Friendship

We were in Target on Saturday - one of my favorite stores! And several of their employees had t-shirts on that say:

"real passion
real commitment
real difference"

And it reminded me of the couple we had lunch with just moments before.

A week before we met a like-minded couple that were thinking of moving to our town. We had coffee with them and talked for over 2 hours. It was such a pleasure to get to know them as they were so nice. And that slogan from Target made me think of them as they have a passion for the lifestyle, they have a commitment to each other and they have made a real difference in each others lives and now ours - even in just 2 meetings.

After coffee, we set up to have lunch and had lunch that lasted just as long as coffee the week before. When we confirmed lunch the night before, we were told they weren't moving here. And it was such a disappointment. I teared up.

It was really nice to share with like-minded people again. We don't really have a community here (yet*). And one of my things all along in living here has been that I don't have any like-minded friends. In Ohio, I had a lot of FANTASTIC friends! I miss them all so much. And I know I will never be able to replace them but I would love to have some like-minded friends here. So the thought of having this couple here made me very happy. I just felt us connect in those two meetings so it was sad to hear they weren't going to stay but I totally understood their reasons.

And even though they are not moving here we will keep in touch and are glad we made friends with such a great couple.

This couple has read our blogs. And although I have met others that have read our blogs, it always a little un-nerving to know that they know all these words. Not that there has been much here in the last year or so. But I know this couple has follow our blogs quite a long time as they knew quite a lot about us.

* yet - our town has had a few munches none of them we have been able to attend due to work. They aren't consistent yet either.


What else can I tell you....I always have well meaning intentions to write here. I have a lot of posts in my drafts. I just never get time to come back and finish them. But always hope. I had a few people even write me - with some questions in March hoping I would be doing March Questions. And I really wished I could have done them. I love March Question month. But I have just been so busy with work. So no promises on posting.

I need to get a recipe up on domestic servitude soon as I made the most amazing bars a few weeks ago. I am still dreaming of them.

If you don't follow Master, he has had some really good blog entries. Especially the most current one on poly. I suggest you take a look at them - pretty please!

I am 40.....and Self Conscious

If you read Master's blog you will have read that I made a comment about age appropriateness of what someone was wearing the other day.

We were in Office Depot on Sunday and as Master was checking out a lady came in. I was watching her as Master was checking out. She was wearing a dress that was about 1 or 2 inches past her bottom, fishnets and heels (more detailed description later in the post.)

Anyway, I was looking at her and kind of amazed she was wearing what she was...normally in the past I wouldn't have given her a second thought. Or maybe have thought what Master said, "is that her Sunday best?" But the age appropriate comment was way out of left field for me. But I turned 40 this year and with it has come lots of internal dialog. So on the way out Master looked at her too and I said, "that was so not age appropriate." I instantly realized what I said and then I got upset because it brought home why I said it. I am getting older and I have been going through lots of --- I won't be able to do various things because I am too old now and just won't ever have a chance to experience them again. And I am just old and so have to do what others at my age do. It wasn't that I don't think a 40 year old can dress sexy. I know I can even at 40. What made me say it is because my internal dialog has convinced me I am old so I am to be like other women of my age. So that comment wouldn't have happened a couple years ago because it would have never crossed my mind. But because of the internal dialog I have been having since turning 40 - it came up and I was instantly upset that I said it.

Now all that said - I know also even if I didn't say it I would have thought I didn't like what she was wearing. I would have thought it was great that she was trying to show off her slutty side. But because my mind has been trained/conditioned to see what is sexy per Master's desires (not completely mind you as there are something I still have trouble wrapping my mind around but in the list of things that say sexy to Master) she didn't hit the mark. And I actually did make the comment that she would have been more sexy in other things and still looked age appropriate by "normal" standards. Such as if she had been wearing a pencil skirt, a satin blouse maybe with a some cleavage showing, spiked heels - she would have looked damn hot. Instead she I think was trying to look sexy by wearing things that "people" say is sexy - mini skirt/dress, fishnets and heels. But just because it is those things doesn't mean it looks sexy. She was wearing a crushed velvet print mini dress with dark autumn leaves, fishnets and what I call conservative business heel - rounded toe, square heel - not the chunky platforms just a square heel. (Similar to these but her heel was just a little taller.) When I told Master what I thought she should have been wearing to look sexy - he of course agreed as it hit his clothing fetish.

Okay so on to the next part....I made the comment that if she wanted to be wearing that go home and give her guy a lap dance. And again maybe that was coming from inner dialog of I am 40 and old. But I think it has more to do with my views and that I would have been self-conscious in such an outfit in Office Depot. I totally get that everyone is different. I am just saying I wouldn't want to wear what she was wearing to Office Depot. To a bar, to a strip club or lifestyle event/party totally get it as it was trashy and slutty. And I have totally dressed in a similar way and have things in the closet to fit that description. But if I was wanting to be going out shopping and looking sexy - it would be something else because I am just not comfortable with it outside certain circumstances.

I am sad that I have become very self-conscious and even wearing something like it to a bar or strip club now - today - I would be a little panicked. I don't dress like I used to when in Ohio so I think have become more self-conscious because it is not normal for me anymore. And I really struggle over it because even at home with Master alone I still feel self-conscious. When I was in Ohio, I was going to lifestyle meetings, out with friends, play parties and such and dressing up was just normal for me so I was used to it. It was just part of my life. And yes I was self-conscious then too but it isn't nearly the level it is now and I just did it because well I was going out. Now dressing up just isn't something I have opportunity to do in public.

Case in point Master recently bought me a blouse. Now I love the blouse on the hanger but when I put it on I felt very exposed as my cleavage is a focal point of the blouse. I wore it out shopping one day and every place we went into -- each clerk said something about the blouse and I had stares in the store from other shoppers. It made me even more uncomfortable knowing all those eyes were on me. It was a cute fashionable blouse -- nothing inappropriate about it. But I still was very aware of the eyes on me while wearing it. Six years ago I wouldn't have thought twice about wearing it. I would have been excited to wear it. And I really don't think it has anything to do with age. It is just the view of me has changed. I am not used to dressing that way.

So although I wouldn't wear a crushed velvet mini-dress in Office Depot - I still would have problems dressing sexy in public because I have self-image issues. But initially the comment came out of my mouth because of my inner dialog about age -- which I logically can say is silly. I just haven't been able to get my logical to align with the emotions.

Loads of Kinky Fun

The other night Master did an INSIDE post on spanking and just reading it almost made me cum. I am serious...I was breathing heavy! It just brought me to that place when he spanks me. I never really liked spanking before Master. I had partners that liked to spank, but I was always wondering when it would BE OVER! And with Master I am like more more more! And really he does LONG spankings that just are so good that I can't help but want more!

I did a poll over on my livejournal about BDSM interest. It was check all that you enjoy type poll. Livejournal polls actually only allow 15 things. Almost everyone that took it liked bondage and spanking. Then the next highest with over 62% of voters liking humiliation, breath play and face slapping. I thought it was great that so many liked things that aren't always "approved" of by the general BDSM community.

The things on the poll:
bondage,spankings,humiliation, breath play,face slapping, punching and kicking, needles, watersports, rubber or latex, flogging, fisting,age play, hair pulling, cages, and hoods.

So I thought I would just write a little about each thing on the poll why I like them or don't like them or whatever.

bondage - I really enjoy rope bondage. I love the feel of it going on my body. I love the feel once it is complete. I am also a visual person so I like the way it look. It is not something Master was really into - at first. Then we went to a workshop at Thunder in the Mountains one year about bondage. And well he saw some more possibilities in play. So that evening in the dungeon he did pretty body and arm bondage in the dungeon to match the top I had on. I think he got into the whole look of it with his other fetishes. And I am very thankful he did. I have never been with anyone that likes it as much as I do. It has always been too much work for most people I have been with. But I love the sensation of the rope on my body. I like the feelings of it tightly tied on me so I can't get loose. I like the rope digging into my arms, legs, and other bits. It just feels...good to me. Strange word for it I am sure but it turns me on and make me just feel like all is right in the world.


spankings - already discussed above but just to add...I just really like Master's spankings. No one has ever given me a spanking that I really liked besides him. Most of the time I was like okay we can stop now. And didn't really get why people enjoyed it. But Master....oh yum to the spankings. I really do think it is because of the drumming background. He doesn't just spank....he does drum as silly as that sounds....it is the difference.

humiliation - I really enjoy. I find myself having some problems getting into it though for a while. I think because I am just not in the place mentally and emotionally to get into it. And I do think it really needs the right headspace or for me it can go very badly.

breath play - is probably one of my biggest turn ons. I like the sensations it creates...the tension, anticipation, skin becoming ultra sensitive, just the air going away. I like lack of control. And especially like the feelings of His control over me in those moments.

face slapping - I have always liked face slapping. I remember my vanilla husband I engaging in kinky play and he would slap me. He really had problems doing it the first time but after he saw how much I enjoyed it then he never seemed to have a problem. Master really enjoys face slapping too. I like the feeling of that skin on skin contact....his hand slapping across my face. The redness it causes, the after tingles of it. We also do some face punching and it is something we both really enjoy also. I have had a swollen lip and it made me feel good...looking at it in the mirror...even touching it. It made me feel like his property.

punching and kicking - another hawt activity that we enjoy. I have engaged in punching and kicking for a while. Back with Don and then MC (someone I played with right before getting involved with Master.) Master is really good at punching. We haven't done as much kicking. But I know it is someplace we will explore eventually. We saw a workshop at Thunder done by Fifth Angel on punching, kicking and takedowns. And I think I was moaning outloud during the whole workshop. And it certainly inspired Master and punching I think is his top 5 things to do to me. Every time we have sex....punching almost always is involved. Arms and breasts are his favorite places to punch me. It is good foreplay for me to get turned on when I am not sexually "ready."

needles - They are not something I enjoy. I don't like needles. I have seen some cool needle, staple and suture play, but I think having it done on me would make me nauseous.

watersports - We have an essay on Golden Showers on our website. It was one of those fetishes that years I go I thought I would never enjoy but I do. And it really isn't that humiliating to me more like I feel pride when Master urinates on me. I feel pride of being his. I do also drink his urine but still not very well. I have lots of urinating on myself type of fantasies but haven't explored all of those yet.

rubber or latex - I didn't check rubber and latex although I like both...I am allergic to latex. Rubber/latex are 2 of Master's fetishes. I do feel sorry for him not being able to engage in that with me. I love the look of it on others but usually don't like the look of it on me.

flogging - flogging is something I used to really enjoy but Master although he likes to flog he just doesn't do that very often. And so really for me I have a problem taking it and you would think a girl that is slapped and punched wouldn't have a problem taking a flogging but I really feel like a wuss with flogging

fisting - I have never been fisted. And ex tried once and ripped me. And then girlie tired once too but I was tense and too tight. But it is something I would like to have done someday and Master has an interest in it too - so one day it might be a reality. But I have fisted though and enjoyed it thoroughly so I probably should have checked it from that stand point. (girlie makes such delightful noises when being fisted.)

age play - I am not sure I really can explain what I do as age play but I guess it is. But I just have this little girl side that comes out. It is natural - it isn't role that now I am 4 years old and act and dress like a 4 year old. It is that I am 4. Not sure I am explaining that well. But I do like playing and being Daddy's princess and little girl!

hair pulling - I love the feel of Master's hand in my hair. Feel his control. Feel where he is usually directing me with his hand in my hair. Girlie and her Sir once put my hair as part of the bondage and I really liked that too...hog tied!

cages - yep like them too. Master built me a cage. It was hard for me at first being in it and it did get easier. But we haven't had time for it lately. And had to take it down because of company being here. The cage made me feel really truly like his captive and when I was first here and he was claiming me as His...making me His....it really helped me be in that mindset that his...property.

hoods - in Master's top 5 probably number 1 actually. It is something I didn't enjoy at first. I was actually scared of them. He really did a great job of getting me used to them and also making me DESIRE them. I do desire them now. Hoods are something I plan on writing about more in length one day. So not going to say that much right now but I do like them. It is like an escape as soon as one goes on.


Oh yummy kinks! Nice thoughts!

Brain Drought....due to exhaustion

I haven't been sleeping well. First I just can't sleep because my mind won't slow down. And next I am so cold I can't get to sleep. Even with thermals, 3 blankets and it isn't even really winter yet. I am falling asleep between 3 and 4am. And so today I am really exhausted. Brain not functioning really well.

The last 2 days I was going through some old files on my computer and found a few things I started as essays for our website. I hope to finish those up soon to post there as I haven't added anything new in a long time.

I want to ask Master if I can start posting his journal entries he has been doing lately to the website. He is doing a series basically on some of his fetishes and he is calling them INSIDE. Inside - his thoughts on gags, collars, humiliation and more to come he says.

Not much else going on with me....

We have been busy. We have had lots of running around this week and it just seems like I am not accomplishing anything at home. Then being so tired...by the time we do get home I just want to veg because I can't think of what next to do because my brain isn't functioning.

Just looked at my Netflix queue because I knew I should have something coming....and I do...it should arrive tomorrow...Colonial House! I can't wait to watch it.

Feels like a blah blah blah post...but this is just what is going on with me right now.

Master's take on High Maintenance

Okay so I just posted that post...yesterday about accepting compliments....

Right now I am crying Master has paid me a HUGE compliment for me as a his property and slave. I love you Master and thank you so much for your words.

Master's post on High Maintenance.

Whatever Happened to Everyday Life?

Someone left a comment on Master's blog that said he should write about BDSM stuff - "because that is the stuff worth writing about." When He told me about it I rolled my eyes and shook my head. Master wrote about it in his blog but I also wanted to make a few comments.

Master actually I don't think has ever wrote about BDSM things. Mastery, Dominance, everyday life and such but not graphic SM. And I am sure someone could say that about my blog as well...especially lately. We write about life....whatever comes out in the moment....everyday life - which can include M/s, SM, work, domestic things, family, friends and so on. Master has never written for anyone. He does not care if anyone even reads his blog or not. He writes for himself. And I think you can see that in how and what he writes about. Really I am the same way. I started my journal years and years ago before I met Master. For me it was a way to find myself...writing through all the emotions and chaos that was my life at the time. Putting it out on the web helped me be true to myself - because the thought of people reading - friends and strangers made me examine myself and the truth of my life. It was hard to deny life with it right there in text for anyone surfing in from the great world wide web. And over the years it really did help me - keep it real everyday. Now I am a much different person but it still helps me keep everything real - seeing my life there in text. Writing about anything and everything that life is....being a slave but also my art, my domestic responsibilities, my issues, my daily life...just life.

So my question is...why is BDSM worth writing about but not everyday life? I would like to know that. For me the bdsm stuff can stay offline...it would probably never bother me if I never wrote about anything SM ever again. Because I like that it is his and mine. Yes at times I am an exhibitionist and yes at times Master had told me to write so I do and yes sometimes a particular scene makes me giddy and I like to share it but I don't think it is the thing worth writing about. Every day little things happen that I want to remember. I would say most of us remember big things in our lives...and a lot of our sexual and SM encounters. Yes, I love SM and sex but that really isn't what makes our relationship. It is the everyday little things...that get lost....it is seeing Master enjoy something I have cooked for him, it is Master telling me a funny story that makes us both laugh, it is passing each other in the hall and getting that look...that we know the passion and love in each other. Our relationship that grows out of our daily life....all the big moments and little moments...moments of daily life....and that is what is worth writing about to me because it is our daily life that I treasure the most.

Sharing....

Post by Master on Defending the Lifestyle.

Master's Posts on Hearing....

Master wrote 2 good posts about his hearing impairment...the history with it...in his blog. I know a few of you had questions about it so these entries might help answer those questions.

Living in Silence: Part 1
Living in Silence: Part 2

Shopping....

Master wrote a cute piece in his blog about shopping.

Emotional Sadism

Master has written His thoughts to my post on emotional masochism.

I just thought some of you might be interested in it....Emotional Sadism.

News Story

Master recently stumbled upon a news story that Wisconsin is trying to get the legalization of hunting wild cats. Anyway, there is a link to a petition in his entry so urging cat lovers/pet owners to go check it out.

a journal entry....

A contemplative honest entry on Master's journal...Control in Ownership.