Horoscope...not from my usual place though.....

Sometimes the more you try to ignore a pain, the more intense it becomes. It might not be the pain itself that you're resisting but the change that it implies. Focus on the cause of the discomfort rather than the sensation itself and you'd be surprised at how much you can learn. Learning to win means learning to play with the cards in your hand.

I have had a busy weekend. :)

Friday night Moni got some friends together to celebrate my birthday. We went to dinner and then went and have a private little party at the space. The person I have been kind of seeing was at both.

I had a very nice time yet was very nervous because he was there. I knew everyone would kind of be “watching us.” And so it was a little nerve racking.

But I was very happy to be spending my birthday with good friends.

At the space…he would use an implement on me hard and then stop and we would sit and talk and then he would use something else on me. I have lots of bruises. He used toys that were the most sever. He use most the full force...even though he was holding himself back in how hard He plays. I have bruises scattered all over my body.

There are things he and I talk about that seem really on it. And then there is something else there that makes me question what I am doing. I was talking to someone last night that was at my party on Friday night. I was worried she was upset with me. She is someone I really respect and look up to. I value her opinion a lot. I value all my friends’ opinions but she is a Dominant and I needed that perspective. Specifically her perspective. Her issues were clear and I understood them. And it has given me lots to think about.

Last night….

I am not even sure what I write about last night. It was SMART and we had someone come in and talk that I respect and admire. His topic was very interesting. He is a very interesting man and I had trouble relaxing around him. I felt like….I was going to screw something up. And I hate when I get that way. But I understand why I felt that way. I want something and he is the only one that can grant me permission to have it.

I got a very cool birthday present from him. I hope to feel it used on me sometime soon. It is a strap. I suppose I should ask if I can use his name here and put his website on my links because he makes very good quality leather goods. Actually they are so good that when I have given gifts…lifestyle gifts….his products are what I give.

I am very upset with myself about a few things….you would think this submissive thing would get easier as the years go on lol

Last night I felt compelled to do something and I held back. Why? Because I was scared. Because I was scared of what it meant, how he would take it and what would happen then. So I did not hold myself up to my expectations of who I want to be…and that annoys me…it feel like an integrity issue almost. With Monseigneur E I finally have started getting that anytime I hold back that it was only harming me. But it is still a lesson that….I guess I am trying to get through this thick skull.

There are lots of things going on in my head. I don’t like that it is spinning all over the place today.

I think I have most of the blogger changes done…I am sure I will do some tweaking here and there. : ) Things I need to do is finish getting my archives up. And it is about that time for a cast list change. I think I am going to get rid of old names…those that I don’t mention anymore. There are a few of those names though that impacted my life enough that they will stay on that list always. And I will probably add a name or two.

This week actually has been really good for me - despite having my period and feeling like crap from it lol

I have felt very focused. I made a list of everything I need to get my butt in gear on. And I felt less stress this week. And I think it is due to my playing on Sunday. I know Saturday night playing helped too…Saturday was more for fun…and Sunday was more of a catharsis. I needed to go through what I did though on Sunday…kind of like a shedding of old skin.

I still have lots to work out in my life. I still want to submit to Monseigneur E but I believe fully that now is not the time. And if we get that chance ever…I am very unsure about. Linda and I talked the other night. She talked with me like her friend…like the friend I was before I submitted to her Master. And I was happy about that. I hope her and I move back to being friends like we were....before.

I sat here for about 5 mins wonder if I should have posted that. I hate that I go up and down about what I post about…I am neurotic : )

Well, I had been really depressed about my birthday but now I am kind of happy it is here…only thing that sucks is I started getting a cold yesterday and now it has hit me harder today. Moni is having a little party for me tonight and so I am hoping I feel better. I do feel a lot better then I did this morning and even before lunch. : )

So I do have a few topics I want to ramble about…

Slaves being burnt out…

It seems like so many slaves I talk to lately are burnt out. And not sure that is the right word for everyone. But so many are feeling very similar things and that is the closest thing I can compare it too. The pain I am feeling from the slaves I am talking is so intense. I remember how that felt to be in similar situation…and what to do for a solution just seems no where to be found.

How does a relationship not get to that point is what I want to know. And I am probably being judgmental… I put a lot of on the Master. Because it seems to me the Dominants don’t feel like putting the energy into giving that boost back to get the slave back out of that slump.

Last night we had a Girl’s Night Out (GNO) and it made me think of the first GNO I went to. I was owned…and I was just so relieved to be able to be with a bunch of women and not have to serve and not have to anticipate and be on it. I was able to wear panties, I was able to wear sweats, I was able to wear a t-shirt and I could just be…and I was so tired then…that it was like a mini-vacation even though it was only one night.

I mean isn’t that sad that one night meant so much to me?

Visible Mark – specifically facial bruising…

Okay next topic I am taking this personally I know I am …

I started a thread on a local list and I feel like got a little out of control. I started the topic and put myself out there...I just did not think I would be judged so by those who know me. It is silly but those on a national list were okay with it. Did not hear much back…but those that were local acted like I murdered someone.

I have bruises on my face. And I love them. It is not something I would want everyday. But they mean something to me.

Mostly people were upset I would expose children to my bruises. My argument being then…okay when I was moving I had boxes fall on me and I had a bruise on my forehead and lots of them on my body does that mean I hide from the world with those? Just because I got the bruises from play why does it make any difference?

The grocery store clerk is going to look at my bruises on my face right now and not think much differently then she would with the bruise I got from the box falling on me when I moved.

Also if the grocery store clerk thinks I am abused…so what. I am not and if she cares to ask I will be happy to say no I am not and that the bruises are okay with me. If I were to be questioned further…I am out and open about my lifestyle and I am happy to discuss it with others.

As far as exposing children…the children I am around have not said anything and if they would. I would assure them I am okay and if they thought it was from abuse I would again assure them I am okay. That no one is hurting me.

There were many more things said and all of them pretty much irritated me. And not that they irritated me because they disagreed with me, what got to me is that they made me seem like what I am doing is WRONG and what they are doing is RIGHT. And who is to judge that…in BDSM we all have our own kinks. I hate tickling. It is a limit. It goes back to my childhood and I so I hate to be tickled. I don’t tell anyone else they are wrong to be tickled. That it could traumatize them just because it is not good for me.

The Sadist put the bruises on my face was very controlled in how he did it. And did it very purposefully. It was done under the BDSM communities’ slogan – SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual). (I prefer RACK – Risk Aware Consensual Kink.)It wasn't out of control rage punching me. At least it didn't seem that way to me.

Next topic...Nick...

I got an email the other night from Nick after he read my journal. The email touched me. He expressed many things again that I did not know he felt. He ended up calling me the next day and we talked for a long time. He made me laugh and smile something he does very well.

I am going to need a name for the new person...even though he not new in my life. We have talked a little bit every day.

I think about what happened Sunday and it...scares me that when I think of it...it makes me feel good. And people read that probably think what are you complaining about that for...

Because what was done to me…was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. The whole time I was with him it was full of fear and my body reacted. I was so wet…I don’t know if I ever been that wet before. I felt it all over my thighs. But here I don’t get this...I was not turned on mentally...I felt the pain and fear. I just felt it permeate my whole body…as I curled into a little ball after punch, kick, slaps, zaps of electricity…everything he did to me made me fall over...and go into this emptiness of pain and fear. Only thing in that moment was him and the pain and the fear. I did not feel anything else in the moment. And for a girl whose mind and feelings don’t slow down…it was an incredible feeling.Just to feel those things. I know that must sound odd.

He humiliated me. And told me who I was…and made me *know* it through my body...


And I think of the pain and how I suffered and I crave it...crave to suffer again....

Why do I crave something like that again?

I remember when I first realize there words like painslut and masochist. It made me feel so much better about myself and not worry about that I liked pain so much. Made me stop trying to figure why I was this way...

And now I almost feel I am going through this all again… like I am new and experiencing pain for the first time...

I said it was shedding...I did I shed a layer of old skin....something I am not.... to expose the person I am more…not a person most would want to be…

But I want to be nothing so much...

Having It All

How can I achieve a relationship with M/s, love, compassion, and abuse? Is it possible? I know that when I think of what Don did to me, some things my ex-husband did to me, and now the Sadist does to me...I question if it can be achieved.

Every time I walk away from the Sadist, I am broken. Oh yeah, I am seeing him again. I need to put myself back together. But is it really putting myself back together or is it putting masks and layers on to pretend I am like everyone else. Pretend I am a good girl that likes to be treated like a princess? Oh please...a princess?   Only time I have liked playing princess is within my Daddy/little girl relationship with Kam.  But even then I wasn't princess, but just Daddy's good girl. But really that is a small part of my personality.  The fear, the brutality, the need to be abused, humiliated, and degraded, those are me. Those take up a huge part of who I am and I am sure it is the parts that make a few friends tell me I won't ever be a slave. That a slave doesn't need those things. A slave is about obedience and service. I am wired for both so why can't I be wired for obedience, service, the need to feel fear, abuse, brutality, humiliation and degradation - why can't I find a relationship with all that and love?

This song I am playing over and over today..........Sixpence none the Richer - Breath your name....

It's everyday I'm in this place
I feel this way; I feel the same.
It's everyday I'm in this place
I feel this way; I feel the same.
Is it all inside my head?
Is it all inside my head?

I view the list and take my pick;
I'll view my fate and make the choice,
'Cause it's nobody else's but mine.

But You're in my heart--I can feel your beat.
And You move my mind from beind the wheel
When I loose control,
I can only breathe Your name.
I can only breathe Your name.

So many days within this race...
I need the truth, i need some grace.
I need the (?) to find my place;
I need some truth, i need some grace.
The part of You that's part of me
Will never die, will never leave.
And it's nobody else's but mine.

You are in my heart--I can feel your beat.
And You move my mind from beind the wheel.
When I loose control,
I can only breathe your name;
I can only breathe your name.

You view the list and take your pick;
You view my fate and make the choice--
'Cause I'm nobody else's but Yours.

And You're in my heart--I can feel your beat...
And You move my mind from beind the wheel.
When I loose control,
I can only breathe Your name.
'Cause you're in my heart--I can feel Your beat,
And you move my mind from beind the wheel.
When I loose control,
I can only breathe your name...
I can only breathe your name...
I can only breathe your name...
I can only breathe your name.

Where this will take me

Well lets see where this takes me…

Okay nothing seems to want to come out today…sitting starring at the white blank document before me and all see are images from Sunday and then images that Monseigneur E has left me with after our conversations.

I look in the mirror and see the marks on my face. I feel good with them. I feel they allow me to be something I have wanted to be for so long. He is allowing me to be nothing. He believes I am. He showed me I am…and it felt very freeing. I was scared. My mind would go between should I run - because it is not “normal” to feel pain like this - it is not “normal” to let someone do what he did to me….and the other part of me felt so at home…like this was “normal” for me.

My mind….when I felt the zap of electricity on my soaking wet cunt…spun to a place of blankness. It was empty…of worries. It was just pain. I knew why I was feeling that kind of pain…I knew who I was… and where I belonged. My brain then would start to spin again and I would scream no more as the pain was like nothing I had ever felt before. It was pure pain. Not pleasure. No orgasm from it. No masochist needs being taken care of in that moment. But it did unlock something. I felt it. And yet I don’t want to feel that pain ever again. Do I?

I get to this place of thinking about what happened and want to beg him to let me serve him…and I hold myself back. Because I also don’t know if I am thinking clearly…am I rebounding? I mean it could be that I am…I feel I am still attached to Monseigneur E in ways but others feel like I had to let it go…to keep going forward.

As usual my life has taken an unexpected turn…and now I will have a new set of circumstances to work out. At least I am not on a roller coaster though…those are the worst! : )

The purpose of life is not to be happy. The purpose of life is to matter, to be productive, to have it make some difference that you lived at all. - Arthur H. Prince

I know the archives...listing is not lined up right....and not bold but I am too tired and will work on it tomorrow!

WOW….

Is pretty much the word I can say about this weekend…

Not sure what I will say about it and what I won’t.

I had a really intense weekend.

Friday - it was karaoke night. That was a nice evening. And then Saturday, I ran errands with Moni and then there was a play party. Lisa looked very HOT! Yummy! Bill put a rope bra on me :) And then he did a very nice flogging scene with me. He bought a new toy just because I liked it and he used it….and OHHHHHHHH MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY that toys is AWESOME! And Bill did SO GREAT with it :) I was a very happy masochist *smiles* I ended up with some bruises to from it! I really enjoyed him playing with me!

Then today I met someone for coffee (who I had already known for over a year and even played with before)…not sure what kind of coffee he got me – but it was not bad. And after that we went and played….

Right now I have bruises on my face, back, bottom, breasts and most of them are from today and a few from last night. (Side Note: I do not want mail being concerned about the bruises on the face…I knew the risk going into what I did today.)

Moni is a great friend…so non-judgmental and supportive. I came home with bruises on my face and she was okay with it. Not that she would ever want it but she knows *I* liked them.

Part of me did…the other part plays today over in my mind and can’t believe what happened really did. The pain I felt was not like anything I ever felt before. And not sure I ever want to feel it again. But I am glad it happened. As I type that…it scares the sh*t out of me.

The person I played with today then showed up tonight at the movie (went and saw Secretary will give a review tomorrow) – Moni, Michael, Katrina and I went to. And that REALLY surprised me. But they got to meet him and I was glad about that.

I really want to talk about the suffering the mental things that went on today but right now I am so tired I could not type coherently anyway. So, I will try to explain it more tomorrow.

ugghhhhhh

LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): It feels like an intellectual springtime of sorts as Mercury breezes into your sign along with his trickster logic. You need to be careful, for Mercury is clashing with your planet Venus, creating some conflicts between what you know and what you want. You won’t be able to rely on your excellent skills of judgment. Neither will your heart give you a clear answer. It’s going to take time

Not even sure where to start and what to say….

Monseigneur E and I changed our arrangement. And there are no plans for me to visit in the near future. There are quite a few reasons for that. It does not mean I won’t “ever” visit. But that it is not happening soon.

The first day I actually felt like “good” now I do not have to be so in limbo. But then yesterday all my feelings ambushed me. I got very sad.

I feel like I get really close to something and then something always happens….

So I was sad about that most of Wednesday.

I got to talk to Honey yesterday though and that was great! She sounded really good. I miss her so much. I want to thank Michael for being a good friend to me yesterday.

Today I am meeting with someone to work out some “differences”….and my attitude about it is sucking. And I really need to get it in check before I go meet this person. After that I am going to Moni and Michael’s to spend the night. Tomorrow I am having lunch with a friend in Cleveland and then tomorrow night is Karaoke and a play party on Saturday night. So this weekend is busy busy busy.

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Dr. Seuss

My mind is spinning out of control right now…

And the first thing that comes to mind is how much I would like pain. And I just had it last night so, you would think that I would not need it so soon.

Last night I had scene that was fairly intense in reaction…

I was tied down, blindfold, headphones (no music though just silence) and then breast bondage was done and pulling my tits up to a chain above the table I was tied to. It felt great. Just being tied down, blindfolded and the headphones were great. I could have just stayed that way for a while. The silence was incredible.

Several things were done…all turning me on…turning me on so that I had very intense orgasms…and even “squirted.” There was a knife being used on me…and it was a good mind f*ck. Even better then it has been in the past because…I was nicked the last time I played. And so knowing it COULD happen opposed to that it won’t happen because that person would never cut me has become an even bigger mind f*ck. The fear is cool : ) I was scared for a little bit that the person would stop because…I was saying no.

This is where the scene gets intense and not even sure the other word I want to describe it as…

I was saying no but I did not want him to stop. I was saying no but it was like I was deep inside screaming no….but it was like I was so far from what was going on. Almost like I was screaming no at something other then what was going on. I was almost outside myself but at the same time very aware of what was going on to me.

I am not even sure when the next part happened…what he was doing but I got angry. I got angry inside like I have never felt angry before. And I slammed my fist into the table – it the only part that could move. The anger welled up and I could not control it and I thought for a split second how good it was that I was restrained and then that anger just flooded through me and I felt overwhelmed by it. I had never felt anything like it before. And so it scared me. I started to sob from fear of it, just the feeling of anger; I just was so mad and wanted it all out. But then I realized I was probably freaking the people I was with…and so I sobbed I am sorry over and over again. And pushed it back in. I know not the thing I should have done.

I never let it out all the way. I never release all the way. But am glad the scene happened and some of it came out. We then kind of regrouped and then did another scene. He used things that I don’t really like…but I liked the pain. It hurt but it gave me parts of the pain that I needed. I just don’t feel like I take enough for the person I am playing with and wonder often what he gets out of playing with me.

I just had a nap and had a dream (that I have had before) where I was tied and I was being beat and it hurt so much. I was blindfolded, gagged, tied and Monseigneur E was beating me and I just had to endure it. Something I am not used to anymore. I used to be able to take so much more pain then I can now.

The pain that screamed through my body awoke all those boxes that I keep so locked up tight and he just kept going unlocking them one by one….each scream I had grew more and more intense. As I was releasing all of it….

I wanted to beg for mercy asking him to stop, I wanted to scream at him full of anger telling him to stop, I wanted to cry and no say anything just let the tears come out and hope that he did not stop so that it could come out….to the point of exhaustion.

I fear that dream so much. I have had it before and feared it just as much as I do now.

The pain in it…is not pain for pain really. Even though I want the pain to feel the pain today and that is why I think I had that dream. And it is not a craving of pain that is pleasurable that gives me sexual gratification. This is a different pain. I don’t know what the name of this pain is…but I get this feeling often.

I have quite a bit to do this week. I have lunches with a few people, need to work on planning committee things. I need to get some thoughts in order to have a conversation with someone that I want to have and get that in its place but I also dread.

I need to have a talk with Monseigneur E…as I have been putting that off too.

This coming up weekend is going to be so busy so I have to get things done so that I can relax and enjoy those things.

I have lots of things on my mind but really not sure how to get any of them out and discuss them.

I just wish my life was not in limbo right now.

I am kind of cleaning house mentally, emotionally, spiritually….right now.

How do you know if the person you want to be with is the right person? How do you know a person won’t damage you (Side Note: I don’t think Monseigneur E will damage me this question is in regards to something else…just clarifying)? How do I live my life in balance? Making sure both sides are fulfilled?

That Libra thing lol Balance and harmony….. :)

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