered soup. I had so wanted to order soup too but my first thought was I would spill it on myself and I didn't want to do that when I am just meeting her for the first time.  After she ordered she expressed the same, concern out-loud. I had already ordered but it just made me smile that we were going through similar anxieties.

After lunch we went back to the hotel, checked in and then spent the afternoon talking.  We talked about poly issues - such as if this were to work into a long-term relationship how would it make her feel not being viewed as Master's girlfriend  to local friends and family - as I am viewed (although neither of us are his girlfriend as we don't have the equality going on in our relationships that would be in a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship).  But being viewed as a friend.  We discussed many topics and possible issues and just all sort of things while laughing in between.  It was just fun to talk and laugh with her.  It felt good sitting there hanging out.

The hours slipped passed quickly and soon it was approaching dinner time so we opted to just go pick up pizza to bring back to the room.  More talking with pizza. Soon after dinner Master and teacup moved to the adjoining bedroom of our suite as I took care of Domestic Servitude business online in the outer room.

So a background on something with me....with men sex is sex.  I can have a connection with men and have sex with them but most of the time it can just be fun sex with a man and nothing more.  But with women for me....I have to build friendship first and that connection moves to intimacy. Just moving to sex or anything sexual or really intimate such as kissing is hard for me without having that connection in place. Now Master and teacup had much more of an opportunity before our meeting to get to know each other then her and I. So although I felt like we were building a good foundation - we really got along from the first emails, chat and such - I still wasn't to a place of "oh yes lets have sex."  Because also - a lot of that is an in-person thing for me with a woman.  But we kind of all agreed if things felt good we would move into the sexual arena.  Well.... things felt good but I was still not sure I was ready to move there. I knew I wanted to kiss her. I knew that without a doubt and it is a regret that I didn't kissing her more then I did - because I let the issues that did come up block me.

It started with teacup in the middle while Master and I touched her. He was sadistic and I was soft and tender. Master could have been more sadistic with her but I was slightly freaking out - that he was being sadistic with this person who until she met us - was vanilla.  I had a few visions of her having regrets later if he was too rough or sadistic.  This was our first threesome so it was kind of surreal watching Master being sadistic with her - it turned me on to see him touch her and see her reactions but I did as I say have little worries of "oh no he might scare her off with the SM."  But in the end after we all discussed it later - he could have gone further and she would have been PERFECTLY fine with that.  :)

On the same line of thinking she did the same thing with me when he did some breath play on me she worried he might be taking it too far but really he was holding back with me too - as to not scare her.   Discussing it after though really was good for all of us and good learning for us all to see where were at in the pain/play and what we want.  Now I know where her mindset is on the SM - and see that she is a masochist!

So we played with her in the middle and then Master was in the middle and us girls ravished him for a bit before we tried to get some sleep.

There were a couple issues that came up. It was hard that they happened but good we talked about them. It was hard to talk about them and I know I was having problem communicating - my feelings in the situation but we did get them talked through.

In the morning we had some more talking through the issues before getting ready to go pack up and go to breakfast.  After breakfast, we found a park and took some photos of all 3 of us together.  We had tearful goodbyes but with good plans to look forward to our next meeting when teacup comes to visit us.  Because the trip overall did solidify that we all really do care for each other so much that we want to keep moving forward with this relationship.  Everything felt really good together even the hiccups confirmed that because of how we communicated after the issues - felt so good.

I can't wait for teacup to come and spend time with us here in Colorado. To spend time hanging out, making dinner with me, being able to show her our beautiful state, see her explore SM with Master, see how our intimate relationship grows and just every little thing - seems so exciting to think about with her here with us.

Stupid Cunt

The other day Master and I were playing and it was kind of winding down.  I was in that blissful state of just being used.  He had cum and I was covered in his cum. I was laying next to him all snuggled close.  He stroked my hair kind of gently and then said something to me...something deeply humiliating and degrading.  I am not going to say what he said as I don't want it to lose the intensity if he wants to use it again.  He told me one of those things I think often but don't voice out loud really. He said it to me followed by stupid cunt. He called me stupid cunt many times. But basically as soon as he said it the first time I felt it build. I ended up cumming. He wasn't touching my clit or hardly touching me at all - just his hand in my hair bringing me back to him because I had tried to turn away as soon as he started in with the words.  I had several orgasms, said thank you to Master and told him I loved him - right after he has just humiliated and degraded me.  Twisted love...yay for us!

Good Moon Rising

Yesterday Master had to go out town for business, just for the day.  So a nice day trip for us.  It’s a few hours of work with most of it driving there and back.  He had figured that on the way home we would be still on the road as it got dark.   The area we were driving through is very lightly populated area and there isn’t much traffic....SO....Master hooded and restrained me with cuffs and chain.  We brought a steel collar but it was having some difficulties, so had to leave that off.

After the sun was well over the horizon, he pulled off and got me all setup before we continued our travel home.  I was nervous as I could hear the cars driving past, but Master was making really good time affixing the bondage and getting me situated in the front seat.  At first the motion was a little weird, but I got used to it quickly.  The area we were in is quite hilly and curvy so we were worried about motion sickness but I did fine.  I could tell when it was hills and curves but I didn't feel sick.  I could even tell when Master was speeding up and slowing down not by the sound of the engine, but by how it felt sitting there and feeling the car move.

It was really an odd feeling not being able to look around.  It was really hard not be able to look at Master in the car.  We do lots of road trips and talk, so I always look at him. So this was us talking, but I couldn't look.  He would reach over and stroke my hood-covered head.  It was the PVC hood with the open mouth, Master’s favorite.  I would feel his hand through the hood and crave to look at him and reach out and touch him too.  I couldn't move though as I had limited mobility.

It was hot (as in sexy hot, not temperature hot). It was nerve racking too.  I kept thinking of people that might see me - and of course that was a turn on too.  A turn on because – well, it’s naughty being caught!

As we approached our town Master knew he might have to take my hood off as a car might pull up and if it was someone we know - that would be bad. Especially a work associate or just a concerned citizen who happened to look over and find someone hooded in the car. So he pulled the hood off not too far from our house. He had taken some back ways as long as he could and then when he couldn't avoid people pulling up next to us any longer, I had to have the hood off. The cuffs and chains were still on just not the hood.

As we were getting close to home, I also was having the growing need to pee. REALLY badly!  Now Master and I had discussed pissed play things just earlier that day so he was taunting me with it. We were playfully bantering back and forth about it.  He was hitting all the bumps in the road so that my bladder felt like it was ready to burst right on the spot....you know just making it as difficult as possible to HOLD IT!

I was READY (okay – beyond READY, more like an EMERGENCY HOLD) to get into the house when we pulled in the drive way. But we still had to unload the car of some equipment and files. I was still cuffed and staying that way. It was a bit of challenge to pick things up with a short chain between my wrists. But I was picking up things talking to Master about how I really needed to pee and that if we didn't get into the house soon I was going to piss right there on the driveway. Which I am sure turned him on. I know I said it pretty loud. I mean someone standing a few feet away might hear. But not anyone in the next house over.

We live in a neighborhood where we rarely talk to our neighbors. I mean I can count on fingers how many times I have probably talked to neighbors in the 8 years of being here that is how rare I talk to a neighbor.  Last night of course we had a neighbor who saw us pull in and came to ask us about the lady that lives next door. Now I didn't see him walk up. I just heard him speak right after I expressed how I was ready to piss right there in the driveway. He scared me so I jumped slightly and turned fully to him - cuffs and chain showing directly to him. I realized that and quickly turned to hide behind the open door but continued to answer his questions. Master hadn't heard him but noticed I had turned away and was talking so looked and saw him so came around and talked to him.

But of course all that could go through my head was oh my gawd that man just saw me in the cuffs and chain and THANK GAWD Master didn't keep me in the hood until we got home!  It embarrassed me but of course at the same time is funny that in all the time I have lived this is the time a neighbor chooses to come up and talk to us.  It’s possible that with it still being dark enough outside – that the neighbor didn’t see anything, but we pride ourselves not putting our kink out in the open like that so murphy’s law was definitely working against us.  It would figure that of all the times we have made the trip without incident, of all the times we have come home late from whenever without as much of nary a peep from our neighbors … that the night we decide to spice things up and get a little kink-on would be the time our neighbors decide to talk with us.

Later in bed, Master put the hood on me again and long gloves - so we could work on the arousal we built on our ride.  We had lots of fun and it ended with him cumming in my mouth and on the hood. I just felt like a very well used object.  Such a nice way to end a great day.

What about the good moon rising part?  There was a full moon out last night or at least that’s what Master said to me this morning.  Hard to see such a sight being hooded, but I wouldn’t have given it up to see the moon.  Good times, good thoughts, nice tinglies and good memories!  Good good good!