So a couple things...

comments....
Thank you everyone for the comments. I do reply to most of them but sometimes several days afterwards. But I do want to tell everyone I do appreciate their comments.

Kindlings...
There is a new website up. There are some submissives that are required to write in their journals and at times it is hard to come up with things to write about. Someone I really admire - Kaylee has started a website that has some questions and quotes to help break writers block. It is Kindlings. I am going to post a link to the side sometime this week. But I did want to plug it at least.



Slave: You are extremely devoted and take your job
as a slave very seriously. Though you realize
that there are some areas where you maintain
your autonomy, you try very hard to say attuned
to your partners every need and allow him (her)
to provide for you whatever is deemed best.
You work hard to maintain a submissive posture
in all that you do together.


How slavishly devoted are you?
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Life Update & slave-enough?

I had a migraine for 4 days - Saturday and Sunday were really horrible. And then Monday and Tuesday it was a lighter, but still bothersome enough to slow me down enough where during my down time I just would sleep instead of working on websites or being online. I also have been spotting on and off. I am suppose to have my period, but it has not here yet. So not sure what is going on - sometimes I wonder if my migraine meds interferes with my period.

On Monday, Master's Mom had surgery. He needed to see her - so on Tuesday evening Master told me to pack for one night so that we could get over there. We spent Wednesday in the hospital with her and Master's family. She is doing great! And that helped Master - it put His mind at ease. He just needed to see for Himself that she was doing good. And she was doing better then He thought she might.

So we headed back home last night and got home close to midnight.

I have not been writing this week because of the migraines and the trip to Denver. But even though those things were going on - I probably still would not be writing much. I have been very depressed. And just down...

I am not feeling slave-enough....

There are a few women I know that make being a slave sounds so easy. To me they are...more slave. More slave then I can be as a slave. The only word that keeps coming to mind is "natural" - they are natural slaves to me. Their needs and wants are making their Master's needs and wants first. They seem to have few needs to me. Their only want is to serve their Master. And I envy them with everything in me. I wish it were like that for me.

I know it is hard for them at times. But they don't expect anything back. They don't expect anything but serving. And I don't expect really...or do I? I guess what happens with me is I just desire more. I want so much. And I don't demand or even really express those desires outloud to Master. I wait and hope that Master will want and desire those things He used to want and desire - as they are both the same - or were at least at one time they were the same.

At times I wish I could let go of those desires and wants. And parts of me do but what replaces those desires is sadness...emptiness.

For quite some time I have felt like a servant. I do the things to make Master's home comfortable and nice for Him. I clean, cook and am available for whatever He is needing....companionship, sex or whatever. But I feel very empty. I don't feel the "slave" feelings. I know I want it. I know I am His slave. But I don't have those slave feelings.

It bothers me. And it makes me feel like I am missing something.

Have you ever seen a book where it was censored and it had words, sentences or even paragraphs marked out with black marker? We know the words are there and we might even faintly be able to make out a few words but you really can't read it in full context. That is how I feel -parts of me are blacked out. I know it is there and at times I feel a few desires, but mostly it I have blocked out big chunks of myself so that I don't get false hopes up. So I don't expect anything. So I don't desire those things because they are not here.

And at the same time this what He wants…so I just try to deal.

I love Master. And I do want to be His slave. I never doubt that....that is what keeps me going.

On to next topic...

I caught a little of Iron Jawed Angels again the other day and this is a few lines from one scene in it...

Alice Paul is on a hunger strike. The District Commissioner sends in a Doctor to evaluation Alice Paul. They are talking about her sanity and if she suicidal.

Doctor: "Give me liberty or give me death" Patrick Henry an American Hero
The District Comissioner: apples and oranges
Doctor: In oranges and woman, courage is often mistaken for insanity.

Here is part of an email I wrote Master before I moved here....

He had me wear my ben-wa balls. It was a time where I was not allowed to orgasm, but I was able to masturbate with His permission.

So here it is....

I was on the floor. I have my laundry sorted on the floor so before I masturbated I stripped and put my dirty clothes in the piles. When I was on the floor, my head was near the panties I had just taken off. I got on my stomach and humped the vibe. I kept looking at the panties and dirty clothes. And so I pushed my face down into the pile - specifically the dirty panties.

Which then made me think about Your dirty underwear and then I had an image come to mind that I could not
make go away. I had a gag on. And then an image of you pushing my face into your dirty underwear came to me.

I was fighting not wanting to be humiliated like that, but I was dripping wet. You put me in the bondage mittens and attached a spreader bar between my ankles. You stood looking down at me as I was on my hands and knees in the dirty clothing. You told me how you were masturbating. You were telling me I was a dirty whore. You described my body in graphic humiliating words. And finally I heard you. I heard the noises you make while you cum. I felt the wetness hit my ass. You leaned down and smeared your cum into me and then pulled my hair bending my head back and smeared your cum on my face shoving me down into your dirty underwear. You left me there while you showered and got ready for work. You let me out right before you left.

So that is what I thought of this morning while you had me masturbate. I got very close to the orgasm this morning and pulled it away before. I wanted to bring it to the edge again but was not sure if You would like that so just stopped and pulled the balls out. Wetness (not from the orgasm just from being turned on) came spattering out on my legs and creamy white cum covered the ball that was in deeper.

I have never seen them coated like that. *blushing*

I am so wet right now and so turned on and wish I was there to see you masturbate.

The email goes on but that is the only part that I thought would be interesting to post here. I have not been sleeping well so up doing some work and saving old emails from and to Master.

Horoscope for today....

LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): Creativity may be heightened now, but it's going to be tough to utilize these creative powers. It feels like it's just not quite there yet, but it's so close you can taste it. Your anticipation may be going through the roof as you wait on pins and needles. But it's not only about waiting for your creative impulses to overtake your life. You are part of the process and it's up to you to take action when the timing is right.


I am in a creative surge and I see all these things in my head that need to come out. The images and words blurring from one to the other. I am scared though. I have not felt like this in such a long time...where they are overflowing 24 hours a day. I want to express....let it all pour out. But I am scared.

It is so strange. I have had lots of messages lately to do art too. So I am trying not to push the images away. I am trying to be positive about doing art. I mean I desire it and really would like to put energy into the things going through my head.

But at the same time I have other creative ventures that I need to finish. And that is a big thing with me...start the creative process and then leave it hanging unfinished out there forever because if I never really finish it then I can really never fail at it or have someone tell me how awful it is...right. I know that is bunch of bull - logically I see that but somewhere deep inside that is how it feels.

Quizzes...


Buon Giorno Principessa! You're Princess Anne from
Roman Holiday. You're sweet and naive about
many things, but you have a strong sense of
duty. You also have an independent streak and
you love to have fun when you can. You somehow
always manage to get yourself out of trouble.


Which Audrey Hepburn Are You?
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Your Lip Gloss Flavor Is: Dr. Pepper Saying that you're one of a kind is ... well ... an understatement. You're unusual, quirky, wacky - and you love to challenge people. And you are a total trendsetter. Your friends are quick to copy your fashion and music tastes. Which is why Dr. Pepper Lip Gloss is your perfect flavor. It's as rare and outrageous as you are. What Flavor Lip Gloss Are You? Take This Quiz :-)

Delia Day

I have been getting hits from google when people search for Delia Day. Today on of the yahoogroups someone posted a link.....and with further investigating Master found some more links. Go check His entry on Delia Day's disappearance.

I also suggest you read her live journal entry of Nov. 12, 2003.

Edit on Monday - March 15th - 11:19pm - Susan in the articles Master has listed is Delia Day.

Life isn't supposed to be an all or nothing battle between misery and bliss. Life isn't supposed to be a battle at all. And when it comes to happiness, well, sometimes life is just okay, sometimes it's comfortable, sometimes wonderful, sometimes boring, sometimes unpleasant. When your day's not perfect, it's not a failure or a terrible loss. It's just another day. - Barbara Sher

This past week has been a little odd in schedules. Master has been working lots of hours. He has been going in early and coming home late. I know it is part of the job and totally understand. I also know it will get back to normal a few months. I have been just trying to make His time at home relaxing.

Yesterday was fairly relaxing….we had pumpkin bread in bed for breakfast. And then just kind of snuggled and cuddled. Which then ended up with me in a hood getting fucked. : ) In the afternoon we went out to eat and then ran an errand of sorts for Master's work. After that we came home and watched Iron Jawed Angels

It is a movie about the women's suffrage movement. I believe it is a timely movie that somewhat parallels many issues before us today. That this is an election year makes the film all the more relevant. I really liked the movie. I found it very interesting. It combined basically to me a period piece and modern cinema techniques - such as the movement of the camera and the music. I loved the music they set it to because they used Sarah McLachlan, Vertical horizon, Lauryn Hill and lots of other great musical pieces. I have read some reviews that felt the music was inappropriate for a period piece. But I liked it. Because it seemed to connect the past with the present. It seemed to bring some of the issues that were going on in this movie up front. It clearly got across that we should never take our rights for granted. Also how they were treated in the movie when picketing and in prison were things that still go on today...so it is not really a period piece. It might telling a story of a certain period, but the issues in the movie still relevant to 2004...sad but true.

I think the women in the movie did a great acting job. I am a fan of Hillary Swank though so I a might be partial. :) Frances O'Conner was also just great.

It was kind of educational for me because I have always associated Susan B. Anthony with that movement. And I did not really know anything about Alice Paul and Lucy Burns...or most of the other women depicted in this movie.

It is a movie I would see again and even like to have in our collection.

So....what next....

Today I am feeling off - but that is because I did not really sleep well last night. I ended up getting up at 4:44am which bothers me that it was at that time. It is a time I used to wake up at for years. And I don't want that to be starting up again. But I have woke up at that time 2 nights in a row now.

I suppose I should go and make us something to eat...that will tide us over until dinner is ready. I have pork ribs in the crockpot. I just don't know what to make to get us by until then....I am just so off today my brain is not working.

First I am going to do an entry about 2 things. That is all I am going to put in this entry because last time I talked about an everyday product I got TONS of hits due to people putting the name of the product in google.

So this time....

WARNING: This is an adult content blogger. So if you read anything but this entry please keep in that in mind.

Mr. Clean Magic Erasers...

Okay these are awesome. I have cleaned off spots of red stain off the front door, black scuff marks off the kitchen floor, hard water residue off the shower.....and all this was done with little effort using the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. Oh and I used it to clean out the refrigerator and it looks like it is a brand new appliance. For little jobs I have cut one of the Erasers in half and they worked just as great...like the grout on the backsplash in the kitchen. Before the eraser I had tried lots of different products on the front door stains and it never even faded a little. But these worked right away!

Next product...off brand of Claritin D

I have only used a few so far so I am sure my opinion could change, but for right now I have found something that work for my allergies better then anything ever has....I am using the off-brand of Claritin D. It is the first medicine I think I have ever taken that has eliminated my facial pain. My sinus allergies are very bad. I have not went a day without some type of sinsu sympton and also sinus pain in my face. Some days are worse then others, but there is always pain. And the 3 times I have taken this product for a full 24 hours I don't have pain. I am still have some other sinus issues on and off. But I am going through less kleenex then usual. I can reath through my nose. And I feel a lot better.

I remember once someone gave me a Claritin (without the D) and I did not see much improvement in my sinus. But then someone I know online suggested I try the Claritin D and wow...it really is great! Thank you!

Now the hard part is...trying to find it less expensive since right now the off-brand is $1 a pill. *ouch* But as Master just pointed out that the FDA just released the generic of the D in January.

I always have had 2 allergy medicines and which ever symptoms won out that is what I took. I have always had the off brand of Benedryl for runny nose, watery itchy eyes and then I had the off-brand of like Tylenol Sinus and Allergy for sinus pain and pressure...which is actually the one I take more....because my sinus pain is always there. But the first one always dried me up which was great, but sometimes it just caused me more pain because it was like it was holding back sinus drainage. And then the second one would make my sinus drain to relieve pressure thus I was blowing my nose all the time.

Every person I have ever been involved with has made the joke that they should buy stock in Kleenex because I keep them in business due to my allergies. It is true LOL

So the Claritin D with the antihistamine and decongestant combinations ....now...I am not blowing my nose at all or very little. I don't have any sinus pain or pressure. I can breath through my nose. My eyes are not watery and stinging as much or at times at all.

Only thing I have found is that I need to take it early in the day. Yesterday I had forgotten to take it and about 7pm my allergies were killing me...eyes were so watery and stinging and my nose was so stuffy....so I took one then and I think it is the reason I could not sleep last night.

I am back to that place of not writing anything of substance. There are topics that cross my mind during the day that I would like to write about - but by the time I get a chance to sit down and write...they have escaped or I just am not in the mood to write.

Right now I am in a place too....that well I don't like to be in. The main thing in my mind always...is I am Master's slave...I serve Him. And I am reflection of Him. So that what I say or write will be a reflection on Him. And I don't want to be a reflection that is whiny or complaining. Right now that is what I feel I would be doing so it is better just to not say anything and ride it out. But I also know Master would be saying write what you need to get it out. So it is a struggle at times to know what is best.

I have been doing some spring cleaning....been doing little chunks of it at a time as not to get overwhelmed or to take on too much and then get too swamped under with it. Yesterday, I got all of Master's 2003 bills/bank statements/receipts and the like all organized. And then made file folders for 2004. Today I cleaned out the fridge and freezer. I took everything out and wiped everything down. I wiped all the jars and bottles down. And then reorganized the pantry before doing my usual Tuesday cleaning. I have been cooking and baking lots. Making lots of new recipes....I made some meatballs last week that were ewww lol Master enjoyed them though. I have been cooking lighter. So I used ground turkey and then the recipe had shredded potatoes and carrots that you mix with the turkey and spices to make meatballs. And the spices are I think what I really did not like at all. It had nutmeg in them. *wrinkling nose*

Master's is going through a hard time at work right now and so my focus has been making His time at home very relaxing and enjoyable.

Again Poker is on tomorrow night....
Master and I are playing poker on yahoo again at 7pm mountain time (9pm eastern, 8pm central) Wednesday evening. Please IM us on yahoo to get an invite as it is a private table so that we can have adult private lifestyle chatting His yahoo ID is LordSpooner and mine is danaewhispering. :)

A quiz that Master will have to take....Oh Oh and Jim I would love to see where you fall on the scale! :)

(took out the image and just typed what it said because it was screwing up my blog layout)

Your position on the political spectrum...


Liberal - You believe that some things in society could definitely stand to be improved, and you view social progress as the key. You admirably manage to hold that view without becoming rabid about it, which ironically shows you as having far more genuine tolerance for differing views then your Far-Left-Liberal cousins.
Where do you fall on the liberal - conservative political spectrum? (United States)
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MP3s meme
The first ten random MP3s on my computer:

1. Chains - Tina Arena
2. Danza Viva (My Heart Grows Wings) - Ottmar Liebert
3. The Look of Love - Diana Krall
4. I love you (BT Mix) Sarah McLachlan
5. Coyoacán and Variations from the Frida Soundtrack
6. Nowhere Fast - Incubus
7. Still Burning - Sixpence None the Richer
8. Place for my head - Linkin Park
9. Insensitive - Jann Arden
10. Monochrome - Lush

POKER

Just want to remind people that Master and I are playing poker on yahoo again tonight at 7pm mountain time (9pm eastern, 8pm central). Please email Him or I...or IM us on yahoo to get an invite as it is a private table so that we can have adult private lifestyle chatting :)