Tuesday, March 29, 2005


Just a quickie again...

We got home last night...I can't sleep so I am up doing some work and other odds-n-ends.

I just saw this commercial for Axe...men's shower gel that showed...

A plumber fixing a drain in the tub with a man standing behind him in the doorway. The plumber pulls out a bra first and kind of looks back at the man. The plumber then pulls out a riding crop and waves a few times like he is swatting something.

An announcer comes on and says...
How dirty boys get clean...

And then shows the Axe Shower Gel.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Clean House?

Okay am I the only strange one like this...

It is 10 am and I have changed the sheets on the bed, put the sheets I just took off the bed in the washer, cleaned up the kitchen, washed the kitchen floor, made breakfast, did the dishes, did a once over in the bathroom, packed, and did some other odds-n-ends. Plus after this post I am about to do some more bits and pieces. Our house is clean already so some of these things are not necessary. I mean I needed to do the dishes...coming home to stinky dishes would not be good. But most of these things are just extra things...like washing the kitchen floor and changing the sheets really don't need to be done now. The sheets were less then a week old on the bed and I could change them when we got back. The floor I washed on Tuesday but I saw some spots on it this morning but was not urgent - it could have also waited until we came home. So to me it is just my insane need to have it even cleaner before we leave to go out of town.

Am I alone in this strange need to have a clean house to come home to? I just like coming home to a clean house. I am sure it just is a mental and emotional thing for me. Being out of town is kind of stressing (we are going to see family) and so when I come home I just want to relax and not have to worry about anything. I think walking in the door to a clean house makes things more peaceful and calm for me...for us...as I know Master gets stressed visiting family too.

So now we will come home to a clean house to find some peace and calm after our stressful weekend. This whole weekend has been kind of a drama that Master did not need right now. Then add in the weather we are going to be traveling in just makes it more of a hassle. As we are going to go through snow covered mountain passes. But we have to be there so we will.....just wished Master could have a weekend of rest after working 12 to 15 hour days everyday this week.

Oh well need to get back to my insane need to clean!


Master has been horribly busy lately and so the days are long here. Thursday evening we had dinner at 9:15pm. And then I drew a hot bath for Master to help Him relax. But He still got to bed very late. And of course I can't sleep. I think after this blog I am going to go work on some art projects.

We leave to go out of town tomorrow for the weekend so I won't be updating until early next week.

Monday, March 21, 2005

Guilty (Embarrassing) Pleasure

okay...I am going to admit it...

I have a big big embarrassing guilty pleasure...

Project Runway

I never watched it while it was premiering, but one day a couple weeks ago Bravo had a marathon of them on all day. I had them on while I cleaned - so I would listen and stop an watch the final designs. I had it on all day and then ended up taping the last 2 epsisodes to watch them later as I was busy during those.

The reason I am confessing this right now....they are showing a couple episodes again right now (1pm mountain time).

Anyway, I am not sure why I liked it so much but I did like...

Maybe it is the inner fashion slut in me coming out when watching it. Same thing happens when I watch What Not to Wear.

Kara and Jays designs really were excellent so those were the 2 I going for as I watched. And the last episode they were a part of the finals and they did fantastic.

Anyway I felt the need to confess my guilty pleasure!

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Quotes from the Dalai Lama

The very purpose of our life is happiness, the very motion of our lives is toward happiness.

On the basis of the belief that all human beings share the same divine nature, we have a very strong ground, a very powerful reason, to believe that it is possible for each of us to develop a genuine sense of equanimity toward all beings. -From "The Good Heart"

Anger or hatred is like a fisherman's hook. It is very important for us to ensure that we are not caught by it.

It is my belief that whereas the twentieth century has been a century of war and untold suffering, the twenty-first century should be one of peace and dialogue. As the continued advances in information technology make our world a truly global village, I believe there will come a time when war and armed conflict will be considered an outdated and obsolete method of settling differences among nations and communities.

When you are aware of your pain and suffering, it helps you to develop your capacity for empathy, the capacity which allows you to relate to other people’s feelings and sufferings. This enhances your capacity for compassion towards others.

Non-violence means dialogue, using our language, the human language. Dialogue means compromise; respecting each other’s rights; in the spirit of reconciliation there is a real solution to conflict and disagreement. There is no hundred percent winner, no hundred percent loser—not that way but half-and-half. That is the practical way, the only way.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Daily OM: Constructive Self Awareness

Another good daily OM....

10 Ways To Manage Your Inner Critic
Constructive Self Awareness

1. The inner critic is a voice of chastisement. Before you react, listen carefully. How does it speak and what is it saying? Does it speak truth? Acknowledging self-doubt and identifying means of change can quiet an overactive inner critic.

2. Realize your inner critic is a voice within you, but is not the whole of you. It is often the echo of advice given long ago by parents, teachers, well-meaning friends, and even enemies. Let go of that which is no longer pertinent.

3. Praise yourself. Each time your inner critic attempts to discount your ideas or skills, counter it by expressing a positive statement about yourself. Write it down and display it somewhere prominent so you see it often.

4. The inner critic begins as a protector but can become a destroyer when it leads to self-punishment. When you feel your inner critic has become a stumbling block on the path of creative thinking, identify the underlying fear. Understand that avoiding vulnerability is not worth sacrificing creativity.

5. Disregard what you 'should' have done. Comparing yourself to others means you are judging yourself according to standards that do not reflect who you are. Accept your individuality and the uniqueness of your actions.

6. Your inner critic won't be able to exert itself when confronted by opposing voices. Spending time with people who boost your confidence can help you recognize positive aspects within yourself that you might not otherwise notice.

7. Talk back. When your inner critic remains unchallenged, you have no choice but to listen. Instead of accepting its assertions, examine them, accept only those that are valid, and disregard the rest.

8. Looking at yourself from the perspective of an objective third party can help you root out illogical criticism. Your inner critic tends to blow fear out of proportion, but you have the power to see beyond that fear by appraising it at a distance.

9. It can be difficult to notice gratitude when overcome with inner criticism. Instead of dwelling on what you have not accomplished, focus on the kind words and appreciation you receive for the tasks you complete each day.

10. Turn your inner critic into a life coach. The inner critic can be a source of positive feedback and helpful guidance when you begin to replace derision with constructive criticism.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Beautiful Link...

A friend from Livejournal sent me this....Duirwaigh Productions:'A Knock at the Duir'

It is so beautiful! I have watched it several times and every time it leaves me feelings so many wonderful feelings!

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Maintaining Friendships...

Something that has been rumbling around my brain....

A friend (who is in an Owner/property type dynamic) said several weeks ago, "as a slave it is hard to maintain friendships." And I have to say I agree with her. Since being Master's slave I have had more problems in maintaining friendships then before when I was single. It is easily explained as my time is Master's...my duty is to serve Master so everything gets put second behind Master.

Could it be that it is just because I am in a relationship that my friendships have been harder to maintain? Yes, it could be I do remember in previous relationships - power dynamic or vanilla I have been able to maintain friendships better then now in a service oriented one. Could it just geography? Most of my good friends are back in Ohio so yes it could be geography but there is phone and email and I am still now able to even maintain that as well as I know I could if i were single.

Let me add this...Master does not interfere in my friendships. If He felt one was unhealthy, to taxing to me or whatnot, He would step in and say something, but He has not done that to date. So it is not that I can't maintain the friendships because Master is interfering -- that is not the case at all.

It is just that it is my duty and privilege to serve Master and so often there are many things that come before writing emails, chatting on IMs, talking on the phone, or any other thing that helps maintain a friendship.

I have very understanding friends...they understand the dynamic I am in and so understand that when they send me an email it might take several days even weeks to get back to them. And the same goes for me I have friends in similar dynamics and I always understand when they don't write back right away.

Not sure I am making much sense...

I just know that being in a service oriented relationship has made it hard to maintain friendships. That however does not mean I would rather be single and able to maintain frienships. I enjoy being Master's slave and serving Him.

Also here - locally....I don't have "close" friends. We have vanilla friends that, but not anyone in the lifestyle local so I do wonder if or how that will affect me when(if) we ever get local lifestyle friends.

I just know it is seems to me it has been harder to maintain friendships since being in the dynamic with Master.

I am a stay-at-home-slave - but there is always work for me to do. I don't sit around online or doing hobbies all day. My days could be filled always with some kind of project for Master or the household 24/7. So when I am online it is kind of down time and so I just kind of veg - turn off my brain and don't think about that I well I should sign on to see if so and so is on yahoo messenger and I should drop so and so an email because I miss her. I try hard but it is not always my first thought.

So....just a note to friends out there online and real life friends....sorry I don't get to talk to you as much as I would like. Know I am thinking of you! And I will keep doing the best I can and hope you hang in there with me!

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Tech Question - Firefox

I have a tech question that maybe someone can help me out with.....

I am now using FireFox and my blog font comes out all bold when I don't have it specified that way. And then on our website it changes the font to a different font then what is specified in the css.

I have not been able to do lots of searching on it to figure out why and don't want to bug Master over it as He is busy.

So anyone know what I am doing wrong please feel free to leave me a comment or drop me an email.

Edit: Figured out both problems!

Monday, March 14, 2005

"Why don't you read erotica any more?"

Ray a good friend of mine asked in the comments recently -- "Why don't you read erotica any more?"

I just can't have one reason you know...one or more of these reasons is why I don't read erotica anymore.

1) Main reason my real life experiences have often been better then erotica for me.

2) Erotica to often is very -- well unreal and most people like that and enjoy that but me...well I like real and so if it sounds unreal then it just annoys me. Now that has not always been the case. I used to enjoy erotica fact, fiction or fantasy it was titillating but once I started experiencing more and more SM -- then I needed the real deal and not just words on a page.

3) My imagination - such as the dark desires - can come up with more entertaining scenarios that I believe can happen in real life -- at least short term.

4) Some erotica that I do find "real" -- can cause me to get expectations that I think will just set me up for disappointment. I wrote a story once a VERY LONG TIME ago for a top -- he wanted something that he could do to me real time but in story form first. He told me that he would make it happen. Well, he didn't and I often found that when expressing fantasies to those I have been involved with elements get lost that really made it - IT - for me so I got disappointed.

So those are the reasons I really don't read erotica anymore.

Domestic: Taco Bake

1 can refried beans
1 lb ground beef (I use ground turkey)
1 onion, chopped
1 large bell pepper chopped (I just take the stir fry peppers in the frozen food section and put in my food processor for a few seconds to get them chopped and I use mixed peppers)
8 oz mushrooms, coarsely chopped (keeping this here but I never use mushroom as my stomach can't handle them)
1 can green chilis
2-3 cloves garlic, finely chopped
2-3 TB chili powder
1 TB cumin
1-2 t garlic powder
1 can tomato paste
1 to 2 Cups shredded cheese, your choice on how much and what kind (cheddar mixed with some mozzarella is what I use)

Garnish - any, all work well:
chopped black olives
sour cream
chopped lettuce and tomatoes
chopped cilantro
chopped onion

Preheat oven to 450. Take a flat casserole dish, spray with cooking spray and spread refried beans on the bottom. Bake for 5 minutes.

Meanwhile, saute meat, onions, bell pepper, garlic until onion begins to soften and meat beings to brown. (Add mushrooms and cook until they've released their water and meat is thoroughly browned.) Drain fat and add all spices, green chilies and tomato paste, along with a little bit of water, if needed. The mixture should be moist but not runny.

Take the casserole dish with the beans, pour mixture on top and top with cheese. Bake in the oven for another 15 minutes or until the cheese is melted and just starts to bubble. Serve on plate with garnishes on top.

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Life Update

Well not sure what I am wanting to write....I have been having a case of writers block of sorts.

Master and I have been passing back and forth a version of the flu but with the Airborne we are taking I don't feel it ever gets to its full force (thank goodness) but I just wish we would stop passing the little bit of it we do get back and forth! It has been going on for about a month.

Monday - Master was sick so home for the day. I did get lots accomplished actually though. Usually when Master is home I just want to be near Him that I let duties slide. But lately I have been getting better at seeing that is a disservice to Master so now I try harder to some things even if not keeping to my exact schedule. Flexibility is an important aspect in being a slave.

Tuesday - Master and I had to go out of town to go pick His car back up. We had dropped it off the Friday before. I thought it was kind of humorous as the little town (practically only town between home and the destination) we stop for lunch in looked at me the way "normal" people in the Adam's Family series always looked at Wednesday Adams when she walked into a room. I was dressed kind of umm goth and with my dyed hair -- well lets say I stuck out a little bit! The whole restaurant watched us as we walked in and then when we stood at the register I took a peek and again everyone was just starring. It made me more then a little uncomfortable to be in the spotlight.

Wednesday, Thursday and Friday - were kind of normal for me....just cleaning and such. I did get to chat with a friend online and catch up on a few emails.

Today - Master and I went out of town. It was a nice little day trip. When we came home, we were both tired but Master said He was not able to get His brain to slow down, so I offered a solution....a blow job. It worked! We both drifted off to sleep after cuddled up. Master woke me by playing with me. Oh today when we went out of town - Master was taking a picture and called me over because it was next to a gallery. He had a peek inside and saw that it would something His girl would want to see. And it truly was something to see....beautiful inspiring work. We got a brochure from the place so maybe I will see if they have a website and post it later.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Kindlings: Part 4 of 4

Continued from....Kindlings post...

16. How many M/s dynamics have you been in? I have said in the past 4 before Master but I think often it is more like 1 M/s and 3 D/s plus then my M/s relationship with Master.

17. If your current one ended, would you seek to be owned again?
I am not sure, I think I would always try to find a partner that has a dominant personality but I don't know if I can handle doing all this again. Never say never though. But really I don't want to think about that as I hope Master wants me for a very very very long time.

18. Were you seeking ownership in any of your dynamics or did it occur as a natural progression?

First one it happened naturally -- I did not even know what M/s or BDSM was at that time.

As I said I always said 4 BDSM type relationships before Master but never put in my relationship with my ex husband Jim but in some contexts when I look at it could be considers and M/s relationship but it happened naturally also. But there is a flaw in that -- as it was not a true M/s -- from my point of view. (which is a long story.)

So the second that I name as second - I was seeking to learn more about D/s...as I finally put a name to the undercurrent that was in all of my relationships. It happened because I was seeking to learn more about D/s and BDSM.

Third I was seeking an M/s - O/p relationship.

Forth I was seeking an M/s -O/p relationship again and that person told me he wanted that eventually but he wanted it to form natuarally....which sounded great to me. In the end that was not the truth and he had been lying to me about that and many other things.

And then with Master we have O/p but i think even with him claiming me as His property did not internally make it so and that to me is a process that I think is on going....enslavement.

19. Do you make resolutions- at new year's or any other time of the year? No I don't

20. Do you believe in 'forever'? Romantic self says yes yes please! But more realistic self says no of course not.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

New Hair Color

3 pictures of my new hair color...pictures of me

These were taken by myself so please be aware of how crappy they were shot. Also my hair looks darker in them and I finally was able to get *a* brighter one.

Okay to go on about it a little...

I will NOT ever do this product again (manic panic) - I will not do it how people advise as duh my skin is way to different to do it like recommended - I have chemical burns.

As I said when I did it...love the color but I will not use this product again and mmaybe find a more skin friendly product (if that is possible).

Monday, March 07, 2005

Kindlings: Part 3 of 4

Continued from....Kindlings post...

11. Do you prefer 'sting' or 'thud'?
Umm depends on my mood and hormones.

12. What aspect of your life is hardest to surrender control over?
As odd as it may sound it is usually just little things cause me to get tripped up - like some days that I can't just eat without permission irritates me - although I obey there are someday I just want to say why! Usually those days are when I am exteremly hungry, fighting a migraine or pmsing but even though it is other factors does not mean I can use those as excuses.

13. Do you function better in a structured environment or a 'go with the flow' type of environment?
Kind of in between. I do fall in between - too structured and I feel like I might fail if I get off task. So I have a structure that is followed very loosely. It has lots of flexibility as Master and I believe if something is too structured it has more likeihood to break intsead of bend.

14. When do you feel the most beautiful?
When Master gives me long passionate kisses for no reason.

15. When was the last time you cried?

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Kindlings: Part 2 of 4

Continued from....Kindlings post...

6. Do you want to get past your phobias, or accept them and work around your fears?
I want to work past the fear of mice but I am not quite sure how. I actually thought I was making progress as I used jump just looking at our cat's toy mice, but then that got better. I was not able to look at them even on TV once upon a time, but then got to the point where I could look and not have nightmares even if I did not still like looking at them. Then the mice invaded and all that was wiped out in one flat second so obviously I was not working past it when I thought I was doing well. I am still have some residual affects of it all -- silly I know but honest.

Some others fears -- bdsm fears like the hood I got over.

My feet being touched is still a hard one. Tickling can't do either. But I really don't want to work around those.

7. How do you communicate when you are angry/upset?
Talking, expressing emotions, and at times raising my voice not a trait that I like though. And sometimes I just work through it without communicating it outloud to anyone as it is an internal process.

8. How does your owner expect you to communicate when you are angry/upset?
calmly clearly without accusations or passive/aggressive behavior

9. Do you ever feel 'pet'like?
Yes, taking this as I feel like pet like and am at times am treated like a pet. I also feel like a puppy sometimes which to me is different then feeling pet like at times.

10. Do you prefer dogs or cats?
In general, I have always liked dogs better until living with Master and His cats. They are now my babies. Jim and I had a dog that was my baby....which is a story I actually have started in another blog draft entry. So that will wait.

In a BDSM sense, I have always been a puppy.

Kindlings: Part 1 of 4

From Kindlings Archive...it is a bunch of questions that I am going to split up into 4 posts.

1. What is your favorite scene from a book or movie that evoked a sense of your slavery?

I don't think there is a book or movie scene that evoked my own slavery. There were certainly books and movie scenes that I find interesting or make me hot in regards to the power exchange or SM going on in them..

Such as Secretary..
For the most part I did not get a sense of D/s in the Secretary. But I did enjoy the opening scenes with her in the bar and cuffs pouring the coffee. But most of the movie I did not relate to and enjoyed much more when looking at it from an entertainment point of view rather then expecting to relate to it.

There is an SM breath play scene in Killing Me Softly that makes me wiggle to no end! 9 1/2 Weeks makes me hot at times too...some of the control elements. But even the Quiet Man can make me smile when John Wayne spanks Maureen O'Hara or pushed her up against the wall with her arm pinned behind her and his hand in her hair...and kisses her.

Books...I resonated with several sections in The Market Place series. Books that I feel help me in my service and surrender to my Owner are usually books on religion or spirituality. Especially books on Buddhism. Another that has helped me is the Four Agreements.

A book I look forward to reading is Slavecraft by Guy Baldwin

2. What song or lyric reminds you of your dynamic?

I am not sure there is one I really relate to but there are some that make me smile when I hear them because I do think of the dynamic we have...

Such as Control by Puddle of Mud, Chains by Tina Arena, Cherish the Day by Sade, Pretty when you cry by VAST are just a few.

3. What is your favorite quote?

I am a quote whore so I just can't name one!

So here are a few...

"I would like to beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love "the questions themselves" as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything.

*Live* the questions now.

Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

- Rainer Maria Rilke

"If I have been of service, if I have glimpsed more of the nature and essense of ultimate good, if I am inspired to reach wider horizons of thought and action, if I am at peace with myself, it has been a successful day." ~ Alex Noble

A path is only a path, and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you . . .Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself alone, one question . . .Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it
doesn't it is of no use." -- Carlos Castaneda, The Teachings of Don Juan

"Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love." ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

"Try to find pleasure in the speed that you're not used to. Changing the way you do routine things allows a new person to grow inside of you. But when all is said and done, you're the one who must decide how you handle it." -- From Paulo Coelho's book The Pilgrimage

4. What is your favorite form of service?

One thing does not come to mind. I am just happy to be in service. I can say that I find service to be more and more of a pleasure over the years. Not that it wasn't before but I also find that it has become more important to me then other things that fall under the BDSM umbrella.

5. Do you have any phobias?


Friday, March 04, 2005

Sex and SM: Poker

So I have not wrote about Sex or SM....in a while well beside the dark desires.

Wednesday morning Master woke me up by letting me feel His hard cock brushing/pushing into my panty covered bottom. Something that I enjoy is when Master masturbates and then ejaculates on me. And that is what He did....right onto my panties. I felt the wet cum soaking through my panties on to my bottom. It turned me on and made me moan with arousal. After Master came He spanked me and then also did some punching and slapping of my tits. We played a little more before Master had to head to work.

Our fun continued during the evening though after dinner Master and I watched Celebrity Poker that we had on the PVR. I was getting a little vocal about Dave and Phil sabotaging their picks because as always whoever they pick are the first two in the Losers Lounge. I told Master if the celebs that I would just go and pay off Dave and Phil to not pick them as the winners. Well, I guess I was getting a little to animated with my irritation and so Master told me to fetch the gag! And I wiggled with the thought!

So I went and got the gag and watched the remainder of poker with the gag in...Master so wanted me to drool but I fought it. And did quite well!

After poker was done Master brought me into the bedroom. He had me strip and then we played on the bed. He punched my tits and did some breath play also for bit before giving me a choice between having the gag off and Him fucking my mouth (and yes I mean fucking not me giving Him a blow job). Or him fucking me vaginally with the gag still firmly planted in my mouth. I chose the second.

Master fucked me. After Master came, He then played with me -- rubbing my clit. I would get to the edge lots but not go over it. Soon Master handed me my vibrator and had me masturbate while He did some more breath play on me....I went over the edge quickly.

It was a very nice evening!

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Life Update

Weekend - went by fast as Master had to work on Saturday. So Sunday was a day of relaxing for Him. We started the day out with calls to family followed by a late brunch. Late in the afternoon we went on drive and then watched the 2nd part of An Evening with Kevin Smith (watched the first part last week). It was Kevin Smith doing Q&A's at colleges. We really enjoyed watching it though because he was honest and funny. It made him so real to me. Plus I have a thing for Kevin Smith...I think he is hot!

Monday - Did cleaning up from weekend and then got a call from someone I have only known online. I have not gotten her permission to say who so that is why I am not saying. We did not get to talk long and I hope we chat another day. I am really bad on first phone conversations. I am very shy when meeting new people so I hope I was not too quiet with her. Oh I did some website work also as within Reality won a few awards. So that is an honor that I wanted displayed so did that and added more recipes to it also.

Tuesday - Well I spent almost the whole day in hair dye. My hair is now magenta. I hate the product love the color. Hate the product as it dyed my skin horribly plus irritated my face and ears - even after I did all the helpful hints of coating all skin with vaseline. It is terribly messy but as I said I love the color - just not sure it is worth the pain in my ass of doing it. Master had a long day and then took me out to eat and ran to grocery store to pick up a few things -- a sale they were having on ground turkey was ending tonight. We stocked up!

Tomorrow - I hope to get caught up on the cleaning I got behind on today and then maybe if I have time work on some art as I have not had much time or well energy to do so lately.
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