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There is always a certain peace in being what one is, in being that completely. - Ugo Betti

Whatever decision we think we are making is actually being made for us, because the decision is the end result of a thought and we have no control over the arising of the thought. -Ramesh Balsekar

Bleu's Journal

Bleu's journal entry today (the 3rd entry for the 28th)...touched me in for more then one reason....

It was so intense....just so intense...I keep re-reading it over and over again. I feel it....feel it....

Last night I had dream...very intense dream.

I wrote to M this morning...about a dream I had that seemed to reclaim some of my past.....the dreams disturbed me....but it did just as she said reclaimed the power from it.

The other reason I like this entry....it is how I want to feel so much....I want more then my body to hurt....I crave it so very very much....

I need it.

The confession...that part....keeps going through my mind....and of course that last line does too.

ohhhhh

It must have been last Tuesday's episode of Buffy....but Amiee Mann played on it....and I really liked it.....I don't know what song she sang for sure but I am almost positive it had to be this...one.

It is called Save me....(and of course I like it...I am even singing to it....even with my voice that is being affected by my voice...which is making me thinking of a memory. Kam always said he liked it when I sang because he knew I was happy in that moment.)

You look like - a perfect fit
For a girl in need of a tourniquet

But can you - save me
Come on and - save me
If you could - save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone

'Cause I can tell
You know what it's like
The long farewell
Of the hunger strike

But can you save me
Come on and save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone

You struck me dumb like radium
Like Peter Pan or Superman

You will come to save me
C'mon and save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
'Cept the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
But the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone

C'mon and save me
Why don't you save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone

Except the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
Except the freaks who could never love anyone

No matter how hard you pursue pleasure and success, there are times when you fail. No matter how fast you flee, there are times when pain catches up with you. -Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, "Mindfulness In Plain English"

okay so shoot me.....lol....but i found this one right after that last......and of course look what it came up.....




Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla



Of course i don't like that scared to make decision stuff....because....welll...i am a control freak :)

Okay last one for a while....you know I get in these happy quizzing moods.....lol


What Type Of Retro Gal Are You?
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You are the seductress pin-up! You are self-explanatory. You slut!


*grins* Well the slut part i know is true! lol

You aren't sure where you came from. Perhaps your sire did an embrace and run. Or maybe your sire was an outcast himself. Either way, your powers are unique and really don't belong to any clan...or maybe a little from each. Because you of these circumstances, you aren't really sure where you belong. You tend to wander and do a bit of soul searching in your eternal life. Maybe some day...you have a while after all

What Vampire Clan Do You Belong To?

Test Created By Oronoda

What type of artist are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


You're the classic starving artist. You thrive and take pride in the pain that you turn into art. You've probably had a very traumatic childhood and now confide in paper more than people... You have trouble remembering where you put your damn pens... all the time.

When a person doesn't have gratitude, something is missing in his or her humanity. A person can almost be defined by his or her attitude toward gratitude. - Elie Wiesel

i feel like I am on edge...and that I am going to have nightmares when I go to bed tonight. :( I am not happy about that tought....

I talked to M for about 10 minutes. Nothing was discussed about him and I....so that is still pending.

I am back at Bill and Lisa's. It snowed on the way back. I am starting to get antsy about money. I need to start working again. So, this weekend I plan on getting the things done so I can start again.

Craving pain tonight....no craving to be nothing and to suffer. But I am craving to feel pain too. I have not had any marks since before I left for Detroit. I miss the marks. I miss them very much. I miss the way it feels when he hurts me...I miss the way it feels when I suffer. I feel it bubbling in my veins.....

Well my mind is going in a million directions!

I have been thinking about the process of being enslaved this morning. I have been thinking about Monseigneur E and Linda lots. I had been thinking of them lots anyway but now I have another reason they were brought up front. I have been thinking about girlfriends.

Okay backing up...don't want to get ahead of myself.

I was chatting with someone last night and talking about how I react to the control. How I fight it even though....I know with everything in me that I need it. So why do I fight it? I am not quite sure but I think it has to do with trust. Most of the time the control comes....fast...which I like.....but it comes to a level of....where I am not sure I should trust that person with all of my life because what if they do something to screw it up. Nice huh?

I think it is just reactance to lack of control. Even though I want that...I have been in control a long time and so I have got used to doing things "my" way. And "my" way has worked and is good for me...soooo why should I do it another way? Oh yeah...because I want to please and serve *grin* Well I do....but I am scared of giving someone that trust and then....ending up where I am at....like right now.....where the long term affects of the control are that I get to pick of the pieces of my life and say great now what.

So I do have trouble giving up that control. With M....I struggle with it but really with M the fear that is involved in our relationship....I know not to fight the control. But he also does not have a lot of control of everyday things. He has control when I am with him...but not much more control then that. I am not sure how I would react if he took more control.

Moni and I were talking today about that I really should not give anyone control until I meet them face to face.....I am still....hurting from things done with Monseigneur E. Those things had long term effects and it really bothers me that....it feels like...I was kind of dropped to the side when things got tough. I had lots of anger yesterday. First time I really got that angry. Grieving process I guess.

It has been really hard for me not to email or im him. But I have not....and when I get the urge I tell Katrina or Aydeen and they stop me lol

I also had them brought up front last night because I found out someone that I have been chatting with knows them real life. Small world huh?

Okay last topic girlfriends....

I was thinking about someone this morning who told me they had a crush on me. I was thinking about her because well she is great. She is a good friend...she is very pretty, she is very sensual....and we have a lot in common. Her and I had a talk a while back because....she knew it was not going to go anywhere...and I started thinking about that this morning...

My focus right now is wanting to find my Master. That is the path I have been on...

I want a girlfriend but...because my main focus is this search....I don't feel I can give....into a "real" relationship with a girlfriend. And because of that....I think I would hurt this person and any person I might get involved with. And so I don't look for a girlfriend because I don't want to hurt anyone. I was trying to think about what I am looking for in a girlfriend....I need someone who does not need me...where we are friends and every once in a while have a hot date one night where it is steamy and soft and tender all at once. And then back to friends. I guess that is why it works with my friend in Detroit (who I really need to get a name for here) because I can go and see her and hang out and just be friends have a hot night where she bring the slut out in me and then I can come back here...to Ohio and be on my path again.

Why I thought of this....well I am going to see this person I had been thinking about tonight....and so that is what I am sure spawned my thoughts of a girlfriend and not wanting to hurt her. I know she has this all resolved in her mind but I guess I did not in mine.

Well I suppose I better head home I am at Moni's still. Not spell checking this so sorry for any huge errors :) I know there are always grammar errors. :)

Can a slave have expectations?

I believe a slave can be searching for that one she wants and have expectations....before she accepts to owned as a slave...she needs to be very clear with what she wants and expects. After she has accepted that she will be his slave....then she cannot expect anything other then what they negotiated.

Okay do I find this realistic...no. Why? Because I don't actually believe a person going into a relationship comes to the table with everything out on the table. Because as you start your relationship you are still getting to know one another.

Compatibility seems to be one of the top reasons relationships don't last because they get into it fast with these few deep interests taking over and then find out that all these other things vanilla included are not clicking and matching up. Gawd do I know I do that...lol :)

I guess to me...a D/s couple grow to be Master and slave and then expectations in the slave soon fall to the way side because one they are getting to know each others likes and dislikes and two perhaps the most important...trust is built and that submissive as well as that Dominant are going to trust that when that Dominant says he is going to do something he will and when that submissive says she will do something she will. They learn to trust that each other is looking out for the best interest of them as a couple. They learn to trust their feelings for each other. They learn to trust their...lives together are going to go forward and will be OKAY.

I have some friends that they entered into their relationship....and she started with limits. He allowed those limits because he knew that eventually she would learn to trust him and DESIRE so badly to lose them that she would let go of her safety net. And she did. Her giving those to him was a big step and he was very proud of her. And she wanted to do it because their relaitonship had grown to that point where she wanted to give him everything. It does not happen over night....that trust needs to build.

Okay done with my little rant :)

"heart is removed, you tripped on the rug, now you're shimmerless and infected like a drug. your wishes are meaningful, your contents a glare.. but if you think you can run from me i think you should be scared." ~ by Senah a blog I just stumbled across tonight and kind liked that.

Lately I have not listed the music I am listening to but I am still of course listening to music. It has been heavier for me then my normal tunes...Linkin Park In the End...I listened to over and over about a hundred times last week. One day I played nothing but that and Puddle of Mudd.

Here is the lyrics to In the End by Linkin Park

"In The End"

(It starts with)
One thing / I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on / but didn’t even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried
so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
One thing / I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so (far)
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
You kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

good song...

And then another one that I am singing to a lot right now....


by Puddle of Mudd

"Blurry"

Everything's so blurry
and everyone's so fake
and everybody's empty
and everything is so messed up
pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i'll protect you
from all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
imagine where you are
there's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it my face

Everyone is changing
there's noone left that's real
to make up your own ending
and let me know just how you feel
cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i will save you
from all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

[Chorus]

Nobody told me what you thought
nobody told me what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
told you when to runaway
nobody told you where to hide
nobody told you what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
showed you when to runaway

[Chorus]

This pain you gave to me

You take it all
You take it all away...
This pain you gave to me
You take it all away
This pain you gave to me
Take it all away
This pain you gave to me

Don't you think those are interesting lyrics to be going with the moods, situations and life just happening with me?

Ohhh look at the lyrics for Control by Puddle of Mudd! Some good lyrics there :) Make me think of M in some parts of it!

Last night was Carpe Diem and I always enjoy being around friends. I then went to the play party afterwards but did not play. And that was no big deal to me. I am not feeling well still so that fine with me.

Something that has been going on is...I have been dealing with some Kam issues/feelings/thoughts. And last night I gave the rest of his things to a friend of ours. And then today I got an email from him. It was a hard email to read. I know I have not even fully digested it yet. I don't want to have to deal with it actually, but will eventually. I know it had to be a VERY hard email for him to write. I do appreciate him writing it though. I love Kam and always will. He changed my life....forever.

I saw M today for just a little bit.....I think he was going to just go play with me but then I asked to talk to him so we went to lunch...him ordering for me of course...and he made a good choice. I am VERY silly but one of my favorite meals is...cheeseburger and fries. This burger he got me was a 3 cheese - cheeseburger and it was REALLY good!

Anyway, we talked about the things I did not want to be a grown up and talk about. I did not want to have to stand up and say yes this is what I need because basically my fear he will stop seeing me....and I like so much about him. I like how I feel when I am with him. I like the things he does to me of course...the brutal and extreme things. I like just our talks and hanging out too. I like that I feel safe and protected and cherished (that word seems so weird to me to be describing how I feel with M but it is true) I like when he tease me. I like when he is sarcastic and funny. He has many wonderful qualities that make it very easy to want him. So I talked and then he talked. He gave me a few things to think about and so I drove back to Moni's and thought about those and then wrote him with some things that I thought about so right now it seems we are in a standstill of talking.

He did something right before we left....he actually stopped me from leaving to do.....and of course it got to me....it made me giddy and that rush I get from him when we play....I got that same rush from this simple little act....of...affection....silly me :) *blushing*

While in Detroit I did lots of thinking but I also had some dreams and then in one of the dreams it was basically telling me not to ignore my dreams. I woke up wide awake knowing that I had to confront M about some things I have issues with....and a lot of it goes back to Todd. I know it is not fair to put my past on to M but I need to also learn from my past. I have had lots of dreams of Todd lately where it proves to me where he was an illusion. I am not saying M is...an illusion but...he does have some things that he does not open up to me about that give me red flags. And I give him A LOT of trust when I play with him as hard as we play.

When I got back from Detroit, I was talking to Sir Laz one night and he asked me about my goal. And I told him my goal and he said are you on a path for it....

And when he said the word path I burst into tears. Because this light bulb came on that said to myself...that I got off my path. And so now I am trying to get back on it. And I think M is actually very proud of me for doing that but I also think he believes I gave him a to z already so why do I need to cut it back to a to m. He also has had the luxury of almost complete control...he knew he could pretty much ask me to do anything and I would....scary thought huh? But it is true. And now...I want some of that control back and he does not want to give that up at all. And to be fair...if I met him and said that he could have control of a to m but I had control of n to z he would have never got involved with me. Not that M expects complete control instantly but....he has guidelines and within the guidelines there is some control for the submissive but he has most of the control.

So it is not fair of me to say....I want this now. Can there be a middle ground worked towards....maybe. Maybe not though.

I started to cry in the car today with him....I think that maybe surprised him and caught him off guard. I had some tears with the pain he has given me but not tears of sadness with him. I am really scared...

ending that like that...because right now....life is just kind of scary.

My life is pending...as Moni would say.