Monday, April 30, 2001

Just read this.....

"I want to fight you, scream at you, feel you push me harder than I ever knew, and strip away everything without mercy until I am begging just to feel you surround me, giving everything up to surrender to you. I want it rough, aggressive and furious, and to be able to fight it with every ounce of strength within me, until I finally feel the serenity come. And then, once the walls have been torn down, to reveal to you what I am, deep down inside in my core, and that I would not have the courage to do otherwise, hiding behind my shield."

It is from this site...not sure how I got to this site but I did...and so far what I have read I like but keep in mind they are talking about Gor. :)

Right now everything I think of - dream of - of the struggle and fight. I go through those periods where it is like that just not sure why....


Sunday, April 29, 2001


I woke up from a little nap very....well....turned on. I was having a dream and humilation was involved. Things I have never done. What I do not understand is why at times I crave so much to be controlled and at other times I do not. I wonder why sometimes I want to hear the words "no you cannot have an orgasm." I mean I am a sexual person. I like sex and want it lol So why would I want orgasm controlled and even denied?

My Daddy has done the build up the best. Where he builds the pleasure up and then says no. And then maybe brings it down just a little bit and then does it again and again. He has me done this to me for days....without letting me release. Where I am so turned on that we can be in the grocery store and I feel how my cunt is throbbing and that I would love to beg to cum right in the middle of Tops. lol I remember a time where he kept it going for 30 days. I was turned on over and over and over again without release. And then he let me.....that release almost flooded his bedroom lol

That made me think of something else. There is time I have liked that feeling of not even sure what it is or how to describe it but...that I want to fail. That I am pushed to that edge and told do not go over and told no and no but all the right buttons are being pushed that there is no way that I cannot go over....set up to fail. Another one of those things that I do not understand why I would want to be set up to fail.

Almost I guess like showing me how little control I have...almost like how little I am in the hands that do that to me.

Guess I need to break the vibrators out again

Especially since Honey had to go out of town my last week here. :(


Thursday, April 26, 2001

From an article I read on Spankin the Monkey blogger.

Don’t Pathologize Life
From Finding Joy, Charlotte Davis Kasl, PH.D.

"The spiritual journey is not about getting rid of lifes difficulties, its about dancing with them. Life is not a sickness to overcome.

It’s the nature of life that birthing, growing, loving, losing, learning, leaving, discovering, creating, and being reborn stir up emotions."

I liked it...

peace & serenity,

Wednesday, April 25, 2001

I was working on my personal website yesterday. That is not published anywhere yet...but always worked on when I am in that creative mood. Yesterday, I changing layout on some pages and came across a post from my Daddy that he sent me 2 years ago today....

It is very beautiful....wrote 4/25/99

Love EVOLve.

Love is a growing thing. It starts out as a small seed that grows and reaches for the sun and is nurtured by the elements. It grows in proportion to the care and attention paid to it. Left alone it will wither and die.

It is a changing things that paces us in our life. Providing heat and passion at times and a cool comfort at others. It surrounds us and binds us and can creat wonders and enable us to find the very best with in ourselves and to find those things with in others.

It is not always what we would expect. Nor comes to us in expected ways.

But for the love and EVOLving that you have brought to my life I am forever gratefull, and I love you with all of my being.

I love you my danae.
Thank You Daddy for loving me........

I love you very much Daddy and miss you. I cannot wait to get home to you and snuggle and kiss you.


Tuesday, April 24, 2001

Today was a mixture of good and not so good, but the positives are what count. :)

L contacted me today (after showing up at the door yesterday to go out sight seeing to find me in tears) to see how I was doing today and if Ii wanted to go do something. I jumped at the chance. I felt good (despite the cold I have that I am having problems shaking) and just wanted to go have fun. And I did. We went to Heidleberg. And toured a castle and shopped. I bought several people some things from a little shop that was owned and operated by an artist. He did all sorts of stone and wood cravings and pottery. I got Di, Mistress DM, my sisters, and Jackie all things from the place. I really was thinking of having L bring me back next week and get something I should have got today for my parents and then something I wanted lol

She and I had a really good talk about what has been happening with me the last few days and then also things about Honey and what is going on with her. She had lots of insightful things to say and I encouraged her to share them with Honey.

After being gone most of the day, I got back and opened my email and found an interesting email. Nothing to bad really. Honey was scared I was going to really be upset but was nothing I really did not know already. It is always interesting to read a person and know them so well that you know things before they admit it to themselves. But denial is how I live at times too so I know how it goes LOL

Well my Daddy just signed on aim and I am going to go have fun with him. :)


Monday, April 23, 2001

reading tonight came across this.....

The whole article is pretty good but this part stood out to me tonight.

"There are obligations i must fulfill in order to function as a healthy woman/mother. I must take care of my body and my health. I must keep my mind active and strive to learn and expand it in as many ways as possible. I need to be strong with those who wear me down. It's an obligation to Master, that i give it my best shot at controlling these day to day things...for my own benefit. There is no one else in this world who can do these things for me...the ultimate responsibility lies on my shoulders. We've all heard the same stories about submissives who seek Masters to fix the problems in their world. Sometimes the relinquishment of responsibility can be confused with surrendering control. Big mistake in my mind. In order to be the very best i can be for Him, i must first and foremost, be the very best i can be for me." ~ vidette{CL} - Surrender Control

To me now that I have strove to make my life happy and be in control of my life. The submission I have gave feels different then it used to. And I also do not want the same things I did because it is almost like I am a new person.

We have to be in control of our lives to really understand what we want and need. And if you are not then you should back off and find it first, to me. I am not saying I know exactly where I want to go with my life and what I want to do but I do know what is right and wrong without hesitation now. It is strange....things feel right and wrong for *me*
Well in Germany I have been here to support Honey and be here for her and not done much touristy things, which has been fine, we have talked about me coming this summer and traveling with her when she is on vacation and angel boy is in the states with his Dad. That would be a lot of fun and something I know at this moment that I will be doing.

It seems though lots of things have happened to me while here that just make me wonder where my life is going at the moment though. There have been lots of hurts. I would say every relationship I am in has been strained and hard and sometimes very painful at some point in the last 2 months. I have not blogged about any of the events as I just felt it better to keep them on paper instead of online for the world to see. But mostly I did this for others and not for me. When I stop doing what is good for me is when things start going down hill. I have given and expected things back but it is a give and take of a relationship. But I never expect back what I do not deserve. Sound arrogant? I do not think it is arrogance. I think it is knowing myself and knowing what is best for me.

I have been very emotional while here basically because Honey and I are throwing each other's cycles off lol and so I feel like I am continuously PMSing to top off all the fun relationship things. This is going to be my last week here with Honey too and so it is going to be a hard week.

There are a few relationships that are in my life right now where fallen for the bad boy....I think it can be done the other way about around too. That the guy can fall for the bad girl. They get lied to, hurt over and over and over again by these people and keep staying or going back. But the person that is honestly there for them and cares and is loyal they turn away from. I wonder why that is?

Honey just called. She asked me to go to lunch but I am really not up to it. I was suppose to go out sight seeing today with this really great woman, a friend of Honey's. But I canceled on her too. This friend is really great plus she knows how to use a flogger more naturally then I have seen in a long time. She had only flogged 3 times too. It was amazing.

That night was really interesting night....

We dressed up and went downtown. We had some interesting things happen in the restaurant. And then we went to Honey's friend. She flogged Honey first. It was really cool to see and then she flogged me.

It was really nice - felt great. And then at the end she did something I had never had done before. I mean yes I have had my hair pulled but how she did it was different. It was really hard and intense. She would pull from the roots hard for a few moments and let go and then do it again. She used both hands in my hair and would do it over and over. I came just from that lol It was cool :)

Going from one thing to the next....mind racing. Nothing I did not expect right now though.

peace & serenity,

Sunday, April 22, 2001



hurting a lot....

but I will survive...I always do....

so to those of you who are sad tonight...know you are not alone.

peace & serenity,

Thursday, April 19, 2001

The Importance of Clicking

From this weeks LeatherView...

A man who is exploring his submissive side wrote: He took “me to a place that I hadn’t been before. With him, he led me and I touched that emotional / spiritual place that I had been seeking... That experience is one of those life events I will treasure as do most with a spiritual happening. Prior to playing with him, and doing 'slap and tickle' SM, I had not even had an experience of medium intensity. He didn’t know that. There were no limits discussed because for whatever reason I knew I didn’t need them with him... I believe the trust between us was the catapult for the experience.”


Tuesday, April 17, 2001

part of a dream

It was our first day in Colorado. I had always wanted to show her one of my favorite places and we got the chance and took it. We had lots of fun...walking the little town and looking in all the shops. I bought her a necklace. It was carved stone interlocking vines. It was us. She did not get a chance to see that I had bought it as she was looking at other things.

We went walking through the shops and came across this little restaurant very romantic. It was right next to the river and had soft lighting and sitting on the balcony that overlooked the river and mountains.

We ordered dinner and talked and laughed. I looked into her eyes and I saw so much of what I wanted with her. And hoped that it would always be like it is in this moment. I slipped my hand into the bag with the necklace, pulled the box out that had bow around it...and slide it across the table to her.

She looked at me and then to the box. She smiled and said coyly, "for me?"

I smiled and nodded and the said "open it up..."

She tugged on the bow and the ribbon fell to the table. She pulled the lid back and peeked inside. I saw her eyes flicker up to me. I saw tears. She gulped them back though. She hates to cry even good tears.

"You..." she started a sentence and I stopped her.

"I wanted too...”

I picked it up out of the box and stood up, went over and slipped the necklace around her head letting it fall to gently dangle around her neck. She picked up the pendent. Her fingers went over it and over it like she trying to engrain the pattern into her so that it was a part of her. But I knew it was from the moment I saw it…it was a part of us.

I leaned over right there in front of everyone and kissed her deeply. I whispered close to her ear so that she could feel the words move through her....."I love you."

Just a snippet of a dream I had....there is more to it that I hope to write up…


Thursday, April 05, 2001

Intimacy = Sensitive

Yes this subject again lol

I think when I am intimate with someone it breaks down a wall that makes me more sensitve for a while then other times. And I really do not like it. LOL

When I am intimate I expose a part of myself that is usually hidden. Those walls come down and a person can touch area they are not even aware are there. So when I cry or go up and down they do not understand it because they are not even aware they are looking at something new.

They just think the person they have been getting to know this whole time is the same person as they were the day before - before the intimacy came into play.

Anway..I guess I do not like it because I feel so moody and like I am on a rollercoaster with my emotions. But yet again it is much different then it would have been 6 months ago. The highs and lows would have been more extreme.

So intimacy with me opens me up to be more sensitive because I am exposing parts of myself even if I do not say see look I am allowing that person who I am intimate with a chance glimpse at secrets places in my soul. :)


Wednesday, April 04, 2001

Laylah Martelli Archive

I was reading this archive of emails from a slave. She was known around the world for the freshness and pureness in her words and love of life. This is from the archives - "Zen mind, beginner's mind"... "if you are not like unto these children, you shall not enter the Kingdom of Heavens"... that Kingdom was were she dwelled, and by her magic made me dwell, too, throughout these many, wonderful years. "This world, exactly as it is, IS the Pure Earth" -- all it takes is the right children's eyes to perceive it. Laylah had them -- the right eyes. Or rather, perhaps, the right heart. "One only sees well with one's heart -- what is essential is invisible to the eyes". Her and her husband/Master played on the edge a lot. Anyway I read the some of the archives last night and I cried. Not sure why I cried but the next question out of my mouth to Daddy was do you think i know what I want? and he said no.

I was just reading it again this morning. I am trying not to cry. Why am I crying? What does she make me feel?

Here is the link to the archives.....
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