Monday, October 17, 2011

Show Your Ta-Ta's Some Love

It is October and with it comes Breast Cancer Awareness.  I had my first mammogram shortly after my 40th birthday. The mammogram for me is not too bad and I often wonder if that is because of my masochist leanings. I mean it can get uncomfortable but not painful yet the techs apologize and explain that it will hurt before it happens.  I have heard horror stories about mammograms but all my techs have been so nice and very thoughtful with what they are doing to you. They know it is an invasion and that it is uncomfortable so try to do everything they can to minimize the experience.  If you aren't having that kind of experience when you get a mammogram, talk to your doctor about it and find other options but don't just skip a mammogram because of staff being rude or it hurts too much...which I have heard some women do.  

I have unfortunately always had flat breasts so I feel like they are trying to make me into a pancake.  The machine is basically two flat blocks of plexiglass looking material. You stand next to it and then lay one breast between them and it then compresses down on it like a vice grip.  I have really sensitive skin so I get abrasive marks from the rubbing of the blocks on my skin so I just lotion them when I get home and that helps. It is just a lot of pressure and as I said it uncomfortable but I wouldn't call it really painful.  It is done to each breast and then here the tech takes a look over the images quickly to make sure things are clear and then if they are - I am sent on my way.  

My very first test they noticed some calcium deposits so I was called back in 3 months later and then after that every 6 months for 2 years.   

From the Mayo Clinic about calcium deposits: "They appear as white spots or flecks on a mammogram and are usually so small that you can't feel them. Breast calcifications can be seen on mammograms performed in most women and are especially prevalent after menopause. Although breast calcifications are usually noncancerous (benign), certain patterns of calcifications — such as tight clusters with irregular shapes — may indicate breast cancer."

Although I haven't went through menopause yet  -  I had calcifications flecked here and there in my breast tissue but there was one cluster - small cluster not too close together but close enough that they wanted to keep an eye on it.  They didn't consider them to be suspicious enough to do a biopsy but just to keep monitoring it. So basically my first 2 years of mammograms were done every 6 months.  And I am very happy to say they didn't change shape or grow tighter together so they just feel it is how with that breast.  

It was scary of course - not knowing. Each time they came back with lets do another 6 month check up I was thankful they wanted to keep such a close eye on it but also worried that it was another 6 month check up.  They of course continue to monitor my calcium deposits but now it is done yearly and if anything were to look different I know I would be in there again more frequently but I am thankful that things look good/the same.  

I will continue to get my yearly mammogram.  I do think it is important to do self-tests too and to go to the doctor right away if anything feels different. 

I am going to share this website because I feel it is important and beautiful:  The Scar Project.  They say "Breast Cancer isn't a Pink Ribbon" and although I get what they mean I also believe in raising awareness and pink ribbons have done the job. 

So many great websites have been doing all they can to raise awareness and money for breast cancer research.  Eden Fantasys is one of those websites - they just did a contest and they also have all of their Evolved toys 25% off and are donating part of the profits to Breast Cancer Research. 

EdenFantasys supports Breast cancer Awareness - Show your Ta-Tas Some Love

Tuesday, October 04, 2011


I started this post back in June when I did a post titled "I'm Coming Out."  Over on lj and through emails - I had a few questions so thought I would do a blog post answering those questions somewhat. Or maybe better phrased that...I hope the blog post answers the questions as I am not posting their questions but just writing.

I have always has some social anxiety but since being isolated here in Master's household - it is now worse. It has become harder and harder for me to be around people.

My therapist and I have been working on it but it is one of those things that I am like do I really even want to be working on this?  There is parts of me that loves the life of isolation Master built for me. But then there are the other parts of me that remember all the groups, parties, outings, and such I did when I lived in Cleveland and even when I was married.  Even though I had anxieties then I pushed through them easier because I am social. I do like being social once I move past the anxieties.

So there is that rub of what to do.....Master isn't completely thrilled with the development of my anxiety but he also likes the isolation he keeps me in.  I feel the same - I feel the isolation really holds me in a place that I can't feel otherwise. It gives me a different feel of being property. I guess for me because I have such little freedom with isolation it creates him being the center of my world very easily. BUT on the other hand I really miss having friends and doing things like I did in Cleveland even though most of that isn't possible here in a small town.  As I am not out to people here. We just started developing a "community" but we haven't been able to actively participate in it much because of me being sick this summer. Even so I am not sure I will find the type of person I can be completely myself with and not have to hide because often Master and my lifestyle even freak those who are under the same umbrella but practice differently.

My therapist is pushing me to meet people.  I don't know how to do that anymore. Making friends how does one do that?  Where do you even start?   Really I don't even know how to make friends online anymore where that used to be easy too.  Because my time is Master's - I am not a consistent friend and that can bother people. Also because Master controls everything - I could stop contact and someone might not know why.   I don't get the freedom to decide when, where, who and how friendships will go because ultimately I am not in control of my life.  

I am lucky I have a few friends that do understand why I don't keep in consistent contact and  are really good about it.  I have had people that didn't understand though and were upset when I disappeared and it was hard to reconnect after that.  They want to understand and accept but at the same time it pushes their insecurity buttons and confuses them. I don't blame them...I am sure I would feel the same way in their position. But often I don't ever change my feelings towards the time changes. 

I also take the thought of what this isolation is doing to me long term and what-if he wasn't here anymore. Master is younger then I but I still think about what if.....what-if he died and I was alone.  I don't know anyone here. I suppose I would move to be with family but I really don't want to do that as I have always lived far from my family for a reason.  But I think about what would I do...after being like this....for so many years.  Not being able to make friends and be in the world because my world centered around Him. 

So I worry about all this and even get annoyed at Master wishing that I could go and do things like I used to but at the same time I would be sad if this went away.  My number one thing I masturbate to is even more isolation then I have already. So I do want this it is just hard to find the balance and I am not sure there is a balance that goes with this type of relationship.  

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