Sadomasochistic Desires Fulfilled

From an old journal entry from July 25, 2002 before I was Master's...

I was involved with someone that did not get BDSM and the sadomasochism side of things. He got them as a fantasy but he didn't really do BDSM. He did D/s, M/s and even some domestic discipline. But not SM play. When we were getting to know each other, he always expressed very sadistic fantasies so I assumed he did those things with his other slaves or at least wanted to do those things. But he thought of them as fantasies used to get turned on but not really something that he did (well at first - it did change - after I urged him to pursue it more - but it took quite a while.) So when I was first there I pushed my masochistic desires away. But of course they surfaced and soon...I begged him to slap me. But I still craved more. I wanted something to make me feel it in my core. Which might sound odd that someone could slap me but not flog me, tie me up or other typical BDSM play type things. But I knew him. I knew he had sadistic desires but they weren't typical BDSM play things. So I begged for things I knew he had fantasies about and desired so I could get my masochist desires fulfilled. And he enjoyed it. It sparked that sadistic side so that he wanted to try more typical BDSM type things.

I hate to say this, but I look back on my BDSM relationship and I have done that with most people I have been involved with - play partners to long term D/s - M/s relationships. I assess their limits. And then when it comes time to play and they ask what I desire I tell them things that will be possible for them and enjoyed by them hoping some of my desires get fulfilled. So I guess I manipulate the situation - not that I am getting what I want exactly but that I at least get something I desire - maybe touching my masochism a little. I think part of me doesn't want to express my true desires because I know I won't get them. It has happened so much that I just now go for something that they desire so I am not disappointed. No one ever gets near my limits so just easier to asses their limits and work from them.

I wish I could just find someone that has the same desires as me. To use me and abuse me. I wish that I wouldn't have to "suggest" only things they would desire just to be able to get some masochistic desires fulfilled. I wish I could let all the fantasies out. I wish I could experience SM like I once did....rough, dangerous and on the edge. I hope to feel that blackness envelope me again.

Love needed to submit?

Over on one of the FetLife groups there is the age old question: do you need love to submit.

I think way back to Don and I didn't love him. I felt devotion that was driven by lust from the idea of submission and SM. But I didn't love him and I didn't trust him. From the first moment with him I knew there was something I shouldn't trust about him but it didn't stop me from jumping in. I was enthralled with the feelings that he brought out in me. It wasn't love though.

Then with my ex-husband I introduced D/s to him and it freaked him. But love came before the D/s. Maybe love caused problems for him because he often said that because he loves me he shouldn't want to do the things he did to me.

Okay so then the relationships up to being Master's....

First one after my husband -- it was enthrallment as it was my first time pursuing D/s and SM fully after my marriage so it was that sub frenzy thing going on where I just wanted to experience it all. My cunt was guiding me to submit not love.

And really I have to say all my relationships since - the D/s and M/s has come before love has come into the relationship. My relationship right before Master wasn't about love at all. The man didn't even really care for me other then that I submit that is all that mattered to him. And it was a very pure form M/s for me. There wasn't love mixed in so there wasn't really emotions mixing up my submission. It made it easier for me to submit actually.

After MC, I met Master and I desired to be his property and serve him before we loved each other. I do love him and he loves me. And on top of that we were romantic types....we like to hold hands, snuggle and kiss. We like candlelight dinners and leaving each other little love notes. It was nice to be with someone who was romantic because I hadn't had romance in my life in a long time.

The over all thing I notice in my relationships (serious and and long term relationships) is that I submit before I love the person. I might care for them, I might feel lust for them but not love when I first submit. I think love, affection and emotional attachment grows over time. I think it is normal state that comes from the devotion and dedication I have as a slave serving. I would say I desire love for long term relationships but what I need more is the dynamic to be in place and feel my sense of devotion to being property and a slave before love enters the relationship.

Master and I wouldn't be in this relationship together if we didn't have the type of dynamic we do. If he or I wanted to stop the D/s and M/s, then we would most likely "break-up" despite loving each other. We need the dynamic that is how we work.

Have a Happy....

I got some free samples in the mail for a well known name brand of pads and pantiliners.....but the packaging....Oh my....

"Pad meets wipe for good, clean fun."
"There are many pads to happiness"
"Have a happy period. And a happier month with pantiliners"

So go out and have a happy period ladies!

Drinking His Urine

A journal entry from Monday, July 29, 2002

Last night I woke up with a dream......

He was telling me to open my mouth to accept his urine but I shook my head no. He slapped me and told again to open my mouth and accept his urine. I said no. I am not quite sure why my dreams often have me being insolent when in an actually in day to day serving and life as a slave -- I am not insolent at all. Anyway, he then told me I would not get another drink of *anything* that day for refusing to drink his urine. And again I was insolent and just said, "okay fine." I was stubborn and thought going without drinking would be just fine. So of course all day the things he had me eat made me want have a drink. A peanut butter sandwich being one, pasty mac-n-cheese and spicy food. All the while he laughed at me for being stubborn. I tried to put on a sweet smile like it wasn't a big deal but of course he could see through it. But in the end I beg for his urine. Begging for drink. I was allowed to drink. But still was punished for being insolent.

So most of the time when I do dream about being "bad" in a dream - I wake up feeling guilty and upset. But this time I woke up extremely turned on and promptly masturbated myself into endless orgasms.

Sex Meme

I am answering these based on what I consider my firsts. And again this meme is taken from padme amidala.

The first time I heard about sex, I thought it was...exciting. I was very young. And the thought just took my breath-away.

My first experience with self stimulation was...again very young. I don't remember the first time but I do remember at my grandparents house rubbing myself against the the foot board of the bed. It had craving to make it have bumps on it so straddling it and rubbing against it felt good. I also knotted this rope and rubbed against the knot.

The furthest I have ever gone in a parked car was...all the way. All sorts of sex and sm in a parked car.

The first method of contraception I ever used was... condoms.

When a man tells me a dirty joke, it usually makes me...blush. But really depends on the joke.

The first time I had an orgasm, I thought I was...naughty but it felt so good.

The grossest person I have ever shared a bed with was...a client. Consensually grossest was a client when I was an escort that just didn't smell very good and liked to suck my feet -- I hate my feet being touched.

The rottenest thing I ever did to escape having sex was...told the truth that I didn't want to have sex with the person. I could see that it hurt his feelings. But I am not a very good liar.

The excuse I most often hear for not making love is... that I really don't hear excuses from Master - anymore (now that he works at home). When he was doing his other job he was too tired at times. In my marriage -- my ex-husband would tell I was a nympho and he didn't think we should be having so much sex because it was wrong. (shaking head and rolling eyes)

My favorite method of flirting is......hmm haven't flirted in a long time. It is a look...with eyes and smile.

The most I have ever "come on" with a girlfriend's man was... - I haven't. Maybe flirted but nothing more and nothing more then my girlfriend has been comfortable with...at least I hope. I can't think of ever coming on to a friend's man. At least not friends that were monogamous.

I believe I am dressed the sexiest when I am wearing... just an man's dress shirt maybe paired with heels. (the key phrases in this were "I believe" -- I feel the sexist dressed this way. But I know Master's clothing fetishes really don't align with that although this morning I got out of the shower and put on a man's dress shirt and he said that I looked very sexy in it.

If I ever surprised my man in the act of self-stimulation, I would probably... ask him what he wants me to do stay and join in or go.

If I were to describe male sexual equipment in one word, it would have to be...delicious!

The thought of making love to two men at the same time really makes me... umm a bit turned on. :)

If I were to estimate how often I fantasize about making love to a strange man, it would be...not often. I fantasize about Master and then very rarely a past lover but really if it is not Master it is most likely one of my clients from when I was an escort.

If my friends all decided to skinny dip, I would probably...join in - it just depended on the friends.

If my mate and I were sharing a hotel room with another couple who started to make love, I would probably... do what Master wanted. Playing with another couple though could be very fun!

If on a first date the subject of birth control came up, I would...talk about it to decide what we would do if in that situation. And if not brought up I would probably bring it up. I am all about safe sex!

While making love to my mate, I sometimes fantasize about... nothing because I am usually just enjoying the moment - the feelings and sensations.

If a stripper gave me the opportunity to remove his/her last piece of clothing I would...take my time and enjoy the moment.

If I were to wear a costume to make love, I would dress as...a naughty schoolgirl

If my lover agreed to wear a costume of my choice before making love, I would choose...a police uniform or military uniform not even dress just everyday.

The wildest sexual aid I have ever used was... nothing that wild...at least to me. I think most of my sex aids have been pretty "normal" things that people try out - cucumbers, candles, handle of paddle or brush, shampoo bottle. I have used ben gay, breath drops, toothpaste and mouth wash too.

The most pleasure I have ever had with a foreign object was...shampoo bottle - just the circumstances surrounding it made it very exciting and pleasurable.

The last sexual request I refused was..., I believe a blow job because I couldn't breath due to allergies (and didn't really refuse just gave Master the facts and he changed things up then).

The last sexual request someone refused me was...probably before Master or when we were first together and he denied orgasms.

The thought of making love during pregnancy makes me... glad I am not pregnant.

The thought of making love during "that time of the month" leaves me... with mixed feelings. I am incredibly turned on but at times the thought of sex when I am bleeding heavy just doesn't sound like fun.

My favorite fantasy involving a hot tub is... that I really don't have fantasies involving hot tubs. Just regular bathtubs well...of course I do.

My favorite fantasy involving a romantic location is...being up in the mountains in a cabin/condo with a fire going in the fireplace. Sipping wine and just having a nice romantic evening with Master.

My favorite fantasy involving a famous man is... or has been about Joseph Gorden Levitt because of that GQ layout. And any of the poses he did with Claudia I would be happy to do.

My favorite fantasy involving a man I know (who isn't my mate) is...replaying some experiences with clients when I was an escort.

My favorite fantasy involving a woman I know is...replaying experiences with a past lover or two.

The last time a man tried to pick me up was...hmmm I don't know....does online count? I had a weird mix up with my business cards and the man was obviously trying to pick me up.

My favorite fantasy involving sex in a public place is...again replying experiences I have had in public places.

The most public place I ever made love was...in the car at a drive in movie theater. I mean the most people around. But I have had sex bent over the hood of the car a few times too but that has been at times when it would highly unlikely to run into people.

When I finally lost my virginity, I was....16 (consensually lost my virginity). I was tied up and spanked too!

I think the maximum number of men I am physically capable of making love to in a single day is... quite a few. When I was younger it was even more. But I think probably 4. When I was an escort, I had sex with 3 clients in one day (I actually didn't like more then 1 but did do 2 at times). And then came home and had sex with a lover too. I have also had sexual intercourse with one man about 10 times in a 24 hour period. When I was young, I participated in what is called a train....one guy after another. And there were probably about 8 to 10 guys. But that wasn't completely a great experience (longer story then I have brain power for right now.)

I really like having a tongue stuck in my...in my mouth.

I really hate having a tongue stuck in (between) my...toes but I also am not a fan of tongue in my ear.

Is there a Lost & Found of Blog Posts?

When I am just about to drift off to sleep I think of things I want to blog about but of course I can't remember any of it in the morning! Well hopefully the deeply profound insights I had at 3am will come back. (yeah I know that they weren't deeply profound - I was being a little sarcastic.)

Information Overload

Okay so....
I am on FetLife as danae (which is my current obsession)
I am on Livejournal as danaewhispering and have an icon community unexpectedbox, help mod dinner_ideas because you know I love all things domestic.
I have a tumblr - as danaewhispering
I have a twitter as danaewhispering
I am on My Dungeon Space as danae (although I don't sign in there very often)
And I am on The Slave Register as danaewhispering (which is now Seek Discipline too - not sure I am understanding why/how yet and I haven't signed in there -- in a while -- well I did tonight to remember if I was danae or danaewhispering.)

Anything else? OMG is that enough? As I titled this Information Overload!

2 Announcements

One on a play going on and the other to support a gay storyline on a soap opera....

1. I nabbed this from cunningminx

It's the stage version of The Ethical Slut and it just opened at the Broom Street Theater in Madison, Wisconsin. Writer/director John Sable has created a live theater version of this poly classic, now playing at Madison’s Broom Street Theater, May 2-June 8, 2008

Carol and Chris are the typical middle-class urban couple. They’re married. They’re in love. The each have a girlfriend on the side. Adapted from “The Ethical Slut” by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, Multiple O tells the story of one couple’s mis-adventures as they learned how to create a healthy non-monogamous lifestyle the hard way - by making every mistake in the book.

This show contains significant amounts of nudity and sexual content. No one under 18 will be admitted.


2. As the World Turns has a gay plot line. And I am THRILLED they that do as it is a soap opera that I grew up on as my Mom and Grandma watched/watch it. Noah and Luke have gained some attention and been called repulsive and immoral which is just silly. The American Family Association wants Proctor & Gamble to stop the story line. P&G has a phone poll to ask if they should keep it or get rid of it and even if you don't watch the show I would like to ask that people call and do the poll. It is touch button you don't have to talk to anyone. Just call 1-800-331-3774 and press #2 to get to the As the World Turns poll, then press #1 to continue the storyline. Thank you!

Sex Preferences

Meme taken from padme amidala

1. Sex in the Morning or Sex at Night? I prefer sex in the afternoon. But between sex in the morning or night.....I like night better.

2. Better Sex Music - Sade or Marvin Gaye? Both...I like both - I admit it. Though we usually have SM play before sex so most of the time it is something that is harder or with a beat that is good for spanking.

3. Naughty Pics or Naughty Home Videos? Naughty pics

4. Fabulous Sex With: Dr. Doug Ross or Dr. Greg House? I don't know who Dr. Doug Ross is....is that George Clooney on ER? Well anyway I know it wouldn't be Dr. House - I don't watch house but did once and I didn't like him.

5. Vibrator or Dildo? Vibrator....I heart my Hitatchi

6. Bedroom Sex: Lights Off or Lights On? I much prefer lights off and candles going but afternoon sex is my preference so no lights just natural light from windows. But if I am having sex at night...I would prefer some light. Not too bright but I like to see what we are doing.

7. Word Preference: Pussy or Cunt? Pussy....although I don't have a problem with either word. I just like pussy better then cunt.

8. Spanking Over the Knee or Spanking Only During Sex? How about spanking anytime - anyway! :) I never liked spankings until Master. Oh the love of a drummer.

9. More Exciting: Sex in an Elevator or Sex in an Aeroplane? I stole this meme from padme and I am with her sex in elevator - as the size of the bathroom on an airplane umm no...I can't picture sex in the teeny tiny bathrooms. I have never had sex in an elevator though - spankings, heavy making out, slapped, punched but not sex. Just lots of yummy foreplay.

10. Ron Jeremy or Peter North? Peter North. Although neither do really anything for me.


11. Word Preference: Cock or dick? Cock

12. Linda Lovelace or Jenna Jameson? Jenna Jameson - I think my ex-husband had some pornos with her in them. He seemed to like her.

13. Rope Bondage or Bondage Tape? Rope bondage but I do enjoy the bondage tape too. But rope bondage is something that I REALLY REALLY enjoy!

14. Give Rim Job or Receive Anal Sex? Anal sex....although I have enjoyed giving and receiving rim jobs.

15. Get Rich Stripping in a Skanky Bar or Get Rich as a Call Girl for Celebs? Call girl....already done that and enjoyed it.

16. Which Threesome - Boy/Girl/Girl or Boy/Boy/Girl? I have been with multiple men at once but that was years and years and years ago. And it is something I would like to re-experience but I don't think that will happen. I think boy/girl/girl is easier for me as well as fun too!

17. Flavored Oil or Tingling Oil? Tingling oil - - although anything sticky like either of the choices aren't as fun as they usually sound.

18. Pearl Necklace or Swallow? I enjoy both but I would have to say pearl necklace has become really something I enjoy. Not really pearl necklace in the "official" meaning of it. But I just like wearing Master's cum. Feeling it on me.

19. Sex While Strangers Watch or Sex With a Stranger? I have done sex with strangers in the past and enjoyed. I have had sex while strangers watched too. But I have to say sex with a stranger is easier for me then having a stranger watch. But what sounds even more fun is watching Master with someone....stranger or a "friend."

20. Tied to the Bed or to a St Andrew’s Cross? Both please but I think I like being tied to the bed more. Because I know where that is going to end up. :)