Thursday, December 23, 2010


This is will be a list of life...

* Master hand wrote me a love letter last weekend. I feel very blessed to be owned by such an amazing man. We really get the mushy romantic times and the fun sick SM too. It is having our caking and eating it too! yay us!

* I have been having a rough Christmas season. My Christmas spirit has been lost. But I know that is normal after such a hard year of loss.

* But finally last night I started to get into it. Excited. I went through the motions for weeks - doing baking, making just a few things, getting the house decorated but it wasn't until baking one final batch of cookies that I started singing with the holiday music and smelling the aroma of warm cookies baking that I started to feel excited about the holidays.

* Master and I are going to go look at lights tonight - one of our favorite holiday traditions. We grab starbucks and then drive around looking at lights. We got a little preview the other night that was good but also funny. There were 2 houses with lots of lights and the the house before it only had a few lights in the window but as we were going past it I noticed the lights were shaped into an arrow and a word above the arrow. I couldn't make the word out. You know those optical illusion posters - I never see it. And that is how I felt trying to figure out the word so I pointed it out to Master. He figured it out - it had an arrow pointing to the 2 festive houses with the word DITTO above it.

* Someone left a comment yesterday and then deleted their comment. They linked me to a thread about me. It was the usual things I have heard before and won't give it anymore time then I just did by reading the thread. But I would love to chat with the person that left me the comment. Please feel free to email me at

* Not sure if you have noticed yet but I have reposted a few older posts. I am basically reposting some of my favorites. And I am going to continue to do that through 2011.

* It is one of my good friends from Ohio's birthday today so sending her birthday love! I love you Moni and hope you have a beautiful day celebrating YOU!

Wishing you and yours holidays filled with joy and love!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Favorite Client

A repost of 5/25/09 post:
So I watched a movie this afternoon while doing other things and it made me think of one of my favorite clients.

For those of you that don't know...I was an escort. Yes, it was sex. And yes I enjoyed it.

There was a whole community - just like the BDSM community - there was a sex industry community. We had forums, parties, socializing and such. There was a man that kind of rallied the community. And he did interviews and a "date" with the escorts and then after he would basically write up a review along with the interview and post it to the escort forums. When he would do this the girl would get a lot of good advertising. Well this man did one of me with a little bit of a BDSM twist. I was out about my BDSM interests but it was also known I didn't really engage in it unless I got to know the person really well. And even then I really was selective. I did some rough sex type of things and light spanking but that was about it.

So after the interview I got quite a few gentlemen that would see me several times and then mention the BDSM and their interest in it. Some from the bottom and others from the top. I had one gentleman that talked about the interview in his initial email to me...and that was usual as they usually were to shy to bring it up. He had a reference for me and he gave me all of his info that I required and so I checked him out and set a date.

Our first date he showed up at my hotel room with a couple of diet cokes and said he wanted to talk first. Again not something that was really a usual thing. So we sat down and he proceeded to tell me he wanted something specific and that if I could provide it he would be seeing me very regularly.

He was an older man...almost 70. He wasn't from the states although he had lived here a very long time but still had his accent. Oh so nice...shiver! He told me that he hadn't really been able to find the type of date he wanted from anyone. Basically he didn't want to talk. He said his wife, his girlfriends over the years and the escorts he hired all wanted to talk before, during and after and he just wanted to come in get down to business and have fun without talking and all the emotional things women do. He said he liked noise or talking dirty during sex but he didn't want to talk before or after. He also liked it a bit rougher. I felt very comfortable with him. And after a little more conversation about what he wanted I told him that I felt I could provide him with what he needed. And then we had some fun before he left.

After that all other dates went to no talking. And so this was a typical date with him...

I would be dressed in something slutty sexy....often thigh highs, heels, and some type of lingerie. Occasionally he would ask that I greet him in just thigh highs and heels or a special type of outfit/costume (such as a school girl). He would show up and I would open the door and not say hello or anything. I just open the door and let him come in. He would take care of business - pay. Ad then he would undress and put a condom on - all without saying anything to me. After he was done he would come to me, grab me and kiss me...usually while pull off lingerie (at least panties or bottoms). And then it was straight to sex....often a blow job to start. He would push me to my knees and then move to sex - vaginal or anal. He was often rough he would dig his fingers into my breasts and ass. And at times do some spanking. He would talk dirty too. After he had an orgasm, he would lay there for a few minutes, then get up, clean up, get dressed and then say good bye. And that was it. I always got follow up emails from him telling me that I did great and he had a great time. And I am glad he did that as it would probably make me wonder if he had not had a good time. And that submissive part in me does like to please!

So for some randomness about him...

* Wow, wow, wow, he knew what to do sexually. I usually orgasmed with him multiple times during our appointment. Not only with sex (which is a very rare occasion) but with just the little bit of spanking and digging his fingers into me. He combined it in just the right way to send me over always.
* He was the first older man I was with that liked to role play Daddy/little girl. He liked it when I dressed as a school girl. He would say I was a naughty girl while we were having sex and I always knew that was my only time to talk. I never thought with someone just random - no emotional connection - I would be able to get off on doing that type of thing but I was able too. Plus again he was older then me and all of my Daddy/little girl experiences had been with men only slightly older or slightly younger then me so this felt umm much hotter in a way for me. And I never expected that because of my past.
* He was the first uncut guy I had been with and also the largest man I had been with. He was a short man - he was maybe an inch or two shorter then I. He would get undressed, have wrinkly skin from age and then expose this big smooth uncut cock all hard and ready to go. And it just always amazed me to look at him...this little man that looked like a sweet innocent Grandpa and here just moments after he undressed he would be fucking me and making me moan with pleasure.
* He turned me he looked - naked even more of a turn on, how we didn't talk except during sex, how he fucked me, how he spanked and dug his fingers into was all very hot for me and I always looked forward to our appointments.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Out of Touch

I know I have a ton of emails to reply to but I just can't get to them all right now. Please know I will - as soon as I can. I just didn't want anyone to think I am purposely ignoring them. I am just very busy - as it is that time of year.

Sunday, November 28, 2010


Repost from July 26, 2003

Well, I am officially pmsing...I cried more today then I have in the last month lol

Master just made a comment last week that I was not crying as much....I cry really easy and lately I have not cried much..unless I was crying from pain He was inflicting on me - those tears He always welcomes.

The day had a rough start. And I think I am still processing some of it. But over all weekends with Master I always love. I like having ALL day with Him. And we had a good day of use and abuse. I feel like a well used slut.

Among the many highlights of my day with Master...He came on my face today, then used my hair to wipe up access - then after that He spit in on my face. Then of course we had our ritual shower where I drank some of His piss.

Another highlight of today....that is at times a controversial some circles.

I have a bruise on my face plus a split lip. The bruise is much littler then the one I had with M. But this one is actually more noticeable. My split lip though is only noticeable at this point when my mouth is open. The things we do...always amaze me how well I take them when coming from Master. I do admit though when we were first together every time He raised His hand near my face I flinched. Now I really don't seem to do that anymore. Usually though we are playing and so I think I expect it. But even then I used to flinch. I don't now though. He slaps me lots so --- it something that I can pretty much guess will happen when we play. He enjoys slapping me and I enjoy it too. It does seem to put me in a very docile and even more demure headspace.

I like looking at all the marks on my body...I have them on my breasts and arms and now my face.

I got a little worried for a moment as Master and I are going to a wedding tomorrow morning. A co-worker's wedding, so several of His co-workers will be there and see me. Master told me not to worry about it. So, I am not going too.

Tonight as dinner time was coming about - I was tooooooo fuzzy to make dinner so Master took me out for dinner to a place we went in February - where He and I discussed me moving to be with Him full-time. It is so odd that He mentioned that tonight in the restaurant because I had just been thinking of that day early in the morning.

I am very glad Master asked me to come here...I am home. I love Master so much....I always amazed the feelings that go through me each moment of the day with Him.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

10 Years of Blogging

I have had my blog open all day rereading old entries. I remember clearly the night I set the blog up. I was living in Cleveland at the time. The main computer was in my Sir's bedroom. He was sleeping so I just had the light of the monitor shining. But I had been reading several blogs that evening. And I thought why not. I thought about how putting it all out there would keep me true to myself. And I admit it - it was a hope for some validation....that I wasn't the only one out there feeling the things I felt, thinking the thoughts I did and just struggling with where to be going in this life.

My life wasn't in a place I liked. My primary relationship was tearing me apart. The only thing I was enjoying was my work as an escort. My life was in a place of transition. So what was the perfect way to figure things out? Writing was the answer for me. And so I started this blog 10 years ago.

It has been a quite a journey - struggles, being neurotic, many different relationships, searching for someone who could enslave me, sharing things I shouldn't have, sharing in anger, joy, sadness and every emotion under the sun. I have exposed myself through my words and some pictures too.

I am glad I have kept it around this long. I hope to continue to blog for a very long time. I am thankful that I have met many people face to face as well as online because of this blog. I am thankful for everyone that reads, sends emails, comments and such. Thank you for sticking with me all this time!

And I am going to end with my traditional piece from The Velveteen Rabbit:
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you..."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.

"When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt...It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Giveaway: $45 from CSN Stores

Domestic Servitude blog is doing a giveaway for a $45 gift certificate that can be used at any of the CSN stores.

You can enter up to 4 times with each of the 4 options!

The drawing ends Nov. 1st

Good Luck!

Monday, October 04, 2010


I had someone tell me that I shouldn't have posted a certain photo because it is dangerous.

I post photos that turn me on, interest me, set my fantasies on fire (pun intended - look at photo), shock me, disturb me.....basically anything that catches my eye might end up on my tumblr. I think many things I post could be considered dangerous. I think many things I do are dangerous. But I think we are all adults so we can use our common sense on what to do or not to do.

I don't want to be the person that says what you are doing is wrong or dangerous. We all know the risks of playing. We all have to find our own lines. Also just because I fantasize about it or think something is hot doesn't mean I do it.

The photo in question turns me on. It hits buttons that say this is dangerous. And danger creates fear that turns me on. Some things that are dangerous and scare me - I do and others I don't. But even if I never have that thing done - it still turns me on. And so I post it. I won't stop posting what catches my eye.

Friday, September 03, 2010

Control of Emotions

From an old Daily OM:

"As we analyze what lies at the root of our emotions, we can regain control over our moods and live each day in a more conscious, participatory fashion. The intensity of our feelings can be paralyzing, and their impact upon our choices and preferences astounding. Their power lies in their mysteriousness, however. Thus, when we seek to uncover the origin of our emotions, we strip them of their ability to interfere with our actions and reactions. The greater our understanding of ourselves, the more control we have over how we address challenging or unexpected circumstances. We can then look to reality for guidance and to our emotions for release. As you search your soul for answers today, you come to understand that you control your feelings."

I try to not let my emotions interfere with my service as Master's slave. It is hard. Sometimes I can do it and many times I can't. I am a very emotional person. I am lead by emotions so often the emotions control how(not if or when just how) I do whatever Master has told me to do. And yes I don't always like to do what he wants or says. I always do what Master says but I don't always do it with...well grace. So I really this Daily Om is something I should read often so that maybe I can understand how to control my emotions - because again as I have said often - really when it comes down to it I want to serve Master so the emotion is a reaction to the moment but not really what I want at my core. So if I could control the emotions to match what I want - that would be great.

Is it possible? Has anyone been able to do this?

Wednesday, September 01, 2010


Warning this is just a rambling of thoughts after taking a survey. They aren't really linked together. They are just thoughts I had while taking it.

I was filling out a survey that Hanne Blank is asking people to fill out for a seconf volume of her book Big Big Love: A Sourcebook on Sex for People of Size and Those Who Love Them. I read the first one AGES ago and used it but then lent it to a friend and you know the story - gone never to be seen again. Anyway the questions were not only for those that are big but those who have had big sexual partners.

The survey just brought up lots of random thoughts....and sharing a few of them....

* I once had an escort client be with me just because he had never been with a fat girl. After he was with me he said he didn't want to be with a fat girl again. He said to my face which I was thankful for because I knew he wouldn't trash me on the online forums - and ruin my reputation. He said the usual platitudes of "You have a pretty face - too bad you are fat." But he also liked that I did anal though and it is hard to find escorts that do anal - so eventually I heard from him again wanting to do anal. He booked me several more times just because I did anal. He eventually said that he liked I was fat as he didn't feel he needed to be gentle with me - he didn't feel I would break with rough sex. But he also added he would still never date a fat girl.

* I also once had a friend with benefits that only dated skinny women - mostly strippers. Yet we had great sex and we just had a lot of fun hanging out together but we weren't ever more then that - friends with benefits. I knew he would never be seen together dating because I was big. But I still enjoyed his company and the sex so I saw him. I had a girlfriend (girl who was not just a friend but someone I dated) - at the time that knew about him and asked me once why he and I didn't date as we talked on the phone a lot, we had sex and seemed to have great chemistry and I told her that he only dated thin girls and she was horrified that I had sex with someone like that.

He really liked strippers - just like some men like blondes and some women are attracted to only tall men. It is just preferences to me. My preferences tend to be geared towards personality things.

Oh and the same girlfriend ironically couldn't believe that I had dated people who weren't big. I have had girlfriends who wore size 0 jeans. I have had bigger partners and every other size in between. Size just isn't really an issue for me.

* I know often bigger people get upset when others say they aren't attracted to big people. And I understand - it hurts feelings. I have also seen some get upset about that yet do the same time and say they are only attracted to thin persons. I don't get that.

* I like fat/size acceptance but I don't like it when it becomes unbalanced. Such as often you will hear that a real woman has curves. I know many women who I consider beautiful and sexy and they don't have curves. A woman isn't just a woman because she has curves. I often don't join groups that are just for big people because of that. I want groups to be all inclusive to me.

* I have had dominant partners that have called me fat often - as humiliation. And it hurt emotionally but it turned me on.

* I was in a relationship with a dominant once where I was attracted to his dominance and thus that made him attractive to me. I really have to respond to someone's personality - just an aspect or overall personality to be attracted to them. So size really isn't an issue to me.

(I wrote this before I left on vacation but didn't get it posted - so posting now)

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

To There and Back Again

I left at the end of July to visit my family. And arrived back home almost 3 weeks later and then we had to out of town for work right away. And rush back for work here at home too. So I was feelings as though I am not sure which way is up but finally this week feels a little bit more stable.

I went home as I had several family functions to attend. One was finally being able to get some closure for my Uncle's death. Still grieving of course but Master said he has noticed that I seem to be better then I was before I left. I see some of that but I almost feel like when is the other shoe going to drop.

This year has been really hard. And so there haven't been many blog posts. And I feel a little bad about that - only because the end of next month I will celebrate 10 years of writing this blog. Which send my brain into a WTF moment as really? Really I have written for 10 years in a public forum like this? For someone as shy as myself - it really does boggle my mind. Anyway - because I haven't had many blog posts this past year...I think about not blogging anymore (except on Domestic Servitude). But really truthfully I just don't think I can give it up. I like writing....purging feelings and thoughts here helps me be true to myself and gives me sometimes a perspective I don't get when it is rattling around in my head. this moment still blogging - just hasn't been a lot this year and understandably so with all the stress I have had this year.

So I will just take the blogging thing as it comes to me...

While home, I got to see the Eat Pray Love movie which is one of my favorite books. It was a girls night out and it was very nice. Dinner, drinks and the movie. I really enjoyed the movie. I am one of these people that can take the movie for a movie that stands alone without the book. And vice versa a book doesn't need to match the movie. So I went in with an open mind but knew that they would never be able to capture the intensity of the book. And so knew I wanted to enjoy the movie just for itself. And I did!

Three of the people I went with hadn't read the book and two of them didn't like it as much as the rest of us that had read the book. One person was confused on like how Liz decided to do the trip in the first place and the transitions from each place - she didn't like either. The other didn't like it because she felt it was too spiritual and considers all things spiritual new agey so for her the movie was new agey. Myself and the other person that read the book - really liked the movie.

If you are wanting to see it and want it to be exactly like the book - don't see it. It will probably disappoint you. If you understand that they can't capture the intensity of the emotions book due to some of it is just not possible to do for the screen but also because of length of the movie would have been too long - then go see it. I think Julia Roberts was really good person to play Liz Gilbert. And I think they captures many wonderful moments of the book. Many of my favorites parts or quotes got in the movie.

Such as this one...this quote is from the section on Italy - Chapter 25 (Bead 25) page 75. Liz is talking about all the changes the Augusteum has went through. But I like what the message of the quote....

"It is merely this world that is chaotic, bringing changes to us all that nobody could have anticipated. The Augusteum warns me not get attached to any obsolete ideas about who I am, what I represent, whom I belong to, or what function I may once have intended to serve. Yesterday I might have been a glorious monument to somebody, true enough -- but tomorrow I could be a fireworks depository. Even in the Eternal City, says the silent Augusteum, one must always prepared for riotous and endless waves of transformation."

Entertainment Weekly had an article on Eat Pray Love the week it came out. And one thing I found out was Richard Jenkins who plays Richard at the Ashram talked to the real Richard before going to film and said it was the best 45 minute phone call he ever had. But he went on to say that he was sorry that Richard died before being able to see the movie. That made me sad to think that Richard is gone. He died of a heart attack.

And last but not least...OH MY Javiar Bardem....SO SEXY. He definitely made the movie better. And the one person that didn't like the new ageiness of the movie - even commented on the sexiness of Javiar.

I liked the movie. I would see it again. And I will want to have it when it comes out on DVD.

Thursday, July 01, 2010

"Can I move in this weekend?"

Master went on a business trip the beginning of May. But right before he left he had chatted with a girl who wanted to move in. Now I don't know lots of details such as if he messaged her or how he became talking to her but I do know he had only talked to her once and she was asking to move in.

I often think do I live in a reality where someone really thinks that is possible? That we are really going to let a person we don't know except for one online chat conversation, move in? And why on earth would she want to move in with people she doesn't know anything about?

But then I do remember when lived in the poly household....

I was really sick...sick to the point that my doctor said if I had waited one more day to come in - I could have been dead. I was in bed groggy and out of it because I was on pain killers and the door opened - my dominant at that time wanted me to talk on the phone to someone he had been talking to. So I talked to her and she is very nice. Towards the end of the conversation she says, "I just can't wait to meet you tomorrow. I know you are sick so I will be able to take care of you." I was stunned. I had just heard that he had chatted with this person a few times the day before. He hadn't even expressed that she was a real interest just that he was chatting with someone new. And then I find out she is moving in the next day and I find it out from HER not HIM. So here I am sick as a dog and the house was a huge mess because I had been so sick for so long.... and now we had someone new moving in with her teenage daughter into our 2 bedroom 1 bathroom apartment. Yeah I was really excited about that...


Thankfully I ended up liking her a lot. You know there is always some problems in relationships - so ours wasn't any different. But for big picture - we cared about each other and got along.

So back to the present....
Okay so this girl who lives several hours away, wants to move in this weekend. Her Master and his wife decided they don't want to do the lifestyle anymore so she needs to move out. So this girl asked Master to make her his slave and move her in the next weekend.

Master came in after his conversation with him - straight faced to tell me he was moving in a slave. He did it to see the look on my face. I knew he was kidding because he wouldn't ever move in someone he didn't know and more importantly I didn't know but I still made the face - like you got to be out of your mind if you think that is going to happen. Yep I have those thoughts. Master couldn't believe she was asking either.

Master checked on her a few weeks later just to see if she found anyone that would do that because he was curious. And she ended up moving in with a former Master.

But Master will still at time just tell me hey I am going to be pick up that slave now - just to get me going. He loves ramping me up on these topics that just annoy me just to see my feathers get ruffled.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

...then there was giggling

We were suppose to be meeting someone Tuesday but she flaked. Why? We have no idea. Gut saying she had someone already in the picture and we were her back up plan. When we wanted to take it to that next step, she knew she couldn't go there as she was already involved with someone so flaked.

Because of her flaking, Master was pretty bummed yesterday. After being out most of the afternoon, we came back - and played. So that Master could get some of his frustrations out. We played for several hours. We did things kind of in reverse from our usual play. Usually we kind of play with some slapping, punching and stuff like that before we have sex and orgasm. This time Master had me in naked except for a hood and black opera length gloves - which is pretty much standard. And I gave him a hand job with the gloves on. After he had an orgasm, he then played with me hurting my cunt and giving me LOTS of orgasms. And then after that we played more. Which is unusual for us after we have orgasms. He caned, spanked, slapped, grabbed and punched me. He covered pretty much the length of my whole body. After I was flying pretty high, I was going from crying to giggling and looking at the pretty lights above our bed.

We were both feeling pretty good but I was also STARVING by this time. And was wishing we lived in a bigger city so that Chinese take out would be delivered to us...well not delivered to us in bed but damn that would have been nice last night. Instead we got dressed and went to grab it since we live in a smaller town. By the time we ate it was 9pm. We had started playing about 5:30pm maybe 5:45.

My cunt today still stings and hurts from all the pain Master inflicted on it. And my bottom and shoulders are hurting.

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Slashy Writing and Third Person Speech

There was a post over on FetLife about slashy writing and third person speech. And I thought I would post my reply here...

I don't like slashy writing and I am thankful Master doesn't have me do it. I have to confess that often when I see a post using it, I often skip it rather then have to figure out.

Third person speak - for me personally - I don't find it would beneficial. If I need something to keep me in my head space or to help me think about my speech to Master at this point in our life, then I think there would be bigger issues at hand.

If we were early on in our relationship, I might see how it helps me choose my words more carefully. But I know he wouldn't have had me do it on a public forum for others to read but just to him.

I am quiet person and being that way has made me often go over things in my head several times before I even speak them out loud. So I don't think it would have done anything for me even then. I also think it probably would have been more of a distraction to the tasks at hand. Because stopping to have to think about what I was going to say to make sure it is in 3rd person would have taken me even more time and I think it would have become tedious to us both waiting on what I could have just said still respectful way but without the 3rd person speech. In that kind of situation for me it - it would make it feel about me. It would feel like a task to feel important even though that is what I am told the 3rd speech is not suppose to do. I know through people Master has talked to about 3rd person speech it doesn't do that for them. But for me - it would make me in the front on display when serving for me is about being unobtrusive and 3rd person speech is very noticeable to me so it makes me notice the slave when I think it is suppose to help show them their place. So if everyone is noticing the person is it really showing them their place? Bottom line is 3rd person speech is noticeable and serving is about being unobtrusive to me.

As someone else said in the replies the times I have come across people using third person speech, it often has come across as "hey look at me, look what my Master has me doing, look how slavely it is making me." Which I don't find to be attractive and would be a poor reflection to me on the Master. And often I do think what kind of dominant is he that he is having her do that because it isn't accomplishing what I think he wanted or what I would hope he wanted.

I want to add in that I think it does make people hot but then why not just do it in private. I get that more - about it making a person hot. So then why make everyone have to read it? As I said about slashy speech above, I skip posts with it. And I do that with 3rd person speech too if it is too hard to read and is coming across as the "hey look at me - I am more slavely than you" type of post.

And only in rare occasions - I can think of one at this moment - it is done in a way that I didn't mind or even notice often

Adding this to my blog post....when I get emails with slashy speech or 3rd person and it is too hard for me to read, I often don't reply at all because I don't understand the email enough to give a reply. And instead writing back saying I can't understand your slashy or 3rd person speech, I just don't reply because I don't want you to get upset and defensive about it. And maybe you wouldn't but in the past some have so I just have gone to not answering them at all.

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Getting By

I pretty much just getting by each day. Lots of tears and sadness. I have done things like reorganized my whole studio - going through every box and bin and if you had ever been in my studio you know this was a tedious job. But I just needed it. I needed something to just focus on instead of letting myself get to caught in feelings and thoughts.

While cleaning, I am watching old movies. I am having a problem watching current or more modern movies. The old movies seem to comfort me. Watched many times over: North by Northwest, To Catch a Thief, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Barefoot in the Park, Roman Holiday, Casablanca, Mrs. Miniver, Gigi, An American in Paris and a few other. I have them going almost always. I need the noise.

Master had to go to Austin for business several weeks ago. I am extremely envious that he had a chance to spend 2 evenings with a good friend. But I am glad that he such a nice time talking with a like minded person. We don't have a community here so most of our interaction with kinky people is online. So chatting in person with someone was very refreshing to him. And especially someone who really gets us. So I am happy that he had that chance and especially with this friend. He came home really refreshed in his conversations and I remember that feeling when I lived in Ohio. Especially when I lived with Bill and Angel. We always had good lifestyle talks.

As I said at the beginning...I am just trying to get by day by day. I have good moments. I have down moments.

Such as the other day a little thing sent me into tears. I was writing a card out to my Aunt and I opened my computer document with my addresses and it had my Uncle's name and my Aunt's....and I changed it to just my Aunt's name. And it was hard.

I also had another loss. My former Master died within 10 days of my Uncle and that has left me, of course, with a kind of roller coaster of emotions.

But some good things....I contacted someone who was involved with him and I - to let her know as I felt she would want to know. We hadn't talked in quite a while and it was good to catch up and really have a good heart to heart. And we both agreed that we are very thankful to him for introducing us and helping create the relationship between us. I feel the same about all my Ohio peeps too - if I hadn't been involved with him - I would have never met them.

Thank you to everyone who has commented, emailed, left messages, sent cards and just been reaching out to me....I appreciate it so much. I am very blessed to have so me many kind and caring people in my life.

Monday, May 10, 2010

My Uncle

Master was out of town last week. While he was, my Uncle went to hospice. So I started to resolve myself that I wouldn't see him again. And I didn't. The day after Master came home - my Uncle died. He was surrounded by almost my whole family. I am grateful that he was with family. I miss him so much.

So quiet - here and everywhere else.

Monday, May 03, 2010

Fetish + Music

A vanilla friend posted this tonight. And she was speechless....well so was I because I was amazed how much fetish wear I saw....

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


I have had a lot of inquires if everything is okay. And it is okay. I guess I mean I am dealing with things the best I can right now. I am dealing with a TON of family issues. I went to Minnesota to see my Uncle as his cancer is so aggressive. When I came back, I had to deal with some family drama from family in Minnesota. And then Master's Dad's cancer has changed - maybe for the worse. We still are quite clear on that. We also have 2 local friends dealing with cancer. One that really helped/pushed Master to start his business. And the other is a former coworker of Master's - who is giving up her fight with cancer. We also have a lot of work projects. So quite a lot going on that is making it much to busy for me to sit down and write here.

But a good thing I want to write about....

Master. He has been absolutely amazing. He is going through his own family health issues yet he has been a rock for me and my family issues. When I come back from my upcoming trip, he will leave on a business trip. So April we will have seen each other about 12 days. And I know that is hard on both of us. But I am really grateful to Master as looking around the house you can tell I haven't been here much. And he is very tolerant and understanding of the situation. I am so blessed to have someone that really supports me. I love you Master!

Friday, March 26, 2010


I know I have a ton more questions to answer but it probably won't happen until April. And they will be scattered throughout April and possibly going to May...because...

One of my favorite Uncles has cancer. It diagnosed late (many reasons for this - not any of it his fault he was going to the doctors) and it spread all throughout his body. He doesn't have long. So I am going home because I want to see him before he goes. He is young and it is sad and scary.

Then when I get home I will be here for just under two weeks before I head to North Carolina to visit a good friend. I will be there a week...and finally home hopefully for a bit.

So since the news of my Uncle, I just have been busting my ass to get things in order to hopefully make Master's life easier while I am gone. He is wishing he could go with me but I understand completely why he can't. I will miss him bunches.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

March Questions: Transition

How do you transition from being very independent and having so much freedom to being a live-in slave? I didn't even consider that being a slave would ever be a part of my life and now I am am a slave. Although I love being my Master's slave, I am struggling with the lack of freedom.

I am going to start by saying the same thing I say in practically every post where someone asks me for advice....

Really transitioning is different for each person so something that has worked for me might not work for you. But please know that going from being "free" to being a slave - no matter how much you want it - still is a struggle. It is hard to let go of those freedoms even though we want to serve and please. So what you are going through is normal. For me, keeping that in mind helps. When I struggle and know that the struggle is a normal thing - it helps me let go of it. Or see it more clearly as a normal part of the phase.

I then think about why am I struggling is coming up. Is it just in certain situations? What sparks it and then try to analyze why you struggle with it? Then talk through it logically to yourself. Often when I take things apart a bit I can see that I am being totally illogical. Such as I might have a fear I am losing myself but when I actually look at the situation has there been anything to show I am losing myself? And almost all the time that answer is no.

Talk to your Master and share the struggles with him. Such as the scenario above - if you do feel you are losing yourself - talk to him about it? What things are making you feel that way? Is there any solution to help you not feel that way?

Next reminding myself that I want this during those moments helps also. It seems pretty silly. And it may be but saying that when I struggling with something I want so much helps because in the moment I think it can be easy to forget because our fears or doubts creep up and override our real intentions.

Take one step at time. Sometime we want it all so much that we get going too fast and end up overwhelmed by the reality. And then the struggles come up faster. But when we take it slow and just let each part of the transition get into place and feel good - those struggles happen less or at least just one at time instead of being barraged with them. And if you do feel things are going too fast - again talk to your Master about it.

As I said at the beginning it really is different for each person. But first and foremost know that struggles are a normal part of the transition.

Monday, March 22, 2010

March Questions: Giving Up Things for Him

are there dreams or desires you have/have had for yourself that you, by being His slave, have had to leave to His choice whether you'll ever have opportunity to realize? what if you want something he doesn't? are you supposed to be satisfied with the idea you'll never have it? are you able to blindly dismiss your own desires and simply trust that whatever He does/doesn't want should just be sufficient to meet your needs?

I can't think of any dreams really that I have had to put aside for him. But desires yes. Some that I will never have the opportunity to realize. I think what happens is that you learn that some things are more important then others. Is it really okay that I give up being gang banged again to be in a relationship where I can serve in ways I never have before and fulfill me? I think that is an easy choice. I think no matter if we are in vanilla relationships or M/s, we all have things we won't ever have the opportunity to realize - it is just weighing how much that means to you in the over all scheme of things. And yes I do think that I have to trust that whatever he does/doesn't want should be sufficient to meet my needs. BUT if it isn't then I need to discuss that with him and hopefully we come up with answer or solution. In the rare occasion it is just something I have to suck up and deal with but again it is weighing what I have in this relationship verses the things I don't and knowing that the things I get out-weigh those things I don't get. Also sometimes having to suck it up - and just deal - gives me something. It makes me feel like I am really doing what he desires and pleasing him fulfills me. But always I discuss if/when needs aren't being met. Master's door is always open and he wants me to discuss anything with him.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

March Questions: Poly

my Master and i are thinking about bringing another slave into our life.. do you have any do's and dont's for a poly relationship?

Okay these are what work for me and I know not all of them will work for others. Your relationship might not be seeking the same kind of poly set up that we are looking for - a triad. So some of these are general poly tips but some will be geared towards triads. And I am sure I come across negative against d-types but s-types do the same things. I am just wording them from my point of view - my experiences. So all of this can apply to the s-type.

* Really search yourself. Know if you are ready for poly or even want to explore poly. And be honest about it. If you don't think you are poly, say it. Just because I am submissive doesn't mean I shouldn't voice my issues. And I have seen many s-types that just follow without saying I don't think I am poly. It is okay to not be poly. Just be honest with yourself and your dominant/partner.

* Be open and honest. If you are having any problems, issues, concerns, reservations - EXPRESS them. If you aren't communicating it, then you can't work through it. And of course the reverse is true too - if the d-type has issues or concerns. Even if it is that you have had to unload the dishwasher the last 3 times even though it was her turn. Yes it sounds like sibling issues. But it still matters that you be honest and discuss it. (I will get into something about this morning down below.)

A few d-types have said to me when I tell them the above...."well she just goes on and on and on about this and that." And well although I know it can get tiresome/bothersome - it seems like so little to me to help your s-type be more secure in exploring poly. By talking about it as much as is needed. Because the more she feels secure the more lasting poly relationship you will have. And if the d-type is really pushing this issue - that he is done talking about it - it would give me red flags. Now I know this isn't the case always. But in my experience if this happens then I feel there are bigger problems in the relationship going on.

For d-types be honest too - if you are just wanting to explore poly for sex. Say it. Nothing wrong with just wanting to have sex with others - but again be honest. Also be honest about what is going on with you and the other person - if you went and saw the other person and played be honest. Yes I have heard well I didn't want to her feelings to be hurt - but hurting her feeling verses lying - what is the bigger problem here? Lying always. Hurt feelings can be worked through by communicating and being honest upfront. Lying and her finding out is a harder one to overcome as you are setting up long term trust issue from then on.

* If you are having problems in your relationship, it is my opinion to not start searching for another to add to the relationship. Poly isn't a fix it. It is just like a vanilla couple having a kid - thinking it will bring them closer. Poly can bring you closer but that usually happens when a couple has a strong foundation in the first place. Or during new relationship energy - but after that fades away the problems will come back up. And often if you are thinking poly is a fix it - bringing another in will just make those problems bigger and more complex or out of control.

* Make sure you talk about how you want things to go and problems that might come up for you both. Such as for us it is a must that we both meet the person at the same time. The reasoning for us is that it starts out on the same footing. If Master meets the person first, then I am coming in late to the party. They have had that first meeting getting out the jitters and they are more casual and comfortable with each other and then I am the odd man out feeling uncomfortable and will most likely feel like a third wheel. And if I met her first then it might feel that way for Master. (The hardest thing to deal with for me is here.)

* Group meetings dates are good, but remember to get to know the person on your own too. I think it is important for each person to have a bond and relationship with the new person. In one of my past poly relationship, the other s-type and I had lots of one on one time but I wasn't getting hardly anyway one on one time with the d-type. So it felt very unbalanced. Especially in a power dynamic.

Now some D/s geared advice...
* Respect the relationship flow. If he is the one in control - then he is the one in control. And respect that flow of power. If the "primary" submissive is giving the new submissive orders then it can be very confusing. There is a difference between helping and making suggestions and ordering. Just make sure the motivation to truly help and give suggestions.

* Also if he gives an order and it goes against how you do something then go discuss it with him if you don't like it - don't take it out on her. I have a post somewhere about how I read a post from a submissive who was fuming how the submissive put away laundry wrong and how it would make more work for her. But also even if she just was helping out and trying to serve by doing laundry because the slave was at work - that still was no excuse to yell at her. It would be better to go to the girl and tell her, "Master likes the laundry put away like this." OR if he has no preference it is just your preference say that. And tell her why. Tell her, "It is easier that pants go over here as those are the first thing Master grabs."

* Also use judgment when going to your owner to talk about problems with her. Because maybe you should just be going to her. If the dishes aren't getting done, maybe go to her and ask her if there is anything wrong as you had noticed that dishes hadn't been done by her for 2 times and is there anything you can do to help her. If it is a reoccurring problem then I would say it is time for the owner to step in. But remember we are all adults and should act like it. So it shouldn't be one running to the Master (Dad) telling on her (sister).

* This is for when the other moves in....if she moves in make sure you allow her to make it her home too. This is always Master's home first of course. But many things Master just allows me to use my best judgment. He doesn't care how the kitchen is organized because I am the one using it the most. When someone new joins us, they might have different way to many things - such as organizing the kitchen. And she should have some say in it. And I will need to be open to that her ways might be better then mine. So discuss on how to decorate, arrange and organize together - compromise. Also remember holidays - include her traditions too.

I am sure there are many things I am missing at this moment. But I would talk to others that have poly relationships. There are quite a few poly groups on FetLife too. And also remember some things that are musts for us aren't for you. And the power flow might be set up different too so there are many things that can be different for you and yours. Sometimes it is just making do with the best of your abilities. Talk talk talk is really what is about - as with everything.

I have written about poly quite a bit - our website has several links.

March Question Month - Please remember you can ask me anything. The how-to's are here.

Friday, March 12, 2010

March Questions: Sex

I am grouping several of the sex questions together.

Have you had a treesome (M-F-F)? Have you been with more then one man at a time? 3? 4 ? more? Have you been with more then one woman at a time?

Yes I have had threesomes....several. When I lived in the poly household, I had many. And then as an escort I had several too.

I have been with more then one man at a time, but it was a very long time ago....when I was 18. I haven't had a 3some with two men and myself. But I was gang banged and also done a train - so yes more then 3. But again those were when I was 18. And yes I would love to experience some of those again.

I haven't been with more then one woman at a time. I have made out with more then one girl at time. But not had sex.

Are you loud or quiet during sex?

I have changed back and forth over the years. I was very quiet younger - as I didn't want anyone to hear. Because you know having sex before I was married was a no-no in my family. I then became louder when I was married and didn't care if others heard as being married and having sex was okay. And after I left my husband, the first relationship I had - we met in hotel rooms as it was a long distant relationship and he wanted me to be quiet again. Then when I moved to be with the poly household, it was okay being loud. And he encouraged it so I became loud again. Master is mostly deaf so often I am quieter then usual because I know he won't hear me. That probably sounds odd.

Have you ever given a rim job? Received? I have given and received.

Ass to mouth: yes or no? yes I do ass to mouth.

What sexually would you like right now? Right in this moment?

Well if you follow my tumbler you can often figure out what I am thinking about. I mean yes I plan ahead and queue the photos up but just going over those images that I posted today but had planned several days ago - makes me wet with thoughts to go with them.

But what I have had images of over and over for several months is just the being turned on and brought to that edge over and over again. Through pain and fucked with toys and then finally fucked hard.

Describe your favorite sexual experience outside of your time with your Master? And then with your Master?

I have had many fantastic sexual experiences but the one that always pops to mind when people ask a question like this - is with my ex-husband.

He called me before he got off from work and told me to be kneeling on the bed naked. And to not speak to him or look at him until he told me I could. (BTW this is before we formally exploring D/s) So I heard him come in and talk to the dog. I hear him flipping through the mail. And he went to the bathroom and came into the bedroom and didn't speak to me. He undressed. And I heard him doing a few other things but wasn't for sure what.

He came up behind me and wrapped a silk cord around my neck and started to strangle me. He told talked dirty to me. Telling me that he could smell how wet I was when walked in the door. He let up with the pulling of the cords and played with my pussy. He fingered me bringing me close to orgasm but backing off before I did. And then pulled the cords again. I felt his hard cock pressing against me and would wiggle my ass and back - wanting him to fuck me. He let go for a moment and then tightened and thrust into my ass. He would let tighten and loosen as he fucked me and just as he orgasmed tightened. And tightened enough that I felt I was going to pass out. It was awesome.

I still get wet just thinking about it. You know why I think that time stands out - because I have had similar experiences since but they don't have the meaning that does to me. There was a closeness with us because of the relationship we had together. And that came through sexually.

One of my favorite times with Master is one I have described before....
He had beat me and slapped me until I was a fuzzy mess. I was of course at that point so dripping wet from the pain and wanting to feel him fuck me hard but instead he roughly pulled me off the bed and shoved me in the cage. And then he laid on the bed and masturbated. It was agony mixed with pleasure. I wanted so badly to touch him and feel him in my mouth or cunt but the sounds he was making and just watching his hand wrapped around his hard cock....was making me moan with pleasure. I really don't like to beg but I know I was begging at that point to touch and suck him. But he let me moan and drip. When he had his orgasm, he came over and wiped his cum all over my face and tits. Didn't even get to taste. It was so very hot to me.

March Question Month - Please remember you can ask me anything. The how-to's are here.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

March Questions: Virginity

How did you lose your virginity? Details please!

Well if you have read back far enough in this journal (and I hope many of you have not as I was so neurotic) - it hints or barely talks about that I didn't lose my virginity consensually. So I usually don't count it as losing my virginity. What I do consider when I lost my virginity....was with the boy I consider my first real boyfriend* when I was 16, Jeff, and I started off with some D/s and SM -- I tried to please him even though I did not realize that was what I was doing. And then he and I were playful when we made-out. He spanked me a few times and I got very wet and turned on. He noticed. When it came time for us to have sex -- first time I had (consensual) sex -- he asked me if he could handcuff me to his bed and I nodded yes. And after that our sex included me being tied up, handcuffed and usually spanking or some type of resistant play was involved.

March Question Month - Please remember you can ask me anything. The how-to's are here.

* I say first real boyfriend because it was a boy who actually came to pick me up on dates. Where as in jr. high I "went with" boys and you know it was group dates or meeting them at the movie theater or pizza hut or whatever. And then it was also just kissing a light petting. My first real boyfriend it felt more serious and more overtly sexual.

March Questions: Dying + Love

Are you afraid of dying?
Yes and no. I say that because it depends on the day you ask me. Today not especially. Most days though I am afraid of dying. I have lived a life full of so many experiences but at the same time I feel like I have a lot more to do with my life. So I get scared I might not get the chance.

How many times have you fallen in love?
5 times. I love easily though - although I don't consider falling in love and loving the same. I also don't believe just because someone has left my life that I stop loving them. Such as my ex-husband...I fell in love with him and still love him today. I actually probably still think about him daily because I care about him so much. I have many friends in Ohio that I love and haven't seen them since 2004 but that love hasn't faded at all.

March Question Month - Please remember you can ask me anything. The how-to's are here.

Sunday, March 07, 2010

March Questions: Blogging

Why do you blog? Why has your blog posts slowed over the years?

I blog really just to stay true to myself by writing my thoughts. And hopefully by looking back on my life to learn from the mistakes. I also blog just to keep track of my life. I want to be able to look back and remember.

When I first started blogging, I wasn't in an Owner/property relationship. I was struggling, searching and just trying to find out what exactly I wanted. So I BLOGGED a lot! Blogging to figure it all out.

Now I am living that life I was searching for so I am more busy serving than writing. I also have blogged for so long it just feels like I have said the same thing over and over. And the same things I still read in other blogs. So...why repeat it all. Sometimes in the moment I feel the need but if I get time to think about it - then I often delete the post just because it is a repeat.

March Question Month - Please remember you can ask me anything. The how-to's are here.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

March Question Month

Okay okay I know I got tons of ideas for the 10 minute writings and then I haven't done any yet. I am planning on doing them though. I just have been super busy so not even 10 minutes to sit down and write. There are many things I enjoy falling to the way side. I am even more out of touch with friends then I was and I was out of touch before so you know it is getting bad. I hope to find a way to juggle everything better. is that time of year....

Here are the rules ask any question and I will blog my answer. You can ask even ask anonymously. Just post your question(s) here in comments, over on LJ, on tumbler(you can ask anonymously there too) or via email. Comments on LJ are screened so no one else will see them. And tumblr works the same so that the question just gets sent to me and no one else sees it.

Please feel free to ask as many questions as you want. I always enjoy the questions and am fairly open about my life - so ask about anything.

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Help Please - 10 Minute writings

I have a friend that has started 10 minute writings. Sometimes it is just stream of consciousness and other times she uses a prompt. And then she just writes on that subject for 10 minutes. I want help in creating a list of prompts to help me write would you please leave a comment or email me ( with a topic you would like me to write about. It can be anything from one word prompt to a question or statement. I don't guarantee I will write about it but I usually pretty open to anything.

I know one thing that has stopped me from writing is because at times some subjects seem like subjects I have written about a lot. So it makes me hold back but recently it was pointed out to me that people who are new to my blog or at least haven't read all 9 years of it (those that do oh my you need cookies or cake or something special!) and so haven't read those topics I feel I have written about millions of times. Okay I know not millions but sometimes it feels that way! :)

So please feel free to use any subject or question - even those you think I might have wrote about before because who knows my answer might have changed or maybe it just something you want to know about because you didn't read it the first 10 times (and I don't blame you).

Thank you in advance!

ps: I also have comments screened over at LJ and set it to public and to allow anonymous comments. Screening over at LJ means that only you and I can see them. So when you post it and it gives you a little message that says it is screened and then you can see it. And I can see it and that is all. And you can be anonymous if you prefer.

Monday, February 01, 2010

7 Year Collarversary

Today marks 7 years as Master's property. I don't have words for it so I will simply say I am very happy to be His. Thank you Master!

Friday, January 08, 2010

Please Support 2009 International Ms. Bootblack

There is a wonderful woman in the community named Pony. She is title holder for 2009's International Ms. Bootblack and just like other title holders, one of the things that comes with your title is to go to events and make appearance to represent her title.

Pony is also an ordained minister. This past November the church was made aware of her title as International Ms. Bootblack so was let go. Because of this, not only is she out of a job, but she has obviously lost the means to go to events and proudly promote her title.

We all can relate to having to hide in our dungeons and remain anonymous for fear of getting "caught." Wherein the basis of Ms. Bootblack and those that represent the community is to promote freedom of expression in our sexuality, we shouldn't have to be ashamed for what we are and when you read or hear Pony's words, you feel the emotion about how important it is to be out and proud of who we are. Her courageousness to confront this instead of hiding is the reason why I feel that more than ever, we as a community should throw our support for someone who is certainly deserving and proud of the title she honors.

Therefore, I'm asking for you, if you can - to give a little (or a lot) to help Pony deliver her important message at events from coast to coast. If everybody pitches in even just a little - then not only is it going for a good cause, but it also becomes as a victory against those who would rather find flaws in us than substance that binds us. Help us get Pony going!

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

From 2009 to 2010

Happy New Year! It is hard to believe it is in 2010. Usually I am one to really self-examine the outgoing year but I am not feeling like it at the moment. I have been so busy since Thanksgiving that I didn't get to do most of the things I do for the holidays so I am feeling kind of off entering the new year. 2009 of course had many good things but it was a hard year because of health and economy. I know 2010 will be better. And glad it is here.

I started rereading Eat Pray Love just before Christmas and am taking my time with it....savoring it. It is what I need right now - it has been my solace during this busy time. And also for ringing in the New Year.

Christmas was at Master's parents. It was a nice day with family. I didn't get to bake as much so my tray was smaller for Christmas day. But one thing I set out that I also made as gifts this year was a hit...."Gourmet" Popcorn....I made butterscotch, chocolate peanut and then a zesty popcorn mix with pretzels. And with all of them I have had really good feedback on such as "you can make more of that for me anytime."

For gifts this year I made bath fizzies, bath soaks, bath cookies (that looked like real cookies), hand-stamped kitchen towels and then the gourmet popcorn (all of which I will posting about over on domestic in the next few months). And as always treat trays. This year at an after Christmas sale at Target, I got quite a few melamine Christmas plates so that I can give treats on them next year.

Not much else to say....just busy working on a website.

I hope everyone has a 2010 full of good health and love and of course kinky sex!
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