Friday, May 28, 2004

Heading Out...

Of course right now I could write and write and write - - but I don't have ANY time right now. We are almost ready to head out of town.

Master and I are heading over to His parents as one of Master's nieces has graduation and then another has a birthday. Then we are heading to Santa Fe for a few days. We have some free night stays to redeem. I had told Master that I have had dreams of Santa Fe. I have never been there but something about Santa Fe keep showing up in my dreams and it feels like one of those places I *need* to go. And so Master is taking me there!

Then after all that Master has some work out of town also so he will take care of that before we head back to Western Colorado.

I am looking forward to the time in Santa Fe and even more excited that I am going to share this time with Master!

I know we will have some internet access but I really am not a fan of typing at the laptop so not sure how much or even if I will update until we get back.

So I am have a wonderful time with Master!

Monday, May 24, 2004


I started this post several weeks ago but kind of forgot about it. But finally got back to it today.

A long while back Master wrote and entry titled Death or something like it. It was looking at that awful question of what-if something happened to him.

When I moved to be with him, all the money I had was handed over to Him. I did not have a bank account anymore. The debts I have are hardly anything. And my car was completely paid for. I had books, jewelry, art supplies, and some furniture but not a lot worth value except to me. All of that became Master’s. My car at the moment is in my name, but Master has been thinking of selling it - as it has sat in his driveway for a year. So there is real no need for it. Anyway, if Master decides to do that – the car will be signed over to him and the money coming from the car will be going into his bank account.

Right now my name is not on any bill, mortgage, bank account or anything else. I don’t own anything in my eyes – even though the car is in my name at this time.

I don’t handle money at all really here. If Master wants me to run in to get something, He give me money as close to it and then sends me in and as soon as I come out the change goes right to him. If I need anything –birthday gifts for family, person stuff like tampons, something for the household, absolutely anything, I have to ask for it and then he will either get it for me or not.

So that makes me completely dependent on my Master.

And I have come to the conclusion…so what.

I went into a consensual relationship. I knew it would be this way. Master is going to be doing some things to help with the what-ifs so that if something were to happen I will have something to get back on my feet.

The days of complete and total dependency went out a long time ago. But the difference I see between me and those women of the past that were dependent is choice. I had a choice. It was my choice to go into this relationship. I knew it would be this way and I more importantly I am glad it is this way. I want to be my Master’s property. And I am. It is not a relationship for everyone. But it is what I have yearned for and makes me the most at peace. And I am happy and feel finally like I am the person I have striven to be.

Just because I am dependent on Master does not mean I have lost my brain, that I can’t think, that I don’t have strength and courage.

And if something were to happen I could pick myself up and go on and probably because of the relationship I have had with Master… I am stronger. It is not an easy task at times to be enslaved and it in its own way has made me strong. Of course I would be devastated and hurt. But I would be able to survive just like anyone else losing someone. I worked before and even owned 2 business in the past. I have been very successful in the things I have done. I am not incapable of running my life just because I chose to hand my life over to my Master.


Also I have been meaning to post this link from kaylee. It is an essay on Autonomy and it is very good. If you want to read more of her essay's check out Sanctuary of Slave Musings

Sunday, May 23, 2004

PMS - Sunrise/Sunset - Pizza - Website


Well I have to be PMSing as my emotions are all over the place. I am crying at the drop of a hat. And this months PMS seems bad because I am having problems keeping my mouth shut and so much is grating on my nerves. My emotions are pouring out all over the place. I feel like I have lots of emotions pent up....and they can't be contained anymore.

So this weekend the emotions are spilling out.

Of course lack of sleep might be the cause also. I have not been sleeping well for a while now and then add in our early early early Saturday morning trip.

Sunrise and Sunset

Master and I started our day watching the sun rise and ended it by watching it set. That was very nice!

Master and I got up a little after 2:30am (after I went to bed at 1am) and headed to a waterfall about 2 hours away from us. It was so beautiful. Master wanted that early morning light for the waterfall. After spending time there we headed home and crawled into bed. Then this evening we went out to drop a card in the mail. And then headed out to watch the sun set - and Master took some more pictures. Both sunrise and sunset were beautiful. It was nice to see.


Lisa posted about pizza on her blog. It must have been a homemade pizza weekend as that is what I made on Friday also. I made crust from throwing ingredients into my bread maker. The dough was very yummy. It rolled out so nice. Master really enjoyed the the pizza. I think the only thing I did not like is that it was not rolled out very evenly because I did not have a rolling pin and was using a jar But next time will be different as Master bought me a rolling pin on our weekly grocery trip.

Lisa asks about dream pizza....what would you have on your dream pizza. I am not sure I really do enjoy pizza. I guess I would like light tomato sauce, spices like basil and garlic. I would put lots of red bell pepper strips. A combo of white cheeses like mozzarella (fresh would even be better), romano, and parmesan. And then maybe add some sausage.

But I also like...Pizza Marguerite which is just some olive oil light spread over the crust, basil, mozzarella cheese, thinly sliced Roma tomatoes

pesto sauce, then topped with some sun-dried tomatoes and shrimp and mozzarella cheese. I had also thought some kind of other cheese like feta or even edam that have a more distinct taste might be good too.

a little light white sauce like alfredo, some chicken, and red bell pepper strips. I am sure spinach would be good on it but I don't like cooked spinach. I like it leafy in a salad but not cooked.

Here are a few Pizza Websites....
Pizza Recipes
Ultimate Pizza
Epicurious - Pizza

Our website

When I started getting things together to put on it, I pulled out everything that was on my old website. It contained many writings that were done in the late 90's. And I debated weather or not to put them up at all. It was hard for me to put the older stuff on the site. I would read them over and it did not even sound like me now. I have changed and grown over the years. My thoughts and beliefs have changed. Some of the stuff I wrote about then, I don't even believe in now. Such as in one of the stories I write about the Gift of Submission. Ugggh that makes me want to throw up just reading that I wrote about that. Gag! I don't believe submission is a gift. And I thought that it was once upon a time. So glad I got over that! Anyway, my point is I decided to post all of it - even if I did not agree with it now. The reason....well it is a part of my experiences. It is a part of me. And the website is to just kind of show who Master and I are....if anyone sees another view or gets something from it great. If not, at least they will have gotten to know us a little bit. And see how we have grown and changed.

Thursday, May 20, 2004

Trust in M/s relationships

A few lists I am on have talked about trust in M/s relationships lately.....

So here are some my thoughts...

I don't think that trust is deeper or more complete in an M/s relationship vs.......... D/s vs Vanilla vs Top/bottom vs any other dynamic. I think trust is what you make it. If you go in wanting to trust and get to know the other person then I think the trust level will grow no matter if you are in an M/s or vanilla. I have heard we have to open ourselves up more in an M/s then other relationships - again I disagree. We open up if we are willing. I know M/s couples who don't trust each other and have very shallow interactions with each other. And I know vanilla couples who have inspired me. They have had a bond that was deeper then some M/s relationships I have witnessed.

So to me trust in a relationship is what the couple makes it. It can be deep and complete or shallow and fragmented no matter what the dynamic.

Next line of thinking...

I don't think you need trust to be enslaved.

My example is from my own life - when I started my relationship with Don, I did not trust him. And I thought it was just going to be a one night stand - nothing more to the relationship then that. But it ended up being more and ended with me being enslaved by him. I did not trust him through the whole relationship. I look back in fondness at the beginning of our relationship, but I still had did not trust him even though I was compelled to serve him.

Now that being said....I am glad that I have trust in my current relationship with Master. I think trust comes with time. If you are going to be build a long term relationship, it is a process and part of that process is seeing who the person is and getting to know them. That knowledge is better then trust.

I also feel until you are able to trust yourself you won't be able to trust another. And also....once you trust allow yourself to open up and get to know the other person.

I can look back in past relationships and see that I wanted so much to trust that I did not even look to see what the person was like...I just jumped into trusting without ever knowing. I wanted to be owned and I kept hearing you need to trust your Master. So I trusted before I got to know the person. And did not even find out if we were compatible.

With Master I saw who he was - I saw all the little things that happen in the world - I saw how he treats others, I saw his views on the world and people around him, I saw his ethics, I got to know his dislikes and likes. I got to know how we would mesh in our beliefs. And those things are what showed me we were compatible it had nothing to do with trust.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Buzzy Blue Buddy Obit

Okay yesterday I posted about my vibrator kicking the bucket and so tonight Master jokingly put together an here it is....

It's with heavy heart and conscience that we mourn the passing of danae's beloved buzzy blue buddy.. Services were held in a private location attended by only close family members.. buddy was only 8 months old and is survived by his siblings: Eggy, the remote controlled buzzy buddy, pinkie - the bigger, somewhat uninspired sister to buddy and a long line of other extended insertables..

Although the continued outpouring of concern and support warms the family, they do request that no donations be made at this time.. Some have said that buddy was a-head of his time, others that held onto buddy would say he was a special attachment, who had a special function, for a special place, and became extra special to danae's ....

We'd like to thank all of you for your continued support during this incredible trying time.. May the blessings of other buddies out there - get fresh batteries, and a clean anti-bacterial sheet from other careful and considerate owners...

"We love you buzzy blue buddy!!"

Thank you,
Michael and danae

The Market Place Series

They are such good books. You know when an author weaves together such details that make you wish it were you know that type of book? Well I think Laura Antoniou does just that. She makes me wish that it was real.

I read a couple of the Gor books, but I just could not get into them like I could with Laura’s books – they were kind of flat for me. I have read quotes and excerpts, that I like but the books did not grab my attention like Laura's books. I also read the Anne Rice Beauty Series. And they were enjoyable entertainment. They were masturbational fodder for sure! They are an erotic fairy tale - where Laura’s books make you want them to be real.

As I posted over at Grumbler’s Chris Parker is oh so yummy in both the Dominant role and the submissive. But of course mostly I think about him in a Dominant role. (Which makes me want to read The Slave again.)

Laura is going to be at Thunder this summer and I look forward to hearing her speak again. I had the pleasure of meeting her when I lived in Cleveland. SMART booked her to speak. And a friend and I went to pick her up at the airport, got to have dinner with her before meeting…..Oh and she used my purple pen to sign all the books that night. Everyone joked that I put it in a shrine. I did not put it in a shrine, but I do have to say it has hardly ever been used since then.

I was thinking of her books because of a post on another blog. Now I need to read The Slave again.

Monday, May 17, 2004

Just some odds-n-ends

Weekend - Our weekend was pretty slow. We just hung out here mostly, which was nice since the weekend before we were in Denver. Next weekend I know we will be getting up really early to so Master can take some early morning pictures at a waterfall. That will be cool!

Angel - Angel ends this week. I am not looking forward to it ending. I was just starting to get back into it - since Buffy is not on anymore. I think I am in denial that it is ending. I have not thought about it much until today...when I was looking over our schedule.

Tonight I was watching Conversations with Dead People from Buffy season 7 (pvr'd from fx). Anyway, Master asks who Buffy is fighting. And I was like I don't know. And then I looked and saw it was Knox from Angel Season 5. I have seen Conversations with Dead People several times since Angel Season 5 started and never noticed that was Knox. I do watch other shows and notice people from Angel and Buffy. Like you can see Jasmine (Gina Torres) in The Matrix Reloaded. Amy Acker is in Catch Me if You Can. (Master noticed that yesterday.) And Julie Benz starred in I think a Hallmark movie recently though I did not see it....I kept seeing commercials for it. I saw someone else recently but it is escaping me at the moment.

Baking - I think it is going to be a baking week. I am going to make Cinnamon Brownies for Master's work. And then I made Wheat Bread today but I know we will go through that probably in the next day or two so I will be making another loaf of bread. Plus on Friday I want to make homemade pizza so I need to do the dough for that. And then I also want to try to make some spice cookies as I want to bring them the next time we go to Master's parents. I am going to bring them a loaf of Focaccia when we go the next time too.

Lithium Picnic - Oh yum. I know I have put this link up before but really I just can't get enough of his photography. I think his photos are scrumptious. They make me want to have an orgasm!

Hair - Master had told me I can have purple hair. But really I want purple streaks. But He is thinking of just having me change the color in general. I suggested a color I once had which is more burgundy. So I guess we will see. I will probably need to color my hair again before we head over to Denver the next time.

My Vibrator - Well my vibrator kicked the bucket. I was masturbating last night and it just stopped. It had new batteries and everything so that was not it. Master looked at it this morning. He tried to fix it, but alas he could not revive it. I could not bare to throw it out so it is sitting on the nightstand so I guess I have not called time of death on it yet.

So a few words for my buzzy blue buddy. It was a really good vibrator - which was not all that expensive. I loved how it could go from very light buzz to fast and furious buzz....oh yum yum oh so good. I just wish it would have lasted longer - I did not even have it a year. And other vibrators in my past have been used more frequently then this one and lasted longer. I loved that this one was really umm powerful and only required 2 AA batteries. Really I have never had a vibrator like it that was so yummy as my buzzy blue buddy. I had 7 wonderful orgasms from it on Saturday. Oh how I am going to miss it!

Saturday, May 15, 2004

Quotes & Our New Website!

There are moments when, what ever the position of the body, the soul is on its knees. - Victor Hugo

As ego goes down, power and influence over the behavior of others goes up. - Verbal Judo Institute Maxim (

Well if you have not figured it out - with the new look to the blogger also came a new website. Master and I registered the domain a while back and it took me a while to get the website up and going, but we officially got it off the ground a few weeks ago.

So if you have not taken a look at it yet, please do!

within Reality

Some points of interest....

Master's brillant 404 page!
Also check out why we chose within Reality as our domain name.

Why I am I this way?

I might be able to understand why I am being introduced to my own body now, as a woman in my 30s. I might be able to understand why I married the perfect man with the perfect family with the idyllic past, vanilla and safe. I might be able to understand why I am drawn to the same horrible instruments of my past, but managed to sexualize their content and their usage. I might able to understand my own anguish and face the demons I should be facing. ~ by Poiesia

I read this in Poiesia journal. And it struck a cord in myself.

I remember that I was very sexual, but never understanding of my own body until I started exploring BDSM again. I remember being married to Mr. Nice Guy who was had a "Leave it to Beaver" family. He was safe. I came to him after Don. I needed to get way from the horrible feelings I was left with when Don released me - but did not see that then.

I was reading some of my archives yesterday morning. There were entries that talked about my time with Don. "Stories of Old" are what I call them. I still get turned on and disgusted by them at the same time. (stories of old - 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5)

All those things used to bother me - the whys & hows. Why did it take so long to understand my body even though I was so sexual? Why did I marry Mr. Nice Guy? Why did I play it safe with him? Why couldn't I get him to understand me? How can the things Don did to me excite and disgust me at the same time? How can I want to experience them again? How can I get off on things he did to me?

I remember a time where I tried to understand all those things. I remember agonizing over them. I remember being so confused and frustrated because I couldn't explain all of them. Of course some of them were answered over the years. But some are still out there hanging. I searched for answers to the whys and hows, but just could not find answers to some.

And then one day as it often happens with me - all this internalizing - disappeared. It did not really disappear, but I do so much internalizing I somehow work it out without ever even verbalizing it.

And so one day I did not -need- to understand. I just accepted this is who I am and I am happy being this way.

Parts of me wish that I could have skipped over that part of wondering why. But I think we all go through it and all find our own way to see what we need to see weather we find answers or just learn to accept this is "who I am."

Check out Poiesa's whole journal entry from 4 - 27 - 2004 in her archives.

Friday, May 14, 2004

A Down Day

I have been trying to bring together some thoughts on dependency. And losing myself. I don’t feel that I am either of those things but it was brought up not to long ago and I want to address it. So I am going to mull it over a little more.

I have been really down today. And I did not like feeling that way. Master has tried to help me out of it. He even brought me 2 dozen roses home. It was a very nice surprise! He also got a bottle of our favorite wine. It was very thoughtful of Him.

He and I discussed why I am feeling down today. It is because of a conversation with Him last night. Master told me He had been masturbating. Now He can do whatever He wants. But it hurt my feelings that He did not use me. And some feelings I had been feeling – like He was not sexually attracted had been bouncing quietly in the back of my mind – so when I heard that He had been masturbating – of course I immediately “validated” those thoughts hanging around back there. Which of course was not it at all true. Master told me why He has not used me. And I understand His reasons and accept them. He had not used me in the morning when He masturbates because I have been not sleeping well at all and He wants me to be able to sleep in since early morning is when I am just starting my restful sleep. I appreciate His thoughtfulness and hear the words He is telling me, but of course in the back of my mind – I just could not let it go today and so was down – feeling unattractive.

And I know I should not feel this way. I know that Master is attracted to me. I just am not feeling it. And I am trying to tell myself – I don’t need to – because Master said it. And that is the bottom line. He said it – so He means it and that is all I should need to hear to get over this. But somehow my brain and feelings are not meshing nicely.

I know I need to get over it and I will.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

New Blogger Interface, Attention & Serving

New Blogger Interface

I think I like the new interface. I like that you can have a title line, a link line, and you can have comments now too. That might be nice haloscan is not always reliable although it is free so can't complain much there. I am really thinking of using bloggers commenting.

Attention & Serving

This is not thought out....just a ramble....

I have come to realize in this year of living with Master that it is not about attention. I want attention. Most people want attention. But what I think really has come for me is that I am not craving or needing the attention like I used to. It is about serving Master. We don't have as much sex or S&M in our relationship as I had always felt I wanted. Those things to me were positive attention. And I want them still, but I don't crave them or miss them like I thought I would. I am not getting down because I am not getting that kind of attention. I don't know when it changed really. I just know now pleasing and serving Master is my life and I do it without really even having to think about it anymore. I know there are areas to improve but each day we live our life I grow into the directions I need to be to serve and please Master.

Maybe I don't crave or miss the other kinds of attention I wanted because I have a more complete relationship then I have in the past. I am with someone that I have such trust and faith in that I don't worry about things that He does not put before me? I don't know....

I just know that I don't get all bent out of shape that I am not getting I have in previous relationships. And that I am happy in making Master's life better and easier with my serving Him as His slave.

Monday, May 10, 2004

Back Again

I am really out of it today and so this will just be a quick blog....I am not sure why but after spending the weekend in Denver I always come home and it is like a crash of sorts. I feel very emotional and tired. I just wanted to crawl up in bed and cry all day. We had a nice time in Denver so it is not like anything is so horrible that I react to it. I just feel drained.

As I said we had a nice time in Denver. It was nice to see Master's family. I have always worried about His parents not liking me, but Master told me His Dad said that they really like me. So that is good.

I am reading Paulo Coelho's book The Pilgrimage - here is a quote that I found interesting...."Try to find pleasure in the speed that you're not used to. Changing the way you do rountine things allows a new person to grow inside of you. But when all is said and done, you're the one who must decide how you handle it."

This weekend while we are gone Master and I came upon my year anniversary of moving here. That quote to me really sums up my moving here. When I was in Ohio things were always moving, chaotic, fast and when I moved here....everything slowed down and that pace has really helped me grow. Master made me slow down. He wanted me to find the peace in my life with Him here in Colorado. And I is kind of odd for me lately I have been reading my journal archives to kind of index them. And it feels like a lifetime ago on some of the things I had written. And other things I don't even make sense to me now. I am sure they meant something then but they don't now.

Thursday, May 06, 2004

All Sorts of Odds-n-Ends

Buffy - Into the Woods

I watched Into the Woods again yesterday. It is a Buffy Episode in season 4. The last lines by Xander.....always get me. I cry EVERY TIME I watch it. To see the last line.

Simon Templer - The Saint

When I was in junior high, I would stay up late because they played the B&W episodes on TV really late. I had a big crush on Simon Templer. They are now playing the color version on BBC. Master thinks they are cheesy and they probably are but I guess I just think of them with fond memories. To me Simon was a strong capable man. Anyway, they are playing on BBC again so I am reliving some fond memories of watching them late at night.

Going Out of Town

We are going out of town today and won't be back until Sunday. It is highly doubtful that I will be online while out of town. So no journal updates and if you write me know it won't be until Sunday or Monday before I reply. I seem to have caught the flu though and not doing too good. I hope that I get over it quickly. Or I might not be going.

Sex Industry

"Morality: It's legal to sleep with 10 men in one day for free. It's legal to pay somebody to have sex in a movie. It's legal to have sex with a wealthy man who showers you with gifts. It's legal to marry somebody for money. But in most parts of America, it's a crime to offer somebody sex for money, or to offer money for sex. Does this make sense?" That is from Working Girls.

And I certainly can relate to it on several levels. It does seem silly that I could go out and fuck 10 men but as soon as I ask for money it would be illegal. I would be a slut to sleep with the 10 guys but people would forget about it and get over it. But being a paid - will always label you as a whore and that is "wrong and bad or that you must have low self esteem. There are so many misconceptions on the sex industry. And I heard them all. The people I know from that industry though are far from the stereotypes. I mean some of the stereo types are true but there are so many that are not true. Well I would love to write about the sex industry more. But I probably should keep my words on that subject to a minimum.

Here are some very good blogs on the sex industry (by the way I will probably put some blogs in this category that people will not think are part of the sex industry, but I do). I have been hooked on these for a while.....
Working Girls
My Secret Life as a Prostitute
Belle De Jour
Pussy Ranch
Mistresse Matisse

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Art Part 2

Because it will be easier....I am going to follow up on my art entry here instead of in the comment section...

Thank you everyone that made a comment on it. I knew if I started rambling in the comment section I would go over 1000-word limit.

In grade school I drew all the time. My Mom would praise my art, but never I would say encourage it. In high school I was not allowed to take art classes even in my electives because art was a waste of time. I would hear my father tell me art would not make me any money. During my senior year in high school I needed some classes. I had taken all required and many not required and needed to fill up some space and so my parents finally allowed me to take art. I took 2 classes of art each semester. I had 2 teachers but 3 of the classes were taught by one teacher. She basically was the FIRST person I came into contact that encouraged me to study art. My Mom worked at the school and ironically right across from the art department. My art teacher went over and told my Mom that I should study art but my parents felt I should go be a secretary. When I insisted on going to college I was "encouraged" to be a teacher - meaning they were paying for college so I would take what they wanted me too. I took art classes. I felt if I had to be a teacher at least I would be an art teacher.

It was really hard to write that art entry the other night. I wrote the entry after a conversation Master and I had about His talent, but it was hard for me to write because that class where the professor apologized was my last art class. My ex husband proposed to me the summer after that class. We decided I would need to work full time while he finished college so that I could save for our wedding and to have extra money in the bank because our first year of marriage he would still be in college for a semester. So I had to quit school to work full time and never got my degree in art - yes by that year I was an art major as I started paying for my own school and thus my parents did not have a say in my education. So it was hard to write knowing I gave it up....

I work on my art here and there. I work on it more since being with Master. I probably have worked on it more in the last year then I had in the 5 previous years before moving in with Master. I am happy Master does not hold me back and also encourages me to work on it. I would love to take an art class again. I have priced them here and they are so outrageous. It is kind of ironic, but I found one about 3 months before I moved here - in Cleveland. And it was $15 a session...just had to sign up for the class. There was no commitment...or registration. It was just through a community center. They had a model come and the money went to the model. That would be great if I could find something like that here.

I have started an art journal, but lately I had been putting so much work into our website and some paid graphic work that I had not done anything in it. I hope to pick it up again soon. I might bring it with us this weekend (we are going to Denver) and sketch while Master teaches His class.

One thing that inspired me to get started again was I am not a member but their ideas spawned inspiration for me. And then Lauren also encouraged (more like pushed but that is a good thing) me to start an art journal. It seemed at that time when I found nervousness that there were many messages in my life all pointing me to start drawing again. I am glad I did start again and I want to keep moving forward on that path.

There is a place on our website for my art, but I am not sure when it will be put up. Because that will be a very big day for me as it is really hard to show my art...that rejection thing you know.

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

Did erotica help or deter me from my end goal?

When I started with Don, of course I did not know there was a name for what we were doing and that others were doing what we did. When Don released me, I came to be with my now ex-husband. He is not dominant really, but at times he was controlling of me. I was submissive to him during much of our marriage. But to me it was just how I was and what I was…I again did not know people "wanted" to be submissive. Or sought it out as a "lifestyle."

One night online I was searching for information on anal sex actually. I was trying to convince my husband to try it on me and he was nervous about how it could hurt me. So I decided to research it so I could show him others positive experiences. I thought it would put his mind at ease so he would try it on me. Okay back on track - during that search I stumbled on to an AOL bulletin board about D/s. And I was reading where submissives were explaining how it felt to be submissive and please and serve their Dominant. I could not stop reading. I thought many things that were said sounded like me in all the relationships I had ever had. I wanted to learn more about D/s. So I started reading all sorts of stories and websites. I found a list of books and ordered one at Barnes and Noble since they did not carry it. It was Different Loving (where Lisa and Frank, Bambi and one other that I am forgetting the name of at the moment really made a strong impression on me.)

Side Note: I talked openly about these desires and the research I was doing with my husband. And eventually we tried it - but he felt guilty for hurting me. He felt guilty for controlling me and having "final" say. He felt marriage and relationships should be equal. I tried to point out in our marriage that we had never been equal and that he always had final say…we were just formalizing it more. He did not get that.

I also read fiction. I found lots of BDSM oriented erotica. I read the Anne Rice Beauty Trilogy and had many fantasies related to the book. I masturbated to them. I remember begging my husband for sex after reading those books and other BDSM erotica that I found. To me it was much the same with when I was high school and even up to my marriage I would read those bodice ripping romance novels. The ones where the leading lady was kidnapped and treated roughly by the leading man. Sometimes a handsome prince saved her, but sometimes the leading lady fell in love with her captor. I would masturbate to those thoughts.

I read these fiction and non-fictional books and websites on BDSM. I had fantasies that came out of both fiction and non-fiction. I learned some things that have stayed with me since that beginning journey, but A LOT of what I read went by the way side. Some was just fantasy. But even in the fantasies things can be taken and used in real life.

During that time of exploring I had written many of my fantasies out. As time went on and I was more and more involved in living my lifestyle in real life I stopped. I did not want fantasies - I wanted life. I wanted to live life. I wanted to be a slave and serve someone day in and day out. (Even though it was hard for me to admit at times.)

I think some of the things online did deter me from really seeking out what I wanted. They confused me. I was told that certain things I wanted were wrong. I was told real M/s relationships were not possible. That slaves are illegal so I could never be a slave. I was told I was too opinionated to be a slave. I was told that slaves don't think. I was told that I would not be able to voice my thoughts. I was told that I was worthless and deserved to be treated like that. I was told my submission was a gift and I needed to find a Dominant to treasure the gift. I was told that only BDSM existed in the bedroom.

I wonder if I had not read everything on the websites, chatted with others, read fiction and non-fiction if I would have ever been brave enough to go after my dream even if everyone was telling me things that made it seem like I would never be a slave. Would I have found a M/s relationship another way? How? I wonder. I guess part of me feels that at that time in my life - that was the only way to find my way to where I am now. I had to listen to things that were not true for me, I had to read things I really thought I might like and ended not liking, I really needed to masturbate to the erotica to build those desires in me to go after what I needed - to be a slave - to serve and please a Master….My Master.

So all those erotic stories and fantasies I wrote out some came true but other may never come true. But they were entertaining. They did get me thinking. They did get me searching and exploring. They did get me to think beyond the box. They did get me to think beyond the things I was told and read. And now I am living my life with Master within reality and doing things I read about in stories. My life is not an Anne Rice novel, but it is my version of a fairy tale because I am happy. So now when I read fiction or erotica it is for entertainment and gets this girl's cunt all wet for her real life Master.

Monday, May 03, 2004

Art Classes in College

I am an artist. When I was in college my major changed several times, but always I had art classes. Most of the art classes I took were set up similarly. We sketched for about a week and then we had to bring in those sketches plus a sampling of other work. I don't remember the words said but always it was a form of rejection of my talent and out right brutally "honest" opinions that I did not have it as an artist.

One semester I took, another nude figure drawing class - as those were my favorite because I love drawing the form...curves, softness, roughness so much to a body. I took this class however because I knew it was going to be a little different as the teacher was an artist from NYC. I had seen his work and was impressed. The university I went to owned a building downtown that they converted. It was one of those old brick buildings that had a lot of character and had probably been a textile mill or something of that nature. The first floor of the building was a gallery, second had about 5 or 6 studio classrooms and then the top 2 levels were studio apartments for visiting artists. They could live and use the studios to work and show work with the condition of teaching an art class.

So this professor had been there before and I had heard great things about him. So I signed up for the class right away. The start of his class was not different then any other. But this one still really stands out over all the others that told me I did not have talent. He was polite but basically said it was a hobby for me. And basically told me I probably would never sell anything (proved him wrong several times over by now). Anyway he was no different ....we went in giving a weeks or so worth of drawings and other drawings and works from our portfolio. I brought them in and he told me the same as all the rest.

I had heard it over and over again but never gave up. I don't know why. I just knew there was something there I needed to do I guess. At the end of the semester for that class we had to do the same thing we bring in works from the class and anything outside of class we felt was significant. I arrived and he had long tables set up where I laid out each drawing. He got to the third drawing out of like fifty drawings. He looked ahead a little and then looked back at the 2 before and then again at the 3rd. He said, "I'm sorry." I said, "pardon?" I was so scared I did something wrong and he was going to fail me - as this was like a final for art. And he looked up at me and said, "I'm sorry....I should have spent more time with you."

See what the art teachers I came in contact with did use that first viewing at the beginning of the semester to pick out the the students they think have talent and work and push them more one on one. The others just get skipped over or glances with passing one or 2 word comments. That is what he did to me all semester.

He explained to me that he saw my talent. And where he should have been pushing me more. We talked about each piece. He wrote down lots of stuff for me to remember and learn from. He had me explain what I felt and thought. We had a wonderful conversation. He wrote up a letter to give to my next professor. He told what pieces to put in my next portfolio for my next class. And sat and talked to me about my art in a positive way.

All those that came before him said things horrible - things that could have stopped me from taking art....from making art. But I had to not let it affect me and keep going. Because if I heard them. I mean heard them in my heart and soul - it would have slowed me down and I might never have had Professor Walters there to tell me I had talent.

It is also strange because I had others tell me I had talent friends and such, but I never took it seriously...and now I look back and maybe they were the ones that helped me to keep going forward so that I did not hear - take to heart what others said.

Saturday, May 01, 2004

Just a quickie to say that Master and I had a wonderful day!

He took the day off and we did a day trip. It was so gorgeous - though we did encounter every type of weather. We had a sunny warm spring day, sprinkles, rain, and snow! Yes, I said snow! That is Colorado mountains for you! It was very odd going from walking around in my light gauzy skirt, shirt and sandals to wrapping up in my winter coat.

We had a nice drive, a nice lunch surrounded by mountains and hearing the babbling brook nearby.

On the last leg of the trip Master played with my tits in the car. He punched, slapped, squeezed and twisted and then moved to slapping my face. It turned me on of course. And it made me in want to be in a position where I could give Him a blow job - but it was not possible at that time.

So we had a wonderful day of beauty all around us in the scenery. We had some kink thrown in. And we had much needed quality time. I love Master so much....sometimes it scares me to feel it welling up when I look at this wonderful man who owns me. I am very lucky!
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...