Thursday, August 29, 2002

I probably will not be posting a lot for the next couple of days. I have things to write about…but my mind is just not here enough to do so…as I have had a emotional couple of days….actually month.

I was thinking about that last night…about how many weeks it has felt I was on a roller coaster….and that I am ready for this ride to slow down.

I can’t wait to sleep…again.
LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): You are still in deep thought about where you are in life and where you are going. Over these next weeks, your energy will continue to run deep and this can present some problems for you. You may not express your aggression directly, so others may not know what’s really going on for you. You may avoid direct confrontations. In fact, you may even feel like going into hiding. The key here is to not let your ego run the show. It’s not about recognition now. It’s about doing the work behind the scenes and getting ready for what comes later this fall.

Wednesday, August 28, 2002

LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): You may get some value by looking back in your life at past events as you try to untangle the present situations. You are in a more pensive mood than you have been. You really want to be fair about it all, so you talk it out with friends and listen to what they say. It may be difficult (as it often is for you) to come to a final decision, but if you base your actions on simplified facts on hand, you’ll do okay.

Tuesday, August 27, 2002

I am still not feeling well today. I woke up with a migraine again. And I have thrown up once. So, I am not a happy camper. I still have things I need to do this week to be fully moved out and being sick is throwing my schedule off.

I am sitting here thinking of the things I need to do and not feeling well. And getting a little overwhelmed. : (

I should probably write about what is going on in my head but…right now with feeling sick. I just don’t feel like writing. So, just a post to say I am alive. I am still in the process of moving. I am still here.

Monday, August 26, 2002

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing. - Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Life is a compromise of what your ego wants to do, what experience tells you to do, and what your nerves let you do. - Bruce Crampton
Music: No Music....silence...headache all day
Rune: Berkana ~ Growth/Rebirth - Reversed of course lol

Today I woke up angry...with a migraine and just not feeling well and as the day went just got worse. I threw up several times. And have to of course eat with the migraine medicine. And so it was hard to keep it down.

The tonight I was on the edge of getting in trouble and I was not letting anger come out in other ways tonight and was so proud that I was not taking it out on him. And then, I still got in trouble. Takes talent to do that huh? lol

I am really bad about explaining before answering a question. It is funny because slaves in training in the Market Place books get in trouble for that one and when I would read that I would think...about I would be getting in trouble for that. And I had been getting better about it for a short time and now I am doing it again.

I don't want to hurt Kam. I have already hurt him enough. And I know him very well. I know what will hurt and what won't. I know how he has been with my past relationships. Men who have had control of me while I was with him still, he does not react well to. He does not like to hear about them, talk about them, know anything about the control...he prefers to pretend they are not there. Not that he would be try to pressure me to do something against what they want but he just does not act like they are their in my life. I know how he reacts to others having control of me.

So now...I get to add one more thing to grieve about because Monseigneur E and I disagree.

Tonight I am beating up on myself. I can't talk about this anymore. I have cried like every 15 mins now for the last 2 hours. I should not have any tears left.

When we look into our own hearts and begin to discover what is confused and what is brilliant, what is bitter and what is sweet, it isn't just ourselves that we're discovering. We're discovering the universe. - Pema Chodron

Sunday, August 25, 2002


Well, end of a long hard day. I have a few more hard days coming. But then…the beginning of the end…

It is the beginning of the end. End of this chapter. I have been crying lots today of course.

There are so many feelings and thoughts flying through my mind. My body is so tired and all I want is for my mind to be as tired as my body. I feel aches in places I forgot I could ache LOL

I stopped writing to eat take out Chinese food…it is one of my favorites.

This week seems like it is going to be so long and hard…

I am saying the same things over and over…so I suppose it is time to just stop writing.

Sunday Op-Ed

1. Blood What is something that a whip can draw? What is something that a cane can draw too?

Oh how it would be nice to be…having blood drawn right now.

2. Sweat What everyone did in moving me today?

Today I think we all were sweating. The guys mostly though.

3. Tears What I had bouts of several times today?

I broke down in tears several times today. It is getting harder and harder….

Now I am ready for a hot shower.

Saturday, August 24, 2002

Moving Soon

Music: Music Choice TV - Progressive
Rune: Othila ~ Separation/Retreat/Inheritance - Reversed (I always get reversed Runes lol)

Well, of course I was sick last night and I have a sinus infection on top of getting sick last night...I have not went to the doctor for it but I get them often. I keep meaning to ask the doctor if there is such thing is as chronic sinus infections because I really do get one almost every 8 to 12 weeks. It just sucks lol I mean right now I just have sinus pain and full sinus so I am blowing my nose lots. I am glad though my stomach feels better today. Now just normal nerves for me...because of moving.

I move tomorrow major stuff over to Lisa's. I am very very lucky to have such good friends....because Lisa and her husband have been awesome. They really saved me this week a couple different time.

It has been a hard week for Kam and I but he is doing great. He has really been Daddy all the way. He has been here for me when I break down into tears...and when I look around and get overwhelmed. I am really really lucky to have had him here this week. I love him so much and it is hurting think of not seeing him again. I guess part of me feels I will see him again..but I try not to hang on to that...just in case. I will worry about him on the road.

I still have lots of stuff even though my pile to give away has really grown LOL There are some things I know I should throw out or give away that I have not. I just can't. I have letters from Dale, Jim, Kam, and others in my past. I hang on to it all. Yes, much how I do with all of my past.....I hang on to it.

I have let go of a lot since starting to pack. It is so weird.....almost as soon as Monseigneur E took control I saw 34 year old woman. Not the 18 year old. The 18 year old has really faded....over the last 3 years. But when I closed my eyes that is who I still saw so much. But I have not seen her in a while....

Okay now I am crying over that LOL My period and moving such a good mix! LOL

I meditated last night after I woke up with a nightmare (at 3:30am) helped me sleep I feel. I slept then until 9:30am. That is probably the most sleep I have had in a while.

I look around and see I feel so much still to do. clothes I have not packed at all. And anyone that knows me know how many clothes I have LOL

I forgot things that I will have to move like filing cabinet, exercise bike, a shelving unit that breaks down but I forgot. Also my art....I need to be careful where I put that....Kam had a good idea of wrapping it in the plastic sheets I have for wax play. All my records too...I almost forgot about. Really nice cookware stuff my Mom gave me like really nice cookie sheets and a cheesecake pan. Just weird

I am babbling....

I better get back to work...just took a break because I had taken a shower and was drip drying.

Friday, August 23, 2002


Overcoming attachment does not mean becoming cold and indifferent. On the contrary, it means learning to have relaxed control over our mind through understanding the real causes of happiness and fulfillment, and this enables us to enjoy life more and suffer less. -Kathleen McDonald, "How to Meditate"

more natural and easy

Music: Eurythmics ~ Greatest Hits
Rune: Fehu ~ Possessions/Nourishment - Reversed

I am not being as productive today as I would like which means tonight and tomorrow… I will have to get my butt in gear.

Kam and I just got done having a long talk…some reminiscing of the past. We talked about the Daddy/little girl thing. He has felt so much like Daddy lately and he said he has purposely been doing that as he has felt it and wants our last week together to be good. He has really been here for me and I appreciate it so much. It seems so strange to think about that week before I went to Memphis how hard it was…and now is so different. He really has been great!

Last night Linda and I had a talk about why I was having problems trusting and opening up to Monseigneur E and after that talk…I decided it was time to let go of the fears and just have faith in him. And just being able to do tha t - give him that faith and let go of the fears - has already shown lots of changes. He noticed. And when he said he noticed, that helped me to continue opening up, because I knew he was "hearing" me.

I wrote him 2 emails last night and then we talked quite a bit today. It felt more natural and easy. I am not saying all the fears are gone and I am suddenly able to open up…it still was and is hard. But did seem easier as time went on.

We talked about a lot of things that I actually did not expect to be talking about…and I told him things that to me seemed not something I “needed” to share with him but after I would share those things he would say something about it being good that shared that with him. So, I had been thinking there were things I should not or did not need to share that now I see are things he wants to know. What is also strange…is I did not question why those things were important for him to know. He just said he was glad I told him those things and I accepted it. Yeah ME! LOL Believe me I am giving me a pat on the back…because just accepting even something small these days seems like a huge thing.

He also flipped the slut switch on again. I had kind of turned it off on Sunday after things that happened last weekend. And then with the anger and such I turned it on…which is kind of weird because normally anger turns me on. I mean I get very horny when angry…but this time I did not. I was worried because I had turned it off it might take some work to turn it back on but I was proven wrong on that…I was instantly turned on. Oh well I am easy right?

Not really I am not. Even though it probably seems like it at times lol

I talked with Nick on last night. We talked about some of his past...I was so happy to have him share with me. I am glad he trusts me enough to talk about it. We had a good convo and I felt really good and peaceful so that I could get back to sleep.

I talked to Monseigneur E about one reason I don’t call him. And it comes down to his schedule. I know his sleeping pattern is…because of his schedule is…kind of off; so I feel I should not “bother” him. I was told today call if I need to call. And I am trying to accept that I can…but right now I am still feel that feeling of I don’t want to disturb him.

There are lots of things I want to write about but I really need to get busy. So maybe later…

Thursday, August 22, 2002

Putting Him First

I just don't feel in that writing mood. I had an interesting talk via an email with someone and then also with Linda yesterday that I would like to write about but my brain just is...not focused on one thing is...I know I am confusing as usual. Right now my BIG proirity is to get things to move out on Saturday and it seems when I look around still lots to do and then other times it does not. And that is my main focus.

I told Monseigneur E that right now I feel I am putting me first. That I am not putting him first...and it has bothered me. I think about things and go is this going to be a good path for me? Is this what is best for me? And I have done that in the past but not to this degree. And I am very scared. I do things not because I know it is what he wants...but because I feel I need to for me.

When I was angry at him, I talked to him not for him, but for me. Because closing off and walking away would have been bad for me.

I did something for him the other day that I am not sure...I am happy I did now. But it felt like the right thing as "slave."(cringing as type that word) I cringe because of course I am going through that phase of there is no way in hell I am slave.  Not with the things that were on the tip of my tongue....and ready to say to Monseigneur E on Monday.

I guess I will write more when I feel the words can come out. Getting back to work now.

Wednesday, August 21, 2002

Easy or Hard

I feel…

Frustrated at the moment. I was up early and have accomplished a lot already even though I have I feel so much more to do. But the reason I feel frustrated because it is just so hard to open up....

I am going to do that thing I do every once in a while…

Compare…I know not the best thing to do but I am trying to figure out something…

When I talk to Nick…it is so easy. He makes me want to open up to him. He compels me to just open up and share everything. I feel very free to do that. I feel close and safe to him after I share. I feel he is giving me feedback. I feel he is sharing…back.

When I talk to Monseigneur E that is not the same…it seems hard. I do feel safe to open up.

I just talked to Monseigneur E about some of this and he shared his reason with me. And I understand what he means. But…it seems like more then that to me.

When I was in Memphis I felt the process of submitting more. I felt that I was reacting to the control. But that it was part of the process. Then I am in Cleveland…and I am stressed and I don’t feel that reactance. I don’t feel the process at all either. In a conversation Monseigneur E and I had yesterday, I said I was talking to him as a woman. And he does not go in and out of a role. And basically there is not room in our relationship for that either. I don’t see myself out of the role either. But I do see myself as all these different parts…the woman, the daughter, the friends…and the submissive. All are meshed together…each affects the other part. Just because I am sharing with him, as woman does not mean I am not submissive to him. I just feel that outward…high protocol D/s is not there in that moment. To me it is just a lower level of protocol when I am sharing with him as woman. And if he were to share with me as a man. It would not mean he was not my Dominant in it.

I guess I feel a lower level of protocol now…in Cleveland. But it is scaring me as I am getting way to comfortable in it.

I did a speech on living 24/7 and the different levels of protocol. It was based on some of the teachings of The Estate. Laura Antoniou even talked about them too. She was totally impressed by the slaves.

Anyway, I am floundering…

I feel alone. And I part of me hears Monseigneur E saying that I am doing it to myself. But I feel I have reached out for help many times…

So only conclusion I can come to is....I am not doing it the right way. But I want to

Tuesday, August 20, 2002

Different Pages

I feel right now I am trying to open up and talk to Monseigneur E but I get to a certain point and then I take the step back over my side of the door. And I don’t trust and so I close up.

He told me today he had 2 choices….when I told him today I wanted to turn off. And he does. I did not expect him to say anything really. I knew how he would handle it before he said. But I have 2 choices too…I can keep trying to open up or I do whatever he wants. The first is what I am doing…the best I can with right now.

I think he believes making a conscious choice to turning off and pulling away would more agonizing then what is happening right now. I disagree. Right now I feel I am doing work to open up, but I am not learning how…and that agony and frustration are making me pull back and draining me.

I am trying to find an analogy to use….but of course nothing is coming to mind. I just feel it takes trust to open up and I am not….feeling I am being given….something to trust. I am know I am not explaining this well. I need to learn to trust him….and the only way I can see is sharing of info and with that sharing…I learn to trust him. And I don’t feel like it is sharing. I feel like I am suppose to open up spill everything out and just keep going.

And I don’t know if I can trust. I don’t know if the info will be used against me. I don’t know I won’t be hurt. And I don’t feel I am getting any help to learn that those things won’t happen.

I mean the more and more….I get to point of going this is just a “visit.” Not a trial. Just a visit. Because I am *trying* and I feel very alone in trying right now.

We talked on the phone today. I am not sure it was a good conversation. I feel like our communication is on different pages all the time. And I want to be on the same page….I feel I try and then I start slip off the page....and he is standing there watching.

He shared lots of his opinions of me today. None of them very flattering. But he is telling me things I don’t think that I need to hear right now. And then he asked me a question that was one of those that I needed to open up on. So I talked….and there would be silence. And so I would say more and then silence. And then say more and silence. And then I got to that point inside where I could not do it anymore because my red flags were going off don’t trust…don’t open up anymore. And so I would feel like I take that step back over my side of the door way again. And here I just opened up gave all this info and feel very unsafe that I did that.


Last night I did not sleep well at all...of course....I know surprise surprise. I woke Kam up with nightmares. And then the 2nd set of them....were the worst...things from childhood and then Don. I could not get calmed down and back to I called Nick. He answered the phone..."you are having nightmares?" We chatted about what was going on and then his classes. He made me laugh and get my mind off things and I went back to sleep for a few hours.

I feel the roller coaster ride that I was on yesterday and better part of today is coming down. My emotions are more even.

I understand what he meant when he said what he did. I don't agree with it still. But I understand it. I feel he was seeing my point of view also. And that mattered to me.

I thought I had all my emotions and thoughts of Don all dealt with and stored away and one comment sent me spinning into flashbacks and nightmares. That frustrates me to no end.

So, now I worry about a couple things....that something will happen to trigger it. And that anyone I am with will worry about it. I remember after I told Jim about Don and some of the things he did. Jim stopped touching me. And when I would make sexual advances he would be confused...and back off. He could not understand WHY I wanted sex.

I do want all I say and all the things I have done in the past. I just am a little nervous now if it triggers emotional response that is directly related to things with Don. I don't want Monseigneur E...or even Nick to hold back and be cautious...or stop and leave. The last is of course the greatest fear.

Monday, August 19, 2002


My anger is going up and down.

Resentments will build though and are I do realize there is something tonight I expect. Not support. Not agreement. But something else.

I am going to go on a little rant and please no one read into is me venting....

When I worked as co-facilitator of rape survivor groups....I saw lots of different women and all of their stories of what happened....different. How and why they got there where all different. But bottom line was none of them deserved what they got. Even if they put themselves in a position where it "could" happen....where it was probable....they still in my opinion did not deserve it.

That to like saying....I got in a car accident and I deserved it because you know...I got in the car. I mean it is probable to get in an accident. I mean we all might as well start...stop living life if we might have something happen.

I trust people. I am naive at times. I admit that fully. But for all the naivety in me...I would not trade it to...put more walls up. I have enough of those up as is....

I have reached out. The door is not closed. But to me it takes two.

I just flashed to something that happened with my business and someone else said something similar....about "you put yourself at risk you must have to expect it could happen"

You know what....NO I DON'T. I do not expect anyone to act anything less then his or her best. My naivety at it's best huh? I should have gotten already that people don't have the courage to do the right thing. Please look at what Di did. *rolls eyes*

My anger level rising again.

Since being back from Memphis...I am on an emotional roller coaster. And I do not like this at all. Life...was smoother.

Despite what others think...moving is stressful for me. Leaving Kam is stressful. Despite....having ups and downs with him for 4 years...I love him. And he is still my Daddy. And it is hurting so much to know that I am losing my Daddy. I hate saying it out loud. I have not been...I have not even admitted he was Daddy still...really. It says it in my who's who...I put it becuase it was the first thing I thought and felt. And it is true but I skim past it fast. And he has actually been great...since I got back from Memphis. He was there for me when I was screaming last night. He has been here for me today when I had flashbacks. Why do I have to explain all the stress in my life? F*ck

Stress? What is stress?

Well, I think that tends to be a pretty personal thing. What stress' me...might not stress someone else.

Stresses in my life....have I caused them? yes for sure some of them I have. Is there some that are out of my control? yes for sure.

This weekend...I had something happen that kind of tainted my evening at SMART. I was out of it but not to the point of being unhealthy for me...which is a good thing. Today what happened seems to be affecting me even more. It started last night though. I had a rough night of sleeping. Nightmares.

I got a few things done this morning and then signed online to do mail. And ended up chatting....trying to open up and now I feel like I want to slam the door....put a big lock on it. I hate this feeling.......

I am angry right now. So angry....not angry like I was when Di told me about her and Todd. But angry and hurt because someone I was just starting to open up to said one of those things you don't say to someone who went through what I did. That is the first thing wrong with it. Then of course what he said....I did not agree with and still don't.

I don't even know what to be writing. I am just so mad that words don't even seem enough. I am very lucky I am not there or I would have lashed out. I backspaced LOTS! this morning.

Sunday, August 18, 2002

Laura Antoniou

I just wanted to write a post about last night…

Laura Antoniou is a very good speaker and just an all around wonderful woman. Her wife is very nice too…both of them just so friendly. I enjoyed meeting both of them so much. The whole experience was outstanding! I was so thrilled to hear her speak. To be around her.

And I will be a girly girl…she used my purple pen to sign everyone’s books! (jumping up and down clapping like I am 8 years old.) I was a fan of her before I read the books just from reading posts on a mailing list. And then I read an article where she talked about SSC. And my beliefs are similar to hers on it.

I have now read 2 ½ of her books. The depth of the service…in them to me is amazing. How does one achieve a level even close to it? There is not a Market one does not. But I do like the strength in the service, even though I don't think being neurotic and overly emotional is a quality they look for in a the MarketPlace.

My one question I wanted to ask her last night and did not but she answered.....I wanted to know if Chris Parker is based on her. She said in the talk she gave that all her characters are based on her.

On another note… I had a “friend” there (friend in quotes as I am using the term loosely)…that I had not seen in a while and took me by surprise. He is someone I have mentioned in my journals and has a who’s who but I am still kind of trying to put it in a place where my mind can wrap around it and just let see it and accept it so not naming him.

Birthday Wishes

Happy Birthday to Aydeen!

I love you and hope your Birthday is a dream come true! Wish I was there celebrating with you :)

Saturday, August 17, 2002


Horoscope for today.....With Laura Antoniou here tonight.....I think it kind of fits :)

It may be the weekend, but the work and education continue. Libra is hungry for motion and development. Call around or publish your discoveries on the Internet as soon as you have something new.

Friday, August 16, 2002

Friendship & Politics

Tonight has sucked......not much more I am going to say. Friendship and politics....

I will be happy when...the first half of my day is over....tomorrow. Not that second will be better. But oh well....I trying to keep in my mind on of my idols is here....and just soak in all she has to say.

I was reading more of the Trainer tonight and I drool over Chris Parker LOL :)

Sleeping Patterns

Rune: Thurisaz ~ Gateway/Place of Non-Action - Reversed

I am very tired today. My sleeping patterns are horrible right now. I just am having problems sleeping. No matter if I go to bed earlier or not. I went to bed about 12:30. I was going to go about 11:30 and then I got caught up in folding laundry while a movie was on HBO. Rockstar…I think it was called. Jennifer Aniston was in it. She looked good in the crocheted dress lol

When I did go to bed, I could not get to sleep until much later. I think about 2:30am. Then I woke up with a nightmare at 4:30. I then got back to sleep about 6am. And woke up with a nightmare about Todd at 8:30 am and then went back to sleep for an hour. So today is going to be a b*tch.

I did have a good dream last night though too about Linda…so that is good : )

I am getting nervous about meeting Laura Antoniou. I am going to be tongue-tied - no pun intended. I hope that I don’t fall over my words too much.

Yesterday I talked about a HE in my journal. The he was Monseigneur E. I needed his control very much. I needed the release too…that he gave me. I needed that down time to let go of everything. I am very thankful for it.

I have this week been thinking about Poly issues. I had 2nd half of my essay on Poly in this months SMART Newsletter. So, I decided to read over it again…since I have not probably since I wrote it…hmm 2 years ago. I think.

So there are poly things I need to discuss with Monseigneur E and Linda. Nothing major. I mean I think I know their views already but just want to make sure we are all on the same page.

Nick and I have been talking lots. And I am enjoying our conversation a lot because they are telling us a lot about each other that we did not know. I feel much closer to him in a way because of all this. Not that we will ever go about things this way again since now we are much better with our communication.

I need to get going…I have lots to do today. Lots to do before tomorrow.

Thursday, August 15, 2002

Great Day

Rune: Wunjo ~ Joy/Light - Reversed

Well my day has been really great! I talked to Katrina tonight and she told me that I sounded so much better then I had been. I accomplished more today then I have since I have been back from Memphis. I feel like very light…I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders…and not that those things are not still there but my focus is different. My mind is not spinning today like it had been. I had doubts and worries…just things pushing me down and I was sounding like I was dreading going to Monseigneur E’s and Linda’s and now…I am so motivated to get things moved and be able to visit them.

I know exactly what helped push me in the right direction and it was…that I felt His control today more then I have been. I have felt his hmmm concern (that is not exactly the word I am looking for) but he has been trying to take pressure off me. In doing that…I have emotionally felt…he was distancing himself from me. And today I felt more active control. That control compelled me to push myself more. It was not even push. It did not seem like work or pressure today. It was awesome.

It helped empty my mind. I get so stuck because everything is tangled and rushing…my mind is spinning out of control lately and today it felt empty.

Anyway, today felt really good…despite fighting off a migraine all day but that I think is due to my period coming.


I am wishing someone a Happy Birthday but not saying who as I am not sure how he would feel about it :) But is someone who has been a good friend to me...and I wish him a very Happy Birthday. Mooooooooo! :)

Wednesday, August 14, 2002


LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): You are still rocking on rough seas, but there is a brilliant light near the horizon that gives you hope. Communication has been tough, even frustrating. Perhaps unpleasant words have been exchanged, and you really don’t like anything to do with unpleasant. In fact, it may be your avoidance of the difficult issues that have made matters worse. Don’t give up. That beautiful light on the horizon is heading your way, but it will be best to meet it with your willingness to face the issues.

Children Books

Looked at yesterday's This-or-That....theme is children's books. I like children's books. I have some right now that I have bought as an adult...bought because of story has a message and mostly bought because of the illustrations. It is something I thought about for a long time I would like to do. But my art is not along the illustration line so to change it...would take so much time. And as my art is right now....non-existent...that would be hard to do.

1. Dr. Seuss characters: the Cat in the Hat or the Grinch?

The Cat in the Hat

2. "Anne of Green Gables" or "Little Women"?

Little Women

3. Nancy Drew or the Hardy Boys?

Both! But I guess if I have to pick one it would be the Hardy Boys.

4. Winnie the Pooh characters: Tigger or Eeyore?


5. Which author: Judy Blume or Beverly Cleary?

Judy books by both and enjoyed them but enjoyed Judy Blume more.

6. Roald Dahl books: "Charlie & the Chocolate Factory" (Willy Wonka) or "James & the Giant Peach"?

Charlie & the Chocolate Factory

7. "Harry Potter" or "The Wizard of Oz"?

The Wizard of Oz....I have not read any of the Harry Potter books.

8. Curious George or Madeline?

Both...but if picking one...Curious George

9. "A Wrinkle in Time" or "Little House on the Prairie"?

Little House on the Prairie (wondering where those books are...I think my sister might still have them.)

10. Dr. Seuss again: "Horton Hears a Who" or "The Lorax"?

I can't remember these...:(


Music: Ottmar Liebert ~ Nouveau Flamenco 1990-2000
Rune: Raido ~ Journey, Communication, Union, Reunion

I am putting off writing this morning. I know I need to. The Rune I pulled out of the bag fits this mornings feelings.

So, lets see if I can get into a good ramble lol

Sunday I spent most the day in planning meetings for SMART. Monday I spent running errands and paying bills and then had a date on Monday night. Tuesday I was up early and did not sleep well on Monday night. I was pretty much drained yesterday because of the lack of sleep. Then went to GNO (girl’s night out) last night and that was nice. We had some good discussions : )

I need to get packing done today but I also need to go run to Walmart and Kmart to return some stuff…with the credit get some more storage boxes. I also need to get quarters for laundry. I have so much laundry right now. I feel like the daily life stuff is really getting in the way of packing this week. I really need to devote tomorrow and Friday to it. Moni last night said something about Libra’s procrastinating. I do that so much. Kam has told me I do better when under pressure. Recently I was suppose to have dinner with someone. And I was putting it off because it is one of those that I like it once I am there but I dread it until that point. So, I put it off and put it off and then when I can’t anymore then it is like I say to myself…“well now you just HAVE to do it.” And so I just do it and it comes through great.

I do a similar thing with issues or big subjects I should be thinking about. Such as I wrote that I am not thinking about visiting Monseigneur E and Linda as much as I was…I psych myself out. So I have stopped thinking about it as much and then the last few days before I have to leave is when I will then start panicking about all the things I should have talked to Monseigneur E and Linda about before getting there.

I, of course, have concerns and thoughts floating around in the back of my mind that sometimes push to the front. Such as I wonder how Monseigneur E’s treatment of me while there will affect Linda and more importantly how it will affect her and my relationship. I have other things that are concerns Monseigneur E and I have already discussed but still float around in my head and that bothers me.

I opened up to Nick faster then I wanted but he also met me at a time when I was very vulnerable…because I was still feeling the effects of Todd breaking up and then very fresh wound of him moving away. So Nick got to see a very emotional danae right from the start. Instead of having to break down walls. I was in the midst of trying to put those walls back in place as he started getting to know me. So, he was inside the structure before I finished. They are back up in place.

When I had Monseigneur E in the friends category, I talked more openly then I do now, because I did not “feel” he was going to get inside my head and use those things against me. I know logically when I think about this and look at his relationship with Linda, I can see that I can trust him. But emotionally…I hold back. I get scared of the fact he will see something and say, “I don’t want to have you come visit.” And I know that insecurity is one that is hanging on from what I went through with Todd.

I told Monseigneur E probably my biggest deep dark skeleton in the closet and he did not react shocked or scared at all. So, I should logically be able to see nothing else is going to scare him. Last week when…it felt like my world crumbled away, Monseigneur E changed the plans. And logically I can say I understand that reason and it was good he is looking out for me and taking pressures off me. But there is this little teeny tiny voice that says he postponed it because of falling apart and he saw that side me and did not like it. Again logically I can dispel that thought and feeling.

I stopped writing for about 15 minutes was on the phone. Trying to get back in my rambling mode….

I feel this week…alone, scared, and tired…drained emotionally. I just want to be. Just not have to worry about the things I am and just live life again.

My I Ching reading last month said I would know the right time to move. And when I was in Memphis, I knew it. I knew when I came back I would have to move.

Everything just seems like it is on fast forward.

Moni said last night that I like issues. I don’t like chaos, but I usually do have an issue in my life I am dealing with. And I thought about what would it be like without an issue in my life? Interesting thought huh?

Right now though it does not feel like just issues…it feels like my life is chaotic. And I guess that is why I am floundering so right now. I have issues. I get through it. I have had chaos too but the last time life was really chaotic…the way I dealt with it was not a way that I will ever do again. I enjoy the silence I get now so much. I appreciate it. But right now things aren’t silent, but it is a different kind of noise then it was before. I do get some silence when I finally get things to slow down at night. It is just taking me longer to slow everything down right now.

I have friends that are hurting and have things going on with them and I want to help them all. I have all these obligations to people and organizations. Financial worries are of course stressing me. Being homeless is weighing on my mind. Issues with Kam, feelings for Nick, feelings and thoughts going through my mind about Monseigneur E and Linda. I feel like I am on roller coaster right now…and I want to get off of it. What I really want to do today is crawl into bed for a few days and get some sleep and ground myself…recharging my energy. I just feel right now everything depletes it so fast.

And when I get like this the questions and doubts start pushing their way in also. And right now I feel that prickle of stress…the tension shooting down my neck down through my back. And really I would like to be beat LOL and let out anger and tears. I want to scream at someone but that is not really fair lol I want to cry and have someone tell me everything is going to be okay.

Life was so calm…once upon a time. Lets hope it will be again soon.

Tuesday, August 13, 2002


This is going to be a quickie again. I am going to try to write more later tonight or tomorrow.

Today I am really getting excited about Laura Antoniou being here on Saturday.

I am not thinking about being at Monseigneur E’s and Linda’s right much as I had been....I just am too busy with my normal life here in Cleveland but also packing and such. I am not going to get done doing the things I needed to by Friday….and that sucks. But I hope to have majority of it done.

The house is a mess….and it is bothering me but right now I can’t do anything about it. It is going to get worse instead of better.

I talked to Nick last night and it was an interesting conversation. We talked about me being nothing and what that means to me. It is so hard to explain it. It feels like he is taking a more active role in my life…now that I am serving Monseigneur E. It is confusing for me. As I have such strong feelings for Nick. And when he touches on pushing those is hard to refuse him.

Just looked at the time….I need to go so I guess I will finish those thoughts up later. I am going to a girl’s night out. And I am looking forward to it.

Sunday, August 11, 2002

Active Life

Written Sunday 7pm

This weekend was busy for me as usual. Life in Cleveland just has fallen into its usual routine even with all the changes in my life going on…I am still very active in the community and with my friends. Which is something I don’t want to change. This week is going to be very busy for me. My goal is to get majority if packing, giving away, sorting, and organizing this week done. I want to by Thursday to have things all organized which I want to give away and have people come over anytime after that until I move and have my freebie market. Since Monseigneur E postponed my visit…my stress level has went down. I am still very stressed about getting it all done but having some extra time is making it a lesser stress. I was so overwhelmed last week it was hard to just pick one things and do it. I could not get my focus and now he helped me get it.

I miss talking to both Monseigneur E and Linda…after I have not for a while…I miss them. With Nick it is this craving in me that wants to talk to him daily even when I don’t get to. I told someone yesterday…I don’t have that with Monseigneur E yet. Well, I spoke too soon. I am actually craving to talk to both Monseigneur E and Linda. I have had some quick chats but since I have been back in Cleveland…I feel like I have not “talked” with them. I have chatted but not talked. So tonight I am missing Monseigneur E and Linda. : (

After hanging out with Katrina last night, I have lots of little things going through my mind. It is always good to share things with someone else. Katrina also understands so much of what I desire…so it is nice to be able to talk about those things. I told her things last night how he makes me feel and did while I was in Memphis. And those things made me feel the control and how much my life is going to change.

Written 12:40am - Monday

Well, I just came back from a good cry. I was upset and crying with things with Nick the other night. I have had some tears with things that have been happening these past weeks but I have not cried. And I am not sure that makes sense. I have not had that release of all the stress that is building and building…crying is often the way I do that. I had tears but not cried…I have not laid in my bed, hugging my pillow and cried. So, that is what I did tonight after Monseigneur E and Linda signed off. And I feel better but I feel like there is more there…unfortunately.

The crying tonight started because…of something specific. I felt internally…this wall come down. I am in a cautious mode right now…I feel like I am exposed…or more at risk right now to be exposed and hurt because I have so many changes going on. And I felt like something was vulnerable and I needed to batten the hatches down so to speak. I did not like that it was happening because I don‘t want it to happen. I want to be open with both Monseigneur E and Linda. So, that was one thing I was crying about because I was upset with myself for closing off. By the time Monseigneur E left I opened it up again though...some at least.

I am going to have to talk about the things I wrote in my offline journal this weekend. It just is opening me up. But I need to do that before I visit. I can’t get there like I am now…or things will go really slow.

Anyway…I am sorry I closed up. And I am going to work on not doing that again. Even though I think it is going to be something that I don’t even recognize until I am doing it. I did not realize it tonight right away.

Going to bed…this week is going to be full of long days. I need to get some sleep.

Saturday, August 10, 2002


When the perfect wisdom is first seen, a new perception comes into being that does not depend on any structure. The great quest of the seeker now blossoms as various vast and mysterious doors swing open at the mere touch of the new perception.

There is the door that opens to a vista of the essenceless essence, that which is the real nature of the manifested world. There is the door of liberation from a merely partial perception or muddled perspective of this real nature. And there is the door that opens directly into the authentic realization of this true nature.

There is the wonderful door that opens into an intensity of sights and sounds, color and beauty. And there is the door of balance and ease through which one looks in awe at all the limitless structures of the world as one looks at the star-studded night sky. And there is the door to the exquisite happiness that would never want to own any worldly treasures or to possess even that same happiness. Finally, there is the door of total awakening itself.



Okay I am feeling barely alive this morning. I am just going to admit it....I have a cold LOL I was trying to talk myself out of it last night but as the night wore on...I felt it more and more.

Last night I went to a Bi Mixer...with a bunch of girls. It was a nice time. It was a small group but still nice to go with those I went with. They were going to a Gay bar afterwards and I wanted to money situation right now is horrible so we passed.

I was a little on edge when I went to bed....thinking of all I need to do still to move out of here. And so I was getting overwhelmed and called Nick. We chatted for about and hour and by the time I hung up the phone I was very tired and went to sleep very fast. So that was good.

I have some things swirling around in my head that I need to write about....but right now I am going to get up and get dressed to run some errands.

Friday, August 09, 2002


Just a quickie first.....for the day....

One year ago today...just about this time....Nick messaged me online :) I am very happy that he has been a part of my life even through only being online and lots of phone conversation. So Good Day for Us *smiles*

Thursday, August 08, 2002


Something I forgot to add to the journal entry below....

I talked to my parents today to tell them what is going on. And my mom was great. But I wanted to go off on my dad so much. He does not know anything about my life. I don't tell them about my life purposely even if my life was vanilla I would not. I don't want them to interfer. I love them to pieces but they sometimes like to interfer...and only when I am single. When I was married it was very few and far between times where my parents added their 2 cents.

So today my mom was not home at first when I called and my dad said...."you have not had a job for 4 years so you should have known you would be in these circumstances." I wanted to say you have not had a call for money hardly ever how does he think I live? I can't tell them well my first 2 years here I was a slave and that was my job. And my last 2 years here I had a sucessful business that I can't tell you anything about as you/society would not approve of. Uggghhhh

It was totally annoying. It was typical of my dad though.

I said to him "well Dad you know nothing of my life and it is MY life..not yours." Then my mom just got home and so she got on the phone and I pulled it together to not sound upset because I knew that would upset her. And told her about the wonderful people who were helping me out by letting me live with them....Lisa and her husband. :) And told her that I would get their number to her an all that. I am going to be canceling my aol account so but will let everyone know ahead of time and email will just change to so just changing the aol to yahoo. That will be easy enough. Okay done venting lol

Moving Through it All

Music: Diana Krall
Rune: Eihwaz ~ Defense & Avertive Powers

I am doing much better then last night. The asthma attack really surprised me last night because I just have not had one associated with stress in a very long time.

Last night Nick wrote me an email that I did not handle well at all. The email hit me really hard. I guess I got what I asked for…I said I wanted him to blame me more and he certainly did that…: ) He got out his anger. And I am glad he did even though it hurt.

Monseigneur E and Linda got to see me at my best LOL They got to see me fall apart. At least they got see a not so good side of me. They both handled so well. I was very lucky to have them helping me. I have felt a little weird about it today…embarrassed that they saw me like that. I mean I was here…but I know they could tell what it would be like in person to see me falling apart like that.

Both of them helped me calm down and focus. To slow my mind and my emotions down and focus on what I needed to do to respond.

During the conversation….with Monseigneur E….he gave me a choice/decision to make. And I was so out of control…my mind spinning….my emotions hitting me from every direction…so that I could not think. I could not make a decision that would be best for me…I felt. So he made it for me. Which was perfectly fine with me. And the decision was that I needed to handle things with Nick and postpone visiting.

Monseigneur E and Linda both helped me get focus and start writing down thoughts I would need to cover when I called Nick.

I posted to my journal not thinking….just feeling before I calmed down and was focusing. Nick ended up reading it and was concerned and so-called just as I was printing off my thoughts I had wrote down. So his timing was perfect.

We talked and did a lot of communicating. I remained even. Really I did. I was clearer in communicating then I have been in weeks. I was more focused on each topic I needed to cover and each concern and issue he brought up I was able to focus and be clear in what I felt and thought. He said why could we have not had this discussion when I was in Memphis and called him and told him about visiting Monseigneur E and Linda. I am not sure why not. I just have been very overwhelmed lately with all the changes. Everything seems like it is happening very fast. And so my thoughts are fast and out of control. And so are my feelings.

In talking to him….I also felt very cared for….he communicated how he felt about me much more then he ever has…and I now get he does care and he does not want to lose me. I learned a lot of what he has felt for almost the whole year of knowing me that I did not know….things about my past. I understand why he has done some of the things he has done. He knows now he should have talked to me about them. So I guess we are on a path of communicating better…which is always a good thing.

He knows I am still going to see Monseigneur E and Linda. He knows why I need to. He knows that nothing is set for sure….this is trial visit. But we won’t know how things go or work until I am there. And 2 ½ weeks is much different then thinking of life day in and day out of all the things that happen….just the routine of life.

So thing are good with Nick - the best they can be with me going to see Monseigneur E and Linda. I think we still have some talking to do but my world is not fallen apart. As I felt it did last night.

Today I was very busy….did some running around and did not accomplish much actually. Tomorrow I get to go to a Bi Mixer…with a great bunch of women.

I really feel like I am not going to be done moving. My pile of to give a way is growing LOL I am going to invite people over next week to browse through my freebie market lol

Aydeen described what is going on with me right now, as like what Robin does in book 2 the Slave. Where she sells, gives away and puts just essentials in storage. It does feel like that.

Going through lots of transitions and on that note I am going to post this.

Side Note: My archives have disappeared it looks like for good from Blogspot. I have saved them all so I am hoping after I am done moving to republish them all on my I have a real archive again....instead of the first 3 months and this months. Really sucks and I try not to think about it too much as I think it will depress me.

Wednesday, August 07, 2002

Plans Changed

Funny how fast things change....

One email...and I am crying and had a little asthma attack....

And plans have changed and I am not going to Monseigneur E's and Linda's right planned. I can't type anymore then that because....I can't really focus to get words out.

Want Love

Right now I am also trying to learn to slow the feelings down… and think. I want to try to do that not sure it will work though.

I felt last night that I was losing Nick. And it hurt and so I went to bed very upset and sad. Today, I am still worried about that, but I also have a different perspective on how Nick is acting right now. I hope Nick does not push me out of his life. He says he is not. But he does have anger towards what is going on. I hurt Nick so that is expected. But as Monseigneur E told me…there are options. And I don’t think Nick is seeing them. Nick admitted last night he did look back and saw how I was pulling away more and more. So, it is not like Monseigneur E came in and pushed Nick aside. He is blaming Monseigneur E… I believe he should put more blame on me then he is doing. Because I am the one that crossed the line I put out there.

Last night I told Nick of something that Monseigneur E had me do. Nick asked me a question…he asked me why I did not say something about “telling” Nick before “doing.” I mean how it happened took Nick by surprise. And part of me did not think Nick would be upset or surprised because…he never asked me to do what I did, so having it disappear did not seem like something he would even notice. But it was a big deal. And I am sorry I did not ask Monseigneur E if I could tell Nick before doing what I did.

The above paragraph I wrote earlier in the day. But now…I wonder why did I need to tell Nick first? I called him when Monseigneur E took control and he knew I was submitting to Monseigneur E then so why do I have to call and get that okayed. Not that it is to be okayed….I know he just wanted to know. Well, I was letting him know. He knows I have to obey Monseigneur E. I did not want him to happen upon it and see the change so I called him to let him know. I think that was common curiosity. I think Nick was just reacting on emotion. And it pissed him off and so he reacted.

He had a sense of security with me. I believe he felt I would just be here always. And then when we were able….because there are circumstances preventing us from meeting. But before…why not before…because we took it for granted I believe. I felt I was communicating that I was lacking things…before and after I started pulling away. But from what he is saying to me. I am not sure I communicated it clear enough.

Last night the thought came through….am I doing the wrong thing? I love Nick as much as I can without ever meeting someone. He asked me how I feel about Monseigneur E. I don’t love him. I don’t see myself loving him. Aydeen and I talked about this last night too. Not that I won’t care about him because of course I already do. I care for both him and Linda, as they are people I consider very good friends I respect them a lot.

I think…hope Nick understand some of my motivations behind making the decisions I am making now. I know it still does not change things but at least he knows what went into my thought process to get me to this point.

At one point I got very angry with Nick on the phone last night and I started to raise my voice…and then stopped. I did not notice it until later when I hung up. My motivations with Nick are different then Monseigneur E. There are similar elements but also one main element being different.

Nick asked me why I changed what Monseigneur E told me too. I told him…duty. It did not cross my mind not do what he told me. I did not like it. I did not want to change it. I did not change it to that point for a couple reasons. I gave a commitment to do what he tells me and put his wishes first for this time period. And so I would be dishonoring that commitment and not following through on my word. And I know Nick understands that as honor and integrity mean a lot to him…not only because of his military background. I know that Nick is wondering about if Monseigneur E will forbid me to talk to Nick. I told him that Monseigneur E would not do that. I tried to explain Monseigneur E’s thoughts…as Aydeen basically asked the same question to Monseigneur E. I just know Nick is not trusting Monseigneur E. I wish he would talk to him because I think a lot of what he is feeling and thinking would be given a different outlook that he would like. Maybe. *shrugs*

Yesterday, was much better then Monday. And actually the thing that helped me was talking to Monseigneur E on the phone Monday night. I pulled myself together before I called. I think I sounded normal lol Which is better then I was sounding 20 mins before then. I am still very tense about getting things done and ran past some of my ideas on what I am going to do with moving....with Aydeen on the phone last night.

Tuesday Monseigneur E and I discussed what he was trying to accomplish with Monday’s lecture. It did not quite work how he wanted. And I see what he was trying to do. I also understand it...but that type of thing does not work with me. It shut me down and also overwhelmed more. Like I said above what helped me was chatting with him on the phone Monday night. And what we talked about did not really have to do with anything we talked about the lecture. But for some reason it helped me....pull together more focus. Maybe just pulling together before I called him helped too? But I know just talking to him helped me. I was really upset. I do feel more calm and focused.

Tuesday I was talking to Linda about 2 men in my life...and how they manipulate me. I don't really see the one quite the way she does. But I do understand it more today. I am a feeling person…I look at feelings…. I see both men reacting out of feelings…and it does not make it right but I understand it. I compare this to past things...this is nothing. It is sad but true. I think about Don and nothing compares to that. (I wrote this before talking to Monseigneur E this morning about Don - clarifying for me in future when I read this and for him - weird that we kind of covered this in our conversation this morning) And maybe they get by with things because of that. Because I have this line that is bad...and here is really bad. And they may come close the bad line at time but not actually touch it because it is so subtle. Where with Don...he just bolted into the really bad the cruel section and that was it.

One thing that I think is going to be a problem with all of us...Monseigneur E, Linda and myself is I rely on my emotions. I use my emotions to decided things…more then I use my brain. And they are people who think and go with what they think then feel I believe. Maybe it will be a good combination. Maybe it will help me rely on thinking more…then feeling.

Monday night I deleted an entry…and told Mistress DM that I did. She asked me why. I told her. She told me I was motivated by fear. I did not want to disappoint Monseigneur E. And in the end…not posting it would disappointment him more but in the moment of deleting it I did not think that. Monday night my thoughts were all over the places…as I was just feeling so much pain. To top things off I have cyst acting up right now and have been in pain the last 2 days and with moving and going through boxes it does not help it. Lifting heavy boxes when it is acting up just causes me to be in more pain. I get used to the pain. It just feels like it is normal for me.

Okay back on topic…Mistress DM then went on to say not to lose myself. I remember her saying that with Todd. I know it is different right now then it was with Todd.

Losing myself…I tried to write about that yesterday. Is it losing myself or is it becoming myself? Being nothing…getting to the core…does not seem like it is losing myself but finding myself. But will things change about me…will some of that individuality…disappear? I don’t have that answer. I did think about it a lot yesterday while I was sitting waiting for an appointment.

Am I already losing myself?

I just opened up a conversation I had with Kevin online in January. He asked me what was the one thing I wanted to see happen with Nick…the one thing I wanted with Nick over everything else. I named fear first… and he said that was not a single thing. And I started naming being caned until I bled, held under water and a few things like that. He then said I was not saying one thing. I said there was not just one thing. I get flashes of images and feelings and not just ONE thing comes to mind. He knew that…so then he changed his question to what was the one thing I want desperately…and I said to be loved.

Has that changed?

I know that is what Michael was touching on when he messaged me while in Memphis. It has not changed. I want love. I want to be loved. But in what Monseigneur E seems to be telling me he will be doing…I think I will find myself. And that…is more important and something I have wanted for so long.

Babbling right now…and I really need to get busy. I will write about that subject more later.

Tuesday, August 06, 2002


I wrote this yesterday......

I will add more about something similar later.....something Mistress DM and I kind of talked about.....

My dreams last night were even more dark....

I was so cold and it was so dark. I felt like I was almost in a fog.....where I could not think....all I heard was him. All I felt was him. I heard his footsteps....heard his breathing and movements....and all I felt was pain. Aching...deep to the was like the layers were RIPPED off of me....I was bleeding.....not only emotionally...but physically from all that had been done. I don't know what....I just was bleeding....lying on the ground nothing....cold....

I woke up shivering...from it.

Monday, August 05, 2002


Tonight....I am not doing great. While going through my stuff tonight, I just realized how much stuff I I am wondering if I will get everything done and moved into a storage unit before Monseigneur E wants me to visit. I had tried to put off visiting them this month as I knew this was going to be happening this month....moving out. And knew that would give me all of August and then go from there. Now that cuts my schedule by 10 days approximately. I want to visit. I need to. I am scared of visiting but I am also just thinking of all that I need to do here. Moving is always so much fun!

I am also hurting lots. Hurting...grieving over so much...that I have been trying to push away so I can get through moving. I love Kam. And it hurts that we will not be a part of each others my world that I have known for 4 years is being turned over but I know that I need to move on. Does not turn the hurting off though.

I was thinking at the same time as all the above thoughts are going on....of Monseigneur E (that does not turn off)....but more importantly what I am thinking of tonight is the lecture I had today. Right now it feels like it just added pressure to me. I disagree with some of what he said today. And at the same time I know that what he wants is important...that is VERY important to me...serving him. But this has been *my* life and I have been in control of it....for a long time. I am quite capable of running it. And I feel like he was saying I wasn't...and needed to be.

I know what has to be done. I am doing it and nothing more can be expected, but I feel more is and I don't feel he is getting a clear perspective of what is going on here. Moni the other morning got one impression of the situation and as soon as I told her of the money situation and other things that factor in she saw the reason I was doing what I was doing.

I guess all I can do is what I am doing...the best I can do....and I am putting him in my thoughts and I do act for him. I just have things to do...that to me are priorities...that does not mean he is not in my thoughts of what I do and what he would want. I am serving him...just not the same as it wil be in person. Just like moving out it number one for me....doing the things I need to get that a timely manor and cost effectively (since that is a big issue right now) is doing it in service to him.

I mentioned a lecture....I got in trouble. He feels I am lacking awareness. I am to an extent. But the awareness I am lacking, I feel, comes from distance. He hit some hot buttons that....trigger...anger in me. And I did not say anything but yes Sir...but I thought it and even started to type but would backspace. And I vented to Moni. And also my brain...kicked in and told me to stop.

I feel he basically told me I am worrying about things that are not important...maybe I am. I am worrying and right now I don't think there is any stopping that with all that is going on. I am be able to move out...get everything done before going to see them is very important. And add in all the things with Kam and all the other things I am needing to do for him and to get ready to go there...and thinking about being worrying is valid. It is me who has to deal with and when I get back. My life, when I get back, is going to be VERY different...if things work out and even if they do not. 4 years of my life...and things I wanted and dreamed about will be gone. Someone who I care about will probably not be here. My world has been turned over and ever thing is falling and I am trying to catch it. That is how I a few worries I think is understandable.

He said words today that hearing things in my head all day. And that annoys me that...I am. I am trying to push it away and keep a clear vision of WHO said it NOW and why he said that I don't let it take over.

I understand why he said the things he did. But I don't agree with them. What he says is what matters and so I will do what he said. As it is not only the right thing to do...but I want to.

I guess I will stop babbling as I am not sure anything that comes out of my mouth/head/fingers is making sense. Brain not slowing all these days.

This above entry I posted and then within a minute deleted. I then started working on it again and posted it but not published it. I started working on it again because I realized deleting it was a bigger mistake then posting it. I then was told the evening...on the phone that I needed to post it. So...I am.

Live Life

Rune: Hagalaz ~ Disruption & Elemental Power

LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): For you Librans, it’s not about what you are doing today; rather it’s now about long term planning. What do you need to do in order to make your dreams real? What parts of your own being need to change as part of your drive toward success? Think these big ideas through today and set yourself onto a path with a new direction.

I have been thinking about the future and where I will be. I have been thinking of things that will have me going forward with my life. I was telling someone the other evening that I felt sorry for my ex-husband…because he exists in life and does not LIVE life. I feel at times I have done that by standing still with my life here in Cleveland. I mean I live my life in some areas…but I have held myself back in other areas because it was easy and even though I was not content.

I have done a lot today and have lots to do still…so keeping this short. More to come later! :)

Sunday, August 04, 2002


I can't sleep. I am restless. I called Nick because he is a safe place for me. He relaxes me and makes me feel calm again.

I did the cube on him. It was interesting to hear. I won't write about it here because again I don't want to ruin it for anyone.

On Friday it will be a year...of him and I knowing each other. Last year this time of year, I was so depressed. I did not know if I was going to pull out of it...the depression. But Nick really helped me. He was so positive and so sure of me. He made me realize the things that I had buried with the sadness.

Of course after talking with Nick....wished to be snuggle up next to him and feeling safe. I don't like the Libra part of me that wants both sides of the scales. I want to be nothing that I know Monseigneur E will treat me like. And I want the tenderness Nick will give me.

A question Monseigneur E asked me the other day just popped into my head. And it was not a question I was happy to hear. He was right to ask it. I just did not like admitting the truth. Mistress DM could have answered that question for him right now I am sure. She has seen me in this state before.

It comes down to I don't trust myself in these types of situations because of the stress...I don't trust my instincts and even common sense right now because of the stress. I feel like I am walking in a fog....and then other times it feels so clear what I need to do.

Last night I heard several times that I will find what I want....that I have the determination to find it. But what side of the scales do I want more....

A week ago....I was yanked to one side of the scales. I loved it of course LOL The next step will to get on the plane and not get sick on the way! LOL I know I am weird. : )

I wrote about being nothing today....feeling....seeing the images. The thoughts keep playing over and over in my head and I feel the prickling heat rise. And I think of all the time this is going to go on until I go there. Oh my LOL

Nothing....To be nothing....

It is not only to be degraded and humiliated for me...but also to feel the walls being pulled be just be. I wish I was feeling that right now....

Maybe I could get to sleep then?

When the Stars go Blue

Music: The Corrs and Bono ~ When the Stars go blue
Rune: Teiwaz ~ The Warrior

The greatest support we can have is mindfulness, which means being totally present in each moment. If the mind remains centered, it cannot make up stories about the injustice of the world or one's friends, or about one's desires or sorrows. All these stories could fill many volumes, but when we are mindful such verbalizations stop. Being mindful means being fully absorbed in the moment, leaving no room for anything else. We are filled with the momentary happening, whatever it is--standing or sitting or lying down, feeling pleasure or pain--and we maintain a nonjudgmental awareness, a "just knowing." -Ayya Khema, "Be an Island"

That would be an awesome feeling…mind to slow down and just be. Just know this is the right thing.

As usual I can feel I am back in Cleveland as…I am hardly at home. I am out and about. Yesterday I left my place at 2pm and did not get home until 3am.

Last night I spent the night with some GREAT friends! We hung out…talked and talked and talked and had a good dinner. Some of our discussions were very emotional and touching. I also got kissed 3 times and got to kiss someone else : ) So, it was an interesting night.

I was told I was easy too! LOL

I am coming up on some significant dates for me. One dealing with Todd and the other with Nick.

Listening to…When the stars go blue…again…

Here are the lyrics…the version I am listening to is The Corrs and Bono from U2 singing it.

When The Stars Go Blue
Music & Lyrics: Ryan Adams

Dancin' where the stars go blue
Dancin' where the evening fell
Dancin' in your wooden shoes
In a wedding gown

Dancin' out on 7th street
Dancin' through the underground
Dancin' little marionette
Are you happy now?

Where do you go when you're lonely
Where do you go when you're blue
Where do you go when you're lonely
I'll follow you
When the stars go blue, blue
When the stars go blue, blue
When the stars go blue, blue
When the stars go blue

Laughing with your pretty mouth
Laughing with your broken eyes
Laughing with your lover's tongue
In a lullaby

Where do you go when you're lonely
Where do you go when you're blue
Where do you go when you're lonely
I'll follow you
When the stars go blue, blue
When the stars go blue, blue
When the stars, when the stars go blue, blue
When the stars go blue
When the stars go blue, blue, blue
Stars go blue
When the stars go blue

Where do you go when you're lonely
Where do you go when you're blue, yeah
Where do you go when you're lonely
I'll follow you, I'll follow you, I'll follow you
I'll follow you, I'll follow you, yeah
Where do you go, yeah
Where do you go, Where do you go

Last night during a game/discussion I said that friendship was my greatest strength…right now. I feel it is…reason is because right now without my friends…I know I would be totally lost. Without them I am not sure where I would be…or how I would be coping with everything that is on my plate. They thought it was a cope out answer last night in the game. But it wasn’t. They are….right now…what keeps me going. I have other strengths but right now my friends are the greatest strength I have in my life. I am very lucky to have so many good friends that do so much for me.

Saturday, August 03, 2002


Music: The Corrs and U2 ~ When the stars go blue
Rune: Hagalaz ~ Disruption & Elemental Power

I feel very lost and out of touch right now. And I feel like I am not being good enough for Monseigneur E. My thoughts are so all over. He is there in them but he not. It is like some is just my responsibility to go through….and I don’t know if is because I close myself off from involving others. There are just some matters…I don’t let people try to help me with. And another part of me just wonders if this is just something I need to do alone. Part of me thinks I am just hanging on to things that I don’t want to discuss with others because it is “uncomfortable.” I guess I don’t want to burden others. That is how I feel it will be. I am not sure….anyway. I am feeling out of touch and it is because I am putting myself there.

I need to get going and clean my fun LOL And then I need to get ready to go meet Michael, Moni and Katrina for an outing today.

Friday, August 02, 2002


Music: Madonna ~ Ray of Light
Rune ~ Berkana ~ Growth & Rebirth

Horoscope.....LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): You are still feeling the residual effects of the serious obstacles that you’ve been facing, either in romance or with money, but today you are committed to figuring out a solution to your dilemma. It’s not going to be a quick and easy fix, but you are willing to think it through step by step and make it work.


I got up early to go and met Moni and Katrina for breakfast. We ended up spending all day together it...was very nice. I am glad to be back among my friends. I also felt something all day....sadness...nothing to do with my friends...they were great. I felt near tears all day and actually cried at breakfast but that is just because I had to talk of an area that is really really hitting me hard right now. I am uncertain of where to call home. I have not been calling Cleveland home for 2 weeks now. And I am not sure why or when that changed. I have ideas. It changed when Monseigneur E took control. It changed when things were so comfortable and safe at Sir Laz and Aydeen's. It changed when I realized that living I do was lying to myself more then I thought it was...anyway...I am grieving not having a home I guess. Everything seems so foreign. It is not a good feeling. Even though I know I will have a "home" someday it is not making it better right now in this moment.

I have almost called several people tonight because I am upset. But I was also in that mode of not wanting to reach out and ask for help. I don't like when I get that way...I mean it is hard to ask for help anyway...but tonight it seemed even more so.

Tomorrow (Saturday)....I am being with friends. I know that will be nice.

I feel like I have more walls up then ever...but the usual walls. I told someone today that sometimes there are walls that block good things. I think I have walls up that are blocking good spiritual insights. Maybe it is not time? I had an I Ching reading before I left for Memphis and one of the questions I asked about my next relationship. And I was told that my next relationship would bring me to a higher place spiritually. As bad as this might sound... I was surprised thinking that Nick would be that one. And that is only because I don't view Nick as a spiritual person. He would not put himself as one either. I believe in astrology, I Ching, Tarot readings, the Runes because to me they are coming from my energy....and even though they might be generalized they still give me focus or direction. They also tell me things I know but need to hear.

Runes have been talking about emptying become the person I will be. Basically I feel like I need to shed all that I have become to become who I will be...the person I really am that has been buried with all the experiences of my life. I need to be that person I am scared to be really the essence of who I want to be...need to be to be what I feel is the purpose of my life.

Thursday, August 01, 2002

The Cube

Music: City of Angel’s soundtrack

I am back in Cleveland. I am sitting here crying at the moment. I am feeling so much today and having a hard time focusing. Writing often is good no matter if I just babble about something non-important - daily events or real issues…it helps purge some of what is in me so that I am able to focus. It gives me direction.

Direction…just what a girl like me seeks. : )

Last night I signed online and Linda was online so I told her I was back in Cleveland safe and sound. And then I signed off and called Aydeen and then Nick.

Nick and I talked for quite a while. I was feeling on edge right when I got on the plane and it did not ease up. Nick helped relax me. Our conversations since telling him about visiting Monseigneur E and Linda have been different. The same Nick but more…direct Nick. Which has happened in the past when I have told him about playing with someone. But even now it is stronger then it was before. He mentioned the future many times. It made me smile and sad all at once.

I then hung up with him and was going to go take a shower and go to bed but ended up talking with Kam for a little bit. It was fine…I wonder if he feels the tension in the air like I do?

I dreamed of my cube the other night…it changed. It is so weird how already how I view things…view myself has changed.

Today, Monseigneur E and I had a conversation that was not one of the better ones but there is no focus for me today so I am just a little out of whack. In it… he asked…if I doubt my decision making that much…that I doubt my decisions. And yes I have always been like that I never made decisions based on what I want growing up. I made them based on what others expected of me. And so I always had that nagging part of me that knew there was more…or something else because I was not living for me. I did get to a point where I live for me. But right now with everything…everyone. I feel like I am being pulled in many directions.

And I put myself there.

I do not want things to change…with Monseigneur E. I want his control. And I want to serve him. But as he pointed out…it is not permanent. And even if I feel everyone is moving me there already…as he pointed out there is an expiration date on it…on the control and service.

How did that make me feel? More awful lol

More out of control. More scared. More…


Looking at it from another perspective…

He is trying to calm me by showing there is less stress about visiting then I am placing on it. With all that I have to do right now….he is trying to lessen my stress. But of course being the normal neurotic person I am…I do/did not get that.

I have a headache LOL

I will type more later…just going to go unpack and listen to some music and veg for a little bit to calm everything down.

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