Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Life Update - Wax

Life Upate

This weekend was spent helping Master with a project for work. Not really helping actually just being with Him while He worked, which is better then not being with Him. He has been putting in lots of hours and it won't be slowing down until mid-september. Then besides work Master had lots of phone calls from His family needing help on computer stuff...which again is not a problem it just ate up a lot of time this weekend.

I spent time updating sites where I am the webmaster....umm webslave. And then looked over the final draft for September's essay and then also did October's while I was at it. So I am done for the newsletter for September and October. And November's is started woohoo me! Master had a couple entries on His journal that I asked if He would make into essays but they won't be needed until the first of the year so He has plenty of time to put them into a more formal essay instead of a journal entry.

Master did use me this weekend. I had one of those moments though I just was not into it. And Master did not spend much time getting me into it. So I just tried to please Him and move on. I actually did good at moving on this time and was just happy to be with Him. Next to Him.

We were suppose to have visitors coming through town today or tomorrow but they don't think they can stop now.


A week or so ago I wrote that Master bought some wax to do wax play.

I got a comment from someone that was burned by colored scented candles. And they have the scars from the burns. I am sorry she got burned so badly.

I thought I would at least throw out the information I know about candles. And let me make clear I am certainly not an expert on wax, but just someone who did some research on candles and wax. A previous Dominant I was involved with enjoyed it and I then helped him in teaching a class on wax play.

What I found is that the additives into the candle are what makes it burn hot. The coloring can burn hotter too, depending on the dyes used in the candles, but usually it is not the coloring that makes it burn hotter. One of the additives that I found in my research that burns hotter is the stearic powder that is added into making candles. Not all candles use it. I found that the white emergency candles that everyone says are good and safe, contain steraric powder most of the time. Of course most candles don't put an ingredient label on them so always play with care.

Candles will also burn hotter if left to burn longer. So if it pools up on the candle and remains near that flame being heated for a long time then that will of course be hotter wax then just letting it pool for a bit and then pouring. One drop being dripped directly from the candle can also be hotter then a pool because the flame has melted that drop just in that moment and so the heat from the flame seems to still be with the drop as it hits the skin. I have also heard that beeswax heats higher but I according to what I had found it was not much of a difference when lighting and then dripping farily quickly.

It is hard to test wax but just be aware of the risk of burning.

The kind of wax we got is the kind for skin and nail treatment. It is by GiGi for those Paraffin Spa Wax Baths. We use it in a crockpot, but of course a crock warms hotter then the spa baths so that is something that needs to be watched closely. I then found little metal ladles to use with it because they heat up nicely so that there is not as much of a wax build up that happens with plastic or wood ladles. We also have plastic table clothes and plastic throwaway drop clothes - both I found at the dollar store. I put a comforter down and pillows and then put the throw away drop cloth down and then add the plastic tablecloths over that so that it is nicer to lay on then the plastic drop cloth. After it has cooled it peels off of the person...it is almost stretchy because of the oils in it. So it does not harden quite like wax from a candle. The Gigi Wax has cocoa bean & soybean extracts in them to moisturize the skin. So it not only is fun to play with but good for the skin!

Sunday, August 29, 2004

"Teaching is only demonstrating that it is possible. Learning is making it possible for yourself." - Petrus said in Paulo Coelho's The Pilgrimage - page 163


Finding Love...

Congratulations Rooster and wolfgrrl!

Master and I hope that the love you have found in each other builds a beautiful life together!

Friday, August 27, 2004

The Drama

I used to have lots of dramas in my life. I even think at one point I thought I could not live without them, because I was so used to them. So, I know I created them. I am not proud of that but I worked very hard to get out of that vicious cycle. With Master life is very peaceful and calm. And I am very thankful.

Since being here I have had a few dramas spike up and both were from outside influences….people from my past trying to start dramas and then one elist I am on I have encountered 2 dramas. The last ending in Master ordering me to unsubscribe.

The Background

When I first started on the list, I read the posts and enjoyed them. At one point the list was growing (not a bad thing mind you), but I found that I was skipping more posts as there were little dramas spiking up and people whose writings I did not tend to like or learn anything from. Again not a problem either as every list is like that. But then just as so many interesting people were joining – a lot of attacking started going on by the “core group” (Something I will explain later). I then went to no mail and checked the elist online about once a week. I found that after many people that I enjoyed reading posts from left or stop posting that I did not have much in common with the people on the list. But I stayed for the few that were still there that I did enjoy reading (even though most of those people are on my favorite elist) and because a couple of friends on the list reminded me that I have things to offer people on the list. So every once in a great while I would pop up with a few posts and then go back to lurking.

Over time there were patterns to the group starting back when I was on individual emails. And over time I kept saying to myself why am I on this group. I would see person after person get attacked and nothing done to the person and I am not just talking about one person even though the person that attacked me does quite often attack others.

The group owner says to treat the elist like they are in his living room….hmmm I know Master would never allow people to attack and be disrespectful to guests in his living room. It is one thing to disagree with each other. That is fine. Healthy debate is fine, but attacking, accusing and being disrespectful is not okay.

I mentioned the “core group” a few times now. The core group is people that have formed friendships on the list. And I don’t find anything wrong with finding friends on elists or on the web. I have some very good friends from several elists. But our friendships don’t interfere with our personal opinions and beliefs. Meaning just because I disagree with someone they were friends with does not mean they would stop being my friend or attack me. But on this list that is exactly what has happened. You will see many times over when one person says, “hey no this not how it is for us” and if it goes against one of the “core group” members ideas, then one or more of the core group will start attacking, accusing and being very disrespectful. It happened often. And the archives will show it over and over again.

And each time it would happen I would again ask myself why am I here. Why do I stay with this list. And again it came down to the few people I did enjoy reading posts from and that maybe since I have been in the lifestyle so long and doing this M/s thing for so long I could offer others advice or help.

As I said there was one time I really enjoyed the elist, but to me it has gotten out of hand when a person can’t even post a simple question without being accused and attacked. Why have a public forum if you are only going to hear the opinions of your “friends” on the list. And it is not even like they want opinions….it is more like they want validation or acceptance. Why need that from someone else? The only person that needs to accept you…is you. And just because someone disagrees with another does not make their belief invalid. I believe judgement is clouded by the friendships on the list and by that need to be accepted.

The Experience

So here is what happened to me….

One night I was reading a thread and got to a post that I read SEVERAL times, but kept coming back to 2 lines. I kept coming back to those 2 lines because I did not think I was understanding them correctly. So I cut out those 2 lines of the post and then asked for clarification.

I started the post off that way too. I said: “May I ask for clarification on this please….” Insert 2 lines from email that I formed into a question… ending with….”Because that is how I interpreted the below statements.” It then had her 2 lines cut from the original post below that question.

I did not agree or even disagree with the 2 lines. I just wanted clarification. And right away, I got jumped on.

Now let me state if I would have left the WHOLE post in…I still would have asked the same question because every time I read the post I kept coming back to those 2 lines and trying to figure out what she meant. So, I just wanted clarification. That is it.

I got emails saying I chopped up her email and took it out of context. I didn’t. I took out the 2 lines I did not understand. I read it in context. And pulling those 2 lines out did not change the context of them. I did not feel the need to clutter the list with the whole email when I only had a question about those 2 lines.

She said that I took those 2 lines and made it seem like she said something she did not. Now as I have said even if I would have kept the whole email – I still had questions on those 2 lines because within the context of the email those 2 lines were the ones that confused me. And so I asked for clarification. I was then told that what “motivated” me to not do “fair play” by chopping her email up. To answer this once again….because I did not understand those 2 lines.

Although the emails to me were disrespectful, accusatory and attacking, I still remained polite. I had a few people ask me how I could remain so polite and believe me there were times I did not want to, but as always I kept in mind I am Master’s property and so I need to be a proper reflection. And Master and I both agreed that I should take the high road even though the other person was not. I even thanked her once when I could see that she was not going to understand my reasoning for cutting out those 2 lines. She and her boy went on to say I had done that to her before which I had not. I went through the archives to make sure, but I rarely reply to that person because I don’t relate to her posts. She does what I call D/s (my definitions of D/s). And I relate to M/s or absolute Owner/property relationships. I did find the someone she was confusing me with in the archives. Of course, that person never posted again after being attacked for “chopping” up this person’s post. But again, that happens often on the list – a person gets attacked and then never posts to the list again.

The End

Well Master would not stand by and watch me be attacked that way. He was outraged when I filled him on what was going on. He was not a member of the list at that time, so he had me write the owners. (Side note: He did join but felt something should be done right away so wanted me to write the owners while he waited to get his membership approved.) We waited patiently for the owners to do something about this. Because as I said I had seen this happen over and over again and the person being attacked just disappears and I felt it should stop. But nothing was done. Master had me unsubscribe from the list because he was upset about my treatment on the list and the lack of response from the owner of the list.

Master then received an email the other night from the party attacking me (it was cc'd to the owners also). The email was vicious, inconsistent, disrespectful and beyond. So Master took the email, went point by point, and sent it and his response to the list…yes to the list. And I understand all the reasons and to me He did the right thing – not that He needs my approval. I am thankful to Him for how wonderful He was during this - as I know it was a drama for Him as well and right now with all His workload. It was an unneeded stress. I am very grateful to my Master for defending my honor.

Anyway, I found out from a few people on the list that we would have been “deleted” from the group because of Master’s post. It was said, “showed total disrespect to another owner, in taking a private disagreement public.” Umm now how was this private when I am being attacked in post after post on the group. And all I did was ask a simple polite question. And also all my responses to the disrespectful, accusing, attacking posts were polite. Does that make sense?

Now it gets better….and this totally stumps me… According to the owner of the group, it is not okay to post an email sent to Master about the subject that has been on the board (that was his personal property after it was sent to him to do what he wished with). But it is okay to post copyrighted material without permission and also okay to post the first and last name, license plate number, make of car and screen name of a man that had supposedly abused a submissive without hearing his side of the story.

Now maybe that sounds okay to some people to post personal information of a person basically outing them…on a public forum, but for me when you only have one side of the story that is wrong. Also, the story had a few holes in it...that left lots to be questioned. What made it even more of an issue to me is I know the person and I know him well enough to know there was way MORE to the story.

So again, it is okay to post personal information on the group outing him and also where he is not able to give his side of the story. And it is okay to post-copyrighted material. But not okay to post something that has been an on going issue on that group. Hmmm something wrong with that picture.

And I am sure they did not even get that everything I have stated in posts to them is true and showing it even now. Because I was also told that all the post of that were “supporting” the other person in this were again all the “core group.” Don’t they see that it is they make people scared to post. They make people feel like they are outsiders.

And that leads me to why I am so angry and disappointed….

It is not due to the person who attacked me when I asked my simple polite question. I think she is rude, vicious and so much more. After reading her email to Master, it was very obvious she is a person who is never going to “get it.”

She angered me. But I got over it because in the grand scheme of life she is someone who does not matter - she will always be like this.

The person I am most disappointed and angry at is the owner of list for not getting it. For not getting that they make so many people feel like outsiders and scare them from posting because of the continual pattern of disrespectful, accusatory, attacking behavior.

Imagine you are in the living room of the host….and someone constantly goes around being rude to all the guests it happens over and over and finally she slaps your slave (or if you are a slave she slaps you) what would you do? Would you allow that kind of behavior? Because clearly that email she sent Master was more then a slap in the face to Him and myself. And so our host allowed a guest to be slapped. And then tells the guests in his living room that Master and I would be thrown out for being attacked and being slapped. Do you see something wrong with this picture?

Master did what he had to defend his property’s honor. And I am very thankful I have a Master who has integrity and honor to stand up and do what is right.

Thursday, August 26, 2004


Just a quickie...

These fit way to well - scary is that all the ones from BeliefNet this week have been on it in regards to the drama.

Horoscope from BeliefNet.com: LIBRA (Sep 23-Oct 22): Disruptions to your daily routine may not be the worst thing for you at this time. Even if you are trying to maintain stability at home or in your relationship with your parents, tensions keep finding their way to the surface. This isn't a brand new issue, for the process may have started a week or so ago. Don't fight what is coming up. Awareness is necessary for the changes to happen later on.

Horoscope from Free Will Astrology: Creativity expert Roger von Oech takes issue with the old saw that a chain is no stronger than its weakest links. He thinks they're indispensable. "Many systems have weak links designed into them," he says. They're called 'fuses.' When a system gets overloaded, the fuse blows and saves the rest of the system." Judging from the astrological omens, Libra, I'm pretty sure you'll soon get to play the role of a fuse yourself. Whatever group or structure you're part of needs to break down for the sake of its long-term health--and you're the best candidate to lead the way.

I meditated last night after my post to my blog. And what came to me is I need to release the anger, hurt and disappointment so there will be a post to let it all out probably tomorrow. And then later after I post it I will do a cleansing ritual to release all the negativity that is left. I have only done it 2 times before so you see how much this is online drama is affecting me. ugghhh

I also want to thank everyone that has wrote me last night and today. I really appreciate the understanding and friendships.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

A Break...

I am thinking of taking a blogging break....it might be a day or week. I am not sure at the moment....

There has been some online elist dramas that have gone beyond words. I don't like dramas. I had a lot of them in my past and worked hard to get out of that pattern. And when online dramas seep into my real life something is SERIOUSLY wrong. Because it is just a discussion list. And right now I am so filled with anger and disappointment that I don't think I could write anything nice. And I have been being really nice. I am human I can only take so much crap.

Thanks to everyone that wrote me today about it. I appreciate it. I will be answering emails and who knows after I sleep on it - I might feel differently then I do now.

Monday, August 23, 2004

Honesty with myself...

From Kindlings: "Our lives improve only when we take chances - and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves." -Walter Anderson

Do you believe people in general are honest with themselves? Is this something you strive for?

I don’t feel people in general are honest with themselves. I think it is easy for us to lie to ourselves. I think we are almost encouraged to hide from ourselves.

I remember growing up we never actually told people how we felt in our family. When someone asked how you were….”Oh I am good.” Or I am fine. Never I am really having a hard time of it.

I know I got an early start of hiding feelings….because of some things that happened in my childhood. Easier to pretend it did not happen then face it. So, I think I got very good at hiding them.

Later it still hung with me…I remember one time…the pressure of school really was getting to me. I was sitting in my room crying. My Mom walked in and said what are you crying for….I said I can’t handle it anymore. And she handed me the clothes she had came in with and said oh don’t be silly and walked out. It was never talked about. So, to me it was encouraged to not express them and to me lie about them. Lie to myself and to others about how I was feeling.

The quote that starts this entry says...talks about the risk in being honest but also that our lives will improve with taking a chance...

And that is true. I know that my life....has improved when I became more honest with myself.

I try extremely hard to be very true to myself and stay firmly planted in reality now. And it is actually one reason I started my blogger. For me it, at the time I started it, I was going through a lot emotionally, mentally and even physically. I was trying to deny it was there. So, I thought if it is out there on the web, then I can’t hide anymore because then EVERYONE will know. And so I started the blogger to help myself be more honest with myself.

And it worked. I have been more honest with myself….then I ever have…have I still lied to myself? Yes, but as I said I try extremely hard to be true to myself and stay firmly planted in reality now and it happens less and less.

Thunder, Perfect Mind

I am the first and the last.
I am the honored one and the scorned one.
I am the whore and the holy one.
I am the wife and the virgin.
I am the mother and the daughter. . . .
I am she whose wedding is great,
And I have not taken a husband. . . .
I am shameless;
I am ashamed. . . .
I am godless,
And I am one whose God is great.

Thunder, Perfect Mind
Gnostic Poem
(A, p. 55-6)

Sunday, August 22, 2004

Pink Ribbon

3M Corporation is building the "Worlds Largest Pink Ribbon" on a billboard in Times Square this October. For every person who clicks on this link and signs up, Post-It will donate $1 to Breast Cancer Research and place a Post-It in their name on the billboard.

They just ask for a name and city, state.

So please support Breast Cancer Research

Saturday, August 21, 2004

The Banana....

Okay as I started writing this entry earlier this afternoon....I did it with lipstick smeared across my mouth as I just gave Master a blowjob before He took a little nap.

Today has been a very nice day....

This morning I was woke up with Master holding a banana in one hand and the other hand grabbing my hair and bring my head back. His knee going between my legs making me hump His knee...while He acted like eating a banana and doing what He was to me was so everyday for us. But it was a very nice way to wake up.

After Master finished His banana, He got the blindfold (a new one he got at CJ's) and put it on me. He pulled my hair, did some light breath play, called me a slut, then told me to show him how slutty I was right in that moment. I so enjoy being used by Master. And in that moment that slut was right there...eagerly sucking her Master's cock. Soon Master had His hand in my hair pulling me off so that He could put me in position to fuck me. He just roughly pulled me into place and shoved into me.

This morning was He was talking....more then he has in while. I mean calling me names - whore, slut, cunt with adjectives before them to further describe my status with Him. It was oh so hot! I know I was moaning quite loudly during all of this and then found the window was open. After that we laid in bed talking and cuddling all the while I wore the blindfold still. I needed to "piss" and so Master told me to find my way to the bathroom - with the blindfold still in place. After that we laid talking bodies pressed together. I felt like I wanted to get as close as possible to Him. It was so good to feel His skin next to mine.

Before getting into the shower Master did a quick spanking. One of those playing the drums on my round soft bottom. It was very yummy. It was fast and hard and I had a little orgasm with it.

We then took one of our ritual showers. We had not done that in a very long time. It puts me in a very good place - makes me feel my position to Him more.

Here is a description of the shower:
I sit on the floor of the shower. I feel the water spray off and it ends up feeling cold even though it is warm water hitting Him.  He washes the upper part of Himself while I sit there being mostly ignored. The suds and water just keep falling on me. When I try to look up, I get big blobs of suds in my face and He will at times look down at me and laugh.  He eventually pisses on me. I am told or forced to drink some at times. Not all of it yet, but I know someday I will get up to taking all His piss. He pisses on me and then He continues on with His shower.  He then nudges me with his foot - kicking me at times to get my attention because I am getting fuzzy from the experience.  He hands me the cloth and the soap to wash his lower body. Sometimes it gets sexual and He shoves His cock into my mouth making fun of me as I gasp because of choking on His cock and the water pouring down on my face. I sit by the drain in the shower and all the dirty water comes pouring down on to me…it is a very intense experience. Some of my hair matted down to my face, mascara running down my cheeks, the smell of His soap and His piss covering my body. As I said I become very fuzzy…I feel lowered, dirty, used and just very much like nothing. Very hot and yummy also. After He is done then I take my shower. I am all fuzzy and out of it and it is very strange surreal experience. I almost can't stand because it just gets me in this mindset that makes me feel used and like an object.  I love it though…it starts the day out with knowing my place…re-enforcing my place. And oddly enough I feel very proud to be Master's slave.

The shower itself is feels like a ritual. It really re-enforces who I am.  Those are not exactly the words I am searching for, but as close as I can get to it. I just know it helps our dynamic in positive ways.

After the shower we went to grab some breakfast before heading out for some shopping. We are putting a care package together for one of Master's family members. In searching things for her, we found all sorts of odds and ends for us of course.

Just a few things Master bought:

  • manic panic hot hot pink (more like a magenta) hair dye for me. Master liked the hot hot pink, but offered the purple but really the shade of purple was not the purple I had in mind and really liked the hot hot pink.

  • Wax for wax play. I had a crock dedicated to wax when I moved in with Him. We have not done wax play yet so it will be fun to play with it. When I first started doing wax they only carried peach and eucalyptus. Now they have lavender, mango, and sweet vanilla besides the other scents. So we are going to try sweet vanilla. It was a pretty good price also $2.99.

  • Master ended up getting some blue temp dye for when He spikes His hair.

  • Gold liquid eyeliner because Master likes gold makeup and I am of course a makeup whore

  • We had lots of fun going from one shop to the next. We also went to Petsmart to get the kitty cats nip and other treats...which both kitty cats loved the nip but one of the new treats that we got them golden boy tried to bury and little girl sniffed and backed away. They were funny with the treats. But they are so darn cute.

    This afternoon Master said He was going to take a nap, but first He wanted a blowjob. After a bit He had me go put some lipstick on and then give Him one. So the lipstick not only smeared down His cock but all over my mouth. So when I started the entry I had it smeared around my mouth. Shortly after Master's nap, I then made pizza. I am going to need a different whole wheat pizza dough recipe though because it was too umm bready. It tasted like we had pizza on a piece of whole wheat bread instead of pizza dough. Master said it was good and very good for a first attempt at whole wheat crust. After dinner we watched a movie....Max. It was very interesting to me as one of the little characters in the movie was George Grosz. He is a German Expressionist that I did an art history paper on in college. He has a painting named the 7 Deadly Sins and that was really the focus of the paper, but I also had to do background research on Grosz.

    There is painting in the movie that supposedly Max Rothman (a fictional character) did, but I know it is actual painting by someone else and unfortunately I can't figure out who at the moment. It will probably drive me crazy for a few days. It kind of a cross between Wassily Kandinsky and Robert Delaunay.

    Right now I am watching Master's favorite movie (said with tongue in cheek and heavy sarcasm) Steel Magnolis.

    It has been a very nice, fun, relaxing weekend.

    Quick Life Update

    I have an offline blogger program that I use and just leave open most of the time. Of course I had a big long post started - but when I opened it tonight it was GONE. Uggghhh I hate that! I know I should have saved it!

    Life Update....a longer post coming during the weekend.

    I feel like this week has gone really fast and that I have been busy. But really I can't pinpoint lots of things I have done besides my usual routine. Though yesterday I did some work on our website. Updating a few pages that I had neglected. I still have work to do on the site to have it completely finished. Including adding some of my art work (which will probably be the last thing I do on it). Today was a hard day. But it is better now....especially after making chocolate milkshakes with yummy triple chocolate ice cream (even sugar-free). Tomorrow I am going to attempt to make whole wheat pizza crust. So that we can have pizza, something we both have been craving.

    As I said I have been updating our website and one part that I am updating is a section for some favorite journal entries. So I have been reading my archives. It has been very strange. It is bring up lots of feelings associated with those times - such as anger.

    This weekend I need to work on....
  • Finish Part 3 for September's newsletter

  • Continue working on a website that I am doing for trade

  • Write emails to our new friends in Denver, a wonderful friend that sent me a long email yesterday that I appreciated, I need to write DM about a few things, and I am sure I am forgetting a few that I will look through my inbox

  • Laundry (something I try to avoid on weekends but Master was home today so threw my schedule off some - though I would not want Him to be at work)
    Continue to work on our website

  • longer post for blogger

  • By the way when we were in Denver we saw Hidalgo and Cold Mountain. I LOVED Hidalgo! It was a really good movie. Cold Mountain was good but not as good as Hidalgo to me.

    Hidalgo had wonderful scenery, adventure, multi-culturalism, costumes, humor, and just so much more. It is based on a true story. I heard that Viggo Mortensen who played the lead in it...ended up buying one of the horses that played Hidalgo (they had several horses that played Hidalgo).

    Well Master is tired so I need to finish this up and get to bed with Him.

    Wednesday, August 18, 2004

    Because she is a special wench and has a birthday this week....

    Girlie, I hope that you have wonderful week of Birthday Celebrations!

    Tuesday, August 17, 2004

    Quote from Mindfulness with Breathing

    If we train our breathing, we can control our emotions—that is, we can cope with the happiness and pain in our lives. We should practice until we feel this; our practice is not complete until we can see this clearly.

    -Buddhadasa Bhikkhu, "Mindfulness with Breathing"

    Monday, August 16, 2004

    Life Update & Ads/Profile

    Well as usual when we come back from traveling...I am feeling drained. I hate it when you feel like you need a vacation after having a few days away. It seems like allergy season is kicking into high gear already - I am having itchy eyes and nose. But I am taking the Claritin D (off brand of course) and it is doing great.

    Not to long ago I changed my profile on bondage.com and then also added one at collarme.com - so that maybe Master and I could find some similar minded people in our area to socialize with, but of course so far we are not finding any one responding that is in our area. As I have said before there are no BDSM groups here, so it is hard to find like-minded folks in the area.

    I did get a very nice response yesterday from someone complimenting Master and I on our website even though she was not in our area. But it was very nice that she took the time to tell us her thoughts on our website. We always appreciate feedback on it.

    The rest of the responses really have been from people who of course are not READING the profile/ad. One was a long drawn out email from a man that told me all he was looking for in a female or couple. It was actually a good email – in that it was complete in his experience and what he was looking for, but he wasted a lot of time on writing me because my profile did not match at all what he was looking for...so why waste that time? This is what my profile states on that site:

    "I am a happily owned slave. Master and I are a lifestyle minded couple living life within reality. We are looking to make like minded friends in the area with the possibilities of starting a munch or group."

    Now where in there does it state Master and I want to own a male? But as I said it was a good email and much better then the last email I got today. It was in all caps. Using U for you. And not asking, but telling me to send my messenger id (which by the way is on the profile).

    My first thought because subject line said: MASTER - is that the guy wants to be my Master. So, I check my profile first to make sure I do have it clearly stated that I am owned. Next, I think okay maybe he just uses that as standard subject line. And so I decide I will give this guy the benefit of the doubt maybe he was in our area and wanted to chat via messenger because he was more comfortable. I then looked at his profile....he is in Italy. That is a little far from the Western Slope of Colorado.

    I decided to give the man a few pointers about responding to ads. I told him to not abbreviate U for you or anything like that. I also stated he should use complete correctly spelled sentences. And then I advised him to read the whole profile to see if the person is compatible with him before responding. And then wished him good luck on his search.

    I remember when I had ads there - before I became Master's - I received similar emails that obviously did not read the profile/ad. I don't get why they don't take that time. It is like they do a scan of who is on and just send an email. But I guess for those who are serious it is easier to weed out those types. Because to me if they were serious I guess I think they would take more time to respond.

    But of course, those that do write out well thought out responses also can be not serious - Todd coming to mind. His first email said all the right things – seemed extremely serious and not the "I'M DOM YOU SLAVE - SUBMIT NOW" type.

    I am really glad I am not out there looking anymore. I am glad Master captured me and made me HIS.

    Speaking of Master…
    He has been very busy with work. They have an annual meeting thing that everyone is working hard on. Until the meeting is done, I am sure I will not be receiving much of His attention. We have been busy with several things this summer, so I feel I have not had much of his attention. And although I know I am 200% better then I ever was with other Dominants regarding attention. I still have a hard time of it. I am not even meaning S&M either. I am just meaning talking, touching and that kind of intimacy and closeness. Anyway, I will be looking forward to the annual meeting being out of the way.

    Okay one last thing before I need to send out the rest of my pictures and such...

    I want everyone who is in the Detroit area to go to the Fetish Temple website. L'Varado puts on some great parties and if you are in the area, you should check them out! There is information and a mailing list on the website.

    Saturday, August 14, 2004


    Just a quickie...

    We are HOME! Yeah Yeah Yeah!

    I love to travel, but I love that feeling of getting home...that ahhh. That is how it felt today.


    It was a short trip!
    Did not gain weight even though I had lots of yummy foods!
    Got in a quick visit to CJ's before we left town today!

    Anyway, I am sure I will do a longer blog tomorrow.

    Wednesday, August 11, 2004

    Life Update

    Topics: Going out of town, Topics, Past, Life
    Mood: Happy
    Music: Matchbox 20

    Well you will not hear from me for a few days….we are going to Denver again. We leave tonight. And will be leaving to head back over here Saturday morning. It will just be a quick visit.

    I am looking forward to our visit after this one, as I have been emailing with a woman who is in a M/s relationship and we have lots of other things in common. They live near Denver. We can’t get together with her and her Master this time, but next time we for sure are going to make time to get together for dinner with them. I am looking forward to that.

    I have so many things of course that I want to write about and I just don’t have the time. I have thoughts scattered here and there about poly, online verse real life, predators and some things in my past which is linked to the last 2 topics (and which now I feel needs to be written about even more after the surprise IM I got last night).

    It is so strange to look back in my archives and see who I was…not that I am not the same person, but so many of my outlooks have changed. As I look back at entries from August 2001, I see several conversations with DM. Her and I had some deep – intense conversations and some of how I think and feel about the subjects has changed. I wonder if they have for her now that she owns someone 24/7? Being with each other 24/7 changes the D/s in a relationship so much, in my opinion. Not a bad thing. But those who want to be naked 24/7 (raising hand and waving it wildly) – well I hate to say it but it can’t always be possible (even though I have been naked all day). I do not know many couples that life like - but Frank and Lisa probably come the closest. I know many that envy them (raising hand and waving it wildly). But even Frank and Lisa have real life stuff around their house.

    We all have laundry to fold, kitchens to clean,floors to mop – it is life. Some of what I will touch on in the online verses real life is – when you turn the computer on that is your total focus. So if you are “serving” online you can just focus on that, but when you are real life and serving….there are always other things that can come in and take that focus away….like laundry, bills, toilets overflowing (putting that in for you Starla), yard work and so on.

    But I would not trade serving Master real life 24/7 for anything.

    So of course, I am very glad that Master found me and claimed me as His. This reminds me….there was a question on a list recently about what made you take your breath away in regards to your D/s relationship…

    And the one thing that instantly came to mind before anything else was how Master collared me. Because to me….He really did capture me….claim me. And it was ownership. He did not ask He just did it. And that took my breath away.

    I am a lucky slave girl.

    Tuesday, August 10, 2004

    Alfredo Sauce

    Okay so last night I made Alfredo Sauce…

    But I made it a little different last night…low fat. And it still tasted very good.

    Here is the original recipe:
    1 pint of Heavy Cream
    1 stick of butter
    2 tbsp. Cream cheese
    ½ - ¾ cup Parmesan cheese
    1 tsp. garlic powder
    1 tsp. basil

    Here is my revised version:
    1 pint of fat free half & half
    2 tbsp. Fleishman Butter that does not have trans fat and uses olive oil
    3 tbsp. fat free cream cheese
    ½ - ¾ cup Parmesan cheese
    1 tsp. basil
    And I always add more garlic but I never measure

    In a saucepan combine, half & half, butter, and cream cheese. Simmer this until it is all melted and mixed well. Add Parmesan cheese, basil and garlic powder. Simmer for 15 to 20 minutes on low.

    I then add cooked chopped chicken and serve over pasta. We had whole-wheat pasta and it was yummy!

    Monday, August 09, 2004

    "real" submissive?

    Okay so in wandering around the World Wide Web yesterday afternoon…

    I stumbled on to a thread on a forum. It was talking about being “real” submissives. And according to what was “real” on the thread – it was all the stuff submissives do that is unsubmissive towards your Dominant. That if you did unsubmissive things - ranted and raved that you were being real submissives.

    Now I know we all have bad days and I snap at Master. I snapped at Him yesterday in fact shortly after I read this thread….not good. But as I read the thread I was horrified that some women actually did the things they did and not only as submissives, but just as partners in a relationship.

    They threw things at their Dominant, did things to the Dominants possessions – books, clothing, cars, homes and so on. The things they said were more tame to me then the things they did.

    But just in a basic vanilla general relationship, I can’t imagine doing the things that were done just because I am mad. I get angry with Master, but there is no way I would do those things even if we were vanilla. I know that in our M/s relationship those things would make me suffer extremely bad consequences and/or end with me being released if that was an ongoing behavior.

    I think if I was doing those things and in a M/s relationship or actually knew someone that was doing those things, I would seriously be considering if M/s was the right direction to be heading. Because I find those things going over a line that you just don’t go as someone who is desiring to submit, serve and surrender.

    Again, I say – we all have bad days. I have snapped at Master more then a few times. But if I were to ever go and even try to destroy His possessions – would be sending me a huge sign that there is something seriously wrong in our relationship. And that I am not cut out for M/s.

    I would really be curious to know how those that do those things define submissive.

    I don’t feel that doing those things makes a person a real submissive. I actually think it makes them probably the furthest thing from a submissive.

    Friday, August 06, 2004

    Life Update

    Well I thought I would do a life update since I have not done one of those in a while....

    When setting my mood lately a lot of the time they have said ill or sick. Because after Master and I came home from Denver....July 26. I got sick that evening and continued not to feel well for a week. I was struck with stomach flu, then migraines and then flu like symptoms.

    So it just felt like I have not had any time to do anything lately because with being out of town for Thunder then back to Denver for Master's sister wedding and then back here to be sick....I was feeling a little down and overwhelmed. But yesterday thankfully I was feeling good and I really kicked it into high gear and did that deep down nitty gritty cleaning even on top of everything that was stacked around from not doing much for a couple of weeks. It felt really nice to have the house clean. I still have stuff to do but the majority of it is out of the way.

    Next week though again we will be going out of town for 3 to 4 days. Master did give me the option to stay home - But I want to go with Him because I don't want to be without Him for 3 days. But at the same time just the thought of traveling again makes me cringe. And then one more reason I don't want to go...and it is not that I don't like Master's parents I do...really they are great. But with Him working during the day - means I spend all day - usually 2 days - alone with them and it gets a little tiring and draining. Not sure that makes any sense. But I usually come home from visiting them and feel just so emotionally drained and physically tired.

    Master did say that when we go back to Denver we are stopping into CJ's Leather. CJ (assuming who we were talking at Thunder was CJ) was so nice that even if we don't find anything or get anything this time - if he is there to chat with - it will have been very well worth the trip there.

    Here are few Anais Nin quotes...

    "I write emotional algebra."

    "We write to taste life twice, in the moment, and in retrospection."

    Wednesday, August 04, 2004

    Love in M/s Ramble

    A few weeks ago, there was an online discussion about Love & M/s relationships….

    Here is something I said during that discussion….I realized I wanted love, but I also think love would have come with Master and I think that it would have because of the surrender.... and service. It is so deeply intertwined…the love, service and surrender.

    Okay so what does that mean to me? I will get to it in end of this little ramble… and this will a ramble...just typing off the top of my head not really giving it a lot of indepth thought...

    First, let me say I am talking about “romantic” love – for a lack of a better word. I am not meaning hearts and flowers romance - even though that can be involved. But I am meaning love between persons involved in a relationship that it is deeply intimate. There are different levels of love to me or different degrees of love – to me (again level and degree used for lack of better word). I love Jackie and Honey. But it is different then the love I feel for Master and even more so different then the love I have for Moni. But I love all of them.

    I did not love Don (first M/s relationship) and until his drinking and gambling, it worked for us. And then I was owned by someone else that I did not love as he loved me. And that was always hard. I also feel it hindered our M/s relationship.

    I do not feel “romantic” love is necessary for a healthy M/s relationship but I would hope there is a deep connection involved and a level of love or caring. But I have always wanted love in my M/s relationships although I never really expected it to happen. But to be in a long-term relationship I hoped to have love involved in it.

    To me I guess being a slave came before love in my list of wants and desire. I knew love was not necessarily a part of all M/s relationships, so I was open to the possibility that I would not love my Owner or be loved by him.

    I know that some feel that they don’t deserve love, but I have always felt I deserved it. But as I said being a slave was more important to me then love.

    Then along came Master and although I wanted love, I did not know if it would happen. I knew I wanted to serve him. I knew he could control me. I knew it felt different then it had before but again I think that is because Master and I got to know so much of each other by talking about everything under the sun. So, there was a deeper connection right away from that getting to know each other.

    Because of who he is though and how I serve and surrender to him, I think love for him was inevitable. The service and surrender are so intertwined with the love now. There is rightness to it. It feels complete - the service.

    I am not saying we have gone to all the places we can in our M/s relationship that is far from it….I know there will be hard times and struggles…bumps but…

    Because of all 3 intertwined there is no place He can lead me that I don’t have faith that we can get through. And I have never had that in a M/s relationship before.

    Tuesday, August 03, 2004

    The Big Meeting!

    I had a person ask how Master and I met…

    So, here it is…

    I have a group of friends that I met through a BDSM group in Kansas. I lived in Kansas before I moved to Ohio.

    Master met a woman through bondage.com that was one of my friends from the group in Kansas. They did the long distant thing for a while and then decided that they were not right for each other. They remained friends and she told Master that He needed someone like me and suggested that He contact me.

    Well He held off and then found my ad on bondage.com that also linked to my journal. So for a few months He read my journal. At that time, I was thinking of pursuing a relationship with another friend and her Master back in Kansas. But then it did not work out. So Master took the opportunity to drop me an email on b.com after things were broke off from the couple. Right away, His email caught my attention because He seemed so real. He did not do the what makes you hot line or really ask any bdsm questions at all. He just told a little about Himself.

    He caught my attention and so I wrote Him back right away. I actually was at Katrina's when I read His email - I had signed on b.com to show her something and saw I had mail. I had just got in from Detriot and called her on my way to Bill and Lisa's to see if she had some time to talk.

    Strange how I remember the vary moment I read His email huh?

    We then started emailing and chatting online. He told me in that first email that we had mutual friends and associations (as He met lots of my friends from the Kansas group) in His first email, but for some reason I did not catch that right away because it was the rest of the email that got me.

    So, it was about a week later when I figured it out and so I asked Him about it. And He then told me of the friend that told Him He should email me.

    Master and I emailed, did online chat and also talking on the phone for several months before I went to visit Him. When I visited Him, it was important to both of us that we have a larger amount of time then a weekend to see how things worked. We wanted day in day out kind of time - so we arranged for me to be here a month. I then went back to Ohio for 3 months before packing things in my car and coming to Colorado. It was then several months after that Master and I headed to Ohio to get the rest of my things. So I was officially moved here in September 2003. So, it was almost a year of us knowing each other before I was here officially.

    How Master collared me though was probably not the most conventional way….and we don't advocate it...but it worked for us.

    Before I visited Master and I talked philosophies on collaring and we talked about people doing consideration and training collars. And He actually had some views about consideration collars - that by the end of the conversation I figured that when the time came He would be offering me a consideration collar, but nothing like that happened.

    What did happen was that Master and I pretty much felt before we even met that we were right for each other. Various things told us that - mostly it was just the getting to know each other in way that we did not maybe do in past relationships.

    In ways we rushed and other ways we took our time. I knew things about Master before I visited that in past real time relationships I never knew.

    Master collared me…

    Just collared me. He did not ask me. He did not say anything. He just pulled a chain & a padlock out of his pocket, placed it around my neck, and locked it. He brought me to him and kissed me.

    And I was His property.

    And I hope to be for a VERY long time!

    So that is it...that is how we met and I am truly thankful to our friend for telling Master to contact me. Because I am very lucky to be His slave!


    I'm danae. I'm a survivor of sexual violence.
    No Pity. No Shame. No Silence.

    Read More

    Thunder Part 3 - Day Two of Seminars

    First Seminar….

    "There is Power in the Blood - Cutting as a Part of a Ritual, Ceremony and Spirituality in M/s and D/s Relationships" by Master Jim and slave marsha

    Before I move on to more about the actual seminar, I want to share this little story…I am not sure when it was exactly if it was at SMART Fest 2002 or OLF 2002, but Master Jim and slave marsha spoke at one of them. I could not attend, but every time I saw BDSM friends after that I had almost all of them tell me that they wished I could have seen Master Jim and slave marsha. They would tell me that they kept thinking of me as they heard them speak and felt I would have really enjoyed hearing them. Almost all of them told me that Master Jim and slave marsha had similar beliefs in M/s that I did.

    Since then, I have not had a chance really to see them, until this year. And after just hearing them at this one class I wish I could just sit down and listen to them all day. They are incredible people and speakers and I am so very grateful to have witnessed the ritual and ceremony they did for Thunder.

    This seminar touched me the most. Master and I do not do cuttings. Just something He isn't interested in and to tell you the truth I am not either. But the ritual, the ceremony and the sprituality involved in them we understand and know. As I said we are not into cutting, but it was Master Jim and slave marsha not the cutting that really touched me. The ritual - their words to each other - their interaction with each other is truly incredible. I have always enjoyed their blog and forum and now to have heard them speak in person was truly an honor.

    Master was not feeling well but wanted me to attend so he went with me but had to leave and then came back towards the end. I wished I could have experience more of it with him but I also totally understood that he was not feeling well and was very grateful to Him that He allowed me to attend without Him.

    It was such an intense awesome experience…

    When I walked into the room they were holding it, I felt little prickles of energy flowing over my body. I pushed it away as that makes me uncomfortable at times (because I deny often that I even feel things such as that) and since Master was not feeling well, I was a little on edge anyway. We sat down and after 5 minutes of being there - and the seminar not even starting yet - I was crying.

    Someone should have told me I would need a box of kleenex!

    I am really not going to get into the ritual itself because I guess part of me feels it was personal even though it was done at this event and in this public setting.

    Before they started the ceremony though they just kind of told thoughts of what they were going to do and they went over just some basics on cutting. They said specifically that they would go over just "some basics on cutting, but that this was not a cutting class." So before they started the ceremony they asked if people had questions about it. So, what kind of questions did they get? Cutting questions. It annoyed me because the people were not getting this was a more about ceremony and ritual then cutting. Yes the cutting is PART of the ritual but the class was not on cutting but on the ceremony and ritual with a cutting as a part of it.

    Master Jim said that this topic they offer is on the list of classes they do, but that it does not get chosen very often but that when it has - it has come at a time they have needed this type of ritual. So this one was brought to them for a reason. At the time, it was chosen they were not sure of the reason but as time went on, they understood why it came about.

    I think something that I made a big impression on me…is that they don't just talk about a subject they live it. Technique classes are great….as I said I really loved Jason Ryan's Bondage class (and duct tape to come below). But D/s and M/s classes about topics such as obedience, protocol, ritual, ceremony and just living day to day in an M/s - those are really hard to express and lead as a class. Because the play stuff we all can do…we all can learn. But the just living of daily life is hard at times!

    So, to me they didn't just talk on this subject they lived it right there for all of us to see….and I am sure this is how they hold all of their seminars. They touch on such everyday issues in M/s relationships…problems, fears, and bumps that we all encounter to various degrees. And they put it out there to share how they deal with these things.

    I keep coming to tears as I write this because it was such a wonderful experience.

    This spiritual ritual and ceremony was opened up to us at Thunder and I can't even find words for it. I am very grateful for the opportunity to witness it and be a part of it.

    The ceremony was for slave marsha to let go of some fears. She read them out loud to us. She was so brave to do this in front of us all…exposing herself…I am sure it makes you feel very vulnerable. And not only did she read these fears, but also Master Jim owned up to failures on the fears she read to us. Basically saying he failed her. I can think of a handful of Dominants I know who admit when they were failing their slave and then to do it publicly….wow. That was very brave of him to admit.

    He not only did that but then told her that he understood her fears but that he dispelled them and told her that he will help her with these fears. It was not something she was going to have to go alone and solve and fix or get over. But that he was her Master and would help her let them go.

    I cried and cried….

    I could relate to slave marsha. I have had fears she expressed but not for the same reasons. And she put them all out there to us.

    After she read them, they did the rest of the ritual with the cutting. And I was an emotional mess. And so totally touched. I felt so many emotions..but as I said I was a mess. But of course, there were friends of DM's sitting in front of us and so I felt I needed to grab the opportunity to introduce myself at the end of the ceremony. I did so very quickly and not even sure what I said to them. Soon after Master felt it was time to head me out of there to pull myself together for the next class.

    So again….I am very grateful to have been a part of the experience and thank my Master for allowing me to attend and of course thank Master Jim and slave marsha for opening themselves up and living life right there for all of us at Thunder.

    Second Seminar…

    Well we were going to go to one. We actually went and I am sorry to say she annoyed me before she even got the class started. And Master kept asking me if I was okay after Master Jim and slave marasha's class and I was holding it together but with the woman annoying me I told Master and so he said lets go. We headed to our hotel room for a quick nap. Which I am sure I needed after my emotional time.

    Third Seminar….

    "Duct Tape - Sticking it to your sub" by Jason Ryan

    As I stated before, I really enjoyed his bondage class. And well this one was even better. He was clear to hear and see. He explained things well and he also gave great suggestions and ideas. I could see all the little light bulbs going off in Master's head, as Jason would tell some little tips.

    Master enjoys duct tape and has wanted to do more bondage with it but he did not want to be pulling off skin with it. And using saran will make a person sweat and get more hot. So, he wanted alternative ways. And Jason solved that problem right away.

    Athletic Pre-Wrap. It is not like what you wrap your ankle in if you sprain it. This is the pre-wrap. They said you could get at sporting good stores. We have not got it yet. I know it is on the list though. Probably that and some PVC pipe from Home Depot.

    So just a few tips we learned:

  • Make sure that the person does not have latex allergies

  • Of course, I already mentioned the pre-wrap. He said you could apply tape directly but it will pull on skin and injure so to make it less sticky by sticking it to clothing and ripping off a few times before applying to skin directly.

  • Expensive Duct Tape better because you don't have to cut it - it rips nicer

  • Vet Wrap - Compresses and Duct tape does not.

  • The more you layer the more strong the coating but also more layers the more heat trapped in.

  • Clean off duct tape residue with soap and water or a little baby oil. He also suggested that a person put on a little lotion before doing duct tape even when doing the wrap just in case any touches the skin with the lotion on first it makes it not stick so much and easier to come off.

  • If doing a cocoon of duct tape use 3 feet pieces and do one of the front and then one of the back in the same place. Because as you wrap - the wrap will twist on the body and at times twist the skin and flesh beneath it. So doing one on the front and then the back it helps balance it out and helps so that won't happen.

  • Store Duct tape in zip lock bags because if you leave it in with floggers or other materials the edge of the duct tape become coated

  • He did a hood and mittens. He did the mittens first. He had her form a fist around a little piece of PVC piping (not a tight fist) and not only was that for circulation and so that her nails were not digging into her hands as he wrapped but he also did a little bondage trick with it afterwards. After he had her hands all wrapped he slipped rope through the pipe. Of course, it is not stable enough to hold for suspension but like being tied down spread eagle on the bed….yum!

    The hood he pre-wrapped her head and then her pony tail so that no stray hair got caught while taping. He did a little trick for the hood - I am not sure I can explain it properly but it was so clever because it allowed you to get the hood off quick and in one piece. He did the front of the face and then he took and did a little tube of duct tape with the sticky side out and then placed it down the back of her head and started taping over it but allowed for access to the tip of the tube. So then you when you wanted it off you slip your safety scissors into the tube and cut all the way down the tube. Then peel it back and it brings with it all the pre-wrap and tape. Then slip it off the face and it is off. Clear as mud? He also on the hood he had her open her mouth before taping over it because he did not want her jaw pressed totally together. And then he left nose open for breathing.

    Well anyway, it was clever and cool. I really liked the mittens but the hood scared me.

    Then our last seminar…

    "Sensory Depravation and Sensory Enhancement Wrapping Bondage" by Scary Terry and Lady Patricia

    Well first for some reason I did not get that second part of the title - I just read about the depravation and was excited. After doing the duct tape class, we thought it would be cool also. So we get there and Fire Play, which was before it, was still going on and went way long. And sensory class got set up late and started late.

    I have to say although we left 2nd seminar this one probably annoyed me even more. And we wish we would have gone to Laura's second class.

    I didn't think they seemed very prepared, but again that might have just been because they started late. But they did not explain things well. They kind of jumped around. The guy was explaining some of the equipment they had and I don't feel he knew the full affects of some of it. I mean he was mostly knowledgeable how to run them but the effects of them I would have liked to know. He had a photosonic box and Erostek box plus a lot more other toys.

    And now as I type how this guy did not seem to know his stuff and how he was not focused - makes me think of someone in my old community in Ohio that annoyed me too.

    But back to the seminar….

    They started with sensory enhancement and we came for deprivation so we were a little confused. They did then do other forms of depravation - a girl was wrapped up in I think duct tape over saran and a breathing tube. She was then put in a box with packing wrap and peanuts. I can't recall how long she had been that way, but I am thinking close to an hour. And that was the coolest part of the seminar - seeing her. And all they did was bring her in already wrapped in box and everything and brought her out and undid her. So we did not even see what they did to her to get her that way. We did not get to hear from the people having all the things done to them….to know what it felt like to them.

    It was just very unorganized to me. And we should have gone to Laura's class.

    Well that was Thunder…

    As I said this year was more for being with friends and attending classes and last year was about S&M and sex for us! But I enjoyed both times and can't wait until next year.
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