Sunday, September 28, 2008

It hurt....

The other day Master and I were engaging in some kinky fun. It started off as our usual kinky sex but quickly moved to some heavier SM. And it was just one of those days I couldn't get my mind there. I hate when it happens but it does happen. I started to cry. It was sobs where I was gasping for air (had the gas mask on). He moved from pretty intense/rough punching to the delrin cane. And oddly enough I started to calm down somewhat. But of course my brain just wouldn't shut up and I lost it again. And then started to beat up on myself for not being able to get in the right mindset. I would calm down and then lose it and calm down and lose it over and over.

Although I didn't have much fun, Master did. And then after of course I totally erotized the fact that I didn't enjoy it. That he just kept going. I know He could have gone longer but I couldn't breath with all the tears and snot in the gasmask -- yes lovely image but the truth. So I have been turned on by the thought of him keep on beating me even though I was so not there.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Two Knotty Boys Videos

Luna posted this link via her twitter about the Two Knotty Boys offering their videos free. They were pulled from YouTube.

So yes I am a downloading fool right now!

Edit: Adding this link there is a petition to Youtube to get the Two Knotty Boys videos back.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Feeling Sad...

So last nights post ended up affecting me all day today. I don't talk about her hardly at all even to Master. I mean Master knows what went on with her but I don't ever talk about her since those first initial conversations about her. Not even on anniversaries. I think of her almost daily but I don't talk about her as it just hurts too much even all these years later. I am thankful for the good memories...I just wish I could not feel everything so much sometimes because it brings good and sad memories.

Turning off comments because...well I just was writing to get it out and hopefully not feel it so much tomorrow.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

My First....Morgan

There is a thread on FetLife about first sexual experience with a woman - posted in a group for women. I don't belong to the group but have seen many friends replying to it and it got me thinking about my first sexual experience with a woman...

When I was young, I did not get that it wasn't accepted to be with or attracted to the opposite sex . I just thought it was not talked about like sex wasn't talked about. But I remember clearly being attracted to both men and women at a very young age. I just never said it out loud. As I got older approaching my teens, I still don't think I knew it was not accepted, but I tended to have crushes on males. When I entered high school, I then had crushes on girls and boys but never really named what I was feeling for girls as a crush. The first time I acted on feelings with a girl was at a slumber party. It was because of truth or dare - I know she sensed I had a crush on her and dared me to go into the next bedroom with her and do what she told me. (We just kissed nothing more.) I had not told anyone about my desires for women up to that point because by high school I realized it was not accepted to be attracted to both males and females.

My first relationship and sexual experience with a woman were when I was a freshman in college. I met a beautiful girl the first day of orientation by running into her. I was juggling books - looking for the piece of paper that told me where to go next and I literally ran into her...a beautiful girl with long wavy red hair, pale skin with freckles and green eyes. She was one of those people that walks in a room and the whole room stops talking and looks -- she was that beautiful.

I, of course, wanted to sink into the crack of the sidewalk and melt away because I was totally embarrassed. But she was so nice. She made me feel at ease telling me not to worry about it as she remembered what it was like trying navigate the campus for the first time. She introduced herself....Morgan. We stood there and talked for a bit and before we parted she insisted on trading info so that she could check in on me make sure I was finding everything. She was a year older and there on campus that week helping out with freshman orientation.

That night feeling overwhelmed and really wondering if made the right decision about being there when the phone rang.  She called and insisted I meet her for coffee. It became a regular thing....she and I met up between classes, after dinner and so on. I thought it was so nice of her to be spending time with me and making me feel welcome and at ease with the big college experience.

One day we while studying in the student union she asked if I would go to dinner with her that night. She said that we could get all girly and sexy. Her Mom had sent her money to go have a nice dinner instead of campus food. I told Morgan she should be asking a cute boy to dinner but she said she wanted me to go with me...a very cute and sexy girl. Again I just thought she was just being nice to me.

At dinner I asked her why she didn't want to invite a guy....she said she liked spending time with me. I asked if she was interested in someone. She told me she was and I can still see the gleam in her eyes. But I was not getting -it- and went on to ask her who she liked. She looked right into my eyes and said, "you." I know I blushed a million shades red. I know I probably did that thing where I pointed to myself and looked around like she might mean someone else near us. Yes I am a dork.

She told me she liked me from that first day we bumped into each other and that she had been thinking about kissing me. She went on to describe kissing me in detail. Again I was a million shades of red. I started out being flattered, then the mixed feelings set in of "I shouldn't like her...she is a girl." She saw it set in. After dinner we went to her place and talked about some of those feelings I went through during dinner.  She made me feel completely comfortable and I relaxed so much that she made the move to kiss me.  We made out for a long time. It was hot...body tingling, breathless, heart beating fast - hot.

We started to date and it was amazing. I should say I was still involved with my boyfriend from high school (he was a senior in high school when I was a freshman in college) and is the same guy that ends up being my ex-husband. He never knew about her but she knew about him. It was a sore spot and area of long frequent discussions.

But on to the first time we had sex....It was hot also with her pushing me up against a stall of a bathroom in a club. We were kissing and touching as we danced.  It felt electric - such energy flowing between us that it needed to go somewhere - else.  She lead me to the bathroom - into a stall and pushed me against the wall of the stall and pushed my shirt up and then pulling my tits above my bra.  She teased, kissed and squeezed my breasts.  She unzipped my jeans and worked her fingers into me. She told me to beg her to "let me orgasm." The place was a club - grimy but it just made it even that much better. I begged and she brought me close many times but would always stop. Finally she stopped and told me I only got an orgasm at home where I would undress for her. I had been being shy to this point not wanting her to "see" me. So she worked me up so much that  she of course got what she wanted. Because she brought that slut side out - I wanted to do anything she asked and was willing to spread my legs or whatever she wanted me to do because I was so turned on. We went home and I undressed for her....more like striped for her. She told me what to do when I started letting the shy side start to creep up she just seemed to know what to say and do to bring my slut side back quickly. We ended up kind of sex where the sheets somehow end up not on the bed.

Sex with her was always amazing and brought me to tears a few times too because it scared me it felt so right. The whole relationship was like that...that is why I was crying -- it just wasn't the sex. It was just that I would feel these intense feelings and during sex I often exposed that vulnerable side and would react to the feelings then.

Here is what I wrote about her for my whose who page...
She was a great, intense, deep love of my life. She and I were involved when I was 18/19. I met her when I went away to college. We connected on this level that I have never really experienced quite the same since. Her and I clicked together like perfect pieces of a puzzle. Time was lost in her....because we were in our own world. If I would have just let go and not cared about what others would have been so incredibly easy with her. Because with her things were quiet and still because all my heart, soul and mind were full of her. She was spontaneous and exciting. She acted from her heart more then from her mind....just like me. And even though we had pain, tears and regret....I love her because it was right. I could write a book just on her. She died while I was involved with her -- when I was 19. And I will always love her.

Monday, September 08, 2008

Maintaining Friendships...Revisited

In 2005, I wrote a post that as a slave it is very hard to maintain friendships. And nothing has changed -- it is still hard. Only 3 years later -- I think it is even harder for me.

A while back I mentioned to someone that I like FetLife because it is giving me some interaction through "chatting" with others of like mind. Well I used the word chat but I really didn't mean it in the usual way -- I meant that private messaging each other on Fetlife has been much like it is on LJ and commenting for me -- a conversation without having to sit down and be focused on a chat program for 30 minutes or however long a person wants to chat. When I check mail, I might see another message and answer and then go back to doing chores or work yet it is giving me some interaction that I wouldn't get otherwise.

But even though I enjoy those interactions on FetLife and LJ, I still have trouble maintaining friendships. Last night I had a list of things I wanted to post to on FetLife, comments I wanted to reply on LJ, blogs I wanted to read and reply to, personal emails to finish that I have had sitting in draft for a week -- and yet I just don't have the brain power/energy. By the time I do things around the house and do business related work -- I just don't have what is needed to give anything the proper attention. I don't want to reply to someone when I am half aware of what I am doing and I feel more and more lately that is what I am doing because it is all I have left to give.

The last 6 months of Master's business has had increased work for me as it is utilizing my skills. And I am here to serve Master and that this skill is helping us pay bills and is becoming a successful part of the business so I am happy I can help. But everything in my life has taken a back seat -- keeping in touch with my family and friends, my art, the house, keeping up with other domestic things such as making menus and keeping up with the grocery list -- nothing is like it was before. And I don't see that changing anytime soon.

There is a handful of friends that have similar type of Ownership/slave type relationship so they accept it and understand or even are in the same situation. And we are thankful for that for the times we can hook up but don't anticipate it being very often. And then there are some friends - even those in the lifestyle - that don't quite understand and I have hurt their feelings by not being around or they feel I don't want to be friends with them. But it isn't that at all. And I am deeply sorry that I upset friends or hurt their feelings. But on the other hand I am a slave and my duties to Master always come first. And I have lost friends because of it. But am thankful for those that do stick it out with me as I am thankful for your friendship.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Movie Night with the Parents

I have been pretty busy so lack of posting. I have about 4 posts started but just not finished because I haven't had the time or brain power when I do have the time. Master's parents were here for Labor Day so was busy being hostess.

Last night we decided to watch a movie. Oh it was the WRONG movie to be watching with Master's parents. Oh my! The first 2 minutes of it were pretty umm graphic and I had to wonder if we were watching X-rated movie. It is of 3 people (2 girls and 1 guy) kind of playing in the water. One girl is topless and the other had a bikini. It shows some grabbing and groping in the water. It then moves inside to a bed. And you see a man come to the window to take pictures...what is going on in the bed is reflecting off the window. It is OBVIOUS that one girl is going down on the other girl. I mean very obvious. Right after that scene is done and moving to the next....Master's Dad pipes up and said "well this is starting off slow."

The first 30 minutes involve a strip club so pasties and panties seemed to be the theme there. Then a brothel where all the girls were naked....well they were wearing garter belts and stockings. And in the brothel a man goes off with 2 women and it is a SM scene (man in cuffs, collar with a woman that looks like a dominatrix). Oh then a man and woman at a dinner party go off and have sex where she gets all the way naked except for wearing her high heels and the man is full dressed just unzipping his pants and bends her over a table. They don't show much of what goes on after she is bent over the table but again more naked women. The movie was the Bank Job by the way for those wanting to see it. It wasn't a great wasn't a horrible movie but it was a movie if we had known what it was like we would have said no to watching it with parents. Master's parents didn't seem embarrassed by it. Master's Mom even fell asleep during it -- although it was during the second half when there weren't as many tit shots or even sex. I joked with Master that after you have seen 13 sets of tits that 14th just puts you to sleep.

So just a tip for all of you out there...don't watch The Bank Job with your parents.
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