Wednesday, July 31, 2002

Big Lock

I am all packed and ready to go. Aydeen and I are going to lunch and then to the airport. I am not feeling well and I am sure it is stress. I am having my period again and that has not happened in a while...where I had 2 in one month. But I am assuming it is stress right now. I am in a lot of pain and not liking it at all. I feel groggy too like I get when I have my period. I am not a happy camper!

I told Monseigneur E and Linda something very few people know about me. Mistress DM had asked me yesterday morning if I told him about this thing yet and I said no. And so it got me thinking about it and....when I got the nerve to tell him....he was not online but Linda I asked her to go get him so that I did not wait and lose my nerve. Strange thing was....not sure when and if I would have got around to telling anyone else about it. As it is something I have buried away and put a big lock on it. I pretend it is not there.

Both Monseigneur E and Linda seemed to handle what I told them very well. He even had me laughing and relaxed by the end of the conversation. He seemed to think it was not a big deal and I still have moments of being neurotic and thinking that....*it* will be the reason he wants to end this direction.

Linda and I had a talk last night as it seems she was feeling like I have been had kind of lost touch. I told her we need to just have her and I time. So, that we can maintain our friendship and keep going forward. We chatted for a while and it was good just to talk to her. :) I missed her.

I am on edge so much and have all sorts of things flying through my head. I go one day with things feeling completely right and then the next day I try to convince myself why I should not go to see Monseigneur E and Linda. It is very annoying lol Right now.....I feel so much inside. I feel like I need to cry and scream. I feel out of control right now and wish so much things were calm and over with. That I was to that next place that ALL the Runes I pick keep talking about.

I am not liking this feeling at all and hope it goes away before I am the air...

Tuesday, July 30, 2002

Back to art

I am thinking about art today.

I remember as a child drawing for hour and hours. I remember when we would go to a museum as a class when I was a kid....I loved it and could have lived there. We would go the Joslyn Art Museum in Omaha, Nebraska. And I would LOVE it. When I was in college, I would go there....just sit and draw or write. I would sit down in front of a painting and stare at it and then just draw. Usually not even the just inspired me and got the creative juices flowing. I would also write in my journal then. I am not sure I have those journals from college anymore. I know I have my journals from when I was married.

Back to art.

I miss it.

I miss drawing. I miss looking at it. I miss researching it like I used to. I miss reading about it. I miss so much about it.

When I moved to Ohio, I stopped drawing completely. I mean I can count on one hand how many times I have drawn since moving here. And that actually has been in the last 2 years.

It was such a big part of me and it feels like I am missing it. I used to be able to look at a piece of art and tell you probably the artist if not that at least the period. And I could analyze it a little. I loved art history in college. All my art history classes were A's for me.

Now....I can't I look at an artist's work and know I recognize it but can't tell you anything about it. And it bothers me a lot. I am not sure how I got to thinking about art this morning but I did.

It really feels like so many....things that were passions before are I stopped doing all the things I enjoyed when I was owned 4 years ago. Because it felt like they would interfer with my service. Also they seemed to not be things the person I was with liked. So, it seemed useless for me to talk about them. I just stuffed them away and now....they are lost and forgotten basically.

I want them back.

Monday, July 29, 2002


Aydeen gave me a gift today. Every time someone gives me something lately....I feel overwhelmed with...gratitude....and cry.

She gave me Rune's and then the book with them. Right away we opened them I drew a Rune and then she did. And as she told me....I will now always remember the one that we drew first. As she drew the same one only mine was reversed. Mine was....Rune of Opening - Reversed. Here is what the book said about it: "Expect a darkening of the light in some situation or relationship. A friendship may be dying, a partnership, a marriage, or some aspect of yourself that is no longer appropriate to the person you are now becoming. Reversed, this Rune points to the death of a way of being that is no longer valid and puts you on notice that failure to face up consciously to that death would constitute a loss of opportunity. 'Kano Reversed' calls for giving up gladly the old and being prepared to live for a time empty. It calls for developing inner stability and carries the warning not to be seduced by the momentum of old ways while waiting for the new to become illuminated in their proper time."

Fitting with what is going on with me right now. Everything...I do...dream....turn to find.....comes back to that...this is right. To close the one door and go through the next....that is open to me. And I keep trying to find a way to convince myself it won't work and then something comes right up to me...close....right in my face and says " will."

I discussed this with Monseigneur E tonight. And basically what it came down I need to trust him. We would not even be this far if he did not see the potential for success. I said to him...."So basically I should stop worrying so much and know you have things under control, Sir?" And he said that is what he would suggest. So how do I stop worrying? *smiles*

It is really hard letting go and trusting....that someone else is looking out for all these things....that have caused problems before. It is really hard to let go and clear my mind of everything, but pleasing and serving him and just have faith. Not only does it seem he has faith in me....but confidence in that this is going to work. Now I need to get faith in us three together. And I do....I just let my old insecurities crop up. He is not getting long neurotic emails that Nick got...I wonder why? hmmmmmmm

I know why....because Monseigneur E does not let it get to that point. I don't get time to be oh no....maybe I will have to be happy instead? *smiles*

Tonight I realized that I was back to holding him at arms length. And I did not realize I was doing it. I mean last week there were times I did it purposely. But today I did not even see that I was until I was talking to Aydeen. I realized it and felt bad instantly. I apologized for doing so and he gave me a new perspective to look at it from (which is one thing I am really really liking with him)....he told me he wondered how I would feel if he held me at arms length.

And I would feel...awful....because I would get hit with insecurities of maybe I did something wrong and he was mad at me. I doubt highly he would feel the same way but even is not right to do. And I knew that but looking at it from the other perspective made me realize how wrong it is to do that to him.

He has no reason to hurt me. He is not anyone from my past. He wants certain things in his life...and we would not be going this direction if he had not thought about this very carefully.

Right now the biggest fear I am having is...what is facing me in Cleveland....all that I have to do before I go to see Monseigneur E and Linda. It is overwhelming me and I am having tremendous amounts of guilt...over so much.

I have so much I could write about right now...but I am very tired so going to bed.


I am up and should be in bed. My mind is spinning out of control right now. I have put some of my feelings/walls back in place to help me with how I was feeling today but some of it is still out there. Aydeen helped me release some of the things I was feeling. I started to cry. I could have cried a lot more but....I don't like to cry.

I am thinking how things are going to change when I get back to Cleveland specifically my lack of control of my life. As I think about how it will be there, I become very anxious because it seems even stricter then it is now. When I think of feels like I can't breath...the walls closing in around me. I just know Cleveland is going to be very very stressful for me. And that stress will cause me to want me to have my old patterns/house and things that help keep me sane. And control of my life is one of them. So, to not have control of seems at this moment....feels very intense and scary.

I was questioning today...going through things in my head trying to grasp at things I have control of and really I do...but I don't. There are some boundaries that have not been set....but it seems that if I question or need to do something in that area...that I should ask him.

Am I making sense today?

Feel like lately the only person that should understand me is me....I reading back some emails I have sent this week. And you can see so brain and fingers were on 2 different pages…where my fingers were typing something totally different then what went my brain. Wondering how anyone has made sense of what I have been writing.:)

Lots of things flying through this head...I think I am going to get a headache....doubts if...I can do/be, compatibility is a big thing going through my mind, attraction, sex, control, Monseigneur E, Linda, Cleveland, Moni, Katrina - missing everyone, things I have to do when I get back, Mistress DM, food, weight, Nick, Todd, Kam....a thought comes in and then leaves and then another maybe on same subject or not. It just is going and going...actually it is like many are going on at the same time. I hear/see/think several all at once. It is very I am going to go masturbate and try to slow everything usually helps lol

Sunday, July 28, 2002

Wall is Down

I have had an interesting day with emotions.......

A good friend was upset and I opened up my walls....and felt emotions that caused me to panic. I was talking to Monseigneur E as I read the email from her and became distracted...not something I wanted to do after "forgetting" the other day. But he was very understanding of me taking care of my friend. We had a conversation though that I think I am not remembering it fully and that is bothering me.

I did get a hold of that friend and am still worried..hugs and kisses to her. I wish I was there for her and another friend.

I am still feeling the state of panic....though it is a lesser level. I talked to Monseigneur E on the phone and while I was on the phone I kept it abay but now that I have hung up I am feeling that panic again. I think I need to go have a quiet unwind time right now. I am feeling more then this friend also because I let my walls down.

Probably not making much sense....I feel the need to write but not sure what direction right now so I think I will go unwind and then try later.


I cried Friday I got in trouble. I did not expect to cry already. I did not expect to cry from here. But maybe it is safe for me to cry right now here....rather then in front of Monseigneur E.

He told me tonight when chatting with him...that I should look at it from a different perspective. Instead of looking at it as a bad thing - crying...take comfort and security in the fact that he is getting in my head quickly and will be able to protect me...know what I want and not hurt me emotionally or pyschologically.

How he says things to me...make sense. They are clear rational thoughts. And it is one thing I need because I am so emotional...I need that counter balance with someone that is not as emotional. I, of course, want someone with feelings....and I know he has feelings.

I felt tense tonight (Saturday night) when we first started talking.....because of Friday nights convo. And he told me to took a little time but finally I did. I am going through doubts of not being able to do it still...and I know....he has told me several times in various ways...that I am the only one that has doubts. He does not have doubts? Where does he get that faith in me? It is scary to think that someone has faith in me even....isn't that sad? I know many people do but...I just don't feel it because I don't have faith in me.

I am trying....

I really don't want to close this door. I am working hard on keeping it open and hopefully it will not have to be something I think about will just be open to him.

Saturday, July 27, 2002


From contact comes feeling. From feeling comes reaction. This is what keeps us in the cycle of birth and death. Our reactions to our feelings are our passport to rebirth. -Ayya Khema, "Being Nobody, Going Nowhere"


Last night....was an interesting night......very quiet and relaxing with Sir Laz and Aydeen. And then a kind of emotional filled roller coaster when I signed online. I talked to Monseigneur E, Linda, Michael and Nick last night. And each conversation was interesting and emotional. I am having problems writing here as I said yesterday.

But I am going to try to...

Monseigneur E has taken control of me....and will have it until I visit him. And with the control...all sorts of behaviors having been changing. The number one things I need to get used to putting someone else first...Him first. It was my mantra all night...everytime I woke up I kept saying it over and over again so that I hope to get it ingrained in me. I hope it is a quick lesson. It will not be pleasant for me if I do not learn that fast.

Another intersting thing I had happen last night that while he was lecturing me of the failings I had yesterday....I had images of Todd. One specific one involving a hairbrush. Putting Todd first was not something I was taught to do....and that is the just dawned on me. Todd did not teach me to overcome that....actually in a way did not want me to. And it seems Monseigneur E is teaching me a lesson.

Which brings me back to the word I typed above...Rebirth...

I am learning....all sorts of things...again. And I am also uncovering parts me and that feels like a I said a few days ago. Its like I moved into a new house and am getting to know where everything is....and yesterday I was bumping into things even though the lights were on. I just needed to look before I took a step. And I didn' fault.

Thus...he has won again.

Friday, July 26, 2002

an illusion

Today I feel very calm...and good.

Since just feels so different. And I still go through moments of going how did this happen? And also where did I go? Because even now walls are slipping out of place. I wonder if they will go in place again when I get there. Because right now it is seeming way to easy. I did have a moment of wanting to fight last night but....I kept quiet and then did as I was told. Even though it took me forever to get started. And since I am not saying more about what I did that is all that will be discussed on that topic *smiles*

Before I signed offline last night Nick messaged. It was a nice and interesting conversation. He knows me well...emotionally and likes and dislikes. It was a little uncomfortable..for me but not sure about how he felt about it. I feel odd writing about things and knowing he might read them. I have been smiling all week....even though....I care for Nick....those needs in me that I have been pushing I aside...have pushed up front now. And I feel the need to explore the dream I have had for years.

I had my first bouts (sp?) of doubt last night. I was reading something in an journal entry about Todd and I wondered if Monseigneur E was an illusion. But I know very well he is not. One big proof of that is Linda :) So, just old past issues creeping up and nothing really to do with Monseigneur E.

When I thought of fighting last night, I believe I was feeling that way was shortly after my doubts....and I felt the need to fight to test the trust. To see if I could trust him. Which...I have known him a long time and know I can trust him...completely. I knew that before I felt this strong of pull towards him. Before....I moved into my new house and out of the condo on denial :)

I feel like that prickle of energy is rising in me. Not sure what it is....yet.

Thursday, July 25, 2002

be careful what you ask for

Horoscope.....LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): Romantic concerns may still be on your front burner, but you now are trying to narrow your fantasies into the realm of possibility. It isn't going to happen. The cosmos are not going to let you back into the real world quite yet. Dream on and keep that smile on your face so others know your imagination is giving you what you need.

Oh imagination right now is flying high with dark desires :) yummy!

Have you ever heard that saying be careful what you ask for you might get it? Words have never been so truer in my life then right they are right now....

I am not sure even what to say.....because I have lots going on excitement, fear, joy, happiness....because of Monseigneur E and Linda and then I also get very sad when I think of is just a mixture of emotions.

But even with the feelings for Nick that I have going on....I still have this feeling of happiness.

Isn't that a scary thing...that I might actually be able to be happy again?


I should be typing a mad flourish of fingers hitting the keyboard....but I am kind of drained. I did quite a bit of crying. I talked to Nick tonight. It started out bumpy...ended okay...but not great. He was not happy. He was not mad at me. He knew this could happen....could. It will be a year on the 9th of I am sure he has to have felt some security that I have hung around this long...and that I would continue as it has for a year.

I am not even sure what tonight solved or did...but I had to tell Nick what was going on.

Nick does not have a commitment to me....nothing said out loud....nothing formal....but he knew exactly how I placed him in my life. He and I had a talk of where the line is....things that are acceptable and things that are not. I crossed that line yesterday. And that is what I told him. I told him more then that...more details.

Tuesday changed everything. And he knows that. Before Tuesday he could have said do such and such and I would have done it for him am not me anymore. I know that sounds so strange when I type that but it is how it feels.

I did not expect this to happen.

Changing subject slightly.....

Monseigneur E and Aydeen chatted today. Yesterday, she was a little him...about him....which he and I talked about and she and I talked about. She did not understand that I have known Monseigneur E longer then I have had this journal. And that it has been discussed in the past that I "try" with him and Linda....but a couple of reasons have always stopped me/us....2 that are the same reasons we have right now but....we are just kind of accepting and changing I guess. So, it is not like he is just some Dominant I talk to....he is a trusted friend. And he is someone that can make that dream...of what I really want to feel when being owned....come true. Aydeen said I have glowed for 2 days now. She now after hearing that Monseigneur E has gotten to know me for quite some time....and hearing more things about him...she is very happy for me and does not want me to back out or try to talk myself out of going to see him. She told me today basically that this is the dream...I have been searching for....all my life. And as she says things like that I take 2 steps back...arms length. :)

He is not going to let me continue to do that....hold him at arms length. He will not let me hide, deny, avoid or run either....I learned today that I can't hide....oh how much fun I had in learning...that lesson. Gawd lets hope I learned that lesson! :) While he was talking to Aydeen....I was dying of embarrassment and told him something that I felt like doing to hide. And he told me to DO IT! OMG! I hesitated...which...I see clearly in my head how that won't be accept with him in person....and what will happen then...scared. I am very scared.

After I was done doing what I had to do, I sat down Thanked him for my lesson. And then...started to do some writing...and also talked to Linda because she enjoyed what I had to do as much as Aydeen even though Aydeen got to enjoy person. *rolling my eyes* As I was chatting with Linda about just stuff...little girl stuff actually....I started to get mad. And then more and more angry. I did not like that feeling or understand. The only conclusion I can come that he won again!

He and I discussed the anger. He is good. He is firm....controlling....does not back down....but he does not want me to get hurt. He wanted to figure out the anger.

Change of subject of course....

Thinking of Nick...and Monseigneur E...and confused.

Wednesday, July 24, 2002


Horoscope......LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): Your planet Venus symbolizes the aesthetic perfection and artistic balance that you Librans seek in your life. Today, however, she is fighting with Pluto the Powerful. The result is strong feelings of passion running rampant through your most intimate relationships. But it's not all positive, for there can be strong undercurrents of control based upon the fear of change. Let go of your assumptions and roll with the punches.

Tuesday, July 23, 2002

New House

I am not even sure what to be writing. I just feel the need to write....

I feel like I have moved into a new house...and I am getting to know where everything is…maybe I was yanked out of my little condo on de`nial. :) I have all these new thoughts going through my head...body. I know that reality with Monseigneur E is going to whatever he wants...whenever he wants. Service is the foundation of this new house….my him...or a future Owner...him that is the first thought of course. How did that happen? Me service…oriented…not that I am perfect Claudia or anyone from the Market Place…but…me thinking of service again….it feels so odd. It is really like I am in a new house.

My head is pounding but I want to be writing and getting out all these things racing through my mind…I want it to slow down.

I am scared….very scared. I am feeling a little alone right now and I want to scream…probably because my mind is racing. Is everything going to be okay? I know the answer....I am just a little scared right now. more then a little but I will survive. *taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly* :)

ps: I am not going to Monseigneur E's until after SMART in August :)

Saying No

"Karma is not something complicated or philosophical. Karma means watching your body, watching your mouth, and watching your mind. Trying to keep these three doors as pure as possible is the practice of karma." --Lama Thubten Yeshe, "The Bliss of Inner Fire"

I like that a lot. It explains karma to me. Same thing happens in D/s....the structure....if I watch my body, my mouth and my mind...trying to keep them as pure as possible...I will serve my Owner well....*soft smile* my future Owner.

As I am not owned right now....even though after of me feels headed that direction even though I am keeping myself pulled back at the same time. Arms length....I keep repeating my head.

Today the computer had a blip...I thought I fell offline on AIM, so I asked Monseigneur E if I was here...meaning was I online. And he said that he could take that a few different ways...he was right in that moment he could the end of the conversation it mostly was yes Sir's. Obedient and compliant. And I wondered where I went...:)

Have you ever seen a game where the one side just looks like they are in control and then something happen and in a blur of motion and action all of sudden their power is taken away. That is what happened to me today.

Monseigneur E and Linda have wanted me to visit. And I have wanted to visit them. Mostly as a trip for fun and just play...but not anymore. Anyway, with things that are going on in Cleveland....financially/emotionally/physically....I was not going to be able to see them. And yesterday one of them said they were looking into plane tickets for me. I said that I could not accept that. Well, today I was told not to argue. And being who I am....I did. And anyone that knows how I describe Monseigneur E, knows that did not go over well at all. Lets just say I am a very lucky little girl.....not to have been standing before him when I said no.

From that moment....of saying no....and him not taking "NO" for an just went on and on and all of sudden....I have rules and know what it is going to be like from now until when I visit them. And what will happen if I become his slave. I have typed and erased those words as I don't want to read them or hear them or admit them.

It is a blur today.....

How did that happen? :)

Once a long time ago in my journal I wrote that with Monseigneur E that it did not feel like I have choice. Obviously I have choice to get on the plane to go see them....I can do it or not. But there is this little part of me that....can't resist. Muscles move reacting to him and then my brain kicks in and say STOP....question, fight, be stubborn.  And that is what I do. Really it only happened 2 times during the convo but at least I did not say "no Sir" more then just the one time.

We talked about Nick. I am going to see Monseigneur E and it is going to be "trial" visit.....with a possible fill in the blank of what happens...if that goes good? I care for Nick deeply. I care for Monseigneur and Linda.....but the level of feelings for both men are so different. I have a love feeling for Nick. And it is....not sure how to describe the feeling that I have with Monseigneur E. It is connected to my submission. Where my feelings for Nick have nothing to really do with D/s. Take the D/s away and I would still love him. Take the D/s from Monseigneur E and I would not be in the position I was today.

My mind is racing and to top it off now....both Aydeen and myself are sick. I have thrown up 2 times and she has been sick too. I have the starts of a migraine and just feeling more and more awful....going to go rest...and hopefully slow my mind down.

He always wins

This mornings conversation with Monseigneur E will probably be leading to a LONG LONG discussion with Nick soon. I am not sure it is one I want to have.

I got very angry this morning with Monseigneur E and even said a few things outloud to the he could hear...Thank gawd he could not. Being there and saying those things I know would have landed me on the floor hard. I would not have said those things though with him but he would have seen my body language and my facial expressions and known that I was biting my tongue. I am not sure maybe something would have come out but not the things that did here. I said no to that tone that I don't like to. Even as I hit send it.....sparked an image of another time I said no to someone else and had the same feeling. It hurt. It was pain of knowing I was wrong to say no. And then I typed 2 things and backspaced and the 3rd thing that came out I knew he still would not like as I was arguing and told not to argue with him on this thing we were discussing but I said it in a more respectful least then the first 2 things I typed. He is right yestereday he said I have a buffer with typing. I do...I get a buffer to think - in person I won't have the buffer. But I do know having him there before me and knowing...that he will react. He won't let me win....will affect my answers.

Today.....He won again.

He always wins.

questioning my "submissiveness".

I am not even sure where to start.........

Right now the thing most upfront in my mind is Monseigneur E. And Nick....oh wow....

Right now I am questioning my "submissiveness"...if I can be a slave or enslaved. I am reading the Marketplace books and of course that is giving me LOTS of food for thought. Robin...I am really liking lots. Thoughts that go through her head that she does not say happens to me lots. I am just not the same submissive I was.....

Today Monseigneur E asked me if I get enjoyment out of denying my nature and desires. I said no Sir of course not. And then he asked if I got satisfaction out of it. I said no Sir. Then he asked why I persist in denial of my nature and desires. I told him I did not think it was about enjoyment or satisfaction but that right now I have a lot of things going through my head making me question who I am. He said that I was the only one that was not clear about it. :)  The first thought that went through my mind was calm and I typed maybe Sir….though I was thinking yes Sir you are right. Then....I read it again....and I got annoyed. Mostly because I could hear his voice being so calm and matter of fact about it like...there was no way in hell that I am not submissive/slave…..or whatever he wants me to be. That is how it felt when he said it and a little rebel in me wanted to push back....and say you think you are right hahaha yeah right...nice huh? submissive huh? Well, I typed about 4 witty but less then nice remarks and backspaced and deleted them all...

And you know what got me the most after the conversation closed and I walked way from the computer....

That I backspaced. I did not hit enter on any of the remarks. So what does that mean? He won? Maybe. :)

I know I am submissive...I guess what I question more is HOW submissive am I? I am not just a bottom. I can play when I want...I am not wanting just sex...can get that too. I am not wanting just one thing.....I want it all...everything :) I am a greedy slut :)

Someone I know keeps telling me that what I seek does not come in one neat package....I think he is wrong. I think I can find....have found someone that does. Now....I say I want these things but can I do it? Humiliation - easy. Taking a beating - again another easy thing. Sex - no problem :) Bring it all up a few steps – and then….on top of it….add D/s.......and now I have a BIG problem. Which brings me back to what I have been pondering for a while now.....HOW submissive am I.....can I be a slave? be enslaved?

Everyone around me tells me I am submissive. And I do know is just to what degree. Linda told me when I am with her Master...Monseigneur E....that I will see I am submissive. I told her I have changed lots since I last saw her. She said something...she said don't judge my submissiveness when I am single. She said we needed to talk about that later. And I do want to ask her about that as it seems like it could be a very interesting convo.

I wonder if he is always right?

That is my problem….I am always right. I remember having a convo with Todd once and I said this being totally serious and sad about it….he said that I always had to right and I said no I just always was right…and that I hated it. I do. I don’t like that I am always right. Yet at the same time the day I am knocked down a few pegs…is going to be a very enlightening day for me.

Tonight I signed online and Monseigneur E was online and we chatted. His conversation with me was not our usual flavor. (blushing) We were chatting about something he wants to do with me. And something that I want to do with him also just going to be one of those things that will be a learning experience….since I have not done much of it. In the course of discussing this he said something and I took it as a “suggestion” because to me….here I am in Aydeen and Sir Laz’s…home so it seemed….unusual to have this “request” to me. And then he said something else and I realized it was not a “suggestion” or a “request” but basically I was being TOLD to do something. I then informed him of the situation a little more and then he came back with that after that situation cleared I was to proceed with the directions. I was surprised. I was of course totally turned on too.

He then said something close to that he thought we were beyond him making “suggestions” to me.

And that even got to me. I had that little shiver go down the back of my neck.

At one point earlier in the conversation Aydeen read one thing he wrote to me and she even blushed lol I blushed too but she blushed right along with me lol

Monseigneur E and Linda want me to visit. And it seems like NOW – instead of later. It feels very…on the edge right now. And as Moni pointed out to me today….I have business to take care of in Cleveland first. : (

Reading back what I have written….read part about Robin and The Marketplace and the Thank you Sir’s I typed tonight came to mind. Two weeks ago I am not sure I would have said Thank you Sir as much as I did tonight. It was sincere…but I am thinking more with the Marketplace …thinking of things I “forget” that bother me. And being grateful for the things I am given, as a submissive is one of those things. Especially with someone like Monseigneur E.

Before I left I did a blogger entry that was a bunch of dailies smushed together. In it I talked about a fantasy organization of who I would want in it….I listed pretty much people I look up to and respect in D/s and BDSM….Soulhuntre and Kimiko were on that list. Laura Antiniou of course (Author of the Marketplace series) and Monseigneur E is up there with them.

He gets it.

There is so much more I need to type but I need to get to bed….Good night.

Written March 26, 2012 @ 9:26pm: I just reread this entry tonight and I am just adding what he had me do...he had me sit under the desk for a period of time and then had me sit on the floor and type to him in im. Basically kneeling at the desk to type.

Sunday, July 21, 2002

Sex in the City

Sex in the City....season opener tonight :) I am excited about it. The season is going to be shorter then usual, because Sarah Jessica Parker is pregnant. Today was a lazy Sunday with kids and just lounging around. It was nice. I read some of The Slave. I really like this book, but at the same time it is making me utterly uncomfortable. Not sure why though exactly. Yesterday I was having extreme pain and humiliation thoughts and today I am sexually charged...I ache for an orgasm....several.  Probably Aydeen rubbing off on me since she said she wanted sex :)

I am sexually charged and on edge and nervous at the same time. Maybe just sexual energy?

Today Aydeen and I were looking at dirty pictures...many from my yahoogroup Ayn's Place. But it turned us both on and then reading The Slave today a part where Robin was f*cked. So, it made me get full of sexual frenzy.

I am also craving music to just close my eyes and get lost in it. I had some interesting day dreams of Nick today too..that I was trying to lose myself in.

Better go and see what Aydeen is up to...Sex in the City comes on soon.

Sunday Op-Ed

1. Fall

What is my favorite season? The birthday is in the fall...but I believe even if it was not....I would still love the fall...the crisp fall air.....beautiful colors when the leaves change......flannel shirts, sweaters, hot cocoa, pumpkins, snuggling by a fire, walks that clear my mind.

2. Vacation

What am I doing right now? Taking a vacation :) Aydeen is spoiling me! It has been very nice! I am a VERY lucky woman to have such wonderful friends in my life. One of those things I try to be very grateful for always.

3. Travel

Something I like to do but don't do as much as I used to? Travel....I need to go to KC, Arizona, Minnesota, been invited to Nebraska recently.....I would like to go to Detroit, Pittburgh, and then of course to see Honey and travel summer *crossing fingers and toes*

Libra Horoscope

Libra Horoscope for week of July 18, 2002 from Free Will Astrology...

After analyzing your astrological omens, I see it's an ideal time for you to develop a more intimate relationship with pronoia. The opposite of paranoia, pronoia is a theory that says life is constantly conspiring to shower you with blessings. I know it may sound preposterous, but evidence tending to confirm this theory is now mounting in your vicinity. To get yourself in sync with the cosmic trends, I suggest you make a list of "Things That Don't Suck." A San Jose newspaper called "The Wave" recently offered its version, which included the following: "Eating someone else's food out of the refrigerator and not getting sick. Buying someone a great gift and keeping it for yourself. Losing your virginity to someone completely out of your league." Now get out there and make your own list, Libra. I'm sure you can do better.

Saturday, July 20, 2002

The Soul of the Moon

From....The Soul of the Moon....

Moon and stars have lots of symbolism and meaning for me.....and so this really touched me.....especially tonight...I suppose it because of the stars and moon's I saw today....

"Gazing upon the Moon this summer's night, we might feel a chord of recognition resonate deep within us. Drawn back to a time when humans communed more deeply with Nature, we might go outside and sit beneath the velvet sky, so dark and pregnant with meaning. Reconnecting with the long lineage of our earthly ancestors, we might meditate on the slender, silver cup of Moon etched against the blackness. Breathing in her wisdom, breathing out our daily worries, we feel ourselves filled with a numinous, nameless presence. Allowing our hearts to become like the Moon, we draw down the spiritual sustenance that nourishes our soul life within. Fountain drops of lunar light irradiates our whole being. A still calm and quietude pervades the space within and without. We become the very Moon upon which we gaze: a vessel of light floating in a sea of infinite stars."

Friday's Five...on Saturday night

Friday's Five...on Saturday night.....

1. Where were you born? Up North :)

2. If you still live there, where would you rather move to? If you don't live there, do you want to move back? Why or why not? Parts of me would like to move back to North Dakota.....but....other parts say NO WAY! :) loudly...can you get that? North Dakota was great though...but my lifestyle now....I just don't think possible in the small towns in N.D.

3. Where in the world do you feel the safest? I have not found that place yet.....I feel many places but I know there is a place out there will make me feel utterly safe...and sound. Sound is a good thing.

4. Do you feel you are well-traveled? No, not really.....Would love to travel more. I am going to go to Europe next summer and travel with Honey...and maybe Nick can come too *grin*

5. Where is the most interesting place you've been? NYC...loved it loved it loved it...and I did not even get to do anything BDSM lol I just walked and walked and walked and bought BOOKS LOTS of books..and went to some galleries and musuems. I really liked it there. It would probably get to me though after a while...all the people....the sound....the would start filling up in me.

Blank Slave

Last night....I when I picked a Rune out of the bag and it was the blank one....

I had the rush come through me of knowing....that did not matter what the book was going to say...I knew in me what it meant…for me….to me. And it was rush of energy. It meant...nothing. Being nothing...becoming nothing....feeling the state of being nothing.

The book then ended up talking about the truth of surrender. And so much that relates to the feelings I am having. I have never felt I was slave material. I did not think I could do it. But part of me...wants it so badly. So, if I want it so much does that mean I can do it? I want to be a slave, but have felt maybe I am not one.

When Mistress DM said I was not...I was crushed...literally. I grieved and cried. This person that I respect and want approval from crushed my dream. And if she felt then it must be true. I then got mad. Mad at her for not seeing...ME. And it was like one of those things where someone tells can't do just to prove them wrong you work harder to prove them wrong. That is what I was going to do and then life got in the way. I then came to a quiet understanding that deep inside....I feel I am a slave....and the one that will eventually own me will see it too....and bring it out…from behind the walls that I have put it deeply protected. And that is all that mattered. But it is hard to hang on to that....hard to hang on the belief without the proof. It is hard to hang on and say one day...wondering when if that one day will be here. Wondering if it is just a daydream in me or if it is a reality and I can be a slave.

As I read about Robin....I shake my head....remembering....times like her...assumptions on how to serve....assumptions on how things should be....not showing the gratefulness at the appropriate times (that one is a hard one for me). There are things that come to me natural instinct. Things that don't come out of my mouth even though they are thought is not appropriate. There are other things that when I have lost it....lost my patience....lost my...searching for the is that place of serving and confusion of not knowing what to expect next and not feeling the direction at all...and feeling like I am doing it all on my own...that things come out of my mouth that are LESS then appropriate.

I want to be nothing and the feelings as I read the Market Place series becomes stronger. I want to feel that feeling of being nothing. It scares me and it makes me feel so calm when I let myself go into the daydream of it.

Last year when Nick came into my life I wanted the things that Todd gave me (the good things). And now I get torn between wanting to be treated like nothing and wanting to be cared for. Can both be achieved? Will that feeling of nothingness make me feel cared for?

Aydeen and I were making beds last night and she told me a story of her being totally exhausted...having a long day. Sir Laz came in to help her make the beds as she had....a long day and was just so tired. She started to get more and more on edge as he helped and finally she asked him if she could make the bed by herself and him just watch her. It was making her on edge...her Master helping with something she enjoys doing FOR him…a way she serves him. It made her feel cared serving her making the bed and him watching her. So, I thought about it for a moment and it only took me a moment believe me...and if the one that Owned me....came to help me I feel I would feel more cared for because he was helping. Now....okay this is the tricky part....for me.....

This morning I thought about it more...and I think if Monseigneur E came in and helped me.....I would be terribly uneasy. And if Nick did...I would feel cared for....but maybe it is because the relationships. Nick and I are comfortable far (things will change when we hit real life). And Monseigneur E is more formal to me....I know he can joke around and have fun. But there is a feeling of formality around him...when I think of him. And air of respect that I can't really put into words. And I know that I care for him...but it is different then how I care for Nick. And maybe it is just because I just recently admitted I have feelings for Monseigneur E. But they are more D/s - BDSM feelings. And with Nick...I have D/s, BDSM, Vanilla, Love, and just all sorts of feelings. I care for both but in very different ways.

I better stop babbling….eating a sandwich that Aydeen just made me…I am being spoiled rotten :)


Just going to post a quickie....

Tonight was Laz and Aydeen gave me a dragon necklace. Because they feel like I do about them...they are family to me...and I am to them. I know I can call them when I need them and same goes for them. I am very blessed to have them in my life. The necklace is a dragon with a blue ball....I think it is lapis...maybe(?) Anyway, very beautiful and I started to cry of course.

We talked about extending my plane ticket tonight also....nothing firm on that yet though.

Aydeen and I came home a little while ago from a friend of Aydeen's. It was very nice her friend is very cool :) While there I did a Rune, I pulled out the blank one....which instantly felt right and I knew why......

I read in the book about it and it fit too. Aydeen is going to find her book so I can type it up to post here. Also, in reading the ruin...made Aydeen's friend think of this section/page in another book goes with Zen cards....and it was about No-Thingness. And I will type about what I read and how it made me feel tomorrow. It was very interesting!

Friday, July 19, 2002


I am having a nice time in Memphis.....Aydeen is spoiling me though so it is going to be rough on me when I get home. Right now I sit here typing with a kitten sleeping on my foot. The kitten is very cute and tiny. I wish I could pet her but I am allergic to cats. I chatted with Linda and then Honey this morning online. It was nice to chat with both of them. I did not start my convo with Linda...hi how are you...I started with Do you still have bruises. She went on to decribe the bruises she had left and then some of what her scene with her Master entailed. And Aydeen and I were drooling with envy....well I drooled and then had a rush of fear go through me. I asked if the new girl with them came home with bruises and Linda she did not like pain but more mind play. I said I like both....all I want is everything. I want it all. :)

The other night when I talked with Monseigneur E, I was telling him that I relate to just little aspects of the submissives in the book but not one really just stood out and said this is me. He said at the end of the book...I would see where Brian is like me. I was reading a part where Brian was going over and over in his mind about everyone was trained with a Robert was a driver/bodyguard and that Claudia could run a household, and Sharon was given dance lessons as well as lessons on Opera and other things of that nature. But he felt he was not being groomed for anything and getting upset about. As Brian is getting upset...I was getting upset that Monseigneur E said I was like Brian....And the part comes...the part where Brian gets on his knees and begs.....and I started crying and crying and crying....I had to put the book down and just sit and cry. I could see myself doing that. It would take me a while to get it like Brian did...also. And how I am now....I looked back in the book where Brian did things but did not exert more then he had to.....I can see me doing that now.

I hate what I have become.....I get mad and want to scream....because I was not like this....and I want the rage gone. I remember serving everything in myself so that I was so exhausted by the evening...I had no choice but to sleep. I remember doing all that I could plus things I could not and wearing myself too thin....just to serve him better. Where every thought was how to better serve and if he would want me to do something....every thought and muscle reacted to being owned. Not that I want to be so extreme but now...I am the opposite end. I do not think ahead and don't want to is like they have to prove worthy first. The Dominant prove worthy.....

Something Monseigneur E and I discussed just popped to mind as I said worthy......I told him the ONE thing I want to do that I have never done. My one extreme thing...that is taboo even in BDSM lifestyle....I want to be f*cked by a dog. I try not to antcipate how Monseigneur E is going to react as he is not predictiable. And what he said was not predictable and had to do with being worthy. It of course got a reaction out of me though - *blush*

Back to the Dominant proving himself worthy......I just will not give everything unitl I know....that I am going to be taken care of in return. By taken care of....I mean my needs. The needs of slave go beyond food and shelter. I told Aydeen and Linda that I am going through that phase of wondering if I am submissive. And I am......but Aydeen has pointed out a couple times...when I said things about Nick....and says you don't think that is being submissive. I said no...I can live in denial. More and more I think about it what I think is that I can be submissive but not full time....or maybe I will not able to be enslaved.

I started reading book 2...The Slave...and Robin I am relating to.....right now. Might change as time goes she reacts the thoughts that go through her head. She does what she is suppose to but she has thoughts of should I or what is the right away...self-doubts if she can do it...really. I am sure The Slave will be just as interesting as The Market Place. to buy these books.....

I get daily - an inspiration, horoscope, Hindu Wisdom and Buddist Wisdom. Today's Hindu Wisdom....I just read....

Just as rivers flow from east and west to merge with the one sea, forgetting that they were ever separate rivers, so all beings lose their separateness when they eventually merge into pure Being. -Chandogya Upanishad

Thursday, July 18, 2002

Living Situation

Yesterday Aydeen and I went to lunch at a Thai restaurant. I had spicy beef noodles; it was really good! They looked like they had a lot of good things on their menu. Then we went to a museum that had an exhibit of Chinese Artistry…mostly Jade pieces. It was very interesting. The pieces were very elaborate....full of tiny detail. After that we went to see Lord of the Rings, since I had not seen it before. I liked it. I read the books in junior high but was not overly thrilled with them so was not sure how I would like the movie. But it was a pretty good movie. Not sure I liked that it just ended…but I know they have 2 more coming out. So, they had to pick a place to end it.

I am pretty much avoiding writing today. I keep distracting myself with surfing on the web. I have time to kill today which is fine with me as I got my period last night and so my first full day of my period is always awful.

After our full day yesterday…I ended up getting online late evening…and I chatted with Monseigneur E and Linda. I had a nice talk with both of them. Both asked within minutes of each other about me visiting them. I wish I could go straight from Memphis to KC but I can’t afford it right now.

This morning I chatted with Kam online for just a few moments and my stress level went through the roof. And it was just minutes. I did my usual...try to be there for him as much as I could and did not let on that I was sitting here crying because of the stress. I did not realize how much stress I have had in my life lately....really until I was chatting with him. I realized how much I am able to let go and forget about things when I am here. I have lots of things to be thinking about and I am not really thinking about any of them. Which might be good…just think about nothing right now so that I am free to focus when I get back.

Anyway trying to let go of that stress now and that is why I think I was trying to distract myself with surfing instead of writing.

As I said I am reading the Market Place series right now….book one. And I don’t feel I really relate to any of the characters. Some parts of a few of them I do…but I don’t think I could “live” the market place lifestyle. As much as I have dreamed about it and wanted it all my life, I admitted that to myself though probably about 2 years ago, I am much to selfish….and wanting my needs taken care of that I just don’t think I could do the market place. They would be sending me away. That makes me sad to think about it.

I am going through that wondering if I am really submissive at all….could I be enslaved? I just am so confused right now.

When I think of being with Nick….serving him….and when I think of Monseigneur E and serving him…it feels very good. I get nervous and scared but I also can’t wait. There is more fear with Monseigneur E and more love and caring when I think of Nick. I think of Nick and serving…is starting to come from that place that cares about him and wants to show him how I care by being a good submissive to him. My wanting to serve Monseigneur E….not sure where that comes from lol really I am serious. It is respect. It is like there is not a choice. There is….obviously I can say no. But it seems like a hard word to be said to him.

Aydeen and I just were talking about my living situation. And it was a hard talk. I could write a book about everything going on at home and all the stresses. I don’t want to have to deal with it but not going to get around it. I just hope that when the time is right that the answers come. Because right now I feel like I don’t have many answers. Or maybe I am just not seeing them.

I did the cube to Aydeen and then Sir Laz yesterday evening. It was interesting to see. I always like seeing/hearing others Cube. : ) I think Lisa’s was the most interesting so far (grin). I need to write her as I think I am going to be in town August 4th.

I am really down today…and overly emotional and I am sure it I has to do with the fact that I have my period. I just am thinking about all these things in my life and getting more and more stressed and upset. Guess I need to go and read some of the Market Place and get turned on instead of upset : )

Wednesday, July 17, 2002


Yesterday was a busy day for was nice though to just to hang out and be around her. We had a good talk when we came home. I found out where things are with her and I needed to hear them. And it feels much more relaxed to be around her now....not that it was tense but I guess I just know where I stand with her. Now if it could only be that easy with Sir Laz. It bothers me he has not say...."this is what I would like....will you....??" But I also have not asked. *shrugs*

I talked to Nick last was a GREAT I needed so much. I did not have my walls up with him either because....I was in such a confused state with what was going on with Sir Laz and Aydeen and then just these other feelings I am having that seems to feel like something else is about to hit....maybe just relaxing more and so it feels unknown to me.  My talk with Nick was great. He is awesome. It started right away with what was happening here and he enjoyed me having to share those details as I was getting all blushy and squirmy....not enjoying having to talk about it at all...because it was not what I expected so I was embarassed. And he was not upset at all. His big thing as I have said many times before is...he wants me safe...mentally, emotionally, and physically.

I just was not expecting anything that has happened here to happen....and sexually I am fine with things as long as I know the boundaries and know it is just fun and sex. But D/s I am not comfortable with and not sure why exactly but Monseigneur E as well as Nick are coming to mind as I type that. BDSM things could happen....but D/s....I am not wanting to give up control at all.

I keep going through the thought of wondering if I can give up control. I do in limited way....and that is fine but can I give up control like is done in the Market Place series. I am reading book 1 right now. I going through that am I submissive stage again.

I have skipped around...and all over....and now...need to get going. We are spending the whole day here tomorrow. So, I will write more tomorrow.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have. - Woody Allen

Tuesday, July 16, 2002

Sybian and the G-Spot

I am waiting for Aydeen to get back....ran out for a little bit and then we are going to lunch. She mentioned tomorrow going to a Jade Museum which would be interesting :) I am really out of it today. Not sure if it is because of last night's playing or just not sleeping well. I feel groggy and I am almost shaking underneath my skin.

Sir Laz and Aydeen have a sybian...for anyone that does not know what that is a f*cking machine. So we played with that last night. It was cool. We talked about how to achieve orgasms is different for everyone. The machine has an attachment for G-Spot. And I hate my G-Spot touched. It hurts. I have had men that I told that too and of course they always say well the people you are with do it wrong...let me do it to you and they do and of course what happens...I am in pain. Why do men not get that women KNOW their bodies. Sorry for the rant. Anyway, I tried was interesting. :) It was a very powerful orgasm from it. I did not squirt though and even though I did not want to...I thought I might. I can ejaculate and so the possibility was there.

As I wrote yesterday I am a little shocked of how things have started here...and they have been maintaining that direction. And so I am still in shock even though since it started that way I am not sure why I am shocked still. Last night one thought was of last time I was here....and also of Nick. Since I know his impression of my stay here would be as "friends" sooooooooooooooo not having it be that way I really really feel he should know even though I know he is going to say do what is best for you.

I wanted to talk to him so much last night. I even missed that deep needing where I could have cried with the pain of needing him. I remember when I told Todd I needed him. It was a big thing for me to do. And hard to do. I have been thinking about Todd LOTS lately. And especially here for some reason.

It feels like my life is on the verge of something happening.....I wonder what it is or if it is even there. I feel like I am bracing myself for it. Maybe it is not my life maybe it is affecting lots of people's lives....what it kind of feels like is how I did before 9/11. Strange huh? I feel it heightened right now though. But maybe it is just releasing of my stress that I had all last week. Maybe it is the different kind of stress I am going through here now. Maybe it is just an uneasiesness of feeling out of control with my life at the moment....which would include those last 2 things too :)

I wonder how Thunder in the Mountain's went....I have been thinking of Monseigneur E and Linda and wondering if they had fun. And wondered if Mistress DM had a good time also.

I am thinking of Moni today...sending her positive thoughts and love.

Sorry if my spelling is bad right now.....or worse then usual.....I don't have my nifty little program that someone clued me in be spell checking for me.

Monday, July 15, 2002

Leo, Gemini and Aquaris

Music: Ottmar Liebert....a collection of his....Aydeeen was the on that got me hooked on him so we are listening to a new one she has

I am in Tennessee :) It was a good flight and everything was just fine except for the fact that I had to take my shoes off lol But that was not a big deal really to me either only that Kam had joked about it before we lefted. It is great to see Sir Laz and Aydeen :) We are already having fun of course. It is just so nice to be here and I feel the stress kind of fading from me. Which Katrina told me the other night just relax while you are there and don't think about things back in Cleveland. I am doing a pretty good job of that LOL

Aydeen and I were talking this morning about Todd and Di yeah lovely topic I know, but I was just trying to fill her on on some things that happened. I was talking about astrology too and that Todd was a Leo. I told her of some of the charts I have done with him in them and I don't know why I did not remember this but Aydeen is a Leo too with the same birthday as Todd. I think I blocked it because...she does not have Leo qualities to me - where Todd does. And then Sir Laz is a Gemini and I forgot that too. Gemini and Leo's are who I am most compatible with...according to one astrology book I have. The other says Aquaris and Gemini.....Morgan was an Aquaris.

Change of topic...I wonder if a person can pull so away things that they turn energies off....and spirituality.....not sure I am phrasing that right. I think there is a belief...a knowing always with a person. But I feel because of stresses...well I feel different but also some similarites to when I was on medication for depression 7 years ago. Where I almost feel numb to what is good for me. I have been really wanting and feeling I should get more in touch with my spiritual side. I want to do work with my chakras and such and do at times. But I don't put the full energy I need to put into it to make it last and feel good. I don't think I am making any sense today. Reason I am thinking about that right now is Aydeen and I have been talking about energy, healing, spiritual things....and so that made me think about the Chakra meditation I like to do and how I don't feel it like I know I should. And I know I don't put my full energy into it and let go of things enough to let myself really FEEL. I don't like feeling right now more then what I do. I put everyone at arms length right now....and not being as true to myself as I should be.

My visit here has started differently that I guess I thought it would. Probably won't write a lot about it....but I was a little shocked. Not that it is a bad thing but I guess I just moved us all to the "friends" category after being here the last time. So....when....more has happened. I was surprised. I think I am still processing some of it. We had fun. It helped me relax LOL I am just not sure how far I can take it.....sexually would be easier then D/s elements for me. Also I did not discuss anything with Nick and even though I don't have "rules," I do discuss things with him first usually, just as a courtesy....because he is the one I pretty much devote myself too. Ugghh as I type that I thought of Monseigneur E. It has always been first thoughts of Nick when I wake in the morning and last thoughts in they day but since pulling away and since admitting some feelings I have for Monseigneur E and Linda my thoughts are mixed during the day now of Nick and them. I always thought of Nick first when I was going to do something...thought of "asking him permission" - even though it is not a requirement....I did it. I stopped doing that a while back I want to say about a month ago. Last night I did not think of that while with Sir Laz and Aydeen - asking - but today I did. But mostly because I know how Nick views them from the things I told him and I don't want him to be I was :) I did not ask Nick's permission to go to Monseigneur E's and Linda's and I know that had to have stood out to Nick. And I won't ask permission. Because it is something he can't decided for me. It is my choice. Not that Nick really ever decides. He tells me everytime I have ever asked for anything to do what I need to do - to take care of myself. I know his preference though. I can tell by how he words things. I am babbling....

Aydeen made me a yummmyyyyyy omelette this peppers, cheddar cheese and ham! I also had a Sonic Cherry Limeade something I miss from my Kansas days :) I had one of those last night.

I better go get on with my day and see what we are doing here...:)

Sunday, July 14, 2002


Music: When the Stars go Blue ~ U2 and the Corrs (just loving this song right now...playing it over and over again)

I am up but not awake! I just took a shower to get ready to leave for Tennessee. I think I have everything…but who knows LOL Yesterday was Fem Sub - I went to that, as I was the facilitator for this meeting. But really it ended up being a *VERY* small group…so we just chatted. Which was fine with us. And then after that I went to a play party. : ) And got to play...something I was not expecting at all. I played with Michael…Moni’s Michael. I am pmsing and had lots of emotional stress this week so Michael started and then hit me with this very intense toy. I just could not push into my painslut or even masochistic space. I flexed my hands and Michael noticed and came up and touched me…I took a few breathes and then told him…that I was having troubles getting to my space and why. He then tried a different approach. Which worked.

An approach I did not expect.

I might write more about it tomorrow…or maybe not. : )

Moni afterwards said that I was near tears and that she wanted me to cry. I was like “thanks,” but after I got in my car and was driving home…I knew what she meant. Tears would have been good for me.

On my way home…Nick called but I had stopped to get a diet coke and missed him. And then as I was pulling off the exit to my home…Michael called. I did not expect him to call again…from how things went the other night. I am keeping everyone at arms length because it is just too hard right now to let emotions go anywhere…else. I am sure he felt I was distant. I was happy to hear from him but right now…I am just in such a weird place.

I was just noticed that someone was reading the June archives…June of last year. So, I went to read and see what they were reading. Strange how it was the week that Todd and I broke up. Or maybe it is not strange.

I was just reading something I wrote about Illusions and now wondering who was the illusion Todd or Di…both. Oh well…life has certainly gone on…and for the better. My life has been really good this past year. …LOL I am being serious! Overall, my life has had bumps but learned a lot…have had some really good times…and am going forward…

I am…laughing often, living passionately, loving deeply…well loving…and am loved.

Saturday, July 13, 2002

10 Mins

Well this needs to be a quickie. : ) I only have 10 mins. I have a hair hot wax treatment on and I am suppose to leave it on 10 mins before I wash it off lol So, this is going to be a quickie! I have lots of little things to do today…to get ready to leave for vacation. I am feeling much better today….being around friends always helps. I went to Carpe Diem’s informal last night. I had a nice time.

I have had starts of migraines for the last 2 days. I am thinking my period is either going to hit…which will be oh so thrilling to have while on vacation LOL Or it is just stress and actually a big one will hit right when I get there as I will let go a little. What happens is I keep it all in and then when I let go and it is like I am giving myself permission to purge it and usually results in getting sick to my stomach or having a migraine or a combination of both. So, my first day in Tennessee might not too fun. : ( But I will be glad to let go and just relax! I know Aydeen has lots planned for us already.

Monseigneur E and Linda called me from Thunder in the Mountain’s last night. It was really good to hear from them! It is their first big event like this so I am sure they are having fun. They called right before everything was starting last night…so I am sure the stories I will hear when they get back will be great : ) It was good to talk to both of them. Linda was walking over to hand the phone to Monseigneur E and she said you are already blushing aren’t you? I said yes LOL I was…just the thought of talking to him made me blush. I am a silly girl! They both told me they wished I was there and I wish I were too. I am sure it would have been an amazing weekend. But soon…I hope to be visiting them.

Okay I better go and rinse off… and then go run errands. Tonight is Ohio Fem Sub and then I am going to a party after that and then up early to leave for Tennessee! Yippee!

Friday, July 12, 2002

Gift of Submission - NOT

Monseigneur E did an essay on Gift of Submission. It was a good essay. I am going to ask him if I can put it on my website so that people can read it. Anyway, I did get his permission to post it to some local groups lists.....and there have been a variety of responses. Most of the submissives that have responded though have totally got what he said and appreciated it.

So here are my thoughts on the Gift of Submission.....

Submission is not a gift to me.....I know surprise surprise *smiles*

I don't give my submission as a gift. I submit because I am submissive. I don't do my art because it is a gift. I do it because I am an artist. I don't do graphic art because it is a gift. I do it because I am a graphic artist. I have those things in me and so not acting on those things would not be true to myself.

Furthermore, I would never call my submission a gift because at times it is not a beautiful thing...that is often portrayed when people talk about the Gift of Submission. Just like when being an artist it is a struggle at times. Or when I am hired as a graphic artist I don't always like what I have to do for a client. I don't think being puppy dog trained was a gift. It was hard and a struggle. And even though I did it and in the end I am glad I experienced it. It was not a gift I gave my Dominant. It was was not a beautiful, cherished thing. It was my duty as well as something I do because I am submissive and have the need to submit.

If I gave the "gift" of submission that would mean I could take it back to me....when it was not fun or when it not beautiful and cherished like precious treasure. It implies to me I have the power. And I am submissive....I don't want the power. Even if I am a control freak :)

I am compelled to submit through trust, respect and compatibility. It is a power exchange. It is both people getting needs taken care of through a power exchange. Submission is a need for me not a gift I is a need I get taken care of through a power exchange.

The End :)

Yesterday was hard and part of me.....let myself down. My eyes are so swollen and I am getting so anixous and scared of what will happen....even though I hear little part of me deep inside saying you can do it....and others around me encouraging me. I am still very scared. Not sure where things stand yet. But I know what come of it eventually.

I just changed my who's who page yet again. I changed it so that I put the person's name and then the first quality/feeling/thought I think of when I think of that person. And it was hard to just go with the first thing, but I did it.

I am stressing about simple things now because of the other stresses in my life. It is strange how that works. Just snowballs I thing gets out of hand and then the rest are affected by it. I need to call Nick today or for sure tomorrow before I leave for Sir Laz's and Aydeen's. I know he will be thrilled I am going. I will have email access while there and probably time to update my journal. So I won't be out of touch totally. Aydeen has lots planned for us....including Godiva Chocolates! LOL There is a story with those.....but lets just say I REALLY enjoyed the Godiva Chocolates we bought the last time I was there. *blushing*

Last night, Michael called me. And I was happy to hear from him but I don't think he understood exactly how big last night was and why I was so out of it and drained. He wanted the fun, sensual danae...and I was just emotionally drained.

I was thinking back about past July's because the 9th was an anniversary and I remembered my first July was a hard one. And some issues of then...are probably what brought up the anxiety last night that came up. I just wish I would have thought of it before my conversation last that maybe I could have contained it. Beating up on myself pretty hard today.....:(

I did not sleep last night so going to bed that I don't look like I do right now for Carpe Diem's informal tonight. I look forward to being with friends!

Thursday, July 11, 2002

Needed to Hear

Music: a mix of jazz

I am feeling very down today. Like everything that is going on is hitting me. Or might be because I did not sleep hardly at all last night. I just could nto get comfortable.

Last night I went to a girls get together. It was nice but I felt very out of it and on the edge of it almost. There was an I Ching reader there…and I asked 3 questions. The first questions answer surprised me a bit. But also said things that were good. The second question was positive. And then 3rd question actually probably surprised me the most. And that was a question about Nick. And it was really really positive and more then I expected.

You know how you know things…but just need to hear it from someone else. That is how I kind of feel the I Ching and also Tarot readings are for me. That I know the answer but to hear it from someone else…validates it basically.

I have been having lots of thoughts and feelings on my more extreme bdsm beliefs. My thoughts and feelings for wanting to be nothing is really upfront. And part of me knows that it is because one I want to escape into it. And another is because I have been having dreams of doing things with one person and also Monseigneur E doing some things to me also. So, when I am having dreams everything is up front and hard to get out of my mind.

unshakeable knowledge

Truth is no theory, no speculative system of philosophy, no intellectual insight.

Truth is exact correspondence with reality.

For man, truth is the unshakeable knowledge of his real nature, the Self.

-Paramhansa Yogananda

Tuesday, July 09, 2002


Music: Ottmar Liebert ~ The hours between Night and Day

I am feeling more centered today. I am sure that is due to my awesome friends!

There is nothing better than the encouragement of a good friend. -- Katharine Butler Hathaway

I have had lots of encouragement. Everyone has been so great. I hoping this centered feeling helps me stay “zen” as Nick described it.

Last night I messaged, Nick on yahoo even though it showed him not being on. He read the offline message and was concerned…he called me but I did not hear my phone. I went to bed and woke up at 4am with a nightmare. I signed online and he was there…as he is 3 hours ahead of me. And so we talked a little bit online and then he called me when he realized the seriousness of what was going on. He told me I should have called him the night before. That I can always call and I know that but since I have pulled away I don’t feel I should. He and I talked on the phone for over an hour. The sun was coming up here when I hung up with him. I went back to bed and Aydeen called me this morning….late morning. I am going to go there still. I am very excited just to hang out and be there. I offered to help her unpack; they just moved into a new house.

Then today I went shopping…while I was shopping Nick called to check on me. It made me feel very good.

Today is an anniversary for me. It has actually gone very well considering I have been having nightmares about it for about 2 weeks. So, I thought I might have lots of anxiety today but really I have been very calm. I feel calm and very strong even though there is still fear of all that could happen. I know that I am not going to be all alone and on the street. Even though there is lots of things that can happen still…that I won’t be happy about the end result I know I can get through.

I need to go do dishes. And dig out my suitcase to start packing for Tennessee : )

Monday, July 08, 2002

More Anger

I posted last night and was angry....I did not think it would be possible to be angered further but guess that was proven wrong. As I just typed that I thought of my I Ching reading. It was correct. I am going to need grace and humility to get through this one. I am scared and angry and not feeling very graceful or humble. Nothing like having the rug pullen out from under me. I almost gave Nick ones of those 2 am phone calls.....but I didn't. As soon as Moni signed online this morning though...I dumped on her. She was terrific of course....very very support and I know she will be here to help me get through this. I know I have lots of good friends who will help me. I was going to leave to see Sir Laz and Aydeen on Sunday the 14th. I am now wondering if what is going on if that will be possible Though it would probably do me good to go and then come back to be able to regroup and tackle things that will need to be done. Timing.....always off.

Sunday, July 07, 2002


I had something anger to me tonight almost more then anything has in a year. And I feel my blood pressure just flying sky high. I was so mad I felt myself shaking. Life is good right? LOL I have to laugh because otherwise I won't be able to get through this night. Why don't people think?

Friday I was asked something and even though it was hard for me...I put everything aside because I felt by how this person asked the question that it was VERY important that I put aside my problems and just do what was best for this person. Down deep in my gut I had something say ask this one question....don't trust....and so I asked. And the answer I got angered me so much. My gut was right. I hate that it hurts that I was right.

I will be over this by tomorrow it is just still so upfront....

I need to get to sleep as I have a long day tomorrow. And a stressful one.

Feel bad for liking it

Things I have been feeling lately....

I have had the need to feel bad...bad about me, bad about being a sexual being, bad about craving the things I crave. I don't usually feel bad for my feelings. My feelings about the brutality and need for it always feel good to me. It makes me complete. So why would I want to make myself feel bad about something that most people have tremendous amount of guilt about and are always so surprised I never had?

As a child I never had guilt for being a sexual being. I thought we all were like this...and probably why I dealt with some of my sexual abuse so differently. It was not until basically I was an adult that I "really" figured out that I was not normal. It is so strange. The things done to me were not right and hurt and I was scared and it did not seem normal, but it did not occur to me to tell. I know I am not explaining this well. But it just seemed like....I am going to say this and I hate to say it....I hate that I am going to say it, but I have never said this before. Part of me it was just who I am...that little bit of me that tells me I deserved it....and logically I know that is people feel that is wrong. People probably would tell me that I have a low self esteem because of the things done to me so that is why I think that being abused is okay. I hate that people use an excuse. I believe I am this way. Why should I feel bad about that?  I was born a masochist and submissive. They are qualities in me that were not learned or taught, but there in me. Just like being homosexual or hetro...or being talented in art or doing math....those are just personality qualities making up a person. I am this way. Him, the person who abused me, I don't want to justifying what he did, but maybe he saw that in me and used it. I know that is what Don did I know that without a doubt. He told me so.

Really at first Don was a good was just when he started having personal problems that.....he started being more cruel.But again he needed me to use and abuse to get through those problems. I was there to hurt.

Mind racing in like 12 directions right now. I wish society would just accept me as is...I need brutality of abuse.

Saturday, July 06, 2002



LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): Although you may be feeling something deeply, your tendency is to analyze it away, thus minimizing its importance. Feelings are what they are. You don’t need to do anything about them. But try to avoid the temptation to intellectualize your feelings or you will find the inner conflict developing a life of its own.



My skin is prickly. I need it. I need to be feel the humiliation and fear. I love the fear. It turns me on. I was thinking of the fear....thinking of how it makes me feel and wondered if eventually I wouldn't fear fear. That it would just acceptance it is my place. Or will I become more scared.

Will the fear strip the layers of what society expects me? Then maybe I will be nothing. I want to be feel like I am nothing. To feel worthless. Why? I am not sure. I guess I feel if I am broken down to that state I will really be free. Free of all those layers and daily masks I put on.

I often wonder if it goes back my childhood. Maybe some of it does. But even if it does, so what. I feel it and I feel I need it. And that to me is what is important.

Don't Judge Each Day

I went to bed about 11:30 I think…my clock in my room is unplugged at the moment. And now I am up. No nightmare…even….just woke up actually with a very erotic dream and then could not get back to sleep.

This past week has been slower for me and I really needed it….especially since I had 2 asthma attacks and a migraine that lasted about 36 hours.

I have talked to Nick a few times this week. I am really holding him at arms length. When I talk to him, I put him in “good friend” category. He is someone I still want to be with but I am not thinking about when that will be. And how it will be as I did before. Our talks are just talks of this and that…politics, teasing, my social schedule, his schedule, and so on. He’s date to enter the academy is postponed for now…long story short…the city does not have money to send him right now. So, he is working on other options right now.

I was just writing an email to someone I care about…and in it I was telling her of some things in my life. And I talked of Monseigneur E and Linda. I then remembered admitting to this person 2 years ago (probably almost to the month)…my feelings for Monseigneur E and Linda. And that was weird realizing I have basically felt this way for 2 years and pushed it aside.

I asked Monseigneur E his birthday this week…I realized in all this time I have known him that I never asked. I knew Linda’s…always remember her birthday because it is a day after Di’s. So she is a Scorpio. And found out Monseigneur E is a Libra. It surprised me. I told him it surprised me because he was not neurotic. LOL We then had an interesting conversation about that…and that being neurotic is easier then being happy basically for me.

I read each of the descriptions for Monseigneur E and Linda in this astrology birthday book I have…and it pretty much described each of them. Linda’s I felt was more on it then Monseigneur E’s.

There are a bunch of people I know going to Thunder in the Mountain’s…a BDSM event. And I am wishing I could be there to see them all. Ohio Leather Fest is the end of August and I would love to go to it but I know I will not be able to swing that. It is way more expensive this year.

Ideal…to go to an event with someone…who I am in a relationship with….some type of relationship. I just can’t picture going by myself. I can go to SMART and Carpe Diem by myself but an event weekend just does not seem fun without sharing it with someone.

I woke up this morning thinking of someone else. Why is it that I can clearly tell someone what I want…what I seek…what I need and yet then the moments of cravings, thoughts of need for humiliation…I want to throw out the rational sane person I am?

I feel very alone right now. I have been so busy that I have not felt that feeling in actually a very long time. I would say months…I don’t even remember when I felt it last. Wow that is saying a lot for me LOL

I just looked out the window…the horizon is getting that nice orangish haze…it is making the sky look…almost a muted aqua blue. Interesting colors….

Better go back to bed…so I can function tomorrow….

Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant. - Robert Louis Stevenson

Friday, July 05, 2002


A Week's worth of Dailies

I just did a week’s worth of dailies all at once….I did not do Sunday’s because one…I have forgot to update the link. And did not want to search for it…and 2 I don’t remember particularly liking last weeks LOL

So here is a week worth of dailies…

Monday Mission

1. In the United States of America, it was recently ruled that the phrase "one nation under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance is unconstitutional. Do you agree with this ruling? Should the phrase "under God" be removed? Why?

I understand why it was removed but not sure I agree with…furthermore…when does something “become” unconstitutional.

Quick history lesson if you have not heard…he Pledge of the Allegiance did not originally have “under God” in it. It was wrote in 1892 but the “under God” was added in 1954. The granddaughter of the man that wrote it said Francis Bellamy (man who wrote it) would have resented having “under God” added to it.

It still seems strange to me that it “becomes” unconstitutional all of sudden…it has been okay for 48 years and now it isn‘t?

But I do find it interesting that the “under God” part was added. Not sure how I feel about that now.

2. When was the last time you took a road trip? Where did you go and what did you do?

I took a short road trip to Columbus for a super bowl party. The last long road trip I had probably was not since going to Tennessee 2 years ago. That was the last time I drove when I have traveled long distance. I went to Sir Laz and Aydeen’s and I had a very nice time!

3. Do you have any vacations planned for this summer? Already gone? Where to and what?

I am going to Tennessee….to see Sir Laz and Aydeen. I am also maybe going to Kansas City to see Monseigneur E and Linda.

4. What is the most drastic change to your appearance that you have ever made? Are you brave enough to post a photo?

Drastic…hmmm….went from shoulder length hair to really short hair and then permed it *yucccckkkkkyyyyyy* Fortunately….there is not photo of it : )

5. Tell me about something to which you are committed?

Committed….ooohhh loaded question right now. Right now I feel I am not committed to anyone or anything. Just a phase. I am very passionate about things but right now everything is a change for me…it seems.

6. Now tell me about something you just flat-out gave up on.

I have given up on relationships….at times in my life. Lots of reasons why…but sometimes things just need to end.

7. (new saga) I've had it, this place is just wearing me out. You too? We need a break! Let's head out and go someplace new. You make the plans, I'll get things ready. So what do you have it mind, and did you want me to pick up anything special to pack for the trip?

I had someone write me recently about being in Santa Fe and how great it was and that I would love it because it is very “artsy.” That is where I want to go. I did not to pick Arizona or other places because right now getting away just with one person and just being sounds great. Doesn’t it? Just to go and relax : ) Pick up sunscreen! LOL I am fair skinned and burn very easy.

BONUS: Where is my hairbrush?

I read Monday Mission on Monday…but did not have time to answer them. And the first image that came to mind with reading that questions was Todd having me bring a hairbrush with me. And I ALWAYS would forget it. And so get in trouble. I hated that. I just was always so excited to be going to seeing him that I forgot about the hairbrush. : (

Tuesday This-or-That: July 2, 2002

1. Cats or dogs? dogs
2. Lions or tigers? lions
3. Cows or pigs? Cows of course…saying that for Ray. He will know why : ) Mooo!
4. Turtles or frogs? turtles
5. Elephants or giraffes? elephants
6. Butterflies or birds? butterflies
7. Deer or moose? moose
8. Goldfish or swordfish? Goldfish…even though liked the movie Swordfish LOL
9. Bunny rabbits or ferrets? Bunny rabbits
10. Horses or unicorns? horses

Wednesday Whimsy

What kinds of clubs did you and your friends pretend to have when you were a kid? Was there anybody not allowed in your club? Did you get denied from someone else's and start your own out of spite?

I really do not remember if we had clubs. I think we did but no distinct memories of them.

Do you belong to any interesting clubs now? If not (and even if so) are there any you wish you could get involved with?

LOL Clubs….really not clubs but organizations….all BDSM really at the moment. SMART, Carpe Diem, Ohio Fem Sub and Ohio Les BDSM (both sig groups of SMART).

Similar to last week's question about jobs, if you could start any zany kind of club that you'd like, what would it be? Anybody in particular you think should have to be a member.

I would like to have a high protocol D/s club. People I would like to see in it….yummy…Kimko, her Owner Soulhuntre, Flagg (I know he has his own site but I can’t find it in my bookmarks right now….and going to add this site right now….Pure Submission a pay site by them that looks VERY good)…..hmmm who else…..Goddess Lakshimi, Laura Antoniou…..I can think of a few more people that I would like to see in that type of club. Plus then a handful of close friends…that I know would appreciate something like it.

Describe a recent dream.
Well, the other night I was talking to Monseigneur E and he gave me a visual image with the words he typed…and I dreamed about it. *blushing* Not describing it LOL I just woke up very very wet and wanting to masturbate right away! *smiles sweetly* LOL

Thursday Threesome

Onesome. The Birds. So, when did you realize there really was a difference between boys and girls?

Hmmm I am not sure…for sure 4 years old but I bet earlier.

Twosome. The Bees. So when did you hear about the "bodily function" things that were gonna happen to you? And how long was it before you learned that the opposite sex had changes, too?

I think my mom told me about getting a menstruation when I was 10 years old. I never concerned myself with those things. It just happened and I thought everyone went through things and that everyone had the same thoughts as me and everyone was the same pretty much. Yes, I knew there were differences between boys and girls but I did not think it odd. It just was how things were.

Threesome. The Flowers and the Trees. Did you know where babies came from? What stories did you hear (and believe) - and how old were you when you really learned the truth?

I am not sure why but I never thought about those things. They just happened and I accepted it.

Friday Five

1. Where are you right now? Sitting at my computer at home doing a weeks worthy of questions from all the dailies : )

2. What have you lost recently? Lost….weight, a book, my ability to be patient

3. What was the first CD you ever purchased? Does that embarrass you now? U2...I think I bought like 3 U2 CD’s all at once….War, October, and Under a Blood Red Sky. No definitely does not embarrass me, as U2 is a favorite of mine.

4. What is your favorite kind of writing pen? Right now I have uni-ball vision exact….with purple ink. I do tend to like uni-ball

5. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Ben & Jerry’s Brownie Fudge

ps: not sure why the links are not working on these....somedays it works and other's it doesn't. :(

It is Possible

Inspiration Peak: Quotes on Courage, Faith and Inner Strength

By Ayn Rand...someone whose words...I can lose myself in.....

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.

The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.

Ayn Rand

By Marianne Williamson....she wrote Return to Love....

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that frightens us. We ask ourselves 'who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?'

Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; its in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Marianne Williamson


Spiritual Alchemy and Transformation: September-October 2000

This is from the above article.....something to think on for me....there is more to this in the article....this is just a little bit....

From Caroline Myss: We're talking about co-creating reality. We don't create reality. We don't even co-create reality. We respond to reality. And what we're recognizing is that we have the capacity to consciously respond to our lives and that choice of response has more influence than we've ever even considered before -- biological influence, physiological influence, emotional influence, physical influence -- and that every single response kicks off consequences on a million different levels. We never knew that before. So when we think about something like co-creating our reality, it's far better and more accurate to say we co-influence it. Because we do not create it. We simply respond to and we influence it.

In workshops, I say to people, "How many of you think you create your own reality?" and their hands go flying up. I say, "How many of you are happy?" Then the hands don't go up and I ask, "So, how good are you are with this creating your reality stuff?" I'll say, "I've got bad news for you. You don't create your own reality. And the sooner you realize it, the more you'll remember you have to pray."

Wednesday, July 03, 2002


Just a quickie.....more later today.....

Who's Who updated.....

Changed a few entries....including Morgan, Di, and Todd...and then added Katrina

When everything is clean-clear in your own mind, nobody can create obstacles for you. -Lama Thubten Yeshe, "The Bliss of Inner Fire"
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