Who is your Ideal Lord of the Rings (male) Mate?
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Next....last for 2002....
What's YOUR sexual fetish?
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Tuesday, December 31, 2002
What kind of fairy are you?
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You like to be everywhere at once. You like to dance and sing wiht everyone. you like to skip and sing and be happy its very important to you. Your a spring fairy.
BTW I love Amy Brown's art too :) I keep meaning to get some of her prints along with some Michael Parkes too :)
Tonight will probably be a quiz night....BEWARE! :)
* Which Tragic Shakespearean Heroin are You? *
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Othello's: Desdemona - The daughter of the Venetian senator Brabanzio. Desdemona and Othello are secretly married before the play begins. While in many ways stereotypically pure and meek, Desdemona is also determined and self-possessed. She is equally capable of defending her marriage, jesting bawdily with Iago, and responding with dignity to Othello's incomprehensible jealousy. She is strangled by Othello when he is under the impression that she was unfaithful.
Well I have not written for a few days….
I am back in Minnesota at my parents. I had a nice time seeing my relatives in North Dakota….especially my Grandma and cousin.
Lets see if I can recapture some moments lol….
On Friday we left fairly early and then stopped on the way to my Grandma’s in Fargo at Valentino’s. Valentino’s was where I worked when I had my first job. It is where I met Don and Jim. It was where I met lots of people that had great influences on my life actually….which might sound very scary lol
And today is the 31st so of course I am thinking of Don some of course.
So a little plug for Valentino’s…they are really good. If you have a chance to hit their lunch buffet…do it : ) Their pizza is one of my favorites….and then their marinara is another favorite of mine. If you don’t like sweet sauce, you won’t like them. Valentino’s is mostly based in Omaha, Nebraska. But they also have one in Topeka, Kansas and then one in Fargo, North Dakota.
After that we headed to Grandma’s and because everyone went to bed at 9pm I had to also….can you believe it me in bed at 9pm??? Lol
I woke up lots though….because I was in bed so early. I had several nightmares but that is a nightly thing for me, but basically going to bed early means more of them unfortunately.
So then on Saturday we headed to my other grandmother’s – who I have not seen for 4 years so that was good that I was seeing her. I really like my Grandma M….when I talked about that I was thinking about my Grandpa lots lately…it was Grandma M’s husband. I am not sure why but they were my favorite Grandparents. My other Grandpa died when I was fairly young so I just think I had more time to get to know my other Grandpa.
It was good to see Grandma M…and I love her very much. I do actually wish I would spend more time with her.
We picked up Grandma and then drove to my Aunt and Uncle’s. My cousin who I grew up with and was very close to…was there with her husband and 4-year-old daughter. Her daughter is so cute! My cousin is also expecting again and I am very happy for her. My biological clock did some ticking…faint ticking mind you lol
I have pretty much accepted that my life just is not meant to have children for several reasons 1) I am selfish and love my lifestyle and don’t want to give up any of it. 2) I don’t think I can have children – scar tissue and also just fertility.
Anyway, I really liked spending time with my cousin and her daughter.
One thing that happened that just happened because you know I am me….I told my cousin I am bisexual. I just came out. And so….I know after…I told her and the next day I realized how much of a shock this probably for her as she is very very vanilla. She is very career and family oriented. Having 2.2 kids and 2-car garage is goals she has had. Where just living my life and being happy pretty much is my goal in life.
So I got back to my parents and jotted her off an email to kind of explain some things and also let her know….that I am happy with who I am and that if she had any questions that I would be happy to share with her.
Okay now on to Him…
I missed Him like crazy when I did not get to talk to him on Friday and then Saturday we did not talk until it was almost Sunday. Then He called me on Sunday and we chatted for a little while. He has some control. And I like it so far but I am of course reacting to it. He is very into micromanagement. And I have been pretty independent…and in control especially the last 4 years. I have had small doses of control the last 4 years but nothing like he will want. I have not had his level of control actually since I was with Don. Don micromanaged me…and at the beginning of our relationship….I actually just kind of fell into where it felt so safe and secure.
This time…since we are long distance right now of course it is very different then what it will be like everyday with him. *Gulp* So, right now….this level I am reacting. I also am…pushing Him away. I get scared and push. I hate that I do that….and I sometimes see it happening and other times I don’t.
He though…does not scare easy. And does not stand for it. He gets frustrated with me but He always seems to come through on top. He is firm but compassionate. I just know I frustrate Him as He is trying to get to know me and we are going along all steady and then I throw out this hurtles for us to get over…
And He does not understand why it is happening or what to do as He does not know me fully yet. So, He has had to think fast on His feet. It is very much a learning tool for both of us.
A lot of my mental and emotional process of being owned, being controlled and micromanaged have been going on for the last month, even if not expressed. And so now those feelings and thoughts will start coming out most likely.
I really like Him. He is very nice and that scares me of course. He is nice but he is very sadistic but of course my mind forgets that at times. He is the man that wants to hold me and kiss me and snuggle up in front of a fire with a bottle of wine…but I also need to remember He is the man that wants to keep me in a hood and cage for days on end. He wants to bind me up and throw me in the trunk of his car to travel. He is the man that wants to make me piss on myself and drink his piss also. He is the man that wants to use and abuse me at his whim. Why don’t I remember that? Because he is nice. I mean I see his sadism come out….but His compassion for me….is very evident also. He is very free in expressing how He feels about me in affectionate terms.
It was something that actually was very hard for me to get used to….the affection. It is something I have always sought out, but not found….with the other things that I also want.
I took a break from my journal entry to watch Trading Spaces (http://tlc.discovery.com/fansites/tradingspaces/tradingspaces.html).
I really like that show! I have not watched it since moving in with Bill and Lisa but used to watch it with Kam.
Last night I had to sleep on the floor because I was being punished for basically forgetting my place with Him. While I slept, I dreamt of course of Don, as today is the 31st. And then what was strange was I dreamt of Monseigneur E also. Which kind of surprised me.
But I woke thinking of him and it that led me to the line of thought of how people can just not care.
When I commit to someone I give them a lot of myself and put them into my life right away….is that wrong? I just have felt that is HOW it should BE. But now…I wonder if that is why I have such problems letting go….because I put people into my life much more then others put others in their lives. Monseigneur E and Linda I am sure have not given me much of a second thought – or that is at least how it feels to me. But I still think of them at least once a day.
I miss conversations with both of them. Why am I not talking to them? Hmm because how he and I left things….it was when he wanted to message/talk/email/chat that he could contact me. But that I wanted to give him time after that last convo until he was ready. And so my thoughts are either he is not ready or he just does not want to deal with it. Linda when I have chatted with her since then it has been very chit chatty and slow. So I am not sure how to get beyond that.
On to next topic….
I am nervous about meeting Soulhuntre and Kimiko when they come to SMART Fest. I have been trying to push it off and pretend like I am not meeting them lol
Silly reasons I am getting nervous too. I mean reasons *I* should not be getting nervous about as I have always been very comfortable with myself.
Okay what else should I ramble about…
I miss my friends…they are getting together of course tonight, as it is New Years Eve. And I am missing out! * pouting*
Just some good things that I like right now…
Michael Parks – he is an artist I am really getting into lately. I have meditated to some of his images. I focus on the image and just kind of lose myself in it and it slows everything down and so I can come back to center.
Here are some sites of his works….
The World of Michael Parkes ~ http://www.theworldofmichaelparkes.com/
Kaleidoscope Gallery ~ http://www.kgallery.com
Pierside Gallery ~ http://www.piersidegallery.com/artists/parkes/
Artcyclopedia ~ Michael Parkes ~ http://www.artcyclopedia.com/artists/parkes_michael.html
Tomorrow – New Year’s Day FX (http://www.fxnetworks.com/main.html) is having a Buffy Marathon (http://www.fxnetworks.com/shows/hits/buffy.html) of the first season I think….so that could be cool to watch. I would really like the first season on DVD well the 2nd and 3rd too but 1st is the one I want first lol
Sixpence None the Richer (http://www.sixpence-ntr.com/) ~ I have their newest cd – Divine Discontent. From Dizzy….
I gave you myself
it's all that I have
broken and frail
I'm clay in your hands
and spinning I can see all
Trading Spaces (http://tlc.discovery.com/fansites/tradingspaces/tradingspaces.html) of course just as another reminder : )
Pottery Barn(http://www.potterybarn.com/) catalog
Cable Modem as it is sucking on being on dial up at my parents.
Okay….so…on to my Buddhist wisdom for the day…
Meditation is running into reality. It does not insulate you from the pain of life. It allows you to delve so deeply into life and all its aspects that you pierce the pain barrier and go beyond suffering. -Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, "Mindfulness in Plain English"
I am back in Minnesota at my parents. I had a nice time seeing my relatives in North Dakota….especially my Grandma and cousin.
Lets see if I can recapture some moments lol….
On Friday we left fairly early and then stopped on the way to my Grandma’s in Fargo at Valentino’s. Valentino’s was where I worked when I had my first job. It is where I met Don and Jim. It was where I met lots of people that had great influences on my life actually….which might sound very scary lol
And today is the 31st so of course I am thinking of Don some of course.
So a little plug for Valentino’s…they are really good. If you have a chance to hit their lunch buffet…do it : ) Their pizza is one of my favorites….and then their marinara is another favorite of mine. If you don’t like sweet sauce, you won’t like them. Valentino’s is mostly based in Omaha, Nebraska. But they also have one in Topeka, Kansas and then one in Fargo, North Dakota.
After that we headed to Grandma’s and because everyone went to bed at 9pm I had to also….can you believe it me in bed at 9pm??? Lol
I woke up lots though….because I was in bed so early. I had several nightmares but that is a nightly thing for me, but basically going to bed early means more of them unfortunately.
So then on Saturday we headed to my other grandmother’s – who I have not seen for 4 years so that was good that I was seeing her. I really like my Grandma M….when I talked about that I was thinking about my Grandpa lots lately…it was Grandma M’s husband. I am not sure why but they were my favorite Grandparents. My other Grandpa died when I was fairly young so I just think I had more time to get to know my other Grandpa.
It was good to see Grandma M…and I love her very much. I do actually wish I would spend more time with her.
We picked up Grandma and then drove to my Aunt and Uncle’s. My cousin who I grew up with and was very close to…was there with her husband and 4-year-old daughter. Her daughter is so cute! My cousin is also expecting again and I am very happy for her. My biological clock did some ticking…faint ticking mind you lol
I have pretty much accepted that my life just is not meant to have children for several reasons 1) I am selfish and love my lifestyle and don’t want to give up any of it. 2) I don’t think I can have children – scar tissue and also just fertility.
Anyway, I really liked spending time with my cousin and her daughter.
One thing that happened that just happened because you know I am me….I told my cousin I am bisexual. I just came out. And so….I know after…I told her and the next day I realized how much of a shock this probably for her as she is very very vanilla. She is very career and family oriented. Having 2.2 kids and 2-car garage is goals she has had. Where just living my life and being happy pretty much is my goal in life.
So I got back to my parents and jotted her off an email to kind of explain some things and also let her know….that I am happy with who I am and that if she had any questions that I would be happy to share with her.
Okay now on to Him…
I missed Him like crazy when I did not get to talk to him on Friday and then Saturday we did not talk until it was almost Sunday. Then He called me on Sunday and we chatted for a little while. He has some control. And I like it so far but I am of course reacting to it. He is very into micromanagement. And I have been pretty independent…and in control especially the last 4 years. I have had small doses of control the last 4 years but nothing like he will want. I have not had his level of control actually since I was with Don. Don micromanaged me…and at the beginning of our relationship….I actually just kind of fell into where it felt so safe and secure.
This time…since we are long distance right now of course it is very different then what it will be like everyday with him. *Gulp* So, right now….this level I am reacting. I also am…pushing Him away. I get scared and push. I hate that I do that….and I sometimes see it happening and other times I don’t.
He though…does not scare easy. And does not stand for it. He gets frustrated with me but He always seems to come through on top. He is firm but compassionate. I just know I frustrate Him as He is trying to get to know me and we are going along all steady and then I throw out this hurtles for us to get over…
And He does not understand why it is happening or what to do as He does not know me fully yet. So, He has had to think fast on His feet. It is very much a learning tool for both of us.
A lot of my mental and emotional process of being owned, being controlled and micromanaged have been going on for the last month, even if not expressed. And so now those feelings and thoughts will start coming out most likely.
I really like Him. He is very nice and that scares me of course. He is nice but he is very sadistic but of course my mind forgets that at times. He is the man that wants to hold me and kiss me and snuggle up in front of a fire with a bottle of wine…but I also need to remember He is the man that wants to keep me in a hood and cage for days on end. He wants to bind me up and throw me in the trunk of his car to travel. He is the man that wants to make me piss on myself and drink his piss also. He is the man that wants to use and abuse me at his whim. Why don’t I remember that? Because he is nice. I mean I see his sadism come out….but His compassion for me….is very evident also. He is very free in expressing how He feels about me in affectionate terms.
It was something that actually was very hard for me to get used to….the affection. It is something I have always sought out, but not found….with the other things that I also want.
I took a break from my journal entry to watch Trading Spaces (http://tlc.discovery.com/fansites/tradingspaces/tradingspaces.html).
I really like that show! I have not watched it since moving in with Bill and Lisa but used to watch it with Kam.
Last night I had to sleep on the floor because I was being punished for basically forgetting my place with Him. While I slept, I dreamt of course of Don, as today is the 31st. And then what was strange was I dreamt of Monseigneur E also. Which kind of surprised me.
But I woke thinking of him and it that led me to the line of thought of how people can just not care.
When I commit to someone I give them a lot of myself and put them into my life right away….is that wrong? I just have felt that is HOW it should BE. But now…I wonder if that is why I have such problems letting go….because I put people into my life much more then others put others in their lives. Monseigneur E and Linda I am sure have not given me much of a second thought – or that is at least how it feels to me. But I still think of them at least once a day.
I miss conversations with both of them. Why am I not talking to them? Hmm because how he and I left things….it was when he wanted to message/talk/email/chat that he could contact me. But that I wanted to give him time after that last convo until he was ready. And so my thoughts are either he is not ready or he just does not want to deal with it. Linda when I have chatted with her since then it has been very chit chatty and slow. So I am not sure how to get beyond that.
On to next topic….
I am nervous about meeting Soulhuntre and Kimiko when they come to SMART Fest. I have been trying to push it off and pretend like I am not meeting them lol
Silly reasons I am getting nervous too. I mean reasons *I* should not be getting nervous about as I have always been very comfortable with myself.
Okay what else should I ramble about…
I miss my friends…they are getting together of course tonight, as it is New Years Eve. And I am missing out! * pouting*
Just some good things that I like right now…
Michael Parks – he is an artist I am really getting into lately. I have meditated to some of his images. I focus on the image and just kind of lose myself in it and it slows everything down and so I can come back to center.
Here are some sites of his works….
The World of Michael Parkes ~ http://www.theworldofmichaelparkes.com/
Kaleidoscope Gallery ~ http://www.kgallery.com
Pierside Gallery ~ http://www.piersidegallery.com/artists/parkes/
Artcyclopedia ~ Michael Parkes ~ http://www.artcyclopedia.com/artists/parkes_michael.html
Tomorrow – New Year’s Day FX (http://www.fxnetworks.com/main.html) is having a Buffy Marathon (http://www.fxnetworks.com/shows/hits/buffy.html) of the first season I think….so that could be cool to watch. I would really like the first season on DVD well the 2nd and 3rd too but 1st is the one I want first lol
Sixpence None the Richer (http://www.sixpence-ntr.com/) ~ I have their newest cd – Divine Discontent. From Dizzy….
I gave you myself
it's all that I have
broken and frail
I'm clay in your hands
and spinning I can see all
Trading Spaces (http://tlc.discovery.com/fansites/tradingspaces/tradingspaces.html) of course just as another reminder : )
Pottery Barn(http://www.potterybarn.com/) catalog
Cable Modem as it is sucking on being on dial up at my parents.
Okay….so…on to my Buddhist wisdom for the day…
Meditation is running into reality. It does not insulate you from the pain of life. It allows you to delve so deeply into life and all its aspects that you pierce the pain barrier and go beyond suffering. -Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, "Mindfulness in Plain English"
Thursday, December 26, 2002
Well first I am going to do the Friday Five....and then some writing after that....
Friday Five
1. What was your biggest accomplishment this year?
One is not standing out more then any other...I see a few big accomplishments in my life this year....closing some doors on my past. Not justifying betrayal. Moving on with my life (and if you think this is about you when you read this you are wrong - now i can't get that Carly Simon song out of my head lol). I guess this will sound strange but I am proud of my business...I closed it but I am very proud of what I did with it. And how hard I worked for it. Hmmm finding my center though probably was the biggest thing I did this year though. I am glad I am back to my center....'bout damn time! :)
2. What was your biggest disappointment?
biggest...hmm I can think of a few things again one does seem to be a neon light over the rest though...but still going to list some of the others. Finding out my best friend had been betraying me pretty much tops out my list though. Closing my business. Not going on the trail visit with Monseigneur E and Linda. Frustrations in almost all my relationships this past year.
3. Will you be making any New Year's resolutions? No
4. Where will you be at midnight? Do you wish you could be somewhere else?
I will most likely be here in Minnesota with my family. And yesssssssss I wish I would be someplace else that night...I wish I was in Colorado. *grins*
5. Aside from (possibly) staying up late, do you have any other New Year's traditions?
No not really..I pretty much usually stay at home on New Year's Eve. How ironic that this year....seems to be the first year I have ever wanted to celebrate and I can't be with Him and celebrate. New Year's Eve is an anniversary for me so usually I stay at home, watch some movies and try to relax. But this year I don't feel the usual anxiety of that evening...what it represents. I am very happy about that. I just wish I was with Him or in Ohio to celebrate with friends.
The tradition I created with Kam was....making crab ragoon and szcheshaun chicken (i know i am not spelling that right) for dinner and then watching movies and drinking a few mudslides or just some baily's on the rocks or in hot cocoa.
Okay well.....lets see what do I want to talk about...
Thursday morning we got up early to go hit after Christmas sales. We got some good stuff. We hit Target, Kohls and then a Christian book store...yes really :)
I got one of my favorite's cd....Sixpence None the Richer...they are a Christian band. I found that out several months ago. I really like their music.
Well instead of my Dad being the first to talk to me about something "confrontational" - my Mom was the first. Today she told me when I opened my tarot set that she felt evil prickles with it. No...I am not kidding. *rolls eyes* I told her well it made me feel very calm. She then had to explain that she would pray for me as it is evil. I then explained to her that I thought she was being closed and she is going by what she has been taught by the "church" instead of thinking and feeling on her own. And that the evil prickles she feels is not what is real...it is her own fears of it that she is feeling prickles from not calming of the tarot cards. I explained to her that the I-Ching read I have used before is a Christian. And that I felt she had lots of positive and healing energy. She was just a very comforting healing person and that if she did not use that...she would be wasting the gift God gave her. Anyway, it was a whole discussion I did not want to have...but it the first of a few more....I will have I am sure.
So, yet again I am going to be on some pray list for doing evil things. lol wow if she only knew what my life is really like....she would not be very happy. But it is my life...as I have told my Dad several times before and I am sure I will again.
Tomorrow I leave to go see my other Grandma...in North Dakota. We are only going for the weekend. We are bringing one Grandma back to her home and then visiting the other on the way back. The way home stuck in a car with my parents for several hours alone without my sisters I am dreading. So...I hope that I have all the positive energy from my friends coming my way....and my sphere in place.
I am looking forward to seeing my Grandma. I have thought lots of my Grandpa lately.
Those that...have passed do they see what is going on with the person now? I mean that is what I have been thinking about...wondering if my Grandpa see my life as it is now. And if so....I start to feel ashamed with parts of it...probably strangely enough....not the parts most people would think of...
I am not ashamed of my job I have had...I am not ashamed of my Master/slave relationships, I am not ashamed I am a masochist....
I am ashamed of relationships, mistakes, failures, and things like that.
Last year I felt more comfortable with my family. This year I don't feel comfortable and maybe that is because my life is still pending where last year with my business at least I had a focus and I was doing good. And just was very confident about my "whole" life. Where this year I am scared...I am confident but scared. Last year I was not scared.
Today Moni called :) I was happy to hear from her. I miss our talks and quality time.
I have been talking to Him a least once a day on the phone or online...if not more. He and I have had some interesting talks of the future. It all is very scary.
But it feels very good too.
We talked about something that had happened to me recently and how I have quickly got that under control and in perspective. I had not looked at like that.
The level of control He seeks....scares me and makes me feel hope of a good future. I was reading through old emails to and from Him. And they are amazing. I am still doing the "waiting for the other shoe to drop" thing and also I try to fight what it...or push Him away and scare Him...He does not seem to scare easy. :) I am very lucky for that fact.
I thought of M quite a few times today. Not sure why...he would just pop up in my brain. I miss him I guess is the word that is coming to mind.
Well I am going to post this and then talk to Him...as he just messaged me *big smile*
Friday Five
1. What was your biggest accomplishment this year?
One is not standing out more then any other...I see a few big accomplishments in my life this year....closing some doors on my past. Not justifying betrayal. Moving on with my life (and if you think this is about you when you read this you are wrong - now i can't get that Carly Simon song out of my head lol). I guess this will sound strange but I am proud of my business...I closed it but I am very proud of what I did with it. And how hard I worked for it. Hmmm finding my center though probably was the biggest thing I did this year though. I am glad I am back to my center....'bout damn time! :)
2. What was your biggest disappointment?
biggest...hmm I can think of a few things again one does seem to be a neon light over the rest though...but still going to list some of the others. Finding out my best friend had been betraying me pretty much tops out my list though. Closing my business. Not going on the trail visit with Monseigneur E and Linda. Frustrations in almost all my relationships this past year.
3. Will you be making any New Year's resolutions? No
4. Where will you be at midnight? Do you wish you could be somewhere else?
I will most likely be here in Minnesota with my family. And yesssssssss I wish I would be someplace else that night...I wish I was in Colorado. *grins*
5. Aside from (possibly) staying up late, do you have any other New Year's traditions?
No not really..I pretty much usually stay at home on New Year's Eve. How ironic that this year....seems to be the first year I have ever wanted to celebrate and I can't be with Him and celebrate. New Year's Eve is an anniversary for me so usually I stay at home, watch some movies and try to relax. But this year I don't feel the usual anxiety of that evening...what it represents. I am very happy about that. I just wish I was with Him or in Ohio to celebrate with friends.
The tradition I created with Kam was....making crab ragoon and szcheshaun chicken (i know i am not spelling that right) for dinner and then watching movies and drinking a few mudslides or just some baily's on the rocks or in hot cocoa.
Okay well.....lets see what do I want to talk about...
Thursday morning we got up early to go hit after Christmas sales. We got some good stuff. We hit Target, Kohls and then a Christian book store...yes really :)
I got one of my favorite's cd....Sixpence None the Richer...they are a Christian band. I found that out several months ago. I really like their music.
Well instead of my Dad being the first to talk to me about something "confrontational" - my Mom was the first. Today she told me when I opened my tarot set that she felt evil prickles with it. No...I am not kidding. *rolls eyes* I told her well it made me feel very calm. She then had to explain that she would pray for me as it is evil. I then explained to her that I thought she was being closed and she is going by what she has been taught by the "church" instead of thinking and feeling on her own. And that the evil prickles she feels is not what is real...it is her own fears of it that she is feeling prickles from not calming of the tarot cards. I explained to her that the I-Ching read I have used before is a Christian. And that I felt she had lots of positive and healing energy. She was just a very comforting healing person and that if she did not use that...she would be wasting the gift God gave her. Anyway, it was a whole discussion I did not want to have...but it the first of a few more....I will have I am sure.
So, yet again I am going to be on some pray list for doing evil things. lol wow if she only knew what my life is really like....she would not be very happy. But it is my life...as I have told my Dad several times before and I am sure I will again.
Tomorrow I leave to go see my other Grandma...in North Dakota. We are only going for the weekend. We are bringing one Grandma back to her home and then visiting the other on the way back. The way home stuck in a car with my parents for several hours alone without my sisters I am dreading. So...I hope that I have all the positive energy from my friends coming my way....and my sphere in place.
I am looking forward to seeing my Grandma. I have thought lots of my Grandpa lately.
Those that...have passed do they see what is going on with the person now? I mean that is what I have been thinking about...wondering if my Grandpa see my life as it is now. And if so....I start to feel ashamed with parts of it...probably strangely enough....not the parts most people would think of...
I am not ashamed of my job I have had...I am not ashamed of my Master/slave relationships, I am not ashamed I am a masochist....
I am ashamed of relationships, mistakes, failures, and things like that.
Last year I felt more comfortable with my family. This year I don't feel comfortable and maybe that is because my life is still pending where last year with my business at least I had a focus and I was doing good. And just was very confident about my "whole" life. Where this year I am scared...I am confident but scared. Last year I was not scared.
Today Moni called :) I was happy to hear from her. I miss our talks and quality time.
I have been talking to Him a least once a day on the phone or online...if not more. He and I have had some interesting talks of the future. It all is very scary.
But it feels very good too.
We talked about something that had happened to me recently and how I have quickly got that under control and in perspective. I had not looked at like that.
The level of control He seeks....scares me and makes me feel hope of a good future. I was reading through old emails to and from Him. And they are amazing. I am still doing the "waiting for the other shoe to drop" thing and also I try to fight what it...or push Him away and scare Him...He does not seem to scare easy. :) I am very lucky for that fact.
I thought of M quite a few times today. Not sure why...he would just pop up in my brain. I miss him I guess is the word that is coming to mind.
Well I am going to post this and then talk to Him...as he just messaged me *big smile*
Wednesday, December 25, 2002
Merry Christmas!
I had a nice day today....but most of my thoughts drifted towards being with Him next year and hoping that I would be owned by next Christmas and in the relationship I have always dreamed of....to be a slave...serving my Master.
Christmas has brought me lots of good presents....not sure .....why I have gotten so lucky in that respect....I have good family and friends that always treat me so good. I am very very lucky! I spent today with my family and extended family. We ate, opened presents, ate, played games, ate, laughed and just had a good time :) I called Bill and Lisa today....Lisa was not available so I talked to Bill...sounds like Ohio is getting dumped on with snow. Here it is barely covering the grass. This year though...I was not as concerned with a white christmas as a normally fret about it.
I talked with Him on the phone last night....we got some things worked out.....as far as the miscommunications we were having on Monday night. He felt the wall up last night when He signed on....I did not mean to put it up so tight but...I just get scared I am going to get hurt again.
Something that has come up.....from our disagreement the other night.....is does a slave "deserve" anything/something? My answer was yes....why? Because I am human and my ONLY need is NOT pleasing and serving. I do expect things back. Is that wrong? I guess I don't feel it is....
I have clearly outlined what I seek.....and if the person is not that then we might as well stop wasting each others time. Now let me STRESS...I am not saying I am wasting time with Him. I know I am not....but His view pretty much is....I don't deserve anything. Yet He is a very compassionate man.
I am going through a stressful time here at my parents. My Dad has not said anything yet...and he might not but....he probably will say something eventually. Because of the stress....I wanted something....something He is controlling right now....and He said no. I said I felt I deserved it. Now was that the right thing to say....probably not worded quite the way it should have been. So then came the conversation of do I deserve anything...does a nothing deserve anything. Well 1) I am not a nothing in my mind yet. 2) I am not a slave yet either....as I am enslaved as I am not with Him to be enslaved 3) I am a human girl wanting certain things out of life....and I do expect them. Plus...I am human going through some stress...it is Christmas time....and I have went through lots lately so why don't a deserve something fun? I don't see a reason why not.
It is times like this I really question weather I am a submissive at all.
Yet I put on a skirt today thinking of Him and knowing that is what He likes. My Mom and Dad got me sweats and a sweatshirt and I told my sister I was going to exchange them for a down throw blanket....because I don't wear sweats. I know I will never be allowed to wear them....so there is not a point in having them. I have had a pair that I have not wore probably for 2 years anyway. Most of those I have been with did not like me to wear pants and really I am a girly girl and don't wear pants that often anyway.
I have wore skirts the whole time here....and everyone keeps telling me if I am cold why don't I put pants on. I just say I am fine with the blanket or I wear tights and that helps too.
Sooooooooooooo I question wether or not I am submissive yet I purposely wear skirts to please Him....so that shows I am.....
So what am I exactly? A selfish submissive who wants things her way when she wants? ugghh I hope not. And part of me knows that is not true. With previous owners I had to do things I did not like all the time and did them.
I am not sure what I am...I just know I do feel I am a pretty good girl...and deserve some nice things in my life...after the life I have had....I deserve to be happy. I know I expect my life to be a certain way...because I have worked hard to figure out what I want and need and so I go after that. And I will have what I have been seeking!
Christmas has brought me lots of good presents....not sure .....why I have gotten so lucky in that respect....I have good family and friends that always treat me so good. I am very very lucky! I spent today with my family and extended family. We ate, opened presents, ate, played games, ate, laughed and just had a good time :) I called Bill and Lisa today....Lisa was not available so I talked to Bill...sounds like Ohio is getting dumped on with snow. Here it is barely covering the grass. This year though...I was not as concerned with a white christmas as a normally fret about it.
I talked with Him on the phone last night....we got some things worked out.....as far as the miscommunications we were having on Monday night. He felt the wall up last night when He signed on....I did not mean to put it up so tight but...I just get scared I am going to get hurt again.
Something that has come up.....from our disagreement the other night.....is does a slave "deserve" anything/something? My answer was yes....why? Because I am human and my ONLY need is NOT pleasing and serving. I do expect things back. Is that wrong? I guess I don't feel it is....
I have clearly outlined what I seek.....and if the person is not that then we might as well stop wasting each others time. Now let me STRESS...I am not saying I am wasting time with Him. I know I am not....but His view pretty much is....I don't deserve anything. Yet He is a very compassionate man.
I am going through a stressful time here at my parents. My Dad has not said anything yet...and he might not but....he probably will say something eventually. Because of the stress....I wanted something....something He is controlling right now....and He said no. I said I felt I deserved it. Now was that the right thing to say....probably not worded quite the way it should have been. So then came the conversation of do I deserve anything...does a nothing deserve anything. Well 1) I am not a nothing in my mind yet. 2) I am not a slave yet either....as I am enslaved as I am not with Him to be enslaved 3) I am a human girl wanting certain things out of life....and I do expect them. Plus...I am human going through some stress...it is Christmas time....and I have went through lots lately so why don't a deserve something fun? I don't see a reason why not.
It is times like this I really question weather I am a submissive at all.
Yet I put on a skirt today thinking of Him and knowing that is what He likes. My Mom and Dad got me sweats and a sweatshirt and I told my sister I was going to exchange them for a down throw blanket....because I don't wear sweats. I know I will never be allowed to wear them....so there is not a point in having them. I have had a pair that I have not wore probably for 2 years anyway. Most of those I have been with did not like me to wear pants and really I am a girly girl and don't wear pants that often anyway.
I have wore skirts the whole time here....and everyone keeps telling me if I am cold why don't I put pants on. I just say I am fine with the blanket or I wear tights and that helps too.
Sooooooooooooo I question wether or not I am submissive yet I purposely wear skirts to please Him....so that shows I am.....
So what am I exactly? A selfish submissive who wants things her way when she wants? ugghh I hope not. And part of me knows that is not true. With previous owners I had to do things I did not like all the time and did them.
I am not sure what I am...I just know I do feel I am a pretty good girl...and deserve some nice things in my life...after the life I have had....I deserve to be happy. I know I expect my life to be a certain way...because I have worked hard to figure out what I want and need and so I go after that. And I will have what I have been seeking!
Tuesday, December 24, 2002
Tuesday This-N-That
1. Opening presents...rip 'em open with all abandon, or carefully open, preserving the pretty paper for recycling?
rip them open...save all the gift bags though and recycle them
2. Do you and yours take turns, opening one gift at a time, or does everyone just rip into everything at the same time?
we go oldest to youngest
3. If you get something you don't like...do you try to return it, or keep it so as not to hurt the giver's feelings?
return it
4. Do you spend the holiday at home (yours or someone else's), or do you go out and eat, see the newest movie, whatever?
go home to my parents...or try to at least and this year i am at my parents.....we stay at home....with family...and extended family
5. What do you do with Christmas cards after the holiday is over? Save them, or toss them?
save those from my love interest and some memorable ones from family and friends...those that really touched me
6. Cook Christmas dinner, or does someone else do that?
my Mom cooks Christmas dinner mostly...sometimes an aunt.
7. It's Christmas Eve, and you have run out of wrapping paper. Do you go out and buy more, or wrap the rest of the gifts in the Sunday comics?
make it...if i run out....newpaper panited, brown paper bags painted or drawn on. Comics and then red and green ribbons to make it christmasy
8. On Christmas morning...up at the crack of dawn, eagerly anticipating the loot...or would you rather sleep in?
open presents Christmas Eve
9. Do you want a white or a green Chrismas?
white
10. Going to church on Christmas...yes or no?
Christmas Eve...yes
1. Opening presents...rip 'em open with all abandon, or carefully open, preserving the pretty paper for recycling?
rip them open...save all the gift bags though and recycle them
2. Do you and yours take turns, opening one gift at a time, or does everyone just rip into everything at the same time?
we go oldest to youngest
3. If you get something you don't like...do you try to return it, or keep it so as not to hurt the giver's feelings?
return it
4. Do you spend the holiday at home (yours or someone else's), or do you go out and eat, see the newest movie, whatever?
go home to my parents...or try to at least and this year i am at my parents.....we stay at home....with family...and extended family
5. What do you do with Christmas cards after the holiday is over? Save them, or toss them?
save those from my love interest and some memorable ones from family and friends...those that really touched me
6. Cook Christmas dinner, or does someone else do that?
my Mom cooks Christmas dinner mostly...sometimes an aunt.
7. It's Christmas Eve, and you have run out of wrapping paper. Do you go out and buy more, or wrap the rest of the gifts in the Sunday comics?
make it...if i run out....newpaper panited, brown paper bags painted or drawn on. Comics and then red and green ribbons to make it christmasy
8. On Christmas morning...up at the crack of dawn, eagerly anticipating the loot...or would you rather sleep in?
open presents Christmas Eve
9. Do you want a white or a green Chrismas?
white
10. Going to church on Christmas...yes or no?
Christmas Eve...yes
Well tonight we went to church, came home ate some appetizers and then opened presents.....I enjoyed being with my family. :)
Tomorrow's horoscope says....LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): You may be pickier in your own fantasies and dreams now than you are in reality. In fact, you may be so self-critical of your unexpressed ideas that you wonder if it’s really worth the effort to share them. You’ll never know if you don’t try. If you’re willing to entertain the possibility that you are being too hard on yourself, then, at least you’ll have a chance.
Interesting huh?
Last night Him and I got in kind of a hmm disagreement I guess and when we do....it always seems to be right before we are about to sign off and go to bed. And so then I go to bed feeling very alone and upset. I am one of those people that does not like to go to bed with arguments hanging out in the air....I think they should be resolved before going to bed, but with Him they are not. *shrugs* Not that disagreements are really are not big things..not things that are make or break it deals. They are actually a lot about sex and masturbation lol But they are still disagreements.
One of my gifts from Grumbler and wench was a Osho Zen Tarot set and I did a reading tonight and it was kind of odd. I could tell that there was that disagreement hanging in the air in the reading. So that was kind of interesting.
My card for me was interesting card... a man balancing on stepping stones - swirls with a faint cityscape. Meant balanced and living moment to moment....seeing that is right now and not looking back or forward just living right now.
Last night I went to dinner with my family and some aunts and uncles. It was a *very* nice place. It was very good too.
I had a migraine today...so that was not fun. I know it is because I did not sleep well at all last night. So tonight I just feel out of it because of the headache.
I hope everyone has a VERY Merry Christmas....full of joy and blessings!
Tomorrow's horoscope says....LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): You may be pickier in your own fantasies and dreams now than you are in reality. In fact, you may be so self-critical of your unexpressed ideas that you wonder if it’s really worth the effort to share them. You’ll never know if you don’t try. If you’re willing to entertain the possibility that you are being too hard on yourself, then, at least you’ll have a chance.
Interesting huh?
Last night Him and I got in kind of a hmm disagreement I guess and when we do....it always seems to be right before we are about to sign off and go to bed. And so then I go to bed feeling very alone and upset. I am one of those people that does not like to go to bed with arguments hanging out in the air....I think they should be resolved before going to bed, but with Him they are not. *shrugs* Not that disagreements are really are not big things..not things that are make or break it deals. They are actually a lot about sex and masturbation lol But they are still disagreements.
One of my gifts from Grumbler and wench was a Osho Zen Tarot set and I did a reading tonight and it was kind of odd. I could tell that there was that disagreement hanging in the air in the reading. So that was kind of interesting.
My card for me was interesting card... a man balancing on stepping stones - swirls with a faint cityscape. Meant balanced and living moment to moment....seeing that is right now and not looking back or forward just living right now.
Last night I went to dinner with my family and some aunts and uncles. It was a *very* nice place. It was very good too.
I had a migraine today...so that was not fun. I know it is because I did not sleep well at all last night. So tonight I just feel out of it because of the headache.
I hope everyone has a VERY Merry Christmas....full of joy and blessings!
Monday, December 23, 2002
Well I am at my parents....on my sisters computer to be safer :) This will be a very vanilla entry I am sure so beware! LOL :)
First though....I want to wish my best friend Moni...a very Happy Birthday!
Now on to the vanilla entry :)
Here is my horoscope for today.....
LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): There may be some stress between your social obligations and your basic needs. Your feelings are rather strong now, but as emphasized as they are, you may not have anywhere to safely express them. So, instead of embarrassing yourself by revealing too much, you hold it all behind an apparent wall of conservative talk. But we know what’s really going on behind your wall.
I told Him yesterday I meditated yesterday to put some walls in place so that if my Dad decides to "talk" with me then I would be ready. I feel stronger because of the walls. I am not sure they are walls of blocking things out exactly but more of walls of strength and postive energy to help me be "zen" (as Nick would say) so that when he does talk to me I am clear and calm.
I told my Mom and sisters some about Him. My Mom did not say much...I am sure she is wondering where it will go with someone far away.
Today I slept in then got up and had some homemade lesfe (not sure spelling that right) and some piece of homemade banana bread too with my Dad. And then chatted with my sisters for a while before heading off to take my shower. I am sitting here in rollers LOL (rag curls for anyone that knows what those are). I got a very soft and romantic outfit yesterday and am going to wear that tonight for dinner with my extended family. I am looking forward to seeing everyone but I always have a little anxiety before we all get together.
My life is so different from all of my families. I am living for me as so many seem to be living as what is expected or how it should be.
I saved all my wrapping of presents until I got here so I did that just a before signing online.
One of my sisters and I Cubed my other sister last night and want to cube Mom and Dad. My one sister knew about the Cube - and she got out a book that is kind of like that and now I want that book too. I can't remember the title at the moment but will get it from her before I leave. (the Cube is a book that is a game that I love but don't mention lots here as I don't like to give it away.)
Well I am going to go meditate and read a little before having to get ready for our big dinner.
First though....I want to wish my best friend Moni...a very Happy Birthday!
Now on to the vanilla entry :)
Here is my horoscope for today.....
LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): There may be some stress between your social obligations and your basic needs. Your feelings are rather strong now, but as emphasized as they are, you may not have anywhere to safely express them. So, instead of embarrassing yourself by revealing too much, you hold it all behind an apparent wall of conservative talk. But we know what’s really going on behind your wall.
I told Him yesterday I meditated yesterday to put some walls in place so that if my Dad decides to "talk" with me then I would be ready. I feel stronger because of the walls. I am not sure they are walls of blocking things out exactly but more of walls of strength and postive energy to help me be "zen" (as Nick would say) so that when he does talk to me I am clear and calm.
I told my Mom and sisters some about Him. My Mom did not say much...I am sure she is wondering where it will go with someone far away.
Today I slept in then got up and had some homemade lesfe (not sure spelling that right) and some piece of homemade banana bread too with my Dad. And then chatted with my sisters for a while before heading off to take my shower. I am sitting here in rollers LOL (rag curls for anyone that knows what those are). I got a very soft and romantic outfit yesterday and am going to wear that tonight for dinner with my extended family. I am looking forward to seeing everyone but I always have a little anxiety before we all get together.
My life is so different from all of my families. I am living for me as so many seem to be living as what is expected or how it should be.
I saved all my wrapping of presents until I got here so I did that just a before signing online.
One of my sisters and I Cubed my other sister last night and want to cube Mom and Dad. My one sister knew about the Cube - and she got out a book that is kind of like that and now I want that book too. I can't remember the title at the moment but will get it from her before I leave. (the Cube is a book that is a game that I love but don't mention lots here as I don't like to give it away.)
Well I am going to go meditate and read a little before having to get ready for our big dinner.
Sunday, December 22, 2002
Okay this post is going to be a little neurotic. I will be okay….I just am overwhelmed with going to my parents. I feel kind of out of sorts tonight. I am sure it is just because of my visit.
I am very nervous about seeing my parents. Not my Mom really but my Dad. He just knows how to say the wrong thing to me. He seems to always. He has never approved of my life but really has NEVER understood my life. So, really how can he say he does not approve of it? Not that he would I am sure lol
I am not sure why this year seems to be more…nerve racking. Last year I was very calm when I visited them. I should be packing and finishing up things and I don’t want to. I don’t want to go my parents and I do. I want to see them but I should have made it a shorter visit….maybe.
Update on life to get my mind off…of my going to my parents.
I chatted with M for quite a bit online tonight instead of doing the things I needed tonight.
Now I am chatting with Nick. He is giving me a pep talk about going to my parents.
This week has been okay…I have been procrastinating though. I had lots to do and did not do most of it. I am still feeling lightness even…though I am overwhelmed right now.
Friday night I went to a play party. It was nice as usual. I did not play but at the end did ask someone if he would like to play sometime. He asked me about switching…*smiles* I just can’t. I am very sadistic but not with men. I would be worrying if I hit him to hard lol He is a masochist so for sure that would not be a good experience for him.
It is Moni’s birthday on Monday and since I am not going to be here I gave her - her birthday present early. I got her a signed copy of Hand in a Bush by Deborah Addington. It is a book on fisting *grins* I think Katrina was happy with my birthday present lol
I had not spent much time with Moni lately and so we needed some quality time. We did not have much time but I am very glad we were able to have some time together.
I can’t believe it is going to be 2003 soon.
I will be at my parents for 2 weeks and not sure how much…or even if I will be able to post at all to my journal while there. Just not sure. I am bringing my handwritten journal of course because I can’t live without writing.
Well I think I need to go have a good cry and finish packing….lol
I am very nervous about seeing my parents. Not my Mom really but my Dad. He just knows how to say the wrong thing to me. He seems to always. He has never approved of my life but really has NEVER understood my life. So, really how can he say he does not approve of it? Not that he would I am sure lol
I am not sure why this year seems to be more…nerve racking. Last year I was very calm when I visited them. I should be packing and finishing up things and I don’t want to. I don’t want to go my parents and I do. I want to see them but I should have made it a shorter visit….maybe.
Update on life to get my mind off…of my going to my parents.
I chatted with M for quite a bit online tonight instead of doing the things I needed tonight.
Now I am chatting with Nick. He is giving me a pep talk about going to my parents.
This week has been okay…I have been procrastinating though. I had lots to do and did not do most of it. I am still feeling lightness even…though I am overwhelmed right now.
Friday night I went to a play party. It was nice as usual. I did not play but at the end did ask someone if he would like to play sometime. He asked me about switching…*smiles* I just can’t. I am very sadistic but not with men. I would be worrying if I hit him to hard lol He is a masochist so for sure that would not be a good experience for him.
It is Moni’s birthday on Monday and since I am not going to be here I gave her - her birthday present early. I got her a signed copy of Hand in a Bush by Deborah Addington. It is a book on fisting *grins* I think Katrina was happy with my birthday present lol
I had not spent much time with Moni lately and so we needed some quality time. We did not have much time but I am very glad we were able to have some time together.
I can’t believe it is going to be 2003 soon.
I will be at my parents for 2 weeks and not sure how much…or even if I will be able to post at all to my journal while there. Just not sure. I am bringing my handwritten journal of course because I can’t live without writing.
Well I think I need to go have a good cry and finish packing….lol
Friday, December 20, 2002
Friday Five
1. What holiday or holidays do you celebrate this time of year?
Christmas....My family opens presents on Christmas Eve. We have dinner, go to church, come home and open presents.
2. What was the best gift you have ever received?
hmmm best gift....my ruby ring from my ex-husband. It meant a lot to me how he gave it to me. Why he gave it to me and it was just very beautiful.
3. What was the worst gift you've ever given?
A pink sweatshirt with bears on it that carried signs that said shop til you drop and born to shop on them *cringing*
4. Where will you be celebrating the holidays? Are you hosting? Going away?
I will be celebrating the holiday's with my family. I am going to Minnesota to be with them :)
5. If you could spend the holidays with someone who isn't around, who would it be with? Why?
Morgan...because I never got to spend a Christmas with her. I miss her and love her very much still.
1. What holiday or holidays do you celebrate this time of year?
Christmas....My family opens presents on Christmas Eve. We have dinner, go to church, come home and open presents.
2. What was the best gift you have ever received?
hmmm best gift....my ruby ring from my ex-husband. It meant a lot to me how he gave it to me. Why he gave it to me and it was just very beautiful.
3. What was the worst gift you've ever given?
A pink sweatshirt with bears on it that carried signs that said shop til you drop and born to shop on them *cringing*
4. Where will you be celebrating the holidays? Are you hosting? Going away?
I will be celebrating the holiday's with my family. I am going to Minnesota to be with them :)
5. If you could spend the holidays with someone who isn't around, who would it be with? Why?
Morgan...because I never got to spend a Christmas with her. I miss her and love her very much still.
Thursday, December 19, 2002
I feel that lightness that I have always had…there but it is like the clouds are finally fading.
I feel good and positive.
Depression seems to be lifting. I have lots to do in my life but I am not worried about it…it feels like things will come together for me.
I am tired but know that…peace is coming soon.
I have lots to do…this week. I leave on Sunday morning for my parents.
A while back I received a post on an email group about sub vs. slave. And basically describing what this person thought the difference between the two.
It said that for a submissive it was about control and guidance. And for a slave it was about obedience. Okay…I can kind of see that. But I also then think I am both. What I did not agree with…was this person said that…a submissive did not really “care” if she did not please or was punished. And I want control and guidance. But I am obedient….to a fault almost. Not really a fault…it is…that I just put my duty….my code…when I commit to a D/s relationship means I am giving all. And even if I don’t agree and even if it goes against my basic principles of who I am…I need to obey. If I did not trust that person to run my life….then I should not have put myself in his hands is my view. I say that because I hear the people that go well what if he told you to jump off the Superior Street Bridge would you…well the catch is you don’t commit and submit to someone that you do not trust.
This past weekend….I went to Detroit. It was a pretty short and easy trip. I did not spend lots of time with j talking or hanging out because she was sick. I mostly took care of her and then did some grocery shopping and cooking for her and her Master. On Saturday I went to a party and the people I met there last time said I was glowing.
And then I had someone say that on Monday too. I guess I am right now : )
There was one woman there….that omg….I was drooling! LOL She is a bbw and she just had it all going on…yummy! I stood there imagining being between her legs. Really I did. *blushes* I was very horny this weekend too. lol
Monday on my way back I went to a SMART meeting. I don’t think people get what goes on to run a BDSM organization. People just want to come, socialize, maybe see something neat or learn something and then leave. They think someone else will run it…and that they don’t want too. But it is always the same people that seem to help out. I wish more people would get INVOLVED! Okay ending the mini-rant : )
Tuesday I was a bum really I was….I was tired and tried catching up on sleep. I have not crashed yet from my….odd sleeping schedule yet. And that worries me. But maybe I will sleep while at my parents but probably not…I usually don’t feel comfortable to sleep there. I know odd.
I talked to Ray on the phone last night. That was nice. I had not talked to him on the phone in a while. He is a good friend . After I talked to him…I then talked with a friend in Minnesota online. We talked about meeting up when I am there. And then I talked with Nick. It was a serious talk.
It was needed though….I had to be honest with him and myself. It was so hard…as I care for Nick a lot and I did not want to lose him. And I did not because he is a GREAT guy : )
Wrote all the above on Wednesday….
Going to talk about my thinking/decision making process some….
I go for weeks with an issue in the back of my mind….it is there and I am mulling it over and over and over. I often don’t talk about it out loud. I just keep it there and say okay this is my decision. And thus people in my life feel I am making a decision fast, when in fact I had been making the decision for weeks.
My life might seem chaotic but really every decision I make is very conscious and controlled. It is the control freak of me that does not - talk about my issues.
Going to post this but I have lots I need to write about….well at least it feels like it.
I feel good and positive.
Depression seems to be lifting. I have lots to do in my life but I am not worried about it…it feels like things will come together for me.
I am tired but know that…peace is coming soon.
I have lots to do…this week. I leave on Sunday morning for my parents.
A while back I received a post on an email group about sub vs. slave. And basically describing what this person thought the difference between the two.
It said that for a submissive it was about control and guidance. And for a slave it was about obedience. Okay…I can kind of see that. But I also then think I am both. What I did not agree with…was this person said that…a submissive did not really “care” if she did not please or was punished. And I want control and guidance. But I am obedient….to a fault almost. Not really a fault…it is…that I just put my duty….my code…when I commit to a D/s relationship means I am giving all. And even if I don’t agree and even if it goes against my basic principles of who I am…I need to obey. If I did not trust that person to run my life….then I should not have put myself in his hands is my view. I say that because I hear the people that go well what if he told you to jump off the Superior Street Bridge would you…well the catch is you don’t commit and submit to someone that you do not trust.
This past weekend….I went to Detroit. It was a pretty short and easy trip. I did not spend lots of time with j talking or hanging out because she was sick. I mostly took care of her and then did some grocery shopping and cooking for her and her Master. On Saturday I went to a party and the people I met there last time said I was glowing.
And then I had someone say that on Monday too. I guess I am right now : )
There was one woman there….that omg….I was drooling! LOL She is a bbw and she just had it all going on…yummy! I stood there imagining being between her legs. Really I did. *blushes* I was very horny this weekend too. lol
Monday on my way back I went to a SMART meeting. I don’t think people get what goes on to run a BDSM organization. People just want to come, socialize, maybe see something neat or learn something and then leave. They think someone else will run it…and that they don’t want too. But it is always the same people that seem to help out. I wish more people would get INVOLVED! Okay ending the mini-rant : )
Tuesday I was a bum really I was….I was tired and tried catching up on sleep. I have not crashed yet from my….odd sleeping schedule yet. And that worries me. But maybe I will sleep while at my parents but probably not…I usually don’t feel comfortable to sleep there. I know odd.
I talked to Ray on the phone last night. That was nice. I had not talked to him on the phone in a while. He is a good friend . After I talked to him…I then talked with a friend in Minnesota online. We talked about meeting up when I am there. And then I talked with Nick. It was a serious talk.
It was needed though….I had to be honest with him and myself. It was so hard…as I care for Nick a lot and I did not want to lose him. And I did not because he is a GREAT guy : )
Wrote all the above on Wednesday….
Going to talk about my thinking/decision making process some….
I go for weeks with an issue in the back of my mind….it is there and I am mulling it over and over and over. I often don’t talk about it out loud. I just keep it there and say okay this is my decision. And thus people in my life feel I am making a decision fast, when in fact I had been making the decision for weeks.
My life might seem chaotic but really every decision I make is very conscious and controlled. It is the control freak of me that does not - talk about my issues.
Going to post this but I have lots I need to write about….well at least it feels like it.
Tuesday, December 17, 2002
Monday Mission
1. So, what do you want for Christmas this year that you probably won't get?
The thing I want...I know I will get in the New Year :)
2. What do you know you will be receiving for Christmas this year?
A plane ticket home...I have not seen my family in a year so that will be good.
3. If you had the means to do so, what presents would you get some of your fellow bloggers? Be specific, it's more fun that way!
I would give everyone understanding and peace. This last year was not the best one for many people in my life....and I want to give them a better year this year. I know I am being mushy, corny and so on....but it is true.
4. Do you support any organizations that provide for the less fortunate during the holidays? Or do any volunteer work?
I have always given money to various charities this will be the first year I don‘t have the money to in a while.
5. Each year about this time, I notice Church attendance seems to spike, then drops off sharply after Christmas. It tickles me that these folks think they are pulling a fast one on the Big Guy. What is the most recent thing guilt has motivated you to do?
I don't think people think they are pulling a fast one do you? hmm I think they are maybe inspired to go....this time of the year maybe brings them closer to their spirituality? Okay well at least I can hope that is the reason. I don't go to church....but I am spiritual and I guess I don't see the need to go to church to show what I believe in.
Okay to answer the question....telling Him something.
6. According to the commercials, the only way to truly tell someone you love them on Christmas day is to let them "Unwrap a Jaguar" automobile. Are there any examples of excessive commercialism and/or blatant disregard for the "Christmas Spirit" that really get under your skin?
I guess what I don't like is movies that don't release their DVD/video until right before the holiday because they know it will make them extra money. Good marketing yes but it just annoys me.
7. I remember a song where the singers wished they could teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony. What would you like to teach the world?
understanding
BONUS: Do they know it's Christmas time at all?
No I am not sure they do.
Tuesday This-n-That
1. Christmas dinner: turkey or ham (or something else)? My preference would Turkey but my family usually on Christmas Day has Brisket or Prime Rib
2. Candy canes or chocolate? Chocolate of course
3. Fruit basket or fruitcake? Fruit basket
4. Mulled cider or mulled wine? Mulled cider *yummy*
5. Eggnog or hot chocolate? Hot chocolate
6. Holiday cookies: homemade or store-bought? Homemade
7. Roasting chestnuts or popping corn? Popping corn
8. On the buffet table: veggie platter or cheese tray? Veggie platter preferably with red peppers :)
9. Apple or pumpkin pie? Pumpkin
10. Christmas Day breakfast: before or after gift-opening? Cinnamon rolls....and we open presents Christmas Eve :) But eat the cinnamon rolls after getting stockings
1. So, what do you want for Christmas this year that you probably won't get?
The thing I want...I know I will get in the New Year :)
2. What do you know you will be receiving for Christmas this year?
A plane ticket home...I have not seen my family in a year so that will be good.
3. If you had the means to do so, what presents would you get some of your fellow bloggers? Be specific, it's more fun that way!
I would give everyone understanding and peace. This last year was not the best one for many people in my life....and I want to give them a better year this year. I know I am being mushy, corny and so on....but it is true.
4. Do you support any organizations that provide for the less fortunate during the holidays? Or do any volunteer work?
I have always given money to various charities this will be the first year I don‘t have the money to in a while.
5. Each year about this time, I notice Church attendance seems to spike, then drops off sharply after Christmas. It tickles me that these folks think they are pulling a fast one on the Big Guy. What is the most recent thing guilt has motivated you to do?
I don't think people think they are pulling a fast one do you? hmm I think they are maybe inspired to go....this time of the year maybe brings them closer to their spirituality? Okay well at least I can hope that is the reason. I don't go to church....but I am spiritual and I guess I don't see the need to go to church to show what I believe in.
Okay to answer the question....telling Him something.
6. According to the commercials, the only way to truly tell someone you love them on Christmas day is to let them "Unwrap a Jaguar" automobile. Are there any examples of excessive commercialism and/or blatant disregard for the "Christmas Spirit" that really get under your skin?
I guess what I don't like is movies that don't release their DVD/video until right before the holiday because they know it will make them extra money. Good marketing yes but it just annoys me.
7. I remember a song where the singers wished they could teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony. What would you like to teach the world?
understanding
BONUS: Do they know it's Christmas time at all?
No I am not sure they do.
Tuesday This-n-That
1. Christmas dinner: turkey or ham (or something else)? My preference would Turkey but my family usually on Christmas Day has Brisket or Prime Rib
2. Candy canes or chocolate? Chocolate of course
3. Fruit basket or fruitcake? Fruit basket
4. Mulled cider or mulled wine? Mulled cider *yummy*
5. Eggnog or hot chocolate? Hot chocolate
6. Holiday cookies: homemade or store-bought? Homemade
7. Roasting chestnuts or popping corn? Popping corn
8. On the buffet table: veggie platter or cheese tray? Veggie platter preferably with red peppers :)
9. Apple or pumpkin pie? Pumpkin
10. Christmas Day breakfast: before or after gift-opening? Cinnamon rolls....and we open presents Christmas Eve :) But eat the cinnamon rolls after getting stockings
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