Q&A about Wouldn't it be easier

I had a few questions with the Wouldn't it be easier post. I thought it would be easier to answer them all in a post...sorry it took so long! If I am not making sense or you or anyone has further questions feel free to ask.

From appolonia:
When you were in your vanilla marriage, your actions etc came from being centered on self, vs. in striving for surrender, you are trying to come from selflessness, for your Master's desire/pleasure alone, with no thought for your own desire?

With my ex-husband I often put his desires before my own. I wanted to please him and do anything I could to make his life easier. I believe there was submission and surrender with my ex-husband. So not sure on this question because in some ways I can see that submission was just so easy because I didn't hold back because I just did what felt right/natural. I just allowed myself to be who I am. I didn't have all the words and ideas stopping me. Right now technically I hold back from Master because I get tripped on what the words and ideas mean to me. But I also don't believe in holding back because being transparent to Master is a goal. So it is a tug-of-war between all the preconceived ideas.

Perhaps your Master asked why you may have talked yourself out of it simply bec/it gave Him pleasure to see you reach for Him for mutual pleasure?

I am not sure I understand this question. I understand it gave him pleasure for me to reach out and initiate. And so it should be an easy call for me to say okay he liked it so I am here to please him - next time just take that initiative. But I still struggle against the ideas and what the words mean to me - debating with myself. I don't like that I do and am trying to work on it. And sometimes I have an easier time with it all. It just isn't a constant and I would like to work on getting it there.


From subsabel:
I'm constantly trying to decide if I should be 100% passive or talk about my desires or what?!?!
I know this wasn't really a question but I thought I would throw my 2cents out there. Ask your dominant. It is something that I wish I would have brought up more often and sooner. I think actually part of my struggle comes from I have been with Master for 5 years and I have come complacent in these feelings so that I didn't even realize I was holding back so much until Master told me it was a nice surprise that I did that.


My question to you is how did your Master respond to you when you explained to him your anxiety about making decisions and potentially putting your will against him (or topping from the bottom)?

He was very understanding of my feelings but he was very surprised by them. Because he couldn't figure out how I could put my will on him. He reminded me he isn't going to do something he doesn't want to....if that morning I had touched and he didn't want to he would have said not now and most likely gave me a reason so that I didn't feel rejection or so it didn't hold me back from doing it again. He also pointed out to me that by not expressing my desires - I am holding back parts of myself. And he owns all of me.

From swan:
Do you think that simply not having the "words" would change the dynamic enough for you to be able to understand these "boundary" issues?

I would like to think so but I am basing this on my past experience with my ex-husband and I am basing on the interaction between Master and I when I don't think and let the words trip me up. When I don't think, we just are natural with each other and I know that boundary. The only thing that stopping me for saying yes for sure that it is just the words is that Master set in place that strong foundation right from the beginning of our interaction so now sure if that is what makes me know where the boundaries are when I don't think or if it is that i am not thinking of the words and ideas.

And how do you reconcile the issues of not "putting your will" on Him vs. not giving Him full access to real information about you?

I haven't reconciled them. I can understand logically that Master isn't going to do what he doesn't want to and I can understand it is my own preconceived ideas that trip me - not his. I am working on trying to not listen to all those things that flit through my brain and remember that it is holding back if I don't tell him. I am hoping by reminding myself of that often enough that I will reprogram those ideas and words in my head.

From a friend on lj:
in M/s is it okay (or does it depend on the couple) for the slave to initiate sex or play?? like just on the basis of "i love you and i want you and you're desirable to me, let me show you" kind of thing.

I think it does depend on the couple as I do know several couples where the Master doesn't want the slave to initiate anything sexual. Master of course is fine with me initiating anything sexual. I think I show him he desirable to me and I love him in other ways then sex for the most part though.

FYI on a couple things....

I have gotten some questions with the last post through comments, email and over at my lj so I will be making a new post answering all of them.

Also if you haven't noticed...I am still posting here. I am going to but it will be mostly things that fall under the BDSM umbrella....so M/s and SM ponderings will land here.

Wouldn't it Be Easier....

This was written several months ago but never got it posted. And then when I thought about posting well it seemed to not mean the same thing to me that it did at the time. But I decided this morning to go ahead and post it....because well it did go through my brain at one time. I still do go through hard times of communicating my desires and wants but it has gotten a bit easier because this post sparked conversation with Master back when I initially wrote it.

Some days I think it would be easier if I didn't have a terms and ideas associated with M/s. It would be easier to say I am vanilla -- like I was when I was married.

The other night Master got up to go to the bathroom and I woke up into that hazy place of not quite fully awake but awake enough to know what I wanted. I was horny. I woke up from a sex dream and was wanting to touch Master's cock. I had this strong desire to have of his cock in my hand. So when he got back into bed I reached over and started to touch his cock. And well Master was all for that. After having a very nice playtime, we were about to go to sleep and he said that was a nice surprise and I said he can thank that to me being half asleep and not able to talk myself out of it. The next day he asked me what I meant by that.

As his slave I have ideas and definitions in my head associated with the word slave. And because of it I stop and question everything I do. And at times talk myself out of things I want and desire - be it vanilla things, sexual things, SM things...just every day things of life. I often talk myself out things because it feels like I would be putting my will on to him. Such as if I want sex -- I won't suggest or ask because I would feel I am putting my will/desires on him. I won't do anything or say thing because if he wants to have sex he will come to me as it is his desires that matter. Yep that is how my brain works.

When I was married, I submitted to my husband, we were kinky, we had a fairly strong D/s dynamic before we put words to it. And when we named it -- it went down hill -- fast. When we were husband and wife with a dynamic that was natural to us, I could ask for things I desired because I was his wife. When I wanted a new rug for the bathroom, I went and got one. I knew that if I was wanting to redecorate the whole bathroom, that is something I would have to ask about. I could dress in lingerie before he got home and not question if it was appropriate thing for his wife to do. I knew the lines of boundaries within our marriage - I knew my place as his wife. But as soon as we put D/s terms to it then we both stumbled and fell. When I dressed sexy for him, he asked why and I questioned if I should as his submissive. And he asked what my motivation was for doing it but before as his wife he didn't question that...he just though my wife is dressed sexy lets have sex - period. We became so serious after putting things in D/s terms and a lot of fun things disappeared from our relationship.

All that said I want to be Master/slave - I don't want to be straight vanilla. I want to be kinky and serve. I just wish I didn't know the words. I wish I didn't have preconceived ideas of what those words mean. So I was thinking wouldn't have been easier if I didn't put terms to this....this who we are and what we do. If I didn't know what Master/slave meant, maybe it would be easier to just be.

Poll Because I am Curious....

I just made a poll because I am curious....I am asking that all lurkers, long time readers and well just anyone that reads take it for me pretty pretty please with sugar on top! It is in the side bar! Thank you!

From Kissing to Screaming....

This morning Master and I had a bunch of errands but were both tired. So after we came home -- Master said it was time for a nap! We both got naked and climbed in bed but soon Master had other ideas.

Started off with kissing...a long passionate kiss that went on for quite a long time. We didn't come up for air much. It was amazing. Somewhere in there though Master got to pulling my hair and biting my lip - hard. From there it moved more into SM fun filled times....my tits are still hurting several hours after. I remember screaming so loud that I thought we might really have a neighbor come and knock on our door today.

Have I said lately how great it is that Master works from home? Well it is!

Getting Under the Table

I am watching The Devil's Advocate with Keanu Reeves (Kevin Lomax), Al Pacino (John Milton) and Charlize Theron (Mary Ann Lomax).

There is this scene that I like that is very short but it just turns me on....

Milton and Lomax are at a restaurant/bar and it is this big table with lots of beautiful girls. One girl is sitting on Milton's lap, he whispers in her ear, she slips off his lap and gets under the table. And Milton gets this huge smile on his face looking at Lomax. And I all I can think about when I see the scene is I wish I could do that...it is something I haven't ever done. Not necessarily Al but he does have a cocky arrogance that has a certain sex appeal. But the thought of slipping under the table and giving Master or whoever he wanted a blow job there in a crowded resturant/bar just makes me feel very naughty! In a very good way of course. Of course if ever faced with that prospect I am sure I would be very nervous and scared.

TEST - LJ Feed

This is a test. I am trying to set up a livejournal feed of my blogspot. If this works I will add the link for those that want it.

The link to the LJ Feed so that you can see my blogspot on your LJ friend's page. Also Master has a LJ feed of his blog too.

Oh Snap!

Wednesday night I went to bed very late and then couldn't get to sleep. The last time I looked at the clock it was 3:30am and I am sure it was closer to 4am that I got to sleep. Master had to be up early for a meeting on Thursday morning so I had asked if he would wake me he was wanting breakfast. Well he did but he did so in a teasing way and it rubbed me the wrong way. So I snapped at him. I hate when it happens but I apologized. And then it was done. I am not perfect....I do get annoyed. I do lose my control over my emotions at times. I do snap. It does happen.

When I was married if something like that would have happened it would have been several days before I could apologize. I don't like to snap. And I am glad I am able to see what is happening quickly and that we are able to move past it.

But some days wouldn't a gag be easier!

(art in the icon by kukulaland)

Shiny

Master has a latex and spandex fetish. He likes shiny clothing that tight around my body. Now...me being a bigger girl with lots of umm curves....it makes me very uncomfortable to wear such items at times. Also we found out I am allergic to latex. So it hasn't been an easy fetish to fulfill for him.

A couple years ago my sister's gave me a gift certificate to target. Master suggested I buy somethings to keep warm in the winter because I always seem to be shivering. So I got a nice fluffy warm robe but I also got cuddlduds. They are kind of like spandex on the outside and softer on the inside. And made to be an alternative to thermals/long johns. Master loved them instantly. He really raved every time I wore them he drooled. This hit his shiny tight fetish perfectly.

Today we were at Target and he said we should check them out. This is the time of year when stores start putting essential winter items on sale. And sure enough all of the cuddleduds had red clearance stickers on them. Master bought me 3 bottoms and 2 tops (tops I never had before).

So here is where I am struggling....I have "body" issues. And when wearing something like this -- those issues come up in my face even more. And I am thrilled Master loves the way I look and I am thrilled he gets turned on by it. And that helps me so much in wearing them...knowing he likes it helps me kind of push those issues aside and do a little mantra of He likes them, He thinks I am sexy, He is turned on. All things that make me smile. And also I am thrilled I am warm. But of course at times....internally I start to freak because I know if I wore them everyday it would be hard on me. I know that wearing white ones opposed to black that I have on now would make me uncomfortable to the point of how would I push past and just let the voice that says he is pleased be it. But when you have a big bag of issues that has been hanging around for quite a while....well it is hard to tune out the voices in my head that shout...."look at that roll there"...."hey did you see how fat her butt is"....."omg could those be any tighter around her tummy" -- and so on.

There is this girl I know that has a good body and has to post pictures of herself on her blog because her Master tells her. She always is worried about how fat she looks and I am amazed she even thinks she looks fat. She talks about all the feelings and thoughts that go through her head when she posts the pictures but she does it because her Master tells her. Master is not telling me I have to wear the cuddlduds but I know it please him so much that to me how could I go against that. So that is why I am sitting here in my snug to the body cuddlduds because I know it please him. But it doesn't stop the things going through my head though just like it doesn't stop the girl that thinks she looks horrible and fat.

So for now I am trying to wear them and get used to them...and wonder what I can do with those voices. And get back to that place I used to be in many years ago -- of just being comfortable in my own skin.

To Blog or Not to Blog....?

Okay since I have mentioned this a few times on my Livejournal I thought I should finally come clean here....

I am thinking of not blogging here. I am not set in stone about it yet. I won't delete it as I have 7 years of archives and I don't want a blog squatter using my name. If I do keep this blog it will probably go to a strictly BDSM -- M/s thoughts blog and nothing of the vanilla parts of my life.

I don't write about BDSM - M/s things much these days as I feel like I have discussed things over and over again. If there is a topic that is hot on blogs or elists, I usually have written about 3 or 4 times in years past. That isn't meant to sound superior -- as I am not - far from it. I just know that things go in cycles on the internet....the discussions of protocols, punishment, safewords, slave vs sub, if submission is a gift, trust, communication, reactance and so on.

Also I don't struggle like I did so I don't find the need to hash things out. Do I struggle with it at times? Of course but it doesn't usually occur to me blog about it because I work through the struggle and by the time I actually could get around to blogging about it -- it isn't on my radar to write about it. Also I have about 50 posts in draft form on blogger not finished as time passes it just doesn't seem relevant or spark my interest to write about now so they sit there.

So if I keep going here it will be just BDSM - M/s type blogs but that will probably mean less blog entries. Again this is just something I am tossing around at the moment -- nothing is set in stone. This is not a call for comments/emails to ask me to not stop blogging but just thought I would admit it here as I have been talking about it on my livejournal.

And also maybe this will all change and next week I will go what was I thinking about....how silly of me.

Yes!

One of my favorite vanilla blogs wrote an incredibly beautiful post about the word yes several years ago. Before that post I had always liked the word yes for many of the reasons she stated but when I read what she wrote -- of course I paid attention to yes much more. This blogger was a school teacher and when grading papers if someone really wrote something that got to her as a human not just a teacher she wrote yes with an underline. Life has those moments you know...those moments when your soul shouts yes!

5 years ago I said yes in that way. I have told this story many times over the last 5 years and of course I will again...

I remember it so clearly. I feel the intensity of the moment. Master just pulled a chain out of his pocket and put it around my neck...and locked it in place. No words. He didn't tell me that he was going to do this. He didn't ask me. He just claimed me.

It was a yes moment because it Yes this is it. Yes He owns me. Yes this is right for the first time in my life. Yes...yes...yes!

This last 5 years has been so many moments of yes.

Yes to the moments of Him slipping that chain around my neck and locking it in place and knowing how privileged I am to be His.

Yes to those moments of snuggled on the couch watching a movie and laughing at the same time or even being touched by the same line.

Yes to Him helping and supporting me in so many dreams. And Him allowing me to do the same for Him.

Yes to the day trips that create wonderful laughter, conversation and just a sharing that I cherish.

Yes to Him wrapping His hand in my hair and bring my eyes to met His....seeing that connection.

Yes to the kisses, hugs and dancing for no reason but to touch each other.

Yes to the feeling so alive when we look at each other.

Yes to the faith in each other that is always steadfast.


Yes to the hard times for allowing us to see how far our relationship can go - together.

Yes to the creativity that we energize in each other.


Yes to our passion for this path we are on.

I could go on and on with yes moments. I am just very thankful for each and everyone of them. I am very thankful I have someone in my life that helps me create and see YES!

Thank you Master for the last 5 years....thank you for making me Yours....I love you!

5 Years

I woke up to little notes all over the house and a beautiful love letter. I am a very lucky girl!