Friday, August 31, 2012


“When she’s abandoned her moral center and teachings when she’s cast aside her facade of propriety and lady-like demeanor…when I have so corrupted this fragile thing and brought out a writhing, mewling, bucking, wanton whore for my enjoyment and pleasure…..enticing from within this feral lioness…growling and scratching and biting…taking everything I dish out to her… that moment she is never more beautiful to me. ” ~ De Sade

Isn't that just lovely? 

I love those moments where it is just the pleasure/pain and that is all that matters so I would do anything he says because I don't want it to stop. Not very many dominants or lovers have ever gotten me the total abandonment of thought of anything other than just keep doing what they tell you.  But I have had a few people and there are shining moments in my head that I replay a lot. Master is of course one of those people. Don, my ex-husband, and MS are the others. 

I have had a lot of great sex that comes close to there, but there is always this little pieces of myself I hang on to with some people. I can't totally let go. Also most of people I have been with won't push me there. To get to that level of surrender - abandonment as he calls it - I need that push. I need the force. The force gets me there and turns me on.  Letting go like that - becoming a wanton whore gives me something I need.

I am thankful for those moments when I have been pushed there. As I said they shine for me and I love replaying them over and over again. 

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

30 Days of Kink - Day 10

Day 10: What are your hard limits?

In my past before Master, I had play partners and did some BDSM with clients when I was escort. When I had play partners, I had the some of the usual hard limits for people - kids, permanent harm such as dismembering, vomit,  murder (theft and other illegal activities), and blood letting.   

As an escort I had many hard limits. It just depended on the client. There was several that I did SM with and they always respected my boundaries so I moved some of the soft limits to things we could explore together.  Such as I didn't allow marking - bruising when I was escort because when a client bruised me it bothered other clients.  But with a couple of my clients, they really wanted to see what it felt like to bruise me, hit me hard enough to mark me, so I allowed it with just 2 clients.  Watersports were something else some of them wanted to do so with those 2 clients, I would do that with because they respected my boundaries and were honestly a lot of fun to be with so I liked exploring with them. 

With Master, his limits are mine.  He doesn't do vomit, kids, doesn't do scat, doesn't share me and doesn't do anything really that go against his morals. I am sure there are some other things I am not thinking about at the moment.

previous answered questions

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

What If I got Pregnant?

When I was married, we were "suppose" to have kids.  That is what it felt like. But really I felt I wouldn't be a good mother. I have too many issues to take care of a child's well being.  I didn't want to damage him/her.  My husband although he was fantastic with kids...the idea of being a father scared him. But he felt we were "suppose" to have kids too.  I was married to him for 7 years and we didn't get pregnant and didn't use birth control.  When my ex-husband and I were trying to get pregnant and not having much luck - I went to the doctor after several examinations and tests she felt that I would have difficulties conceiving.

Since my ex-husband, I have had unprotected sex with long-term partners and didn't get pregnant.  Which I admit is risky.  But it is highly unlikely that I will get pregnant. Yes of course there is a very slim chance but again highly unlikely.

There of course have been times in my life, I wished for kids. But over all - mostly I don't feel they fit into my life as I just wouldn't be a good mother with the issues I already deal with daily in my life.  I wouldn't ever want to subject a child to that.

Master doesn't want kids either. He likes his life as it is and kids would disrupt that.  He likes having freedoms that he wouldn't have with kids.  He made a choice to not get involved with women who have kids or want kids because he doesn't.  It works that we are both compatible in not wanting kids.

But....let me pose this...what if....I got pregnant or teacup got pregnant?  Teacup and I are over 40 so likelihood of it is low.  The answer...Master has said that we would discuss it. He isn't going to do a blanket - get an abortion even though he doesn't want kids. We have discussed the what-ifs and he and I have similar views of what would happen, but we also believe once something is a reality - feelings and thoughts about it can change.  So discussion about - getting to the heart of it for us would happen if it were to ever happen.  I know that this issue teacup and I would have very different views of outcome and that is okay because we are 2 very different people.  But again Master would in this situation order us - this would be a family discussion and decision.

Just to note I do believe Master has the right to tell me what to do in this situation.  If he wanted me to have an abortion, have the baby and raise or give up for adoption, he could tell me what to do and I would obey.  He just happens to believe this is an area where there needs to be a lot of discussion and input to find the solution that works long term for everyone.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

do you know what your sex toy is made out of?

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store
I love sex toys so I like to make sure that I take proper care of them.  So knowing how to clean them and what lubes to use is important to me.  I don't want to spend lots of money and then ruin something because I was jumping into play without knowing some handling will harm the material used on/in the toy. 

Such as did you know that you can boil, soak in bleach and water solution, wash with hot water and soap, or place the Njoy Pure Plug in the dishwasher? It is made of Stainless Steel and so allows for a wide range of cleaning options.  

Did you know that you can't use silicone lube on silicone toys? It will break the silicone down. Water lube is best for silicone toys. 

Did you know that know that you can't sanitize jelly toys such as a rabbit vibrator? Because of that reason you should only use it on yourself and not share unless you use a condom on it.  Jelly toys can only be cleaned by warm water or a toy cleaner made for jelly toys. 

I am allergic to latex and I also just like knowing what I am using in/on my body so knowing what materials the toys are made out of is important to me. One of many reasons I love shopping at is because their product pages give you so much information.  Not only does have reviews, customer ratings, color availability, and size/dimensions, but they show you what material it is made out, the texture and also have a little safety material meter too.

Screen Capture of Njoy Pure Plug

Not do they have a great amount of information on the product pages, but they also have this Guide to Materials right on their website so you can look up any material and find the safety meter, how to clean it and what lubes to use with it. I know I learned a lot by reading it and know I will play with my toys more safely and get a longer life out of them. 

Disclosure: EdenFantasys provided me with a gift card in exchange for this post. All opinions are my own, and were not influenced in any way.

Friday, August 17, 2012

30 Days of Kink - Day 9

Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.

I like Pretty When you Cry by VAST.  This is the first time I think I have ever watched the video though. 

I think this video is yummy....I have posted it is Hurricane by 30 Seconds to Mars

I like the lyrics to Corrupt by Depeche Mode too... here is the video (just still images) and lyrics below....

I could corrupt you in a heartbeat
You think you're so special
Think you're so sweet

What are you trying
Don't even tempt me
Soon you'll be crying
And wishing you dreamt me

You'd be calling out my name
When you need someone to blame

I could corrupt you
It would be easy
Watching you suffer
Girl, it would please me

But I wouldn't touch you
With my little finger
I know it would crush you
My memory would linger

You'd be crying out in pain
Begging me to play my games

I could corrupt you
It would be ugly
They could sedate you
But what good would drugs be

But I wouldn't touch you
Put my hands on your hips
It would be too much to
Place my lips on your lips

You'd be calling out my name
Begging me to play my games

previous answered questions

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Friendship, Advice and Whatnot

I started this post a long time ago, but never got around to finishing. A chat with a good friend of mine and her blog post about the subject made me get back to it.

A while back, I received an email that made me know I had to stop answering some of my emails.  It wasn't that I get too many of them or that it made me angry or anything. It just becomes that I am not really helping anyone - really. Because I give the same advice over and over and over again.  Over the years, I feel I have just gotten more blunt about it though. I  am not what I say mean (at least I hope I don't come across that way) - but I am sure at times it can come across as harsh.

Because for me...I am not sure why someone would write me - a complete stranger on how to deal with their relationship?  I don't know them. I don't know their Master so how can I give good advice. So often my advice is - talk to your Master, talk to someone who knows you - a good friend and if you are really wanting to be a slave suck it up and obey.

I am happy to share my knowledge and experiences through my blog, website and often through email to people. I am glad you can relate and you even desire similar things, but know you won't have the exact relationship I do because we are all different so it is hard for me to give you advice. We are all different - yes unique little snowflakes and that include dominants. How Master wants things done or how I need to communicate with him is very different then how previous dominant want things.  So I can't tell you how to do x, y or z because I don't know your Master or you.  Because again how I handle things and learn things is very different then how you might.

Even the relationship Master and teacup have is different from the relationship I have with Master. I mean we are both his property and slaves, but how he does things with her is different then  how he does them with me because we are different people.

The reason I throw in the friend part into my advice is because I think a friend who knows you will have much better advice than I - a complete stranger. I know that my friend who I referenced at the beginning of the post, will tell me to suck it up if she feels I am being too whiny, she will also let me whine and vent about things she knows are really non-issues when I sort through my feelings and venting helps me sort through those feelings, and she will never ever tell me to get out of my relationship even if I am feeling very frustrated, and struggling on a big life issue that seems like it is going against my very core beliefs. She knows that I am owned and she won't try to undermine Master's authority over me.

I am thankful for her and the few good friends I have that understand my relationship and accept it. I have even several friends that are in the vanilla side of things who accept my relationship and help me through things when I am struggling.

I know often when I get emails from people - some are hoping to befriends. I am up for interacting and creating friendships, but I will say I am lousy at it. Just horrible. I have a hard time keeping up with people because my time is Master's. So emailing the friends I have already and my family are infrequent now - add people to list of friends and well they are even more infrequent and that can bother some people reaching out.

I know that I am thankful for all the people that do write, but know I just can't possibly write everyone back.  Remember this is almost always my advice - talk to your dominant, talk to a good friend, and obey even when it is hard.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Orgasm Denial

Orgasm denial or just controlling orgasms is one of those things I don't feel works very well for the majority of women. Oddly I feel from things I have read, it seems to work better for males than females, but that might be a myth or not accurate.

Every dominant I have ever been with has probably tried some orgasm denial or controlling orgasms with me at some point, but I am one of those women where the end result isn't usually what the dominant is wanting.  It is more of a use it or lose it kind of thing for me. So denying orgasms for me, just turns off my sexuality.  Controlling when I masturbate or am given pleasure where I am told I can't have those things - again usually just turns me off sexually.

I can think of one time orgasm denial worked with me and that is with my ex-husband. He had sex with me and touched me, but wouldn't let me orgasm or touch myself. He really kept my sexual hunger right there on the edge because he was being sexual with me every day - often multiple times a day -  just not letting me orgasm. It was about 5 days and then he let me orgasm. He was working up to a special occasion by making me wait for it - I think it was the anniversary of our first date. It did create a hunger in me that when I did orgasm it was very intense. But again he kept me sexually on edge.

In my history, when I have had dominant do orgasm denial it is more along the lines of - being told I can't orgasm for a set amount of days/weeks. There isn't usually a lot of sexual interaction so that sexual need isn't there. It fades and just makes it very hard for me to orgasm then when that stretch is done. It doesn't create anticipation, build my sexual frustration or make me crave sex or his cock more - it makes it fade.

The same thing happens when I am told I can only orgasm when I ask or am told.  For was hard because I am sexually submissive and if my dominant tells me to masturbate one night and then doesn't the next - well in my mind he doesn't want me too and I want to please so I don't ask to masturbate unless really I feel like it is going to fade soon if I don't. But even then if it is last moment for me - it is harder for me and not as pleasurable. So...again...if I am not masturbating or having sexual interaction with someone then it will fade.

For me, being told I can't orgasm or having a set amount of time where I can't orgasm or have sexual pleasure, will make my sexual appetite shut down and then make it harder to achieve orgasm, to get wet or turned on.

Controlling a submissive's orgasms or sexual pleasure, it often seems like being told no is the idea of control. But being allowed is a form of control too. As a dominant you are allowed to say yes or no. I am allowed to orgasm during sex when I can.  I am allowed to masturbate whenever I want. Even if it isn't Master's hand, implements he wields, or his voice creating the orgasm, he is the one that allows me sexual pleasure and energy.  If Master didn't want me too, he could say no, but he said yes. He had the right to tell me yes or no.  I just couldn't decide on my own - he decided because he has control of me.

Ultimately Master has found that he feeds off my sexual energy. To keep me sexual - helps his sexual energy. So allowing me to have sexual pleasure - gives him the end results he desires. And I am very very thankful he  wants me to be sexual.

Thursday, August 09, 2012

30 Days of Kink - Day 8

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.

Well I am not going to post a photo, but I will link to some that I find erotic - that are over on my tumblr.  I can't just point to one either as too many choices! I find a wide range of photos erotic. I don't need every photo to include kinky things...I like the female body and so many shots I post aren't of bdsm but include elements that I enjoy. I can enjoy something without it turning me on too. It just is a nice feeling looking at them.  If I want to be turned on, I do need to look at BDSM photos.  It has to be bondage, breath play, photos that imply humiliation, force, captivity and pain turn me on.  So if you want to see the wide range of photos - go to my tumblr (if you click on the archive which is on the sidebar of the tumblr - it will give you thumbnail view of photos month by month.)  

So for here for this post.....just pulling out a few select ones.... no order probably not even many of my favorites just photos that turn me on...

Black and White Bondage photo - I just like the way the bondage look. I love rope bondage and every Friday on Tumblr I post just rope bondage photos. Recently I as introduced to a Bondage Photographer that I really am enjoying....

Piggie - She just looks so used with that pig snout on and cum in her hair.

Wax - His hand around her throat, whispering to her, tied up - no place to go while he hold her and drips wax on her - yums

Under water - I love this...well one it is an insex photo and they always turn me on.  Next she is tied up, under water, completely submerged with a tube for breathing, and a grate on top of her like a cage.  So many good things going on. Here are a couple others that are good under water photos - tied up struggling and held under and fucked and held down in bathtub struggling

Worship - I love the look on her face - I get that way sometimes about Master's cock too - where I am inhale and know how truly happy I am to able to be there and about to suck his cock.  Very happy place to be. Camille Crismson of The Art of Blowjob posts good blow job photos

Bodywriting - Master has wrote on me before and it turned me on a lot

Blackeye - I love the thought of having a black eye so looking at that lovely black eye makes me think of it being done to me. I love bruises and marks from Master, but having such an overt one really turns me on.  Another good black eye photo.

Choked - Breath play is one of my favorites so any photo that shows forms of it such as being chocked always get me going.

Over All - gag, bondage, insertable, rope around neck possibly strangling, suction on nipples - just pain and over all deliciousness

Encased - love the overall confinement of this - cut off.  Catsuit, belt straps to restrain, inflatable gag, hood, corset binding, posture collar - all of it makes it very hard to move. Would be very helpless and cut off from the outside world. It turns me on and scares the shit out of me at the same time.

previous answered questions

Saturday, August 04, 2012

Manipulation or Just Knowing Master

Recently Master was needing to take a trip out of town.  He told me he didn't think I would be coming because my sciatica is acting up so badly that he didn't want to cause me further pain - he hadn't made up his mind yet but was leaning toward me not coming.

Master has been under a tremendous amount of stress and when I travel with him - it helps his stress levels go down.  I am able to be there riding with him so his mind doesn't get stuck on work and other worries - and we can talk about all sorts of things and get him to relax a little.  I am there to set out clothes and make sure all his stuff is order when leaving for meetings. I am there for fun stuff such as sex too which also helps him relax. I have been going through depression due to chronic pain, so besides wanting to be there for him I didn't want to be alone. It just didn't sound all that good to me. So I really wanted to go with him.

I have been with Master for 9 1/2 years so I know what he wants and how he likes things.  I know how to best approach him when needing to ask for something, suggest something or propose different ideas then he has planned.  It can be a pair of shoes I want or that I feel I see a better way to handle something - all sorts of things I know how to approach him when sharing information.

On the way out of town with Master, yes I got to go, I said I know him and know how to approach him with things - so is that manipulation? Or is it just serving him in the way I know he likes best?  I know not to push certain buttons as he has taught me what those buttons are and how to come at certain subjects because of those buttons.  He has taught me his preferences in multitude of areas so I now know how to navigate now without even really thinking about it.

Example....Menus for dinner.  He really doesn't want me to come to him with a menu. He wants a list of things I can make and he can choose. When I make the grocery list, I say these are things I am thinking of making sometime this month, do you have something you are craving or want added or changed. Now he is fine that some of those things don't get made and others do - he likes choices so having a wide range of choices for the month is more important to him then having a locked in menu.  So I might say in the morning or tonight, we have chicken and hamburger available in the freezer, does one sound better to you then the other. Or I might say we have more chicken right now in the freezer, these are the things I can make with it.  I know him enough to know if I offer up a hamburger or chicken choice his first question is what do we have more of so if I know we have more of chicken I just cut straight to the chicken and then offer him a list of choices.  Is it manipulating him into chicken? Or is knowing what his first question will be to me so just cut to that answer?

For me is knowing him. If I wanted chicken, I just offered chicken when there was more hamburger then I feel I would be manipulating him into chicken because I wanted it.  But I can't do that - really it makes me feel all sorts of terrible to even think about it because damn right I have thought about it before. Because sometimes you know *I* want something and not offering him certain choices would be nice and just making what *I* want, but that isn't how this relationship works and it makes me feel guilty when I even think about things like that.

So when it came time for him to start deciding if I was going to go on the trip, I knew how to approach it.  I know Master enough to know he wants me with him so ultimately he would most likely move to that direction, but I still needed to not push, I needed to phrases things in a way that I know don't push buttons and I knew I needed to then sit back and let him make up his mind. I did that and I went with him.

It has taken a lot of years for me to navigate that - I have gotten caught in the trap of telling him what he should do - when actually he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to. Starting a sentence like that is pretty much a death sentence to I was asking for. Being straight and truthful with my feelings and why I want to go is the better approach.  Showing I am able to go through my actions is also a good approach.

As I said above I am going through a depression and when I can't move things fall behind. Well it got to a point where I had it. The house was driving me crazy so I was doing bursts of cleaning and then having to be in bed for the rest of the day. But those bursts of cleaning helped Master make up his mind because he saw I was able to move more then I had in the past weeks. He understood I was paying for it, but he still felt movement helped in the case to go.

I also told him as I said above - straight and truthful my feelings - "I want to go because my depression is eating me up and I don't want to be alone.  I also don't want you to be alone as you have been under a great deal of stress. Dealing with my pain at the end of riding in the car is worth it to me to put up with - to be with you. Plus I will have a day of rest between and that will help me better deal with it."

I didn't nag on it. I just said it and let it drop.  I did the things I needed to around the house and then let him make up his mind.  In the end, he decided I could go. Manipulation? Well he doesn't think so that is all that matters. I am just thankful that I have learned how to approach him so that he did consider it. I am glad to have that time with him.  We always have a nice time on road trips.

Wednesday, August 01, 2012

BDSM Tips for Beginners

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys storeI have read a lot recently where it is said that many women that read Fifty Shade of Grey end up writing ads on Craigslist saying they are submissive and not really understanding the consequences of saying that or who might be on the other end of that ad.   So, You Read ‘Fifty Shades’, and Now You Want to be a Sub… by Tessa Taboo on Eden Fantasys Sexis Magazine talks about what a submissve might be getting herself into without knowing much about BDSM.

I can totally understand being upset about these women not understanding what they are getting into, but I also turn back and think about when I got into it formally and what did I do to help ensure my safety.  I didn't just arbitrarily put an ad out on the internet without doing a lot of research to know what I getting myself into and what exactly I wanted.

We are adults and we have to use common sense. Will every woman use common sense? No, but those doing research and learning more about BDSM before jumping in will find tips for safety in abundance out on the internet.

So just thought I would add my 2 cents for beginner BDSMer's...

1. Know yourself.  Read, talk to people, research and decide what you want.  Do you want to know what a spanking feels like? Do you want to be tied up and nothing else?  Do you want someone who can be kinky in the bedroom and be on equal footing outside the bedroom? Do you want a long term partner or just someone to play with? Do you want to be a slave? Do you want switch? There are so many options and so many things that it can get overwhelming. Talk, write out your thoughts to get them out and evaluate them, discuss with others and keep trying to figure out what exactly you want. Eden Fantasys has not only BDSM/Fetish books such as Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage, but also has BDSM toys to help you start exploring.

Also remember it's not set in stone. Sometimes these lines and what you want move.  It is expected and natural ... don't think that you just have one shot at this and you're done. Have fun exploring all the new thoughts and feelings inside.

2. Find friends you can talk too.  You have decided you have these desires....can you tell your vanilla friends? If not, then start looking for friends in the lifestyle that you can be open with so you can discuss your desires. Being able to have friends as a sounding board for not only your desires but someone you are interested in is invaluable.   Friends are great at helping you gain perspective and kicking you in the butt when you are acting without thinking.

3. Get Offline and get out.   Find local lifestyle groups to help you explore those desires by talking and learning from others. Getting out and going to local groups helps in finding local friends and eventually potential partners. If you're invited to a play party or dungeon, then try to go with a friend.  It's okay to sit and watch a few times to see what it's about.  Ask the people throwing the party if you can just be a 'fly on the wall' because you're new and just trying to figure out what the lifestyle is about. It is really good to see things in action that you have been thinking about.  

4. Meet several times before playing.   Meeting up with a potential long term partner or play partner then have vanilla type dates first.  Meet for dinner or coffee.  Talk and talk and talk more about what you both are wanting and expecting from play or a relationship if that is what you are seeking. Don't do things that would impair your judgement.  If you are okay with having 2 drinks, but 3 impair your judgement make sure you only have 2 drinks.  When we meet someone that wants to play or we feel that connection with, it is so easy to just jump in with both feet and say lets do it ALL. But again use some common sense...and remember you really don't know this person yet even if there feels like a lasting connection.  Did you jump into bed with every vanilla guy you dated? If no, then why do it with the d-types (dominants) you are meeting for the first time. 

5. Set up Safecalls.  A safe call is when you set up a time to check in with a call to a friend. You will call with a code word or phrase to let him/her know the date/play date is going well.  You give that friend all the info you have on your date - name, phone and anything else...such as photo.  You tell them where you will be and how long you think you will be there.  You can call when you get there, when you leave, and  with option for one in the middle just to make sure.  If things are going longer then you thought they would, call and set up another call at certain time.  Even when just meeting for a date or coffee, set up a safe call because you don't want to suddenly let your desires take over and say yes to this guy who is saying, "lets go play."  I like even better setting up to meet the friend after. Because no matter if playing or just meeting it is always good to talk with a friend about it after. Also let the person  you are meeting know you are meeting someone after your play date.  If it is someone who was going to go further, they might think twice about it knowing your friend might push you into going to the police if you were battered beyond what you negotiated.  It might not stop someone like that, but it might.  

6. Trust your instincts and be honest with yourself.   Being honest with yourself helps you trust your instincts and vice versa.  If you are feeling off about someone, but they are turning you on you might ignore that instinct by lying to yourself. So be honest with yourself - does something feel off? Does this person really want the same things I do? Does it feel good sitting having coffee with this person as well as playing?

Now after all these tips, I will say sometimes tips like these won't make sense for the situation, but again it comes down to trusting your instinct and knowing even with safety tips doesn't  means you are totally safe. Anything can happen.  Just use your head and be honest with yourself.

Disclosure: EdenFantasys provided me with a gift card in exchange for this post. All opinions are my own, and were not influenced in any way.
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