Wednesday, October 31, 2001

Have a...

Happy Halloween!

To please and serve.....To be submissive....

Music: Garbage ~ Beautiful

I have been feeling very submissive for weeks now actually. It is not that I do not feel submissive always. It is that I am more focused with that submission at times then other times.

To me a submissive is suppose to please and serve. There are other things I want in my D/s relationship. But I do seek to please and serve. When I disappoint or displease Sir Nick I get this feeling inside that is just not fun. I have had that feeling with others...such as Mistress DM.

One of my big struggles is that I have put myself last for such a long time....I gave to my family, to my husband (now ex), to his family, to work, to friend and never said what do "I" want...what is best for danae. I changed that...well first I just started living life and then I started being selfish. I have written about that a few times. Well, I am changing again......

And trying hard not to be so selfish. I am trying to focus on giving to others but now doing because "I" want to. Yes, at times Sir Nick compels me to want to or a few others have too. But I want to please and serve and that need to serve and please someone is very focused in me right now.

I think of ways to please and serve Sir Nick from here and it is so hard. I think of pleasing and serving him there.

Not to long ago I was having a conversation with Sir Nick and I used a curse word. And I could tell he was not pleased that I used it. He never said do not use it but my desire to please him made me realize I do not want to use those types of words again because I want to please him. And it felt SOO good to "want" to do that. Not to be told. Not to have it demanded (not that sometimes being demanded to do things is not nice too lol) But to want to give this to him.

It was a little act of submission to me. To show him that I want to please and serve him to the best of my ability.

I slip and I fail. But I am trying.

To me I do not see this as a "bad" thing, wanting to please and serve. Is that not what a submissive is suppose to want to do? Is it not the desire to please and serve the number one underlying reason for being submissive?

I am submissive. And I enjoy pleasing and serving again!


Tuesday, October 30, 2001

Bagger Vance

If you have not seen the movie The Legend of Bagger Vance,.....SEE IT! I really liked it and I'm not up for explaining why right now. But here is a tagline from the movie......that is interesting....."Some Things Can't Be Learned. They Must Be Remembered."


Well, it is Tuesday night....

I just got done watching 2 things on TV: Buffy and then the Wizards vs. Knicks. Those are 2 little quirky things about me that most people do not know.

I am a huge Buffy fan. I have only been a Buffy fan for about 3 years. FX now plays 2 hours of Buffy each night from 6pm eastern to 8pm eastern. I have been trying to catch some of them because they are I think the first or second season of Buffy and I was not watching it then. So far I am loving Oz! He is super cool! He knows just what to say to Willow. And has that darkness to him too - probably has something to do with him being a werewolf lol

Here are a few Buffy Links:
Buffy UPN
The Buffy Guide
Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV Tome
Psyche: Buffy Transcripts
Bloggin' Buffy
Much Ado About Buffy the Vampire Slayer

I am also a huge Michael Jordan fan. I have been a fan of his for hmmm 11 years or so I guess. It was Jim that got me hooked on basketball and Michael Jordan.

The Wizards pretty much suck. What is really going to be hard for them it looks like is to be a "team." There was this thing with the Bulls where Scotty Pippin and Michael Jordan just had this thing going where they knew what was going to go was a dance and it was beautiful to watch. lol Maybe it was just years of them playing together, but I see it with other teams. The Pacers....they play as a team. The Wizards don't. And with Michael on their team they need to work it as a team and work him how he works best - on a team. He does better when they are playing as a team. When he has hold a team up he will not score as much, because when they work as a team he is able to get it to hoop more often.

There was a little bit of a time where they looked like they were going to pull it together as a team and then it seemed to fall apart by the 3rd....late 3rd and all of the 4th.

I forgot Christian Laettner plays for them also. I was a fan of his when he played at Duke. So that is cool that he is on the Wizards with Jordan.

I would really like to go see Jordan when he is here in Cleveland but I am sure it will be sold out by the time I would get around to buying a ticket or already is sold out.

So here is some links on Michael Jordan and the Wizards also....

Michael Jordan Offical Website
The Michael Jordan Tribute
NBA Michael Jordan Player Info
Jordan's Return-O-Meter
The Offical Site of the Washington Wizards
Washington Wizards

There are probably a few things I could write about....but tired. And just want to go to bed.....

I am getting sick of not sleeping and having nightmares.....

Mistress DM gave me a gentle reminder of some things that could help.

peace & serenity,

Monday, October 29, 2001

Astronet Horoscopes

My horoscope for tomorrow.......Astronet Horoscopes daily extended

Try to resist the urge to mold things into the shape you want them in, Libra. Right now it's best to let the consequences fit the truths from which they flow. Much to your dismay, the Aries Moon is currently forcing you to walk that thin line between selfish and selfless. Romantic and professional allegiances are sure to be put to the test, but the results don't have to be disastrous. Remember your personal motto when interacting with clients, bosses and colleagues.


I went to IMD to look up In Country with Bruce Willis which made me follow Emily Lloyd because she was in the movie. And the last movie they have her listed in is call the Honeytrap. I have not heard of it but the tagline they had listed I thought was interesting....."She loved him so much, she couldn't risk trusting him."

Band of Brothers

Music: Practical Magic Soundtrack, Gross Blank Soundtrack

I fell asleep for a very short time and then ended up waking up with nightmares and so then turned the TV on and ended up watching a movie that was on one of the channels. I think I finally fell back asleep about 5am. And it is 9am as I write this and I am up, have taken a shower, unloaded the dishwasher, and did some work. Insane? yes lol

Last night Mistress DM asked me if I was asked how I was trained (do not quote me on those exact words lol) how I would answer. I answered how I have always answered that question. I guess the question I am usually asked is how much training do I have. And I always say...I have served in a poly household as a 24/7 slave for 2 years. I have also bottomed and been in a LDR as a submissive also.

Someone I was talking to the other day told me I was a good slave. And I told them I was not a slave. I am always curious when people call me that. He told me I was a good slave because of my loyalty to Sir Nick.

I do not watch movies with war in Saving Private Ryan I have never seen. I learned a while back that movies with war or post war things in them disturb me too much. Movies with Vietnam seem to even affect me more then others...or ones that deal with the concentration camps. The one with Tom Cruise Born on 4th of July and then their was one with Bruce Willis....I just went to IMD to look it is called In Country. That movie left me depressed for at least 3 days afterwards. I cried so hard after it that I scared Jim. And not sure how to explain it, but it hurts to watch things like that. Because I know that they are true - people went through that and felt like that and saw the things they did and that hurt me. I have been watching Band of Brothers....for a couple of those reasons being Sir Nick. Anyway, so far in watching it I have been okay (up until last nights episode). One reason I believe is because it is broke up in to one-hour segments. I am not getting the feel that I do from other movies dealing with war. As, I told Sir Nick, this is a movie about the Band of Brothers and because it is broke up in 1-hour segments I am not getting a feel for them being a "band of brothers." I mean we are going through all this time with these guys and I still do not know who exactly is the band of brothers. There is one character throughout each episode that is consistent...that is Winters. The rest what they do is kind of focus on 2 during each hour. But they are covering them in this hour and it is very surface feeling....shallow. I think if they had done them in 2 hours parts that I would have got more of the feeling they are a band of brothers. Right now I get stories of history but not of them...the men. And I wanted stories of them since it is titled the Band of Brothers.

Last nights episode affected me because they found a concentration camp. I look and see that is what happened. There were people that looked like that because of what was done to them.......there were people that went through that...and it hurts. I ache inside and so last nights episode upset me.

There was a town not far from the concentration camp they found and when it was reported the general he was outraged that the towns people had not done anything to stop it. He could not believe they did not know about it. So he declared marshall law and so they had to do what he said...and he made them go and bury the bodies at the camp. I do not know if I disagree with that. I mean how did they not know?

I suppose I should stop thinking about this so I can get my stomach calmed down and get back to work.


Sunday, October 28, 2001


Tonight my thoughts are dark.

Pain. LOTS of it. Rape, forced, blood, pain. My mind keeps spinning and seeing images that I have been dreaming of all weekend. I feel like the thing inside me is crawling and ready to claw to get out. I hate when I feel like this....this feeling started last week. And I told Sir Nick last week that I was feeling insecure. And I said that I should track this more to see if it happens only when I am insecure or other times as well.

I had images of walking into a room and a man pushing me against a wall and then something going over my arm being brought up behind my back and pulled hard. It felt like it could break if I moved. The images go on and play out.... hurt, forced, raped, pain, beat, unable to move and alone in the end.....and then found. And people are wanting to call the police and I say no......

I have not done anything all weekend...and I had so much to do. I had boxes to go through. I have a domain for work and so I need to get that finished..with the redesign and then put up on the new domain name. I had emails to go through. I had personal emails and things to do.

I had someone write me the night before my Birthday that I am still in shock over. I have not been able to respond because just opening and seeing it from him...amazes me. Not a bad thing is a good thing.

I have been thinking about Sir Nick and myself lots this weekend and thinking if I am "making" him into what I want or am I seeing him for who he is.....I am not sure at the moment.

Went to brunch today and most of the time I was just sitting starring off....thinking of things I do not want to be thinking of. I do soooo good and go days and even weeks and do not let him in my head and then of course today I did. I think it is because of my dreams last night. I had so many and all so different.

I should be a sleep or in bed right now. Tomorrow I really need to devote to website work. So I need a creative spurt.....lets hope one comes

So I suppose I should try to get some sleep.....

good night...


1 year anniversary

Today is the 1 year anniversary of me starting my blogger.

It seems truly amazing to me that I have been keeping up with this for a year. I am amazed I did not let it go by the side. I told Kam that this morning and he said he was not surprised, as I am a different woman then I was even 3 years ago.

I created the danae whispering name last year just days before I started the blogger. The name Danae, I got from a favorite painting of mine by Klimt. Last year at this time I also did a search on what the name Danae meant.

And here is what it came up with.....

The name of Danae gives you a clever, quick, analytical mind, but you suffer with a great deal of self-consciousness, lack of confidence, and much aloneness because of misunderstandings. Your idealistic and sensitive nature gives you a deep appreciation for the finer things of life and a strong desire to be of service to humanity. There are times when you experience inner turbulence at your inability to say what you mean. It is far easier for you to express your deeper thoughts and feelings through writing than verbally. You find pleasure in literature, in poetry, and in your ideals and will turn to them when you feel you have been misunderstood. You are deeply moved by the beauties of life, especially nature. Because your feelings run deep, you must guard against the ups and downs, being very inspired one minute, then moody, reserved, and depressed the next. Your reactions to people vary according to how you feel. You tend to be secretive and noncommittal about private matters, yet at times you will talk effusively in order to hide your self-consciousness or to lead others away from personal subjects. You are inspired by encouragement from others, yet suspicious of their intent. You crave affection but seldom find anyone who understands your nature. Physical weaknesses would show in your heart, lungs, or bronchial organs.

I remember reading that a year ago and thinking wow that "was" me. And now I read it and think wow it "is" me. But it is me in a different way then thought. I read this description last year and thought wow she is "depressing" person. But now I read it and think no...there are things in it I do not like....where is says I lack confidence but I do. The thing is even though I do not have that totally tackled yet. I am so much further now then I was a year ago. And that is what is important. I am changing and growing as a person...becoming a better me.

I am independent, strong and opinionated and I am also dependent, timid and searching for a way. I am the Libra scale trying to find my middle ground but never really wanting too...... I am a very intense and emotional person and reacting on those emotions is not a bad thing. It is what makes me real and what makes me react to people and things. It is who I am.....just me.



Okay this will be a weird entry.....

I was just looking at what to my blogger and I found that on Thursday for some reason must have had a link to it. And someone accessed it. If anyone happens to know why they had me listed there, could you please write me at Thank you!


Saturday, October 27, 2001


I have had a headache from hell the last 2 days. I am sure it is a combination of weather changing (snowed here yesterday) and stress.

I am having mild work stress as I know what I need to do to get the things I want to change but it is hard to do them and do all that I always do with the work. So I am getting bummed because I can't do it all and be super woman. lol Also another little bump I hit this week with work so not sure how to handle that yet.

Sir Nick and I talked more online this week then we have in over a month. He and I talked about meeting in real life briefly this past week. He joked about it several times. Anyway, I am starting to get nervous about that he will not like me in person. Me as a person inside (even though he knows that part of me pretty much) and the physical me. He has LOTS of pictures of me...current, old, past and present and soooo he knows what I look like but it still scares me. So going through insecure moments on that.

And we have not even made a definite time as to when we will meet, so not sure why I am worrying about it now. Uggh I know why I am worrying about it now. Because of something I have not been doing that I had been doing. Long story nothing that I want to chat about now and something I need to talk to Sir Nick about first. :(

Kam just left to pick up SJ from the airport she has been out of town. I was hoping to go with him but my headache started getting worse again about 30 mins ago.

I was invited to 2 parties for tonight and there is a BDSM meeting tonight. I wanted to go the meeting and one of the parties but not even sure if I am going to make it to the meeting at the moment because of my head. :(

We are getting a new cable company and so the cable company had to get into our apartment to wire it. I had to get all the things out of the closets out so they could get in them. Well, it made me realize how much I have/own lol. There are boxes I have had the whole time I have lived in Ohio that I have never opened. Anyway, I told Kam today I am going to go through them and all my clothes the next 2 weeks and put them all in our spare room and have everyone over I know to go through them and take things and then the rest I will bring to the salvation army.

Well, I am going to go pop a movie in...maybe Breakfast at Tiffany's. And get some cider and snuggle under my blanket since I ended up not having time to do that the other day. But for good reason, Sir Nick signed online and I chatted with him instead before having to go do work.


Thursday, October 25, 2001


I am so tired and cold today. It was nice here yesterday and now today it is cold and dreary ....I just want to curl up in bed under my fuzzy warm Mickey mouse blanket and go to sleep. Hey might have something to do with the fact that I had about 3 hours sleep last night though too lol I would like to be a little girl today. Today feels weird. I reach out and do not feel anything today and I am not sure it is because I am unable to or what. Feels like I am behind a wall. My wall maybe? I do not feel sad or depressed but this day could easily do that to me it is so weird feeling. I should be working but I am not. I think I am going to go clean the kitchen and then take a nap lol I just remembered I have apple cider.....mmmm that sounds good. Warm Apple Cider and a good movie and my blanket lol


Woke Up

I just woke up with nightmares ugghhh

Life sucks sometimes.

I just got done writing how I am doing okay without constant/consistent attention from Sir Nick and then right at this moment I want to be with him so much. I want him to reach out and touch me and say everything will be okay my girl. To make it safe.

I have to be up early in the morning so I suppose I should try to get back to sleep....


Wednesday, October 24, 2001

Feel Submissive

Well, today has been busy. I am tired but it is a good tired. It has been heaven being able to sleep in a little in the morning. Though this morning I was not able to as work started early today.

Work -
Today was good. We had a very good day. And I had fun. It will be a late night though. I have lots of website work to do and kind of intimidated by it. So I have been procrastinating.

Personal -
I have chatted with Sir Nick online for 3 days in a row! Last night I got to talk to Di who I had not talked to in a while since she has been busy with work also. I have missed her LOTS and LOTS!

I have not been craving the attention, like I had been. I, of course, always want to talk to Sir Nick, but I am not substituting others in his place. I miss him but it is becoming easier to just be patient and wait. I want the intimacy and closeness, but it will happen when it happens. Some days I am frustrated we have not met yet and other days I know it will happen when it can. And right now with his schedule is probably not a great time for us to explore each other.

I also feel closer to Kam again lately. He has been very good to me. And not sure how I feel about that. I mean it is not like I am seeking him out for attention. We just have hung out now that I think about we have not. We are hanging out the same amount it is just different. He reacts to me differently then he used to. It has been nice and strange all at once.

Kam is a great man. He and I are just not very good together at times. Or maybe I am just not slave material. *shrugs*

With Nick it is strange......I am submissive towards him but I do not feel submissive. Okay how do I explain this, when I was with "Sir," I had submissive feelings surface when he did certain things and I reacted with those floating/happy/goosebump feelings. But with Sir Nick...I just me. Ugggh how to explain this...I am not feeling the floaty goose bump feelings - well I do but not when submitting...because I am submitting always without thought or just in certain times. Maybe Mistress DM will understand what I mean and explain it in words that I can understand lol

It is just not a feeling now and then it is constant reaction without thinking and just there. And not reaction because he really did a certain something to "make" me feel that way. Am I making any sense? LOL

I am going through some insecure moments right now. I also realized I am self-sabotaging myself in a way. I need to write Nick about first though before it pops up on the web. Anyway, having insecure moments, have asked Nick a few times if he really wants me, wants to see me and wants the things he describes and desires. He never seems annoyed when I go through these phases. Todd would get annoyed. Kam even did at times. I apologize for being insecure and he always jokes and makes me smile and says he will beat it out of me. :) He gets me to smile and not take myself so seriously. He understands I am emotional and intense. But part of me believes what he is really saying is one day you will not ask because you will feel safe enough not to have to ask. Maybe I am just reading more into it though.

Well, it is only 11:16pm and I am exhausted tonight. So, I actually think I am going to go pop a video in and go to bed....

Good night....


Toast or Warm Bread

Okay this is silly but sometimes we need silly.....little piece of a convo with Di....

me: do you know how that i am so happy that Nick likes his toast like i do...i have never known anyone who does lol
Di: how DO you like it?
me: barely barely toasted basically just warm
Di: not silly at all
Di: and thats warm bread, not TOAST LOL
me: ROFL
me: well Nick likes it the same lol
Di: thats fine, but its still warm bread LOL


Tuesday, October 23, 2001


Music: The Verve

He always comes through. He is always there when I need him.

Today has been a pretty icky day. And I wrote Sir Nick an email. I was upset and babbling and within moments of sending it....he messages me.

Mind racing.

I did not sleep last night :(

I hear Mistress DM in my head. "We are mirrors."

Okay....I seem to attract people who project their feelings on to me. Try to turn things around when they feel like crap and blame it on me. And I am thinking okay I am a mirror does that mean I do that to other people? If I do God help me because I would never ever want to make people feel that way.

here is what happened.....The local Dominant who I went out with a month ago messaged me this morning. And basically was hurting and so he needed to blame me. He started the conversation off as he was concerned for me...worried that Nick is "playing me," but that did not last long. I never have lied to the local Dominant. I told him how I felt. I have a journal here that tells everyone how I feel. And yet, I was being told so many things that are not true. He does not get me. Period end of story. If he had got me, he would not have pushed like he did that night we met as I needed a friend. And that was very evident just looking at me.

Anyway, the things he said hurt me, but now that I am sitting here writing what he says really did not bother me. I mean they are nothing compared to grand scheme of things. I think what he said affected me...because I have monthly friend and lack of sleep. So I am sure I am extra sensitive. This past weekend being so busy so that I did not have much causing me to crash emotionally and mentally. I wrote Sir Nick right away. And I just kind of babbled. I am not sure I made sense and it was moments later he was messaging me. That made me feel very good and special. He tried to pull me out of the funk. But I am crashing and so it is hard to get out of it. I just need a nap.

Changing topics...Sunday or yesterday I cannot remember when it was....I got an email. Basically someone saying I had something on a website that they wrote and should have given them credit. I put on the post that if someone knew who wrote this to please drop me an email because I would like to get permission to use it and also give credit. I wrote how it touched me and really at the time in my life I got it had a profound effect. Before I had posted on the website, I had done an websearch on it, but it came up with about 4 different people possibly writing it and I had not even gone through all the links it gave me. So, I did not really know which of the 4 were the correct author. The thing that got me about the email is.....that this poem is about enjoying life and making sure you enjoy each moment. And here I get an email that seemed very accusing...and kind of harsh...and that seemed kind of ironic for a person that wrote about enjoying life to it fullest. I know it happens so much on the web...people "stealing" or "borrowing" other peoples words and images. I know that it happens because not only does it happen to me, I have done it. On my websites or email groups I try to always credit the people who did the work. But sometime it is hard to do.

Anyway, right before the email popped up in my box. I had taken my website down. Because I am about to redesign, get it up and fully functional...and at its own domain. I am just not sure what domain I want yet. Any suggestions would be appreciated :)

Well, I need to go get dressed and go see a couple of friend and do some work....


ps: Di has been out busy with work stuff and I miss her *pout*

Monday, October 22, 2001

Tell the Truth

Music: No Doubt

Diet Coke with Lemon!!!

I love Diet Coke with Lemon. When I got out for dinner or even when I go out and do not drink alcohol then I drink diet coke with lemon. Well, Diet Coke now comes with lemon flavoring :) It is yummy!

This weekend was busy busy busy......which is a good thing in a round about way. It was a good weekend over all. It will be a good thing long term also. I am really tired. I should have come home from doing some work in the morning and went to bed, instead I did work. And now I am probably not going to have any time off until Saturday. My birthday then is going to be the last day I had off.

I wanted to go to SMART this past weekend but I was just too busy. I have not been to SMART since right after Todd broke up with me. I met someone there that I used to write about in my journal a lot...."Sir." Anyway, I miss going. The other group I go to is going to be next weekend. And it should prove to be interesting.

This weekend my dreams of Sir Nick were so intense.....some very vanilla, some very sexual, some very BDSM oriented....some soft some dark. It was such a mixture. All interesting....all good.

Tonight he popped on for a little bit. Good to hear from him since my Birthday was the last time. When I go more then 2 or 3 days without word I get antsy. Sad thing is I am getting more used to it. But what would normally happen in this situation is my feelings would lesson. And I was thinking about this last feelings have not changed at all. They have deepened I believe. I open up to him easily.

Tonight was one of those times. It was hard to tell him the truth, but just shrugging it off and not telling him the truth would have hurt more in the big picture. I could have just said I am fine. But he asked...and so I had to tell him the truth. And the truth was I was not doing good at that point in our conversation. He really threw me for a loop. And I am still not sure how to feel about the whole thing if I break it up and think about the things said. But over-all it turned out okay so that is good thing. I am not sure if he read me this time but he handled it all very "smoothly" he was prepared for the answer that I said to him. I think though maybe I threw him a little when I told him that I was so upset that I had been crying. It just shocked me and pms might have something else to do with it lol Anyway, we are okay. And it is okay.

I miss him...and wish tonight that I could crawl in bed with him and just snuggle into his arms. To be held by him. To feel the warmth of his skin next to hear his heart beating.....that is what I wish.....

good night...


Saturday, October 20, 2001

Work & Personal

Friday was really busy for me and Saturday and Sunday are going to be even more this is going to be a quickie. I am really stressed. My stomach has not calmed down at all yesterday and now today. And the whole day is going to be like this. I just need to get through today and tomorrow and then Monday will be easier. I have so many changes coming and I am really pumped up about it but nervous of course too. This is the first time in a long time I have been excited about working. I was getting so burnt even though I am so stressed right now....I know in the big picture that things are changing and I am going to be having fun again!

I am missing Sir Nick a lot. Last night more then anything I wished that I could have been with be able to look into his eyes and know he is in control and to feel his power. I have heard about women who say that work all day and are in charge and just like to be able to come home and know they are not....that is exactly the feeling I had last night. I did not want to be in charge anymore. I have the deep desire to just serve and please Him so much literally aches because I am not able also scares me when I think about it lately. Which I am not going to think about right now lol

So I probably will not write again until Sunday night or Monday.

Have a good weekend...


Friday, October 19, 2001

Quotes on Sex...

I can't sleep....surfing the net...reading blogs....

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." ~ Steve Martin

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." ~ Woody Allen

"Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right." ~ Woody Allen

"Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing ; between 5 it's fantastic ..." ~ Woody Allen

Thursday, October 18, 2001

The day ended....

Music: Garbage ~ Version 2.0

I am tired and should be in bed.

Today's slightly political rant from me is unusual. I am not sure why but I care about so many things but I just do not "say" it because of basically past issues with my ex-husband. I would get worked up over some piece on the I did today after reading the things on backwash...and Jim would say why get worked up. Why cannot change it or effect those peoples lives.

Reminds me of these lyrics from a Garbage, Special...

Do you have an opinion?
A mind of your own?
I thought you were special
I thought you should know

Anyway...he would tell me not to get "worked up about it."

Tonight when I was thinking about things.....the things I read in the news normally triggers those danae peace and love buttons lately. And then I think about people in the world and even here to struggle daily just to make it through the day. And it brings things close again....

I see an image when I just described I was feeling....reaching out and touching all these different places mentally and emotionally because I was charged and excited! I wanted to feel EVERYTHING! I wanted to FEEL ALIVE! TOTALLY...because I feel so awesome.

So this image I see is spinning and waves of thoughts, ideas, love, feelings, joy, ecstasy flowing out of me and touching others.....but others out there are hurting and others out there have lots on their mind and I would touch and feel it and it did not affect me like it could have if I had not been so pumped up today. And so then when I read the news I just I felt INSTANT emotions....reactions. I am not sure I am making sense I am just typing. So then at dinner, I brought things back close. I still feel awesome. But I thought of the world there are people in this very city who struggle each day to get up and keep going, there are kids here in this city who have tragedy in their lives daily...and that to me I guess is a BIG thing compared to a man going without a toothbrush for 6 days. Sound cold? Maybe...but a child being beaten up in his own house by his own parents a bigger tragedy...very cold that it happens. People getting raped, people being mugged and robbed, people going without medical care and children starving happens EVERYDAY....those are daily life events that I think, we as society a lot of the time, view as normal parts of life....that is the *biggest* tragedy.

Not sure that said exactly what I wanted....but it is another rambling....rant from me.....for me.

I thank all my friends and family...for making my Birthday a very nice day! Special Thanks to Sir Nick, Di, and Kam.


I just sent an email off to Sir Nick and I am sure he is going LUCKY me NOT lol

I found this site It looks like a site where you can posts different topics/articles and then comment on them. What I have read so far I really like :) Anyway, the first article I clicked open was this one about people being detained without lawyers, in solitude without blankets or a toothbrush.

The basics of my email to Nick were.....

Basically who decides who is innocent and guilty? why lock up someone before knowing what their involvement or who they talked to or what their connection is to this attack? I mean if someone is guilty I can understand limiting who they talk to. But why not give them a blanket and toothbrush?

To me doing things like that detaining people who are middle eastern....and treating them like nothing does not make senses to me and seems just insane to do that....we are like the terrorist then to Bin Laden. People follow insane people all the time.....please we have that going on in our own country on a daily basis.....the KKK, David Koresh and we know it happens.

Also I read the next article just now that was talking about people of Khorum having their house flattened by the USA's air raids. In the comments another link is listed but when I tried to go to just came up with a blank page :( But the comments on the article were interesting.

Here is one comment that I am cutting and pasting here that I thought was interesting.....

Posted on: October 16, 2001 14:06
The Chiefs of Staff Chairman, General Richard Myers, said the bombers had struck at arms stores hidden in tunnels and caves, and he suggested that exploding munitions might have caused further damage.

"You do not spend that kind of money and dig that far in and store that many weapons and munitions that it would cause that kind of sustained secondary explosions, unless you have very serious purposes for doing it."

Let me pose these 3 questions:
1- If we assume that the pentagon version is the truth (which I do believe for the most part)... Are we justified in hitting an ammo dump, if there is a risk to nearby civilians?

2- If the secondary explosions did cause that many casualties, can you imagine what would happen if the weapons and rockets in that cave/bunker were actually used?

3- Isn't it likely that the Taliban wants little more than to have civilians killed to rally the Afghan people against the US? In onther words, if the Taliban could get Afghans killed and believeably blame the US, do you think that they would do that either by direct action or inaction?

attacking people's residential areas and houses and killing... children, women and elders in a policy of race elimination", it said.

Does anyone believe that the US is really genocidal? Most of us are pretty comfortable with interracial dating, marriage, etc. Would we really tolerate "race elimination"? Does this hint at a credibility gap between the truth of Taliban claims vs. Pentagon claims?

Look, be skeptical. Stay informed. That's great. But be aware that when there are two versions of a story, even when neither is 100% on target, one may be considerably closer to the truth, which may not even be in the middle of the two choices.

I do not talk of this kind of stuff often sooooo you know it kind of got under my skin today....


Giddy 15 year old

Music: Matchbox 20 ~ yourself or somebody like you

Sir Nick just called to wish me a Happy Birthday! :)

He said I sounded good. I babbled on and on about dinner last night. I know that has a lot to do with it. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. And then I sounded good because it is today. I am happy I am alive!

It was so good to hear his voice. Oh how I wish I was there with him. I wish I was spending tonight with him. *blush*

He likes his toast how I like my toast!!! *grin* I know silly....just a little thing but it made me feel giddy happy inside lol

That is exactly how I was today on the phone with him. We talked about that....that I was just like I was when I first was talking to him online and the phone.....giddy like a 15 year old. (oh my gawd to be 15 again LOL) So I felt giddy when talking with him. He asked me if I had a vodka for breakfast lol

Well, I am going to go take a shower since I have been a bum watching tv, surfing the net and doing not much at all and then I am going shopping. I have a party to go to on Sunday and not sure what the heck I am going to wear to it.



Music: Sarah McLachlan ~ Fumbling Towards Ecstasy, The Cranberries ~ No Need to Argue

Outing myself....

Today is my Birthday.....

I feel good. I fell asleep fast last night. I mean I was probably asleep by 12:30 last night. Do you know how rare it is when I am asleep by 1am? lol

I was just reading Mistress DM's The Process; she talks about one of her favorite authors who she has introduced me to and now is becoming one of mine also....Paulo Coelho. She has 2 websites listed. I am looking at one right now.

While I write, I have like 4 sites open and read, online journals, work related site and so on. I just went to make some toast to eat while I read and this is what is strange....I made the toast and thought I wonder if Sir Nick likes his toast light or dark. Now is that not the strangest thing to think about???? lol I am GOING VANILLA :) *giggle* That is what he will say in response to

I am FEELING awesome today! What is wrong???

I miss Sir Nick and Di though :(

Di has been very busy this week and has lots going on that makes me worry about her lots. I know she is under a lot of stress not only at home but work. And it is really getting to her. She is saying things I have heard myself say in the past that were NOT good things to be saying. And that scares me a lot. I just want to be here for her. And help her anyway I can. She is the GREATEST! I love her dearly and am thankful we met!

Going to post this and then.....keep reading my news and such....


Wednesday, October 17, 2001

Dinner for Mental Health

Music: Ottmar Lieber

I just got home a little bit ago. I had a 5 1/2 hour dinner with someone, who I believe is now a good friend....and had a GREAT time! It was a lot of fun and just what I needed to help me. We were able to talk about things with each other that we cannot talk to anyone else about. And we both admitted by the the end of the evening that we needed that and will have to get together to have these mental health "dinners" frequently to keep us sane.

I had an email in my box that kind of threw was nothing bad though. It was a good thing.

I have had a migraine on and off all day though so I am heading to bed.......

My day just was kind of weird starting out.....and overall it ended up being a good day! That is a nice :)


Books and Music

"Pain and pleasure, like light and darkness, succeed each other." -- Laurence Sterne

Music: The Fixx ~ Greatest Hits

I was looking on my bookshelves the other night. I have a lot of books. Mostly on art, poetry, new age books such as books by Marianne Williamson, James Redfield, and then the Course of Miracles. Anyway I realized I had 2 little storage boxes being used kind of as a book end and the boxes had cd's in them. CD's I forgot I had...I have probably not listened to in over a year. The Fixx was in there along with 2 U2 and Sting CD's, a few soundtracks - dying young, batman forever, reality bites, the lion king, even cowgirls get the blues and then Pasty Cline's Greatest Hits. It is weird to think that I forgot about them. I mean yes I have a lot of CD's but it is so strange that I did not miss them for a whole year. I wonder how many other things in my life I would not miss for a whole year.

I am freezing today.....

I will probably be posting bits and pieces all day. Just feel like one of those moods :)

I can't remember where I found the quote below. But I like it :) Mistress DM has put it on The Process

"The creative person finds himself in a state of turmoil, restlessness, emptiness, and unbearable frustration unless he expresses his inner life in some creative way " ~ Silvano Arieti


Can you BELIEVE this???

The Vice Guide to Giving Head "Important: You are not going to get AIDS from swallowing. It’s safest to make sure you don’t brush your teeth right before or right after but relax. It’s fine."

Tuesday, October 16, 2001


late night....early morning ramblings

Music: Melissa Etheridge ~ Skin

Well, I should be in bed.

There is lots going on in my head. Mostly work related. Probably going to be making some big changes soon. And it will be stressful but in the long run it will help ease the stress I am going through right now.

Sir Rob said good bye and good luck to me on Monday. And so I said the same. I talked to SM online today....he has been online more lately and that has been nice. Yesterday I talked with Honey. I had not talked to her since September. And I should not have let it slip that long without contact. It was GREAT to chat with her. I miss her lots. I have been thinking about Jackie lots this week. Last year her, Di and Kam threw me a Birthday party. It actually seems like it was more then a year ago.

I have been thinking about devotion a lot lately. I am very devoted. This morning, I was chatting with a gentlemen that has told me he will own me (which I have heard many times before and never ends up that way), anyway, I tried explaining to him that even though I am not physically with Sir Nick yet and have not met him...that I felt something I guess like a personal "code of honor," where I am devoted to Sir Nick. That I want to spend time getting to know him and seeing how we fit together. And then meet and see how it works in real life. So even though this other gentlemen is local and even though I have men asking me on dates and what not...I say no because really Sir Nick is the only one I want.

I was comparing Todd and Nick in the shower the other morning. I wish I could record the things I think about in the shower *grin*

Anyway I was doing a comparison ....something I hate that I do, but I do. I take past experiences and put them into today and compare. So that I do not get hurt again mostly.

Devotion is given when you have trust and you cannot build trust without being open and honest.

Todd does not know how to be honest with himself. And he was not honest with me ever. But I gave him trust. And I gave him devotion. I wanted to believe so much that he was the "right" guy for me. Everyone saw that....but much trust and devotion I gave him. He would tell me that I did not trust him. Projection of feelings...he always did that. He would say these off the wall things that were nothing like me....and say it was me. But when I would look at was his feeling/actions and he was projecting them on me because he felt "bad" for them.

Nick is honest with himself :) And with me :) And I have given him trust. Not as quickly as I gave it to Todd probably because of Todd that I have not. But the trust level is growing deeper each time we talk. He is open and honest with me, so he gets my devotion. Not something he asks for, it is just given to him freely. I am doing it the right way this time. Giving to him because he deserves it. And has given me so much by being honest and open with me.


Chasing Amy

Link: Chasing Amy

2 guys, Holden and Banky, that are friends working together. Holden meets and falls for a girl who is lesbian, Alyssa. They start building a friendship.

BTW there is a whole story with the 2 friends but I am only going to cover the parts I related to.

When they first meet...they find out that the lived near each other growing up.

Holden: Two towns away from each other for years and we had to meet in New York.

Alyssa: Could have been worse-we could have not met at all.

I thought that was cool :)

Early in the movie....when first starting to be friends, he says so then you are virgin and she says no. And then he said so you have had sex with a man. She never answers that question. But gets in a debate with him over what constitutes a virgin. He basically says that if a man has not penetrated a female she is still a virgin. She never answers the question on if she had been with a Holden assumes she has not.

So they become friends. He then falls in love with her and tells her all the reason he loves her. They click. They get each other. And at first she is pissed he told her but then admits she loves him too.

Here is what he says to her when he confesses to her that he loves her...awwwww.....

Holden: I love you. And not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. And it's not because you're unattainable. I love you. Very simple, very truly. You're the epitome of every attribute and quality I've ever looked for in another person. I know you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you'd ever consider. But I had to say it. I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't look into your eyes without feeling that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. I know this will probably queer our friendship -no pun intended- but I had to say it, because I've never felt this before, and I like who I am because of it. And if bringing it to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But I couldn’t allow another day to go by without getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And I'll accept that. But I know some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation that means you feel something too. All I ask is that you not dismiss that -at least for ten seconds- and try to dwell in it. Alyssa, there isn’t another soul on this fucking planet who's ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it's there between you and me. You can't deny that. And even if we never speak again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which -while I do appreciate it- I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.

Holden finds out that she has a past...with sexual experimenting...and with men. That she has done lots of things that lots of "normal" people do not do. Such as be with 2 men at once. (I am jaded lol) Anyway, he can't get past her past.

From this point on in the movie, I totally related too.

He has a problem with her past. Another character in the movie says that men need to be Marco Polo....discovering lands first.

It was like Jim was on that movie screen. Wow the thoughts and words that came out of Holden could have come out of Jim.

Anyway he decided to confront her about her past. Here is the dialog....some of it...

Holden: So it's true?

Alyssa: Is that what you want to hear? Is it? Yes, Holden, it is true! In fact everything you heard or dug up on me was probably true! Yeah, I took on two guys at once! You want to hear some gems you might not have unearthed-I took a 26 yr old guy to my senior prom, and then left halfway through to have sex with him and Gwen Turner in the back of a limo! And the girl who got caught in the shower with Miss Moffit, the gym teacher? That was me! Or how about in college when I let Shannon Hamilton videotape us having sex-only to find out the next day that he broadcast it on the campus cable station? They're all true-those and so many more! Didn’t you know? I'm the queen of urban legend!

Holden: How the hell could you do those things?

Alyssa: Easily! Some of it I did out of stupidity, some of it I did out of what I thought was love, but-good or bad-they were my choices, and I'm not making apologies for them now-not to you or anyone! And how dare you try to lay a guilt trip on me about it- in public no less! Who the fuck do you think you are, you judgmental prick!

Holden: How am I supposed to feel about all of this?

Alyssa: How are you supposed to feel about it? Feel whatever the fuck you want about it! The only thing that really matters is how you feel about me.

Holden: I don't know how I feel about you now.

Alyssa: Why? Because I had some sex?

Holden: Some sex?

Alyssa: Yes, Holden-that's all it was some sex! Most of it stupid high school sex, for Christ's sake! Like you never had sex in high school!

Holden: There's a world of fucking difference between typical high school sex and getting fucked by two guys at the same time! They fucking used you!

Alyssa: NO! I used them! You don't think I would've let it happen if I hadn’t wanted it to, do you?! I was an experimental girl, for Christ's sake! Maybe you knew early on that your track was from point A to B-but unlike you, I wasn’t given a fucking map at birth, so I tried it all! That is until we-that's you and I-got together, and suddenly, I was sated. Can't you take some comfort in that? You turned out to be all I was ever looking for-the missing piece in the big fucking puzzle! Look I'm sorry I let you believe that you were the only guy I'd ever been with. I should've been more honest. But it seemed to make you feel special in a way that me telling you over and over again how incredible you are would never get across. Do you mean to tell me that while you have zero problem with me sleeping with half the women in New York city you have some sort of half-assed mealy-mouthed objection to pubescent antics that took place almost 10 years ago? What the fuck is your problem?

Holden: I want us to be something that we can't be.

Alyssa: And what's that?

Holden: A normal couple.

That was Jim. Jim could have said all that.

She is crying so hard after that scene...they walk away from each other. Because he feels they cannot be a normal couple. The pain in that moment. I remember that pain. Knowing he can't accept her.

Holden (Ben's characters name) meets Jay and Silent Bob (who I totally think is yummy and know aydeen is agreeing with me on this one lol). Holden is talking about how he gets visuals in his head of her past doing crazy things and that it just freaks him out. Jim told me the same thing. That he would picture things and then he could not at time touch me for days because of it. Then Silent Bob does his speech....something he does in every movie that they are in lol.

Silent Bob TOTALLY nails it. He gets it. He describes a time where he was in a similar situation with a girl named Amy. He said he weirded out about her past and called her a slut and used, wants to hurt her because he is weirded out. But really is AFRIAD. He is a scared that he will never be enough for her, that she will want more someday, that he will never be on her level because eof the experiences she had. And so he called her names and said the things he did out of fear. He got it. It is not who you love - the past of a person it is how you love that person. That she had those experiences and was searching for a guy like "Bob." But he pushed her away because of his fear. HE later got it. That her past maybe made up her but that it was him that she had been searching for. She had looking for the ONE. The one that we click with. The one that got her. And once she found him nothing else matter. The past is the past. And what mattered was Bob. So by the time he figured this out she was gone...and so he is always chasing Amy now.

Jim could have been the person. The one. But his fears...not only about my past but many other things always stood in our way....messed things up.


Sunday, October 14, 2001


Happy Birthday Sir Rob!

Well, no headache as of now (Sunday Oct 14th, 12 noon)! Yippee!!!

Yesterday morning I woke up in a very creative mood. It was weird lol I woke up and did some sketches for a new website. It was like an outline of what I would want on each page and some quick sketches of images/graphics and such. Now I just need to figure out how to make it a reality.

I have been thinking about my birthday a lot lately. I am going to turn 34 this week. That just seems so weird. I do not feel 34. Not sure what a 34 year old is suppose to feel like but I don't feel it.

Last night I was watching The Mummy Returns with Kam. I had not seen it when it was in theaters. I had left yahoo on. I do practically always now anyway because I never want to miss a chance to talk to Sir Nick. So while I am watching the movie I look over and see a message pop up on the screen. It was him. :)

So we stopped the movie and I went and chatted with him online for about 15 mins and then we ended up on the phone for an hour and 1/2...I think. It was so good to hear his voice. I needed to hear his voice. We connected. We chatted about every day things...daily happenings in our life. He shared some things going on with him that I am not sure he understood or not how that made me feel so much better. He talked about things in his daily life.....even like going to the Walmart and it made me feel so much more connected to him. His work has been so hard and time consuming that all he says is tired and that is it. And so I have just not felt a part of his life... the words I am looking for. We just talked about a lot of stuff nothing deep or intense really but talked and it helped me so much.

So after that....Kam and I finished watching the mummy returns. It was good. But I liked the first one better.

I then watched Chasing Amy.....and that was just really weird to watch. I liked it. I think it could have been better but what I liked about it..was I related to a lot of things said in it. Even in the beginning of it but mostly towards the end. I am going to write about the movie. But it will be in the next post to the blogger...sooooo if you do not want the movie spoiled for you. Do not read the next blog entry lol

I need to call JJ today. I have not called her because my headaches have been so bad and I wanted to be able to hear what she was saying and not just get some of it. She had wrote me...needing to talk to someone.

Kam got a car! And those that are close to me know what that means for me.

Well, I better sign off and take a shower and do some things I have been putting off all week.

I hope that Sir Rob has a very Happy Birthday! I know he is out of town on a golf I hope that goes very good for him to make his Birthday special!



We connected....*smiling*


Saturday, October 13, 2001

Almost Famous

"When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge." -- Tuli Kupferberg

I did not sleep well last night at all. I have had a migraine all week...different levels to it. Yesterday was probably the worst of it. And I actually slept most of the day. Which maybe is why I could not sleep last night, but I was yawning and felt tired last night.

I dreamed of my house this past week. I have been trying to pretend I didn't. But of course I did. I woke up one morning knowing I had dreamed of the house. And just shoved it from my mind. Then the other night I was vegging on the couch flipping through channels (something I rarely do) and it came back to me. I tried to push it way but I wanted too.

I was alone in the house....walking around it felt very empty...just me. I did not feel sad in the dream. I did not feel alone really either it was just was empty, like I was looking at the house with different eyes maybe. I would pick up things and just run my fingers over them and they felt different....they looked different... not like they were new though but they changed…were different.

Anyway I dreamed of the house. Not sure how I feel about it yet. I do not feel bad or sad thinking of it. I just am uncomfortable that I dreamed of it and not sure why or what it means.

Last weekend, I went to Barnes and Noble. It is always weird going in That is where I met Todd for the first time. Anyway, I was walking down the aisles of books today and walked past it and then as I walked past…I felt the word illusion come to mind and remembered Richard Bach's book. I had just past it so I walked back and opened it up. First word I read was Master and has like these number sequences talking about Master - basically almost like an outline of the book and then I went back to first pages of the book and the first words I saw were. "Perhaps it is no coincidence that you're holding this book; perhaps there is something about these adventures that you came here to remember." I bought the book. Richard Bach was one of Todd's favorite authors. Fitting…that Todd’s favorite author has a book named Illusions. And just reading some of the beginning part about the Master. It felt like I heard Todd saying some of the words.

I picked up the Valkyries the other day and read some of it. I want to get another Paulo Coelho book. Just asked Mistress DM which one of his books I should read next. She told me "the alchemist reads fast...and has some basic beliefs about karma and the soul and magic." I then responded with "yes Ma`am, then that is the one I will get next." And she said, "dang. If only you took all my advice and suggestions that easily." That was cute made me laugh out loud.

I have been watching a lot of movies lately. Last weekend I rented A Knight's Tale, Notting Hill, The Story of Us....this weekend rented Family Man, Save the Last Dance, The Mummy Returns, The Bachelor, Chasing Amy. Step Mom was on TNT last night watched that. I watched Gia, Mystic Pizza, Pretty Woman, Dances with Wolves recently too. Go to Internet Movie Database to check any of those titles out. It is a great site that Sir Laz and aydeen told me about :)

I liked A Knight's Tale...Heath Ledger was hot and also Rufus Sewell...yummy....but women...all of them in that movie I drooled over just as much ~ Shannyn Sossamon, Bérénice Bejo, Laura Fraser. I thought I was going to hate the rock music in it...but I loved it!

There is always movies that I like just Almost Famous. I love that movie. I could watch it over and over. And not that it had a message in it that I related to or experience that I did. I just liked it. A Knight's Tale kind of falls in that same category.

I signed on today and read the news. I started to get annoyed with some things I was reading and almost started to write Sir Nick about them, but then stopped because I decided he did not need to be hearing those things right now. I actually think one day we might have an interesting talk about politics. It will be hard for me though and that might sound strange. It will be hard for me to have with him. Because I know some of his views and I have felt mine alter already...slightly...after listening to some of his. And sooooo it will be hard to stick to what I have always believed in. Now, I am not saying I do not need some new views, I Kam tells me all the time if we had a danae USA...everyone would end up dead. I would have everyone holding hands and singing and dancing and picking flowers in the meadow. And then as Kam says, when the big bad neighbors decide they want something we have they will just come and gun us down and take it...because I would not have anyone that was equip to defend us....because you know I like to see the world is full of love and peace that we really all do want to love each other and not fight. So why would someone want to come in and gun us down? lol

But back to more serious…a quote that Mistress DM has on her website….I have not read this book yet. But feel this quote is good after reading all the news I did today.

Tragedies do happen. We can discover the reason, blame others, imagine how different our lives would be had they not occurred. But none of that is important: they did occur, and so be it. From there onward we must put aside the fear that they awoke in us and begin to rebuild. --Paulo Coehlo, The Fifth Mountain

Mistress DM has a discussion group for all of her friends. And there was a post recently that asked for four adjectives that describe you and why. Well, I did the 4 adjectives. Just did not do the whys...still kind of thinking on them. The 4 adjectives I used were passionate, loving, neurotic, and distant. There were so many other words I could have used. It was hard to just chose 4. Others that I thought of....complex, intense (passionate also goes along with that though for me), lost, scared, masochistic, wimpy, girly, strong, confused, indecisive, control freak, creative, artistic, loyal, shy, emotional, and compassionate. So see it was hard to chose lol

Some BDSM topic floating around my head. Humiliation. I was trying to think of the most humiliating moment a Dominant has done to me. I can't think of it. Weird huh?

Obedience being tested. Is it something that is okay? I guess what I was thinking of is that I often test. I am at times not even aware I am doing it and other times I know I am...anyway I test. And I was reading where a Dominant tested his submissive obedience periodically by putting things out there that she normally is against to test her obedience with. Then it made me think...wonder if dominants test like submissives do. Is it just a relationship thing?

Feeling of being used. That topic came up on a discussion list not to long ago. I was reading the answer of someone I know. It was a good answer. Which I might ask the author if I can post here.

Anyway got me thinking….I crave at pain, I crave intimacy - softness, kissing, I crave to be fucked, I crave to be used, I crave to submit, I crave to please.....

All those things when I do them…. satisfy things in me. Almost all of them are an emotional, mental and physical need but the emotional satisfaction from them probably more important. I cannot experience the emotional though on most of them without the physical. I need to feel the pain....when I crave pain. Feel his hands on me and the look in his eyes….the whole experience. I have had emotional and mental orgasms that have been better then any physical. I have had pain and not any sexual stimulus that created more powerful orgasm – whole spectrum – emotional, mental and physical. I have had pain and not had an orgasm at all but it was better then an orgasm the whole experience.

I was talking to SM today about the guy I played with a little while back. He said he just wants to "get his rocks off". And it is true. He said you need more then that. What he said I needed...still is echoing in me. But back to that conversation...after I played with the sadist....during it the emotions that happened. Could not have happened that way if I would have known the man...more. Like if Nick or SM or even Mistress DM did those things to me...I could not have handled it as well that strange? I mean if I were looking up at Nick as he punched my feelings would be different. And not necessarily bad or worse but different.

The post on being used...this person describes if her Master was just bending her over and uses her.....Well wouldn't the feeling - of being used - be MORE if it were someone she did not know as well? Wouldn't it give you the feeling of being used more then someone who cares?

Okay all that being said I still want that person that cares for me in my use me, to give me pain, to hurt me physically, to humiliate me, to allow me to serve and please him.

My headache is starting to come back again...ugghh so going to log off and watch another movie...


Friday, October 12, 2001

Closeness....missing him...


Interesting how things.....are now.....

So much has happened in the last year. It is almost surreal to think of all the changes and thing that have happened.

Tonight, Thursday 10/11...I had 4 different men ask me to dinner. I turned them all down and went with Kam. It is strange. It felt so weird. I could have said yes to any of them and had a nice time and been paid attention to and even maybe had sex lol But I turned them all down.

How come when I am not looking for anyone I get 4 men to ask me out and when I am looking I can't find one lol

Just as I was suppose to go to dinner with Kam, I opened my email box to find an email from Sir Rob. We had a few of them back and forth over the evening. They were not fun. Not sure what is going on there.

What I want....has nothing to do with attention....What I want is an intimate meaningful relationship. I think we all want that, but it is not really attention that I want. Attention is like what booze is to some. It numbs whatever the real problem that it does not hurt so much. Attention is an addiction to some and I actually had been thinking about it for a few days thinking maybe it was for me also. But I do not believe it is an addiction for me. So attention covers up that pain of what I am really wanting and that is love and intimacy...something long term 24/7.

Because if it was really just attention I wanted...I could have that. If I did not want be alone, I have people I can call so that I am not alone. But it would not matter right now if I were with someone, because I would still feel alone. Because the feeling that I am wanting I will not get from just being around people. The thing I need will not just happen with calling someone up and saying lets get together tonight. I want love and intimacy. And that is not something I am going to get over dinner with Di or another friend. (Not that I do not enjoy having dinner with friends and hanging out with friends...I like it a lot.)

I chatted with Sir Nick online the other day for a very short time. I want to spend time talking with him and then I had him there with me and I did not know what to say. It was hard....distant. I told him I missed him and he said something teasing me. And I took it wrong. Not that I took it wrong really but I wished so much in that moment that he had said, "I miss you too and it will be okay." I needed to hear that so much. I feel myself pulling away from him. And I know it is because I having a hard time with this....the lack of contact....quality contact. I have not written him 2 nights in a row. The other day was the first time really I wanted to fight him. I wanted to be sarcastic and it was not because he deserves that or was being mean to me it was because I was hurting and did not know how to handle it and that is the way I have in the past. I did not fight him. I tried to remain very even and just chat with him as I miss him and I do appreciate every moment I get with him online and the phone even when I can't figure out what to say.

Nick knows who I chat with and where I stand with each person. And more importantly where he stands. The last month I had slowly been saying, thank you for chatting with me but I need to focus on Nick and myself...and those are my priorities right now. Some have said to me well if it does not work out with Nick contact me and left me alone. Some have said well we can just be friends and chat still...all the while still trying to "convince" me that they are the better choice for me. Some I care about a lot and hope to still be friends with, but understand if they cannot...Sir Rob is one of those people. SM....well, he basically slowly distanced himself with my life....for several reasons, but we still chat every once in a great while. He is also someone I care about a lot and hope to always have some kind of contact with. But others really they are there for attention...the quick fix I need to cover up the pain in that moment. And I have as I said thrown those life preservers out. Some just keep hanging around lol I am slowly putting them on ignore/block. Keep in mind this above paragraph deals with strictly men in my life who wants to date me or own me. This does not include friends. I want my friends in my life always :) I am not cutting them out.

Starting writing right now 10/12....

Today I signed online for a few moments today and SM was there. I had not seen him online in a while. We chatted. It was a nice conversation. He said some things to me that I needed to was nice to hear them. He seemed good and I was happy about that:)

Tonight, scared of what will the world.....with me.


Who Is....

I just was sitting thinking that people are probably reading this journal and wondering who people are.....

Well, I am going to do a who is list....this list is not in any certain order....first part of list is people who I mention quite a bit...daily to weekly.

I am sure you will see throughout this I do not say cared or loved. I say love and care no matter when they were in my life because I never just "get over" feelings. I love for a lifetime. I love unconditionally. I care for always

Di – She is my best friend. We are real life friends. I meet her here in Cleveland – 3 years ago Nov 6th (her Birthday). She has been with me through all the good and bad times. I remember her bring me to the lake the first time, I remember her standing in my kitchen while I cried going through one of the most horrible times in my life and she was there for me. And I remember us being so excited talking about one of my love interests right after she met him. She is a true friend and I am very lucky to have her in my life. Di is a wonderful Mom and PERSON. She is very pretty and sexy (even though she will deny it). She is smart, funny and compassionate. She is person who has many talents and lots of potential that she does not see, yet. I hope that someday she lets someone in enough to show her all that is there. She is going through a lot and sometimes I do not feel like I am there for her enough.

Kam – I am not sure how to describe Kam. He is a very good man. I live with him but we are not in long term relationship…I guess is one way to describe it. We are best friends, occasional lovers; he at times is my Daddy (not biological). He was my Master for 2 years, but are not in a M/s relationship anymore. In this journal I refer to him as Kam now, but in the past he has been known as Daddy. He is very wise about D/s. He sees a bigger picture (more then a lot of Dominants that I have come across). He looks to see how things will affect the submissive, because if you damage the submissive then you will not have a toy to play with. I love him because he is strong in his beliefs, values, ethics, integrity and honor.

Mistress DM – hmmm what do I say about her…She is very wise. She has been here for me a lot. She guides me and helps me when things are jumbled up for me. She seems to know what I am thinking...even when I am having trouble explaining it or getting it out. She can get in my head easily. She is a female Dominant and probably knows more about how my submissive mindset works then anyone. She has incredible way of expressing herself – she can take a hard topics or issue and say it with just the *right* words. I will ramble and vent then afterwards she can sum up the heart of the issue in one line that is very meaningful, but so clear and concise. Anyway I respect her very much and appreciate that she is in my life. I love her and hope that we will always be….together.

Morgan - she was the love of my life. She and I were involved when I was 18/19. I met her when I went away to college. She was incredible! She was talented and full of passion....I have so much I want to say about her and so much I could say about her but right now it is mine and all to personal. She is not alive. She died while I was involved with her when I was 19. And I will always love her.

Nick - Sir Nick....I am not sure what to say about him. I refer to him in my journal mostly as Sir Nick but sometimes as Sir and sometimes-just Nick. He is someone I have not met real life yet. He is intelligent, strong, funny, and very special to me. I care about him a lot. He is silly and just Nick and he is Sir - sadistic and Dominant, and he at times feels like Master - compelling me to submit and guiding me to see things I need to see. He is kind and compassionate as well as evil and sadistic. He seems to want to understand me. Which is oh so very important. He gets it most of the time which is also very important. We started talking August 9th online. We chatted about 4 to 6 hours a day for a month and then his work became very busy and he has not had much time to chat as of late. He told me that day that he knew it would start getting busy that I was not going to be forgotten and that he cared for me. That meant a lot and I keep trying to hang on to that to get through this hard time. I hope to be able to meet him soon. But it will just depend on what goes on with his work.

There are people in my life who are good friends and I care about....that I mention sometimes but not daily...or even weekly....

A - a local Dominant who is married and I am friends with online only so far. He can dominate me and I have fun fighting him lol He is fun. He is like my “down time” at times....just to have fun and chat with. I have thought about him being a good play partner. But I am not sure that is anything I need to add to my life right now.

Danny - Someone from my old world in Kansas. He is someone I care about deeply. If I would have gotten involved with him as more then friends, I would have fallen in love with him. I remember calling him to tell him that I was not able to deal with life anymore. He was very good to me and for me. He made me feel like a woman again without even touching me physically touching me.

Honeyrose – I love her very much. I always will and hope that we are always a part of each other lives. She is beautiful. She had to move out of the US for her job. I went to see her in March and April 2001. That is when things changed for us. I still care for her and love her and if she called me and said I need you I would be there for her, always. She is married to GZ and has a son.

Jackie – she is someone that I love. We were in a relationship. She was also involved with Kam. She was his "little girl" and my sister and girlfriend. If it would have been a different time in our lives, it might have worked. She has hurt me a lot. And I am not even sure how to deal with the last thing that was done. Not sure I am going to. I miss her and wished that things could be different. I wanted things to forward with us. I will always love her and care about her.

Jim - my ex husband. hmm what should I say about him? LOL We met when I was 18. We dated for 6 years and were marred for 7 years. No children. Just our dog. I love Jim. We just basically are not together because we want different things from life. I miss him at times but also remember why I left.

JJ - she is a feisty sexy redhead. She is a good friend...sometime think of her as more then a "friend." I think she is great, we have fun together, and she has been there for me several times when I really needed her. She is good at her hobby of analyzing people.

Lisa - a friend who I have met through one of the local BDSM groups. She is submissive. Her and my beliefs - how we are as submissive are very similar. I really like her and her husband's relationship and hope to have that level - of intimacy and trust with someone.

Moni – I meet Moni because she came up to introduce herself to me after I gave a speech at SMART on living as a 24/7 slave. I saw in her eyes then that we would understand each other sometimes without even speaking words. She is submissive and also Tops. I have seen her grow as person, submissive and now Top in the time I have known her and I really am very proud of all the work she does to keep moving forward – growing and learning more about herself. She is very non- judgmental and loves easily (just like me). She feels the pain of her friends and feels their joys too. She is empathetic. She has also been here for me a lot when I needed her love, strength, and support. Moni is engaged to be married to Michael.

Sir Laz and aydeen - they are a couple I went to visit over a year ago and spent some time see how it would work. They wanted to explore poly. They are GREAT and I had a very nice time. I learned a lot about myself by staying with them and I am very grateful for all they did for me and that we still keep in touch. Not as much as I would like at times but I think of them OFTEN.

Sir Rob - He and I knew each other a year ago. We were at that time moving towards getting to know each other and maybe him owning me. He then disappeared. I now know why and suspected why then. He came back into my life shortly after I felt I wanted to devote my time to Nick. Sir Rob and I have similar interests D/s wise and vanilla. We still chat. I care about him a lot. And probably could say a lot more about him, but will leave it at that for now.

SJ – she is a wonderful woman/mom/friend/submissive. She is very spiritual. She is an intuitive, sensitive, sensual, passionate woman. She listens and sees. She is the type of person that when she does not see the path she is suppose to go she just trusts that it will be shown to her. She has strength, faith and courage that are amazing. She is someone I care about...even when we are not in close contact.

SM - he is someone I met right after Todd and I broke up. He is a Dominant. He and I clicked. We have LOTS of the same desires. He seems to understand me. But timing…of course has been off. When Sir Nick and I first started talking he asked me about his competition…at that time even though SM had given me “work is very busy and I do not have time to pursue things with you” speech. SM still was Nick’s competition.

Todd - He is a man that I was involved with who was an illusion. He has also been known as Aslan in my journal. There is lots I could say about him, but I am not going to. I loved him….unfortunately he did not care for me or love me. His loss.

Other people that I have talked about in my journal and some I still times….

Dale - my first Dominant after I left my marriage. Todd actually had things about him that reminded me of Dale. He was strict and caring also. But must more sadistic then Todd, well maybe not, but Dale accepted that he was sadistic and needed it and Todd was scared of it.

Don - He is someone I was involved with when I was 18. He was very cruel and sadistic. I am lucky I am alive. I was owned by him and in a BDSM relationship with him but I did not even know there was a name for what we were doing. He also did things that he should not have......but I look back at that time very differently then I did 7 years ago. I have turned a negative into a positive....look at I am who I am today and exploring life as submissive because of him.

E - someone I have known for a little over a year. She is very much like me and it is scary lol She is very sexy!

M - someone I know that I kind of saw every once in a while. We are still friends. He is cool and I had some fun with him.

Sir - He is a Dominant that I was involved with from Feb to July (I think). We played together and helped me see that I wanted to be submissive still. He is someone that I cared about a lot.

I am lucky to have so many good friends!

These people are people who have or do impact my life. Some more then others...some that have left their mark on me forever. I am the person I am because of my experiences and part of the experiences I have in my life.....are from the people involved in my life.

It has been a pretty good life :)


Thursday, October 11, 2001

A month ago.....

I was working and did not hear about the attack until about 2 hours after it happened. Sir Nick called me right after I found out. He was the one to tell me about it....

I am glad I heard it from him.

So much has happened in that month and yet things are so much the same too. I mean we are all going on. I know I am...but underneath it is still there I guess.

I want to say more but there is so much going on in my head.....


Wednesday, October 10, 2001

Good Night

I should probably write tonight but I just do not feel like it.

So going to go watch TV.....maybe I will get some sleep.....

good night...


Tuesday, October 09, 2001


Written 10/8 (could not get to blogger to update until now)

Music: Michelle Branch ~ The Spirit Room

Mistress DM ims me after I posted my blogger yesterday.....saying it is a cry for help. I guess I know it is a downer lol

She is always there for me even when I have been a big pain. I am sure she has wanted to scream some sense into me more then once. She wrote in her journal that she is sure I wonder why she puts up with me. Oh yes I have thought that MANY times!

Anyway....back to her and my conversation last night....I said in my blogger that it felt like nothing after I wrote all that...but yet i picked my mood as scared. If it was nothing why was I scared?

She believes my need for attention is my fear of being alone. Which I believe also.

The last paragraph she felt was a lot of Morgan in it. And reading it I can see where she sees that but what I see is more Nick in it.

We talked about various things and then.....

It came to this...

Mistress DM: you want another, harsher, reason for your need for attention?
DanaeWhispering: Sure Ma`am
Mistress DM: it distracts you from facing yourself. keeps you busy. if you can get enough people to say how wonderful and enticing you are, you won't have to face the fears and do something about them
DanaeWhispering: yes Ma`am

I have known that for a long time. I guess to me there has been lots of other BIGGER things that I needed to deal with before dealing with this. And now is the time. Nothing before it's time.....basically is my belief.

I am happy. I mean that must sound so strange reading this journal and hearing from this girl that writes these things that she is happy. I am happy. I am still missing things in my life but I am happy.

I write Nick every night telling him feelings and thoughts...daily life happenings. I told him because of the situation we are in right now....he is probably getting to know me for me a lot sooner then he would if we had kept going as we were. This way I just ramble and let out so much in my emails to him. I share fears and things I have deep inside me...passions and joys too.

A few weeks ago I felt that I was crossing the line talking with other dominants. And so he and I had a talk about. He was very understanding and very good at directing me. It has taken me sometime, but I have made lots of changes in just a few weeks that were hard to do. I got rid of a lot of my life preservers.

In one email I told him that he makes me want to be a better person. At times I think he nudges me in right directions by asking me "innocent" questions that make me think. And other times I get lectures from him lol I told him that I do not believe he is here to help make me change or make me happy. But he does open the shades I have on the window of my condo on de nile and allow me to see things I have been missing. And whether it is him pulling at the shade or showing me the shade is there...either way...I am seeing things so differently then I have ever.

Todd wanted to fix me....fix the defect so that I would stop being submissive. I think he felt I used my submission as crutch. Or that I was submissive because of things that happened to me. He then realized nope this is who she is and then really did not know what to do with me lol

Nick knows and appreciates that I am submissive and wants to help me but does not want wish to "change" me.

Nick is not here. And that has been hard for me. When my needs were not getting met with Kam, I would stay up online talking to Dominants because I liked the attention. I even got very close with one Dominant and his submissive. It scares me that how caught up I got in the web. Anyway attention is like a quick fix for me. It is like an alcoholic with booze. It numbs the pain for a while. Attention numbs me so I do not feel the loneliness...the alone feeling.

So the last month actually I have started doing things so that....change that....I mean I am feeling the alone feeling but I am not "always" acting on it. I am still at times. I did not even realize I was working towards this until last week.

I still revert to some old behaviors and I do not like that. Yesterday, I did.....Self-destructive behavior ya know lol I knew afterwards - right away - what I had just done. And it pissed me off. And today when the same opportunity came up I said no.

It is so weird I throw out life preservers and I turn around to keep going forward and 3 more are there wanting to be one and it just gets hard to keep saying no and throwing them out. I can swim on my own. I can do this.

I know I am not doing it exactly the way Mistress DM thinks I should be, but I cannot let something that I feel is good pass me by. I can do both.

I feel there is so much more that I want to type. There is all these thoughts going through my mind right now but I am also thinking about Di LOTS. My thoughts will be with her all day on Tuesday.

Well, I better get to bed....

I had lots of sleep all weekend and then Sunday night I had 4 hours sleep and last night I had 5 hours sleep. So going back to not much sleep...and probably crash on the weekend again.


Sunday, October 07, 2001


I got an email from Sir Rob basically telling me he did not want to chat with me any longer because he felt it was "pointless." I took the letter more personally then I should have....I got hurt by it and reacted. He, because of our past, affects me at times in ways that I do not like to think about, because of how I feel about Sir Nick.

Anyway one thing he said in his email that hit a nerve with me: "You have so much and feel as if you have nothing."

It touches on something that I have been thinking about for a while.

So the other night I did something I have been wanting to do for week, but it took me this long to do. Also timing just has not seemed right. Mistress DM knows me probably better then anyone. She also will tell me how things are if I ask her and sometimes when I don't ask her :) She does not walk around subjects with me.

We had a conversation shortly after Todd had broke up with me. And in it she said that I do not ask for help. She asked me where I learned that it was not okay to ask for help. Good question. Anyway, Thursday night, she was online and so I messaged her and asked her....."How do I learn not to not want attention?"

Her first reaction...I understood but was hurt by at first. Because it had taken a lot of nerve to reach out and ask that question because it was me asking for help. And then I said to myself maybe she does not understand that. Her first reaction was that she has told me that answer more then once and said that I did not want to hear it now.

But she got it...that I was reaching out (even if it was during the season premiere of a TV show she had been waiting to see all summer). And she focused on me. :) I really appreciated it.

She had me define attention. I said someone paying attention to me. Talking to me. Focusing on me. I said for a month straight Sir Nick and I talked every night for hours on end and that was attention to me. I felt it was more then just me getting attention....but we have went from that to me talking to him every 2 days for about an hour.

Earlier in the conversation she asked me if that is why I feared being alone. But at the moment when I look reread the conversation I cannot find where that fits in to what we were talking about before that.

Anyway, I had told that I was not feeling alone really. I just wanted closeness with someone. That I wanted to feel that connection with Nick. I have had some attention from Nick. Yes, I would like more but this is how it is right now. And as I keep reminding myself and he does too - this will not be forever. I wanted to feel close to Nick and connected. And I really do not "want" that from anyone else, but him.

She told me that attention, close, connection are all the same thing just different levels, which I never looked at it that way.

I then asked her if Intimacy and Attention are the same thing....because what I really wish to have with Nick right now is intimacy. Which is hard to say because intimacy scares me.

The next words that Mistress DM said I did not like hearing.....

Mistress DM: how many in a row is that danae? in less than one calendar year?
DanaeWhispering: how many in a year what Ma`am?
Mistress DM: people that you wanted intimacy with that scared you to admit
Mistress DM: we're fact, you have others waiting in the wings so that when one of us gets too close and you have to back off or we prove incompatible, you already have someone else there
Mistress DM: I'm not trying to be mean or sound bitter. I'm just pointing out a pattern to you
DanaeWhispering: yes Ma`am
Mistress DM: your pattern is that you can't be alone. you have to feel crave intimacy, but it scared you because of past you keep seeking the reassurance and the intimacy, but you don't take the time to test the compatibility before jumping to the intimacy...and then you get burned or you get too scared....but that's okay, because if things blow up or fizz out with Nick you have what, three other doms you've mentioned in your blogger in the last two weeks? not to mention Kam who keeps wanting another chance and me who stays in your life
DanaeWhispering: yes Ma`am
Mistress DM: there's always the chance you'll find the right one...that he will drag you out of your pattern

It is true.

Parts I wanted to dispute or explain, but when I get down to it..even if there is reasons or things that I could explain more…the truth is this is how I am.

If it gets too scary....walk away/push away the one that I am with and....then I just turn around to next that usually is not far behind me because I feel it coming close so i bring someone else close to me. I hate that I do that. And it is not that I am really even aware at times I am doing it. And also I care about ALL the people in my life. I am not bringing them close to me just because.... I do not want to be alone or just want attention. I bring them close because there are things about them that I like.

I was thinking about attention that I got as child. My parents were always busy and did not give me a lot of attention. I would try to be a good girl and just fade in the background to make their life easier. I did things as a child though to get attention from others that make me cringe even when I think of them now. I often wonder if I did those things when I was 4 and that is why some of what happened happened.

Attention is kind of an acceptance to me. But intimacy is love and love scares me. Is that it? Attention is of course flattering. The local Dominant that told me he wished to possess me told me I was beautiful and said things I have not heard in a long time. That is not true. I hear it quite a bit but do not believe it ever. I at that time could not accept it but when I thought of his words later it made me feel good that he felt those things.

I want to know why this all started why I am like this why I have this ugly piece in me that does what it does....why am is it like that?

Atention attention where is it? why does it need me? flashing lights....fog....lost dreams....lonley hearts. starving craving loving missing you lots images fading to the back ground. tormoil todd...Nick normal surrender..... truth honor life worth living. shouting... screaming.... will stop. on knees for you.....fingers reaching out.....Soul touching your soul step back scared of touch scared you too will see what is inside really. scared you will not accept me and i will be alone again. stolen moments of peace missing you...tell me how to stop.....

I just wrote the above paragraph closing my eyes and just letting everything go and then typing what I thought.

I have not solved anything....

I feel as though I have wrote all this and it means nothing right now...


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