Monday, October 31, 2005

Halloween Costumes

A friend over on Live Journal was talking about the old customes that came in a Ben Cooper box (or out of the box) and her favorite halloween costume and so I thought I would recount some of the costumes I wore as a kid.

I had a couple of those that looked just like the kind that came the box...but I can't remember for sure. Most of the time we couldn't afford them. So I dressed up in whatever Mom could find around the house to pull together for a costume --

Hobo Clown - Mom painted my face and she sewed orange yarn into a hat and then sewed patches on an old pair of my jeans and patches on an old plaid suit jacket. Cut cardboard out that fit over my shoes for a big floppy shoe. a big polka-dotted hanky in the suit pocket. I remember being this many years.

Old woman - old stuff from my grandma - dress that Mom pinned and tucked to get it stay on and not be so long that I would trip, a shawl, fake pearls, a hat, and a cane

Cowboy - I had things in my wardrobe that would my Aunt worked a western store....western belt, western shirt, vest with all sorts of beading on it on it in western designs and fringe, jeans, cowboy boots

Indian girl - I am sure now days that would be un-pc to do. I had a dress that was very plain kind of jumper and then a sueded vest that I wore as a cowboy over that added native american designed blanket over that. Mom made into a like a cape and then she took a box and wrapped with fabric and punched holes it to put laces through so I could wear on my back like a pappoose and stuck one of my dolls in it.

Laura Ingalls - I had a costume a neighbor made me to be in a parade for the bicentinal of the town I lived in and so that got used as a halloween costume too. It was much like the dress on the website only in blue. I even had a bonnet.

A 50's Girl - had a skirt that was shaped like a poodle but plaid did that with a little twin sweater set with a scarf around my neck, hair in a pony tail, mary janes and bobby socks

I really didn't have a favorite as a kid as I always felt like it was just thrown together. And a lot of times it was as Mom didn't have time to plan them out for us before hand. And we basically didn't get to request what we wanted. We just were what ever she told us she could pull together.

I guess I always liked the Laura Ingalls costume the most as I loved the books, I watched the show (still do at times and want the dvd set too) but the reason I really liked it the best as it was made. It wasn't handy me downs or clothes out of my closet made into a costumes.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Yay for Pain!

I am a happy floaty girl right now....

Master and I had dinner and then watched a few episodes of West Wing to finish up season 6. After I asked permission to use the bathroom, but Master had other ideas. He started with grabbing and squeezing my breasts harder then He did at lunch! It instantly hit my masochistic buttons. I wanted more. I could feel the desire grow. I knew He wanted more too. We sat on the couch for a bit with Him inflicting pain on me in various ways.

Soon He was leading me by my hair to the bathroom where He had me go to the bathroom while giving Him a blow job. His cock felt so good in my mouth. After, I was done pissing....we went to the bedroom and got naked. We climbed into bed and He started in with inflicting pain on my tits again. Which lead to Him punching them. It is one of those love hate things. I love that I was feeling all these masochistic feeling from the pain but at the same time I was feeling that fear that comes with not knowing what will come next and hoping it will be something that will hurt even more. So, I was having all sorts of thoughts and images racing through my brain, when he decides to ask me what I was thinking about....of course in that moment He has to do that. I was thinking about pain and darkness which had lead to thought of the blackness the hood gives me. So I of course told Him and told me to beg for the hood. And I did so easily as I wanted to just fall into the blackness of it not only feel that blackness that comes with the pain for me -- but the blackness of hood....where I sink into myself. Master having a hood fetish was pleased by my desire of course. He pulled the black leather hood with slits around the nose/mouth and laced it up tight. He would go between grabbing and squeezing my tits -- to punching them -- and then moving to fingering my wet cunt. And after a while He started in on face slapping...which lead to another thing we enjoy -- face punching.

It is not like taking a swing at someone. It is very controlled in force and placement. My face is fine - no bruising just quite red at the moment. I loved it and it really sent me into a wonderful state of blackness. And I know Master loved it as well as He became very turned on. After a little while of going between various pains He had me masturbate myself while He did the same. When He came He smeared His cum into my body as I continued to masturbate. I came shortly after and we both snuggled into each other very happy and satiated....for the time being....yes smiling in hopes we have some more play time this weekend!

Oh and my tits are still hurting from all the abuse they have taken tonight but....I still want more.


You are 93% Submissive!
and dominant personality traits are part of everyone's natural make-up.
You may be very dominant in the workplace or in being the head of your
family, and yet still be submissive when it comes to relationship or
sexual matters.

If you scored high you may want to look into BDSM as a healthy
outlet for your need to serve and obey. If you scored very high it's
likely you have already done so.

If you scored very low you may want to take my test on dominance, and may have already explored BDSM as a healthy outlet for your need to control and direct others.

You can find out more about this topic at my site.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 99% on Submissive
Link: The Are You A Born Submissive Test written by subthoughts on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Lunch Time Quickie

Lunch so nice.

Master comes home for lunch and it is a nice to see Him in the middle of the day. Especially those days He works late.

Today was not exception and in fact it was a very nice lunch. We not only talked and took care of some mail that needed to go out, but I received a card from Master. One of those cards that within the first line of it I was crying. It was one of those hallmark connection cards that has all the right things a person feels inside and wants to express in it. And this one did exactly was beautiful. Thank you Master!

Also I got a little quickie of pain and desire. We were in the office discussing something and then He had to leave. He got up before me....He was behind my chair...He reached down with one hand and grabbed one of my tits and squeezed, grabbed and twisted. It was hard, but I know not as a hard as He could have done. He used His other hand to wrap into my hair and pull my head back so He could see my expression on my face from the pain. It was a delicious pain. I would say the inner masochist has been awake lately. As the pain hurts, but I am enjoying it just for the pain sake. He then grabbed me up out of the chair and continued to squeeze one of my breasts and had me put my other hand on his crotch. His cock was hard under His jeans and I could really feel my arousal just go up even more! Oh I wish He had not had to go back to work because sucking on His cock and being fucked by Him sounded so nice....but I guess that will have to wait for tonight and/or this weekend.

I need to get back to work.....just wanted to share my wonderful lunchtime.

(by the way I told Master about the post and He made me stand up like I was reciting a book report and read it outloud to Him)

Thursday, October 27, 2005

5 Years of Blogging

Yes...yes it is 5 years of blogging. It seems longer actually to me. I was reading random entries from the last 5 years. It was kind of much has happened in 5 years. I was looking through the entries making a list of things that happened that I wanted to point out or recall again. But there is so much. It has been a roller coaster ride. I am not sure how many people reading this have actually been around reading the full 5 years I have been blogging.

I started the blog as a positive step forward in allowing myself to be me. So that I could be real to myself. My thought was putting it all out there meant that I had to be true myself or otherwise anyone reading would know I wasn't. It also was to help me clarify my journey and to just keep track or recount my life's daily events. I was kind of floundering the summer before starting the blog. And was just starting to get a direction and able to just stand when I started the journal. It was still a tough time of it. But I was slowly making positive steps in making my life better. I was really getting solid in my work/business. I was enjoying it. In December 2000, things came to a head personally - and I made a line that I would not cross again. And it felt good and empowering.

And from there it just kept growing...sometimes being very superficial, other times expressing what moved me and yet other times exposing myself -- being raw and vulnerable. I have a lot of chaos to get to this point in my have the serene peacefulness.

Over the years there has been many relationships in my life some for long term others for short terms. (I can see DM nodding her head in agreement wtih this one.) I have had adventures and excitement. I created a business and had it flourish. I have had painful break ups. I have had love and betrayal. I have joy and pain. But I also have had wonderful wonderful friends that I know I will count as friends always. I have the kind of friends that are there for you in the really hard times. And I grateful for all they have done for me through our friendship.

In that 5 years of blogging, Master found me. He actually read my blog for many months before contacting me....what a BRAVE BRAVE soul He was for contacting this girl who seemed to be on a constant roller coaster ride.

So, I look back to these 5 years and see a multitude of memories...

* Business...that I enjoyed and learned so much about myself. Gained so much self-confidence and self-love. And then the eventual closing of it also which left me a little lost and confused.
* Relationships....poly, single, trying, Daddy/little girl, vanilla, play partners, love, betrayal, softness, roughness, D/s, M/s and all the others that fall in that mix...all growing experiences
* Going to Germany...being there for was a big impact on my life in how it changed relationships and my business
* sickness
* visiting friends...Guardian and nuala, jackie and others
* good holidays with family and friends and also difficult ones
* friends helping me out in difficult times....especially Bill and Lisa, Moni and her husband Michael - Thank you all for being such good friends!
* Meeting Master...and the memories with Him are countless as there are new ones everyday. And with Him I am now in a place I am very grateful to be...His property, His slave...His.

I am sure I a missing 5 years creates quite a few of them.

So while I read the archives this year- it was much different then last year. Last year I had the whole range of emotions and this year I read them and basically said, "yup that is my life." And there was no sadness, tears, anger or cringing...there was just...acceptance of my life. It is all me...the real me...there in the words of my blog...the good the bad and the ugly. I started blogging to help me figure it out...who I am and it has helped. It has helped me remain true to myself and be real. I will keep on being real with myself and keep plugging forward in the continual learning and growing not only through this blog but through life. I am very glad I started it and I hope to be blogging for many many more years.

I want to thank everyone that reads my blog...sends me emails, comments and such. You are all wonderful! You also help me in my journey....Thank you!

And I am going to end with
The Velveteen Rabbit as I did last year too:
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you..."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.

"When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt...It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Releasing Stress?

I think I am coming down from the stress....of the last month. I feel so drained and sad today. Though I should be thrilled my client's website is done and up. So, I think I am just releasing lots of stress I had been holding in....

I have several emails to entries to write......comments to write.....and such....

But I am just feeling like I need a break right now. So I am going to go organize my art room as it looks like a tornado hit and then maybe have some time to even do some art this evening. I am sure that will make me feel better!

Monday, October 24, 2005

People Watching....People's Stories

I love to people watch...more so I love to try to figure out their story...what is happening in that moment.

Some examples...of recent but I could tell many like this as I do this SO MUCH!

The Restaurant

Shortly after coming home from SR Master and I went to dinner and the there was a man and woman and a little girl sitting in the booth across from us. The man and woman sitting on the same side. The little girl by the way is about 6 or 7 -- is my guess anyway. I overheard little bits and pieces of their questions to each other and it seemed to be first date questions. It seemed very odd to me to bring your child on your first date...second or third yes but first. Anyway, the little girl was not getting attention that she wanted and so she kept trying to interrupt their conversations. I can understand that as they weren't including her. Then the check comes he pays for and the little girl says to the man, "will you please let my Mom and I have a moment to talk alone." And he looked at her and looked at the Mom and then the couple went on with their question basically ignoring the little girls request. Now later I got what she wanted to do...was ask for dessert as she ended up asking after he paid the bill without having to talk to her Mom alone. They ordered ice cream for her and a dessert for themselves and then when that bill came she paid for it.

So after they left I was discussing with Master the whole thing and I did what I normally do...wondering if they were really on a first date. And thought they would not go on a date again as they did not seem to connect. Their conversations seemed very stiff and had those awkward silences. But I wondered and told the story of them.

The Parking Lot

Next Master and I went out for fast food the other night as I had pulled a long tense day of working. Anyway, we parked and ate -- there was a big semi truck ahead of us and SUV type vehicle parked next to it. No one was in either when we first parked there. But soon people came walking from the fast food restaurant to the truck and SUV. It was man, little boy and a woman. The little boy was rushing ahead to the SUV and the woman and man were not touching or holding hands but just talking. The little boy wanted to get up into the cab of the big semi-truck so they all went to the other side and he put the little boy in the truck. I could see their feet from under the truck and see the little boy in the truck. The man did not seem to me to be interacting with the boy like a Dad would so I told Master I wonder what their story is...and proceeded to tell him that I felt the man was maybe a relative but not a close one. It again almost felt from a distance like a first meeting but that wouldn't be true if it were a relative...would it? So we watched and I said he has not even hugged the little boy so it must be someone new to them. Soon after I said that he was holding and hugging the little boy. I still don't think he was Dad to the little boy but he was maybe his uncle.



Last night Master and I were in Walmart doing our shopping and as we were checking out I was noticing the man in the next isle. He was wearing a t-shirt, jeans, and a baseball cap -- all were dirty. Very dirty -- black soot looking almost. His hands, arms and face were covered in it. I then looked at the things he was buying....large stacks of DVD, large quantities of food in big cans and packaging. And then a bunch of new clothes all so neat in how they were folded. So I decided he was out in the oil fields or natural gas rigs. That where they work is often long shifts before they get time off - they live at the place while they work. And they are not usually near a store...any store so DVD's large quantities of food - made sense to me.

So on the way home last night I was thinking I wish I could go up to people and ask them if I am guessing their stories right....Master said it would freak people out knowing they are being watched so closely. And I guess that is right as I know if someone said that they were watching me and wondered if A, B and C were right I would be thinking stalker! But it was interesting to think about and wonder if I am getting at all near what is really going on.

Blog Worth....

My blog is worth $25,968.84.
How much is your blog worth?

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Birthday Wish....

Wishing Jani a very Happy Birthday! I hope you have a great day celebrating you!

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Links in regards to the Obscenity Law

Carnal droog posted the letter him and his slave embre sent in regards to the obscenity laws and it is very good. He does not mind others using it. Please check it out.

Also Master wrote an eloquent post in His journal in regards to the obscenity Law.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Good Things!

1) Tazo Chai Black Tea - yummy! I had 2 cups today and it was very nice.

2) Being productive with work.

3) Dinner in the crockpot. I have not used it in a long time and I love how slow cooking the chicken, rice and veggies make it taste so good.

4) Laughing Cat Sweet Baby Red Wine by Carlson Vineyards. Oh my I want another bottle NOW please! It was wonderful with dinner. It is a wonderful table wine. I hope it is something we pick up again.

5) Pinching Master's ass as I head to the bathroom...and then flashing Him my ass that inspires Him to spank it....

He took me by the hair bent me forward - hand tight in hair and then spanked my ass. Hitting the sweet spot many many times. And then pulled me up wrapped His arm around my neck and put His other hand over my mouth. And then He took His hand off my mouth and....well just lets says I am feeling a little spacey just from that little bit of fun.

6) It is FRIDAY! (even though I am sure I will be working all weekend.) I am glad to have Master home.

7) Yay and still feeling high from Master playing with me even that little bit. Maybe after He is off the phone I can convince Him He wants a blowjob. (yeah I know probably won't be hard to convince Him.)

The End is Coming?

I am really busy at the moment but I feel this is very important to us in the lifestyle so I need to get this out....

I am not sure if people are aware of the new law (U.S.C. Title 18, Section 2257) out there that was suppose to help crack down on "child pornography" -- well it is not really doing that as much as cracking down on hardcore sex and BDSM websites. Yes, they passed a law to go after us.....the law as I initially read it meant they could go after anyone displaying sex and bdsm pictures no matter if soft core (clothed bondage pictures) or hardcore if they were not catalog/recorded right (read more about this below) right. But now....Red Rose Stories was raided. All she posted was stories...NO PICTURES. So, if she can be raided....any of us....out there talking about our experiences in the lifestyle "could" be added to that list. Our BDSM information websites and blogs talk about the SM experiences that our US government have decided is "wrong."

Here are some sites that talk about the law....
Free Speech Coalition
About what is need to keep within the law
A Whole Yahoo Group for those in the Adult Industry to discuss law which I think is just about the best BDSM hardcore site out there is closing down. Midori closed down her bondage site. ShortFuse closed shortly after the new law was announced. I heard Suicide Girls are changing their site and doing self-censorship. I know there are others but they are escaping my brain at the moment. Many people are closing down their sites and/or doing self-censorship just so they can avoid being charged. And I totally understand why as that type of lawsuit will take forever to fight through. I know several people who still have their porn sites up but everyday wonder if they should close down. And I would hate to see them go. I hate that our US government is doing this to us!

During this time....I have wondered if I am living in the USA or somewhere else -- where they censor what we say, read, or view. This is the USA right? It is totally frustrating. It is becoming very scary out there for us in the lifestyle.

The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom issued a release yesterday that is being spread all over the web....


National Coalition for Sexual Freedom

Susan Wright, NCSF Spokesperson
(917) 848-6544

Wave of Obscenity Prosecutions Leads to Closure and Self-Censorship of SM Websites

October 20, 2005 - Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has announced that his office will specifically target "bestiality, urination, defecation, as well as sadistic and masochistic behavior" in pursuing new obscenity prosecutions. The Department of Justice began recruiting in late July for a new anti-obscenity squad to pursue obscenity prosecutions, and the FBI announced in September that it was forming an anti-obscenity task force to crack down on pornography.

Any website that has content containing "bestiality, urination, defecation, as well as sadistic and masochistic behavior" should be forewarned that prosecution is possible. Additionally, Federal sentencing guidelines state that any obscenity- related punishment should be "enhanced for sadomasochistic material."

Forty people and businesses have been convicted of obscenity since 2001, and 20 additional indictments are pending according to Andrew Oosterbaan, chief of the Justice Department's child exploitation and obscenity section. There were only four obscenity prosecutions during the eight years of the Clinton administration.

Though adult content is, in theory, protected by the First Amendment, only a jury can determine if a work is obscene or not under the subjective set of standards that vary from one community to the next established in the 1973 Supreme Court ruling, Miller v. California.

Text is not inherently more protected than images when it comes to obscenity charges. The erotic fiction website Red Rose Stories is facing obscenity charges after federal agents raided the owner's home on October 3rd, taking computer equipment and diskettes that contained all of their files and site information.

The Department of Justice is clearly hoping that websites will self-censor or remove their content entirely. Midori, a fetish model and SM educator who teaches classes on bondage, has removed her website,, citing fear of obscenity prosecution. The owner of three SM websites, known as GrandPa DeSade, removed his websites from the Internet. also announced they are self-censoring their materials over concerns about a possible obscenity crackdown.

Recent prosecutions of obscenity on websites include: A former police officer in
Lakeland, Florida, was arrested on October 7th on over 300 obscenity-related charges for the sexual content posted on his website. The same day, webmaster Chris Wilson, owner of amateur website, was raided on charges of obscenity by a local Sheriff's office.

"I think it's crucial for us to stand up for consensual sadomasochism and other alternative sexual practices," says Barbara Nitke, fetish photographer. "This is a battle worth fighting, and I hope everyone who can will just censor out the most provocative material from their websites, but keep them up. I also appeal to the lawyers in our community to help us find ways to keep people's websites up."

Barbara Nitke and the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF) have proactively challenged federal obscenity laws as applied to the Internet, arguing that obscenity laws based on "local community standards" are too vague and their existence burdens protected speech, resulting in self-censorship due to the fear of prosecution. A district court three-judge panel in New York ruled that while Nitke and the NCSF members were at risk, more proof was needed that obscenity laws cause otherwise protected speech to be restrained through acts of self-censorship. The case is currently on appeal to the United States Supreme Court.

"The effect of silencing alternative lifestyle speech was exactly why we brought the lawsuit," says attorney John Wirenius, lead counsel for NCSF. "The self-censorship we are seeing underscores the importance of supporting our ongoing obscenity challenge."

To contribute to the appeal of the CDA lawsuit, go to:

National Coalition for Sexual Freedom -
Barbara Nitke -


A project of NCSF

The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom is a national organization committed to creating a political, legal, and social environment in the United States that advances equal rights of consenting adults who practice forms of alternative sexual expression. NCSF is primarily focused on the rights of consenting adults in the SM-leather-fetish, swing, and polyamory communities, who often face discrimination because of their sexual expression.

National Coalition for Sexual Freedom
822 Guilford Avenue, Box 127
Baltimore, MD 21202-3707


So what can we do?

Write letters to your goverment officials. (
Donate to NCSF.
Crosspost the NCSF release.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

No Time.....Sorry!

So I suck...yes I know I do....I have the next part of SR coming, but this is the final push to the deadline for my clients site. So I have been busy. Believe me if I could be blogging more then doing what I am....I would be a happy woman!

Right now I am enjoying a cup of tea - hoping it will perk me up as I need something to keep plugging away at this website.

I hope to be able to catch up on everyones blogs soon and also post my next SR posts as well as countless other posts on poly, my feet, being a princess, my name and many other topics in my life.

I also want to add a Thank You to someone special...she sent me gift for my birthday and it was completely unexpected and beautiful! I think I stood just staring at it in awe. I don't know if she wants me to name her, but she does read my blog so she can out herself in comments if she doesn't mind. Thank you very are so kind and thoughtful!

Tuesday, October 18, 2005


I woke up this morning with a phone call from my Mom....singing Happy Birthday to me. After that Master told me to stay in bed for a bit while He created MAGIC! And he certainly did...

I have been dreading turning 38 and Master made a special birthday for his little girl....

He had me cover my eyes and then lead me to the dining room. He told me to open my eyes and there before my eyes was a table fit for a princess! There was a table cloth that said princess on it, plates, napkins, cups that had princess' on them. And then there was tiaras that said princess too! There were presents stacked on the table wrapped in Princess paper. So it was a magical Princess birthday!

The whole setting instantly put me into little girl mode....ripping papper off my presents as I wore my tiara!

It was much fun!

I got lots of art goodness from Daddy! And then also mixed with more Princess stuff too - stickers, bookmarker, and more stickers.

Now I have to come back to reality for a bit as I have a talk with my client this morning. After that though Master and I are going for breakfast but probably back to business stuff the rest of the day as I am nearing my deadline.

So if I get to be only 4 years old for some of the day.....then turning 38 won't be so bad. Thank you Daddy! I love you very much! You always make my birthday so special!

Monday, October 17, 2005

Sharing a Link.....

Someone I think is very special posted prints by a very interesting artist and then the quotes that are on the I am directing you to her blog -- where she has some prints posted but also the link to the artist.

The sexy Jewels...presents...

The Story People

Part 3 of Servant's Retreat: Boundaries

Because there was such a wide range of experience levels from the people attending Saturday was a little slow for me. As it covered a lot on issues - self esteem issues particularly - and I have already went through, dealt with and been done with for quite some time. So my comment on my quickie blog after the weekend where I mention that "I realized this weekend I have grown a lot in knowing myself and I think I had not realized the extent of it until this weekend" is because I realized after she was mapping out all these issues and solutions that I have already gone through -- that wow that was a lot work! And so it was nice to be able to see that in a more black and white perspective.

Catherine did handouts with questions on them to help gain more insights to each persons personal issues. During her talk on self-esteem and submission there were a few things that sparked some thoughts.

She was talking about boundaries and at first I kept equating that to bdsm limits. But then I got it or saw it differently. Personal boundaries are different from limits. Personal boundaries are what we have in place to function emotionally, physically...mentally....just to function in life. She was stating that before someone gets into a relationship they need to know where their personal boundaries are at and which ones are needed to help the relationship function. Boundaries aren't really boundaries to me in that light - they are just being who you are...this is who I am....the good the bad and the ugly is all here and either someone wants me this way or not. (luckily Master wants me this way).

So when finding a partner she was saying you need to be clear on your boundaries. And I do get that but I also think boundaries can change. And so although my boundaries might be have been one way when I entered the relationship --- I feel I am growing in different directions. There are things I could not have handled before this relationship -- such as someone touching my feet -- but Master and my doctor have been able to touch, hold, even rub my feet without me flinching and tensing up. I don't have internal panic that I once did. But Master was clear that I did freak out when my feet were touched before we entered a relationship. But he is now able to touch my feet - so was that something needed to function in the relationship? I am not sure. I mean I picture M, the sadist, trying to touch my feet and I know I would have freaked out and he would not have stopped. In fact, it would have made him want to touch them more. So if I broke down and became incoherent, he would have acknowledged it but still be turned on that it freaked me out so kept going. I can't say that it is something I needed to function in the relationship but I also can't say that I am glad Master did not touch my feet in a way that freaked me out. And I also know if I became too freaked out he would stop. He likes to be sadistic but he likes to be in control of what it is going to do and have happen to me - so freaking out does not allow him to control the situation.

So to me it comes down to compatibility. If we mesh together then I will be able to function and He will too and the relationship grows and changes. But hopefully since we are very strong in our faith of the relationship and our journey -- that we will grown and change together in ways that just make our relationship better or stronger.

Next: Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs - which really needs to be its own post as I believe it is going to be a long one. (already started it gang and working on it at the moment so hopefully I get to post it by the end of today)

Birthday Wish....

Someone special to me is having a Birthday today so I wanted to leave her a birthday wish...

Happy Birthday Jackie! I hope you have a fantastic day celebrating YOU!

*hugs and kisses to you*

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Solitude in my Slavery

Written Wednesday night when I was feeling like I was not "good enough" - that there must be something wrong with me -- because I am not like others out there.

Also a disclaimer this is written for is not written because I think my way is the only way. I am just explainig how it is for me.

I was reading blogs early and so many of them are getting this really strict control, punishments, micromanagement and so on -- the thing is while a few years ago I would have loved all of that...thought I wanted that all the I just don't feel it....the need for it.

I do what I need to...I serve and obey Master...He has the power and control. I don't crave anything...more. I will at times fantasize about something "more" and then when it comes down to it...if it were to really happen I think I would be totally thrown off balance and also upset by it creating chaos in my peaceful life. I would of course do it silently - obeying but I would internally be hating it. Could I come to like it? Maybe. But I like what I have now.

I have come to be very comfortable in my role as Master's slave. Am I too comfortable....?? Or have I finally found the peace I was always looking for....because really I do feel the most serene I ever have felt....

I have found that over the years slavery for me....has very solititude feeling and it is about serving Him in a very quiet way. It is not about the SM, the roller coaster ride of emotions, the attention or the submission. It is about just serving and obeying...very black and white for me now days.

And I feel very alone in I read the blogs out there.

Daily Om

It is amazing how often we can get in our own way without even being aware that we are doing so. Even though we truly want to succeed, there are many reasons why we may sometimes block our own efforts. It may be that we are afraid to succeed, so we subconsciously create circumstances to keep ourselves stuck. Or it may even be that we are afraid that we will succeed, so we block ourselves by making the achievement of our goals more difficult than they really are. We may even approach our goals in a way that keeps creating the same unsuccessful results

It had some great ways to help a person move and help you see why a person is hindering themself from movement. Click on the link to read the whole Daily OM. By the way they are very good and it is free service that drop a Daily OM into your mail box every morning. I do get behind on mine and at times have to delete or just save in a folder but they have archives too so I know I can always go back and read and often I do.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Life Update

Okay so I said to Master earlier today when we were out that I feel like we have been going and going. That we have been running around and staying up late and getting up early for days and days. And He said, "you know what hon we have." And we have.

Master's parents came to visit us this weekend. It actually was a very nice weekend. It was just a busy weekend.

Okay so backing up.....

Last week...Monday and Tuesday (Oct 3rd & 4th) worked hard on my new clients stuff. Wednesday early early AM Master had to get up and do something for work so it threw our whole day off. I really did not get much sleep that night so I slept some Wednesday after talking to my client. We both still accomplished quite a bit for work after being so tired on Wednesday. Thursday I cleaned. Friday morning I went to a doctor appointment and had a scare of high blood pressure -- so high that they had me sit and just relax for about 30 to 40 minutes so they could take it again. But I was stressed out it was high that it did not drop too much. After the appointment, we ran some errands before heading home to meet Master's parents at the house.

Master is going to be having some photos in an Arts and Craft shows and so we needed to get them all printed, matted and framed so that his parents could take them over with them to get them where they needed to Friday we spent most of the day taking care of buying the supplies to get them all together. We had a great big lunch and so only had cake and ice cream for dinner.

Saturday I woke up with a migraine. But I was determined not to let it ruin our plans. We went to breakfast first and then came back and I made a picnic lunch for us. Packed it all up and then we headed out for a day trip. It is a long long day trip but one of my favorites. Master's parents were in awe the whole way. They had a ball. Master and I have developed a system. Some areas that are beautiful are not easily accessible to park with the car. So, I dropped them off and we had the walkie talkies so I would go park somewhere and then when they were done they would call me on the walkie talkie and I would come pick them up. They loved that they were able to stomp around and get picture they normally wouldn't be able to if I had not been there to drive.

On the journey there is now a nice resort type hotel - that they are making into almost a little village. The architecture and landscaping reminded me of Santa Fe so much. Made me miss Santa Fee too. The little village - will have an auto museum. It has 2 restaurants now and I think another is being added. And then a shop and a little grocery store with more in the planning. They had BEAUTIFUL hotel rooms. We asked the maids that were cleaning if they would mind showing us a couple and oh my they were gorgeous. The view to wake up to is incredible. So, Master thinks we should maybe make it a little retreat sometime. The place is new -- as in it maybe opened 6 months ago at the most. The first time we took this day trip almost 3 years ago there was nothing there just miles of land. Then the next time they started you could tell moving in equipment and materials and then the last time we were through they were just putting up the main building. Now it really on its way and it is beautiful.

After leaving the little resort area, we were driving on a back road. Master's Dad has video camera going and I am running Master's too. The trees and mountain view as we drove were beautiful. Soon we passed a car that was just parked back under the trees -- it was just sitting there like almost hiding but not anyway it kind of set off those internal anxiety buttons in me. So I was on edge as it seemed so strange. So, we drive a little further and Master enters a private property gate and well we are in country to me that would not have a problem shooting someone that came on to their property - combined with that with the anxiety I had from that car that was hidden off road - I was feeling even more panicked. And in my panic I called Master...."Master" in front of his parents and on camera. I know they heard me and even more so I panicked more when I realized what I had done so I said his name after saying Master. And so it made it even more obvious. I thought for sure his Dad would say something about it. But he didn't. Maybe again they thought they heard wrong so when they listen to the tape they will see they didn't hear wrong and then maybe ask Master about it.

I almost started crying but held it in. Because I have said it one other time and it something I really try hard to be very aware of what I am saying. And I can explain of course I was panicked so my awareness was down. Not a good excuse but I know that is why it happened.

So, at one of the pull overs where they got out and took pictures, Master reassured me everything was okay. That if they ask - they ask. He said it is hard for us to hide who we are and that he understood that. So, I am grateful He was so understanding.

The rest of the trip went well shortly after that we stopped and had a GREAT picnic and we all laughed while having our picnic. The first part of the trip we did not see lots of fall colors but the second part we did. It was just an amazing day. His parents were so impressed by the area and all the different terrain we covered. This trip does cover so many different beautiful areas. We have the desert area with tumble weeds, cactus, red earth and mountains, and then the second part of the trip we pass mountains that is known for looking like the swiss alps. They had snow on the tops. And that area had rocky rivers and gorgeous fall colored trees and elk and deer. We were warm in short sleeves the first part of the trip and by the second part we were all bundled up in coats and sweatshirts. But not matter where we were at in the trip we had a great time.

Sunday morning I made muffins and then we got busy on framing all the pictures. Master was cleaning glass, I was antiquing and repairing a few frames that had scratches on them. And also I made labels, business cards and a sign for Master's business. His Dad was fixing hardware on the backs so they could be hung. And His Mom was quality inspection as well has handing Master the mat and picture that went with the frame. We were a whole team effort. I felt bad that we were working them but they loved it. They loved going shopping with them on Friday also. They said Master and I have our own language. That they did not know what we were talking about but we knew what the other was saying with very few words. That is cool. I love it when we so in sync like that. We were able to just know what the other was thinking without even hardly talking.

I made garlic toast and salads for lunch on Sunday so that we could save room to go out to eat for dinner. We knew it would be a big dinner so wanted something light for lunch. Dinner was wonderful, I had been craving it for weeks but we knew we were going to take His parents there when they came so we had been holding out until then. We got all the photos framed. And they look absolutely amazing. I am very proud of Master.

So, this morning we had breakfast with Master's parents before they headed out. We were a little worried as it is snowing on their side of the mountains and even one of the passes was closed for a while yesterday. But they made it over okay.

I am making homemade pizza for dinner and we are going to be watching West Wing as Bravo is showing season 6 and I have been recording them all day. It is cool here so it feels like we should be snuggled up and having some cocoa but I think I will make some tea later.

I hope to get to the next SR post soon. I just have been too busy.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Reasons for Love Meme

I found this meme and since I have been having mushy good thoughts about Master....that I should do this too...

He is creative and is a good partner in creative endeavors.

He encouraged me to do create art again

He kisses me and tells me he loves me before he leaves in the morning. It always makes me feel so good.

He brings me Chinese Food when I have a migraine

He lets me be a little girl at times and He is a great Daddy to me

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Q&A Meme

I know I have the 3rd part of SR still to come but I have just been too busy but I saw this and so decided to at least do it.

1. Name someone with the same birthday as you? devotion and a friend from Ohio

2. Where was your first kiss? wow...real kiss....behind the school building

3. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property? I don't think....maybe though...not seriously though more like prank.

4. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex? Yes.

5. Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people? yes as a child I was in many many singing contests. Then I hit 5th grade and was given a solo in church. It was a new church for us -we had moved. Anyway....I started to sing and stopped in the middle of it...frozen with fear and never sang in contests or solos again. And pretty much didn't sing again.

6. What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex? uumm honestly that they were easily tricked (read that as "noticed" when I filled it out -- so was thinking back to the first time I "noticed" the opposite sex. So, to answer the question as is...eyes.)

7. What really turns you on? brains...someone who is smart but not with arrogance.

8. What do you order at Starbucks? it changes - mocha blended usually though....Master order it for me so not exactly sure.

9. What is your biggest mistake? how I have ended relationships

10. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? yes

11. Say something totally random about yourself. I just ate a piece of string cheese.

12. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? yes a few times

13. Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows? yes...especially about princess'

14. Did you have braces? no

15. Are you comfortable with your height? yes

16. What is the most romantic thing someone of the preferred sex has done for you? Jim and my 5th wedding anniversary he went all out on romance with a condo in one of our favorite places overlooking a beautiful scenery, jacuzzi tub in room..overlooking our beautiful view, roses all over, dinner at a delicious restaurant in a old Victorian house, champagne after on our deck of the condo with a ruby ring in the glass.

17. When do you know it's love? when the relationship feels okay. not that i can explain that.

18. Do you speak any other languages? no, used to speak german

19. Have you ever been to a tanning salon? yes for a friend for her wedding.

20. What magazines do you read? ugggh too many wine enthusiast, organic style, budget living, cooking light, Antiques - i know i am missing a few

21. Have you ever ridden in a limo? Yes a few times

22. Has anyone you were really close to passed away? Yes

23. Do you watch mtv? very very very rare occasion

24. What's something that really annoys you? people

25. What's something you really like? hugs and kisses from Daddy, music, the smell of paper, charcoal and other art supplies

26. Do you like Michael Jackson? ummm ???

27. Can you dance? alone while cleaning yes! lol

28. What's the latest you have ever stayed up? i have gone about 5 days without sleeping

29. Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room? no

30. Do you actually read these when other people fill them out? yes! I love these Q&A type meme's....learn many things about people that i might not in just a journal entry or regular conversation.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Part 2 of my Journey....Servant's Retreat

Servant's Retreat is lead by Catherine Gross. For me Catherine's style is not a style I usually warm up to as it the Diva-like, Dramatic type of style that makes me back away and uncomfortable. But although very dramatic she also, I felt, was very sincere in her views and feelings. She has been in the lifestyle a long time and she has a lot of knowledge and opinions and lets everyone know these are hers and she is not saying these are right for everyone. And I liked that. I really liked that she does not put up with bs that goes on in the lifestyle also. I felt she just kind of rolled her eyes at many of the same things I do.

Throughout the weekend I would sit there and think okay I am not suppose to be here and then she would say a little something that would spark a reminder of something I had forgotten about, give me a new perspective at looking at something or actually go damn I thought there were only a just a few us out there that really thought that. And that validation was nice. It is not something that is needed but it was nice to hear.

It was set in someone's home so there was an intimate feeling to it as we talked. I do think that helped in people opening up -- opposed if it was in a hotel conference room the open space and more business feel. The hostess was wonderful and I appreciate her and her Sir opening up their home to a bunch of strangers. There were a few problems though -- not enough seating space to make it comfortable for everyone when sitting long periods of time and also they had pets and I am allergic. After sitting on the floor Friday evening, I had to use my inhaler several times when we got back to the hotel room and also take allergy pills right away that did not seem to be working since I was so exposed to them. The rest of the weekend I was not on the floor but in a chair and I know that helped a lot and am grateful to those that sat on the floor giving up spaces in the chairs.

Friday night was basically an introduction night. And I enjoyed the opening up of and sharing experiences of the warm people there. There were lots of different experience levels and different type of D/s relationships represented in the room. I did though have my first feelings of...Wondering...if I had made the right choice in coming (I did get to see girlie and I kept that in mind as a good point). But that ended up not really being the case. I am glad I attended and I did get things out of the weekend that I needed to learn and hear. It was a growth experience.

Friday night we are going around the room giving a brief history and saying what we hope to get out of the weekend. I really abbreviated my history compared to others. And I expressed my feelings that I am hoping to get a different perspective on how to make my service more mindful. That I feel I am always serving, always having to be on but it has at the same time just me going through the motions because I know them so well. That it felt empty. That there is no line between me and the service. Almost as though I have lost my identity. I really can't remember what else I said and she stopped me and told me that I was not invisible and that she saw me. She said some other things also. But it was her telling me that I am not invisible that really got to struck something in me. I felt a ton of feelings come up that I think I had been suppressing and as I heard her say it - there was something inside saying damn that is how I feel. I feel invisible. I feel I am at a stage with myself and my service where I am so used to it that the service itself and me are twisted together so tightly we fade into the background.

Now I am not saying my service is perfect and I am not saying that Master does not notice my service because neither are true. I feel I have lots to learn still but where we are at right now - I know what to do. I know what he wants and what he expects without him having to say it outloud.

All that said the beginning of the summer my service has went down hill and I see some other reason now after attending the retreat --- besides the depression. I stopped knocking myself out with service because I was becoming so depressed and I also see some of the reasons were that I was feeling so empty. I thought slowing down would help me gain more focus and attention to the service and help me feel "full" again but really I still felt empty.

So many submissives get good ooeey gooey "submissive" feelings when kneeling at their dominants feet or performing a ritual for their dominant. And I feel nothing, but wish I felt more deeply then I do. It is not that I don't want to serve Master. I DO! I am very happy and feel very privledged to be his slave. But I don't feel "submissive" doing them...which I got some insight to why that might be the last day of the retreat.

But back to Friday -- as I have already stated girlie was with me and so she did her intro and it did not go well. I felt she was completely misunderstood. And that became such a big thing that it made both of us wonder okay should we even be here. But we decided to give it another try.

After Friday's session we went to the grocery store to get junk food! We felt a little emotionally drained and also questioning if we should be there so we needed junk food! Girlie sang through the grocery store (they were close to closing so no one really was in there) as we hooked arms and kind of skipped through the store. She said melons were on sale but I said hers were more impressive. She has big ones!

Back at the room, we chatted with Loki and Jewels on the phone. I babbled on and on which I do when I am overly excited and nervous. They were very nice and I enjoyed chatting with them. Later I think I almost had an orgasm having a ho-ho. Not sure why, I have had them before. And like them...but not like that...for some reason they were hitting all my omg I need something sweet buttons! So, we ate junk food and drank some wine. I know such a combination. I know we got to bed really late again but I can't remember what time it was exactly.

I snuggled in bed with Henry as I drifted off to sleep. (Henry is my build-a-bear that girlie got me.)

Saturday's sessions coming soon!
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...