Things I have been feeling lately....
I have had the need to feel bad...bad about me, bad
about being a sexual being, bad about craving the things I crave. I
don't usually feel bad for my feelings. My feelings about the brutality and need for it always feel good to me. It makes me complete. So why would I
want to make myself feel bad about something that most people have
tremendous amount of guilt about and are always so surprised I never
had?
As a child I never had guilt for being a sexual being.
I thought we all were like this...and probably why I dealt with some
of my sexual abuse so differently. It was not until basically I was an
adult that I "really" figured out that I was not normal. It is so
strange. The things done to me were not right and hurt and I was scared
and it did not seem normal, but it did not occur to me to tell. I know I
am not explaining this well. But it just seemed like....I am going to
say this and I hate to say it....I hate that I am going to say it, but I
have never said this before. Part of me feels...like it was just who I
am...that little bit of me that tells me I deserved it....and logically I
know that is people feel that is wrong. People probably would tell me that I have a
low self esteem because of the things done to me so that is why I
think that being abused is okay. I hate that people use
that....as an excuse. I believe I am this way. Why should I feel bad about that? I was born a masochist and submissive. They are qualities in me that were not learned or
taught, but there in me. Just like being homosexual or hetro...or being
talented in something...like art or doing math....those are just personality qualities making up a person. I am this way. Him, the person who abused me, I don't want to justifying what he did, but maybe he saw that
in me and used it. I know that is what Don did I know that without a
doubt. He told me so.
Really at first Don was a good Master....it was just
when he started having personal problems that.....he started being more
cruel.But again he needed me to use and abuse to get through those problems. I was there to hurt.
Mind racing in like 12 directions right now. I wish society would just accept me as is...I need brutality of abuse.
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