Saturday, January 31, 2004

Music: silence today
Mood: pretty good
Topics: Interview Questions, Week Update, Anniversary musings

Interview Questions from Jen

1. Do you and your Sir have one special symbol, music piece, or something like that which means something significant to you and he. If so, what is it, and what does it mean to you both? If you don't... would you want one?

Yes it is the one I post on my journal often. Feels Like Home by Chantel Kreviazuk. For our 5th month anniversary I printed it out with graphics and such and we framed it and hangs in the dining room.

2. If you had to go on the TVFoodNetwork to do a cooking show and had to pick one recipe that you cook fantastically... what would that be and please share the recipe with the rest of us *G*

First, I would never want to be on TV making a recipe....icky…I am sure I would get stage fright and screw up. But lets see…I guess I would probably make Cream Puffs. As it is something I like to make and everyone always likes.

Cream Puffs
1 cup water
½ cup margarine or butter
1 cup all purpose flour
4 eggs

Heat oven to 400 degrees. Heat water and margarine to a rolling boil in a 2-½ quart saucepan. Stir in flour; reduce heat. Stir vigorously over low heat about 1 minute or until mixture forms a ball; remove from heat. Beat in eggs, all at once; continue beating until smooth. Drop dough by scant ¼ cupfuls about 3 inches apart onto ungreased cookie sheet.

Bake 35 to 40 minutes or until puffed and golden brown. Cool away from draft. Cut off top one-third of each puff and pull out any filaments of soft dough. Fill puffs with chocolate cream filling. Replace tops and dust with powdered sugar. Refrigerate until serving time. Refrigerate any remaining puffs. 12 cream puffs.

Chocolate Cream Filling

1 ¼ cup sugar
½ cup flour
3 cups whole milk
3 squares unsweetened chocolate
4 egg yolks
3 tbls butter
1 ½ tsp. vanilla

In a medium saucepan over medium heat, combine sugar and flour. Stir in milk and chocolate. Cook, stirring constantly, until chocolate melts and mixture thickens. Remove from heat and stir in egg yolks. Return to heat and cook 2 minutes more. Remove from heat and stir in butter and vanilla. Let cool before adding to cream puff.

3. Growing up little girls have all sorts of hopes and dreams... did you have a hope or dream that has turned into a reality for you as an adult? If so, what was it, and how has it manifested itself in your adult life?

Yes, being an artist and selling some of my art was one dream and yes that has happened, but I still don't feel I am where I want to be with my art. I have had many dreams realized…more are just grown-up dreams.

4. If you could have dinner with any one famous, or infamous person, from any time period... who would it be? Why would you choose them? and what would you serve them?

An artist I think….so many to chose from though…Frida Kahlo, Kathy Kollwitz, Marc Chagall, John William Waterhouse, Gustav Klimt, George Grosz, Picasso.

But it is only one, so I guess, right now it would have to be Frida Kahlo because she is a fascination with me at this time. I believe not only would she have some very insightful things to say about her art and art in general, but her life seemed very interesting. So her stories of her life would be really incredible to hear about. Right now my brain is focused on the dinner I am making for Master for our 1 year anniversary - so I guess that is what keeps coming to mind. A salad to start with balsamic vinegar and then Herb and Salt Crusted Roast, Red Potatoes Roasted with onions and herbs, and a sinful dessert…layers of cream cheese and chocolate.

Okay so Master being the smarty-pants He is….says after He reads my answer to this question. Well, Frida speaks in Spanish so you guys would not be able to talk!

Last but certainly not least...

5. What five items would you put in a time capsule to leave behind so that future generations would be able to tell something about who you were and what you were about?

One of my journal's maybe one with drawings in it as well as written words - a picture of Master and I - Ellington (a Teddy Bear of mine) - a mix cd - The Valkyries by Paulo Coehlo

Update of Life

I suffered from migraines 2 days this week it was not fun. I know it is just from hormonal changes. On Friday we had someone come inspect our furnance - it was a free inspection. Free is good. Right about the time they were suppose to get here - there was a knock on the door. It was 2 people people trying to "sell their religion." And that really gets on my nerves. I calmly said that they might as well go to the next house. They said "why?"...I said, "because I have my own beliefs." Which then the next question from them was, "oh don't you believe in Jesus?" And I said again, "I have my own beliefs..." and went on to tell that I wished they did not come to our house. And told them I was closing the door. And that is what I did.

So then there was a knock about 3 minutes later and it was the heating service person.....I was on the phone with Master telling Him about it. He thinks I give them a hard time - but He laughs about it. Master is so nice chit chatty with them. And for some reason I see them and instantly get peeved.

This week was kind of down for me with my period and the migraines. But Master did spank me the other night. It was very nice and very relaxing for me. Master has been really patient with me this week and I am very grateful. Everything feels like I could cry at the drop of a hat this week. And have been lol

I have been battling with my bread machine each week. The loaf is always sunken...altitude ya know. Anyway, I got some tips on what to do and I thought this last time it would be perfect as it was getting closer and closer each time I made a loaf. But it still sunk a little - not as much so I am getting closer. It just is getting frustrating!

Master has been busy with work today so I have been online. It has been nice to just veg in front of the computer. It is like most people veg in front of a tv I do that with a computer/internet.

Well I made a few changes to my journal....type is bigger....some links have been changed.

Tomorrow is Master and my 1 year anniversary.

To think of actually seems we have been together for long then a year. It feels like sometimes we have been together forever. It is that warm comforting feeling.

Master and I came together feeling this knowing that wow...we are meant for each other. And at times we were scared thinking that other shoe would drop but as a good friend pointed out to us. We just needed to tie the other shoe on. And we did.

And we have not looked back since. It is very strange to have this person in the world that I can be completely myself with....who I know will always be there....who knows how to be with me without trying. Does that make sense?

I love and adore Him. I became His a year ago tomorrow....and I am so happy to be His....

I hope He allows me to serve Him for years and years!

Thursday, January 29, 2004

When we see that we have gone wrong, it is our duty to retrace our footsteps and proceed again by the right path. -Mohandas Gandhi

Firinel posted this cute heartmaker on her site and so I want to pass it along too.

I have been battling a migraine the last 2 days....and it gets so frustrating. I go between wanting hugs and being close to Master - to just not wanting to be around anyone and no touching, talking, interacting with anyone and I hate that I feel that way. I am feeling really inadequate this week. I feel like I don't know how to serve Master. And that I can't do anything right. I don't have the desire to serve either. I just want to hide from the world for a couple of days. PMS talking I guess. I am still doing what Master expects of me. But I am not going above and beyond and I feel bad for not trying harder.

This morning I got up and made Master muffins. He spent the working from home. And I spent most of the day online emptying out my email box. I want to get everything cleared out of it. Master has not been pushing me this week and I really appreciate it. I just want to feel better so that things can get back to normal.

Your Brain Usage Profile

Auditory : 50%
Visual : 50%
Left : 56%
Right : 43%

danae, you are somewhat left-hemisphere dominant with a balanced preference for auditory and visual inputs. Because of your "centrist" tendencies, the distinctions between various types of brain usage are somewhat blurred.

Your tendency to be organized and logical and attend to details is reasonably well-established which should afford you success regardless of your chosen field of endeavor, unless it requires total spontaneity and ability to improvise, your weaker traits. However, you are far from rigid or overcontrolled. You possess a degree of individuality, perceptiveness, and trust in your intuition to function at much more sophisticated levels than most.

Having given sufficient attention to detail, you can readily perceive the larger aspects and implications of a situation or of learning. You are functional and practical, but can blend abstraction and theory into your framework readily.

The equivalence of your auditory and visual learning orientation gives you two equally effective sensory input systems, each with distinctive features. You can process both unidimensionally and multidimen- sionally with equal facility. When needed, you sequence material while at other times you "intake it all" and store it for processing later.

Your natural ability to use your senses is also synthesized in your way of learning. You can be reflective in your approach, absorbing material in a non-aggressive manner, and at other times voracious in seeking out stimulation and experience.

Overall you tend to be somewhat more critical of yourself than is necessary and avoid enjoying life too much because of a sense of duty. You feel somewhat constrained and tend to sometimes restrict your expressiveness. In any given situation, you will opt for the rational, and learning of almost any type should be easy for you. You might need certain ideas explained to you in order to fit them into your scheme of things, but you're at least open to that!

Okay I sent this test to Master last night - He read His results and then mine in a voice that was a cross between Elmer Fudd and Fu Man Chu - It was pretty funny! He is so cute and silly! Boy do I love Him. :)

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

Discipline and Punishment

Okay over the weekend Master and I gave a presentation and during it someone I respect asked us what is the difference between discipline and punishment for us. And we were defining discipline, but not really punishment. After the presentation, the person (asking us that question) and I talked and I told her that I think it is hard for me to define punishment anymore because I don't get punished. Because if I did something that was really meant for a punishment then there was something seriously wrong with our (Master and my) relationship.

Okay let me back up....

Here is an article I wrote (with Master's help) in for the June SMART Newsletter....more about punishment after it....

Discipline and Punishment

I believe many people in the lifestyle confuse discipline and punishment. Discipline is training that corrects. It molds, empowers and enhances a person for the better. Punishment comes when there are consequences set for the submissive when he/she displeases the Dominant, breaks a rule, and/or misbehaves.

Discipline is a teaching relationship that goes on between the Dominant and the submissive. It is to mold the submissive into what the Dominant not only wants, but feels will improve the submissive. Because if she is improved she will obviously be a better submissive.

To me discipline is the day-to-day structure established for a submissive by the Dominant, whose goal is to teach, guide, and mold the submissive how to live to serve him/her better and also enhance the submissive as a person. The goal of discipline is eventually self-discipline or self-regulation. Dominants can't baby-sit submissives 24/7. So they want their submissives, when they are away from them, to have a system of rules within them that they will use to govern their behavior toward themselves and toward others. Dominants want to bring their outside control inside the submissive. And at first the submissive is motivated purely by the wish to please and serve the Dominant. But gradually, that molding of the behavior, way of living, thinking and believing becomes self-discipline. The submissive's Master or Mistress's wants, desires, and needs become that of the submissives too.

Discipline does not always carry with it punishment. Discipline can be as simple as a look or gesture. Discipline is the reinforcement of behavior that better serves the Dominant. It is the framework where a submissive resides. Sometimes you can have punishment that exists separately from discipline. The two aren't always linked together, but in certain instances they coincide.

First off punishment is not to be confused with S&M play. S&M is for "enjoyment" - by definition, "play" is typically enjoyed by one or both parties. Therefore if punishments are consequences of violating rules or otherwise displeasing the submissive's Dominant, then punishment should be cold, to the point, and not enjoyable by the submissive. In most cases the Dominant will not enjoy it either. It is the Dominant's wish that their submissive would have obeyed. Conversely a Dominant should not abuse the philosophy behind what a punishment is and what it represents. If the Dominant wants to play, then play, but don't make up something to punish the submissive. A Dominant, who uses punishments as a way to play S&M, is likely to cause the submissive even more stress and confusion.

Punishment is something the submissive should want to avoid. There are many that believe a submissive will "purposely" act out to get punished. There are several different reasons why a submissive may act out on purpose. They may only want a play-partner S&M relationship or they may be acting out to get punished because the submissive's needs are not getting met. Often times they do not know how to communicate their needs to the Dominant.

A punishment should clearly identify what was done wrong, what can be done to correct it, and why the infraction displeased the Dominant. The Master/Mistress should clearly identify the means in which the punishment is to be carried out, then it should be handled as soon as possible. If the punishment is too soft, it might not help the submissive learn from the infraction and might create confusion. If the punishment is too hard, the submissive might become fearful and resentful of the Dominant. After punishment is administered there should be absolution - forgiveness. A process of accepting the consequences and punishment of a violation and moving forward. Once a punishment is carried out, a Dominant should not carry it over, nor should the submissive keep kicking himself or herself in the butt. A punishment is a sense of closure for both the Dominant and the submissive and should be embraced as such.

The mindset of a submissive that is being punished goes very deep and expansive. A Master or Mistress chooses things that a submissive will not like. Even if they pick out a favorite toy to use on a submissive, in most cases, the session will not be enjoyed because the mindset associated with being punished. When submissives are being punished, it's because they have done something wrong. That alone can be punishment, but when used in conjunction with an act, an implement, or whatever other means - the act in and of itself is not enjoyed. The totality of the episode remains until the Dominant is satisfied to the point of absolution. Then he/she and the submissive can move forward.

Making the distinction between discipline and punishment is important. It is critical to understand the process of both and how they are separate and how they can coincide. To better illustrate the differences, let's examine a couple of hypothetical examples of each aspect.

An example of discipline: My Master may not want me to bite my fingernails. The forms of discipline to control the behavior can include anything from putting icky-tasting nail polish on my nails, to putting gloves on my hands, or taping my fingers together. Each step does not necessarily consist of a form of punishment, but a series of steps to adjust the behavior for my Master.

An example of punishment: I may have a rule that I cannot access the Internet while Master is at work. One day, he comes home and finds the computer signed on the Internet. It is a clear violation of the rule. He expresses his displeasure and reprimands me. I know I did something that violated his wishes and the rules he set out for me. He then will tell what I did wrong, how it displeased him, how I can correct it in the future and then will administer the punishment he chooses.

While the focus of this article has been to lay down the differences between discipline and punishment, there are times when the two do exist in the same spot at the same time. Solely relying on one part or the other is not realistic or responsible. Educating ourselves about the differences and the similarities refines our methodology and improves our relationships.

As with other critical discussion areas within the lifestyle, the philosophies behind discipline and punishment should be fully explored and discussed in the beginning stages of a relationship. We should not underestimate the importance of a complete and open discussion on topics such as this. Everyone in the lifestyle has unique perspective and so what each believes can and most likely will be something different. It is but another piece of the complex puzzle that determines the success or failure of the pairing within the lifestyle.

Okay so I had that conversation at SMART Fest and it had me thinking about punishment alot....

I have not really ever been punished with Master because to me punishment is almost like a warning that I am doing something majorly wrong. I am not sure I am going to be able to explain this well.

Okay I will use the example above about punishment. I am not allowed online unless Master gives me permission. For me to sign online without permission....well it is hard to imagine for me. I can't. I meant it. I can't disobey Him. So if I did that would mean there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with our relationship and Master not only I am sure would be punishing me but we would be having a HUGE, LONG, SERIOUS discussion because I can't explain to you the importance of what that would mean if I actually disobeyed Him.

For me punishment would come if I would to out and out disobey Master. Now if I did that...then again there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with our relationship and that would mean Master and I would be having some serious talks and then that punishment would almost like a warning to say do this again and you are out. Now this sounds harsh but I am sure I am not explaining this clearly.

As I said again….punishment would come if I directly consciously disobeyed Master. Such as if I lied to him. I am never to lie. If I lied to Him - for me then there is something really wrong within our relationship if I could lie to Him. Because it is just so unimaginable that I would lie to my Master. So if I did I can see being punished and talking it through but it would be like a warning….that if I lied to Him again our trust would be broke and I would be released.

Well I am repeating myself enough I am going to stop babbling LOL

Monday, January 26, 2004

Ohio Trip Part 2

Sunday after dropping Master off at the airport I headed back to Moni's. We just hung up and recuperated from the weekend activities. On Monday we had a full day starting with lunch with a bunch of our friends. It was nice…one of those really LONG girl talk lunches. I really enjoyed seeing everyone and having a chance to sit down and chat with them longer then I was able to as SMART Fest.

Then after lunch we headed out to another friend in the lifestyle. One of the speakers at SMART Fest was giving readings. And so we headed there…I did not get a reading (but would like one someday) but hung out and chatted with the woman that was hosting the speaker in her home. And then the female Dominant I respect and admire came out there to hang and talk with me. It was icky snowing out so I was thankful she ventured out for me.

Tuesday morning Moni and I had errands to run. She gave a dinner party that night so we needed things for evening. The party went very well. We had a really good meal with good company. And the "entertainment" was EXCEPTIONAL : )

Things I noticed:
1) I don't know how to pour wine and realized I have never poured wine before because Master always is the one that pours it LOL
2) I am able to pull off polite oh so well - joke that some will understand…Moni and Master will at least.
3) Don't put the Alfredo sauce on the pasta until JUST before you serve so that it does not soak all into the pasta.
4) I need to practice serving more. I just am so used to dishing up the plates in the kitchen and bring to the dinning room for us - but doing it in front of others at a table is much harder for me.
5) I like the way f*ck was said that night
6) Also wear shorter sleeves and not bell sleeves when serving food
7) I miss Moni -- not that I did not know that but I miss our girl girl time. I miss having that time to talk with her, hug, laugh and cry with her.

And then Wednesday we hung out talked more and then she did a tarot reading on me before we got ready to go to the airport. My tarot reading was calm, balanced….feet planted firmly on the ground and in reality. That I still have some dreams and that Master is working on making them come true. It was the first time every that I had such reading that was so full of balance and calmness. I am in a good place with Master : )

I was sad to leave Moni's but very thankful that we were able to spend some time together. The flight home was okay. But they decided to combine 2 flights and that delayed the schedule for the plane to take off and also land. They did not tell us until right before we were loading the plane that our flight number had changed. So Master did not have the right one and I had no way to tell Him. But I did not worry about it too much, as Master's occupation requires Him to "figure things out" so I knew He would find me. Unfortunately that did cause a few problems as the airlines did not want give Him the new flight number after He figured out what was going on. And that is totally stupid because even though it is my name on the ticket it His name on the bill that showed He paid for it. So you would think they would just verify that info again and give Him the information. He had to drive to the airport to get the info.

We landed almost 2 hours late. When we got into the terminal Master was there waiting for me with a red rose. :) And then when we got in the car He had a diet coke for me (the airline we flew serves pepsi products and I am a diet coke addict) and also a box from amazon too. It had Seasons 1 - 4 of Buffy. Back in October for my birthday told me I could use my birthday money however I wanted. Well, I horded it away for a while not sure what I wanted and then I told him I wanted the Buffy set. So while I was gone He ordered it and it got there the day I came home so that was a nice surprise too.

It was just so nice to be in His arms again though. I love the way He makes me feel when I am with Him.

It is good to be home. :)

Okay what else am I forgetting to talk about…

Oh Master and I practiced some questions before we left for Ohio that we thought people might ask us in our presentation. And none of them were asked LOL

We were asked good questions, but there were 2 that I was asked multiple times in the presentation and outside of it also.

The two questions asked the most surprised me….

Number one asked question what do I do all day? - - Now before I go on…I really want people to always ask what they want to ask me. I am very open and like sharing my experiences and life with others. So I am glad people feel free to ask me what they want. This question though surprised me because I felt like they were saying, "well you are just a housewife - don't you run out of things to do?" And I don't - there are ALWAYS things to do. I am not bored. Or they think I am a captive slave - locked in a cage and isn't that boring after a while. The title of our presentation was "Living the Lifestyle within Reality" - We are not about 24/7 bondage, S&M, sex. I am sure to most people - vanilla or not - I look like a housewife. Most of our protocols are invisible to the vanilla world. And actually for the most part invisible to the BDSM community because they expect them to be more overt and they aren't. We try to live our life as we would always - in the vanilla world or not.

The next question that was asked a lot was if we live out far from civilization. Now I might make it seem like that, but we live in a city and in a neighborhood. We have elderly neighbors on either side of us. We don't do 24/7 bondage, S&M and sex again. They might hear moaning or such from our house, but most likely not as they are elderly - hard of hearing and in bed when we play. We just live life…we have neighbors and I am not paraded in front of them in bondage or anything like that. We don't do daily S&M or bondage. Our life again is very vanilla looking from the outside…but we have the foundation of a power exchange. Master controls and has the power and I serve and obey and that is ALL that is needed for a power exchange….no need for rope or cuffs or anything else.

Here we thought people would ask us….
What is our foundation?
What is the one thing that we did not expect going from LDR to 24/7?
What is one thing you love the most about being a Master? a slave?
What is the one thing we hate?
Is there anything we would change if we could?
What is a power exchange?
What type of relationship we have?
And none of those were asked. But again Katrina was not in the class *smiles* those are the types of questions she asks. :) (and that is a good thing Katrina)

I did see that people were highly intrigued by our dynamics. But I am not sure I understand why because to me we seem like a lot of other couples. Master works outside the house, I work inside the house, we have bills, trash to take out, yard work, toilets overflowing, laundry, and so on and so forth. We do S&M and sex, but that is not our focus. Our focus is the power exchange and that to me is very invisible to most people around us vanilla or not.

Okay what else...
I read a post on D/s Creations that I really enjoyed because it said a lot of what I have felt, went through and believe in a lot of what she is writing about…..go check it out.

This weekend I started my period and I am really really not handling things very well right now. I feel really bitchy. And I don't normally feel bitchy. I just out of it and off. I mean there is things that get to me faster but this month I feel down right bitchy. And it has been hard to contain things. And I am not doing a good job at containing things. And maybe that is because my hormones have really been off - having my period for 14 days.

I will be doing a journal entry on Discipline verses Punishment next so that will be coming up tomorrow or the next day.

I would like to hear what others think about this...."There is no 'Need', only 'Want'. You don't 'Need' to breath, unless you 'Want' to live." I have seen it floating around here and there - no name on who said it originally but for some reason it does not sit well with me and would like to hear others thoughts.

Part 2 of my trip to come later tonight or tomorrow...

Here is some "interview" questions I was asked by Firinel...

1. Do you feel there is a spiritual component to your service? Yes there is…My slavery and service in that slavery is very spiritual because it is like a calling deep in my core. Everything that is a struggle - things that I go back and forth on can come together with strength from that service (when I let myself go in that service which is at times is hard). There is contentment and completeness finally able to be who I am suppose to be and that allows me to find my place in the universe. There is an acute awareness through my slavery that leads to a greater understanding of my spiritual side.

2. Have you ever attempted to explain/justify your lifestyle to others who worry it's degrading to you/women as a whole; if so, how did you do so? LOL yes to those in the lifestyle. I really have not encountered that a lot in the "vanilla" world. But I am not out to as many vanilla people as I am to those in the lifestyle. If the person comes across hostile then I have found it is better to walk away because they won't really hear what I am saying anyway. I am not every woman. I only need to live my life…and in this lifestyle I have learned more about myself and felt more comfortable in my skin then I ever have before. I have given examples in my life where in the past I was not as complete, together, calm as I am now with D/s in my life. Most of the time people don't understand it.

3. What is your favourite article of clothing, and why? my red wool socks…because they keep my feet warm and are just so cozy comfy they make me feel just better putting them on

4. If given a day to pamper yourself and to have wholly as you wish, what would the day be like? I am not sure I know how to pamper myself. I don't know if I have ever truly pampered myself. Or had anyone pamper me either. So….lets think….well I don't have friends here yet - and - so I can't have this type of pamper day because it would be hanging out with girl friends - having lunch - just sitting hanging out and talking. So, here in reality of my life at this moment - enjoy a bottle of wine, read, draw, just have some quietness. I is hard to think of pampering myself. I can think of tons of ways to pamper my Master but not myself.

5. Is there a song that makes you brilliant feel (something, anything); if so, what is it? Oh so many songs……. I listen to music and feel….happiness, sadness, desire, joy, bouncy, like dancing, inspired, warm, cold, peaceful, thoughtful and/or loved - such as Chantel Kreviazuk Feels Like Home makes me feel happiness, love, that feeling of having a home…a completeness.

Here is the guidlines for the interview meme thingie:
1 - Leave a comment, saying you want to be interviewed.
2 - I will respond; I'll ask you five questions.
3 - You'll update your journal with my five questions, and your five answers.
4 - You'll include this explanation.
5 - You'll ask other people five questions when they want to be interviewed.

Saturday, January 24, 2004

Okay trip details ahead!

I had a very nice time in Ohio!

Starting Friday the 16th…Master got into Cleveland early and was able to get into the hotel room early also to rest up before we went to lunch with friends. When we got back from lunch, we had a quickie. Master had me strip and I was lying on the bed next to Him naked but He was fully clothed. Oh when we were walking in from lunch I saw a friend that was vending at the event. We chatted just briefly.

After Master and I had the quickie, we rested just a little bit before getting dressed for the meet and greet. We went through the vendors and chatted with friends all along the way before heading back to our room to work on our presentation again. I had made some changes to my parts on Thursday and so Master wanted to go through it again with the changes.

We were just about to get naked (Master was already down to boxer briefs) when there was a knock on the door…I squealed and jumped up and down…because I knew it was j! We stood hugging, giggling, and squealing. So she came into chat with Master and I for a bit. It was good to see her!

On Saturday morning, Master and I had sex again. It started off with a blowjob before Master took me from behind. Afterwards Master sent me to shower, while he went next door for breakfast for us. So after He got back we went through our presentation one more time as the night before we were both tired and getting a little frustrated with it.

We were going to go to a class on poly that morning, but I did not think I could sit through a class right before our first class. So we went and hung out with j. Master also ordered something for me that I will write about later when we get it :)

Our presentation was around the lunch hour and for some reason this year they did not schedule lunchtime so Master and I wondered if there would be anyone in it, but there were quite a few people (for the size of the event). I think maybe only 2 of the people I did not know or at least know of - through others. I had lots of friends in both sessions. j came to the first session and sat up front. And that was good and hard at the same time. But overall VERY happy she was there. Also there were 2 people I was really looking forward to seeing, as I did not get to see them when I came in September and one was a female Dominant that I have always had the utmost respect for. She is one person in the community who I knew understood where I was coming from in my desires. She came to our first session and asked good questions. And then Jim, another good friend of mine, came and I was very happy about that. I had written him a week before the event asking if he would be there. And he was not sure. So when he came in a little late to the class of course I was very happy to see him and I think I even jumped up and down a little bit!

Our first session went pretty good for me not being a speaker. I liked that the people in our class asked questions. We were able to joke a little and such with it. And it felt more at ease then actually the second session. The second session, I felt like we were reading a book report.

After our first session we then went to see a fellow pervert give her class….Deborah Addington. She is the author of A Hand in a Bush and also Fantasy made Flesh. She is a very passionate, intelligent, bright person. When I say bright, I am not meaning intelligent but as I said she is very intelligent. But I mean bright as radiant..she raditates this energy that makes you just want to be around her. Which has to be hard for her at times, because I am sure it kind of is draining on her. Not sure that makes sense. But anyway she is very intriguing and I really enjoyed being around her and getting to know her better.

Her class was engaging...where it made interesting points to get a person thinking why they stop and don't "do" roleplay. I did want something out of it and that was not addressed…but I heard that class she teaches is different each time so I just hoped that another time we saw it maybe it would be answered or I would ask her at some point. (That point being later in the evening when j put me on the spot lol - but I am glad she did). After her class, which we had to leave a little early, was our session again. Everyone in it I knew. It was nice to have friends in it, but they were not into asking questions like the first group. If we ever do this presentation or another again we would want to make it more interactive.

We then went to a class called the Art of Training. And it was very good also. It was given by the female Dominant that was in our first session that I really admire and respect. She gave a packet of information that really had some good materials in it for modifying behavior. In her class she did a really interesting communication activity. She had us get in pairs…I was with Master of course. And then she had one of us go into a room she showed all those people a picture and then they had to come back and describe it to their partner. The partners had to draw it from what they were saying. Okay so Master had to describe a snowman without saying snowman. So he started with saying something like "draw 3 circles on top of each other going up and down on the paper." Everything He described I drew and it came out pretty accurate. Only thing that was off was scale. But then of course we had to do it in reverse and that did not turn out as well. I was describing a sailboat with a star up in the corner (could not say star) and well it did not turn out as well. So obviously Master is the better communicator. The friend that lead the class said she never has that many people get it right….when she does that in the vanilla world.

That was the last class of the day so we went to dinner with a big group of people after the class. We had not ate that day so I think our eyes were bigger then our stomach, but we took the leftover back to our room anyway to enjoy after the play party. When we got back from dinner, we rushed to get ready to go the play party. I hate rushing and I got a little frantic and Master had to tell me more then once to slow down and not worry. : (

The place the party was at - is new and did not have a lot of equipment. It was much cleaner then previous place, but not as big for the amount of people there. They also had horrible music mixed with a lot of talking so it was hard to get to a place where I could relax.

Master put me in the ball gag harness shortly after arriving. We watched the slave auction while I drooled because of the gag. I was standing next to one of the owners of the space - she really was rude during the auction and Master and I were both probably thankful I did have the gag or she might have got a few choice words.

j arrived later then us and in time to see me drooling all over. j looked yummy! Master let her touch and kiss some and that was very nice. I am very appreciative that He understands what j means to me…that she and I mean to each other. j then put me on the spot with Deborah Addington. I explained to Deborah what I questions I was wanting answered. And she did a great job at giving me answers. Some of the answers were those answers where you go "duh I should have known that." But I am so thankful for all her help. It is a subject I will talk about in later journal entries.

Master and I did play that night…but not for very long. Master first just did some spanking and punching to start. But His back started to hurt so we stopped and decided a cross would be better. So we watched scenes and such while talking with j before the cross freed up. He wanted me to facing out so He could play with my tits but with the angle of the cross it made me dizzy….being tilted backwards and hooded (hooded with a new spandex hood). Master had to use the quick releases as I got so dizzy - I felt I would crash to the ground. But as soon as He unhooked and took the hood off of me I felt MUCH better. So then we went back to the bench, but I just sat on it so my tits were out towards Him. He put the leather hood on me that time, attached the cuffs to some hooks and then went to town my breasts with the baton. It was hurting more then usual for me. And I was not in a good place. Master could tell I was distracted and not there so He decided to stop, as it was not working for us. He did do enough to leave bruises that are just almost faded now.

On Sunday morning we had brunch with a bunch of friends, but before that j came down to say good-bye and then also Master took some pictures of us together. After brunch Master and I had a couple hours to kill so we drove around Cleveland a little bit so Master could see it. We then went to the airport for Him to catch His plane back home - while I stayed a few extra days in Ohio.

It was a really nice weekend. I am really thankful to the SMART Fest committee for bring us in to do a presentation. They were so helpful and kind! I really enjoyed seeing so many good friends too!

Before I go on to the rest of the trip…

Since my who's who page is down right now…a little on j.

She is someone I love deeply. j does things to me that I have not felt since Morgan. I feel loved and safe when I look in her eyes. I feel accepted and cared for and I feel the same about her. When I am around her, I want to take care of her by taking her into my arms and wrapping her up so she feels safe and loved. She brings the slut out in me. She brings the little girl (only woman I know who has done that to me because I think I see her little girl) and she of course brings out the submissive part of me also. She makes me want to submit because I love her and don't want to displease her.

She and I met online about 6 years ago. And met face to face 5 years ago this month. I was in a different relationship then and she visited us. She was not in a relationship at that time, but was kind of seeing someone. If you can say it like that…not like we really date in the D/s world huh? Anyway, I fell for her instantly and wanted her as part of the family I was in. We had lots of hard times because of that relationship I was in at that time. And it caused a lot of problems for her and I. But the feelings I have had for her have always been and there and I have always been grateful for the time we have had even though it has always been limited.

So…seeing j and having her meet Master was so great. Again time was limited, but I love her very much and I love Master very much so introducing them was very important to me.

The whole weekend was GREAT!

The rest of my Ohio stay to come....

Friday, January 23, 2004

I am home and working on a long post....but for now...

Friday Five

At this moment, what is your favorite...

1. Perfect Girl by Sarah McLachlan

2. cornbread I just made to go with dinner

3. show? Angel

4. ...scent?
Tangerine Spice

5. ...quote? Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love. ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Again another quickie....

I will be flying out today and back to Master. I have missed Him a lot but also enjoyed seeing my friends. I have missed Moni lots so spending time with her was so nice.

I am sure I will post more about my time in Ohio tomorrow...

Other things I need to remember to blog about is...

If the submissive fails the Dominants fails....
Little girl things I have been working through internally and maybe soon work on externally with Master....
Punishment vs Displine...

Hmm I thought there were a couple other things but at least I got those down to remember to work on...

Going to hang out with Moni and finish packing....before we had to the airport this afternoon.

Monday, January 19, 2004

Just a quickie again...

I will write more abou the weekend and my time in Ohio when I get back to Colorado. But for now I probably won't be posting much. We have been so busy I have not had time to and doubt that there will be time before I leave.

So quickly...

Great seeing j!
Nice time at SMART Fest!
And great time being with friends!

Missing Master....but glad for this time with Moni and everyone here in Ohio.....

More details later :)

Friday, January 16, 2004

Wherever the mind wanders, restless and diffuse in its search for satisfaction without, lead it within; train it to rest in the Self. -Bhagavad Gita 6:26

That is what I try so hard to do when I meditate...bring my mind within and just be. Strange as this may sound...but Master does that for me. My mind is so much calmer when I am around Him. And I know why...because He has been the first person I can truly ever count on and trust COMPLETELY. When He says He is going to do something He does. When I get overwhelmed with things going on, He always takes care of it. He helps me find a solution or He just takes care of it so I don't have to worry about it.

He takes His responsibility for Himself as well as all in His care....ME :) I am a lucky girl....

We still act like love sick giddy kids at times....when we have been away from each other especially you should hear us on the phone...I think people we are mushy LOL And we are mushy!

Ohhh Master packed me notes in my bag.....isn't that romantic and sweet? See I am a lucky girl. :)

Okay on to NEWS of Master's trip....

He had a terrible day yesterday and I have yet to see Him. :( Plane had mechanical problems at our little airport on the Western did not take off until almost 2 hours later. So He arrived at next place and of course had missed His connection, so they had other options for Him but none getting Him here last night. He did although get lunch, dinner and a hotel room paid yesterday and breakfast this morning. So I don't think He was too upset.

Moni being such a wonderful friend (said with sarcasm but she really is a wonderful friend) said while we were out shopping last night, "wow what if he does not get here and you have to do the class on your own." I hit her hard for that one! I said don't even think it. So as I type this Master is in the air on His way to Ohio. Thank Goodness!

I don't have much time but wanted to do a quickie...

I need to go paint my toe nails - whore red *grins*

I, of course, thought of things we forgot last night. I know Master brought the service set, but I don't think He packed the cuffs (wrist and ankle) that go with the service set :(

Well I won't be posting this weekend. I am off to SMART Fest today. So Sunday evening or Monday I will try to post about the weekends activities.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

Topics: Arriving in Ohio, Collar amusement, and "Divine Punishment"

Well I am in Ohio :) Moni and her husband Michael came to pick me up last night. Weather here was not the greatest even though the roads were all clear. My flight landed a little late. I was not happy about having to make them wait after they came to Cleveland to get me.

Of course my trip started off with a bit of amusement....

Our airport out on the Western Slope is of course one of those that is teeny tiny...basically 2 gates. Woohoo! So I go to security…I walk through and it beeped at me. So they told me to take my necklace off (aka my collar) and my shoes. I told them I would need my purse back (as it was with my coat in a bin being sent through the scanner) and the man kind of looked at me. I pulled the lock to the front (as I wear it in the back in vanilla settings) and said the key is in my purse. His eyes got as wide and he said Oh! He then handed me my purse. I pulled the key out unlocked it, pulled it off and stuffed it all back in my purse. He just kept looking at me with wide eyes. I went through again and everything was fine. So, fun fun for me. It is funny because the night before Master was looking for the spare key and I said “well I have never had to take it off at the airport yet.” And of course I must have jinxed myself huh? lol Master saw the whole thing He was standing outside the security gate. He got a chuckle out of that.

It is odd that I did not find it at all embarrassing - I was actually kind of surprised the security guy acted so shocked. I guess they never have any goth/industrial types come through with all their spikes and collars? *shrugs* Oh yeah I am small town! DUH :)

Master just called from our airport and there are mechanical problems…so everyone cross your fingers they get it fixed quickly and efficiently so that He can be in the air soon. (time 2:02pm Eastern time right now and He was suppose to be taking off at 2pm)

The Second part of the trip was kind of long, but not bad. I finished up reading Cerulean Sins by Laurell K. Hamilton. They were big comfy sits and no one in the that was nice.

The first part of the flight was not too bad either - though a smaller plane and less comfy. But I didn't have to sit with anyone again so that is good. I did sit behind a man that I ended up kind of reading over his shoulder. He was reading a book that…I nearly getting physically ill reading. I had to stop because I really thought I might get sick to my stomach. He was reading Roar in Sodom and I am not putting a link to it – as it does not deserve one.

Here is what one website says about the book:

“Sodom, the land that was so vile in the sight of the Lord, so forward in its perversion that God in His justice destroyed it by a rain of fire, is a reminder that God does not tolerate sin forever. But surely we don't rival Sodom in aggressive, bold sinning. Or do we? Are we headed for judgment? More importantly, can there be revival? Yes! But Anderson believes we only have a window of mercy. Now is the time for the Church, in fresh humility and repentance, to raise its voice urgently and with tears confront society's sins and call for repentance. Anderson examines self-delusions, blatant lies, and pride that rationalize societal sins such as bloodshed in the womb, immorality, and teaching our children to sin - evils that point to our judgment. Anderson urges churches across our nation to come together in a Solemn assembly for corporate repentance. The church must cry out for a renewed heart, we must pray intercessory prayers, and we must lift a prophetic roar against wickedness as modeled by Scripture that we may be a nation forgiven by God.”

Okay maybe it does not sound from the description something to make me physically ill just annoyed but I assure you what I read did…

I read…

That AIDS was “divine punishment from God” – that is quoted in there. And that there were positive from AIDS – that it showed how homosexuality and drug users were wrong in their sinning. And that it also showed the sanctity in marriage. The few pages I read was all about homosexuality being wrong and that AIDS was the “divine punishment” and that how America needs to see that basically to have america saved. It really really made me ill because as I looked at the man reading this I was appalled that someone actually might believe the crap that was written in that book. And I was so hoping that he didn’t. Anyway, I had to stop reading over his should because I was getting sick and I thought if I read more I might have to ask the man if he believed what was in the book and that would probably be a debate that would not be good for the closed confines of an airplane for nearly 2 hours.

It just really disturbed me. I am not sure why I so shocked that someone actually wrote something like that but also someone was reading it. I mean I know people out there believe that…I guess I try to pretend they don’t. :(

Compassion…the world needs understanding and compassion.

Last night in a conversation with Moni....I said that I believe there is kind of a karma in relationships. That if you lower your standards and date a married person, date someone who does not meet your needs, date people who lie and cheat, date people who are not compatible with you, date a person who abuse you and so on then that is all you are ever going to get. It is like do good things you get good things. You date good people you will find the right person that is right for you.

Because you are being disrespectful to yourself. Do good things and allow good things in your life and you will reap the benefits.

Hmmm I think that is about all for now….I think I am going to go look over the notes for the class again and take a nap as I am a little jet lagged.

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

Okay probably just a quickie again tonight...

I have been busy getting ready to leave for Ohio. I leave today (by the time I post this). Master will fly in a day later and then we will be going to SMART Fest for the weekend. I also got an email from j today saying she will be there so I am very VERY very happy that I will get to see her and Master will be able to meet her. And I also will be seeing quite a few other friends during the weekend and that will be nice too! I am staying on a few more days then to hang out with Moni. On Monday we are having lunch with a bunch of girls and then on Tuesday dinner with some friends and then Wednesday I head back to Master.

Here is something I have been playing with all week....a friend on livejournal posted it. :) It is like playing with paperdolls but virtual ones.

And ending my night with a few quotes...

Real Love is not based on attachment, but on altruism. In this case, your compassion will remain as a humane response to suffering as long as beings continue to suffer. -His Holiness the Dalai Lama

Firewood becomes ash, and it does not become firewood again. Yet, do not suppose that the ash is future and the firewood past. You should understand that firewood is firewood, which fully includes past and future. Ash is ash, which fully includes future and past. Just as firewood does not become firewood again after it is ash, you do not return to birth after death. -Dogen, "Actualizing the Fundamental Point"

Just to be is a blessing. Just to live is holy. - Rabbi Abraham Heschel

Whenever you fall, pick something up. - Oswald Avery

Monday, January 12, 2004

Just a quickie...

Master always takes care of everything. Today I was getting very nervous, overwhelmed and such with the impending trip. and He as usual took care of me...and solved some of my problems. I am very lucky!

Saturday, January 10, 2004

Mood: good but tired and out of it a little bit
Music: none just hearing Master's Madden 2004 Playstation game playing in background
Topic: Weekend Update - playing recap :)

Not even sure how to start this post...

Hmmmm...last night we had chinese take-out and watched movies. Honey called me. It was nice to chat with her as I had not had a chance to in a while. I chatted with Moni the other day too on the phone and am looking forward to seeing her next week :)

I am still feeling fuzzy and out of it from our day of play. It was too heavy or anything I think there was just an intimacy level there that was more intense.

It is so odd with Master and I at times - I will think something and He will moments later do or say the thing I was thinking about - not only in play but in vanilla related things too. It is the same with Him too He has been thinking something and then I mention the same thing. And that type of thing happened a lot today.

Master and I slept in because we went to bed late. I was having some anxiety about sleeping last night as the night before last was literally a horror. So we slept in and when we woke we laid in bed talking, snuggling and then taking little cat naps....

After one of the little cat naps Master started playing with my breasts grabbing, squeezing, twisting, slapping, punching. I was having trouble accepting it (mentally). I just was not in that frame of mind so it was kind of hard to jump into a playing mindset. So it really hurt more then it usually does when in the mindset. Master then put the gag harness on me and it puts me in a space almost immediately. I was fuzzy. (I hope Ray reads this next part as he will love it LOL) He started pulling on my tits like you milk a cow and told me that He had fantasies of bring me to a barn and putting me in a stall. The binding me up so that I was on all fours but not able to use hands and feet. And then putting a big cow bell around my neck and milking me like a cow from my utters. He did it so hard and long that I was really wiggling around in pain. And then He stopped and just started using my tits like a punching bag....He just kept punching one blow after another on my tits.

He then told me to take my panties off....and He pushed my legs up and pressed the vibrator to my cunt. I humped the vibrator to orgasm and then He snuggled me up close and told me I was a good girl and He was proud of me. Something that every time He says still gets to makes me cry because I almost can't believe I have someone telling me that...not sure that makes sense.

I then started stroking His cock and before long He was taking me. *blushing* Afterwards we snuggle for a bit and then He released me from the ball gag harness.

We took our ritual shower together and afterwards went to run some errands. It was late in the afternoon by the time we were done playing and taking our shower and we had not ate all day so we were hungry so went and grabbed something to eat before our errands.

It is cold outside so I am glad we are back home. I will be going to make dinner soon and we will be watching The Thomas Crown Affair. I like the first version but never saw the remake with Pierce Brosnan and Rene Russo.

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

Mood: pretty okay despite having fighting a migraine all day
Music: Sarah McLachlan ~ Afterglow
Topics: Master being WONDERFUL as usual, Denver Nuggets, F*ckhose, Ritual Shower

This evening Master and I were watching Angel and an advertisement came on for the release of Underworld on DVD. And Master said that He thought He should go get it for me. I told Him it was not necessary - to which He laughed - as He does often when I say things like that. He said I deserve it. *smiles* I have a wonderful Master. :) So He went to Wal-Mart and told me to sign online and vote for the NBA All-Stars.

We were watching the Denver Nuggets after Angel. So I just voted (needed some help from Master after He got home as I am not as into basketball as I used to be - so did not know who was who except for some Nuggets that we like). I voted for Carmello Anthony, Nene and also did a write in vote of Camby from the Nuggets too. One person that I always liked when I was into basketball was Reggie Miller. So on the Eastern Conference I voted for him.

This a journal entry....

If you have read my journal long enough you know that I dress for my Master every night when He comes home from work. A few weeks ago Master mentioned something about He wanted to rip into a pair of pantyhose and fuck me through the hole in them. He liked the thought of ripping them and also fucking me. Anyway, He did not want to do it to a good pair (I have hose that I wear that are hard to find here on the Western Slope in Colorado) so one night He came home and I was wearing a pair of pantyhose and said informed him that the hose I was wearing were hose that if He wanted to rip and fuck me in He could. Well that gave Him enough inspiration that He took me to the bedroom to play!

He put the leather hood on and laced it up very tight. Probably the tightest it had been before that night. He played with my breasts caressing them softly at first - almost giving me the impression he wasn't going to be sadistic - and then of course he began to be more harsh on them. He slapped and punched. He then turned me on my stomach and spanked me. A nice erotic spanking mixed in with some sadistic punching to my ass also. I was very very turned on and moaning. He ripped a hole in the pantyhose and then used my vibrator on me while spanking me. I had a very intense orgasm! Finally He pulled me to the edge of the bed and fucked me hard. I was screaming and moaning and writhing with pain and pleasure. mmmmmmmmm It was a good night!

/end journal entry

The hose that I chose for Master to rip into are not pretty hose as they are a pair that have a big crotch area that is re-enforced. And thus they are very strong in that area so they did not run. So I washed them to see if they would survive and they did because last night....

I put them on while getting dressed and made up for Master. I waited for Master in a black shirt flowing shirt with ONE button done so it was flowing open to expose my breasts and the other thing I was wearing....THAT pair of pantyhose. Master loves pantyhose so he saw the silky nylon stretching around my belly and bottom and was very pleased when He came home. He told me that I looked delicious and I said..."oh one more thing you might like about this pair"...I turned around and bent over. And He smiled and said, "Looks like my girl is begging to be fucked."

Well I helped perk Master up...that is my job right? *grins* someone has to do it...such a hard job! :) *blushing*

So we had dinner and talked about the class we are doing at SMART Fest. I then started to clean the kitchen. While cleaning, the phone rang. It was girlie. I had called on Tuesday, but she was not home and instead I talked to Grumbler Sir for a little bit. Anyway, girlie called me back last night and we talked. And I said, "do you want me to tease you?" She of course being the slut she is....*grins* said yes and I told her what I was wearing. Master calls them my fuckhose so I told her I was wearing a pair of hose that Master refers to as fuckhose. I then told her about the scene we had that created them. She was squirming. She can't say swear words. So she told me I would have to tell Grumbler Sir sooooo I told him and Master watched me and chuckled as I blushed and squirmed because it was far more embarrassing telling Grumbler Sir that then it was girlie.

After the phone call, Master and I chatted some more and watched some tv before heading to the bedroom where He again proceeded to put the leather hood on me, but He laced it up so tight that when we took it off I had a seam line on my nose and chin lol He had me on my back and He was very cruel to my tits. He really was squeezing, twisting, pounding and slapping them hard. It felt like He was trying to rip them off! And the same with the nipples. He then got out one of His favorite toys - that Katrina gave me. It is a music baton. It is like a little cane and hurts....a sharp intense pain. It is one of those that feels like it pierces the skin and then spreads out and then kind of goes away - like a cane does. But how Master uses it - the pain does not stop as He does not let it disappear - so it just seems to increase!

So He used that on my tits. I was VERY wet and turned on before He got the vibrator out and used it on me. But for reasons He and I talked about - I was not able to have an orgasm. He was VERY turned on so He took me, used me, fucked me. :) It was hard and rough - just the way I like it. *blushing* After He used me, we snuggle and talked. When He took the hood off and saw the seam, He was happy.

While we were playing - when He was abusing my tits - I snuggled up against Him. It is such a paradox....He is the person I feel safe with yet He was hurting my tits...abusing them...torturing them so I snuggled against Him to feel safe. But yet He was the one causing me to suffer. So where is the logic in me snuggling up against the sadist causing me this pain? LOL

He did stop a little bit when I snuggled up against Him - though not for long - as it gave Him a whole another set of of emotions to want to use me. His hooded girl being so close - the leather rubbing up against His skin and Him knowing it was His animal - His nothing really turned Him on even more. I think that is about the time when He got the baton out. LOL

hmm what else I think I have a few other things I want to write about...

This morning we did a ritual shower. We had not done one in a long while and so it was quite intense. It was wonderful though. I got to bath Master, play with His cock and feel all the soapy water drip on me after He pissed, came and spit on me. *blushing*

While looking for my past description of our ritual showers, I found this post and it made me wet thinking about it....the bruises and lip.

Well I can't find the description in my archives, but here is the one I used to have on my website...

We take a shower together. I sit in the bottom of the shower. Master starts the shower off with pissing. I am working to drink all of His piss during this time, but He also splashes some on me too. But the goal is to drink as most of it as I can drink. Master then goes to the usual part of the shower - that is basically taking His shower as normal. All His soapy suds and water from washing His body dripping on me as He washes up.

I also sometimes play with Master cock and He cums on me. He spits on me in the shower also. Always tilting my face up to Him as He spits on me so it drips down my face. I feel very used and dirty.

So that is the shower - the shower at first made me so fuzzy it was hard to focus after them. It puts me in my place - reminds me who I am - and gets me in the right place to start the day. They are very intense and still make me a little fuzzy, but as I said start my day out putting me in the right mindset to focus on doing good work for Master.

If anyone wants some good masturbational fodder...they should read some of the archvies...especially these...(I got side tracked looking at archives when looking for description of shower so decided to share *blushing*) Most of Febuary 2003. And much of the July archive especially after Thunder in the Mountains!

Master is watching X2 while I write this....tomorrow I hope the migraine stays away so I can get some things accomplished. I also hope I sleep well as the last 2 nights have been kind of restless.
Your Love Situation by Amberishjewel
Your Love Is...Gentle
During Lovemaking You Act...Like a volcano, hot & steamy
Your Partner Is...Your master
Your Partner Has Said That You...Are a great lover
Your Love is Summed Up In A Quote."One must know how to seduce"
Created with quill18's MemeGen!
Well it is January 7th and someone I love is having a Birthday...

Happy Birthday Jackie!

I hope your birthday is wonderful Princess!

And I put it in pink on purpose! *grins* (inside joke between Jackie and I)

Sunday, January 04, 2004

Quizzes, Passion/Submission, Horoscopes...

I am The Lovers

The Lovers often refers to a relationship that is based on deep love - the strongest force of all. The relationship may not be sexual, although it often is or could be. More generally, the Lovers can represent the attractive force that draws any two entities together in a relationship - whether people, ideas, events, movements or groups.

For a full description of your card and other goodies, please visit

What tarot card are you? Enter your birthdate.

Month: Day: Year:


I have cut stuff from this one :)

Your Life path number is 6.

There are 288 days till your next birthday
and there are 356 days till Christmas 2004!

The moon's phase on the day you were
born was full.

The Life Path Number
The Life Path is the sum of the birth date. This number represents who you are at birth and the native traits that you will carry with you through life. The most important number that will be discussed here is your Life Path number. The Life Path describes the nature of this journey through life.

The Life Path 6 indicates that very prominent in your nature is a strong sense of responsibility. You are idealistic and must feel useful to be happy. The main contribution you make is that of advice, service and ever present support. This is the Life Path related to leadership by example and assumption of responsibility, thus, it is your obligation to pick up the burden and always be ready to help. The Life Path 6 is one who is compelled to function with strength and compassion, a sympathetic and kind person, generous with personal and material resources. Wisdom, balance, and understanding are the cornerstones of this Life Path. Your extraordinary wisdom and the ability to understand the problems of others is apt to commence from an early age allowing you to easily span the generation gap and assume an important role in life early on. While the 6 may assume huge responsibilities in the community, the life revolves around the immediate home and family, for this is the most domestic of numbers. Most with Life Path 6 are the positive types who willingly carry far more than their fair share of the load and are always there when needed. You are very human and realistic about life, and you feel that the most important thing in your life is the home, family and friends.

The number 6 Life Path actually produces few negative examples, but there are some pitfalls peculiar to the path. Avoid a tendency to become overwhelmed by responsibilities and a slave to others. Also, avoid being too critical (of yourself or of others). The misuse of this Life Path produces tendencies towards exaggeration, over-expansiveness, and self-righteousness. Imposing one's views in an interfering or meddling way must be an issue of concern. The natural burdens of this number are heavy, and on rare occasions, responsibility is abdicated by persons with this Life Path 6. This rejection of responsibility will make you feel very guilty and uneasy, and it will have very damaging effects upon your relationships with others.

So does that sound like me?


Passion in Submission

Today was Football day (not a good football day so don't bring it up to Master - lol) that left me reading and surfing the web. I really spent a lot of time sorting pictures for my adult yahoo picture group.

Each day I send out pictures daily to my yahoogroup and I used to get turned on a lot by them. But now I just kind of don't see them. But today as I was looking pictures (to get ready for weeks ahead - each week is a theme so I gather the themes ahead of time - this past week was hogtied), I was seeing passion, suffering, pain, love, focus, humiliation and so much more....

I saw submission...they were not struggling, but enduring pain...

There were pictures of women that should have maybe been struggling and writhing in pain, but they were simply submitting to the the person causing the pain....

More then that....submitting...not only body, but with passion and humility.

All that coming out in a picture...maybe that is what I was wanting to see...

Because those are things I am missing right now. I serve Master daily. We have the power exchange always. But I serve Him in ways that really don't bring those feelings out though. I do it because it is my duty as His slave. I want to submit without thinking or feeling....

no that is not the right words...I want to feel, but I wish I could feel....that humility and passion in each movement...caring only what I can do to please and serve.

I want and desire to please and serve Master...and do both.

I just want to feel the passion and humility from the submission again.

But I have to say it is just like any relationship not just a M/s one....there were times in my vanilla life it felt off...felt like the passion was missing and other times it was loaded with passion.

I just am missing the passion of submission. I remember the good old days of getting wet cleaning Master's toilet that is not there. At times I think some of those things that did cause me to feel that passion in my submission - have been grown beyond. Like I have done that, accomplished it and now I am ready to go somewhere new? Not that cleaning the toilet is not a task that I don't want (using just as an example LOL) it is just that I want the next that the right word..challenge? I just want to feel the passion and humility in my submission.



His...SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): Communication with others is always important to you Archers, but now and old misunderstanding can come back to haunt you. It may be that a detail fell through the cracks, and now you have to go back and get the information that you missed. This can put some strain on a variety of relationship in your life as you seek to turn this problem into an opportunity. But then again, you are very skilled at turning lemons into lemonade.

mine...LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): You make it look easy, but it's really not. You could be struggling now in ways that aren't apparent to others. You want to love and be loved, but it's difficult to bring the truth out without having to deal with some temporarily unpleasant consequences. Take it slowly. You might not know which way to turn yet, but as the fog lifts, your next move will become quite obvious to you. And it's a move that you'll be ready to make.


I have started and stopped an entry a lot in the last 3 months....

But I think I am going to have to do it because it just keeps eating at me. It will be a rant about friends. It hurts and irritates me that I have to write about it. Because that means it has gotten so bad that I can't just let it go anymore. :(

Master just came in to give me a piece of candy and made me pant and bark for it. *blushing*

Okay signing off to go watch Trading Spaces with Master.

Saturday, January 03, 2004

Just a BUNCH of quotes...

"'I am breathing in and making my whole body calm and at peace. I am breathing out and making my whole body calm and at peace.' This is how one practices." -The Sutra on Full Awareness of Breathing

You must discern the result in the cause, and discern the cause in the result. -Ta-sui

Mindfulness is never boring. -Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, "Mindfulness in Plain English"

He who has not attained the power yet wears the garb of saints
Is like a cow that grazes about wearing a tiger's skin.

He who conceals himself beneath saintly robes and commits sins
Is like the hunter who hides in the bushes to snare unwary birds.
-Tirukkural 28: 273-274

Avoid the crowd. Do your own thinking independently. Be the chess player, not the chess piece. - Ralph Charell

In the beginning mindfulness takes away worries and fears about past and future and keeps us anchored in the present. In the end it points to the right view of the self. -Ayya Khema, "Be and Island"

You can only have bliss if you don't chase it. -Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, "Mindfulness in Plain English"
Horoscopes for today...

His...SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): The energy in your life shifts now as you move your attention to a variety of situations. Most important on your list is how you manage your relationship with others. An unexpected twist can turn your day upside-down but if you are willing to be flexible, this can set you free from what was holding you back. Your logic is somewhat clouded now, so try to put off the most important decisions for a day or two.

mine...LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): These have been times of growth for you in ways that are not necessarily seen by others. Your inner work has taken on a practical orientation, but it could be a while before the benefits become obvious. It can be frustrating, however, if you attempt to stay in the logical realms, for your imagination now needs to have some breathing room. Give yourself permission to dream or to daydream, without any need to be productive.

I think is weird how a topic comes up in one area of your life and then it seems to shoot up around you....isn't that odd? Does that happen to anyone else? Several lists I am on have been talking about - M/s groups, the need for friends and/or group that desire M/s relationships and also about prejudices against people in M/s relationships in the BDSM community when I wrote about that a few weeks ago. And now I am going over an article I wrote about collars and it seems to be a subject I am running into on a few lists.

In a post on December 21, I should not have said levels as that does not convey what I wanted it too (on my posts about who is better slaves or submissives.) I should have been clearer about that. I don't think it is a continuum....of you start as a bottom and work your way up to a slave. I have known people who have been slaves and then ended up being a bottom. I have known bottoms that have ended up as slaves. We each have our path. We each have to go in a direction that is best for ourselves and have our own personal process.

I mean I look at my strange it is...

Started as kinky play at 16
Enslaved to Don at 18
And then it kind of goes all over the place from just being in vanilla relationships with occasional kink, to being submissive to my husband (no terminology for it - just me thinking I am being a "good" wife). And moving to being a bottom, to being in a long distance D/s relationship, to being a slave in a poly household, to being a bottom again and then in a D/s relationship and now a slave to Master.

I don't know how many times I wondered if I was submissive. I don't know how many times I was told I was not submissive. (More times then I care to remember) I was told that I could never be a slave. I was told I was too assertive and independent to be submissive. I was told I too strong willed. I was told I was too smart (yes really). I was told I had too strong of personality. I was told I was too opinionated (have a few friends that probably thought that one a few times *grins*)

But I am here has taken a long time to get to this place of...being Master's property and slave. I think more importantly it took a long time before I allowed myself to be okay with being a slave. That I could be a slave and have a brain too. That I could be a slave and have an opinion. That I could be a slave and still be me. Because a slave is who I am…and when I fight it…that is when I feel unfulfilled.

On to other things...

I am getting nervous about speaking at SMART Fest. Master and I are going to speak about Living the Lifestyle within Reality. It is a topic near and dear to our hearts as it is something we have struggled with. We all, I think, go through a phase of thinking a 24/7 D/s relationship is hot S&M and sex 24/7 but of course we all know that is not true. But now that those expectations have been let down how do you learn to live within reality and enjoy your M/s or D/s relationship for what it is....real.

I have spoke a few times and I am terrible LOL I get sick to my stomach and so nervous I can barely speak. Yet, I have pushed myself to do things like this because I hope that it becomes easier. And I have been doing this...BDSM...for a while and been encouraged to share my thoughts and that is why I have done the public speaking thing.

So....Master and I are going to speak....not only once but 2 times too. I just am thankful it will be with Master and not alone. I remember when I was on a panel about was much easier then being up alone in front of a big group. The largest group I spoke to was 80-some people - and it was the first time I spoke (that is when I met Moni).

Okay what else...Oh New Years usually kind of a bad night for me. It usually gives me flashbacks to things of the past. And this is the FIRST year that has not happened. I mean I thought about it but it did not send fear through me. It was more of a reflection...then a flashback. I am not sure that makes sense. But anyway, I was very happy that it turned out that way. No flashbacks just a nice quiet evening with Master. :)

This week has been a week of movie watching....Banger Sisters, White Oleander, Two Weeks Notice, and Mona Lisa Smile (plus Master watched Star Trek Nemisis).

Banger Sisters not a bad movie. I loved Suzette's (who was played by Goldie Hawn) references to sex. I related to it in many ways. I had seen White Oleander before, but liked seeing it again. I think Michelle Pfeiffer looks incredible in this movie. I like Hugh Grant. Four Wedding and a Funeral is such a funny movie to me. And I think he is very funny in Two Weeks Notice. And I like him with Sandra Bullock too.

On New Years Day we went to see Mona Lisa Smile. I thought it was a fairly good movie could have been better. I really wanted to see it because I am a Julia Roberts fan...yes really lol And then it had someone else I really like too...Maggie Gyllenhaal. Plus it had Julia Stiles, Kirsten Dunst and Ginnifer Goodwin (who Master liked and linked on His journal)

Thursday, January 01, 2004

A New Year....2004!

"May your year be filled with greater compassion for others, a deeper sense of tranquility for yourself, and a sense of adventure as you move into unnamed vistas ahead. May a sense of joy permeate your stillness and your actions spring from the depths of wisdom realized. "

That came in a New Year card. :)

This past year has given me so has given me dreams come true. I am truly blessed and amazed.

The 2003 meme

You will see a common theme in 2003.....Master! *grins*

1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before?
I guess the thing that keeps coming to mind is that I had faith in Master and I. I just knew it was right...and anytime doubts or fears started to play up - I would come back to that faith - that center that told me - He and I are meant to be together. So I am glad I listened to the center....kept faith in us and did not let those fears and doubts distroy our dream.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't make resolutions.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

4. Did anyone close to you die?

5. What countries did you visit?

6. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003?
less stress for Master, more acceptance

7. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Feb. 1 ~ meeting Master
May 9 ~ coming home to Master

8. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?

allowing myself to be happy....allowing myself to find peace...all thanks to Master

9. What was your biggest failure(s)?
not sure I see anything as a real failure...per se.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

just the usual flu and cold

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My trip home to Master

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
for me....just me....mine. I have become more calm and at peace with myself...and I know I owe that to Master so I celebrate Him too.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Certain friends

14. Where did most of your money go?
moving to Colorado

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Many things! The 2 big ones though would be...Meeting Master! Coming home to Master!

Other things include: seeing all my friends in September....Grumbler and girlie's parents meeting Master,

16. What song will always remind you of 2003?
I am sure there are many, but the one that is coming to mind of course right now is Feels Like Home by Chantel Kreviazuk

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder?

very happy....I am more happy and at peace then I ever remember being.

- ii. thinner or fatter?
stayed same

- iii. richer or poorer?

I don't own anything so I guess poorer lol but so much richer in that fact that I am where I have always dreamed of being.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Not that I could have done this but I wish I would have had more time with friends.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
I can't think of anything at the moment.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
with Master having a cozy Christmas!

22. Did you fall in love in 2003?

23. How many one-night stands?

ummm none

24. What was your favourite TV program?
As always Buffy. Trading Spaces being another.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don't think I can "hate" anyone. There is several people I dislike a lot. LOL

26. What was the best book you read?

terrible to say that I did not read a whole lot in 2003...
I re-read the Valkyries and The Forgetting Room...both favorites. But I feel I am forgetting others that I enjoyed but obviously did not impact me that much lol

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I don't think I had a great musical discovery...Music has always played an important part in my life. I guess the album I related to the most this year was Evanescene ~ Fallen

28. What did you want and get?
to serve and please a wonderful Master :)

29. What did you want and not get?
there are some things but nothing that I am going to say.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
2nd and 3rd Matrix :)

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Master just has His surgery so we had a quiet night at home watching all the Matrix movies (The Matrix, Animatrix, Matrix Reloaded) before the 3rd came out. And then I made cheesecake for dessert/b-day cake. :) It turned out really yummy! The first one I made in the altitude so I was a little nervous! I turned 36 :(

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

MASTER!!! :)

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003?
LOL I think this is a silly questions but also a fun question for the girly girl in me. Well I dress up more since being with Master. The fashion concept is wear what Master likes! LOL :)

34. What kept you sane?

Master. There is just no more chaos in my life and that keeps me so much more sane.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
hmmm I don't think there is really anyone.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

There are several things that really irritated me, but it is hard with me because I get so empathic with things like that - that it overwhelms me.

37. Who did you miss?
My parents and my friends

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Well Master is someone new I met in 2003 sooooo He would be the best new person!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003:
That being open and honest with yourself - sticking to your beliefs and keeping the dream alive will land you where you want to be!

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

From Feels Like Home by Chantel Kreviazuk

Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
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