Thursday, March 18, 2010

March Questions: Poly

my Master and i are thinking about bringing another slave into our life.. do you have any do's and dont's for a poly relationship?

Okay these are what work for me and I know not all of them will work for others. Your relationship might not be seeking the same kind of poly set up that we are looking for - a triad. So some of these are general poly tips but some will be geared towards triads. And I am sure I come across negative against d-types but s-types do the same things. I am just wording them from my point of view - my experiences. So all of this can apply to the s-type.

* Really search yourself. Know if you are ready for poly or even want to explore poly. And be honest about it. If you don't think you are poly, say it. Just because I am submissive doesn't mean I shouldn't voice my issues. And I have seen many s-types that just follow without saying I don't think I am poly. It is okay to not be poly. Just be honest with yourself and your dominant/partner.

* Be open and honest. If you are having any problems, issues, concerns, reservations - EXPRESS them. If you aren't communicating it, then you can't work through it. And of course the reverse is true too - if the d-type has issues or concerns. Even if it is that you have had to unload the dishwasher the last 3 times even though it was her turn. Yes it sounds like sibling issues. But it still matters that you be honest and discuss it. (I will get into something about this morning down below.)

A few d-types have said to me when I tell them the above...."well she just goes on and on and on about this and that." And well although I know it can get tiresome/bothersome - it seems like so little to me to help your s-type be more secure in exploring poly. By talking about it as much as is needed. Because the more she feels secure the more lasting poly relationship you will have. And if the d-type is really pushing this issue - that he is done talking about it - it would give me red flags. Now I know this isn't the case always. But in my experience if this happens then I feel there are bigger problems in the relationship going on.

For d-types be honest too - if you are just wanting to explore poly for sex. Say it. Nothing wrong with just wanting to have sex with others - but again be honest. Also be honest about what is going on with you and the other person - if you went and saw the other person and played be honest. Yes I have heard well I didn't want to her feelings to be hurt - but hurting her feeling verses lying - what is the bigger problem here? Lying always. Hurt feelings can be worked through by communicating and being honest upfront. Lying and her finding out is a harder one to overcome as you are setting up long term trust issue from then on.

* If you are having problems in your relationship, it is my opinion to not start searching for another to add to the relationship. Poly isn't a fix it. It is just like a vanilla couple having a kid - thinking it will bring them closer. Poly can bring you closer but that usually happens when a couple has a strong foundation in the first place. Or during new relationship energy - but after that fades away the problems will come back up. And often if you are thinking poly is a fix it - bringing another in will just make those problems bigger and more complex or out of control.

* Make sure you talk about how you want things to go and problems that might come up for you both. Such as for us it is a must that we both meet the person at the same time. The reasoning for us is that it starts out on the same footing. If Master meets the person first, then I am coming in late to the party. They have had that first meeting getting out the jitters and they are more casual and comfortable with each other and then I am the odd man out feeling uncomfortable and will most likely feel like a third wheel. And if I met her first then it might feel that way for Master. (The hardest thing to deal with for me is here.)

* Group meetings dates are good, but remember to get to know the person on your own too. I think it is important for each person to have a bond and relationship with the new person. In one of my past poly relationship, the other s-type and I had lots of one on one time but I wasn't getting hardly anyway one on one time with the d-type. So it felt very unbalanced. Especially in a power dynamic.

Now some D/s geared advice...
* Respect the relationship flow. If he is the one in control - then he is the one in control. And respect that flow of power. If the "primary" submissive is giving the new submissive orders then it can be very confusing. There is a difference between helping and making suggestions and ordering. Just make sure the motivation to truly help and give suggestions.

* Also if he gives an order and it goes against how you do something then go discuss it with him if you don't like it - don't take it out on her. I have a post somewhere about how I read a post from a submissive who was fuming how the submissive put away laundry wrong and how it would make more work for her. But also even if she just was helping out and trying to serve by doing laundry because the slave was at work - that still was no excuse to yell at her. It would be better to go to the girl and tell her, "Master likes the laundry put away like this." OR if he has no preference it is just your preference say that. And tell her why. Tell her, "It is easier that pants go over here as those are the first thing Master grabs."

* Also use judgment when going to your owner to talk about problems with her. Because maybe you should just be going to her. If the dishes aren't getting done, maybe go to her and ask her if there is anything wrong as you had noticed that dishes hadn't been done by her for 2 times and is there anything you can do to help her. If it is a reoccurring problem then I would say it is time for the owner to step in. But remember we are all adults and should act like it. So it shouldn't be one running to the Master (Dad) telling on her (sister).

* This is for when the other moves in....if she moves in make sure you allow her to make it her home too. This is always Master's home first of course. But many things Master just allows me to use my best judgment. He doesn't care how the kitchen is organized because I am the one using it the most. When someone new joins us, they might have different way to many things - such as organizing the kitchen. And she should have some say in it. And I will need to be open to that her ways might be better then mine. So discuss on how to decorate, arrange and organize together - compromise. Also remember holidays - include her traditions too.

I am sure there are many things I am missing at this moment. But I would talk to others that have poly relationships. There are quite a few poly groups on FetLife too. And also remember some things that are musts for us aren't for you. And the power flow might be set up different too so there are many things that can be different for you and yours. Sometimes it is just making do with the best of your abilities. Talk talk talk is really what is about - as with everything.

I have written about poly quite a bit - our website has several links.

March Question Month - Please remember you can ask me anything. The how-to's are here.

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