Wednesday, December 31, 2003

Monday Mission - Next week is the last Monday Mission

1. So, what did you get for Christmas?
Just a few things....from Master: little ceramic drawers- added to the things I listed the other day.

2. Are you returning any gifts you were given for Christmas? No

3. For me, the best part of Christmas being over is that there will be no more Fran Drescher "Old Navy" commercials. Ugh, bring back Morgan Fairchild! What is the best part of Christmas being over? No more worrying about what to get Master....He is a really hard person to buy for....He is one of those that if He *really* wants something He gets to come up with something was kind of hard. Plus we are still getting to know all of our likes and dislikes so I am not sure I have found that "thing" - you know that "thing" that makes you go Oh - fill in name - would love this...when you see certain items. Like I think of Grumbles and girlie when I see Dragons and Jackie when I see frogs, my sister when I see turtles, and I could go on but I am rambling. :)

4. Used to be, we would always get together with friends and have Margaritas on New Year's Eve (though time has passed and friends drift apart, so not anymore, sadly). My Grandma always makes sure to eat Black Eyed Peas on N.Y.E. I know of another couple who "do it" on NYE, and time it to reach their "peak" right at 12:00 AM! Do you have any traditions each year for New Year's Eve? No really set in stone traditions....but when in Cleveland. Kam and I would stay in renting movies and I would make some Chinese food....including crab ragoon. And then mudslides. One year Jim and I had friends over...we did appetizers wine, beer and desserts and then played games. It was a fun New Years. New Years tend to be hard on me.

5. If you could go back into 2003 and change just one thing, or get a "do over," what would you do? hmm I can't think of anything. But I guess that is because 2003 was the year of meeting it was a good year!

6. Is there anything you want to accomplish in 2004 that seems within reach?become a better slave to Master

7. Is your online personality very different from what it would be like if I were meeting you in "real life?" I am pretty shy when just meeting people. And then open up after getting to know a person. I am how I am here basically.

BONUS: What you gonna do when you get out of jail? I am out :)

Today's Comment Question: Once the Monday Mission is gone, what meme (weekly Question and Answer) will you pick to replace it? I am not sure....I don't play regularly but always enjoyed the questions!

Tuesday, December 30, 2003

Totally awake tonight....probably hormonal.

Womanly stuff - Ignore if not interested :)

I had my period on the beginning of December which made me so happy thinking I would not get it until beginning of new year. Of course that was too good to be true and so on Dec. 24th it hit me again just lightly, but has been light since then. No cramps really - so that is cool, but I just hope that it was not a false one to try to spoil my Christmas and the real one is still going to hit beginning of January - because then I will have had my period for 14 days instead of huh?


His....SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): You have an uncanny ability now to make your immediate environment more pleasant--even if there are unbearable tensions that won’t go away. Somehow, in the midst of all that’s going on, you can be agreeable and easy to get along with, but you’ll need to convert some of your anger into a more playful _expression in order to keep things light. You could slip in and out of a heavier role, but that won’t prevent you from doing your magic and making your surroundings feel more special.

mine....LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): Someone may get on your case today, but don’t let their misunderstanding drag you into an argument that you don’t want to have. If it’s not your battle, then just let it go. And don’t waste too much energy being disappointed in anyone who lets you down now. Instead, focus your attention on love and other higher forms of _expression. Try to convert your energy into inspiration. You’ll be better off today if you can stay in the spiritual or creative end of the universe.

I found it interesting that ours both talked about other _expressions. We were the only 2 on the page that had it exactly like that. :) Also sometimes lately the horoscopes I read seem like they were more for the day I am in instead of the next day. I just read Monday's horoscope and it sounded like Sunday for me so much.

It is 1:25am right now...but yesterday (Monday) Master found out that He might have to be out of town over New Years Eve and New Years. Well shortly after He told me the days, He started to questioning me about something else and I just lost it. It started with me snapping at Him and then I just broke down crying. New Years Eve is an anniversary for me and although I really thought it was not going to be a big deal this year - when He told me He might be gone the thought of being without Him on that night terrified me. So that kind of sounds like it should have been yesterday's horoscope insted of todays


You are Poetry.
You are often the most emotional of the arts. You
are introverted, in that you tend to let people
come to you rather than trying to get their
attention. You get along well with Music and

What form of art are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

(Tonight being the exception)

I have been sleeping REALLY well for a while now. I have been sleeping through the night now almost every night. I will have 1 to 3 nights of waking up, but even then I am falling asleep a lot faster. Nightmares are not hanging on as long as they usually do. Fear of going to sleep is fading! So the first time in as long as I can remember...I am having nights of sleeping all through the night! :) Yeah Yeah me!

Okay one more thing before trying to get some sleep....I found this quote while surfing on Monday...

"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self." ~ Cyril Connolly

Saturday, December 27, 2003

I am sitting here trying to find words to describe Christmas. It was special of course because this is our first Christmas together. I remember last year talking to Master on the phone on Christmas and telling Him I knew we would be together for the next Christmas...and we were together. :) It was a cozy, quiet, and special.

You can read some of our morning details at Master's journal.

We gave the kitties presents to them first. They were very excited with the cat nip toys! And all the other stuff. It was fun to watch them. After that Master and I opened our stockings. They were stuffed full and then some spilling out!

We then ate cinnamon rolls while chatting and listening to Christmas music before unwrapping Christmas presents.

I received many wonderful gifts from my family and Master...
I am not going to list them all...

Master gave me The Princess Bride DVD which we watched the evening of the 25th. He also gave me the latest Laurell K. Hamilton book...Cerulean Sins. And something else very special...a little heart tag that says My Girl on it and then my slave number. :)

My parents gave me a crockpot and a breadmachine - 2 things I had asked for but my Mom hates giving gifts like that...because they are not "personal" to her. But I told her I would be making lots of yummy things for Master and I in them so that it was personal. If anyone has some good bread machine recipes please feel free to pass them on!

Along the cooking lines....Master got me a year subscription to cooking light, their holiday magazine and also the annual cookbook. So I hope to be cooking more healthy in the new year!

My sisters gave me a gift that was on a wish list from years and years ago...and now....although I still love them they have different meaning. I am trying to just let it be something I have always wanted and go with it. The gift is the Griffin & Sabine trilogy. They are very cool books if you have never seen them. And I also got a beautiful journal from them. It is one of those I will be scared to write in because I don't want to screw it up. I have done that with really good paper too...when I want to draw...I am much more comfortable drawing on newsprint because I don't worry about ruining a wonderful piece of paper.

After opening presents we just kind of hung out, talked with friends and family, and had Master's family traditional dinner. We watched Miracle on 34th Street the one with Natalie Wood. And then we played Mille Bornes and drank wine, snacking, laughing and having fun. And retreated to the living room to snuggle on the couch and watch The Princess Bride. It is such a good movie.

We had a nice quiet cozy relaxing day. It was very good Christmas!

For me it is still Christmas really....we are in the 12 days of Christmas. :)

Master did not know the 12 days of Christmas were after Christmas not before and so He went to look for info on it and found meaning behind the song the 12 Days of Christmas....I thought was kind of interesting.

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

Without love we could not survive. Human beings are social creatures, and a concern for each other is the very basis of our life together. -His Holiness the Dalai Lama

It is Christmas Eve...

Our first Christmas together!

Today I woke up with a migraine and was worried that was going to spoil things for today, but it didn't. I caught it in time! This morning wench called singing "we wish you a Merry Christmas" - it was very nice. We had a pretty long call. It was good to talk to girlie! During the afternoon just before I started cooking, my family called. I talked to everyone. It made me miss them more.

I thought a lot today about growing up and the Christmas' I had as child. I looked in my archives because I knew I had talked about it before. They were always very magical.

The rest of the afternoon was spent cooking and snuggling with Master. We had a nice candle light dinner. And then we went out driving around looking at all the Christmas lights. It was a very nice Christmas Eve.

I am not even sure I can find words to describe how happy and grateful to be here with Master. I love Him very much and would not want to be anywhere else but with Him.

There is a place inside that just radiates with the warmth of us....together on this path. At times I wish I had met Master sooner, but as we have talked about in the past - it wasn't time. And now is OUR time....and I am just so happy to be where I am....home...home is Master.

And with that...I think of a favorite song that always reminds me of Master....

Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

by Chantal Kreviazuk

I hope everyone has Happy Holiday full of peace, love and joy!

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

slavery test.....There is no slavery test. There is no such thing...well unless your Master makes you jump through hoops in high heels that is a heck of a test for slaves :) Enough said on that.

Secondly...I want to be around like minded people who don't say I am insane for wanting a Master/slave relationship. I want to be around some people that *desire* a Master/slave relationship to discuss topics and issues that arise in M/s relationships. I do find it interesting how those in M/s relationships all seem to understand where I am coming from, but those that aren't don't seem to see that there might be benefits from being in a part of a group that *desire* to be in M/s are of like mind.

I mean how did the first BDSM group start....basically because people wanted to be around like minded people, so why is it hard to accept that their might be people who could benefit and want to be in a group that is more specialized. There is groups all over the world for different things...rubber fetishes, gay leather men, gay leathermen in rodeos, uniform clubs, age play groups, women groups, poly why is a M/s group so terrible?????

Happy Birthday Moni!

I hope you have a VERY Happy Birthday full of love, laughter and joy!

Monday, December 22, 2003

Convo on Trading Spaces a few moments ago...

It was in regards to chairs that Vern and Paige were staining...

Paige: I saw these leather straps (as she goes to pick them up)
Vern: You are not going to use them for collars are you?
Paige: If it has to do with a leather strap I am in

Sunday, December 21, 2003

Music: none...hear the Broncos in the background
Mood: good
Topics: Baking, On edge, Slave vs Submissive...who is better?

Baking Baking Baking...

I waited to bake until today because I did not want Master and I to eat them all up before giving them to family/friends, work and such.

I made Chocolate Carmels, Fudge, Festive Holiday Bark, Sour Cream Cookies and then Magic Bars. They all turned out great! I was so worried with the altitude that I might have some problems but I didn't :) Master helped me also - as so many of my holiday recipes are recipes that say STIR CONSTANTLY *uggghhss* So He helped me stir and then also after dinner loaded the dishwasher for me. He takes good care of me. :)

Pain, Pleasure and getting back into it....

Master and I have started playing more again. And at times I get so frightened by it....I get scared of a simple thing like spanking. Or sometimes He will work me up just a little - like a tease and then walk away. And then it puts me on edge instead of leaving me titillated and wanting more it just puts me so on edge and any thing and everything makes me upset. I get sad and cry. And I just wish I could shake off the being on edge and let go into things...if He starts again. But in most cases I can't. I just get further on edge, further upset and I don't know why. It is almost like a flashback - when I am feeling on edge. But with no flashback but all the residual mind, jittery where I can't sit still - foot bouncing and cry lots.

And here all I have wanted for some time is to be played with and then I get on edge and then that is when He plays with me. So I can't get into it. I don't get turned on. My cunt is usually dry in those moments. I don't react in ways He likes. And my instincts tell me to run and hide when all I want in those moments is Master to hold me and let me know everything is going to be okay.

Slave or Submissive...who is better?

I think there is levels to submission....

I am not going to quote the 9 levels of submission or whatever it is....but I do believe there are levels...

Some people submit just for a scene.
Some have real specific perimeters in the relationship.
Some people give up total control.
Some people see each other on weekends and in that time give up total control but outside that time go back to a vanilla life or limited control.
Some people just submit in the bedroom.
Others only in a domestic service way...

The possibilities are endless...

Just because someone is submissive does not mean they want to be in a 24/7 relationship. Sometimes people aren't submissive but are slaves.

There are so many possibilities...but all in all we submit for 10 mins or a or why we do that is personal.

Okay that being said...

When I was in D/s relationship opposed to M/s relationship, it was easier, but not as fulfilling. I am not saying it is like that for everyone. I am just saying for *me* - being in a M/s relationship is harder and more fulfilling. It is harder but the rewards - internally - far outweigh the hardships.

When I was in a D/s relationship I had control, privacy and freedom to make choices, do what I wanted when I wanted (within certain perimeters at times). But it left me feeling empty.

Now, I don't have control, privacy or freedom to make choices. Everything I do is because Master has told me to or allowed me to. I can't even leave (but I don't want to anyway). But I feel more fulfilled and free to be myself then I ever have before.
At times I wish I could just say no, just go to the mall or even go the bathroom without having to ask...but then I would have control And in the long run that would make me unfulfilled.

A friend wrote in her journal that she did not like that submissives were looked down upon like slaves were better. (As I said above I don't think one is better then the other. I just think we are all different. We might all fit under the BDSM umbrella but we all take a different stroll in the rain.) But what is odd to me is that I have come across more prejudices and judgements in being a slave then when I was in a D/s relationship.

I have heard, "Well slavery is not legal so you are not really a slave." Or "No one can give up total control." Or, "You can walk away when you want."

I have gotten unbelievable scenarios thrown at me...the "whatif He came at you with an ax and told you He was going to cut your hand would just stay there?" Ugghh those type of scenarios just irritate me.

I have had people tell me to my face that I am insane for getting in a relationship and giving up total control and those are people IN the lifestyle.

Master has wanted to start a local BDSM group and I have been kind of apprehensive about it because of the above reasons. I don't want to hear those things again. I know I will there is no way around it. But I would prefer to be around a more narrow section of like-minded people. That is why we have tossed around starting a MasT group. Because then at least we would be around people who were wanting to be in M/s relationships and not have some judgements that happen in BDSM groups. Or at least that is what I hope for...

Okay going to sign off and surf a little more or go wrap carmels.

Saturday, December 20, 2003

We went to see The Return of the Kings...only thing being said by me right now is that it was good. We then went to dinner afterwards and had a wonderful server. She was so nice. I hate onions and did not see that what Master ordered me had onions. When I took a bit into onion, I think I could have almost got sick at the table. Big raw chunks of onion....yucky. Anyway our server went past at that time and she asked if something was wrong. And I asked if what I was having, had onions in it - listed on the menu. She said yes and I said okay. She then before I could say anything else offered to get me a new one without onions. Master tipped her very well.

We came home and crashed and then of course got up early in the morning not able to sleep. I am working on a grocery list and surfing while it seems Master is writing a book for His blog. (He finished His blog and went to bed before I posted mine because I am multitasking) :)

It is really hard for me to fantasize because it gets my hopes up....I then create expectations that are not met of course because He does not have to meet mine...I only have to meet His....

But today I tried to force myself to fantasize because I figured Master and I would be playing this weekend and it is better that I am more well...turned on....

It started soft and sensual. I am not sure why but it did. It started with candles and music and soft caresses and whispers and kisses that were passionate...those ones that you can tell the hunger and desire in them.

It moved to Master putting the leather hood on me...holding me getting me used to the breathing. I have asthma and sometimes the leatherhood can take some adjustment. I wish it didn't :( He lies next to me softly telling me to focus on my breathing. He holds me close touching my naked skin. My skin almost jumps to meet His touch with need and anticipation.

He then puts the remote egg in me and turns me over reminding me to remember my breathing...and starts spanking of those spankings only Master can seem to do. They are very erotic but painful at the same time. He spanks and then moves to some punching of my ass. I feel the pain in each blow. And the endorphins start kicking and wanting more pain.

I then just start getting the flash of images...of what ifs he did this or that...or maybe a the mind goes wild of course finally....

~ clothes pins all over my breasts
~ clothes pins holding my pussy open - duct taping them down to hold the lips open. Clothes pins on my clit, clit hood and inner labia....maybe taking the egg out and fucking me with the big pink vibe...fucking me to the edge and then stopping. Teasing me. Making my body beg by bucking my hips.
~ after the spanking he leaves me on my stomach with the egg in it and has me get on my hands and knees and gets the big pink vibe out and lubes it up and fucks my ass with it.
~ He stands me up after the spanking. He takes the forceps to my pussy and hangs weights off them...kicking and slapping at them. Maybe does the same with my breasts.
~ maybe stands me up flogging my front....then caning me....and then punching me
~ He spanks me and then takes rope binding me up really tight or maybe uses saran to mummify me....leaving me there using the remote egg to tease me
~ He binds my tits with these little bungees we have that are perfect size for breasts. He then uses the nipple clamps on them...maybe bending me over so they hang and then using forceps on my pussy lips and weights hanging off He kicks them and then my breast of course bounce and move causing even more pain.
~ breast bound and canes my ass
~ Just a good old-fashioned flogging

There is so many images that went through my mind...all pretty tame for me....I guess lol

I guess I am trying to think less right now.

I know it is Saturday but here is the Friday Five....

1. List your five favorite beverages.
Diet Coke
Cherry Limeade
Wassil (is the season for it)

2. List your five favorite websites.

Master's Journal :)
Live Journal
Internal Enslavement
Art Magick

3. List your five favorite snack foods.

Asiago Cheese and crackers
Kettle Korn
Chocolate all forms of delicious goodness (chocolate chip cookies, Ben and Jerry's Brownie Fudge Ice Cream, m&m's, oreos, hershey's with almonds, midnight bliss, chocolate cream pie (homemade), dove chocolates both milk and dark...okay I think you get the picture)
On the Border Tortilla Chips and Black Bean Salsa

4. List your five favorite board and/or card games.

Trival Pursuit (80's Edition my favorite)
Apples to Apples

5. List your five favorite computer and/or game system games.

Okay I don't play computer games....

I used to be hooked on Majong and Solitare, but now there is never a game even opened on my computer.

So I am going to list my five favorite books...
The Valkyries by Paulo Coehlo
The Market Place Series by Laura Antoniou
Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield (an oldie but still one of my favorites because it taught me so much)
Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand
Home Comforts by Cheryl Mendelson

I would list some art books but I have too many favorites to pick just one! LOL :)

Apache Wisdom

An elder Apache was teaching his grandchildren about life.

He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.

The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too."

They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Apache simply replied, "The one you feed."

Friday, December 19, 2003

Just a quickie...

Master and I are sneaking off to go to Return of the King in this afternoon. :) I think it will be a good break for Him since He has had such a rough week at work!

Yesterday I added links to my blogger...

Dark Fairy Tales
kharita's Journal
Love of Slavery
The Slave's Heart

Thursday, December 18, 2003

Found one someone's journal....

This is from the Pema Chodron Collection.
Pema Chodron is a Buddhist nun.

In one of the Buddha's discourses, he talks about the four kinds of horses:
the excellent horse,
the good horse,
the poor horse,
and the really bad horse.

The excellent horse, according to the sutra (a discourse or teaching by the Buddha), moves before the whip even touches its back; just the shadow of the whip or the slightest sound from the driver is enough to make the horse move.
The good horse runs at the lightest touch of the whip on its back.
The poor horse doesn't go until it feels pain,
the very bad horse doesn't budge until the pain penetrates to the marrow of its bones.

Interesting when relating it to D/s don't you think?

Today is the birthday of a high school friend who I did date a few times. He was that one that I had regrets with....that I wished would have worked out and such. But I guess all things for a reason huh? Anyway I hope he is having a VERY Happy Birthday.

Here is the December's article that Master and I wrote for SMART's newletter..

It Takes a Community

As this year comes to a close, it is a time for reflection and gratitude. Most of us begin our lifestyle path not knowing exactly where we will end up. There are places within our community that not only help us make sense of our desires but offers the opportunity to socialize with other like minded people.

Each year there are a lot of people that work behind the scenes (no pun intended) who help the BDSM community come together for education, socializing and lots of kinky fun. From organizers to volunteers, to activists and sponsors, they devote all of this effort on behalf of the community. They do this for the sake of the community, so that we have a safe haven to meet, learn various things and be with other like minded people.

The efforts of these individuals help the lifestyle community work though the obstacles, to expose the ignorance, and reveal that we all have the same issues, no matter how we chose to live our life. Let's face it, it's difficult to practice the lifestyle when we're surrounded by the vanilla world. We all face the same problem, as do the volunteer, program people and activists. The exception is that these people put a lot of their life on the line for the sake of these meetings, going out into the vanilla world to make arrangements for a meeting, a play party or a bdsm event. They face the vanilla world's opinions and sacrifice on behalf of the community.

We live a lifestyle that takes a lot of commitment, learning, and responsibility. There are people who work hard to help us grow and learn in this lifestyle. And although they do all this hard work for the mutual cause we all have - living our lifestyle freely - these dedicated folks still get a lot of criticism. There are some people who complain and are generally not supportive about anything that the group does. Even as complaints mount, tensions grow, and opinions get aired, many of these hard working people get burnt out or become disillusioned that the community does not appreciate the effort, dedication, and personal sacrifice for the sake of even having a community where we can meet and gather. Unfortunately that creates an unnecessary stress point coming from the very community that these volunteers are trying to provide for. With the vanilla society poised and ready to judge our every move, we don't need that kind of thing going on inside our own community. If a particular group's vision and direction doesn't fit what you believe or goes against your ideals, then there are other groups out there that may fit within your ideal better. But even if you don't agree with the philosophy, it's important to realize see the larger picture on behalf of the community. Naturally, we are all free to agree or disagree.

Even though we are all unique in our philosophies and opinions, we are still apart of the larger lifestyle community. This is not a suggestion that folks should censor their beliefs or be able to express their concerns about the direction of a group. But there should be some appreciation to those who manage, work and deal with a huge program all the meanwhile protecting the values and spirit that guides the community. Therefore, we would like people to give praise, a big hug or a heart-filled thank you to all of the hardworking activists, organizers and volunteers.

This year we would like to encourage everyone to think about how much work it takes to keep the community up and running. Things that we don't necessarily think about such as putting on 12 months of meetings, creating a monthly newsletter, designing and maintaining a website, plan and implement a play party, organize and work a BDSM weekend event from top to bottom. It is not easy work to come up with people to speak, find fresh topics to present, locate speakers to do new demos and still be able to do the monthly upkeep of putting on play parties, meetings and gatherings. It takes a lot of work to keep everything fresh and new. We have wonderful people in our community that want to keep it alive and work hard to keep pushing forward with it.

In keeping with this excellence, what better way to give back to the community, by becoming involved beyond the level of the spectator. Run for a position on a board, become a volunteer, or ask anyone in these committees to see how you can help and contribute to the community. Even if you're new, or have been around for years, everyone has something they can contribute. You may volunteer a night to be a dungeon master at a play party, set up a table with brochures, or help prepare and set up food and drink at meetings. Whether you are a greeter for newcomers, offer your knowledge as a speaker at a meeting or for a weekend BDSM event, or even if you merely make a suggestion for a topic, each person does make a difference.

So, in a season where we give thanks and have quiet reflection of the year that has gone by, we'd like to thank everyone who have defended, contributed, and participated in the community. The success of this lifestyle largely depends on the quality of the population it contains. With all of the dedication and resolve it takes to make the lifestyle community a successful effort, thank you

copyright 2003 - all rights reserved

Tuesday, December 16, 2003


I hope to have some time this week to catch up with some friends, some good discussions on some elists, comments on a couple entries and on all my regular journal reads. But tonight I don't have the brain for it. I am really just so tired. I will also need to add some links to my blogger for a few journals I am now reading and they have me linked as well.

Today I got up and finished off Christmas cards and getting my parent's package ready, did some laundry and a few other odd-n-ends before getting ready for Master to pick me up. We went to the post office, lunch and then He dropped me off at the mall.

It was kind of an odd experience in itself - being so dependent on Him for so much in my life. It was odd to spend money without Him also, but it was for Him...His Christmas presents.

After Master picked me up and brought me home, I still did not really have time to rest and relax. I went straight into cleaning house and then making dinner. I did not really sit down until dinner with Master.

I am just kind of sitting here surfing and reading and waiting for Master to be done online. I am sure I will not remember most of what I read tonight....:(

I could use this quote this week....

Take a deep breath, count to ten, and tackle each task one step at a time. - Linda Shalaway

And throwing this one in because I love this author....Thanks to DM for suggesting him.

Man improves himself as he follows his path; if he stands still, waiting to improve before he makes a decision, he'll never move. - Paulo Coelho

Monday, December 15, 2003

I am going to try to write a little before I have to get back at the tasks for tonight.

I got my hair cut on Saturday - 5 inches off. It is just a few inches past my shoulder now instead of just above my ass. I really like it. It is so much easier. I don't seem to be having as many problems with it - such as shedding, tangles, and such. When we were in the salon I told the stylist I wanted about 2 inches off - thinking she would do ACTUAL inches but her inches and my inches are different LOL Anyway she showed me before she cut how much she would take off and I was oh no I want more. I called Master over and asked her to show Him and said don't I want more then that off? And He agreed to 5 inches (actual inches not her inches).

Saturday morning before heading out to get our haircuts Master gave me a long spanking. It was delicious. Master played the drums for 14 years and wow...I love His spankings. I have never been a big spanking person but Master's spanking is so yummy! They just vibrate through my whole body...and make me all tingly. A few times I thought I was about to orgasm from it. You can tell that He is basically playing the drums on my ass...because just as you would make the drum make different sounds from how you hit it....He does that with my ass. And each way He smacks my ass - feels different depending on what He is doing. And they don't even have to be hard to get really intense and yummy!

They leave me wanting more because they make me hot thinking about them. (*blushing and squirming as I just took time out to read my Master's blog entry....yeah me!!!)

Okay....what else did I want to write about.....

Oh on Sunday morning I got up early and was in a creative mood so Master told me to keep working on the things I was and He made us breakfast! :) It was very nice of Him. I told Him many times that I could stop, but He insisted I keep working and let Him make breakfast. I felt a little guilty but it was very nice of Him and I appreciate everything He does like that. He has often helped out doing things around the house. And I appreciate it so much. He is good man and I am very lucky to have Him as my Master. :)

Today I spent the day putting up decorations around the house. My Mom years and years ago started me on these ornaments that are little dollhouses and I now have a very very full village - 18 houses to be exact. I know I am missing some in the series too.

Well I better get busy....I hope to have more time to write on Wednesday probably. Tomorrow afternoon I am going shopping I need to get a couple more things for Master. :)

Sunday, December 14, 2003


~ I have been dreaming about a pair of shoes for the last week LOL I have woke up wet and turned on by these shoes. Sad but true LOL

~ Okay some pet peeve....people who correct typo's on emailing list and forums. What is the point? To make them look smarter? ugghhh

~ We went to Master's work party last night. It was kind of a rough start to the evening but it ended good. I was really nervous about going...I am really quiet when around new people. And I was worried about saying something wrong or stupid and making Master look bad. But things went pretty good. I really did not talk to a lot of people but everyone was very nice. Positive note the appetizer I brought was ate up very fast. Everyone there thinks I am good cook. So I am glad they liked it.

~ Friday in the mail I got a package that hit me harder then I thought it would. My ex-mother-in-law,whom I good friends with, sent me some stuff from her parents house. I considered them Grandma and Grandpa...they were lovely people. Very nice with kind hearts.

The things she sent me hit me hard. She sent me things that Jim and I gave Grandma and Grandpa. Plus one piece of embroidery that Grandma everything in the package of course had great meaning. What really hit me hard though was some notepads I made Grandma and Grandpa. And then a bookmarker that Jim and I gave Grandma. It was so strange...there beneath all the packing popcorn there was this note..."do you remember when you made these for everyone?" And so I digged under the note and there was...2 notepads. I just started crying so hard.

One year after I had just started playing with graphics on the computer - I made everyone personalized notepads. It was fun to make them, but Jim had not been very happy with me doing it....long story short - because getting them bound and printed cost to much to him.

So that was hard to get that but it was so nice of her to think about giving me things of theirs since I am not technically a part of their family anymore.

We also got a Christmas present from my ex-in-laws...we as in Master and I got a present together from them. They always give me birthday and Christmas presents, so it was extra special of them to me to include Master on this years Christmas present. They are really good people.

It is really odd because Jim's Mother and I had lots of rough spots when I was married to him. But now we are very good friends. I always have liked them...they have always been really helpful, kind and generous to me. Even when they did not need to be.

~ What is does being 24/7 in D/s relationship mean to me? 24/7 to me means living with someone 24/7. I know that when I was in Ohio, I would obey and worked to serve and please Master - 24 hours of the day 7 days of the week. But it is nothing like living here 24/7 with Master. Master did not see me go to the bathroom when I was in Ohio, I was able have private time, I had to have permission to go to parties and things but I could run to the store without asking. I could spend money when I wanted. I did what I wanted for the most part because Master was not with me 24/7. Here Master knows if I have gone to the bathroom and not only that if I was urinating or having a bowel movement. He knows money spent is because Master only gives me money occasionally (such as for Christmas presents). I don't go anywhere without Master. I am 24/7....and it is really hard work sometimes. But also just so great because there is nothing I do that Master does not know about. He is always here for me and I for Him. I am with a wonderful supportive man who I love, serve and obey 24/7 :)

~ We put our tree up tonight. :) It was fun to do with Master....very meaningful and the tree is beautiful. We did it all in red lights and then we have plaid ribbon as garland. We have an array of ornaments on it - from His first Christmas ornament from the year He was born - to handmade beaded ornaments His Grandmother made to all my Noah's Arks (I have collected them for years) to newer ones like the one Moni gave me for Christmas last year. And now a new one too. Master and I bought a dated ornament for our first Christmas. It is a Hallmark ornament. It is a little burgundy satin bag with beads on the bottom - and then a pewter heart hanging off the front that says Christmas 2003. In the bag there are charms in it with expressions of love on the front and Kiss Me/Sexy, My Princess/My Prince, Always/Forever, My Inspiration/Soul Mate. I think it fits us. :) I look forward to seeing it each year on the Christmas tree and spending each year decorating it with Master....remembering as we pull the ornament out to hang it up. :)

~ Horoscopes for tomorrow...

His...SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): Your dilemma is shifting. Whereas your larger concern has been about the outer world versus your inner world, now there is an additional dimension to your worries. It’s about the overall importance of your larger, more philosophical concerns versus the immediate details of todays schedule. Even you Sagittarians--you champions of the big picture--have to contend with the smaller and more mundane aspects of your life.

mine....LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): You are on the edge of change and the next weeks can see a newly energized you making a reappearance in your own drama. For now, however, you are still doing your best work in the hidden realms of your own subconscious mind. What you craft now within your imagination is the seed for what may unfold throughout the rest of this month and on into early next year.

~ Of course now that it is near Christmas and I have lots to do...I am getting a surge of creativity wanting to come out - when I really could have used that a few weeks ago. :( But I have used it the last few days and that is good. :) This week proves to be busy...tomorrow I have to get everything that needs sent out done - meaning all Christmas Cards, packages and such. I also have to get all the Christmas boxes put back in the spare room since I drug them out to decorate...and I also have some more decorating of the house too do.

And something I saw that was cute :)

give danaewhispering more *HUGS*

Get hugs of your own

Wednesday, December 10, 2003


Well my mind has been racing for a while, but I can't seem to get the thoughts out....

At least into full coherent thoughts.....

So some random thoughts that maybe someday I will get back to....maybe.


For me it enhances my level submission....because it breaks down walls for me. It takes my ego down a few notches. It helps me remember my place.

I think that it can be damaging, but is all about doing it right and with the right person. I say go slow if you are just starting to explore this with your partner.I have a long history of humiliation being used and I need it.

I find is also kind amusing so many people say they are not into humiliation and will talk about how damaging it it and extreme. But really it humiliation can be a wide range of things and what is humiliating to me might not being humiliating to you.  I find it amusing because I think many have experienced it even for a few moments and probably ended up turned on....such think about that first time getting naked at a play party? Wasn't that hard? Wasn't that embarrassing? Didn't it make you uncomfortable?That could be a form of humiliation.

The reason I was thinking of humiliation is...1) someone talking about "NEVER doing humiliation that it was so dangerous and damaging to anyone who does it" - 2) a new group I joined had a humiliation thread going (which I am going to post my reply to the thread here) - 3) I had a really humiliating dream last night 

So here is the post...

Humiliation is used in my relationship.

Going to give a few how I define embarrassment, humiliation and degradation....

Embarrassment for me is to feel uncomfortably self-conscious.

Humiliation for me is to lower my pride, dignity...humble me.

Degradation for me is to bring my status down, to reduce value or worth.

I have a lot of humiliation fantasies and degradation fantasies...Master and I have done...

~ being used as an urinal
~ being made to urinate on myself - privately and in public
~ being made to act like a pig (thanking Grumbles and Girlie for the pig snout NOT! *Blushing*)
~ being made to urinate in a bucket
~ being objectified - such as being used like a piece of furniture

~ have to eat food covered in cum or urine
~ eat from a dog bowl

Okay off of that subject now.

Submission is a lot of different things to a lot of different people. Sometimes I wish there was a more concise language associated with our lifestyle. There are jargons used with specific careers - that means things to the people in specific careers. We have jargon we use in our lifestyle, but it can mean a countless of different things.

Submission for me pretty basic…..obey, serve and please the one I yield to. I submit because I need too. Now part of my submission - that enhances the intimacy between my Master and I - is SM, sex, power and control.

Submission can come easy and it is also at times a struggle (tonight being a struggle). I get tired of submitting....yes I really do. Does it make me less submissive? Or not a slave? I don't think so it just makes me human. I think I just get tired period and it affects everything in my life....not just my submission. But the bottom line is that the power exchange is still there. That foundation is still there...and I am very thankful it is there. We always have the power exchange. I am always owned even if I don't feel "submissive" and even if I don't feel "dominated."

Someone on a list was talking also about how that it is just wrong for a Dominant to make a submissive jump through hoops. Maybe it is a D/s relationship vs. M/s relationship? Because although I am not fond of jumping through hoops....Master can damn well do what He wants and for whatever reason (because it amuses Him, it is to push me or whatever) that is the relationship we place.

Example: I have to ask for permission to go to the bathroom...and lately Master has in my humble opinion made me jump through hoops to get there. And yes it grates on my nerves, but He wants it. I ask and He will make me do a little dance I do if I really have to go. And if I am not doing the dance or until I do then He won't let me go. I have wanted to yell a few time "damn it I need to pee" but of course I can't. I just do the dance until He says yes. I jump the hoop for His amusement.

Is what He is doing damaging to me? No way, but it is making me jump through a hoop for His amusement and that is His right.

Okay I am going to have Master read this and then sign off...

Oh one more thing I have a few blog links to add....but I will do that tomorrow. Both of whom have added me as link and I read their journals too :)

Monday, December 08, 2003

horoscopes for tomorrow....


His...SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): If you thought yesterday’s Full Moon had some power, hold onto your hat! The Sun will be tensely squaring your planet, Jupiter, tomorrow--and it’s already driving you beyond the capabilities of mortal men (and women). But, for a few days, you feel immortal and can take on enormous tasks. You believe you can do anything. The problem is that you are not immortal, and although you can do more than usual, there are limits. Don’t try to go beyond those limits.

mine...LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): Your thoughts of escape drift to faraway places, either in the real world or in realms of fantasy. If someone should challenge one of your dreams, don’t get trapped into thinking you need to defend it. It’s yours. You don’t need to justify your ideas now to anyone--unless you’ve been working on a new project and your boss wants an update. It this case, keep the best stuff to yourself.
No one can die. None can be degraded forever. Life is but a playground, however gross the play may be. However we may receive blows and however knocked about we may be, the Soul is there and is never injured. We are that Infinite. -Vivekananda

This weekend was a long weekend....but I was happy to be able to celebrate Master's birthday with Him. :) As I noted in my last entry Master's parents surprised us with a visit so it was a long weekend having them here with us. They left this morning. Master's parents are very nice and I am happy they were able to celebrate Master's birthday with us. But I do have to say I wish we would have had a little more alone time then we did. :( I was looking forward to a long weekend staying at home - celebrating.
But again it was nice to see Master's parents.

Saturday night was nice....we went to the local parade...the parade of lights. It was fun...I enjoyed seeing all the floats....all the kids singing Christmas Carols and then of course seeing Santa Claus :) There were some very cool lights being displayed in the parade. After the parade we came home and had birthday cake and sang happy birthday to Master. :)

Of course today I just feel kind of down and out of it. A weekend of company just kind of drains me. They really enjoyed my cooking and how I have decorated the house. They seemed to have a really nice time and thanked me many times for all I did for them this weekend....which was very sweet of them.

I got to talk to Moni 2 times on the phone today and also girlie once. It was nice. :) Girlie is sick right now so I am sending her big healthy hugs her way. I thought of Moni and many others lots on Saturday even though it was Master's birthday as it was Carpe Diem's Annual Christmas party and so I was feeling a little sad about missing out on that...but I am very very HAPPY to have been with Master and celebrating His birthday!

Not much else I have to write about right now. Master had a hard time at work. I am wishing there is something I can do to help Him with His stress level, but He keeps assuring me that I am doing everything that I can be to help Him.

I added another link to the side....Wild Heart. I really have enjoyed reading her blogger. She writes about life. And anyone reading me knows that is what I like to read about.


I was thinking of Don again today as I was reading some things I have written about him. I started to think about the time is started to change. And so here is a story of old from when he started to change....

There came a time where Don was changing. He snapped at me more often for things that he normally would not have even said anything or things that were fine one time and the next I would be in trouble for doing it that way or saying it that way. He was distracted, unfocused and acting just different. I found out later he had started gambling and was losing lots of money (his parent's money).

Really there is a moment though that I recall being the start of change in our relationship…

We had been out and came back to the house. Some of his housemates were hanging in the living room. He stopped and talked to some of them. Most of the time I would just stand there and not say anything unless he prompted me too or someone asked me a direct question. Otherwise I was quiet and standing on the outside of them.

He was talking and joking with his housemates and one of them said something….that I don't recall the exact words but it made me laugh. But it was something that was poking fun at Don. He kind of laughed with them. But he did not continue on the conversation with them long after.

When we got to his room, he told me to go run him a bath. I kneeled next to the bathtub giving him a bath. He complained the water was not hot enough. And I apologized. He then complained about not getting his clothes put away after I did his laundry. I apologized. And the list went on and on of things I did not do quite right. I apologized each time….and silently thought, "I need to do better."

I bathed him the whole time he went on with his list of my wrong doings. When I was done washing him, we always talked. He stroked my hair as we talked. He then got quiet and smiled. Before I even knew what was happening, my head was under the water. He was holding me under. I reached up and tried to get his hands away from me. I tried to pull back and he held me in place. I was panicking. He pulled me up and told me things I don't remember exact wording...but mostly things to degrade and humiliate me. He told me I was worthless and not worthy of his time. That I did not deserve him. And then he got to the point of why he was doing what he was doing…he said, "how dare you laugh at me….just a worthless piece of shit"

I did not understand - as I had totally forgot about it, as it was not a big deal to me. I pleaded - pleading for an explanation because I did not understand and I was pushed under again. He would push me under and then pull me up and spit on me and tell me how fucking worthless and stupid I was…and then push me down. Each time I would beg for forgiveness and fight as I was pushed under. There came a point where I just begged for him to forgive me….and not fight it just let him do this to me. Water had been splashed everywhere…I was tired and I was not sure what to do be doing but just kept screaming inside, "please forgive me."

He then told me to suck him. He pushed me under the water onto his hard cock. He fucked my mouth and I was choking with the water and his cock in my mouth. He would rise up above the water and I would catch my breath and then He would push me under again. I felt like it was getting so black in the bright white bathroom. I felt everything starting to quiet and even his words started to fade like he was a million miles away. I felt the darkness raising up from me and giving into it…and of course just then he came and pulled me up out of the water.

He got out of the tub and threw a towel at me and told me to clean up the mess I made. I sat there and cried. And I also sat there and had moments of internal workings saying - get up and leave. But I didn't. I cleaned up the mess. I made sure the bathroom was very clean and neat. I came out to get dressed and he was in bed. I asked to leave and he said yes but first checked the bathroom to make sure it was clean.

I got dressed and left….

I came back the next day...yes I came back....and it was like it never happened. But things started happening more and more....that were not of the ordinary. Things started happening that made me question what I was doing with him...yet I did not leave.

Saturday, December 06, 2003

Just a quickie...

This morning I woke up and heard Master's cell phone ringing...I brought it to Him. I came back to ask for a diet coke....where He proceeded to tell me it was His sister on the phone and His parents were on there way here to surprise Him for His birthday.

Thank gawd for His sister....*big hugs to her*

So I immediately was stressed....because I was stressed when my parents gave me 1 1/2 weeks noticen - so to get 2 hours notice....I was STRESSED. Of course Master made it all just giving me a hug and putting all my nervousness away. I am thankful I had gotten everything really done yesterday - because I did not want to do anything this weekend with Master's birthday being Saturday (today now). To add to things today I woke up with a migraine. :( So I had to hurry around doing a sweep to the kitchen floor, doing a once over to the guest bathroom and things like that and trying to make my migraine go away. They arrived when I was just getting ready to get in the shower.

Tonight I threw together sausage with green, yellow and red peppers - spaghetti sauce from the jar - and pasta for dinner plus some brushetta. And then a little ice cream for dessert. Master and His father went up to the liquor store to pick up 2 bottles of wine. They sell wine from our local favorite winery and also had my favorite that has won awards. It is really almost peppery wine. So with the peppers in the sauce over the pasta it really went well together.

Master's parents loved the food and I am was the first time I have cooked for them so I was very nervous. Tomorrow night I am making Master's favorite beef stroganoff and then I was going to make a new cake. A flourless chocolate cake, but because His parents showed up I did not want to battle with the altitude and new recipe - so Master told me to make Midnight Bliss because it was something He loves. I just feel like that is the cake I always make when we have a special occasion and it is but it is a good cake.

Well I better sign off and get to bed as Master's parents are early risers. :(

One more thing before posting....

Happy Birthday Master!

I love you very much and hope that you have a VERY Happy Birthday!

Friday, December 05, 2003

Oh I forgot to post....

Last night Master and I were watching Angel. And I missed everything in this new season up until about 2 weeks last nights was a repeat but a repeat I needed to see because it had important info in it that explained a lot.

Such as Harmony being on the show and how Spike showed Gunn became a lawyer and other odds-n-ends. It was a good episode....called Just Rewards.

One line was really funny to Master and I...

There is a mystic named Spanky that Angel goes to for some information. Spanky has an infinity for spanking (He had a very nice collection of paddles on his wall). Spanky tells Angel that he is not into spanking men and then tries to attack Angel. Angel grabs a big paddle off the wall and says, "well I don't have a problem spanking men!"

It was really fun how he said it! :)

Thursday, December 04, 2003

Well I have not written in a few days...I am not sure why I guess just because I have been busy doing other things when I am off/online.

This morning I got a chance to talk to wench. :) And last night I had a pleasant surprise. Not too long ago I tracked down an address for a high school friend that I had lost touch of while living in Ohio. So I had written her just before my parents came to visit and last night the phone rang as I was dressing for Master....and it was her :) It was really good to hear her voice and chat with her. She was always a good friend and I regret letting that friendship slip away while in Ohio. We had a great conversation and she had been trying to track me down also. I am glad we get a chance to renew our friendship.

Then last night Master came home with 2 dozen roses for me last night...roses in every color. One day a while back Master and I saw a bouquet similar to the one He bought me and He said buying something like that might confuse someone because they would not know what they feel - since each color of rose has a meaning. And I said that if they give all colors it means that the person means everything to them. So...I guess I mean everything to Master. :) It was such a surprise to get the roses....not like it was a special occasion...I guess I always get a little surprised when He does nice things for me. I am not sure if I think that I don't deserve it (which I am sure is part of the case) or I just have trouble when He does...not sure. But even though I do appreciate them...they are gorgeous! And I am a very lucky girl to have such a wonderful thoughtful Master!

I am wondering if I am alone in this thought or not...but Master will say something to me and I take it to heart. I believe it. And often even at times when I look back and think He was still comes to me as true. If anyone else were to say some of the things He says to me I would say yeah right or blow it off. But if Master says something I take it to heart...I take things so personally with Him. I am not explaining it well maybe it is something I can come back to at another time.

This week I have had the leather hood on 2 times. I know Master has enjoyed it a lot. And that makes me happy. I am able to breath in it so much easier since girlie fixed the holes in it. I am able to keep it on longer and longer each time I wear it. I also was able to wear it for the first time without panicking during sex. Because my breathing gets a little heavy and erratic so it makes it hard to breath out of it and I will at times panic. So last night Master fucked me with it on and I did not panic. :) It went really well and Master enjoyed fucking me with it on. I enjoyed being fucked by Master becuase I like being fucked during my period. I know it might sound a little odd but I love the way it feels. I did not have an orgasm but it felt so good. yummy!

I have added some new links on my favorite blogs: Grumble's who is girlie's Sir. I know them both in the real life. And then Fire Runner. I ran across her journal from the Cunning Linguists Journals site. I have enjoyed her journal for quite sometime and finally got around to writing her tonight to see if I could link to her. I enjoy her journal because she is real. She talks about everyday life things vanilla as well as kinky.

There is probably several others I should write to see if I can list them also. There is at least 5 other people I read at least once a week if not daily that are not listed.

Tonight I was wondering what makes people link to people...which made me think about what makes a person keep coming back to read a journal. I guess the main reason I read journals is either I know the people and love to see what is going on with them. Or if I have never met them I just feel them to be real...they talk about life...vanilla stuff as well as D/s or kinky stuff. Jane Duvall and Heather Corinna were my first experiences with online journals and really it was their journals that inspired me start mine.

I remember once when a few years ago there was this Dominant that was interested in me (before Master obviously). We chatted a few times and all he would ever talk about is BDSM and sex. And so I told him bye bye. He kept messaging me though and I kept kind of putting him off being chit chatty but not overly friendly. One day he was being overly annoying and I said I don't and won't ever want to be his - a little direct and probably a tad rude. And he came back with why wouldn't I want to be his....long story short I told him he only talked about BDSM and sex and I wanted the real deal...a whole package lol *blushing* And so he came back saying that he did not always need to talk about sex and bdsm and proceeded to ask me something vanilla. Two vanilla questions later he asked me what my favorite color was...and I said black and purple. I said that purple has been a favorite color since childhood. I used to wear purple all the time as a child. And he came back with well then when we go to have your nipples pierced you will wear purple hoops through them. He went on to describe the piercing - in very graphic, sexual and BDSM details. So he had about a whole 5 minutes of conversation without mentioning sex and BDSM. *rolls eyes* It was really annoying.

My point is I love sex and S&M and all that yummy stuff, but I like to read about real life too...what people are doing in their day - whether it is cooking, dealing with kids, work, watching tv, going to movies, talking about the last book they read or if it about emotional problems, ups and down in moods, moments of self discovery or whatever....I like the everyday life things.

And the reason I like those things because it makes it real. It means to me that it is a real person writing with real issues, real daily ins and outs of living life.

One to birthday's Master has written in His journal about birthday's....

To me on birthdays you should have some quiet time to embrace the movement of years, to look back on where you've been, and appreciate where you are... in your journey. To have some quiet time to honor the path you have taken because every turn - whether it seemed good or bad has led you to here and now. And that journey may not have been easy all the time so take some quiet time to realize just how amazing you are.

My Mom made birthday's very special for us (my sisters and myself). She celebrated that we were born and how that we should love life and be happy we are here on earth - and how happy she was to have us in her life. So she celebrated our lives on our birthdays. So I like to celebrate birthdays as they are special and meaningful to me. But that does not mean celebrating by having a party necessarily. I have loved birthday parties of the past but some of my favorite birthday's have been spent just with one other person...quiet dinner being with someone I love and care about. But still in celebration and that is what I mean by celebration. I want to acknowlege that that person whose birthday it special and loved - and that I care that they were born on that day. Whether it is through just a simple card or note saying Happy Birthday or a big is a celebration of life....and important special life that I am thankful to have in my life.

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