Crawling on my Belly

I woke up this morning from a dream. But it was a dream that actually happened to me in real life many many years ago. I remembered I wrote about it so dug it out....this is from November 2002....

My hands were still shaking when you said you were done with me. You just got done fucking me in the ass, got up and went to the bathroom like I wasn't even there. When you came back, you said, "Get dressed. I am done with you." Just like I was property. Like I was a toaster and you had toasted your bread so were done with the toaster. Except I am human so you had to tell me you were done with me instead of putting me away. You used me and were done with me.

The box spring and mattress were on the floor where I sat on the edge fumbling to get my stocking and garter belt straight. You had me leave them on during our time and they were twisted. My fingers would almost get tangled into the stockings because I was shaking. The fear and violence of what had just happened to me still hung on to me since it was just moments ago that you were just punching me, spitting on me and calling me names. Brutally taking my ass and all the while making fun of me because I was so wet that you could smell me in the room.

I pulled my blouse on and start to button it. I missed a button and you laugh at me and tell me how stupid I am that I can't even button my shirt. You come to stand in front of me. You pull my hair so I am looking up at you. "You know you are a worthless stupid cunt, d...," He says. He added my name to the end. My real name. He knows how to get to me. Putting my name with the insult - making sure I hear it and know it was me he was talking to. Hearing it brings tears to my eyes. He release my hair, laughs and walks away. He tells me to hurry that I am being too slow. I finish getting dressed and am standing - not sure where to look or what to do. If someone would have asked me to count to 10 - I am not sure I could have - I was still so shaken.

"On your knees." He yells at me. I fall to my knees before he barely had finished it. He tells me I will crawl to the door. That I am more lowly then an animal that walks on four legs. He tells me to crawl low so that my fat belly hits the floor. I follow him to the door almost dragging my body along the floor knowing my skirt and blouse are getting dirty with the dust on the floor. But I don't care as my mind and body just obey him. We stop next to the door. He kicks my side and makes me lay down on the floor. He keeps on kicking me. I don't move and just take it. I have my body and face pressed to the floor. I feel tears welling up in my eyes. He brings his foot to my face and presses the bottom of his shoe into my face. He tells me that he walked the dog the other day and walked through dog shit. He tells me I am a worthless piece of shit and so I should have dog shit rubbed into my face. He goes on to tell me that maybe he should have me rub dog shit all over my body so that when I walk down the street people would smell me and know I am a worthless piece of shit. He is still grinding his foot into my face as he goes on and on how I am a worthless piece of shit. He releases my face and has me tell him that I am a worthless piece of shit over and over again. And then he says, "You may get up and leave you worthless piece of shit."

I walk out the door and down the steps to my car. My legs are shaking. The tears are barely being held in. And still I feel the throbbing between my legs. I want an orgasm so badly. He doesn't give me those but allows me to masturbate as much as I want. It will take me an hour to get to home. I drive for a bit but I can't wait to jerk off. I pulled over into a park that I know that has some secluded parking areas. I pulled my pocket rocket from my bag (I am like a boyscout always be prepared) and masturbate there in the car. I replay every moment of the day in my head. I come so hard that I thought I might have squirted on myself. But I didn't. I was just very wet from all my time with him and replaying it all that my thighs are stickily soaked.

He hurt me - with violence physical, emotional and mental. Breaking me down. He gets inside and turns the truth out to me. It wasn't nice and pretty. It wasn't normal SM play with floggers, whips and chains. He didn't use bondage. He forces me to make the choice of standing there and taking it. But in my mind it is like there is no choice. Some part of me obeys and wants to obey to every things he does to me no matter how much it hurts, how humiliating and degrading it is - I would crawl to him on my belly willingly knowing he will spit on me and tell me I am a stupid worthless piece of shit. And I will come back for more. Again and again. Turned on with anticipation.

Words...Part 5

I have been doing this meme with some friends where they give me 5 words that come to mind to describe me and then I write about the words.

So here are some of the words I have been given and my thoughts on them....

Slavery - The meaning of slavery for me hasn't changed really over the years but the understanding of it has a lot. For me being a slave means to be owned and under the authority of another. What all that entailed I don't think I got until being with Master. I mean my previous long term M/s relationship really introduced me to service. But it really didn't give me an understanding of being owned at least not in this sense it has with Master. Master has this presence in my life that makes me feel as though this life is inescapable. Not that I want to escape but it is just the feeling of having no other choice but to serve and obey...to be his property. I didn't quite feel that before - in the other relationship...it was a conscious choice to obey, serve and stay.

Basement-Dweller - The lovely lady that gave me these words and her handsome husband gave me shelter in more ways then just being their basement-dweller. I am ever grateful for their compassion and generosity to open their home to me. Although I was going through a horrible time - depression eating me away big time - I still have many fond memories of living with them.

Depression - I really can look back and see it ever present in my life. Even 4 years old I remember having it. Although I had many happy times and good memories there was that ever presence underneath that didn't see anything good. It also runs in my family - back several generations it can be traced.

I didn't get help for my depression though until in my mid-20's. I was put on prozac and it was a horrible experience. I mean yes it helped me come up out of the darkness but it turned all my emotions off. I remember my Mom calling me to tell me one of her Aunt's died and I was just like "okay." I didn't get upset or feel anything. It also messed with my sexuality too - making me not ever be interested in sex and when we had sex - it was hard for me to orgasm. I went off them about 4 years later and feel I have had long term side-affects because of the prozac. Memory loss from it being the biggest thing.

Several years ago - I was having a really bad run of the depression. I started taking wellbutrin. Master saw an improvement in almost a weeks time. And I haven't had the horrible side-affects. I feel my emotions but they don't drag me all over the place or hang on and on and on. And it didn't turn my sexuality off - thank goodness!

When I went back to visit family, I was very annoyed by their judgment of anti-depressants. My Dad encouraged my Mom to stop taking her anti-depressant. He doesn't want her "addicted" to them. I tried to give my Mom another example for it - she is diabetic and I said do you think he would tell you to go off your diabetic meds so you don't get addicted to them? She said she understood but I could see she really was thinking it wasn't the same thing. They don't view depression as the same as having another disease. Depression is all my head - not real and not really physical illness. They think if I really tried I could "get better." Luckily - as an adult now I don't give a damn what they think. And I can say that. I can say that I will be on meds as long as I need them. They help me and it is a better quality of life with them then without.

Happiness - I think for a long time I felt like I didn't deserve to be happy. That there was something bad or wrong with me so I didn't get to be happy. I also think I thought happiness was something different then I view it now. I think I thought happiness was a state of feeling good and everything being smiley. But obviously that isn't a state of being that can be maintained all day everyday - so not realistic. Basically I now view happiness as a state of contentment with myself and my path. And that I have that thankfully.

Integrity - I think a lot of people throw this word around as part of their "code" but don't really do what it means. I don't use this word when I describe things I live by. And it isn't because I don't think I have integrity. I just think it is a word that is used and not lived so it doesn't have as much meaning to me anymore.

do they hold onto your ID?

A question over at FetLife....about if your Owner holds your id.

My answer...
Master has my bank card, my drivers license, my ss card and other cards that have my name on them - such as my library card.

Master first took control of those things - for control. But over time it became a convinces to him also. As I don't carry a purse because everywhere I go - I am with him. It was his decision that I don't carry a purse. So if I need my library card - he is there with me to give that card to me. If I need to show id, he is there with me to show it.

The only time I get those things back in my possession are when I am traveling without him. Such as I just went to spend two weeks with my family without him so he gave me drivers license and bank card just before he dropped me off at the airport.

I feel again he has done this because of control - he likes control. And I liked to be controlled. It is arousing to me. I remember how it felt handing those things over for the first time when I moved in. I still get little shivers thinking about it.

Also for us - nothing belongs to me - I am his property so everything I came with, that I had is now his. So that id and all those cards are his. He can do with them what he wants. And he wants them in his control.

Punching

Someone I was with before Master was really into punching me, it wasn't something we talked about at all before hand. He just did it. There was an unexpected violence and brutality to it that in the end turned me on - made me into a puddle of goo. It makes me want to fight back and crawl away, but inside something can't wait for the next time. I can't wait to feel that next punch.

This man did punch me in the face at times. I ended up  bruises sometimes - a puffy split lip, a black eye, and bruises on my cheeks. He pretty much just used me as a punching bag. He would not tie me or restrain, but just tell me to stand and take it. If I moved it - of course he would get harder. So I learned to stand and take it.

Master punches me also. We went to a class at an event (Thunder in the Mountains) about punching and kicking. The rest of the weekend was all about punching for Master. I had bruises on my arms because we would be walking down the hall and he would just punch me in the arm. He would grind his knuckles in and make the bruises worse. It would often cause bruised muscle tissue. When he punches my ass or my cunt there is no surface bruise, but damn it hurts.

Master has punched me in the face. He has caused a split lip. It turned me on while he did it even though I wanted to fight to turn away. It turned me on after running my tongue over it. Feeling it and knowing how it was made - the force and brutality.

It feels violent although consensual. The fear that comes with it - all if turned me on. I want to fight and yet there is that piece inside me is like please more because I need it.Thankful that Master enjoys punching me because I do like the brutality of it.

Jack McGeorge

Please take a look at http://lolitasir.livejournal.com/505273.html for donations, funeral arrangements and information about the passing of Jack McGeorge.

A Service Book of Days

I have been wanting to participate in namaste's Book of Days. But have never had the time to sit down to do it. I decided to make a few minutes available to join in.

If you want to join in, I suggest you go to this entry that has it listed for easy cut and paste. And explains a little about it.

Outside my window... (weather, what do you hear, what do you see?) It is a Sunny, hot day

my thoughts... are preparing Master and myself to go out of town for work: making lists, gathering things and packing

Today's Quote... “Our thoughts create our reality -- where we put our focus is the direction we tend to go.” ~ Peter McWilliams

i am thankful for...for getting a good night sleep last night - after having several nights in a row where I couldn't sleep well.

From my service training... (any skills, training etc; notes you want to share this week) - this week will be about organization. Lists, keeping track of all Master's equipment, set up and take down.

From the kitchen... (menu for the week, what are you cooking?) Since we will be out of town this week - nothing on the menu except for tonight. Tonight we are having brats on the grill and baked beans

i am wearing... t-shirt and panties

i am creating... (crafts, sewing etc;) - Mail Love: I sent out thank you notes today for people who have been especially kind to me.

my adventures this week... (where are you going this week?) Denver

Becoming well read... (What are you reading this week?) Martha Stewart's Encyclopedia of Crafts: An A-to-Z Guide with Detailed Instructions and Endless Inspiration and Dragonfly Amber by Diana Gabaldon

i manifest and co-create... (what are your hopes, dreams, and prayers this week) I hope to have and help create a smooth week without a lot of bumps in the road

Todays Melody... (what music are you listening to? even if it's just the sound of a bird...) Master's voice on the phone - but was listening to U2

One of my favorite things... sending out mail love, finding the perfect birthday card for a dear friend, photos of my family

further plans for this week... Just keeping focused and organized for this busy week ahead of Master and I

Still....life (share a picture you've taken OR a picture you found online that speaks to you)
A photo I took on my trip...

July Round Up

What’s been happening with the Domestic Servitude blog this past month? Here's a quick snapshot of our July posts. Take a moment to read some of the posts below and feel free to share your thoughts as a comment on the individual post!

Recipes:

• Butternut Squash-Apple Soup and Squash Casserole - with gardens producing a variety of vegetables Jouet shares 2 squash recipes.
• Stuffed Pasta Shells - Having a huge pile of spinach I looked to see what I could make with it and turned to a classic

Links:

• July having 5 weeks gave us 5 Friday Favorites posts.
• The Perfect Burger - Jouet shares an article from the NY Time on to make the perfect burger
• Flag Folding - Several links on flag folding
• Organization and Freebies - Princess Mandy shares a list of useful links for organization.
• When Fate Hands You A Lemon, Clean With It - kaya shares some tips about lemons from Frugal Families
• The American Historic Cookbook Project - katie posts an amazing link that gives a collection of old cookbooks scanned and available to browse via PDF

Book Reviews:

• What to Drink with What you Eat - I think this is an essential book for those of us serving but also those of us that enjoy wine.
• Betty Crocker Cookbook - review of a classic
• The Flavor Bible - The title fits this book perfectly. It is a book that helped me become a better cook.

Special Interest/Assorted/Random posts:

• Making House guests Comfortable and Welcome - Essay I wrote for Simply Service about things to do to make your house guests relaxed and enjoy their stay with you
• Jouet, kaya and myself answer a question sent to us by a reader - Tackling your to-do list by Jouet, What To Do When You Don't Know What To Do by kaya and Getting Started by me
• A Month of Menus - I share as the title suggests a month of menus
• Packing Lunch - katie shares her plan for packing lunch and also shares a recipe

Mad Men

So I started watching Mad Men. I had never seen it. I got season 1 via NetFlix. And I am really enjoying it. It amuses me some of the things they say about women - and at the same time sometimes what they say titillates me too.

My sisters were talking about how they had to catch up on some Mad Men episodes that they recorded. And I said I hadn't seen it yet but had it on my Netflix queue. And my little sister said, "I think YOU will REALLY like it." The way she said I knew there was something behind her thinking. And I asked her why. And she said, "well...the men are....well....domineering."

I don't hate my life

I just finished The Reunion - again. And this time I have a ton of little flags sticking out. Usually when I read a book - the first time I just read it. And if it is a book I read the second time then I stop to put flags in bits and pieces I want to remember. And this quote it one of those that I flagged.

Robin discussing her life in service to Chris Parker on the plane to Ireland....

"It was everything you said, everything you wrote, about the balance between owner and owned, the sense of knowing your place in the world and the strength that comes from that. Oh, I guess there were some days when I hated the workload, or I was just exhausted - but I never hated my life."

Aching

When I get home from being away, Master usually is pretty light on me. Because I usually have some problems with re-entry. And this time really isn't any different. Well it was but for different reasons. This time I didn't crash emotionally like I usually do. I just suffered altitude sickness. And so we hadn't really played yet....that is until this morning. And Oh my did we play! My limbs are feeling like limp noodles and aching nicely still this evening from the SM. Our morning included bondage, Master flogging my pussy, using the baton all over my body, filled with a vibrating dildo and the hitachi used on me at the same time, hood, chopstick nipple clamps and much more.

It was an interesting twist for Master to use the hood on me towards the end of our play. He put it on me and then told me to shush. And I laid very still and became his doll. He just stroked my pvc covered head. And made me just seem like an inanimate object - his doll to use to get off. It was an interesting head space.

I even have marks! Which is usually not the case. I have red marks and bruising on my left breast. That nipple also hurts - just rubbing against my t-shirt.

It is good to be home!

Home Again Home Again

Back but having problems on re-entry. Altitude is kicking my ass. So it might be a few days before I post or get it together enough to make a real post. But I am alive and had a great time with my family the last 2 weeks.