Perseverance

I am busy busy as usual!

I need to thank katie for the little package I got from her this week and then last week I got a wonderful package from kaylee recently too! (note to self: I need to post what it says on the princess pills later as it was so cute!) Thank you so much both of you! Also thank you kaylee for the help you gave on one of my projects! You ROCK -- it was just what I needed!

Since I haven't had a book to read for several nights now I have been reading Cosmopolitan. Master purchased something about 2 months ago and he got 4 subscriptions to magazines for very low price to free. Cosmo was free. I think Food & Wine was like $4 bucks and the highest one. So I got Cosmo because it was free. It has been years and years since I picked up a Cosmo. OMG was it always this bad? The gal & guy confessions, the articles if you can even call them that, the advice is just horrible. I know I shouldn't be shocked it is Cosmo but I really don't remember it being this bad. The confessions I felt had to be written by kids and sent in because do people really do the things they "confess." Thank goodness I received email notification of the next book in His Dark Materials series is on hold and waiting for me. I think we might be picking that up today.

I have been working on my parents Christmas present the last few nights. Last night though I was getting so frustrated with it though. So I hope today goes better with it and that I finish it. Another project I had been working will probably come to a finish today too so that is good. I will be able to move on to the next things on my ever growing list.

The tarot cards I have pulled recently:
Tues 11/20 - 5 of pentacles
Wed - 6 of pentacles
Thurs - the Magician
Fri - the Fool
Sat - Death
Sun - I forgot to pull a card that day -- forgot a few things on Sunday.
Mon - 7 of cups
Tues - 7 of pentacles

Lately some of my cards aren't making sense to me maybe I am just in a place to see what they are trying to say to me. Thursday was Thanksgiving and I got the Magician. I didn't feel like it fit very well. I mean I used my cooking skills and have that energy focused there but I unsure it really is that it was saying. Saturdays card didn't seem to fit either. I mean that card says to me major change to me and I really haven't had major change happening especially not on Saturday. Yesterday I was very focused on what I was doing. I didn't have much time to just get lost in myself or day dreaming. But yet the card was 7 of cups. I have been pulling quite a few 7's lately too. The week before last I think I had three 7's in a row. Now yesterday and today. Seems like a lot of 7's. Bah like I said I just am not seeing what they are saying to me. Maybe I just don't have right focus for them.

Todays card probably will fit today. As I can see the end near on several projects. And that feels good!

What else...

We are again giving each other a ton of movies for Christmas. Master ordered quite a few the other day at JR's. In the order was a Christmas pack of movies -- Scrooge, Miracle on 34th Street and then the other 2 movies were on it that I don't think I have heard of before but I am hoping he lets me have that pack before Christmas. I also got an Elizabeth Taylor pack and Cary Grant pack. And Roman Holiday too. (all those packs and Roman Holiday - $3.99 -- good deals at JR's if you haven't ever used them I suggest checking them out.) I like old movies. We don't have a lot of old movies in our collection but that will be changing now after this order.

Well I better get busy....

I thought there was something else I wanted to write about but of course at the moment I have sometime to write -- it has escaped my brain.

Holidailies!

As everyone who read probably knows I am a BIG sap for Christmas! I love the magic that surrounds it. And for some reason it always puts me in the mood to share and write....so Master gave me permission to join again this year...so starting Dec 1 going until Jan 1 -- I will be posting EVERYDAY!

Please go and check them out! Join In!

Poly Link

Master just sent me this link....

It is from a column called Dear Margo. Apparently she had someone poly write her and she posted a response to it. It is a surprising response to me...but a good one.

Dear Margo

Thanksgiving

Yesterday was lovely. I had cinnamon rolls raising before I went to bed on Wednesday so we had a few of those for breakfast on Thursday while watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade. Master talked to several of his family members while I got things ready for the turkey dinner. We don't eat until 4pm so I just prepped.

While we waited for getting things in the oven, we watched a movie. We watched The Prestige. We ate about 4:30pm as pop up timer on the turkey didn't pop up until then even though I thought just by poundage it should have been done sooner. Master and I had a good wine and stuffed ourselves! After we cleaned up the kitchen, I called my parents. My sister just closed on a house so I knew they were spending Thanksgiving working on the house. It has hardwood floors almost all through the house that needed to be sanded and re-varnished plus several other projects that need to be done before she moves in. We chatted a bit and then Master and I rolled ourselves to the couch to watch The Polar Express. It was so nice to be snuggled up on the couch watching it...I get such a gleeful feeling when I watch it. Not feeling so stuffed but still needing to work some of it off so we could have pumpkin pie meant fun in the bedroom and I got beat! yay! Eventually we had pumpkin pie and watched Project Runway (I will probably do another post on that). We ended up getting to bed about 1:30am with the alarm set for 4:30am because we decided to be insane hit Best Buy and Circuit City on Black Friday.

It was a good Thanksgiving....We had a really nice day! Master and I had good quality time together yesterday. It was very nice and I am very thankful to be with Master.

I really get annoyed with myself though because I still got sad and down yesterday despite having a really nice day with Master. I was missing time with family. I even thought of Thanksgivings spent with Jim because really we would spend many Thanksgivings at his Aunt's home. But I also thought when I hosted it a few times....although like I said in my last post cooking Thanksgiving meal isn't my favorite for a crowd. I am always worried the turkey won't come out good. Why I worry about that...I am not sure as I have always had my turkey's turn out really good.

I remember the first Thanksgiving I hosted was when my parents, sisters and one of my Grandma's came...when I was married. I think actually it was our first Thanksgiving after moving into our house. I had at that point in my life never made a turkey so thankfully my Mom was right there to help walk me through it! Such as I was forgetting to pull the sack of giblets so she caught that! And she made the mashed potatoes because it took me years to master those...I always have had lumps. I finally can make mashed potatoes without lumps (well most of the time). But everything else I made turned out really good. I just remember being so intimidated because my Mom and my Grandma are amazing cooks. So here I am doing turkey dinner for the first time and they are my guests. Oh my the panic! I remember freaking out on Jim before they got there in the morning - they had stayed in a hotel as our house had lots stairs and my Grandma couldn't take those. So it was just my sisters that stayed with us. But I freaked out with Jim. He of course kept trying to tell me all would work out and it did.

I had made turkey a few times by the next Thanksgiving I hosted so I wasn't as freaked out. And that Thanksgiving was with friends. We had 3 couples. One couple had just moved to the area and the wife of the couple was really missing her family. It was going to be her first Thanksgiving without family. So I thought being around a bunch of friends might help her. And it did for the most part - you know there is always that part of that thinks about it though. I made the turkey, mashed potatoes and stuffing and a few appetizers but then everyone else brought things. I still remember the house decorated just perfectly with lots of fall leaves/trim and candles. I made a table runner. It had really pretty fall leaves on it so added solid fall colored napkins that I tied with jute for napkin rings. I made place card holders out of little sacks that I filled with candies for them to take home. They were decorated with leaves that I painted on watercolor paper and cut out and attached with raffia. One with leaf with their name on it. We had lots of food, wine, games and laughter. It was really nice because it wasn't an obligation to come...like it is sometimes with family. Although we all love our families sometimes we have to go because we have to go. And that wasn't the case with the friends. So it was different then usual but very nice.

I hosted Thanksgiving one year for Jim's parents too. I can't remember why his Aunt wasn't doing it or why we weren't going there but Jim's parents came over and it was a nice day. I always felt intimated by her too. Because while we are friends now and friends while I dated Jim when I became Jim's wife I never seemed good enough in their eyes. So I always felt like I had to go over and above things to prove myself.

I know I hosted Thanksgiving a few more times...once when my sisters couldn't get to Minnesota they came to our house. But those 3 above are the ones that stick out in my mind the most. And I recalled yesterday during my sadness. As I said it annoys me because I have so much to be thankful for plus I had such a nice day with Master that I shouldn't have been sad at all. I just feel this year is going to be year of recalling old memories for me because of my mindset about being 40.

Well that is enough reminiscing for today. I need to work today a little bit.

Turkey Eve

I haven't had much time for anything lately. I go from one project to the next, to the next...and so on.

Yesterday was shopping, working on a website and working on a Christmas present for my parents. Today I have cleaned most of the day, baked and then did a little bit of work the Christmas present for my parents.

It will just be us tomorrow...which is fine with me. Cooking for a large group on Thanksgiving isn't one of my favorite things to do...I would rather do Christmas dinner. We are having a pretty traditional menu this year. Roasted turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, stuffing, green beans and I even made parker house rolls - something I haven't made since I was married and hosted Thanksgiving.

Master gave me a surprise the other day.....he said we will be putting up the Christmas decorations BEFORE his birthday this year so his parents can see the house all decorated. I am so excited! He usually likes us to wait until after his birthday...which I totally understand. But it does still make me very happy we get to have the decorations up a few days longer then usual! I am such a sap for Christmas.

I will be finishing The Golden Compass tonight (only have like 30 pages left). I really enjoyed it. I have put on request the second in the series. I am still waiting for the 4th in the Outlander series. So looks like I will be out of books for the next few days. I reached 50 books for the year though -- which was 50 more then last year so I am happy about that.

Well I better sign off and get some sleep.

I hope everyone has a lovely Thanksgiving full of friends & family and love & laughter!

Busy & Blah

I have been busy with work - websites. We have quite a few website on our plate. And those usually got to me except when they are content management - those are Master's. I am just not ready to tackle them yet.

This weekend I felt down but then yesterday I worked on something for a friend and that made me feel better because I know it will make her smile. I don't feel I accomplished much else this weekend though. I have 2 websites that I need to work on...changes to one and finishing up the other now that the client decided what template she wants. I also need to finish up my article. And then prep for Thanksgiving this week.

Master parents are coming for his birthday (Dec 6th) -- one reason I was down as I really just wanted it to be us. So I need to finish the autumn cleaning I started a few weeks ago (when I was steam cleaning). I would like to wash and press all the curtains and steam clean the hallway and Master's office before they come (then all the carpet in the house would be done). I have bunches of stuff to go to Goodwill but I need to get it all together (one spot) and then typed up for taxes.

I started making our holiday card list today, got out the cards and labels too so that I can try to get those out early this year. Maybe I will even get a letter done this year.

Not sure what else to say...I am hoping to be able to do the Holidailies and that usually inspires me to write more.

In the Stars...

Lets101 - Free Online Dating

TMI Tuesday....

1. Wash up, cuddle or fall asleep? cuddle and then at times wash up and just occasionally fall asleep. I am at times worn out and can sleep and other times I am energized.

2. Have you ever faked orgasms? yes when I was an escort I did have to fake it sometimes. Not that often...most of my clients usually got me off but there were a few that didn't.

3. In any 24 hour period, what is the most number of time you have ever had sex? vaginal sex 7 time - mixture of vaginal, oral and anal 12 times

4. Have you ever had sex or give/received oral sex while you were driving a car? not while driving but I gave my ex-husband oral while he was driving. We ended up having to pull off the road though to finish.

5. What do you think the average number of sexual partners your sex has in their lifetime (so for me a male)? Do you think most people lie when asked? My sexual partners is umm too high to remember...I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Most of the time it doesn't ever bother me but after this question and thinking about the norm might be....it bothers me.

Well I think most of my friends are between 6 and 10. I think the "norm" though is 4. But I also think people lie. I think things I count as sex - most people don't. Like the virgins that have anal and oral to be a virgin on their wedding night. I think you aren't really "innocent" if you have had everything but vaginal sex. You aren't a virgin in my eyes. On the other end of the spectrum...I had a friend in college who was raped but very much wanted it to be something special when she married -- and she was crushed she wasn't a virgin. And I felt in my eyes she would be a virgin with her husband because it would be her first consensual sex.

Bonus (as in optional):Can men and women be "just friends?" (Explain) yes I have had plenty of men that were just friends. And I don't feel we were ever attracted to each other sexually. We were just friends.

Questions of the Day

...over at Hellbent Queers...

If you could go back in time and restart your journey into BDSM would you do anything differently? Would you have read more? Gone to a Munch sooner?

I wish I wouldn't have had as much exposure to the internet. Websites, chatroom and such influenced me in over all negative way because I was just so caught up in the feelings instead of slowing down and really examining what they meant to *me*. I do wish I would have sought out people in offline --- such as munches and events sooner.

What is the purpose of play/scene for you? What do you hope to get out to of the experience?

Really it just depends on the mindset. Sometimes it is just foreplay to sex. Other times it is for an emotional release. Sometimes it is just for his amusement. Other times it is for a more animalistic or primal experience. And so on.

What would your ideal place to play/scene be? Describe the decor, the furniture, the music, tell us all about it.

I really can't think of an answer to this one. I mean there are things coming to mind but nothing stands out as the

ideal

.

Do you dress a certain way when you are getting ready to scene or go to a play party?

Been a long time...but usually do dress in fetish wear

How would you dress to go to a munch in a private space? How about if it was in a more public place?

Munch private setting: just casual everyday wear or fetish wear --- probably would depend on what was going to be going on at the munch.
Munch public setting: what I would call date attire and feminine

Does the clothing matter to you for setting the scene or not much?

It depends on the scene...doing a Daddy/little girl or Teacher/school girl yes the clothing does matter. But just fun in our bedroom it doesn't matter for me but I know Master has a fetish for clothing so he likes me to be dressed.

What kind of clothing do you like seeing your partner in for play or a munch?

It really doesn't matter for me. As long as Master is comfortable. :) Although he does have this very sexy pair of black jeans and a black shirt with stripes that I swoon every time I see him in them. :)

To Tell or not to Tell?

kaya posted about telling your doctor you are into SM. And I am totally in agreement with her post and wrote something similar several years ago....this is also on our website.

I always try to be honest and forthright to my doctor. I tell them I engage in consensual SM. I tell them if they have any questions or concerns to please let me know. A doctor provides a service so if I don't feel comfortable with their reaction, comments or questions then I thank them for their time and go to another doctor. I don't want to put my health and well being in the hands of someone who might lead me the wrong way just because of their personal objections, morals or religious beliefs. I try not to go in with extreme bruising, marks or cuttings because I don't want to shove it in their faces to the point of uncomfortableness. But I have gone in with bruises at times and most of the time now my doctors will ask if it is play. And if I say yes they drop it and move on.

Two doctor stories....I had a pap smear appointment and it was one of those where I had canceled it a few times...not because of bruises just for daily life things getting in the way. I then realized I just couldn't put it off any longer. The problem I had a bruise. One that would be noticed during a pelvic examine as it came from a strap on. The dildo was held to the strap-on with a metal ring and during sex the ring kept hitting the bone right at the top of my mound. It left a fairly large bruise plus a knot under the skin. So I bit the bullet and decided to go through with it anyway. I got in the stir ups and right away he saw it. He said to me...."Do I want to know how you got this bruise?" I said, "probably not." He smile, nodded and then went on to just give me my pap.

The next scenario is one that another reason I am out to my doctor. I had been playing pretty heavily sexually. My partner tried to fist me but I ripped. I tried to treat it but a day or so later something happened that caused it to rip further.** It wasn't healing properly so I had to go doctor and tell him exactly what happened so that he could properly treat it. I explained it and really I am thankful I was out to him because although that injury doesn't sound all that bad - it was in hard place to "heal" so he was able to help me in a way I wouldn't have known without going to a doctor. He didn't give me a lecture. He didn't act mortified. He was kind and professional. And that is how it should be when you have come out to your doctor. Because I came out to him ahead of time also I think eased the situation so that he was fully confident it was 100% consensual.

** So want to know the embarrassing little tidbit of info I left out of that post and that I shared with my doctor. I was fisted and then a couple days after I was wearing a pair of thong panties. I sat on the edge of the bed but the mattress had moved so it was hanging off the edge. I hadn't seen that so when I sat down my bottom slipped off. My thong panties wanted to stay where I was so...pulled up...and ripped me more....basically clear to my anus. And yes I am admitting this to all that read...good thing you can't see my face. And I was that embarrassed when I told my doctor, but as I said above he was kind and professional and really did need to know all the information. It took me several weeks actually to heal completely and even then I wasn't ready mentally to have intercourse because of the pain while healing.

7 things I am interested in.....

Over on Livejournal there is a meme going around that has to deal with the interests listed on profiles. People pick 7 interests they would like you to explain more. So these were picked for me. If you want to pick any interests for me to explain please feel free to leave me a comment or email me!

Edward Gorey

- I can't really remember when I first started liking his art but I think it was late grade school - jr. high maybe. He is like a darker Dr. Seuss to me. I just really like his images. I remember once upon time - I was a newlywed - I was shopping with my Mom and I picked up some notecards that had Edward Gorey images on them. I thought about getting them and framing them to put in our bathroom. My Mom was horrified...felt his works were evil. She told me she wouldn't ever use the bathroom in my house. Yes insert eye roll here. I ended up not getting them but not because of what she said just decided I didn't need to spend money that day.

Mindfucks

- Definition: "In BDSM, the term mind fuck refers to the act of experiencing or creating a situation which brings about a sense of confusion or a heightened sense of stress, brought about by misleading someone within the confines of a scene or roleplay situation." (a little more at that link)

It is very odd. I would say I haven't been mindfucked in a long time. It is not that Master wouldn't like to but really something is kind of screwed up with me. Before in the past when with others that did mindfucks on me I could walk away and often have a few days away from the person and shake it all off and convince myself that I knew it wasn't real the whole time. Well with Master....I can't do that very well because I take everything Master says to me...to heart. So when it is done it crumbles me in ways that are hard to bounce back from. (humiliation and degradation in play too if it is heavy will do this to me too.)

He does some mindfucks that are okay...that I believed at the time they are being done but come back from okay. But really overall my brain is wonky with him because my feelings for him to are different from feelings I had with others in the past...I bring things he says to my heart much more.

Protocol

- is basically a code of conduct....instruction from Master on how to achieve the things he wants in his life. I like that he has told me what he wants and expects from to help me enhance his life. One protocol he created was I walk on his right side because he can't hear in his left ear. When he was first teaching me that, he would stop walking to if I wasn't on his right side. I would ask if everything okay and he wouldn't say anything he would just stand there until I figured it out....standing there in the parking lot of mall, in the middle of wal-mart and so on.

Typography

- I have a thing for it...I always am looking at the type/font in on websites, in magazines/newspapers, tv ads, greeting cards, junk mail and so on. I have a ridiculous amount of fonts because of obsession. I also think it is why I have a love for a local artist that uses engraved printing plates to create his art.

Ritual Service

- a symbolic gesture done in serving. When we take a shower together it is a ritual for us....as it symbolizes things for us and the relationship we are in. Ritual service is taking something I do in service to make it symbolic. I have done that at times with cleaning the house, serving Master's dinner, getting his coffee and so on. I don't do it always but I do it in so that it helps me get back to center. I know that when I am not feeling very slave-like - struggling at times putting a ritual into my service helps bring me back to center.

Creating your own Reality

- I believe if I want something I am the one that can make it happen. I think about it, visualize and work the steps to get to manifest my dreams. I know I have done this in a negative way also - which I don't like - but in self sabotage I create my own reality.

Kevin Smith

- My first encounter with the name Kevin Smith was the movie Chasing Amy. I really liked the movie. And it is still one of my favorite Kevin Smith movies. But really more then his movies (although I do like most of his movies too)....I like him. I have seen Evening with Kevin Smith 1 and 2 and I just like his stories, look on life, and well I think he is sexy.

Elizabethtown

Last night I watched Elizabethtown. I put it on my netflix queue after seeing Orlando Bloom in the 3rd Pirate movie as I just really liked him as eye candy. Well I wouldn't say the movie was great but it did touch me. It had some really beautiful touching moment for me and some really good lines. But then...what really pushed it over the top was the MUSIC! It is a Cameron Crowe movie and his movies usually have good music but this really seemed to even out do Almost Famous (which I have that soundtrack too because I love the music - icon is from it too).

In the movie Kirstin Dunst's character (Claire) has told Orlando Bloom's character (Drew) that he should take a road trip because he said he never had done one. She makes him this really cool altered book with maps (including places where he should stop and why), pictures and then mix cds for the whole way to fit with where he is driving. And the music....oh the music...makes me tear up now just thinking of it...as I was just so completely absorbed in it that I know I missed some of the feelings Orlando's character was suppose to be going through as I was going through my own emotions.

I immediately went to amazon.com to see about soundtrack and of course there is the orginal score and then there are 3 more cd's the main soundtrack vol. 1 and plus 2 more. One just for when they (Drew and Claire) were The Brown hotel...that one I would really like to have but it wasn't available on amazon (which btw the hotel looks like an amazing place to stay!). So today Master had some reward coupons for Best Buy and he was going to look something so he said go see if they have soundtracks for Elizabethtown. They had the main one - vol. 1 and then vol 2. I picked vol. 2. But would like to get the other sometime too.

So I am sure I will be listening to Elizabethtown soundtrack for several days/weeks.