Sunday, June 30, 2002


Horoscope for July 1st...

LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): Like the other signs, you are dealing with some logical processes that have met resistance. You are being forced to rethink the plan. Unlike the other signs, you have a knack of finding a way between the extremes that are currently present in your life. You don’t have to fall victim to the pessimistic facts. And you don’t need to over-inflate the possibilities. Reality is somewhere in the middle and it’s your job to find it.

I am feeling very drained right now...physical, mentally, and emotionally. I want to thank Moni, Michael, Katrina, Lisa, her husband, Linda, Mistress DM and so many more. I have so many wonderful friends that offered me a places to stay, a shoulder to cry on, and support in learning to grow in different directions.

A quote that I am not sure I am getting exactly right....and can't remember who said it right now....

"Tears loosen the soil to allow you to grow in different directions."

Saturday, June 29, 2002

All Comes in Time

Music: Mix CD

Topics: busy week, a place to go, background info, a rant on being in control as a submissive

I am just not home enough this week to write about all the things I want to write about, to work on the websites I need to work on, to change things on my blogger layout and so on and so forth! Not complaining mind you…but I think I am going to have to slow down some.

This week I was/am busy with friends, dates, and parties every night. Monday dinner with a friend just to talk and then also to negotiate playing together. Tuesday lunch with Katrina. : ) A new name to my journal. She is Moni’s submissive and such a sweetie! Love her to pieces but I should have known I would…Moni has good taste : ) Wednesday I was suppose to have what I am going to call a snuggle date, but I ended up having a friend need me so I had to cancel my snuggle date. Thursday I had a dinner date. And Friday I had breakfast with Moni and then dinner with Moni, Katrina and my Monday dinner date. And tonight is a party…I just got done making brownies for and lemon bars. Sunday meeting some friends for cheesecake. And then we start all over kids!

I just typed this whole big…journal entry and then Microsoft had a blip in it…and I lost everything. I am not a happy camper right now.

I was talking to Linda one morning and the conversation made me remember when I was first here and owned. I did not work. I just took care of my Owner and his home (and most of the people in the poly family). I moved to Ohio not knowing a soul here. Only people I knew for the first 6 months were my poly family. I really did not have established friends that I could count on in major crises until about 1-½ years of being here and the main person was Di. I had other friends also but Di was the one person I “felt” I could call and say I need you and she would be there no matter what. So, when my Owner would add a new person. I was always happy for him but when I was first here - first 6 months to 1 ½, I would get a little stressed wondering if I would be replaced or asked to leave. And if that were to happen, I would have no place to go during that time period. After, Di and I got to know each other, even though it would have been hard for me to ask for help from anyone I still knew that I had options because I had Di in my life as my best friend. I got to a point in my relationship with my owner that I ended up not fearing that I would be asked to leave but being replaced I thought I could be replaced as a slave. But I knew that my Owner would want me in his life someway…even if not as a slave. So, I stopped worrying about being asked to leave.

I then asked for release…and the fear came back 10 fold…as we still lived together. I daily wondered.

I don’t write about him much here because one he hates it absolutely hates it. But sometimes I have to write because it is too big to ignore. But it is still REALLY hard to write about him here. But this is a big thing so something I need to write about.

He is a good man overall. He has done so much for me and done lots of work to better himself and understand things in his world better. And I am very proud of him. This last year has been the easiest year with him. Even though we have had some big stresses. And granted some that is because of my attitudes about my life change so it affects outlooks but not to depreciate all the work he has done. Because I am not. I am happy he has done all he has.

It will be 2 weeks tomorrow…he told me either we try again or go our separate ways. And although I have heard that before…this time I knew he was serious. Timing of course sucks big time…as I don’t have a job and been having problems finding one because number one reason I have not had a “real” job since 1997.

So, I have a major stress going on in my life.

I am scared.

When I was Germany, Moni told “Sir” that I had lots of friends and none of them would let you be on the street. And I remembered Moni saying that and I was very touched when she said that the first time. And although I don’t think I could take her up on her offer… I almost started crying at Bob Evan’s yesterday because she told me I could always stay with her and Michael. And I REALLY REALLY appreciate that I have her in my life as a friend! That she is willing to open their home and heart to me like that.

I keep sending out my messages to the universe and hope that the things I need come into my life. I am looking for things to help me achieve some things I want to achieve. Something WILL happen that I need to. I know it.

I need to do what is best for me. And despite an email I got this week…I do know what is best for me. And I do know EXACTLY what I want. I have always had lots of friends to vent to and bounce ideas off of, but I don’t have people in my life that say “I will fix this for you.” I have friends that will help…just like Moni said I could live with her. That is helping someone….not “fixing” my problem. I wish I had someone to take care of me and fix all my problems…that would be so wonderful.

Little background info…

I am the oldest of 3 girls. I was the one in charge always. In second grade, I was getting my sister up and getting her ready for kindergarten, getting myself ready, making our breakfast and then walking us to school…making sure she got to her class before I went to mine. That is 2nd grade…so I was 7 or 8. I have always been the one who took care of things. My mom worked and I would do things to make my mom’s job at home easier…not all that I could have probably. I was the one to create peace around the house also.

I then dated and ended up marrying a man that I took care of basically. He never had to worry about anything. And when he did by chance…he would go to pieces. I never could cry or have any emotions show because it stressed him. So, I kept things very bottled up and when I would cry… I learned that I would just do it when he was not home. It was something I did so that no one could see. And then it stopped all together.

I actually did not show many emotions after Morgan died so it was not too hard to turn the rest of them off.

I then had to deal with some of my past and emotions started flooding back. It is still hard for me to identify emotions…because I turned them off and so when I am feeling some things I don’t know how to explain it or indtify which emotion I am feeling. Happiness was a hard emotion for me to “name.” I remember describing how I was feeling to Di and she said I think you are happy. I said really wow this is happy? This is a good feeling .

I do not ever recall feeling that emotions before that time in my life…that was hmm a year and ½ ago. I am 34 years old and not sure I ever experienced happiness up until 1 ½ ago that is REALLY sad.

Anyway, the point of my background info is…I have been in control of everything always. I was the one to make decisions even from a young age…I was forced to grow up and be responsible.

So in a way it seems really logical to me looking back in my life seeing why I want a Dominant and even a Daddy…seeing why I want someone else to be in control. Is that the only reason I am submissive? No and it also doesn’t mean I can’t or won’t make decisions. I will. And I want to. And I am very much a control freak LOL so not a problem on controlling things and being in charge.

And even having someone else in charge does not mean that I won’t be because serving is being in charge and making decisions. When I first moved here, my Owner mentioned in passing something about his favorite pop. One day shopping I picked some up and when he came home from work one of the first tasks I had was to get him a tall glass of ice tea, water, pop, juice or something to drink and I brought him a glass of his favorite pop. He took a drink and he looked at me and said how did you know! And I knew because I listened and watched. To me a submissive is in her Owner’s mind just as much as the Owner is in the submissives. (Just had that conversation with someone else last night…discussed how most male Dominants I seem to have a fear of the submissive getting in his or her head)

Off topic for a moment - but linked to last topic and the reason I thought of it…..It was a BIG BIG fear of Todd’s…that I would get in his mind. I understand now why he had that fear…because he knew if I did I would find out that he was an illusion. Funny Todd’s “thing” was to conquer fears - wonder why he never conquered that one…sorry not in a “nice” mood. I get sick of having to walk around things. I try not to be mean-spirited or just express feelings that I don’t mean really…just feeling at that moment because of annoyance or frustration but today I am really feeling annoyed by lots of little things so it is going to come out in unpleasant ways. The purpose of the journal is to express myself…so I am. LOL : )

So back on topic…I think a submissive is in control and makes decisions mostly because she is there to enhance and serve her Owner so we have to in order to do that job. I have lived with submissives who though that the only thing they were to do….was what the Owner told them to do so if there were dirty dishes in the sink and 4 loads of laundry they did not have to do that until he told them to do it. *rolls eyes* Ummm I want to shout DUH..again I will say it…we are here to enhance our Owner’s lives not burden them. So if there are dirty dishes do them! It just seems so obvious to me. LOL

An Owner might tell the submissive you are in charge of paying bills now. The owner might micromanage it if that is their desire. But most I know would say okay you are in charge of this now. So does that mean the submissive is not in control of that or making decisions regarding the bills? No, she/he is definitely in control…if they will get paid, when they will get paid, how they will get paid. They will make all the decisions regarding the bills. Does that make us less submissive being in CHARGE? No…it is a service to our Owner and we do it in service to our Owner.

I guess I am done with that little rant for now.

I better go finish things around here before I go out tonight. More tomorrow…

All comes at the proper time to him who knows how to wait. - Saint Vincent de Paul

Thursday, June 27, 2002

Can't Sleep

I can't sleep....I am going to be so off tomorrow. And I have things I really need to get plans for dinner.

Where does a person start to sort out feelings? Monseigneur E told me Wednesday that emotions are like a complex puzzle. And that you need to start with the beginning of the puzzle to get the end. I just am having problems really deciding where the beginning He helped me see that there were other feelings going on and that it was just easier to focus on the jealously then those other feelings.

Sun is coming up and I have not been to bed.

I have lots of extreme thoughts going on. Those thoughts that don't get shared with others. The thoughts that barely even get this admitting they are there. It goes so hot and cold. The other night after talking to Monseigneur E about visiting I was so excited that I could not come down from that high and did nto go there but then yesterday and today I am feeling it on the edge. But then later in the will probably be gone again. I crave BDSM things more then sex. I crave the power exchange more then I crave romance but I still want romance too.

I am always wanting more and wonder if there will come a time where....I don't feel that way. Where it all just clicks in place and feels right.

One must care about a world one will never see. -- Bertrand Russell


Wednesday Whimsy on Thursday early morning.....

1. When you were a little kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I always wanted to be artist.

2. If you could have any existing job anywhere in the world, what would it be?

An artist. I also have had dreams of being an art historian working at some famous museum analyzing and looking at art all day. All sorts of creative jobs go through my mind....advertising, illustrator, designer - interir, production, web and so on.

3. If the leader of the world told you that you could create any made-up job positions that you wanted, what would they be?

Hmm an artist (see a pattern LOL)....for some group like kids, some educate people on something. I know artists do for causes but I would like world leaders be more focused on the arts. I am tree hugging liberal LOL or at least that is what I am told. I think I am kind of conservative actually LOL

4. Describe a recent dream.

LOL Okay that would be last nights and not sure I want to share that. I was serving Monseigneur E and just lets say I was doing some very humiliating things. :) Strange thing was in the dream....things we were doing I have done before but they felt different with him. I struggled to submit at times to the things he was having me do. Maybe I have just changed as a submissive....and things aren't easy like they were once upon a time. Of course, by the end of the dream I was dreaming about the new girl in their lives soooo I woke up jealous and had that long long journal entry because of it.

Wednesday, June 26, 2002

Lie to Me

I was reading one of my local lists and a woman had this as her sig line.....I then logged off and turned on Buffy on FX.....and it was the episode that this quote is from! I got little goosebumps all over!

"Yes. It's terribly simple. The good-guys are stalwart and true. The bad-guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats and we always defeat them and save the day. Nobody ever dies...and everybody lives happily ever after." Giles, Lie To Me (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

long long ramble

Let’s see where do I start today. . .

Monday I basically did things around the house and finished up some work online that I had been putting off. Procrastination is a very bad habit for me. Nick had called me on Saturday or Sunday but I was away from my phone. He asked me to call him back Monday. On Monday night I went to dinner with someone who I consider a friend and also who I am negotiating to play with. I have known her for years but gotten to know her better since we started attending a group together several months ago. We talked about what she feels she can get from me. I have been into BDSM basically since the first time I had sex so I have had a few years experience....I tend to have people want to play with me because I am experienced.

It is so odd to think that there are some “normal” BDSM things that I have not done. Like bondage…I have not had hardly any bondage done to me. But yet I have had more extreme things done to me…like being held underwater, punched in my stomach, or slapped so hard I have fallen back. I like the extreme. I like the extreme because I feed off the fear. The fear is what turns me on. If I had to choose whether to have a fear based scene no sex involved or just have sex…I would chose the fear. It turns me on and makes me feel things I don’t feel any other time.

After dinner I came home and signed online and ended up talking to Monseigneur E. I have had several dreams lately of him, him and Linda together and then just Linda. All very interesting dreams. I have to evaluate a lot of what I feel for both of them lately. They come into my thoughts and dreams a lot so it is not like I can just ignore the feelings. I am here though and they are there. So it is something that has been easy for me to push away.

I told Linda that I was going to go visit Sir Laz and Aydeen. . . she said when are you going to visit us. I told her then that I had been thinking about it lots. I had dreams of her that night I said that. I had dreams of just her and I doing laundry and just talking and it just felt so nice. And I also dreamed of her tattoos also… LOL *blushing* Basically just her and I in bed and me touching her…running my fingers over her tattoo…not sex…just touching. Now I can’t remember the tattoos and I can’t remember what tattoos she has…I know she has several though, but I bet my dream was accurate in them…just that feeling.

I am still going through lots of feelings of envy. I am not calling it jealousy but it could be since I don’t know these feelings very well. It has been a VERY rare occasion when I have felt jealousy or envy. I am happy for them both that they have this new person. But I am also very sad. I get pang of just such overwhelming sadness. It hurts. I am trying to be very honest with my feelings right now and not liking it lol I know nothing of the girl that is with them, but get very emotional when I think of her and them. I guess I am jealous. I thought of writing one of the poly lists and dug out ethical slut last night also because it is just so odd for me to be feeling these things. I just don’t know what to do or how to handle them. And they seem to be getting more intense for me. So not something I can just push away that easily anymore.

I am not a person to get envious and jealous. And to get this way and I am here and they are there even makes it seem just stranger to me. I guess I have always put them in this place that they are “there.” And why would that matter when I think of Nick and he is “there.” Because of conversations Linda and I have had on long distance does not work for getting to know a person. I agree with her on some levels. You go and stay with a person for 5 days and you are on your best behavior. You are excited to see them and you live in the excitement. It is harder for them to see the real…day in and day out person. I agree but don’t also.

But it might just be me and my past experiences… with Sir Laz and Adyeen…and with Todd. I just am much more the type of person to show those I am with…want to be with…*me* because I would rather find out sooner then later that we are not compatible. Yes it is hard at times. And yes I have problems letting it out, but I do. It might take a few days. But I will eventually get to the point of okay this is me. But it seems to be much sooner then it used to be because I have learned some things from the experiences I have had. And like I said I would like to know sooner then later if we are compatible or not.

I keep asking myself WHY…why am I feeling this way. Because really I have no reason to feel jealousy. I don’t know anything about what is going on with them. Or what part she will play in their poly family or how well things are going or anything. I don’t have any “rights” to feel this because I have never been a part of their poly family. I don’t know what it would be like to be a part of their family so why would I feel jealous of something I have no knowledge of?

Part of me feels it is because I have always “wondered” about Monseigneur E and Linda…wondered if it would work and now I am having regret that I have never asked to explore it before. Part of me feels I have missed my chance with them. Part of me wonders if I have just been in denial for the feelings I have for them and now this has brought them up? I just don’t know. But I am not happy that I am feeling this jealousy. I don’t like it at all. And not sure how to handle it either.

Jealousy is just an emotion I never understood. I have been jealous about 2 times in my whole life. Because I rarely feel it…when I do it is very overwhelming to me because I don’t know how deal with it. . . I don’t have past solutions to draw from and deal with it. Only thing I do is deny it is there until something sparks it. And what sparked it this morning was a dream.

Monseigneur E asked me when I was going to visit and then he and I talked about it a bit and I was thrilled after talking to him the other night about visiting. I felt so happy. And I do not have reservations or anxiety of what he will do. Only thing I felt was worry that I might disappoint him or do something to embarrass him.

It was in my dream that I realized she would be there. And that is when I had the pang of jealousy hit. And it annoyed me that I felt it. And then I got sad. The sadness I only can say must come from me pushing feeling aside and regret that I talked of earlier. Maybe I use the jealousy to mask the regret and sadness? I am not sure.

I am chatting with Monseigneur E right now he said Jealousy implies fear of losing something. I fear I have lost a chance with them. The conversation goes on and of course he has helped me recognize some of my feelings. It is not really jealousy that is the main emotion. It is easier to focus on the jealous then it is to focus on the other feelings I have…mostly irritation with myself for being in denial. For pushing aside feelings I have for a long time. Every time I felt them…I would end up pushing them aside. And so the need to address those feelings I am having would dissolve the jealousy. Because really it is all the other feelings…the fear that I have lost my chance with him and Linda that is bigger then anything else.

LOL okay I just got mail and it is my daily inspiration… and this is what it said, “What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything?” - Vincent Van Gogh

Main reason I never went there with my feelings is because I am in Ohio and they are not. Next reason is it would be long distance…I would say at first…and I understand the problems with that and so that does not seem “feasible” to me. Not that I have discussed any of this with them. Monseigneur E I know knows I react to him. But my interest in them I don’t talk to him about. I have a little bit with Linda but not much. I don’t talk about the feelings I have for them really to anyone. I know I have hinted at it but never admitted… I mean I barely admit it to myself : ) I am good at denial. Most I have ever talked to them about is coming and playing with them. I don’t talk about being with them as in part of their poly family. And location is the main reason and so I push feeling aside and don’t deal with them or even discuss them. Good huh? NOT!

So that now they are coming up through the jealousy…fantastic lol

Emotions are so fun NOT!

But any feelings I am having I want to deal with NOW. And if I am going there to visit…I want the feelings I am having to be in their place and dealt with. I am sure this is something I will write about more.

On to the next topic…

I had lunch with a friend yesterday. She is a fairly new friend but I love her dearly already. She is just so great. Her and I have lots in common…not only D/s but also vanilla things. I gave her a box I painted. She likes boxes…one of those things we have in common. It was a good long lunch and I actually talked about some things on my mind too such as Monseigneur E and Linda, Nick, and just junk that I needed to get out. It was really nice to talk and really nice to hear her thoughts and thing she is going through right now.

Today I am thinking about Moni. I hope to get together with her soon and have one of our long lunches too. She has been very good to me always but lately I feel her protection and guidance more and more and appreciate it so much. She is truly great friend!

Next topic is Nick… I talked to him on phone for almost 2 hours last night. We are very much back to our old way of conversations. We talked about some things that I discussed in my email to him. I discussed the weight thing with him. We discuss that every once in a while but mostly we don’t because he knows I am sensitive to that discussion, but because it was in my email we discussed it last night. It was a good discussion I heard what he was saying. What it comes down to with me is acceptance…and he and I have discussed this many times and he can say all he wants that he knows what I look like he accepts me for who I am right now. But I won’t believe it until with him in person. And I am guessing our first time of meeting will not make me know it either.

This just popped to mind. I have not really worried about the acceptance thing with Monseigneur E and Linda. I have worried about attraction but not acceptance. And the attraction has worried me more with Linda then with Monseigneur E for some strange reason. That will probably change I am sure I will worry about it more LOL

So back to Nick we had this long conversation. And I hate that I go so back and forth on my feelings for him. I close things off and start protecting myself and then we have conversations like last night and I feel very wanted and accepted by him. And then wonder why I am holding back. But also I noticed I started holding back when I started admitting my feelings about Monseigneur E and Linda. Such a nice little mess… I have right now. I mean nothing too chaotic but things that I do have to figure out.

Meanwhile, I am very busy here in Cleveland LOL I have something going on everyday this week again. My social calendar is full! I am trying to figure out time when to get to Tennessee. Nick was very adamant about me going. . . He feels it would be good for me to get out of Cleveland for a while. And he had a main reason for that and it was a good one.

I am going to change my Who’s Who but waiting to get confirmation from 2 people who I am going to add so I wanted wait to hear what they want to be named first before I do that and make all the changes at once.

Smackdown I have not been doing lately but meaning too…

One question from the Smackdown…"When did you lose your virginity?"

I was 16 when I lost my virginity. His name was Jeff. He was a model and 18 years old. He and I had been playing around sexually before we had sex. One day we were in his room and I said something kind of flippant to him. He bent me over his knee and spanked me. We started fooling around because the spanking turned us both on. He asked if he could handcuff me to his bed. And I said yes. And then we had sex. It was nothing earth shattering. I was very turned on by being spanked and being cuffed. Go Figure LOL

Another question…"Who was your first love, and did he/she know?"

My first love was Brian. I am going with love not crush. I felt very wanted, protected, accepted with Brian. There was no BDSM with him. I was involved with him when I was 17. He was an artist and we talked about all sorts of things…mostly the angst that teenagers go through. At the time my Grandfather was dying so he helped me get through that. He was the first person I was made love to by. Not sex but made love. No, he did not know I loved him. I was too scared to tell him. I never told anyone I loved him or her until Jim.

Well, I did 2 more smackdown questions now! I need to get going…just had a friend call that needs me. More to come later I am sure.

Monday, June 24, 2002

Monday Mission Bonus

Monday Mission

Well, I am only answering the bonus question.....

BONUS: How far away can you go, and still be dancing with me?

2 people came to mind when I read this question......

I have a good friend that has a tattoo and it is of 2 people dancing and a person who is very important in her life also has the tattoo. And no matter what they will always have that tattoo and the symbolism of it....they will forever be dancing no matter what happens to the relationship or where they are at in their lives. That to me is a bond that is pretty damn amazing.

Sunday, June 23, 2002

Playfulness Gone

Well, I can tell my immune system is still down from this winters pneumonia. The cold has pretty much hit me full force today. I am up because I needed to take some cold medicine and then I am going back to bed.

Last night at Carpe Diem was nice. The topic was very interesting and the speakers were good. The topic was sleep sacks and long term bondage. It is something I have actually not thought lots about but after last night it did spark some interesting dreams. :)

I missed Moni but I had a nice time talking to Moni's submissive. And then of course other people in the group that I always enjoy conversing with. I have lunch planned with 2 people now too after last nights meeting.

Friends have always been an important part of my life. Right now I have so many good friends and count myself blessed.

Last night after Carpe Diem I went out with some friends to get a bite to eat and I had a milk shake. It had a pile of whip cream on the top. And I had someone watching me which of course made me blush LOL But what stood out to me on the way home when I thought about that I had to think of what to do. That over the last 4 years I feel like some of my passion and playfulness has faded. My first instinct was to play with the whip cream, but how to was like blank from my mind. And then when it came to me I held back. Why? I know something probably kind of small but it does relate to my life over all. I do have to think and let that passion out...that playfulness out....with more thought then naturally as it has been in the past. I don't like that it is that way.

I have been dreaming of Di. And the dream this morning just made me realize it is time to change my who is. So expect that to change in the next day or so.

Sunday Op-Ed

1. Doughnuts
What police officers eat? Or what is Krispy Kream? Yummy! I never had a Krisy Kream until in Ohio. Weird huh?

2. Coffee
What is favorite drink at self-help meetings? I don't like to drink coffee but I like coffee flavoring and smell. I have hazelnut candles that are yummy. I like coffee flavored shakes and ice cream. And then there is a coffee flavoring used in Tiramisu...which is a favorite dessert for me.

3. Summer
What is my least favorite season? Summer! I do not like summer. Fall is my favorite season.

Friday, June 21, 2002


Topics: Babbling about what I want.....Getting to know someone....Romance and D/s

I have achy as my mood as I think I am getting sick. I woke up 2 times last night with asthma attacks. It feels like a cold coming on.

I have over the last week started coming to a lot of realizations. I have taken a mental cold shower. I did something this week and when I did it….it was like I walked through a doorway. Is the door shut? No. But it is time for me. I was having a conversation with Mistress DM on Sunday I believe and I kept going on about what this person wants and what that person wants and what another person wants and she said like 2 or 3 times what do you want? And her final time she asked it she said “what do *YOU* want?” She told me that basically it was time to get the things I want and need. And she is right.

I want lots of things! LOL And even though the main thing I want in my life right now I don’t see happening anytime soon. I am going to make them happen and while I make them happen I am still going to try to have fun and get some needs taken care of.

The main thing I say in this journal is I want a long-term relationship with someone that accepts me. I want someone to also give what I give into the relationship. I do not want the Dominant to bend to my will but I want us to be compatible. I want someone to care as much as I care. I put Nick into my life - I know - way more then he puts me into his life. We actually talked about that the other night. He likes that I put him into my life as much as I do. And he likes it even more that I do it without him asking me to. I want someone though who will put me into his or her life. I want the romantic and kinky thoughts…like I have…to go through someone else’s mind.

That is actually something I took for granted with Jim. He was on again off again with it but when he was on it he was so good. He was so romantic and naughty too LOL that good kind of naughty. I would get a gift, a card, just a note tucked somewhere for me to find, or a rose…just because…sometimes they were romantic and loving other times they were naughty and kinky. I would get email cards and email love letters from him. I would get just a note from him saying he was thinking about me….again sometimes it was a romantic loving note and other times it was a naughty note. He would at times called me and just say I remember last night when I was fucking you hard and that scream you made was amazing. And I would be in my office surrounded by people and have to just say uh...huh lol I did things back to him but I could not be too naughty. He was always nervous someone would hear or find the notes. He worked in a very conservative office.

I like that getting to know a person stage also. I like the stage after it too….but that where you are finding out if the person is compatible with you. I meet people online and they might have the BDSM things in common with me or maybe like art or something else. But I want to get to know them…all of their dislikes and likes. I like talking and just being with the person. I guess that is one reason I don’t see myself just wanting to be play partners with someone because I want more. Friends…..who I trust. Not that trusts that is the surface trust but that internal trust. I am sure I am not making sense. There are some people you meet you know things about them and you trust them based on that. But there are others you trust because you have learned them. Learned that we are friends but more then that….learned about them as people and that reason allows me to go further. Nick also I feel….feels better when I played with people I have known for a long time. With the Sadist I did not know him. We barely met and then played. And Nick had lots of issues with that.

I paused just now for a while…..thought about a lot of things in the moments I stopped typing. I thought of conversation I had with someone. Thought of Wednesday evening. Thought of a question I just posed to a few groups. And also sent out some emails. I do that often. I will be writing and then all of sudden my mind wanders to things…which leads me to the next thing that maybe takes me away from the computer or doing something else on the computer and then I come back to my journal.

Because I was writing about romance it made me think about the D/s relationships I have been in and how/if the romance mixed in. My first Master after I was separated from my husband was not very romantic. It was just D/s…and BDSM relationship. We snuggled and had softer moments but he was not romantic. The only gift I was given was my collar….it was a very special gift as he made it himself. It was just a hard gift to receive because we were in a LDR and we would meet and I would kneel and he would put the collar on me and I would wear it the whole time we were together only take it off when I showered. And then when we were leaving he would take it off and bring it with him. I hated that so very much. I felt like he left me…abandoned me each time. I felt like if the collar could have stayed with me even if not on me that I would have had Him with me in it.

Todd was not romantic really but very thoughtful and that stood out to me a lot. He carried my bags in. He opened my door. He would not let me pay when we went out because basically he felt he was the man and I was the woman. It was not a Dom - sub thing. He would have done this same thing for a Female Dominant. It was being polite - chivalrous - thoughtful. It was being a man to him. He gave me a massage. He pleasured me sexually before he ever let me pleasure him. He brushed my hair and made me feel relaxed. Basically those things he did though to make me trust him and relax and open up. It worked like a charm.

Anyway, thinking of the romance made me ask that question on a few lists. I miss the romance. I miss getting flowers for now reason. I miss the card. I miss the notes. I miss those romantic gestures even small ones. I believe D/s and romance can be mixed but it has been my experience that the D/s is so much more important that the romance gets thrown to the side.

I just remembered the last time I got flowers. It was when I was in Germany and Honey come home with a beautiful bouquet of flowers….mixed with roses and other exotic brightly colored flowers. It was so beautiful. I almost cried but kept it in because there were kids and others around. It meant so much to me.

It is time for me to sign off….

"Love is friendship set on fire." ~ Jeremy Taylor ~

Friday 5

Friday Five

1. Do you live in a house, an apartment or a condo? an apartment

2. Do you rent or own? rent

3. Does anyone else live with you? yes my roommate Kam

4. How many times have you moved in your life? at least 10 times....if not more. When I was little, my family moved a lot. I mean by the time I was 4 I think my family moved something like 6 times.

5. What are your plans for this weekend? Dinner with a friend tonight. Then come home and finish cleaning my room. Do some laundry and then sleep. I feel like I am getting a cold :( Saturday is Carpe Diem.

Thursday, June 20, 2002

Run Away from Home.....Some Days

I missed yesterday's Smackdown. It was running away from home.... might do todays a little later or just be a day off this week. :)

I would like to run away from home.....some days.

Where would I go.....not sure. It changes daily. :) Probably that I could meet Nick. While in Arizona I could go see Mistress DM. Other places I would like to run away to.....Germany to see Honey.

Sometimes running away consists of just going somewhere quiet to just be. Usually a park.

Running away is something I always associate with someone who....I was close with. She would say she wanted to run away and ask me if I wanted to go......and I would say YES! Then we would discuss where we were going to go.

As a kid I only remember packing to go run away once but I don't remember why. I just remember packing and then going into my closet. That is where I ran away too. LOL

I was allowed lots of freedom as a kid. So I guess I never wanted to run away. And I went places lots. I went to my Grandma's and other relatives. I stayed with friends. I ran around our neighborhood lots.

Even as I teenager I was given a lot of freedom. Because I was a "good girl." I really was pretty good but I had my wild moments of course.

Right now running away sounds nice but also I have some things here I don't want to run from. I like Cleveland lots......right now I have been thinking about that lots how much I like Cleveland.

Thursday Threesome

Onesome. Do a Little Dance...Everyone loves to watch a good dancer, so tell us your all time favorite movie dance scene...and why.

I like Dance movies......Dirty Dancing of course comes to mind....I like when they are practicing. I like the end scene too. What keeps coming to mind though is Center Stage. The last dance scene with that one is good too. And I always think of Sir Laz and Aydeen with that movie because I saw it with them. Center Stage comes on HBO a lot so I have seen it probably close to 7 times.

Twosome. Make a Little Love...Spill it! What do you do to make the night romantic for that certain someone?

Well that night would have been forever ago. LOL

Been forever since I have set that kind of night up for someone and been forever since I had that done for me.

It is just the usual.....things people do......I wear lingerie and smell all pretty :) Set the mood in the room with candles, I do things I need to make the person I am with feel like they are special and relax.

Threesome. Get Down Tonight! Party it up, Getting your Groove on, or whatever you call it, everyone has a different style that they consider a good time. Let us in on what yours is.

Party....well of course a BDSM party comes to mind. Play parties. I like play parties that are actually at homes or private.....because they are more just a close group of people. There is good friends, conversation and good play. And that is fun :)

Wednesday, June 19, 2002


Music: U2 - Achtung Baby

I have not been writing like I should be or usually do. I have lots going on in my life and some new things happening. But nothing I feel I can write about. And not sure if that is going to change. I talked to Nick on the phone for almost 2 hours last night. We needed it. I still did not get through all the things I wanted to talk about so today - he got a 5-page email. I am sure he was thrilled to death…*said with heavy sarcasm* I am getting to that point right now that I just want things private. Mostly because I am just in that mood right now. I go through it every once in a while. I remember when I had special intimate and also sexual things go on with Todd. I did not want to “share” it. I wanted to keep is close to me and special just something between him and myself. And right now that is kind of how I feel. Not that my life has lots of special things in it - but it does have some possibilities that feel good right now and I am happy about that.

I was really feeling very emotional on Sunday. But then I got my period on Monday, so that pretty much explained that. By Tuesday my emotions calmed down. I had dinner with a friend and then came home and did some rearranging of furniture. And just did a little relaxing.

Wednesday - I need to do laundry badly and then in the evening I have plans. It is one of the possibilities in my life - well 2 if I get technical. Thursday - I was suppose to have plans with someone but I don’t think that is going through right now. Friday - I have some work to do. And then meet a friend for lunch. Saturday is Carpe Diem and I will be there for sure as I am helping out.

So as usual my social calendar is full : )

Today I was looking for a story I wrote that was I think like 13 pages long. It was to Nick. But I could not find it and realized it must have been pre-new computer. I was really bummed I could not find it. It was long it meant a lot me writing it. Nick gave me that story as an assignment and it even had a time deadline on it. So, it was important to me. I know silly huh?

I think everyday about certain people. People I care about, people that I can think of possibilities of relationship with, people in my past, people I love. And I just wish I were with one those people full time you know? After conversations I had on Sunday I guess part of me wants that even more.

I crave humiliation right now. Even though my threshold emotionally is much lower then normal because of my not sure why I would want humiliation. I also crave kissing, snuggling and just being with someone. Libra - wanting both sides of the scale.

I should call one of my friends that I have not seen in a while. Maybe I can go see her on Thursday. She and I always laugh so much that we end up in tears.

It is 2:33am here so I better get to bed. I have to be up doing laundry and finish one of several things tomorrow before I got out for the evening. One thing I need to finish is an article for the SMART newsletter.

Our strength is often composed of the weakness that we're damned if we are going to show. - Mignon McLaughlin

Tuesday, June 18, 2002

Junk Food

Tuesday This -n- That

Junk Food

1. Popcorn at the movies: buttered or not? Butter :)
2. Sometimes you feel like a nut..sometimes you don't...Mounds or Almond Joy? Almond Joy except I found that I get a sneezing and coughing attack after eating kidding weird huh?
3. Chips or pretzels? potato chips!
4. Milky Way or Snickers? Snickers
5. M&M's or Reese's Pieces? M&M's all the way!
6. McDonald's or Burger King? McDonalds
7. Vanilla Coke or Pepsi Twist? I have not tried Vanilla coke but I hate pepsi. I do like Diet Coke with lemon.
8. Hostess Twinkies or Cupcakes? Cupcakes!
9. Hershey's Kisses or Hugs? kisses
10. Original Mountain Dew or Code Red? neither

Stupid things that make you cry

Monday's SMACKDOWN just a little late :)

Onions - make me cry :)

Computer Crashes - I remember crying when the guy in Microcenter told me my computer was fried and I years and years of information.

PMS - which I just got my period today...3 days early which would explain why I was extra sensitive this past weekend and why my judgement and emotions feel up and down.

TV - there are shows that make me cry. I have cried during Buffy lol I did on the last episode....of the season....when Xander kept telling Willow he loved her. The news has made me cry before too.

Music - songs I will just start crying when I hear certain songs. Or if I am in that sentimental mood and hear a song that I can relate to or sparks a memory then I will cry.

Books - Quotes - I will read something and it will just tug on those ole' heart strings

Lack of sleep - makes me become a grumpy little girl and I cry

When others are hurting I cry....not that is stupid but there are people I don't even know or know nothing about the situations but I see them crying and I feel the pain or hurt or whatever they are feeling and cry too

I cry very easily on some things and other things I don't cry. And it is the things it is hard to cry on that are probably the things I should be crying on instead of TV, music or books. I should be crying when someone betrays me, when the love of my life breaks up with me, when the most important person of my life dies. But I don't cry on those things.

Monday, June 17, 2002

Daddy/little girl

I have a strong little girl in me….very strong little girl. I really set her a way...last summer after Todd and I broke up because he touched the little girl in me so….the little girl part was hurt and grieving and then because I felt it best for myself…I ended little girl things with Kam about the same time so that part of me was really hurting. Kam played a big part in bring little girl out. I first experienced her with the Master I had right after I left my husband. We were in a LDR. He coaxed the little girl in me out and I had not even known she was there. I enjoyed being her. With me it is not a role….it is really hard to explain to people. I don’t say okay I am going to play a little girl. There is just this part in me that is a little girl….and when she is touched…emotionally….she comes out.

Nick….I am not sure understands that part of me but accepts it but I don’t know if he will ever want to be “Daddy.“ But he does touch the little girl in me at times when actually I am upset…and he started comforting and trying to “fix” the problem. He does not really try to fix it - he offers solutions for me to fix it…I think that is something Dad’s do right? He often is guiding. And my little girl needs guidance. So that is why he taps into her a little bit.

My father came to mind…just now. I wonder if the little girl in me seeks a Daddy because my Father was not around lots...he traveled for business lots. He was very distant when home. I was with my aunt and uncle lots of weekends because my parents were involved in several organizations that took them to conventions and such. I did not have a "Daddy" really. And then part of me feels that I also have a strong little girl in me because at 4 , 8 and then 18 there were big event in my life that altered the way I look at things….altered the way I grew up. Parts of me stopped growing up.

Just like I wrote back in May that when I close my eyes….I picture myself at 18…whenever I think of me that is what I see in my minds eye.

Okay just a short babble for now.

Little girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice : )

Sunday, June 16, 2002

Alive but Tired

I am alive...I am just tired. Probably need tonight still to gather energy and see what my week looks like.

The Bazaar went pretty okay. I don't think it did as well as it could have but it still did better then I thought.

I had a very good time. Lots of possibilities before me right and and is exciting. I am not going to write much more about it or things I could or should.

Just going to kind of ramble…

Right now what I crave is emotional things. And those things can come in different ways but it needs to be with someone that I care about. I care about in an intimate way. Part of what I need is just intimacy.

Okay stopping topic at hand for a moment.... I feel right now...I have to write and qualify everything because one person will read this and think one thing and another person will think and read another.

What I seek "ultimately" is someone that I can be myself with - all the good, all the bad. I want someone who will accept me...emotional elements of me, quirky, fun and crazy elements, vanilla homebody elements, stubborn and opinionated elements, artistic and creative elements, D/s and BDSM elements in me. Someone that knows how to handle those elements in me that are not always fun to deal with but the things that are...I know will outweigh the not so good elements. I want a long term live in relationship. I still want Nick and hope that he and I do meet and "see." By see I mean see how we click...see if it works...see if we are compatible in person.

So, starting back in and going to write just what I am thinking and feeling "right now" and hopefully no one will read into this more then they should.

Things happen for a reason. And right now I was needing things and the people that seem to coming into my life could possibly give me those things...the emotional things.

Poly....I do like multiple relationships because I like relationships and have a big heart. I am bisexual so I like having relationships with both sexes. And then I am the type of person that if my needs are not being met with the person I am with I want to be able to get those needs met in other people. But because I care about the person I am with....I want to continue the relationship with that person still. I have not met Nick and right now I am having lots of conflicting emotions about him....which I will write about in a moment. There are needs I have - not meaning sex even though right now that is not being fulfilled either - but I have emotional and mental, D/s and some bdsm needs that are not being met and they have not for quite a while so there are on that edge. I feel all prickly with need. Then people start appearing in my life that I feel good, safe and comfortable with and so I have this opportunity to get some of those needs met. Yet, at the same time I think Nick would be happy with me "waiting for him." Even though he tells me do what I need to get my needs met.

I am going to go into my next subject...Nick. Right now I am feeling very insecure...with him...about him....and that is why I have pulled away. Last week I was having trust issue and he has not done anything to make me doubt I can trust him. So, why am/was I feeling that way? I was talking Mistress DM the other night and it dawned on me I might be having those feelings of distrust this past week because of the simple fact it was the anniversary of Todd & my break up...and even though I felt fine about it last week those things still affect me internally. And the distrust with Todd that last week was strong and so am I projecting those feelings on Nick? I think so.

I do know that some needs Nick has been fulfilling for me since we first started to get to know each other…are not getting fulfilled and maybe that is playing a little bit of a part but this is also normal for Nick. We will go several weeks where he is very much satisfying those need the best he can from far away and we seem to be so on it with each other. And then we will go 2 weeks and not be. But I don't like that it is not consistent.

Changing subject again....this afternoon....I had a serious talk with someone and that is forcing me to make some decisions in my life. Decisions that might force me to move. So, not thrilled about that.


I just read horoscope for today after I have written all the above.......

LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): You may want to keep your feelings to yourself. In fact, you may not even be able to figure out what the heck you are feeling. Things are running around in your subconscious mind now and they need a couple of days to gel. Only then will you be able to express them with clarity.

So, I guess that is my clue to stop....for now. :)

Happy Father's day!

Saturday, June 15, 2002


I am getting ready for the Bizarre Bazaar.....

I put mixed as my mood because I am getting excited about the Bazaar but I am also ready for it to be OVER! Lots of people have put lots of hours into this thing and I just hope it goes smoothly and everyone has fun!

I will write more tomorrow!

Friday, June 14, 2002

Friday Five and Smackdown

Music: Jewel

Friday Five

1. How often do you do laundry? It varies week to week. Usually at least 2 loads, but up to 6. Right now I have probably about 6 loads ready to go.

2. What's in a typical wash load? A typical load is clothes and then once a week towels and sheets.

3. Front or top loader? Powder or liquid detergent? A top loading machine right now and I use liquid detergent as powder makes me break out.

4. Do you use fabric softener in the rinse cycle? No, I don't

5. Dryer or clothesline? Well, I live in apartment right now so it is dryer and a clothes rack, but when I lived in Kansas I did most of my clothes on the clothesline.

I am doing yesterday's Smackdown today...

Which part of your house is always dirty?

My looks like tornado hit it most of the time. I have CLOTHES everywhere! Kam always laughs at me when I said I don't have anything to wear because if you peek in my room there is clothes EVERYWHERE...spilling out of drawers, the closet, a laundry basket and then they are on the floor too and my bed LOL I also have books all over the room...on top of the dresser, my makeshift book shelve is stuffed and then I have them stacked on top of it also and some even on the floor. And the next thing all over my room is jewelry. I love jewelry I have earrings and necklaces spilling out boxes in my room. So basically my room is stacked to the ceiling, stuffed full and spilling over with clothes, books, and jewelry lol

The Kitchen would be the next room. It seems there are always dirty dishes and I feel I could wash the floor everyday and still not be happy with it.

Thursday, June 13, 2002

Just a busy GREAT day

Music: no music buffy repeat on in background

Today has been busy but I have not had a chance to do any of the things I need to be such as cleaning, doing signs for SMART and writing a few emails.

Early afternoon I met someone to talk for a little bit and I understood all he said and he gave me a new perspective on some things. And on others I still feel the same though. I came home and signed online to check mail. I then started to talk to Monseigneur E when Honey called. We had not talked in a while because she was out of town. And after I hung up from her I noticed Aydeen had messaged me and asked if she could call. So, she called and so I was on the phone for almost 3 hours between Honey and Aydeen.

Honey talked about being in Germany another year so she wants me to make plans to come there next summer and travel. She asked for places I want to go right now so that she could start making plans lol And then Adyeen calls and she wants me to come visit. It was 2 years this month I was there with her and Sir Laz. She has LOTS going on in her life but she sounded very good. So did Honey actually which I was happy about. Honey was here last year this time. So it was weird I talked to her and about her being here last year and then talked to Aydeen and talked to her about when I was with them 2 years ago.

I know that Aydeen wanted me to come last year over 4th of July, but I was just so busy with the business. And then the time before she wanted me to come I still had some unresolved issues with my stay with them. That I did not even remember until Aydeen brought them up today. I have totally got over it. I was just still really emotional about things then. And plus my life at the time was so chaotic. But now and even last year, I was totally in a different place and I love Aydeen. She is great. We had lots of fun all sorts of ways! *grin* And I totally understand why things happened the way they did and I think we all grew from the experience. I am glad we all were able to remain friends still. I count them as true friends.

Kevin and I once talked about something that I needed help with and he was going to help me but….timing always timing lol Anyway, I have been thinking of it again but I do need help and I am not sure who to ask me to help me with what I need help with as it is going to be hard for me to talk about and as it is a sensitive issue with me. So not sure what to do right now…just knowing I need help…even admitting I need help is a big thing for me.

I just looked at the time and I need to go pick a friend up. So, time to log off.

Found this today and totally love it….and believe it….

Strive to realize a state of inward happiness, independent of circumstances. - J.P. Greaves

Just one last thing....I had a really great day. :)

A Ramble

Music: No Music just hearing the guys painting the outside of our apartment building...they are on my porch right now

When I am craving Dominance…. I, at times, am easily influenced by the Dominance….the Dominant. And that bothers me. Not that every Dominant can influenced me but there are some that can….

Changing subject….

Last night I went out with a bunch of nice women from a group. We had a very nice time and the place we went was very relaxing and pretty.

Horoscope for today not sure how to take...

LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): Your planet Venus is spending its last day in quiet and sensitive Cancer before entering showy Leo tomorrow. You can feel like something has reached the end of its road and it is now ready to change. Remember, you Librans seek harmony, but you may not find it today as you are pulled between an old safe situation and a new exciting one

I did like that Leo enters tomorrow and that is when Todd and I broke up and that reminded me he was a Leo. Only reason I remember that is the day is because I was reading old journal entries recently. I was trying to find specific journal entries about someone that I never mention by a name here. Anyway, I came upon the ones that talked about Todd and my last night together - where we were together and he…not sure the words for it…I will never ever forget that night. Hard to...since I still have a knot in my breast from where he bit me and slight discoloring also on my breast from it. It was a good thing to me…what we did…how everything ended up after that immediately and the following days….was not great though. I had subdrop that was so bad. I have never experienced anything like it.

I usually don’t remember bad days….bad anniversaries…like the day Morgan died I can’t tell you but her Birthday is Feb. 14th. I remember the day Todd and I met but like I said I would not have remembered the day we broke up unless I had been reading through old journal entries. I remember some old anniversaries but mostly because New Year’s Eve is a hard date to forget.

I am having nightmares and actually had a flashback yesterday….of stuff from my childhood. I am praying that it is not going to start plaguing me like Don did.

I have pulled so far from Nick it feels….maybe it is just my perception. It is a horse….lol Kam and I were watching this TV show on TLC a while back and it was about kids. And kids at a certain age range begin to learn that others see things differently. Like they gave 2 kids boxes and one said it was a car and the other said it was a horse. And they accepted that was the case with each kid, but if the same thing happened at a younger age the kids would probably fight over who was right. The age range that this happens….coincides with when the abuse started happening with me. Kam said the show explained lots of how I view the world. Because LOTS of the time I view things as a horse and I don’t see how others could see it any other way. It also is a Libra thing…the scales of justice….so I am always right lol I really don’t think I am always right…it is the perception I give people though.

I need to post this and sign off…

I found this yesterday….and liked it a lot….

Nobody is bored when he is trying to make something that is beautiful or to discover something that is true. - William Inge

Wednesday, June 12, 2002


Music: Ottmar Lieber

This morning it has got me thinking and feeling lots as I read the emails from the various groups I am on. I feel that prickly feeling of being out of control. It is on the edge of it.

There is this girl that wrote on one list yesterday how her Master and her finally moved to 24/7 and she is reacting to it. He came to get her to move her to him and he first went through her things. Basically she saw the pile from what she was going to bring with her dwindle down smaller and smaller. He also took her credit cards and bankcard once they reached his home. And it sounds like so many jumped down her throat for being “stupid”….and when I read the words she had wrote I wished it were me.

She is being enslaved. It is a process. After hearing more from her, I know she did not jump into this without getting to know her Master. She knows and trusts him or she would not have done what she did. They discussed this before…she was the one that actually brought the subject of handing those things over to him. So she took that all in to account before actually doing this. I believe most people probably think she is insane for doing what she did. And I admire her for her strength. Because as much as I want that I wonder how I would react. But then again she is reacting too. That is why she was posting. She feels the collar tightening and the leash growing shorter and she feels out of control. She is….and she is reacting to the process of him enslaving her.

I am a control freak and so I know I would be reacting to it. But it is what I crave so much. Others on that same list describe their life now that they are enslaved and they are so free and at peace. And that would be incredible. That trust…that complete trust to know he is the one…to give my life to…I crave to feel that feeling so much.

"Only one thing has to change for us to know happiness in our lives: where we focus our attention." - Greg Anderson

Tuesday, June 11, 2002

This and That

Tuesday This and That

1. Regular or electric/battery operated toothbrush? regular
2. Shower or bath? Shower. I like baths but I am picky….prefer a big big tub that is not white.
3. Automatic dishwasher or hand-wash dishes? dishwasher
4. Paying bills: online or write out checks? write checks….but actually mostly I have things taken out of my account automatically.
5. Laundromat or your own washer/dryer? Well, my apartment building has a washer and dryer on each floor and it just around the corner basically on our floor so it is nice.
6. Electric or gas stove? Electric…if I could but I have a gas stove
7. Subscribe to magazines/newspapers or buy at newsstand? I prefer to subscribe but mostly I ended up picking them up at a drug store.
8. Alarm or buzzer? Music…buzzer gets on my nerves.
9. Go grocery shopping yourself, or order stuff to be delivered? Kam does most of our shopping as he does most of the cooking.
10. On workdays...pack a lunch or eat out? end up usually eating out…when I worked in an office. Occasionally I would bring my lunch. I prefer to bring lunch but what would happen was I did not


Smackdown today is about earliest memory. It is odd. I was sitting here thinking that when people talk so clearly of their childhood I feel like I missed something. I feel like I don’t have as many memories as other people. And maybe I don’t. I will look at pictures and it is like I have been told a story about the person in the picture who happens to be me and then I remember it from the picture not from the actual memory.

But there are some things I remember…earliest memory is of being in a house in Grafton, North Dakota. My earliest memories would be sitting up in my little room playing with my Barbie’s. I was probably 3 years old.

Other memories…3 years old again same house sitting on floor in living room playing Barbie’s and watching is Christmas time…lights are dim as the Christmas tree lights are on. The house had olive green couch and I can’t remember the carpet for sure but I want to say it was olive green also. My mom and dad’s bedroom has a gold, ivory and brown patterned satin shiny bedspread. I remember sliding around on the bed. I also remember playing across the street at a little girl’s house. She had a room that was just a play room and it had all these cool toys…a little kitchen, easels to draw and paint on, all sorts of dolls and clothing and furniture for them such a buggy, crib, high chair and then there were dress up clothes on of my favorite things to do as a kid.

I have memories of when we moved from there to another town in North Dakota that I am not naming as it is small and it was a big part in my family’s life so if mom were to do a search on it she might find this journal lol

It was so fun to live there. We lived on a street with lots of kids and most of my memories are about playing with friends. Oddly enough I don’t have lots of early memories of my parents. I do of my aunt and uncle. But mostly those are bad memories but memories with my friends are the good and fun. And then some with my grandparents and then my mom’s mom.

Random This and That

Music: Mix - Vanessa Carlton ~ Thousand Miles, Sixpence ~ We have Forgotten, Jewel ~ Standing Still, Tal Bachman ~ If you sleep.., Michelle Branch ~ Everywhere, The Calling ~ Where ever you will go, Innocence Mission ~ Bright as Yellow, Van Morrisson ~ Someone Like You, Tori Amos ~ Wild Horse, The Martini's ~ Free, Jewel ~ Break Me, Sixpence ~ Breathe

Monday morning at 4am....there was a knock at our door. I was startled by it but then thought I was dreaming it. I stumble out of bed and grab clothes to put on just in case there is someone at the door even though I am not sure who would be knocking at our door at a secure building. So, I go to the door and peek out none on is there. While I peek out the phone rings, Kam picked it up. It was maintenance wanting in.....their was water in the apartment next door coming from between our apartment in theirs.....they could not find anything in our apartment. Soooooo since I was up at 4am...and could not get back to sleep. I went on a cleaning frenzy lol The house is still not to where I want it but things that had been driving me nuts - most of that got done yesterday.

I worked on an old old website I forgot I is a rape survivor site that I created back in 1997 took down for a while and then put back up in 1999.

I am not sure what else to write.....there is some stuff swirling around in my head. Mostly to do with Nick right now.

I feel when I express interest in others....Nick gets possessive. It is a good way to me though....not anything overly possessive in a bad way. But in a way that says, "hey just a reminder you belong to me." At least that is how it feels. We did not get a chance to talk much last week and then Saturday we talked online, Sunday he called, and then he told me to call him yesterday so I did. Also, our conversations most of the time are very relaxed and bantering back and forth. Lately, it will get to a point and he stops it. He reminds me who I am talking too and then I stop. Last night when we got to that point, his voice.....was...I can't describe it. But it was one of those tones that made me....look down and feel like I had done something wrong and technically I had...I pushed it too far. It is just that the line keeps moving up it seems lately and that is kind of hard. I am reacting to it. Not where I want to try to push on it and push it back yet. But I am I think having problems learning where the line is right now. Also, my attitude sucks right now.

It is so on and off. On Friday night, I was very hmm susceptible to any Dominance and not even that...I just was more demure and submissive. Same on Sunday for a while but then by the time Nick called I did not want to give it.

But I have also thought it might be just a reaction with him right now because of some things swirling around in my head. And I do not like that to happen.

He then "told" me to go to bed after our phone call last night....something else he has been doing more lately.....telling me to do certain things. I am just really confused why it is all happening now.

So just a few things swirling around in my in head.

Tomorrow night is an outing with the girls. And Thursday I have 2 things scheduled. I need to do SMART things and then finish cleaning so that it is perfect for when Kam has someone staying this weekend.

I guess I will sign off and go clean...wooo hooo I know totally exciting.

Monday, June 10, 2002

Smackdown & Monday Mission

Smackdown and Monday Mission

This will be very fast.....short answers....

The Smackdown question is body hair.....

I shave....answers that lol

Monday Mission.....

1. Do you have a side of the bed on which you prefer to sleep? Do you sleep on that side even when traveling or does it matter?

I sleep diagonally across the bed and will be a bitch when I have...eventually I hope....start sleeping with someone lol

2. What is your favorite "Theme Park?" How come and when was the last time you were there?

Don't like theme parks...but I have never been to Disney Land.....sooo lol

3. What is your most and least favorite thing about staying in hotels?

most that I have someone to make the bed and clean the toilet and least that it is a new bed and hard to get used to

4. Did you ever take family vacations that required looooooong car rides? Were siblings involved ("Stop touching me! Don't cross this line!)? Were the trips just unbearable or did you make up some "car ride games" to pass the time?


Family of 5 - 3 I had 2 sisters and it got cramped and uncomfortable and whiny lol

5. With all the drilled peep-holes and spy-cams we hear about on the news, have you ever felt self-conscious about taking off your clothes in a hotel bathroom? Has wondering if someone was on the other side of that mirror on the wall above the dresser made you think twice about "gettin' busy?"

Nope...but I would not like to be filmed without my consent. No never thought about that.

6. Describe the most romantic vacation you have ever taken or if that does not apply ;) (), tell me about the worst vacation you have ever taken.

Most romantic I have written about was with Jim. It was to Colorado. We had a great condo with a Jacuzzi in a bay window that looked over a stream, mountains as our was wonderful. It was our 5 year wedding anniversary...and he did all the romantic touches too.....ruby ring in a glass of champagne.....rose petals on the bed.....a rose everyday when he woke me up with breakfast. Jim was very romantic....something I actually took for granted.

Worst vacation as child camping with my family and it rained and rained....packed up everything quick got a mouse in the car with us - 3 screaming cold wet girls in the backseat with a fun for my Dad huh?

7. (continued) After a full tummy and four days of sleep, I'd say I've never felt better. Since it is nearly noon, how about you come over and we'll hang out on the deck. I have a pool, hot tub and lotsa eats and drink. But feel free to bring whatever else you think we need! How should we spend this fine afternoon at the pool?

Just relaxing and chatting....I love a good conversation and just to hang out and relax.

BONUS: Have you got it, do you get it, if so, how often?

have not got it in a while....used to get it a lot.....when first here in ohio as much as 3 to 5 times a day. but of course that is different now.

Saturday, June 08, 2002


Music: Jennifer Lopez

I am home from the Flea Market and it was a lot of fun. I just had a nice time chatting with the wonderful ladies I went with.....although I was kind of out of it today - as I took some sinus medicine before we went and I think it kind of made me feel like I was in a daze almost.

I signed online and Nick was there....he and I did voice chat. I am in a slaphappy mood as I am tired and he was in an especially Dominant mood and my feisty slaphappy whiny pouting behavior was being shot down LOTS :) Which felt good to me. But it was still playful and I knew in a moments notice with his voice if he really were want me to stop all the way he would tell that tone he gets. Usually I am a good girl...well pretty good.

I can think of one time I was in a sassy mood because I was mad at him. And so instead of talking about it at first, I shot back quips that were not very hmm nice. And he caught it right away but his Dominance was more subtle for that....all he said is that won't happen here. And the tone was serious but not...I mean I could tell he was very serious when he said it but kind of making it joke back to my quip. And so I stopped, started crying because I knew I had disappointed him and then I confessed that I was upset with some things so we talked it out.

I remember the day where I would not have told…just got quiet. I am so glad I don't do that anymore.
He made me feel wanted today.

There is something he has told me I have to do and right now I don't have the money for it. And he has asked me about it a few times and my answer has been as soon as I have the money for it I will do it. I know that he wants this done. But part of me is getting very uneasy with how much he has asked about this. I have never got what he wants me to get to this date - before I met him - before he asked for this - because of some things in my past. But my fears have been pretty much calmed - until lately when he has asked me about it every time we talked. And not sure but it just gives me a little uneasiness. Something I am going to have to address with him...I guess.

I have some work to do and then maybe I will watch a DVD and go to bed. That would be nice. I really need to write a couple emails but I am so tired...and they are all emails that need me to be focused.

I will write more tomorrow....lots of things bobbing around in this head :)


Well, I am just doing a quickie! LOL

Last night I went to Carpe Diem's informal and had a very nice time. I sat with Moni and Michael and someone special to them (who I am just growing to love..she is such a sweetie.) I also sat next to most of the night someone who might need a name soon if I keep running into her like this lol :) I knew she was going to be there. The Female Dominant that I talked about in Friday's blogger entry. Her, her husband and then her poly family were there. She made me blush which surprised me lol I had told her the night before that I don't wear panties sooooooo she brought up something about that and it made me blush a lot. Which the people at that table especially her husband know how easy I blush! LOL

Her husband ended up giving me a big hug right before he left and I thought for a moment I was going to cry as he said some things to me - all good - that just made me feel better. They both have made me feel very at ease with them now...and I am very happy about that. I have always liked both of them so much so I am so glad we are able to get past - the past.

I thought of Jackie lots last night. She came to a few of the informals with Kam and there were 2 young girls that looked kind of like her. Plus....seeing all the girl-girl relationships going on there last night made me miss having a girlfriend a lot.

I came home to sign online and go through mail and such and then talked to Mistress DM for a little while. I told her I feel like I am forming good friendships all over again. She was happy for me. And then Kam, who had been on the phone when I got home, came out of his room and we chatted for a little bit before I started to fall asleep. I am up early now because I am going to a Flea Market out in Amish Country with submissives from a group here.

I am sure it is going to be a nice day! :) So I better go and get dressed....just sitting here drip drying :)

Enlightenment--that magnificent escape from anguish and ignorance--never happens by accident. It results from the brave and sometimes lonely battle of one person against his own weaknesses. -Bhikkhu Nyanasobhano, "Landscapes of Wonder"

Friday, June 07, 2002

All over the place

Music: A mix of Vanessa Carlton, Innocence Mission, The Calling, REM, Sixpence, and Michelle Branch

Started at 10am Friday June 7th

Well, beware this post my be out there lol and all over the place…

First topic - The Dominant that I met last week. He has been very patient and he does desire the same things I want. Hear a “but”…well the “but” is me. I have something stopping me. I can’t figure it out. But because I am not jumping in with both feet with this… that means something is not right and I need to think about it more. Let me clarify, I analyze things always but there are times I just have this thing in front of me and give it a few thoughts here and there and then just do it. But this time it was different and I am sure I have not figured out completely why it is different…yet. But do have some ideas. So, anyway I was suppose to go to his place yesterday and because of a series of mishaps I could not make it. So, last night after being out with some friends (which will be my next topic), I came home to an email that I probably needed. I mean he is figuring me out very well. I know why I got “that” email because he knew it was needed for me to jump. But I did not jump. I backed up from the ledge…I have been sick since yesterday basically and it is not the flu. It is because I feel off. I have tried to figure it out but I can’t completely. And so because I am basically making myself sick… I wrote an email I am not even sure I wanted to write but felt it was necessary. One basic reason was for him - he does not need me waffling. I hate to waffle back and forth and know how it feels when someone waffles…so I figured it would be easier if I just not jump and make the decision not too. I am waffling also so that means something…I am not sure what…but it has to mean something.

Last night I went out with a group of ladies from a group I belong to and I told one woman that I had someone who I met who I was thinking of playing with and told her how I was kind of feeling. I always have layers to reasons why I feel something. I never just have one clear cut reason why something is a certain way for me. Right now my thing is that I don’t want another play partner. I want a relationship and really this is I believe the main reason I am not going forward with him. I think of the type of long term relationship I want and yes I would like the things he offers in play - humiliation especially, but I want more at this time in my life. And anything else just does not feel right. I have had play partners and I have bottomed and I just want more at this time in my life. Now I thought when he and I first started talking that I would be able to get past that…by knowing that the long term relationship that I want....I will have some day and just get the need for pain and my dark desires met through him - because as Nick told me one night this week there is some things he won’t do. So, basically the message I feel I get from Nick is “get those met now, because with me...I won’t do those things.” Nick and I have talked about what if’s…and what if he and I are together and I have a need or even a want that he does not meet what would happen. And he is very open-minded and says we will figure out a way to get that need met for you.

So, when I started talking with this other Dominant, my mind was trying to wrap around the idea that this was just for fun. But I have been having problems getting that straight in my mind...because I desire 24/7 Master/slave relationship so much. Things feel off and I know it has nothing to do with him. I think actually he would get in my mind and do the things I crave…and bring out that part in me that is dark and wanting. So, everything he offers for someone to be a play partner with is great. I am very lucky. So what is the big deal? Why can’t I just jump? And accept it for what it is?

Not sure but that is where things stand right now.

I also have not written about him and feelings with our conversations and I know that actually has bothered me. It feels like part of me has to be closed off and he did not tell me I could not talk about him but there are reasons why I have not wrote about him or the feeling surrounding him.

Thursday evening - As I said above last night I met some ladies from one group I belong to. We had fun… I think the group of men behind us all gay gentlemen increased our fun. There was bantering back and forth between the tables and it was fun. It was just nice to be out after my terrible day yesterday. Last night up to that point was not great either so I was just happy to finally get there and sit down and relax.

I was happy to especially see one woman. I respect and admire her…and that just increases more and more each time I talk to her. She is just a great Dominant and woman. I like her beliefs in D/s and BDSM. We talked about some things that were hard to talk about for me but needed to be said. And actually I had meant to talk to her and her husband both at some point, but I hate confrontation and even though it was not anything bad to them...I needed to say some things just basically clear the air…it still is a hard step to take.

Stopped at 11am Friday June 7th… started again 6:30pm Friday June 7th…

Nick - I have been so busy this week and so has he that we have not been able to connect like we usually do. I know that I have also pulled back from him a little. Because my feelings on everything seem so jumbled right now. I miss him though. He left me a voice mail message today. It was just nice to even hear his voice there. Silly huh? He wrote me a little email Wednesday evening telling me to be safe on Thursday when I was suppose go see that Dominant. He always is concerned about my safety. Since I will be busy tomorrow and so will he told me to call on Sunday.

Confession - I made a confession this morning to Linda and so now I feel free to write about it. lol She felt it was very sweet. The other night Monseigneur E told me something and I was truly ecstatically happy for both him and Linda after what he told me. I literally screamed out loud and clapped my hands like a little girl seeing something exciting lol Anyway, I joined a list they are both on I read a post by Linda it was just a few lines about the same Monseigneur E told me and burst into tears. I was happy for them but had a BIG moment of envy hit me. I am little slow at times and it surprised me in how I reacted so strongly. But that seems to be the case with them. I can think of a few times where things said…talked about with one or the other and I have reacted strongly about. Just like the other day I wrote about a conversation that I thought I might have offended them and that night went to bed worrying about that…as the thought of disappointing or hurting either one of them hurts. I remember not to long ago I told Monseigneur E something that I had done and he was surprised I did what I did and told me he was sure I would do the right thing. Uggghhh That was hard to hear from him. And what did I do? lol I took care of it right away and set it right. I mean right away, he and I signed offline and I went and took care of it. It went well too so he was right on that too as he had told me it would all work out.

BDSM Community - I am active in the BDSM community…on one of the list I am on a woman was talking about how her vanilla friends have been more supportive of her Master/slave relationship then those in the BDSM community. And she is on a list that has similar beliefs I do. She believes in being enslaved. It is a process - enslavement and that is where people in the bdsm community I think lose that fact. They don’t get it is a PROCESS that takes a while. That is built on trust and truth. Anyway, reading this girls post I knew how she felt as I have felt like a freak among the freaks many times lol

Validation/Compliments - another list was talking about being thanked and validation. I like to be thanked but it is something that is not needed after everything I do, but every once in a while is nice so that I know the things I am doing is appreciated. I usually at the beginning of a relationship need validation because my insecurities. The topic of compliments came up too and I don’t like getting compliments. I do but I feel very uncomfortable when I get them. I get flustered and don’t know how to respond. And all I need to say is thank you but I almost want to say oh no…I am not whatever they say I am. But, I do need compliments, I think about Jim when we were first dating and married he gave me compliments a lot but later he did not. And the reason he stopped he told me was because I would say oh no or roll my eyes at him. And he got sick of me arguing with him about it. And that is sad that I did that.

Bad Habits - Procastination, layered reasons/arguments, not taking compliments. See there a few more and I am sure there are still MORE lol

Weekly update - This week has been busy doing SMART things. We are having a Bizarre Bazaar. It is a Dominant Auction/Slave Auction, Kinky Carnival, and then a Play Party. The Female Submissive group that I belong to is doing a bake sale and that is the part I am charge of…and it looks like it has come along good now. We have quit the selection of bake goods now. I am very thankful to all that are helping out with that! Today, I cleaned house some and then tonight is Carpe Diem’s informal that I will be getting ready to go to after I write this entry. And then tomorrow is a fem sub outing from early early in the morning until early evening. And then Sunday is another meeting. So, this week has been filled with meetings and get-togethers all week. But I like being busy. Next week, I need to really get the house in order as we might have a guest staying with us. Well, she is more then a guest but not sure how to write about her, yet : )

I better go and get ready to go out… I might not be posting until Sunday. Maybe tomorrow night but who knows with me lol

Leave with a quote that I found and like…

The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one often comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't. - Henry Ward Beecher

Thursday, June 06, 2002

Journal SMACKdown! #2

Bad Habits

diet coke - this is a habit that has kind of decreased over the years due to Sir Laz mostly :) I used to drink about 6 to 8 and now I drink about 2 to 3. When I stayed with Sir Laz and aydeen, Sir Laz put a limit on how many I could have while there. So, that made me start to cut down.

biting my nails - I bit my nails. I bit them when I am bored mostly.

eating when on edge - I will eat when I am anxious. I munch.

not letting go of things - I tend to hang on to things LOL I know an understatement! I have problems letting go of people, things, events and so on. I just don't like to let go.

overly sensitive - I am overly sensitive. This really goes up and down. I mean I will go from where it seems like I don't have any feelings and then when I am very sensitive. I let my guard down and am more sensitive with some people because I trust them....such as Nick.

overly loyal - I am overly loyal. There are people who have come into my life that just don't deserve loyalty and even if they were to call me up and say they needed me I probably would be there for them but of course I would be very guarded.

I am sure there are others but these are good for now :)

Journal SMACKdown! #1

I am on a list that when Jane updates her journal, I am notified by email. I am up because I had a nightmare of course and so now I can't get back to sleep. I opened my email box and saw that Jane had updated her journal so went over to read it. I read the first paragraph and the question she had.....but not the rest of the journal entry yet because I want to play along with this also......Kismet and Jette's June Journal SMACKdown but don't want to be influenced by how she answers the question :)

It started - it looks like - yesterday. I am not going to list my journal with them as I am not into competition, but I do like questions you know :)

So, first question is......How do you think other people perceive you?

The first thing that came to mind was someone telling me last year that I cared too much what people thought of me. I think I do worry about how people perceive me but I really don't think I worry more then anyone else.

I think about it but I don't. I mean there are things I don't post because I don't want to hurt someone’s feelings or what not but there other things that it strains to much in me not to post because it does not feel like I am being true to myself if I don't. But if people like me or not......well, I want people to like me of course but not everyone is going to and those who do attitude is basically...well it is your loss then.

The other thing that pops to my mind that I get told a lot is that people say I am real. I take that as great compliment when people tell me that because it is VERY hard to just be myself at times. There are things I don't like about myself and I basically try to own them and if they bother me a lot well then it is my responsibility to change them.

Emails I get from readers of my journal have said.....a lot of different things. Number one thing that people tend to that I am courageous.

Most of my friends are in the lifestyle and they all think....I believe....that I am kind of out there in my D/s and BDSM beliefs. They think I am opinionated. :) They also think I am kind, compassionate, loyal, honest, passionate and sensual.

Nick thinks I am emotional and a tree hugging liberal and still likes me....imagine that. lol I believe he thinks I am compassionate, loyal and passionate also. And of course he thinks I am real.

My parents I know feel I am a free spirit....that I love life and not things.And that I just go where life kind of carries me.

I can think of a couple people who I know feel I have a holier-then-thou attitude and am selfish. :) And I think because I am true to myself and don't back down on that - it definitely can come across that way.

The people that worked for me, most of them at least, I think would say I am kind - would have gave them the shirt of my back and helped them anyway I could and that was true. Also say that I made them feel safe.

I think overall - people just perceive me as a good person....who is trying to find my dream.

And I just thought of this quote when I wrote the word dream......

"Hope is a waking dream." -- Aristotle

Wednesday, June 05, 2002


This is my horoscope for today...Thursday.....

This is sooooooooooooooooo true!

LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): There can be a dilemma around what is public and what is private in your life. You feel strongly about something, but may not want to get involved, for it can require you to make statements about your own personal beliefs or habits that are not, in your mind, for public consumption.

Quick Update and Slave vs Submissive (and Bottoms too)

Music: The Verve - Urban Hymns

Busy busy week :)

I just wanted to do a quick journal entry before I have to get going to a meeting.

Right now I have a jumble of feelings I am trying to sort out. Yesterday morning I had some envy going on I tried to write about what caused it and how I felt but I was not doing a very good job of it. I try often to pretend feelings aren't there that are there. And I don't like that I do that. Some areas I get better at not doing that then others.

I chatted with Nick last night for a little bit. I sent him a "scene report" basically for Saturday night. He said he enjoyed it. My talk with him was nice but because my feelings are so jumbled and he is in the mixture of it...I felt that holding back. He felt it too because he mentioned that I was not my normal usual self.

I am trying to decide how, what or if to write about the Dominant I met the last week. I want to but there are some other influences here - with why I am not writing about him yet.

I need to sign off...but I just wrote this post today and thought I would post it here too....

Beware this is MY opinions and how *I* do things....and probably not the norm - but when am I ever normal lol

Slave vs. Submissive (and Bottoms too)


Basic thing....a slave is owned. I am not a slave because I am not owned. I believe people have slave qualities and some don’t but end up being slaves even if they are not owned. Is there more to it then that? Yes, absolutely. To me…to be a slave it is a mentality as well an emotional bond with the Master.

*To me a slave is owned.
*Rights? No but a right to voice opinion yes.
*Limits? Yes I believe a slave can have hard limits if that is what how the relationship is set up.
*Right to say no? I think that is kind of a semantics thing with me. If I were a slave and said no to my Master, I should know that consequence before saying no. But I also believe it is wording to me. When I was a slave and did not want to do what was asked…I would be on my way to do what my Master said but ask if I could express my opinion and preference on whatever he said to do. And then usually he told me to stop and express and then would go on from there. He would go over my feelings and decided what was best for me and for him. To me a Master can’t make an informed decision without all the info. Okay an example that is out there but only thing I can think of at this moment lol…. lets say the Master tells slave to eat all the white powder off a plate on the counter. Well yesterday that plate had powered sugar but today it has rat poisoning and the Master does not know this but the slave does. The slave should inform her Master of that.

To become a slave to me is a process of enslavement. Showing the slave that nothing is hers anymore…that she is his and all that she is his.


Pretty much the same….as a slave to me only process different and level of feelings are different.

*Rights are negotiated - such as if I have a job that takes up lots of my time and get called on meetings and such at a moments notice…as a submissive I feel I have the right to do what is in the best interest of me - so if such as I was suppose to be meeting my Dominant at 6pm and work things come up - I should be polite in calling and telling him. But it is *telling*…not requesting. As a slave I should tell my Master work things came up and it his right to tell me to come anyway or not - knowing my Master will know the consequences if I leave. But it is *his* decision. As a submissive it is *mine.*
*Limits - I believe I have the right to hard limits as I did as a slave.
*Right to say no? No, I don’t feel as a submissive I can say no but that is FOR ME and how I do D/s.

Now I am adding one more category….

Bottom/Play Partners

*Rights? Yes absolutely. I have the right to stop a scene or stop control the Dominant might have over me at anytime. Such as I have had play partners that controlled my orgasms when not with them, but I started having other partners so I discussed with him that was something that was not working out now that I had other partners also.
*Limits? Yes soft and hard and all that is in between
*Right to say no? Hell yeah lol : )

I can come and go and do as please as a bottom.

I have been in all 3 types of relationships....and they have been what worked for me.
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