Monday, March 31, 2008

The March Q&A

I think I have about 5 more questions to answer of course it doesn't look like I will be getting to any more before the end of March. So they will continue into April and feel free to ask a question still.

Also thank you to everyone that has asked a has been fun answering them!

Sunday, March 30, 2008

March Q & A: BDSM Community

Have you ever been to a munch, event or BDSM gathering? Pros and cons of attending such gatherings?
I lived in Cleveland before I moved to be with Master here in Colorado. And in Cleveland, I participated in several groups - Ohio SMART and then a group that is no longer around but it was called Carpe Diem that a good friend of mine was one of the organizers. (Also was part of some other groups - but those weren't as long term - one was a submissive group and another was an all women's group.) I helped out at Carpe Diem at times. And then was a regular volunteer with Ohio SMART. I also volunteered for 2 events that were in Ohio - Ohio Leather Fest and SMARTfest.

When I became Master's, we attended Thunder in the Mountains several times as it is in Denver which is 4 hours from us. But we don't have any local BDSM community here. And it is something I MISS SO MUCH! I go through some down times when I read others that have been to a group or play party. I miss having others that I don't have to "hide" part of myself around. I miss just having that interaction.

Pros and Cons....Well pros I guess would be what I was just saying being able to be around similar minded people, just having the interaction with those that are in the lifestyle, making friends of like mind, learning new things, being able to do things we can't in normal everyday settings. Such as at Thunder in the Mountains the whole hotel is taken over by kinky folk so I was able to dress in fetish wear. You can't walk through the lobby naked but I enjoyed just being able to dress as little girl there. It was so nice to be free like that. To be able to have the thick metal collar on while standing in the lobby with a Master hold the leash that is attached to just exciting and fun. So those things are pros. I am sure I am missing some pros too.

Cons....well cons is that even though we might be similar minded we can always find those that don't agree with what it is that we do. Just because someone is into BDSM or D/s doesn't mean they "approve" of M/s. Just because someone is into M/s doesn't mean they don't think those that BDSM are weekend warriors or players. (just to clarify I don't think those things -- it is just assumptions that are made by some people.) So con is there are people who are judgmental of how you do what you do.

A con for me that I didn't get until I was here is that I got so involved in the lifestyle that through the groups and just living the lifestyle being a slave/submissive that I let many things I truly enjoyed slip away such as my art. Because I made the D/s my whole life. I am truly thankful Master encouraged me to do art again.

Have you played in public in those type of settings?
Yes I have played in public. Again something I miss at times but other times I think oh no I wouldn't want to play in public anymore. But I used to play in public quite a bit as a good friend of mine had a semi-public play space. I mean semi-public because it wasn't open to the public but only those that were associated with the local group.

Thunder in the Mountains though was probably the biggest play space I have played in and both times of course was with Master.

If you have played in public do you get self conscious? Have you had any negative experiences when playing in public?
Sometimes I do get self conscious. When I was in the play space that my friend owned, I never really felt self conscious. It was a safe place for me - always surrounded by friends. But I did at Thunder in the Mountains - I felt very exposed and uncomfortable at times. I know my pain thresh old went down because my brain was so conscious of my surroundings that I couldn't get into a place of being wrapped into my masochism. We still had fun. I just couldn't totally let go.

For the most part I haven't had negative experience playing in public. Oh but once with an ex though - we went to an event and we were trying to play and there was a group of people standing maybe 5 feet from us and they were so loud. They weren't playing they were just standing around talking and laughing really loudly. I couldn't get into the play at all. I just kept listening to their conversation instead because I couldn't tune them out. So that is really the only negative experience when playing in a public play space.

What do you wear to such gatherings?
Well that just really depends on what kind of event or group it is and more importantly where it is at. Such as Carpe Diem had a social once a month at a restaurant so of course wearing most fetish wear wouldn't be appropriate for such a setting. So most of the time that was just dressing sexy. And really for the most part that is how I dress at events, meetings and play parties. It just would depend on setting on how revealing. Such as I have a black satin top that laces up the front but only in the breast area so it hangs open showing quite a bit of skin. That I wear to play parties with a short skirt and thigh highs. Other times I might wear a longer black skirt with slit up the side and zebra print see through shirt with a black satin tank under it. I have a few corset type tops, leather and suede skirts too that I wear to events or play parties. I have also done as I stated above little girl and school girl. I did a baby doll with a little cardigan, tights, mary janes - and then a good friend did my hair in braids and I carried a teddy bear and carried my princess purse at one event play party. I have several plaid school girl skirts so have done that route too. But really at these kind of things you see everything from jeans and t-shirts to full out rubber.

I know the person asking was asking because she has never been to anything like this so my advice is just to dress in something comfortable - that you feel good in and go and see what others wear. You will not be out of place because really everyone dresses differently.

Have you ever encountered people in the lifestyle that were against how you do M/s? Told you are you are dangerous? Or not real?
Yes, yes and yes. Okay I know you want a longer answer then that. I have encountered people that didn't agree with M/s. They thought being a slave was insane and unsafe. I have been told I needed my head examined. I have had people tell me I am insane and dangerous many times. I have had people tell me I am in an abusive situation. I have had tell people everything under the sun with what was wrong with M/s.

I have also been told I am not real because well for all sorts of silly reasons. Once upon a time told I wasn't real here - that I was making my blog up. And I am like if you don't think I am real then so be it. I have met lots of people offline. It would be pretty stupid of me to lie here and then turn around and have to face all the people I know offline that read me. I have been told I wasn't real because I don't write about SM enough. I have been told I wasn't real because I struggle. I have been told I am not real because I am not fond of kneeling or being called pet. As I said I lots of silly reasons people give me for not being real.

It was a real sore spot for me in the Cleveland community for a bit as I felt I was really attacked for my beliefs. And that bothered me that I couldn't explain myself in a way that let know I wasn't really insane. I mean to see me now living the life I talked about now I am sure many of them would say well your life is good and normal. You aren't insane...or maybe they would still think I am insane and it is just my hopeful wishing that they would accept me as is. Acceptance is a big issue for me. But that isn't the point of the question....

The point is yes I have been told I am not real, dangerous and that I am not doing "this" right. It is sad we can't agree to disagree but accept people as for what they are. But what is important is for each person to do what works for them.

And I also want to add....I met some amazing people at the groups, meetings, play parties and events I have been too. I made some wonderful friends from Ohio SMART and Carpe Diem. Friends that did accept me even if they didn't always understand my need to be a slave. I also am very honored and happy I was able to volunteer for those groups. It was a lot of fun and a good learning experience.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

March Q & A: Bruises

Have you ever had to explain a bruise to someone outside the lifestyle such as a doctor, family or clerk in store?

Yes once to a doctor I had a bruise in a place that well was hard not to notice for what he was doing. I was going to have a pap. I of course had canceled the appointment a few times so I really needed to keep it this time. Well several weeks before I had been staying with someone very special to me. And she used a strap on that the dildo was held in place by a thick metal ring. When she fucking me very hard the ring would hit my pelvic bone so it created a very deep nasty looking bruise so by the time I had the appointment it was faded slightly but still visible. I am up in the stirrup and my doctor asked me if I knew I had a bruise. I said yes. He then asked if he wanted to know how I got it. I said no. I was out to him about being in bdsm. I was happy he didn't want to know how I got it.

I should say it is really hard to bruise me. Master has whipped me, caned me, paddled me - hard - and often there isn't any visible marks. I might be tender but no bruises. If I get marks it is little slash marks from the baton or evil stick. And they will just last a day or 2. And that is usually on my breasts not my bottom. My bottom just doesn't mark/bruise.

But there has been a few close calls with the general public, friends and family. I really like to be punched. I remember the first time I saw a demo on punching it just melted me into a big puddle. I even enjoy being punch in the face. So I have had two facial bruises from punching. Once with a previous partner that was fairly obvious. I was living with friends at the time with that had kids and we were worried the kids might say something but they didn't. And then once with Master where I got a little bit of a fat lip. We were going to a wedding in a few days so was worried it would be visible but it calmed down before the wedding so it was okay.

And then the only other time I was really worried about bruises was a time that I was really stupid. I went to visit my parents and also visited a dominant that was local to them. Of course we had negotiated that there wouldn't be any play. And I got there and he insisted and of course I gave in. He caned me from top to bottom basically. There were bruises on my thighs and calves that lasted I think it was 8 weeks. It was spring time so I was starting to wear shorter skirts but in staying with my parents that wouldn't be possible as they would have noticed the bruises since they were obvious lines. I had to resort to wearing longer skirts the whole time I was there.

I should have just left when he kept insisting. But of course I just was so wanting to find an escape from my situation that I would give anyone a chance. After when I explained to him after why I didn't want to be with him (because of course then my brain came back) of course he told me I wasn't submissive. (insert rolling of eyes) Oh well that is in the past and live and learn.

Please remember you can still ask questions here! Or over on my LJ.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

March Q & A: Toys!

What toys/implements are in your "toy closet"? Which is your favorite, least favorite, and why?

I thought I had talked about this once in my 7 years of blogging - you would have think it was a topic I would have hit. I talk about toys in general and favorite play quite a bit but not favorite toy/least favorite. I think also because Master uses his hands so much I don't talk about toys much. We do slapping, punching, spanking and he just grabs and twists lots too.

I am not sure I could name them all but I will give it a whirl....okay so you had me curious and so I went and opened up the places where we keep toys. We have some that are really easily available and others that aren't. I know I missed some as I didn't open every container and pouch so not all of them are still here but majority I think I got down....

Straps - long purple one from Fetish Temple that was a gift, short leather homemade one, one that is like a dog toy with a leather strap and a tennis ball on the end of it. The long one and the one with the ball can cause quite a bit of pain. Especially the ball

Paddles - 4 wooden, 1 leather, 1 padded ping pong

Canes - a couple bamboo, 1 delrin (ouch)

Crop, Single Tail, Dressage Whip, Evil Stick, Baton (conductor baton), Drum sticks, Drum mallets

Floggers - 3 rubber (2 of them I made), 5 leather/suede, 2 rabbit fur, 1 kite string (I made - good to get wet or put in the freezer), 1 braided leather tails and then the viper (3 braided leather tails with v-pieces of leather on the end to make them even more stingy)

Restraint/Bondage type stuff - Spreader bar, all sorts of different colored duct tape, foam wrap for under tape, bondage tape, saran, rope, chain, arm restraints, cuffs (4 sets) and bondage mittens

3 blindfolds, ball gag, o-ring gag, head harness gag, gas mask, collars (9), hoods (7)

Clips - lots of different kinds - some actually BDSM play stuff but the majority is diy kind (clothes pins, vice grips, metal chip clips and so on) - only clips I don't think we have are clover - we have one the other broke so we don't have a pair. And they are actually my favorite clip because they actually stay on my nipples. Most clips don't stay on them. We have forceps though and those stay on too.

Lots of DIY stuff - wax, wooden spoons, spatulas, chopsticks/skewers & little rubber bands to make clips, abrasion stuff (different brushes), age play stuff (diapers, bottles, coloring books, pacifer), dog dish (these were the containers I didn't open up lots because I knew they had lots of little things in them).

Okay so least favorites: Paddles - I can't stand paddles. I have a love/hate with the cane. I crave it but I can't stand it when it is used. I don't like the long leather strap. The ball strap too is a love/hate relationship as I crave it but it hurts.

Favorites: Stingy...I like stingy toys - the viper, the braided flogger, the single tail, the dressage whip. The evil stick and baton - are love/hate too. They are toys Master uses more then others too. I think I like them because I like the marks and eventually the pain I can fall into also. Hoods, gas mask, rope - are favorites too.

Of course there are times I don't like any toys that they all hurt in a way that I can't process very well. But when my masochism has come out - then stingy is what just wraps me up completely so I can fall into the darkness.

Please remember you can still ask questions here! Or over on my LJ.

March Q & A: when does it hit

Every once in awhile, something just really hits hard about belonging to someone else. Often it is the craziest things that have nothing to do with submitting. What are some of those moments that have just gotten to you and make you realize just who you are?

I think the most of the time moments that remind me who I unpleasant ways is when I have my period. I get irritated quicker about having to ask to use the bathroom. I get irritated faster when he is caught in what he is doing so he doesn't give me permission to eat. But when I don't have my period most of the time it is just so much a part of who I am that it goes past without notice. It is just during my period I lose my patience and inner zen/calm. Everything seems bigger. And of course he isn't doing anything different then he does the rest of the month -- it just me getting all out of whack with my hormones that is processing and seeing things different then they actually are in reality.

During everyday normal daily existence I get smacked with who I am by just little things every once in a while. Such as Master dropped me off at strip mall while he went to a meeting on Saturday. I hadn't asked him before hand if I could buy anything as I really didn't think I would be wanting anything. I was just killing time while he was in his meeting. But of course I found some notecards I knew he would like and then a pack for a friend. So I struggled with if he would be okay with me buying them. (BTW I don't have a cell as most of the time I am with Master when we go out so I don't need one.) I figured since the total purchase would be under $10 he wouldn't mind and bought it. But in the store I really struggled back and forth with it because I am owned and everything I do I ask permission so it just was throwing my brain into a tizzy. It probably took 10 to 15 minutes of me talking to myself if it would be okay and that just really brought home who I am.

Other times it comes usually is when buying things too. Like a few weeks ago I was just craving jelly beans and unowned of course I would have just went out and bought them. But I can't do that. I have to ask permission, he will say yes or no and then if he says yes he will bring me to go get them. So there are moments similar that happens where I am very aware I am owned.

Please remember you can still ask questions here! Or over on my LJ.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Happy Easter!

It is that time of year to pimp a our BDSM Egg-stravaganza. A few years ago Master and I spent an evening making Easter eggs but with a BDSM theme.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

March Q & A: 4 Q & A's

Sorry for delays on answering the questions. I have had a cold so not been at the computer much.

Do you think you are a real slave?
Umm hmm yes I guess so. I mean I wish I knew what the person asking the question meant by real. But I do know I am Master's slave. I do have to say though at times feel very much like a fish out of water like that I don't know what I am doing or who I am. And then other times it is so ingrained -- I feel like this is who I have been forever and the movement come naturally.

Do you have any markings (brands or tattoos) of ownership by your Master? If not would you like to have something like that?
I don't have any markings but it is something Master has talked about a few times. If I want to have marking....yes, I would love to carry Master's mark.

Is your submission part of your sexuality?
Oh yes. Now that said slavery really doesn't have anything to do with my sexuality really. That is about service and obedience for me. But I "feel" submissive during sex.

Do you always call your Sir Master? Even in public?
I call Him Master almost always. I do at times in Walmart call him Master and then I usually take a peek to see if anyone was around to hear it. Around Master's parents, it is always Michael (although I have slipped a few times and called him Master in front of them.) Around friends, it is Michael. But when we are private it is always Master.

Please remember you can still ask questions here! Or over on my LJ.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Just to Clarify...

Clarifying something from the last post on March Q & A: Communicating Needs.....

If I communicate to Master it needs I don't feel are being fulfilled to any other concern and it doesn't seem to be resolved, I do ask for clarification but after that it is time for me to let it go. If I continue to bring it up, then it is about me - I am making it about me and that will come across as being demanding or controlling. Because he has given his views/answers to it and it is now my place to let it go.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

March Q & A: Communicating Needs

How do you communicate a need to your Owner without making it sound like an order/demand? I realize that at times it can be in the verbage we use, the tone of our voices, but if it is a true need and you have already communicated, and the Owner does not pick up on it, how do you further communicate?

You are right it is just the verbiage and tone. I just try to ask clearly without emotion. That is at times very hard for me as I am a very sensitive person. If I have communicated it and it still feels like it hasn't been resolved then I ask to discuss it again. Maybe Master feels it is not a need he can provide and I didn't get that he felt that way. Maybe he feels it is a want more then a need. There have been things that he didn't feel are needs and of course when I examined it more it was a want. So I just learned to let go of the emotions I attached to it making myself think it was a need. Maybe I just didn't communicate effectively because at times it sounds clear in my head but what he hears and what I think I said don't match up. So I just ask for further clarification. And then go from there.

I know none of what I am saying is new. I mean it is a pat answer that everyone gives. But really it is how I handle it. Honestly I do do get frustrated and snap at times. Of course it isn't what I want or he wants obviously but it does happen. All I can do is apologize and move on -- and try harder the next time in expressing myself.

Please remember you can still ask questions here! Or over on my LJ.

March Q &A: Website/Book

What website and/or book helped you when you were first starting out in the lifestyle?

Well as I mentioned in this other post when I first knew there was a name for what I felt and did -- I was on AOL. And although I don't have anything against AOL (except from a geeky stand point of that AOL gets into every part of your computer). I just feel it was the wrong place for me to be as the chats and bulletin boards that I ended up on had lots of group think type qualities and anyone that didn't fit that well they weren't "real" or doing it "right." Although I read a well known website back then -- it to me gives a more hearts and flowers look at D/s. Where kneeling at your Dominants feet will make everything better. And well that just isn't the case for me. I don't think it gave a clear look at the realities of living as a slave. And maybe nothing could capture that truly. I mean you don't believe until you live it - I think.

Anyway, it wasn't until I found Internal Enslavement and also a group on onelist (now yahoogroups) that was ran by J. Mikael Togneri that I truly felt something that spoke to me. And helped me hash out my thoughts and ideas of what I wanted and needed -- on this path.

Books...well books on Buddhism have helped me more then any lifestyle books. Because it helped me learn to meditate and calm myself. It helped in letting go and being just more aware of life. (More on Buddhism and slavery though for another Q&A post.)

The Marketplace series although fiction I think really captured many feelings I have went through and felt in my slavery. It helped my service also because it gave me ideas of what I could do to further my "value" as a slave.

Home Comforts by Cheryl Mendelson (link on side bar to it on amazon) also invaluable for any domestic slave. A review of it on our websites here.

Please remember you can still ask questions here! Or over on my LJ.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

March Q & A: Rules

What rules do you have to follow?

I don't think that I have actual a numbered list. Master just basically tells me what he wants and I do it. Also some things are so set in place that I probably don't even realized that I do them. Master has set in place protocols and rituals from the start of our the ones I am remembering at the moment....I don't eat until he gives me permission, I have to ask permission to use the restroom and I need permission to have a diet coke. I just really ask for permission for so many things during the day, week,...always that is just part of my life.

Please remember you can still ask questions here! Or over on my LJ.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

March Q & A: Views that have changed

What topic(s) have you posted about a long while ago that you now have a different perspective/opinion on?

Nothing is coming to mind. I even did a little walk down memory lane looking through some old blog entries from 2000 and 2001. I think that over all I haven't changed my general views of D/s very much since around 2000. Of course that doesn't mean I haven't changed. I have changed. I have discovered things or come to some current views while hashing things out since starting my blog. I have found new realizations about myself and this path I am on. Such as the reality of being a slave. And see now that I spent too much time worrying if I was submissive. But over all my views haven't changed much - I don't think. Okay I am sure there is something I have changed on but at the moment nothing is coming to mind. As I said I think most of the views that have changed have been personal views of myself. Not over all views of D/s and the like - since starting my blog.

I do read some of my essays from early days and I don't like everything I said but it isn't that I necessarily disagree I just think it comes off worded in ways that don't capture my true meaning. When I did the last redesign of the website, I left off all my erotica because that when I read it - I see old views in that just make me cringe. But again most of those were written before I started my blog.

So before my blog quite a few of my views changed, in 1995 or 1996 (can't remember for sure) I was on AOL bulletin boards looking for some info on anal sex. I was trying to convince my husband we should try it again. We had and it didn't go very well. So I wanted to find info on maybe making it go a little bit easier. And I stumbled on to a D/s BB and was reading things that said wow this me. My first introductions to this thing I had been doing but hadn't put names to was on AOL (which I cringe when I think about it now.)

Because back then I believed that submission was a gift, back then I never thought I could submit to a woman, back then I got all caught up in the kinky things and thought D/s was about following rules, kneeling pretty next to your Dominants feet and kinky fun (and that was about it), I believed slaves were doormats, I believed in SSC and had real lines that I thought no one should cross, I believed in the hearts and flowers D/s that some website seemed to give off and I just got caught up in group thinks. I was silly...just very very very silly.

I then joined an elist ran by Carter Steven's (the name of the group is escaping me at this time) and I was still on that edge of the submission is a gift and hearts and flowers D/s stuff. And it was there I started to see all these other views - there was such a huge variety of thoughts. And it made me really think about what *I* actually believed. Challenged me to really discover for myself what being submissive meant, what surrender and D/s meant to me. I had been so enthralled with notion of D/s that I got caught up in the first things/groups I read instead of really looking at it to see what I felt and believed. After that group kind of disbanded - I found Internal Enslavement and also a group on onelist (now yahoogroups) that was ran by J. Mikael Togneri and then I felt like I found places that really spoke to me. Again both challenged me to discover what I believed but they put some things in terms I hadn't been able to verbalize. Through those groups -- I met some AMAZING people. Some that are very close trusted friends now. But it also when my views really started to changed and formulate into place.

So over all through the years yes of course my views have changed. My personal realizations of myself have though changed a lot too.

Please remember you can still ask questions here! Or over on my LJ.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

March Q & A: Being with a Woman

Do you ever miss being with a woman and would Michael let you?

Yes I do miss being with a woman at times. And the second part of your question is complicated. It really would depend on the situation and where we were at in our relationship.

If you have a question for me, please ask! That link is at my lj -- the entry is public but the comments are screened meaning no one but me will see them and they can be anonymous too.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

March Q&A: Held Under Water

Awhile back you did a post where your Master held you in the shower under the water..sorry I can't seem to find the post now.

I think you are referring to this post about being held underwater in the bathtub. That was with a previous partner...someone I was with right before Master.

How was that for you? It was great because it was loss of control. And had wonderfully intoxicating fear. Breath play is one of my favorites and so it for me was just another form of that so it was a rush.

How did it come about? I am not sure how it came about if I had mentioned other experiences that I enjoyed or if it was just his thing as we did bathtub type play often. Either way it turned us both on.

Is water a fear for you? no I like water

Is it something done often? It was something I did with that partner often. He liked just pushing me over the edge of the water filled tub - holding me under. He also put my head into the toilet water several times.

Master and I have really never played like that but we also don't that type of bathtub that would make it easy. Master and I have done a shower ritual. Where I sit on the bottom of the shower while he takes a shower. I describe it here about mid-post.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

March is question month!

Last year March was question month. So, I am doing it again this year. Feel free to ask anything you might want to know and I will answer in an independent post. Leave a comment or email me.

Losing Freedoms

I think there is a lot wonderfully written things out there on elists and forums but I do get sick of the perfectly sweet answers some people give. I read a post from a slave inquiring if there were any slaves that got upset or angry over living as slave....if they were wanting freedom to do what they wanted and just rebel against being a slave. And about the first 10 answers were...."no I love being a slave and love the freedom slavery gives me." It annoyed me because if you never struggle against the loss of freedoms then I am going to say you haven't had much taken away from you or you are new to your relationship. At least that would be my guess. And nothing wrong that with that. I just wish people would not try to make others feel stupid for feeling something different.

So on to the actual question...if I get angry at losing freedoms. I am a slave but that doesn't mean it is easy peasie as apple pie. I some days just wish I could have some of the freedoms I had when I wasn't owned. Some days I wish I could do things I used too...go out and go shopping when I want to by myself, join a book club without asking, go out for a coffee or tea with a friend without asking, just go to the bathroom without asking for pete sake. Or how about the things I don't get now because Master just doesn't like them. Such as seafood. I love seafood one of my favorite foods. But now I get it just maybe once or twice a year because he doesn't like it. And some days I just really crave it. But I can't have it until Master allows it. I can't wear lace because he doesn't like it but I have some beautiful lingerie with lace. Because I get annoyed and sad about the loss of these things doesn't say I am not a slave. And it doesn't say I don't want to be a slave. It says I am normal. I am going through normal processes of losing freedoms.

I remember when I was first here and the newness and honeymoon period started to fade and reality set in. And I started to grieve those losses. I started to grieve my loss of freedom. Yes, I agree with the perfect answer that there is freedom in my slavery but we do give up a lot of things too. Is the reward bigger as a slave....damn straight it is but that doesn't change that I miss some things I don't have now. And I think it is a normal feeling to experience a sense of loss and get upset about it.

It is just what we do with those feelings. I don't stomp around and get mad at Master. I acknowledge the feelings. I feel them and not stuff them away or pretend they aren't there. But then I try to move past them and maybe replace them with other things that make me happy. I also really look at my life and see why I enjoy being his slave so much.
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