Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Degrade Me

Okay so I was reading a post by a FetLife member. If you have never read her posts, read her blog or seen her pictures - and you like humiliation and degradation - go now and look. I don't think you will be disappointed. Anyway, I recently read a post by her and it felt like I an echo of something long ago. And every so often I have went back and read it. And I finally tracked down why it sounds so familiar....feels familiar. I wrote something very similar in August of 2002. It wasn't posted here. It was posted in a private journal.

So here it is from August 16, 2002...

I want to be feeling that darkness inside that brings me to the core. I don't want just a little humiliation that makes squirm. I don't want it to be "play" - No I want to FEEL it down to the core. I want to be slapped, kicked, hit - abused and told all the names that I hear...inside...fat, stupid, worthless pig. Fat - yes it is something I do want used against me. And it is hard to find that person that will say it and mean it and use it against me. Who will reduce me to tears through the truth. I want to fight, I want to lose it and scream I hate you.

Many have said they could do it. But really many haven't. Once I need to teach someone or even just tell someone what I desire - it takes something out of it. Inside I kind of go yeah right whenever I hear the words. It doesn't feel like it is being ripped from the depths of my darkness but just repetition of what I just stated. It is on the surface. I know it isn't fair to make someone be a mind-reader though so realistically I tell them. I tell them what I crave.

I tell them of wanting to be reduced and finding that place where tears flow freely because I feel the truth in the words. And I feel myself breaking from the truth. To that darkness at the core that will finally be quieted by the truth. And I can accept it and surrender to the lowest place of all.

I wait and wait for it. They contact me and says they want to do those horrible things to me but no one touches the truth in me. I long for it...a desire waiting and burning inside. I get angry and feel it ready to claw out. I want to find someone to rip it out of me - laugh at me - and force me to see it.

Please someone do it...degrade me, hurt me, use me, abuse me.....rip the darkness out and laugh at me. Please I beg do it to me now.

***Edit to add this was written before I became Master's property. So it isn't written to him or because of him.

Monday, June 29, 2009


My answer from questions on FetLife about...isolation...again...

are you isolated? yes

In what fashion has your master isolated you in the past? When I walked in the door for the first time, my id, bank card, cash - basically whole purse was given to him. In the 6 years of living with him that hasn't changed. He controls those.

For a while when first here....all my clothes were locked in a closet. Was caged often, was chained to the bed. Cut off from tv, newspaper, phone and the computer. Wasn't allowed to leave for longer periods of time. Most of that has changed but still go through periods where it is like that.

Current things in place... I don't have a job outside Master's home.

I have to get permission to make any phone calls - even if it is to call in a perscription or call for hours to a store. All family and friends that calls, he answers the phone and then decides if I am allowed to talk to them (and sometimes I am not). Most of my lifestyle friends usually get okay to call first by writing me and asking if I have time for a phone call.

All snail mail addressed to me - either get opened by him first or if it doesn't I have to get permission to open it.

I don't leave the house without permission and it is a very very rare occasion when I leave the house without him.

I don't have local vanilla friends, we have local vanilla "couple" friends that we do things every so often. And I know they think I am odd - mostly because I don't have a career. So they are very quiet towards me. I don't have local lifestyle friends either because there is no formal community here.

When I was first here, he had a password for the computer and I didn't know it. So he would sign me on open the windows I was allowed to be in and then limit my time. After a while, he allowed the computer back into my life more. Now my computer time is pretty free. And it can't interfere with my focus on him. If it does, it is taken away.

When I moved to be with him, I had a car and we got rid of it. So I have no car. I rarely drive. Master just has me drive enough so that I "remember" how in case of an emergency.

Did you like the isolation and trapped feeling? Most of the time I like it. Especially at the beginning I loved it. There are times now where I miss things I used to do in my life before Master. I belonged to a book club. I did lots of activist type activities. The town I lived in before Master has a very active lifestyle community and I was a part of that. So I really went from being a social butterfly to being cut off from everything and everyone. And yes at times I miss that. Other time I wish and crave more isolation.

What is the purpose of isolation? slow me down as before Master I was going and going and going with one thing after another to do, help gain focus, to create a dependency on him

Was it unintentional? (i.e. the slave just letting everything else in their life go because of hyper-focusing on situation/relationship in front of them) It was intentional. Some of the side-effects were unintentional.

What are some benefits to isolation? I think for us it helped create the foundation of our relationship. It helped create no other choice for me but surrender and obey. I know it would have taken a lot a longer if I had worked outside the home and had lots of interaction with people.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Words...Part 4

Some more words....

Artistic - As a little girl, I would draw, cut, paste, paint...just create in anyway allowed. And it is one thing that I have always felt I would have in my life no matter what. Because it was just hard to ignore it. But I did push it aside for people in my life. And I regret that I allowed that to happen. I am thankful for Master nudging me back into it. And grateful for his encouragement and support of artistic side.

Girly - (Another) As a little girl, I loved to dress in skirts. I wore pants but preferred skirts or dresses. And if I did wear pants - I still looked girly in pinks and purple, ribbons in my hair...just several little things giving that girly touch. And so through the years that really didn't change. Now I often though I do girly in different ways - to feel sexy and feminine. Red satin and lace often make me feel very girly and sexy.

I can get dirty or messy but I don't like most of the time. I have to be in the right mood or frame of mind. Like going out to do yard work I know I will get dirty. Taking a day trip where we might stop and walk around in the wilderness - I know I might be clomping around on a dirt trail. But if I am out and about doing errands and step in a puddle or drip something on my blouse - I can't stand it. I am one of those girls that doesn't leave the house without make up. If I am going into a store or out around people, then I need a least a little make up on - some mascara and lip gloss at the minimum.

Enthusiastic - I am not sure I would characterize myself as enthusiastic. I tend to throw myself into new projects so maybe get a little excited about them. Or maybe I do get enthusiastic of course about things that I am passionate about. And a couple of things are my friends, the lifestyle and my art. I am sure there are other things but those are the first things that came to mind.

Strength - Sometimes I see my strength and other times I don't see it at all. I am sure it is like that for most people. I know I have gotten through some tough time and know my strength helped me get through those times. But I also think I have a strength in my slavery. I have a strength that I didn't have before Master. I strength of awareness in who I am.

Individuality - Again not sure it is a word I would use to describe myself. I know that by leading the life I do - it isn't something a lot of people would do/enjoy and I also know that how I do it isn't something a lot would enjoy. But it works for me. But the main reason I wouldn't use this word for myself is because I am so intertwined with Master. It often feels like I am not an individual.

Friday, June 26, 2009

His Job?

Read on fetlife...That it the Master's job to make the slave feel good about submitting.

hmmmmm I don't agree with that....

It is not his job to me to make me feel anything...even good about submitting. We might have jobs or responsibilities in the relationship to keep it going and meeting the mutual goals of the relationship. But it isn't his job to make me happy.

There are moments when we all have problems, miscommunication and even doubts. All relationships stumble and hit bumps. But I don't feel that falls to him to make me feel better so I can submit. Of course he often helps me get through things that are hard for me but I bend to him - he doesn't bend to me. I submit and bend because it fulfills something in me. Of course I am most fulfilled when I am able to submit to his authority. And that makes me feel good. When I get through something that was hard to submit to - it makes me feel even better than good. It makes me smile. So in a weird way even the hard things that don't make me feel good in the moment - in the end make me silly happy.

I am wired to submit - it is my orientation. I am responsible for me and my happiness and submitting in ways that make me happy. If the relationship I was in wasn't fulfilling in ways that made me happy or good then...it is time to look at why. And most likely that would a case of mis-matched compatibility as I had in past relationships. And obviously I figured that out and now am in a fulfilling relationship. We have a responsibility to ourselves to find the right relationship that works for us. We can't expect to pin the responsibility of our happiness on another person. It is up to us to find what makes us happy and make that abundant in our lives.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Words...Part 3

Some more words....there will be a few more posts of these too...I like them as they give me something to write about when my brain isn't working because of a long migraine cycle....

domestic - I think that if you would have asked me I would enjoy being domestic 20 years ago I would have said no way. Then 10 years ago I would have said umm maybe with the thought that I might have been crazy. When I became Master's 6 years ago, we discussed right away me being a stay-at-home slave and serving him domestically. And it did make me nervous. When I was in the poly household in Cleveland - I started out very good in domestic service. But then taking care of 6 people ended up stressing me and burning me out. Especially people who would spill kool-aid on the floor and not think about cleaning it up but leaving it for me hours or days later when I found it. So I gave up. And so that made me nervous when going to try it for Master but from the start - seeing how it helped him and pleased him made me feel good. Now at times it is just cleaning the toilet. I still know it helps that I do those things but I don't get that overjoyed feeling I had at the beginning very often. Now it is just cleaning the toilet. :) Not that is a bad thing. I think that those everyday things do add something to my life not matter the feeling in the moment. Right now despite all the talk I do on domestic things - it still is a struggle for me to balance with Master working at home. But I keep trying. And I guess that matters. Also right now with I think of the word domestic...I think of my Domestic Servitude blog. I am really enjoying the contributions of my co-bloggers. And I am enjoying shaping it - hopefully into something useful.

thoughtful - Well I take this as two things....thoughtful as in caring towards people and thoughtful as giving things great thought such as when I think about my M/s beliefs, spiritual beliefs and most everything in my life I try to give great thought to. The first thoughtful...I know that because I hold many people at arms length - I am sure don't come across as a thoughtful person at time. But I try hard to be thoughtful other people and what is going on with them. I am empathetic as well as sympathetic. And try to be there giving support and understanding to those that need.

hoods - Before I became Master's the thought of being in a hood didn't appeal to me. It scared me frankly. I didn't think I would like them.....but...Master of course changed that. He really worked me slowly into them to make them something I now crave and want to go further in. I am really happy he made it such a positive experience for me because now I can't imagine not playing with hoods. He likes them for different reasons then I do. He likes them because they are more objectifying. I like them because everything goes quiet. I slip into a floaty state almost instantly with them. Pictures of me in various hoods here.

pigtails - I associate pigtails with my little girl side. They make me feel like playing with dolls, coloring, watching Disney movies and snuggling with Daddy. Since getting my hair cut the last time I haven't been able to get it into a pony tail or pigtails. But just recently I now can get in a little pony tail and pigtails are no problem! yay!

redhead - My hair is naturally brown. I started dying my hair back when I lived with Caveman and Angel. I mostly did kind of a dark burgundy purplish color. But I had always wanted to be a redhead. Even as a little girl - redheaded girls always turned my head for more reasons then just wanting their hair color :) Morgan was a redhead...stunning redhead where people stopped and starred at her. Anyway, I always wanted to be a redhead so when I moved to be with Master and he told me he liked redheads so when I went to dye my hair the next time I asked him if he wanted me to do red and he said yes. So pretty much from then I have been a redhead - with occasional odd color thrown in such as magenta.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

A New Man

Just a daily update of life. I haven't done one of these in a very long time. But in reading my archives I did this a lot back in the day....so will try to get back into it every so often....

* I always forget how much I like season 4 of Buffy. I am not a fan of Riley but I like the majority of episodes of season 4.

* I just tried HeadOn for the first time. They had little tubes at Dollar Tree. I have wanted to try it but well thought $8 something that might not work seemed too much. I know silly when I suffer so many migraines - anything should be worth it. But sometimes I am not logical lol :) So anyway I tried it tonight and it is working pretty good. Not taking the pain completely away but relieving it quite a bit. Edit: As soon as it wears off the pain is back so it just masks it - which I kind of figured. At least it gave some relief for a bit. I actually think for traveling when I don't always have access to an ice pack it would be a good substitute.

* I have had a migraine cycle that has lasted over a week. Grrrr! (adding this link so I remember it...I found it tonight when doing that search for headon - http://www.migrainedaily.com/)

* Is there anything better then a purple sharpie? :)

* I am going out of town for 2 weeks in July to see my family. I have been making things slowly and putting them away in the freezer for quick meals for Master. Sloppy Joe Skillet, meatloaf, browned hamburger and something else I am not remembering at the moment. Tomorrow I will be making up some burgers, some enchiladas for dinner tomorrow and will freeze the rest in smaller batches for him and then grill some marinated chicken breasts so he can just thaw and warm up for pasta or salads. I have started an instructions list too. I will need to make sure I makeup another batch of breakfast burritos before I leave too. And maybe a couple loaves of bread.

* We have a friend coming to stay the first weekend in July. Master is going to a conference and on his way back will pick her up. I am really looking forward to being hostess! I am starting to make menus. I know for sure I will be making Creme Brulee French Toast - and this time I will take pictures so I can post on the domestic blog the process.

* I think I would like to make this for my Mom. My parents dine outside on their deck and entertain out there too so I think it would be a good gift for her.

* Trying to think of some small gift for my Dad and my sisters. I actually do have one for one of my sisters - a book and some little rubber stamps so she can make the clothes pin magnets I made at Christmas. She always says she is not creative and can't do things like that. I am going to show her that she can do them. (will unlock that entry for a bit)

* Currently Reading: Sacred Contracts: Awakening Your Divine Potential by Caroline Myss, The American Woman's Home by Catherine Beecher, The Flavor Bible: The Essential Guide to Culinary Creativity, Based on the Wisdom of America's Most Imaginative Chefs by Karen Page, Kitty and the Dead Man's Hand (Kitty Norville, Book 5) by Carrie Vaughn and A Homemade Life: Stories and Recipes from My Kitchen Table by Molly Wizenberg (Her blog is Orangette)

* So far this year I have read 80 books. I will maybe do a list of them soon. I did put a review up of one at domestic blog yesterday.

* Another reminder - I have mail love to go out.

* Added this to my daily reads - http://www.thelostprincess.com/

* Coldplay is offering free download of several songs - http://www.coldplay.com/

** A New Man is the title of the Buffy episode I was watching while writing this entry.

Words....Part 2

Princess - Princess is very much part of my little girl side. I like the things that associated with being a princess - shiny, tiaras, pretty pink, twirly skirts and glitter. And I just like Princesses...especially Belle from Beauty in the Beast. And Master indulges my princess side quite a lot. And I am very thankful he allows me to his princess. "I am a princess. All girls are. Even if they live in tiny old attics. Even if they dress in rags, even if they aren't pretty, or smart, or young. They're still princesses. All of us." ~ The Little Princess

Laughter - "The most wasted of all days is one without laughter." ~e.e. cummings
This is going to be kind of random...
* Master makes me laugh daily. He is very funny so makes me laugh quite a bit. And I am thankful for that laughter in our relationship.

* The other night I was reading book 9 of the Stephanie Plum series and I started to laugh so hard that I woke up Master. But I couldn't stop laughing the scene I was reading was so funny that I was shaking the bed. Master threatened to take the book away from me. For those curious of the scene it is Lula on her all meat diet and she is being chased by the dogs.

* I smiled with this word because I associate laughter with the person that gave me these words. Because when her and I talk we laugh often. And I am very thankful for her friendship and that she makes me laugh!

Hearth - "The ordinary arts we practice every day at home are of more importance to the soul than their simplicity might suggest." ~ Thomas Moore

Hearth the symbol for home life. But for me also now a symbol of domestic service. When I was a little girl, I dreamed of being a big city girl living her dream of being an artist. Not married. Hearth and home weren't parts of my growing up dream. When I got married, then that nesting instinct kicked in for me. But it is Master who has really allowed me to explore my love of all things Hearth and Home. When I became Master's, he really liked the idea of having me at home. I was worried it wouldn't be satisfying. But really it was from the start. I could see how much Master enjoyed it and so for me it became even more of a draw. Being of domestic service to me is not just about keeping the house clean, it is also about creating a haven for for Master. It is my hope that his home is a place to retreat and rest from the pressures of the hectic outside world.

Mouse - "Fear grows in darkness; if you think there's a bogeyman around, turn on the light." ~ Dorothy Thompson

Mouse equals fear for me. I don't like to see mice in movies, commercials, photos....I don't like rubber mice...or cat toys that look like mice....the thought of mice....writing about them as I am....will make me jumpy the rest of the day and possible nightmares. That is how scared of mice I am.

When I was just a little girl of 2 or 3, we lived in a house that had mice, mice mice every where. Yes I know it is odd that I remember something from that little - I think because it was so scary to me that it stuck. It was rental house as my dad was transferred quite a bit those first years of working with the company he works with even to this day. The house had a dirt cellar. One that could be accessed from the inside of the house but also from outside cellar doors. Our house backed fields...thus we had lots of field mice in our house. When we would play on the floor, the mice would be running around the edges of the living room. When my Mom would open cupboards, they would sitting there. When I slept, they at times ran over me. When I opened my drawers, they jumped out at me.

So I am very scared of them...even after all these years. Logic doesn't seem to play into it - I am bigger them....yeah that is true but even as typing this and thinking of them I shivered. It doesn't matter that I am bigger then them. It doesn't matter that they are probably "more" scared of me then I am of them (I doubt that they are though). I know they are teeny tiny. I don't like them. I am scared of them. It is irrational that I still have this fear after all these years.

Here is my account of when we had mice and then Master's which is funnier. And reading both and retelling the story I can laugh about it but believe me - last night when we came home and Caesar was acting weird - I came running to Master to protect me. (No mouse not sure why he was acting weird.)

Muse - “The muse ushers the artist into the empty room and points silently at the tightrope.” - Jean Cocteau

My muse for my art sometimes feels like that....especially after not creating in a while and getting back into it. It is like I am going to have to walk a tightrope. It feels scary and almost too scary to try again. I walk to it and look down seeing all the things that can go wrong or are wrong. I see all the fears - hearing that voice inside that says..."why even bother it isn't good anyway"...."how can you call yourself an artist - you are lying to everyone and especially yourself." I wish I could accept my muse as is and not allow the voices to over shadow it.

I don't feel that the muse only comes to me with art. But also I feel it in other areas of my life. Mostly in domestic service...or just service in general. I don't always act on it though and that bothers me. But again it goes to that tightrope thing. I get scared I am going to fail. Or that how can I call myself a service slave and so on.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Words....Part 1

I have been doing this meme with some friends where they give me 5 words that come to mind to describe me and then I write about the words.

So here are some of the words I have been given and my thoughts on them....

Beautiful - I know why she picked this word. But not sure I agree with her. :) I have many beautiful things in my life...living in such a beautiful place...Colorado is just breath taking, roses sitting here on my desk from Master that he got me just because, art, the rain, friends and family and love. Many more beautiful things in my life.

Captive - Master always says I am his willing captive. My first months with Master, I felt like a captive (willing) because my clothes were locked up, my id and so many things that say freedom were taken away. And many of those things are still in place. Yes nothing tangible is stopping me from walking out the door. But there are things inside that make it feel like I can't and that is all that matters to me.

Polyamorus - Poly is one of those things that has just always felt natural to me. As a little girl I drew floor plans for houses that had more then one bedroom for the "wives." I don't know where I got idea that a person could have more than one wife as I was never exposed to anything like it. I would dream up stories to go along with the floor plans - dream of stories of the people that lived there. And it was always good feelings of cooking together with other co-wives and laughing. Just lots of love and laughter in the house. So when I was exposed to poly within the BDSM community - I really didn't blink or think twice about it being right for me. Because I knew it was right for me. It has always been very easy for me to give love - unconditional love. I know what we seek is really hard to find. We live in a smaller town so finding that "special" someone that feels right and good in our life is really like finding a needle in a haystack. But it doesn't make me want to give up.

Vulnerable - Definition of vulnerable is susceptible to criticism, susceptible to physical or emotional injury. And I know my lifestyle does leave me susceptible to criticism. For the most part I ignore it. Every once in a while it bugs me though. And yes hurts my feelings. But since reading over my archives the last week - I can say without a doubt I am not as vulnerable as I once was. I just feel I don't expose myself as I once did because frankly I am not as screwed up as I once was....back then it was easier to hurt me since there were so many open wounds to poke.

Generous - I have a big heart that cares very easily about people, causes...life. So I tend to give a lot. Since being Master's though I know I hold more people at arms length and don't give as much of myself or my time. I give what I can and hope that everyone understands - it is the best I can do.

These words were from Master...

DVDs - Master and I are both pretty obsessive about movies. We have over 500 DVD titles. When I work (coding websites, creating graphics or doing art), I need noise so even just listening to a movie is a good thing. It helps me move faster for some reason. Something I do though that Master doesn't do is - I get stuck on a movie or tv series. Such as recently Master bought me Sex and the City and I have been watching it OVER and OVER and OVER.

hip/chic/contemporary - Obviously he cheated giving me multiple words as one pick but he is Master so....I won't point that out to him. :) But I did have to ask Master what he meant by these words. Because I don't associate myself with them at all. He does though. So I get why he gave them to me - many things I like and enjoy fit those words. But I am such a weird person because I seem to like so many different styles - be it fashion, decorating and even when cooking. Because I like so many different styles - I think is why I don't feel the words fit me.

Just a few different kitchen designs I like...

I took a quiz about my decorating style and it said: Lean back and relax in a space that welcomes the modern but trades stainless steel for the natural. Your tastes include the Frank Lloyd Wright-inspired. Your sensitivity to materials and a natural setting meets with a contemporary bent in home styles like Mission, Prairie and Arts & Crafts. When making your cabinet selection, consider birch as a clean and modern wood species. Choose details like geometric forms, art glass, contrasting textures and lines, and forged and wrought iron pulls.

And really that does fit my most often picked decorating style.

I think I love many things that are hip, chic and/or contemporary but often I feel they don't fit into my life. I may look at a very chic dress but know living in the town we do there is no reason to have that dress. So my practical side wins out over my hip, chic or contemporary side.

February - February has many meanings for me. February is the month I first met Master, stayed with him a month and it also is the month he claimed me as his. It a month that has created so many good memories. My favorite of course I have written about many many times...when Master claimed me as his....

Master just pulled that chain out of his pocket and put it around my neck. He locked it in place. No words...he didn't ask me. He didn't tell me. He just claimed me. It was intense and wonderful. I still remember it so clearly and still feel all the feelings I did then.

*photo is from that month I stayed with Master and is the chain he placed around my neck to claim me. So the photo is over 6 years old.

dark thoughts - I really go up and down with my dark thoughts/dark desires. Sometimes I think about them all the time and other times I don't. I often have thoughts about blood but I am such a wimp with blood. I see pictures Bootpig's pictures on FetLife and drool and squirm but I know that even the smell of blood makes me light headed. Although I am isolated - I often think of it on other levels in my fantasies. Not let out of the house for longer times. I enjoy the thoughts of long term confinement in the closet or cage. There are other things but harder for me to explain here in words. But for the most part they often contain humiliation.

Blogging - I have been blogging for 9 years in October. I sometime don't share much and other times I share things I don't say out-loud but do in words on my blog. It just is what ever comes out. I also after this long of blogging don't share things I am surprised I don't. I don't share our SM/sex life as much as I thought I would. I don't share some of my really happy moments in slavery but mostly it is because it is the moment and by the time I sit down - I just can't capture it in words. But over all it does show my thoughts on a very wide range of topics and it is my place to hash those out.

Monday, June 15, 2009

"I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then"

I was searching for something in my blogger - really have been for 2 days on and off - not found it yet. Anyway, I found that a post I made in 2002 was showing up in 2003. So far I haven't found others like that but I have almost 9 years of posts so a little hard to go through them all.

But I have went through a few months and started labeling some that hadn't been. I added titles as it just makes it easier when reading to see where one ends and the other begins. Blogger didn't have labeling or titles when it first came out so that is why those first few years don't have those things already.

I started with December 2001 because well I mean to start with December 2002 (the entry above) but somehow I clicked on 2001 instead of 2002. I went from December 2001 back to July 2001. Damn I posted a lot back then!

That time in my life...wow....fucked up and neurotic seem to sum up my state for the most part. I was talking with Nick online and totally gaa-gaa over him. He could do no wrong except - well almost no wrong. He put up with a lot of crap with me. It was post-Todd so that is why I am mostly neurotic and screwed up dealing with that relationship aftermath. I remember looking in the mirror while I was with him and after for while - I looked tired, worn out, sad but nothing anyone said would convince me he was bad news. It took months after the break-up before I started to look human again.

Life was insane going going and going with my work. Talking to a million dominants online - okay not a million but damn there were a lot. And I knew that at the time that there were many I was talking. I just now go who was that I am talking about in some entries. Because they all kind of blur into each other. Nick is one of the few that doesn't though. I talk about him so much I made him his own label because almost every day from August 9 through that December 31st post that I went through - talked about Nick. I lost touch with him after moving to be with Master. Nick cut off contact really - which I understood. I tried to email him a few times but heard nothing back. So I have no idea what happened to him and actually do wonder as he was a really good guy. We had many good conversations and he helped me through a very hard time in my life. Anyway....

It has been hard to label most of posts because it was just emotions, sorting out and expressing my emotions. Very emo! And because I talk about so many different people they get put into a general label of friends or relationships.

Anyway...the last 2 days have been a trip down memory lane reading old entries.

* actually that icon might be backwards - I am not sure all the people I talk about are "superb" but I certainly can figure out the plot - as I said above fucked up and neurotic at least for the parts I was reading the last few days.

Saturday, June 13, 2009


The highlight of my day....giving Master a blowjob with pigtails. It was very Daddy/little girl moment. A first for us - to sexualize Daddy/little. We haven't done that before because of my past Daddy/little girl relationship.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Pimping Domestic Servitude Blog

Okay my co-bloggers over on Domestic Servitude have been really busy posting lately....

So here are some links to their posts....

Shelf Life by Jouet - all about expiration dates! Master rolls his eyes at me because I am big on throwing things out when they are past expiration dates.

Frugal Made Simple by Kaya - some great ideas. Please also add your own to the comments we are all looking forward to hearing them.

Low-Sugar Strawberry Jam by Katie - Oh yum! The picture alone does me in!

Salsas.... mmmmm caliente! by Jouet - It is that time of year with farmer's markets so veggies and fruits are going to start being really easy to find and good prices. And making salsa is so refreshing and versatile.

Biscuits and Gravy by Kaya - I think Master can be happy that Kaya posted this as I am going to make biscuits and gravy this weekend. And I am even doing the cheat with the biscuits.

Spicy! by Jouet - Such a good post on herbs and spices. I had never heard of Penzeys until Jouet gave me some for Christmas. Master has even asked me about maybe getting some different varieties of Penzeys as he can tell the difference. He will often say "you made this with the spices Jouet gave us didn't you?" And I did. So there is something about them that really makes them stand out.

Pinto Beans, Chicken Legs, and Strawberry Soup by Princess Mandy - Don't look if you are hungry because I guarantee this post will make you hungry! Great pictures, directions and story of making them. Yummy!

Spirit and Attitude of Domestic Service by Jouet and I also wrote on that topic too. - answering a question asked by a reader.

Dandelion Massage Oil by Katie - what a great way to get rid of dandelions!

Stuffing your Boobs by Kaya - Yummy! So many great ideas!

Friday, June 05, 2009

Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation

It is unfortunate for the reasons we are getting a ton of hits to our website today. People are coming via Wikipedia because there is an external link on it to an essay on our website. It is an EXCELLENT essay by Vamp about Breath Control Play. So because of David Caradine's death we have been getting a ton of hits.

Monday, June 01, 2009

Dangerous List

A while back there was a thread about a man being "rude" to a young lady through private messages on FetLife. She asked if she should report him and so on. Now I don't have a problem with her wanting to block him. But reporting him I had kind of a problem with as someone said in the thread what he said to her some women might get off on. It then was suggested a list be started of people like this - to make a list of dangerous people - and I have such a problem with that suggestion. It surprised me to see many people I know who play hard agreeing with making a list. They must not get that they would probably end up on it. Plus the reality the internet if full of idiot jerks who say stupid things so that list would get pretty damn long. And we all do stupid things once in a while so then we would all end up on that list.

Next I don't like it when people don't take responsibility when they consent to it. Now I am not saying the young woman in the post did, but so many times we see posts that say a dominant is abusive yet the s-type takes no responsibility on their end.

Several years ago I was on a yahoogroup elist and the owners of the group posted a full name, address, phone number of a man who "was dangerous." The person was someone I knew and played with - now he is extremely sadistic so I can see many people labelling him dangerous. But he is VERY direct about what he likes and expects. From how the situation was described of course the submissive didn't accept any responsibility or mention the fact that he was very direct about what he desires and she just got in over her head. I can see many submissives getting very turned from the things he talks about - and wanting to see him, but it isn't a fantasy or game to him. Once in the situation with him - I can see where what it is he does would more then many bottoms/submissives desire in actual real life. It probably goes past where they imagined it would go. In person those things are painful things he likes to do - he likes to see suffering. But again he is very direct about it so saying he is dangerous when it gets too be too much for the submissive - annoys me instead of saying "hey he is more sadistic then I desire." He was too sadistic for that person and probably many submissives, but I liked what he did. So I would say that dangerous list is subjective.

In past relationship, before I met the man, we talked on the phone and online. I described things to him and he was saying all the right things to make it sound like he was into those things too. When we were together, it was mostly vanilla sex with just light kink. One day I got it - he thought those things I was describing were fantasy - something to think about, but not act on. When I asked him about it, my suspicions were confirmed. It really surprised me. Of course it disappointed me (and of course I didn't repeat that mistake and everyone after I ASKED if it was fantasy or real for them.)

I think often many things people think about while they masturbate isn't actually what they want to happen. It is just a hot fantasy. So when someone actually does those things in real life - they are dangerous to them because well it is just suppose to be a fantasy. It isn't a fantasy for everyone. And just because someone does something you wouldn't do - doesn't necessarily make them dangerous.

As I said to start - so many people would end up on that list because it is so subjective. We all do and say stupid things so you know....do we have the space to list everyone.
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...