Birthday Blues

Well I am thankful that migraines stayed away while out of town but I started my period this week so with it comes migraines and so day 2 of migraine here (well going on day 3 now I guess). My period this month has been so odd. I spotted at the beginning of the month for a few days. I then started my "real" period slowly on Wednesday and now it is in its horrible stage of 3 ibuprofen don't even touch the pain. One good thing is that my period should be done by my birthday.

Okay as everyone knows I am a big person on birthdays. It is day to celebrate. And I try to celebrate my friends and family as I am truly happy that they are in the world! And even my own birthday I try to honor too but this year is REALLY hard. I will be turning 40 on the 18th and not looking forward to it at all. I am glad I get to see my parents but I am really wishing they would have come at another time. But I know they want to celebrate my 40th birthday with me. I just thought I would like to have some time to curl up and cry for a bit.

As I said I am happy to see my parents. I miss them but just not happy about celebrating and making a big deal of my birthday this year.

Master's family is big on celebrating birthdays too. And even though I asked them not to last year - they invited family over. I still celebrated last year properly last year even if family had not come over. And really I couldn't enjoy myself as much because family was over. I had to be on more. So this year I am trying hard not for it not to get into a big family thing. Just my parents and his out to dinner and that is it. (oh yeah and this will be my parents and his parents first meeting so more stress to add on top of my icky birthday).

So why am I not wanting to "celebrate" - 40 shouldn't be a big deal? And I know plenty of people have told me their 40's were the best time of their life. I get that. I think I am just going through some depression in general and just not happy with myself. (just to make clear - glad I am in the relationship I am in and glad that many things in my life have developed as they have - just not happy with some things with myself as person.)

So that is where I am at...right now. In crying, moody, hurty, depressed mood. I should be asking for some cheese with my whine.

ps: I know I would have friends worrying about wishing me a happy birthday but please don't change what you would do. I just am needing to vent and get this out

**icon from Breakfast at Tiffany's because I am watching it right now

SM during my Period?

This is talking about my period....and erotic and SM thoughts with it too but will contain talk of blood.

I had my period a few weeks ago. One day during it I was standing in the bathroom ready to get in the shower so naked. Master came in to tell me something and we chatted about it for just a few minutes. He then looked me up and down and at the floor...there was a puddle of blood on the floor and blood running down my legs. Master had that look on his face....that look of a sadist thinking wicked thoughts. My mind didn't catch up at that time as I just was fed up with my period so I actually didn't notice/recall his reaction until a few days later. It just is that after a few heavy days of bleeding I am ready for it to be done - especially since mine usually come with migraines and severe cramping so it took a while for my brain to say "hey Master was turned on by that." But to tell the truth playing - SM type of play - with my period didn't sound fun...so even though I could picture that glint in Master's eye did't mean I would be happy if we did play.....that is how it started at least...

Since that moment of realizing it turned him on...as well with all things I of course start thinking about it....and thinking about it...and thinking about it. Just like when my friend mentioned shaving my head. At first I was horrified and then it turned me on and I thought about it all the time.

And the same has come with my period.

I don't mind sex during my period. But at times I have old baggage comes up making me "feel bad." My ex-husband couldn't stand the sight of blood. He barely gave me hugs or kisses during the week of my period. No snuggling usually and probably would have liked to sleep separately during it. He had no problem being in the bathroom with me the other 3 weeks of the month but during my period he stayed away. Yet he would take blow jobs everyday. He would put a porn in the vcr (before dvd players), sit on the couch and call me to him. I would kneel before him giving him a blow job while he watched porn. And I was pushed away after he came. He didn't touch me during the blow job. Oh occasionally he would tit fuck me. But most of the time he had me just give him a blow job fully dressed. So.....after that.....I have had a few hang ups about my period and sex.

Most of the other men I have been involved with have not had a problem having sex during my period. And when it is not in its heavy phase I like it too...during my heavy bleeding it just hurts too much...not a good pain. But during the first few days or last couple days...it feels very good. And usually during my period I am horny so I really wanting to be fucked.

Master knows that I have had past problems with sex during my period because of my ex-husband so at times he sees that look in my face and my body tense when he uses me during that time of the month. It bothers him that my ex made me feel so bad about it and he at times just backs away during that time of the month. And I then of course feel guilty.

But on the occasion that I was standing in the bathroom he didn't hid his desire. Looking at his face was clear he was thinking very sadistic thoughts. I don't know those thoughts for sure because well I didn't catch on until later and by that time...well he has been out of town so just never brought it up. (Probably will be discussing it after he reads this post though huh?) But since catching on...and since he has been gone I have been masturbating quite a bit so one day my thoughts when to...him using and abusing me during my period.

My thoughts range from just being fucked hard and having blood all over him and me after. To more kind of darker object kind of fantasies yet I do wonder how those fantasies would make me feel considering when I was with my ex - it was like I was an object during my period. The thoughts are of heavy sm - bruises from punching & being kicked, constant welts and cuts from being caned so much, hood (and in this form it aligns with Master's view of a hood more then mine*), hobbled or even more so all the chains that connect from wrists to collar to waist to ankles - making it harder to move, naked (and yes I mean naked), stuck in the closet for long periods of time, not allow a shower (normally I shower at times 2 times a day during my period) and eating out of the dog dish and at time only being allowed to eat once day. I think every dark thought I have ever had has popped into my head these last 2 weeks while masturbating but it all centers around use and abuse during my period.

Now again...reality....what would the emotional and physical affects of being used so hard during my period? That of course is the rub for me and that usually stops me from vocalizing many thoughts that go through my head. But the thoughts are there and very strong intense images that hang on all day long....making me wet and that deep craving at the core isn't keeping very quiet now.

(* the hood is normally a very safe place that sends me into a nice just blackness that makes me float....Master likes hoods because he looks and sees and object or his "thing" without identity. I am purely his property in that moment with no name or use outside of what he wants to do to me. Blog entry on hoods includes pictures of me in a few hoods.)

yay hormones!

Started my period today. A few days early. But here is my typical period type story of me LOSING MY BRAIN! Tonight I am making dinner - Master and I are going to watch a West Wing during dinner so I am going to bring my water from the kitchen to the living room. It was sitting on the counter next to the grillmate that I used last night. I picked up the grillmate and headed to the living room. Master looks at me looks at my hand. I look at my hand and look at him and we both bust up laughing. He said, "remind me to help you make the pie tomorrow." (I am making dessert to bring to dinner at some friends.)

This that and PMS and slavery

Thank you for everyone in allowing me to do my rant about Valentine's....I had just had read one too many anti-Valentine's/anti-romance post.

Today can be summed with 3 words: Tired Tired Tired. We have had a really long although fast week. Yep both. Lots going on that was very involved. I have been washing and folding clothes today so I can get us packed tonight. We leave tomorrow afternoon.

Although I am looking forward to seeing my sisters...my time with my family is always very rushed and I feel like I don't get to really enjoy time with them. And with all we have going on this weekend I believe it will be the same.

Okay on to another subject...PMS and the life of a slave....which we did an essay about several years ago but it seems like it is something that is a constant lesson or area to work on.

I am pmsing bad this month...add in lack of sleep, and just a lot on our plate...and well...I am losing my calmness...losing my attitude. I have snapped at Master more times than I would like to admit. Last night before bed...all I wanted to do was to climb into bed and go to sleep, but first I had the list of things that I felt should be done before bed...garbage needed to be taken out to the cans, coffee pot needed to be washed, dishwasher started, clothes to put in the dryer...and so on...really I could count about 10 things that could have been done but about 6 got done. It overwhelmed me and made me feel more exhausted. I hate when I go into the mindset of "why couldn't he....wash his coffee pot out....he is the one that drinks coffee." I hate that I do that because really he had just come off putting a hard video together in about 48 hours and hadn't much sleep so why would I want to burden him more. I don't. We both are tired. We both just running around crazy. So why does my thought of why can't he do this...come up...? Is it ego? Is it just exhaustion so I don't see it as it is but as it feels in the moment? Is it just psm? Even if it is exhaustion or pms...doesn't mean it is a good practice to excuse it on those. I just wish I knew a way to reign it in.

I usually can see what is going on but I just am not sure how to bring myself back to center. It is like the emotions just fill me up and I can't feel or see anything but whatever is going on in that moment. I know I have pms. I recognize it right away. But just recognizing doesn't mean it goes away magically or makes it easier to control. It does help me be more aware of it. But doesn't "fix" the things I feel because of it. Some months it seems easy. And other months it seems like my skin..my emotions...everything vibrates on a much more sensitive level and so things that normally are perfectly wonderful aren't suddenly. I really hate it is

just pms

....that it is the reason for it. Because although I don't think PMS means free reign I do know it still causes valid real symptoms that can be hard to keep a normal routine normal and my mindset even.

Not all here...

Today started out good, but has not kept going that way. Blasted period. Sometimes I am not all that affected...light cramps, a little tired and so on. But other months it is this month. I am so freakin tired. And coordination....

none available

...is blinking in huge neon lights. Mental capacity is also on the same blinking neon sign not available.

A run down of what happened today...I woke up with dreams of Tipping the Velvet (read some of it before I went to bed) so was ummm a little turned on. Master was up already so I grabbed the Hitachi and had a wonderful orgasm. After I went to unload the dishwasher and I kept dropping things...nothing broke thank goodness. I go to put a bowl up in the cupboard and miss the cupboard even though I am looking right at it. It is just like I can't judge the amount of space between here and there. That happens several times. So that was my first problem of the day. Next the cinnamon rolls were not rising - not that had anything to do with my period coming on but it did frustrate me more then usual.

Last night Master and I noticed when I made meatloaf that - there was a burning smell - when I looked in the oven I didn't see anything that had spilled in the bottom but today when I went to preheat the oven it was there again. I looked in the oven again. Please feel free to laugh...really I am being serious...there was a potholder in the oven. I made garlic cheesy bread early in the week to serve with pasta and I think when I put the cheese on it after toasting the bread the potholder I had set it on - stuck to the pan so when I put it back in the oven to melt the cheese the potholder went in too. Anyway, I didn't see it when looked last night because the meatloaf pan was blocking it. So took some tongs and pulled the charred potholder out and stuck the cinnamon rolls in. But there was a problem. They weren't baking. I then noticed the oven was off. When I saw the potholder in the oven I must have turned the oven off. Finally got that resolved but the cinnamon rolls you know where rising before and so they still didn't look much better after baking so I was again frustrated.

Next I went to get Master's coffee and took the creamer out of the fridge. I pressed it open and in doing so it slide off the counter, toppled over, spilled and splashed all over. It is sticky....one of those flavored creamers. I cleaned it up...and the floor feels slick. So I clean it 3 more times and it is still slick. Master had an appointment and shortly after he left I just became incredibly tired so had to lay down. I hate the tiredness of it...barely able to keep my eyes open. I guess I should be thankful there haven't been any other klutz moments. But I know I have been forgetting things all day. Like laundry in the washer to put in the dryer. Leaving the cheese out on the counter after dinner. Oh this one is good...I put brown sugar in the fridge last night too and found it today. And I tried to put the tums in the microwave instead of the cupboard above it. Blasted period!

I just hope that is gets better instead of worse as the week wears on with Master out of town i

t would be horrible if I broke my toe

while moving furniture to steam clean the carpets this week. I better scratch that out so I don't create my own reality.

Bad Week that I want to Change....

What is that quote by Ganhdi..."Be the Change you Want to See"

We are both having an off week. I have had my period/hormonal problems for almost 2 weeks and a migraine pretty consistent all week and Master is having a rough time at work - working long hours and lots of draining projects. We don't seem to communicate well during these type of times. Often during my period I think I pull away because I am worried about what if I say something wrong or do something wrong. The irrational thoughts of he will toss me to the curb if I am not doing everything right really heighten during my period. So I pull away yet during my period I often desire that closeness and connectedness more because I feel so emotional. Master pulls inside of himself when he is stressed. So as everyone knows when communication is not going well it causes lots of little bumps in the relationship. I feel we have had a very bumpy week and I am sure Master feels the same way.

I know it will get better. And I know that although we are both having bad weeks there are things we can do to help. So I guess maybe that is what we should be focusing on...creating quality time for us to connect - that will help our mental and emotional attitudes. I think I will try to create a pamper Master night - dinner, candles, bottle of wine, have jet tub ready, massage oils next to bed and such.

So I am off to make sure things are clean and tip-top for tonight. Oh something else I thought I would share that I do often when doing these kind of services that aren't in the normal routine of things....is a little ritual meditation/prayer. I actually though haven't done it for a long time and so I want to make a conscious effort to do that today.

One of the comments I often hear from other slaves and submissives is they hope come to the peace that I have in slavery. Meditation and my spiritually, I feel, play a huge factor in the peace and calm I feel in slavery. And really you can link back to when I haven't been studying, practicing my spirituality as much then life just feels more chaotic. So doing this ritual today will help me mentally and emotionally I am sure.

I sit or kneel (whatever my knee can handle at the time). I sometimes light incense or a candle and focus on the smoke or flame for a bit (probably won't do this today as I don't want to spike a migraine with the scent) then I close my eyes and start empty my mind. I think of serving Master. I ask blessing on my service to Him. I ask for grace in serving Him. I ask for clarity to see what He needs. I ask for light, laughter, and love to come to us. I ask for things for Master also. Today I will probably ask in the dining room ritual for His dinner to nourish and fill him with contentment. The bathroom I will ask for the tub to wash away his stress. And so on.

So off to do cleaning, preparing and ritual.

Life Update

Just some random things.....

I have just been so busy with art lately that I don't have time to write.

Master is still working very long hours so I am alone a lot.

My allergies are terrible right now.

I have my period right now and it is horrible. On Saturday Master tucked me into bed it was so bad.

Sunday Master worked so hard outside. It was things that I could not help with due to heights (He was on the roof) and allergies. It was pretty much an all day affair for Him. While He worked outside, I proceeded with my spring cleaning. Every room except our bedroom is done with spring cleaning now.

I need to do some webmaster work this week

I need to send out various pieces of mail love this week

I need to bake some this week

Topics to remind myself to write about....Flexibility, Migraines, Conditioning and Abuse

Nothing will be linked together tonight...not they usually are with me LOL :)

~ I feel like I should do a blog entry since Sunday was the last time I did one. This week has went fast...both Master and I commented on that while eating dinner tonight.

~ I am pmsing...at least I have to be....because I am way over reacting this week. And I feel like I can't do anything right and that often happens when I am pmsing.

~ I think I have had nightmares of Don this week. I have nightmares of him before but not in a long time now they are almost just dream like....bad but not. But this week they were nightmares.

~ I mentioned months ago that I might have do a rant about friends. One of my rants is that I will write emails - several - to real life friends and not hear back from them. It bothers me a lot. Especially the emails that ask them questions and I never hear back from them. I have a couple friends that I wrote several weeks before the holidays asking for addresses, then wrote again after the holidays, but still never got their addresses. Some of the emails to these people require a one word answer or even one line answer and they can't stop one moment and do that for me? But yet I know they are online longer reading other mail, journals, elists and websites.

Just thought about when Master and I were first corresponding and talking online before meeting...that is one thing that I liked about Him (of many that grew over getting to know Him), He answered all my emails. Even when it was a long email that He did not have time to write out a lengthy email - He would just write that...that He was busy and we could talk about it later or that He would write later. And He always followed through on that. I know it is a small silly thing to probably care about.

It is energy to me. I am putting energy into that person...reaching out, caring, trying to be supportive and/or expressing thoughts and feelings to them. And that energy is not...respected (? not sure that is the word I want.)

I feel disappointed in some of my friends - not just in regards to this - but with several other things. I hate it when people let you down....you think more of them then that and they let you down....okay mixing this with others things that are bothering me about friends...so I am going to stop this....line of writing.

~ Computer Geek Stuff...

Okay for months and months Master told me I should try this browser and I didn't want too...and finally I did and I love it...Avant Browser

I love the tabs and the group features. When I open it, I have it set to open 3 pages always and I love that. I love that I can group things by favorite blogs, things that I check out once a week, and so on.

Music: Going between Evanescence's Fallen and Coldplay's A Rush of Blood to the Head
Mood: tired - insomnia really kicking my butt right now
Topics: lots of things

Buffy the Vampire Slayer....

You know with fall here and such I guess I am having the itch to watch a new Buffy and of course that is not happening. But FX is started the 7th season on Friday afternoon, which means I will have the PVR catching those on Monday morning. They play 4 episodes a day of Buffy on FX. The 2 in the afternoon they end up playing the next morning. And Master has the PVR set to record them in the morning. :) It will be interesting to see the 7th season again, as it was the last. I only missed one episode that season…I think.

On Halloween they are doing a Buffy Marathon. It looked like they are going to play Hush. I hope they do, as Master has wanted to see that one. There is no talking in that one. It is kind of creepy that one I think is one of those that gave me nightmares after I saw it the first time. Now after seeing it several times I just think it is a f*cking great episode. They just had such a great writing team on Buffy.

++++++++++

I am PMSing. I am going through most of the normal things for me - wanting to eat everything in sight, insomnia, overly emotional, and also my body is also reacting. Right before my period my body gets very turned on and excited. My clit gets really sensitive. My cunt hot. Everything throbs. But yet mentally I am not that turned on right now and I wonder why it works that way...Why does the body act like it is turned on but mentally I am not really there?

It is something I struggle with because it seems the older I get the more I need my mind to be there as well as my body for me to get pleasure out of it. I can certainly give pleasure without my mind being there, but when my mind is there then a person can tell because I am more umm enthusiastic lol It is hard for me to "turn it on" these days. It has to be coaxed and worked on. And it does not make me very happy.

Sex has always been important to me. It is one of those things that release endorphins that my body needs to be more well balanced emotionally and even mentally. I am much more relaxed when I am having sex often. Same goes with S&M.

I guess I hate that I think sex or S&M could be a need but I think they are because they do release endorphins that are positive for my well being. I guess I compare it to the way people need sun. Could they survive without sun? Yes they probably could adapt. Just like I could adapt to not having sex or S&M. But if does having the sun affect them in a positive way…yes. And the same goes with sex and S&M for me.

Okay that was a ramble LOL

++++++++++

I am doing an article on Submission not being a gift. I really think it is like SSC. It is a BDSM slogan to make people looking in from the outside feel "better" about "us." And it makes newbie submissives to feel "valuable" and safe. It is a way to romanticize BDSM.

I also have been wondering if the gift of submission is for those that want to be submissive. And that those being a slave don't see it as a gift because slavery really is not a choice? Still kind of throwing that one around in my brain.


I just posted these questions to a few lists…feel free to answer them in the comment section or email me if you have not seen them on a list…I am really interested in hearing what people think.

Do you believe submission is a gift? Do you feel you are a Dominant, Master, Top, submissive, bottom, slave or striving to be one of those choices? Something else? Do you think slavery is a choice?

It is kind of interesting that while researching this topic there were articles that I found to be very logical in their points and ever agreed, but it still did not sit well with me. Definition of a word used in different contexts to me.

Well of course I have more thoughts on this but....I will save it for the article.

++++++++++

Just a little life update…

I have been having many nights of insomnia. It could be the time of the year, PMS, just stresses going on…or a combination of them. I hate it though. I had been doing much better (for me) with my sleeping patterns. But they are kind of out of whack right now.

Master is doing REALLY well. I am really still amazed how much He has been able to do. He is still sore and I know He is frustrated thinking it is taking longer then He wants it too. But really to me He is healing very fast. He goes back to work on Monday. It will be strange not have Him here during the day - when I have had Him here for 2 weeks.

Because of my insomnia and also our normal routine not in place since Master's surgery…the house has gotten away from me. So my big tasks this week will be getting down and dirty with the housecleaning! LOL

I am having some struggles with acceptance and letting go of expectations. That is all I am going to say on it now because I have not even really dealt with it yet. But I have had it coming up in my face in other areas….like a mirror trying to show me what I am doing. I just have been in denial…I do that so well though :)

Okay I better sign off and go check on Master.

I have not written in a few days....

Master has been super swamped with work and so just not much going on here. I mean there is, but I guess I just do not have the brain power to write. Master worked at home this morning and was home yesterday so that threw my schedule off this week (not that I am complaining - I always enjoy having Master home), so tomorrow I am going to have to kick ass and catch up before the long weekend.

We have lots to do this long weekend....start packing for our trip, go buy furniture, pull weeds, and other odds-n-ends. We planned the route of our trip last night. We are going to be going stopping in Manhattan, Kansas - Kansas City, Kansas - Terre Haute, IN on the way to Bill and Lisa's in Ohio. :) And then on the way back we are stopping in St. Louis, MO and Manhattan, KS again before heading over to Denver...and probably spending the night in Denver before heading over to Grand Junction. We have to stop in Denver for sure to pick up C1 and C2 (the kitties).

Master and I just finished a He said - she said article for SMART's newsletter. I will publish a link to my website shortly after it is published in SMART's newsletter.

I keep typing and erasing tonight...I hate when I do that....

I am feeling kind of blah...:(

PMS just started though so probably the reason...:(

There is a Buffy Marathon that starts tomorrow at noon (mountain time) on FX so as I kick ass cleaning and doing laundry I will Buffy keeping me company. So that is a good thing lol :) They actually had one of my favorite episodes...The Wish...on a week or so ago...Cordelia wishes that Buffy had never moved to Sunnydale creating an alternate reality created by demon Anyanka. Xander and Willow end up being Vamps and Willow is dressed up in leather! yummy! :) Cordy ends up being killed by Xander and Willow. Angel is in a cell - captured by the Master. Willow asks to play with the puppy and how she says it...every time just makes me wet! LOL She then goes and tortures Angel. Buffy does come to Sunnydale and she looks a hard-ass - no girly girly - more tomboyish I guess. She goes to stop the Master and the height of the fight just before Giles gets them back to present is - showing Buffy being killed by the Master. How they filmed it, the music, just the images from the section....made it for a really good climax. I really enjoy that episode. The season that episode appears actually is one of my favorite seasons - that and two. I really liked Faith so I liked having her in season 3. I really didn't like the seaons with Dawn as much as the other seasons. I liked them all but of course had favorites :)

With Spike joining Angel...I might have to start watching Angel again.

Well, I am officially pmsing...I cried more today then I have in the last month lol

Master just made a comment last week that I was not crying as much....I cry really easy and lately I have not cried much..unless I was crying from pain He was inflicting on me - those tears He always welcomes.

The day had a rough start. And I think I am still processing some of it. But over all weekends with Master I always love. I like having ALL day with Him. And we had a good day of use and abuse. I feel like a well used slut.

Among the many highlights of my day with Master...He came on my face today, then used my hair to wipe up access - then after that He spit in on my face. Then of course we had our ritual shower where I drank some of His piss.

Another highlight of today....that is at times a controversial subject...in some circles.

I have a bruise on my face plus a split lip. The bruise is much littler then the one I had with M. But this one is actually more noticeable. My split lip though is only noticeable at this point when my mouth is open. The things we do...always amaze me how well I take them when coming from Master. I do admit though when we were first together every time He raised His hand near my face I flinched. Now I really don't seem to do that anymore. Usually though we are playing and so I think I expect it. But even then I used to flinch. I don't now though. He slaps me lots so --- it something that I can pretty much guess will happen when we play. He enjoys slapping me and I enjoy it too. It does seem to put me in a very docile and even more demure headspace.

I like looking at all the marks on my body...I have them on my breasts and arms and now my face.

I got a little worried for a moment as Master and I are going to a wedding tomorrow morning. A co-worker's wedding, so several of His co-workers will be there and see me. Master told me not to worry about it. So, I am not going too.

Tonight as dinner time was coming about - I was tooooooo fuzzy to make dinner so Master took me out for dinner to a place we went in February - where He and I discussed me moving to be with Him full-time. It is so odd that He mentioned that tonight in the restaurant because I had just been thinking of that day early in the morning.

I am very glad Master asked me to come here...I am home. I love Master so much....I always amazed the feelings that go through me each moment of the day with Him.

update on health, weddings, appetite, masturbation

I hope to be posting a lot in the next couple of days. I have like 3 handwritten journal entries I want to post.

I am just starting to feel a little better. I am still coughing, but not as much. Asthma attacks down from 3 to 4 a day to 1 a day. Only ache about 2 hours a day and feel absolutely miserable about the same amount of time where I am so stuffy and can't breathe and just don't want to move. So doing much better :) I hope to be able to go the PC meeting on Sunday. *crossing fingers* And back to a more normal schedule next week. Or at least a few days at least so that I don't over do and get sick again which can happen easily with pneumonia.

I miss talking to all my friends real life and online. I have been thinking about Moni lots as she has her wedding coming up and she must be going crazy. I remember when I was getting married those final weeks were crazy. I had so many asthma attacks because I was so stressed then. The 2 days before my wedding I had to go get blood taken - they wanted to switch meds and wanted blood drawn. Anyway, one nurse tried and could not find a vein after sticking me 3 times. After the 3rd time the girl was like "Oh no it is your wedding is in 2 days - is your dress long sleeved?!" Nice of her to think of that then. It was long sleeved though and when she stuck me the first time I thought that...that I was lucky it was long sleeved as I bruise so easy when having blood taken. When the nurse realized that it was my wedding in 2 days and had stuck me 3 times - she decided she did not want to stick me a 4th time and so she sent me to the hospital lab next door because they were more experienced with drawing blood.

I can tell I am feeling better this last week because 1) my appetite for food is coming back. And 2) my sexual appetite is back too.

While I have been sick I have not hardly ate because nothing tasted good. And because it just was too much work to eat - because I was so weak. I have made sure I ate because I had to with some of the meds I am taking. But I have eaten little things like bagels, turkey sandwiches, Swiss cheese and crackers, soup, pasta, and rice. But I had been craving chocolate this week, which is maybe just pms. Something while I have been sick....I have been spotting some each day. Something I have not been thrilled about but something I could not worry about because the pneumonia was more of a problem for me at that time.

The second thing that has come back to me is my sexual appetite. I have been very turned on this last week and want sex and even had to break down and masturbate a few times. lol I have decided my oldest vibrator is my favorite. It is just a hard plastic silver vibrator and it is the most powerful lol

I have noticed something that I do when I masturbate lately...for the last 2 months I guess.....I don't think about anything. I just feel the vibrator on my clit and don't think about any fantasy. And that has been very unusual for me. In my past the only reason I would masturbate is because I was thinking about some fantasy that got me so hot that I could not stand it and had to have an orgasm. But lately I have just wanted to feel the sensations and orgasm and not thought about anything. It has been nice. It is just me and it is nice. My orgasms have been very intense....they are almost more mental then physical. They are definitely physical but there is this mental thing that goes on that I can't even explain. Okay, like I have had a mental orgasm a few times before I had the physical one. At first I was mad and then I was like it was good it felt good and I feel satisfied so why am does it matter.

I have been craving to be f**ked....hard. And thought about talking to Nick to see how he feel about me calling one of the many male friends I have that would f**k me if I want.

The other day when I wrote Nick the email about Affirmative Action he wrote me back...his first line said that he knew my jaw must be hanging open because he actually sent an email answer back. When it is things that he can ramble about he does not write out because it is easier then having to type out all those thoughts. A lot of what he had to say in the email made sense to me and I agreed.

Well, I am off to bed.....

Good night...

peace,
danae

Go Get a Drink

Music: Enrique ~ Escape

Wednesday.....

Lets see.....period still playing havoc with my emotions. I stood in the shower this morning thinking of Todd. And just started crying so hard. I could not control the sobs. It was not a good way to start the day let me tell you.

I talked to Nick online today for a little bit. It was not a great conversation. I mean he was good but the topic was one I do not like to talk about at all. I am suppose to call him tomorrow night to discuss it and the email that I sent him a while back.

Kam was laid off on December and because of that money is becoming a little tight. I dipped in to my savings for my Arizona trip to help out with some bills and we are unsure when that money will be back in the savings.....so now I might be having to put off my trip to Arizona. Not something I am happy about AT ALL. If I personally have a good week next week working it might only be a week of delaying which would be fine with me as it would be Nick's Birthday. So that would be cool to be there for that. :)

Tonight a good friend of mine who is Muslim signed online. She had just been the mosque so was in her dress and head covering. She looked SOOO BEAUTIFUL! She showed us, Kam and I, on her web cam.

It was cool her being on the cam and I said to Kam wow...I want a web cam that is so cool to see her right now! He said no in a very serious voice. I said what? I was puzzled. He was like no because I don't want you to be having sex with men on the web cam. UGGGHHHHHHH I said you see how I treat the stupid wannabe men online. I said you really think *I* am going to do that. He said yes. It annoyed me.

I talked to Ray tonight too for the first time in over a week I believe. It was nice to talk to him. I missed him!

I have been writing long emails to Kevin babbling on and on just like I do in my journals lol He said I need to start putting a meaningful subject line lol Pretty much I do not put any subject or put long rambling email. Nick was reading off all the emails he had saved in his inbox from me and lots of them had the same titles - good night email, babbling on and on, long rambling email....so I am not creative with subject lines. LOL

It made me feel good that Nick had save all of them. I had all that I had sent him and he had sent me saved on my last computer. :( I save all my emails from Kevin also. I am a packrat....thinking of all the emails and things I saved....all of Dale's, Kam's, Jackie's, Todd's....out of all those only person's left is Todd's because several we were emailing back and forth on a yahoo account so I have all those still and some I had emailed to that account just to have them all in one place. *sigh*

I am marking easy lately. I was brushing my long hair and it had some knots in it so I was really pulling over them. I had the hair lying on one breast as I brushed over it and over it to get the knots out. The next day I had lots of dotted little bruises. I was in the laundry room today and kind of had the laundry basket propped between my arm and on the inside of my thigh but it started to slide down my thigh so I let it drop. Well, it looks like I have a bruise starting form that.

Intimacy is the thing on my mind lately. I am scared of it and not sure how to get past it. Intimacy is not sex to me but it can be linked to sex. I remember the first time I was with Todd. It was very intimate. He did that purposely though as he knew I had issues with intimacy. I remember the hard crashes the day after seeing him and spending the night with him. I am sure it is because of the intimacy. It was new to me and it was these intimate moments and then he was gone. And I felt very lost and alone.

I am worried how that will affect Nick and me - my intimacy issues.

He knows they are there and we have talked about them some....even talked about them today - as linked with another issue I have...my weight.

Stopped writing to go look at site that wow....made my stomach turn.

Going to post this and go get a drink lol....

peace,
danae

Shoes for $3

Music: Jewel

Well, the last entry was weird. Kevin said he did not even understand it. Which made me have mixed feelings. I was just feeling lost, alone, out of control. I wanted to feel a place in the world.

Saturday -

Not sure what I did in the morning but afternoon I went shopping. I bought 3 pairs of shoes all $7 and less lol one pair even for $3. Not sure if I will be able to wear them long but what I was thinking I would wear them for - that is not a problem. :) I bought a skirt for $5 too but do not like how it looks on now that I got home. I bought things like altoids, Kleenex, condoms, gum, clear nail polish and a few other odds-n-ends and those things added to be more then I spent on the shoes and skirt. LOL

I came home from shopping and then got ready to go to a party. I, of course, got my period right before we were to leave so I was not a happy camper. I wore a black skirt and red shirt that shows off my cleavage. And a pair of my new shoes that were flat and comfy lol I bought a pair of mary janes yesterday too…almost wore those but did not match the outfit….goes more with my plaid short skirt. Maybe wear that to the next party.

The party was okay. Nothing great nothing terrible….very much as I expected. I got drunk. I had a nice time talking and getting to know some of the people more.

I always dread going to these things but end up having an okay time. But it is sad that I really need a drink to make me relax at these parties - because they are work industry people and so I feel like I am businesswoman mode. And I just need to relax, flirt and laugh and have fun! Which the drinks allow me to do.

Sunday -

Slept in since we got home about 3:30am. Then Kam went to pick us up some lunch. He is down about something - probably just feeling my feelings. He often does. And so he has been down and it is hard on me as I feel I can’t show my feelings then. And that is stressful to not be able to relax in my own home.

I was working on some work things and then Kevin messaged. We chatted a little bit. I am hoping Nick calls like he said he would. So kind of waiting for that. Tonight is the Janet Jackson concert on HBO. I like her a lot and love that cd so I am looking forward to jamming in front of the TV watching her. Yummmmmy!!!

I heard from Honey the other day that was good! I was happy to hear from her. It seems so weird that it is almost a year ago I was there in Germany with her.

Getting a little frustrated with Di. I will always love her and she will always be my best friend. But it gets hard to reach out and try to keep maintaining things and have the door slammed in my face every time. And that is what I feel is going on.

Admitting something I don’t want to be…..

Todd is still a part of me. I am not over him. I knew he was a part of me but he is more a part of me then I was admitting to myself. :( He goes in ups and downs with me…where I think about him lots and then not at all of days or even a week or more. I wish I would not have fallen in love with him…..I don’t mean that really. I just wish he had not hurt me so much.

peace,
danae

you need a purpose always to occupy yourself

I was writing about other things tonight so thought I would try to finish up some of these thoughts and post them....and try to forget about the other post I have put up today lol

Work has been pretty good this week. Tomorrow night I am going to a party I have to dress up and decided to go with a black skirt and a black sheer top that is a zebra print. The sleeves are sheer and then the front has a black camisole under it. it has ruffles down the front and then the sleeves are 3/4 length with little ruffles. I have my period so my normal dress code for underneath the clothing has to be changed. I usually would go pantiless and wear a garterbelt and stockings and bra. But now it will be matching bra and panties...and thigh highs probably. I hate pantyhose but with my period I feel even fatter then usual so might opt for pantyhose for the control top. :)

Weight has been a big issue rolling around in my head. Mostly because of my impending visit with Nick. I am worried he will think I am "too" fat. He and I have discussed this. And he has seen PLENTY of pictures of me so he know what I look like. So not sure why I keep worrying about it so much.

Tonight I was one for a little bit and signed on to yahoo thinking Sir Nick would be there...but he was not :( But Ray was...we had an interesting convo....

I was telling him about something that I have told no one. He said some insightful things......about it and me. He said, "now that you're going to see him you need to push the envelope as much as you can" And I wonder if that is a fair assessment....on that. The other things he said were I would say accurate.....unfortunately. Ray said, "You need to be owned to quiet your head."....he went on to say, "you need a purpose always to occupy yourself with a constant state of being owned." And the last thing I wanted to post that he said, "your submission comes out strongest to men that aren't available... like you can only feel it strong when you know that it can never be... like this is coming from that part of you that doesn't want to be a slave, or is afraid of it... holding back from who you think you are."

interesting comments....

I right now feel very tired and like my mind is spinning out of control and that I just need to hang on until I get to Nick's but on the other hand last week I was feeling very upset because I felt he was not giving me the things I deserved and it was a different feeling then this week. It was a feeling of...uggghhh can't find the word....but this week I feel like I am lost, alone, sad...it might just be totally because I have my period who knows.

Mistress DM and I chatted a little tonight after I posted my last blogger entry on Kam. She had some interesting comments that I hope to address tomorrow. Because I should be in bed right now.

I know why I am not but I will not admit it out loud....

Just was sitting here for a moment staring at the screen.....

I miss Nick....

peace,
danae

God-Like

Music: Jennifer Lopez

I am censoring myself about a few things....

My feelings for Nick.... I am scared and I get more scared each day that goes past that we do not firm up our plans to meet. I get to feeling so at odds with things. We had these wonderful conversations hours on end and now I talk to him about once a week. It gets hard. And not sure how to say that other than it gets hard. Everyday I have people message me and ask how things are with Nick....and everyday I say “fine...just hard being away from him.” And everyday people ask me when I am going to see him and everyday I say the same thing. “He is busy with work and so we have not set that up yet.” I now have of course people telling me he is not real. And I know without a doubt he is real. That is something I can say for sure.

He is so real to me. That is something that feels so good and right. He helps me even right now - though we have limited contact he helps me get through life to have a goal to get to basically. But it gets harder to do this when I have limited contact and we do not know each other real life. He owns me already but of course there are parts he cannot without contact. He says something and I do it.

He shows me he cares in things he says....guy things. *smile* Like yesterday, when I was telling him something about Todd. He expressed his dislike in Todd because Todd hurt me. He has done that too when I told him about Don. Well, Don I think Nick would like to hurt...very badly. The tone in his voice is very much…..I care about you and do not like what these people have done to you. A couple weeks ago I had wrote him a letter expressing fear of him not wanting me basically and he stopped that…... he had me put on the brakes and turn around back towards him. His comments on things...about our life.....references to "when you are here...." - talking about him as Master and other little things. So I know he wants me there.

If we were spending more time talking and such like we did before, I wonder if I would be so insecure. If we had been talking like we did at first...I would have wanted to be there sooner I believe.

Other things censoring myself on....

A little bit on Todd. It is funny. Something happened recently and it showed me that my feelings for him are almost gone. I mean I care as I always do about people I love. But that need and to be his and a part of his life is gone...the strings he was able to pull in me have been cut.....he could never get me back...play with my mind and take me away from Nick. Which I was thrilled about lol Because as much as Di and I have talked about “what if” he came back...what would I do, I always said I would be friends but nothing ever more but in the back of my mind I wondered if I would be able to resist him. Now I know I could. :)

I took him off all my buddy lists a long time ago when Nick suggested it….but I did not on one yahoo because I was not on that yahoo name at that time much and then one on aol (because I forgot he was on that list). Anyway I was signing on the one on aol the other night and noticed the name he "supposedly" created for me was signed online. It was funny seeing it on the screen...if felt right in that moment like a lie. Kam would always say “if he created that name for you why is he signed on it when you are not online.” I always wondered that but never asked because the other questions I had with Todd were far bigger lol

Censoring about Ray....

He is a good man and I have talked to him about lots of things but I am still guarded and that drives him insane. I am going to still censor about him. Because I just do not know what to write. He will love that....because I told him that last night on another topic we were having and I could not find the words for what he wanted me to talk about.

I am drained. I am working LOTS. I went to bed at 3am last night. I woke up at 8am. I do not get enough sleep. So that is draining me, but what is draining me even more is the lack of contact with Nick. And Ray is feeling some of those feelings associated with that. I feel lost a lot of the time. I mean I am going forward with my life. I do the things I want and need to daily but that part of me that is Nick's (which is a pretty big part) feels like I am doing this alone right now. Lucky Ray gets to put up with me being like this LOL

It has been nice to kind of use him as a sounding board...I do the "what if you were my Master"....type topics...now do not take that the wrong way yet lol Last night I had a conversation with someone that did not approve of my profession. And the conversation upset me a lot and I can hear everyone a long with what Kam and Ray both said...ignore him you can't change his mind. Anyway, the conversation upset me and so I said if you were my Master would you want to know about it. He said yes anything that hurt you I would want to know about. He said you are wondering if you should send it to Nick. I said yes. :) I am glad he lets me do that with him.

Wonderful PMS....Last nights conversation with Ray ended me up in tears. He does not like that I am being so guarded with him. And he ultimately knows why...he and I can walk a dangerous line. He was the FIRST to pull out things in me that I had kept locked away. And maybe because of that he wants to crack the code of danae and know *all* of me. There is a part that is in me that no one sees. Not even Mistress DM. There is a part I do not let open to anyone. I can't just let go completely. And I want that more then anything but I will not let it go until I am sure. I am sure I am safe. I was starting to open it up and let it out with Todd and I got burned badly. So, not going to do it again.

The guy that did not approve of my profession of course then had to say that Nick did not really care for me because if he did I would not be doing what I was...uggghh Society's view is so different then how it really is...in this industry. I can't believe how much my self esteem and confidence has went up. I am soooo much more independent now. And I feel it makes me a better submissive as now I am able to give from strength instead of weakness. My job and just being with Kam has helped me grow as a person so that I give from strength.

That just brought to mind part of a conversation with Nick yesterday. I can't even remember what it was about but remember the feelings I had during it. He said something and the tone was basically one of those do you hear what I am saying. I said yes Sir. It came out so much....not sure the word....a part of me. Not fight no urge to fight. We had a playful conversation. I can joke with him and such but he lets me know where the line is at with him....he shows me my place.

I get these intense feeling about him and thoughts of him and I as Master/slave. They well up inside me and feel as though they are going to just burst out. I feel at times I can't contain them. I have written before that I tend to put my Owner in a god-like category. They are up on this pedestal. I feel that with Nick and I feel that with other people too such as Mistress DM. They are above me. And not like I am less then but yes it is....thinking of how I put it once. We are not equal....but that does not devalue me. I am important...they are just above me. I get that feeling with Nick often. He says I am good for his ego lol

Uggghhh it is 10am so my phone is starting to ring off the hook. So I need to go and take care of my business. I want to write more on those feelings above. So maybe later today or when I get back from Kansas.

peace,
danae

Slow Down

This afternoon things got better.....

I did a cleansing of my necklace and then did my sphere exercise and things have felt very light tonight. I do not feel so weighed down. And feeling overwhelmed with emotions.

I talked with Sir Nick today :) That always helps my mood :)

I then went and had lunch with Moni today. It had been WAY too long since I did that. Since I got back from Germany so it is time to start getting things back to normal. As close as I can get them. I remember the last time I had lunch with her. Things were just starting to go bad with Todd and myself. I remember Moni telling me I looked good but I remember looking like crap. I had dark circles under my eyes from not sleeping. He would keep me up waiting for him all the time. And because I had limited time with him when I was with him I did not want to sleep I just wanted to talk and be with him and have QUALITY time with him. I remember talking to him right before lunch with her and after also.

Work has been slow but I am not killing myself doing things about it this week. And probably won't - I started what I did for fun not for money. And if it stops being fun then I need to slow down.

Told Sir Nick today I was pmsing. He said thanks for sharing. I was like trust me you want to know lol I got it tonight and of course it is being its usual first day and I am sick. So much fun being a woman.......actually it is most of the time. That is something I have never wanted is to be a man. NEVER. I love being a woman. I love being sexual, sensual, sensitive woman.

This weekend looks like it is going to be a busy one for me. Lots of things going on with friends and work. I hope it is a good weekend....

going to bed....early I know....don't faint.....

peace,
danae

Run Off

Two quotes I saw today....I have read the second before.

If you are lucky enough to find a way of life you love, you have to find the courage to live it." ~ John Irving ~

"And he said, 'Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that it's heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.'." ~ Kahlil Gibran ~
'The Prophet'

There is a Dominant that I was talking to about a year ago...that recently started talking to me again. His name is Sir David. Today we are talking about some D/s things. I question. I question LOTS! I know I do this because of trust and security issues that I had in my previous relationships.

Basically we had a conversation that he feels all questions should be answered. And so I said if I asked why after you told me to go get you a cup off coffee...you would answer my question. And he said yes. He said: "how else do you learn to be the best you can be." I have known all to many Dominants that do not answer questions. And when I have asked why I have to do something I do not get an answer - I get told just to obey and not question. Now in reality I don't think I should have all my questions answered because I, at times, feel it is a control thing with me. But it also is a security thing with me. I need most questions answered so I can learn to trust and feel secure in the relationship. Sir David said, "Doing as told - serving/pleasing is great. obeying is great," but that he wanted to help me grow and answering questions will help me grow. He felt and I agree that some Dominants to do not answer questions because it requires thought and they cannot think past their orders or their "dicks." And he felt others do not answer questions because they realize you will learn and grow and they feel threatened by that.

I have seen that in my life more then once. You would think I would learn....I am learning faster though so I guess that is good. I mean that same thing does not take me as long to notice as it did.

There is a Dominant I recently had been talking to (of the same time period that Sir David when I first started talking to him) and he was not answering my questions. None of them. So I wrote him to tell him that what is best for me is someone that I can trust and without having some of my questions answers trust will not be built. It was hard to write him as he pushed a lot of my buttons. Todd did not answer lots of my questions. And so I guess I learned my lesson. And so I am not doing that again.

Todd...I should be writing about him right now. But I am not going to. I wish him happiness in his life....to love and be loved without boundaries.

Mistress DM said something to me tonight that I thought was interesting....well she has said more then one thing but this is something that is standing out still in my mind...

Mistress DM: will you at least promise not to run off with a dominant who won't let you say good-bye to your friends? I understand the point of "proving" obedience, but it always seemed to me that a decent human being is going to consider the friends, if not the submissive's piece of mind

I thought that was interesting because I have heard that a lot lately. People telling me to not just leave without saying good-bye. I think it is interesting as I would not want a Dominant who would make me give up my friends. I think they would see that who I am is partly because of my friends.

I told Mistress DM that...and she came back with some more very thoughtful words. :)

Mistress DM: if a lot of people are telling you something, it's something you are feeling yourself. because the world is a mirror of yourself---you create in it a reflection of your inner self so, *you* believe you'll run off with someone and *you* are worried about what that would mean

I want to run off....

Today I even told someone that I would like to run off and just escape. I do not want to deal with the feeling that I am feeling.

I have noticed when I am stressed. I am in more pain. Changing topics as I am not going to talk about the feelings I am feeling right now. I started having a period again today also. And I think it is from stress. Also I noticed when I am stressed my business slows down it is like the universe is trying to slow me down to deal with this stuff. There has been times of stress - work has been busy but it was when I was needing the work to keep me going and focus on something else. So I guess I am suppose to be feeling these things feelings I am right now.

Scene in Meet Joe Black....

Joe Black says something about it being hard to let go...and Anthony Hopkin's character, Bill, comes back with "That's life."

Why am i thinking about that now? *shakes head*

Hard to let go...I must be living my life.....

Growth

Let's see - been thinking lots. My mind feels very clear. Which seems weird as I just started my period today and have been pmsing and not doing good during it all. I have been really sick. So it surprises me my mind feels so clear.

Once a year for sure I know I go through this.....a really bad period where I have way to much progesterone or estrogen - I never remember which one. But I break out....my skin is hyper sensitive. I throw up daily. I get a migraine almost daily. And I am going to have killer cramps. Those should hit tomorrow. yeah yeah joy joy lol

Mistress DM was talking to me the other morning about that she felt I was doing the same thing I always have and not changing my patterns. As soon as she said that I was trying to figure out what she meant. As I never remember discussing changing my patterns with her. I feel there are things I am adding to the foundation I have to create a stronger danae but I am not doing any remodeling so to speak lol Anyway, I do not think I need to change really just add to what I have. I think their are patterns of behavior I need to work through but most of those most people do not even know are there.

I would venture a guess that there are a few people out there that feel I have been looking for HIM..that one Dominant for a long time. After I came back from Tennessee in June of 2000. I talked to a Dominant online that I really never thought as real...which is so strange as I am talking to him now again. And he is real I know he is. He is extreme and reminds me of Don at times. I can hear the moans on that one. lol And the other Dominant I talked with was the one that would have taken me away and never to be heard from again. I stopped talking with them about a month after starting conversations with them. And then I stopped looking. I never signed on that name. I did not check the email for 3 months. And when I did then I just deleted most of it. I stopped looking for HIM. I started working on me. It was a slow start and then just wow one morning I woke and knew what i needed to do. And then a few weeks past and I was happy. It was literally that fast. I was not looking for HIM. Not even thinking of him or D/s really. I just was living. I then started talking to Sir more and that night we played started and some feeling that had been there but kind of put on the back burner started to feel hot again lol

So I played with Sir. Submission started growing in me - the need for it and before I left for Germany I knew I wanted a Master. And I wanted HIM the one. While in Germany I got Todd's email. And it was right about the time I was journaling about what I wanted and most of it was dealing with love and to be accepted. And he writes. And he seems to be different then the rest. Seems to want to know the real danae - all of her not just the part that wants extreme play.

Now after being with Todd and learning even more what I seek...

I want to find HIM. And what is wrong with that?

I feel I guess that I have so many people telling me I need to wait that I still have feelings for Todd well hell I still have feelings for Jim does that mean I put my life on hold forever? I have feelings and love for Morgan still and she has been gone for 14 years.

ugggghhhh *sigh*

I want a Master. I feel I know what I am looking for in that Master. Those that I am talking to seem to have some of those qualities and I am still talking to them to find out if the rest are there.

I need to find what makes me happy. And my next step is being owned by a Master.

peace,
danae

PMS

PMS is a wonderful thing! NOT lol

I have been sick because I am pmsing. It is almost making me down. And I am not liking that one bit. I am sure Di was ready to kill me tonight. I was cut and pasting her things from emails.....and making us both crazy I am sure.

I just went to get a diet coke and as I got up I thought of a quote....."Life shrink's or expands in proportion to ones courage." ~ Anias Nin

Not really sure why that popped into my head.

Let's see what is going on in my life.

Wednesday....

Had business stuff to take care of.....

Kam and I went to dinner with a friend.

Then I took Kam home. We had a disagreement on the way home and were fighting in the parking lot of our apartments. I love him. And he loves me more then anyone in his life. But I just cannot let go of the past resentments with him. I forgive others in my life but not him. And I am not sure why?

I then gathered up clothing and such...and Di did a photo shoot for me. lol We kept joking that we need a fan and music. I had like 6 clothing changes. I know she did a good job taking the pictures I just hope I can live with what I see in them. lol

I then ended things with Sir....we are still friends. We had been "dating" and play partners. I had to end it now as it was getting harder. I had some issues which I think he just finally understood what I meant when we talked about them again on Wednesday night. I still care for him. And we talked a long time and it was hard to do but we both know right now it is probably the best thing for me. He has always told me he just wants me to do what is best for me and what makes me happy. And right now it was for the best not to be involved with him as we were....we just would have ended up hurting each other. And that is no fun!

I bought 2 floggers from him too. One for Honey and one for a friend of Honey's that flogged me while in Germany :) I need to buy one for my toy bag now too :) I think I want a purple one!

Thursday...

I started getting sick. I could feel it coming.

Thought about Sir...also thought about if i should change his name in here. Something maybe to talk to him about at some point. I talked to one of the Dominants I am talking to on the phone...he is the one I do not know what to name yet. I am missing SM.

Friday....
I was sick on and off all day.

I talked to A on the phone. Not sure why really that I am talking with him except that he is safe. That sounds terrible huh? He is going to love that. He is intriguing also. He never brought up sex, bdsm or D/s really. I had and he asked a few questions but he was never graphic or not sure the word....and that always turns me on lol Because he used questions to stimulate my mind. I like intelligent men. All 3 of them that I am talking to right now are intelligent.

I just dumped a lot on Mistress DM and she is being unusually quiet lol

Talked with JJ tonight. I had not talked with her in a while. She is having her family over this weekend...which I know is stressful.

I am not sure what else to talk about.....

Pmsing and I am thinking of the past...actually thought of Morgan several times today/tonight. I closed my eyes and saw her smile and her eyes light up.....it was so real like she was right here.

peace,
danae