Wednesday, January 31, 2001


I love words.

The Write Project I just found and I like it.

the voice in the mind

I wonder if you've ever felt so restrained that you couldn't even explain what it was that made you feel that way.

I wonder if you had so many things to say to a particular someone, but you just couldn't get them out of your mouth because you were too embarrassed, and that you were afraid that the effect of the words wouldn't work out the way you wanted it to.


Write it out. Writing is always better, it doesn't convey the nervousness you're feeling, it doesn't have any hidden meanings.

The mind has words that the lips can't express

The Darkness and The Light

Found this quote on
Vox's Info Center: Home

"It's within ourselves that we find the truth, the love, the's only when we know the darkness within ourselves that we can bring our inner light to it, turning pain in love." ~ Anonymous

To me the pain might be still felt but loved. Kind of like the quote on Sanctuary of Light....I think it says My darkness it the light. My pain is love. It is a pure intense moment...untouched by anything but what is happening in that moment.

I just opened up Sanctuary of Light site.....I am going to quote almost the whole opening because it is good....

"The Sanctuary of Light explores the darkness of power. Only by casting light into that darkness can we begin to understand the beauty of its intensity and its ability to transform.

The darkness....The light....Taken to the edge, they merge into one--each feeds off of and into the other....

Without darkness there is no light
Without light, you cannot see the darkness

Remove the judgments attached to the word, such as "evil," "negative," etc., and darkness simply exists as itself; a contrast to light, a world to be embraced and explored in order to enlighten our lives and experience.

Experience force, control, pain of all manner and degree. Push the edges of consent and limit. Go beyond "safe" to acknowledge the risk of pleasure and ecstasy in body and spirit."

That is it in that moment the pain I feel no judgement - negativity - evil. It is pure. mmmmm

Tuesday, January 30, 2001

Misinterpreted Anarchist

I just found this well surfing through blogs.....

New Name

It says my name is Misinterpreted Anarchist lol

Misinterpreted from the Dictionary....

Main Entry: mis·in·ter·pret
Pronunciation: "mi-s&n-'t&r-pr&t, -p&t
Function: transitive verb
Date: 1547
1 : to explain wrongly
2 : to understand wrongly
- mis·in·ter·pre·ta·tion /-"t&r-pr&-'tA-sh&n, -p&-/ noun

Anarchist from the Dictionary.....

Main Entry: an·ar·chist
Pronunciation: 'a-n&r-kist, -"när-
Function: noun
Date: 1678
1 : one who rebels against any authority, established order, or ruling power
2 : one who believes in, advocates, or promotes anarchism or anarchy; especially : one who uses violent means to overthrow the established order
- anarchist or an·ar·chis·tic /"a-n&r-'kis-tik, -(")när-/ adjective

(laughing - the irony)


Busy Working Ramble

"Sometimes a person has to go a very long distance out of his way to come back a short distance correctly." Edward Albee

I have had the touch of the flu or something yesterday and not felt all that great today. And now Daddy is sick with the same thing. : ( Daddy has been so good to me. Taking very good care of me. He is the greatest. : )

Tonight I talked with M on the phone. He was kind of down and I was wishing there was a way to cheer him up. He has a lot of stress going on in his life. We did talk about getting together this week, which I am happy about. He said he was down on Saturday – that the rest of his evening was kind of a downer because he did not get to see me. I felt bad that I did not get to see him and made his birthday a downer but I know that he did not want me to feel bad about. It was just that he was really looking forward to seeing me. And I was looking forward to seeing him too.

I was just reading a short story called Blue #2 and it is words that kind of dance on the page – one word moving to the next forming a lyrical lullaby.

Ayn Rand is an author that I have not read lots of but what I have I have liked a lot. I have started Atlas Shrugged. Anthem was the first book that I read by Ayn Rand. It was like poetry. It did not even hardly read like a book. It was very interested the views of the book also. It is a short book. It did not take but an evening to read it. And each word just weaves into the next. I read some of it aloud to Jim (my ex – read it when I was married to him) he did not seem to get what I was trying to show him through the rhythm of the words….oh well.


I am glad we have them.

It is 10:43pm. E was suppose to call me at 10:30….I am really tired and not wanting to wait up for her call much longer. But we have things to discuss.

I did not go to bed til 4:30am and then got up at 7:30am and have been up all day. So I am starting to fade.

E just called. She is so cool. Hoping to get together with her soon.

I wanted to work on a website. I have so many things going.

I need to get in going to see my parents but everything is so busy with work that I cannot even think of leaving for week. I am thinking of seeing if I can just go for 5 days..maybe. Uggghh maybe I can get E trained to take over things for me while I leave to see my parents.

Well I think I am going to work on the website a little bit and then got to bed….


Monday, January 29, 2001

Someplace Dark

"I just want to fuck her. Someplace dark, someplace seedy. No names, no numbers, no coffee in the morning. Just 20 minutes in the corner of some crowded bar licking her breasts and the sweat from her body."

I was looking through some things I saved and this was the opening to a story I saved....not sure where I got it but the opening is good. *smiles*


Sunday, January 28, 2001


"Through symbolic death the ego is temporarily dissolved or disembodied in the collective unconscious mind. From this state the individual is then "rescued" by the rite of rebirth. What this means to me in terms of the Master/slave relationship is the following: Each ritual act of deep and heavy torture represents the "death" of the slave's ego - her current perceptions of herself as an autonomous being. The fact that it is dealt out at the hand of the Master is highly significant; It is He that brings this "symbolic death " and it is He that leads His slave in to the rebirth of experience."

something I read the other night.....

something I have been thinking about lately.

I guess I never looked at as a rebirth because of how Don did it. It was not birth - it was death. But I can see with the right Dominant it would be rebirth.

Saturday, January 27, 2001

I have not blogged since Monday

It has been a long busy week. Business is doing good. It is a good thing for me. I really am having fun even though I am putting in lot of hours to get it off the ground.

Today was M’s birthday. I was going to get together with him to give him his b-day present but my car did not want to start tonight. Ugghhh….So now I need to get my car in on Monday and we are going to have to rent a car. It always seems when we have just a little extra cash right now to pay bills and other things and now I am going to have use that cash to get my car fixed again.

I was disappointed that I did not get to see M. It has been almost 2 weeks since we had some alone time. And tonight would have been that. Not making M more then he is….someone to have some fun with and hang out with and we both get things from each other.

I am into astrology not as much as Mistress DM but would like to know more about it. I just have dabbled in it. I have this Birthday Book that has been on it for everyone. So tonight I read M’s and realized he is an Aquarius. Morgan was an Aquarius.

Daddy and I had a long talk about M the other night and it was a really good talk. I am very lucky to have a GREAT Daddy! I love him so much it hurts at times.

Jackie and I had a chance to talk online a few times this week that was nice. Now that she is not in NYC she is more back to her usual self. Which I am glad about. I love her and miss her lots. I missed Honeyrose’s call last Sunday while Daddy, Di and I were out to brunch. So maybe she will call tomorrow (I guess today since it is 12:26 as I write this lol) Mistress DM called today as I was leaving…so we only got to talk a few minutes.

Well I should get to bed…Di is going to pick me up early in the morning to help me run an errand in the morning. She is the greatest! : )

peace and serenity,

Sunday, January 21, 2001


I do not understand why people try to purposely hurt others.

People who have hurt me in the past I just want to stay away from. So why do people who have hurt me always want to come back into my life? Just to try to cause problems. It makes no sense to me.

Okay then if we turn this around and the people who hurt me say I hurt them so why come back in my life if I hurt you?

That does not make any sense to me at all.

My life is going good right now too, which makes it seem so weird…that this happens right now. I guess another lesson to learn.

So what has been happening in my life…..

Well, some know that I started a business not too long ago. And actually I have been so busy I think a few do not know about it yet. The business has taken off and it is already getting known. I am very happy about that. : ) The last few weeks I took the ball so to speak and have been running with it. It is a job basically that never ends. I am thinking about it and doing it almost 24 hours a day. But I am very happy with how it is going and liking it. Basically all week has been consumed with business. This weekend was busy and I am very pleased with how things turned out. This coming week proves to even be better.

Because I have been so busy working, I have not had time for any of my mailing list and this weekend I had a little time to do some maintenance by cleaning up some loose ends. And caught up on some mail but nothing was really important.

Mistress DM and I have not had lots of time to chat lately so I need to catch her up on some things. And I know she is going to be moving today and this week so she will be busy.

Carpe Diem is on Saturday but I do not think Daddy and I will be going. Oh that is right, that made me think, Daddy and I were at lunch on Saturday with someone and we ran into someone I met shortly after moving here. Daddy and I went to see her collaring which was very beautiful! It was really the first time I wrote such a short skirt too lol

It was funny the whole time we sat at lunch I heard her voice I kept thinking that it sounded familiar. I had only had a glimpse of her when she walked in, so I did not even associate that it was her, but her voice kept making me think I knew her. It was when she got up that I realized who it was…so I went up and asked. It was! Her and her husband moved to Akron not to long ago and I know she wants to get involved in the groups again. If Daddy and I were going to Carpe Diem this month I would have had them join us.

Daddy and I have not had a play party in a while. I think we probably will sometime soon. Definitely before I leave for Europe. I want to get the backroom all set up for it. I want to invite E and her boyfriend. And maybe M, if Daddy says it is okay. The Dominant I played with, M, wrote me and told me he wants to get together and go to his Pro Domme friends dungeon, but I am not sure if that will happen.

Okay I better get to bed I need to be up early tomorrow.

Peace and Serenity,

Tuesday, January 16, 2001


On Monday night I played with someone for the first time…

It was just interesting….

I am still partially mulling over things. I mean I know where it can and cannot go but it was just an interesting experience.

This man has Dominant qualities, but I would not call him Dominant. He is kinky. But he is also more then kinky…ugggh hard to explain. I am not sure how to describe him. But I have lots of fun with him and he is cute also.

Last night we sessioned for the first time. He did something interesting that I really have not been able to stop thinking about, because I really have not had a Dominant do this…..

He asked me questions during the session. And I would moan out answers * smiles* like… “mmm yes I like that” and he would make me say what “that” was. Also he made me repeat back things to him lots. And when I am being sessioned I tend to lose my ability to communicate so that was interesting. But those things he made me repeat back are still with me today. And I remember….sooo it probably worked.

peace and serenity,

toad the wet sprocket

Heard this tonight......"one part of me just wants to tell you everything - one part just needs the quiet " ~ toad the wet sprocket - i will not take these things for granted

Constant Craving…..

I did this Fun Horoscope type game… basically has to list numbers and then for each number it has you list whatever thing it tells you too a name of a person you love, song titles, and such……

I have done one long ago, so decided to do it again. I could not remember what each name and song title represented so I was not “ruining” the effect.

It is just strange how those things do seem to work and make sense. I wonder why and how….

Jim – my ex-husband – was on it and was so was Daddy. The things it said matching it up with other parts – it was just weird how it works. I also feel Jim was on it because it was Jim’s mom that sent it to me so that was in my mind at that time. So if Pam would have sent it I am sure it would have said something else. Also something that was interesting was that it said to put someone you love - of the opposite sex. It was made for “straight” people. I almost put down one of my female partners just to see how it would turn out. I really do not think it would have turned out different though.

The song title that was suppose to represent my life as I see it now…was Constant Craving by kd lang….



Saturday, January 13, 2001

Scattered Ramblings

I cannot sleep tonight.

I have been really busy this week with work. My housework and all the everyday things like grocery shopping, cooking and such have been kind of off too. I hate when it is like this very unstructured and scattered. I also do not like strict structure but some how crave it at times. Go figure lol

I was just looking to see if I have written anything that I have not posted yet… it is…I wrote this Jan 6th.

Right now Jackie is on a plane going to Italy. Things have been very strange between Daddy, her and I since she left to go to be with her “family.” It has been very hard because it seems she compartmentalizes. We are part of her life, school is another part, and then her family is another part and none really intermix. While she was with her family before going to Italy she was very distant and we did not have much contact. It made me feel very out of touch with her and when we would talk to her she was very vague. It felt very much like we were held at arms length and almost not to be trusted. So I had a talk with her the last couple of days and she seemed to see what I was saying and how hard it was…on Daddy and I that when she did that.


I heard from Jackie on day this week. She was in Rome for orientation still and then going to Florence. So she should be in Florence by now.

I am on like hmm 20 bdsm mailing lists on egroups. And I have not even been reading my mail lately. I really should be on no mail. Because it has been a struggle to even read any of it – to have the patience and concentration for it. I get frustrated lately reading the views of others. I find them to be so out there and I just wonder if they live life in a glass bubble, where nothing ever just happens that turns their lives upside down.

You can see I am scattered right now because I am going to go from one thing to the next lol

Yesterday was kind of fun even though very busy! I got things set up for one job I do…since this weekend was going to be busy with for it. And then Daddy and I met Di for lunch. : ) He then left and went to work. And Di and I went to run some errands. First time I had been in her new car….it is super cool…just like her. We stopped and saw E. I had not seen E in a while and so that nice. We had a good vent session about work. Then Di went and ran one of her errands and then she brought me home because I needed to get some more work done for this weekend. Daddy came home and we went out grocery shopping and then went and saw another friend of ours TBN. She is a cutie but boy she can talk lol Her mouth does not stop. I came home and straightened some of the house up and I went to bed actually really early. Which might explain why I am now up at 3:46am

I bought Daddy 2 new floggers for Christmas and ordered both off ebay. The one has still not come and when I questioned them about it they said they were behind on schedule with the holidays in getting things out. I really want to see the new one. I was hoping to have it here too before this week.

I was hoping Daddy would let me use it when I might go play with a friend of mine. : ) We might have some time in a Dungeon of a Pro Domme we know. So that would be cool.

Probably should let Daddy use it on me before I take it huh lol

I have so many articles started and not finished….I really actually have been in the mood to write too so I wish I could have some time to focus on them. I have the Submission is not a Gift on started, one on humiliation, another on fear, pain, darkside, and one other I cannot find right now. Oh and I wrote one on poly and have actually like 3 more started to go along with that. I might post the one on poly here.

Poly is something I wanted even before bdsm. I was a little girl and not sure where I got this idea from but I would draw these houses and it would have a Master bedroom where the Man would sleep and then I had rooms where the wives would sleep. Catch that plural? I did say wives. I always envisioned being in a kitchen and laughing and cooking and cleaning with other women. I always thought it was like they took turns being with him at night. Not sure where I got that as I was raised in a “normal” family – mom, dad, kids. We went to a Christian church so I did not get it from being Mormon or anything. I just wanted it to be that way I

Okay I better get to bed. I have a feeling tomorrow is going to be a long day.

Good night….

Thursday, January 11, 2001

Phenomenal Woman

by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder
where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to
suit a model's fashion size
But when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.
I say
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips
The stride of my steps
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please
And to a man
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees
Then they swarm around me
A hive of honey bees.
I say
It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth
The swing of my waist
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say
It's in the arch of my back
The sun of my smile
The ride of my breasts
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say
It's in the click of my heels
The bend of my hair
The palm of my hand
The need for my care.
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

I just have always liked that poem and I came upon it this morning and thought I would share it here...

peace and serenity,

Sunday, January 07, 2001

Birthday Wishes....

Happy Birthday Jackie!

I could drink a case of you....

I love you....

peace & serenity,

Thursday, January 04, 2001

My Version of D/s is definitely not this guys....

I came upon a site and I cannot believe all the things that I disagree with on it. I know I took it very literal but to me you need to be CLEAR on what you are meaning in D/s because we each have our own ways and views of how to do life. I disagree so strongly I am writing about them. I wonder if this person has ever done Real Life D/s. Or if it has totally been online. Because going from my experiences – I would say he has only done online.

I am going to cut and paste and then commented on each thing.

"If he is not happy or content with a slave or a slave is not happy and content with their MASTER and it cannot be resolved within a reasonable amount of time he must release her. If he does not release her she has the option to seek another even while enslaved and when another MASTER claims her she is owned by him from that point on.”

If the Master did not release the slave and she was unhappy, what makes it right for her to seek another Master? If she is totally enslaved she would just put up with it and keep serving to me. I am not sure I understand why a Dominant would get involved with a slave that has not been released either. To me it sounds like a way for a Dominant to hit on slaves that are taken by saying, “well she was not happy.”

To me it is the Master's responsibility to release her if he that concerned in making her happy. (But that brings up a whole other set of issues with me.) If he wants to keep her as a slave, he then needs to find a way to resolve the issues he has with her being unhappy...whether that is through meeting her needs to make her happy or saying screw it she needs to suck it up. The same if the slave is not making the Master happy then she needs to find other ways of serving or maybe the Master could modify her training. Or if it is not just not workable, release her. To me there are 3 options in this world – acceptance, change, or go on to something new. So the slave or Master can accept that this is how life will be, they can change it or they can get out.

I want to say some – I put emphasis on some – of this website I agree with. But other parts are just out there.

"A slave derives pleasure from pleasing.”

I do not think a slave derives pleasure. But it is hoped that as a slave, I am getting some fulfillment by pleasing the Dominant. When the word pleasure is used I think many Dominant thinks, “Oh she is giving me this blow job and she will get pleasure from that so no need for sexual gratification for her since the blow job will do that.” *rolling eyes* On a poly list, I recently wrote that I can come second, but that I must come first sometimes in order have my needs fulfilled. It applies to this also. I can give a Dominant a blowjob and do it lots but at some point my sexual needs are going to have to be fulfilled. Slaves have needs just like Master and just "pleasing" does not fulfill all of the slaves needs.

“Manners: A slave must always act respectful to others because she represents her MASTER at all times. She is not allowed to talk to other D/s lifestyle Dominant men or women as each one has their own perception of what’s right or wrong which they feel is right. To engage in conversation with them dilutes a slaves focus to her MASTER.”

Okay I agree that a slave must be respectful and represent her Dominant at all times. But it is this other part what started me wanting to write about this site. This screams that the Dominant is not secure in himself, his slaves or his training of them. It sends little red flags up to me that say the Dominant is scared that his point of view isn't strong enough to keep his slave. Because the slave just hearing someone else’s view could cause her to leave. I believe if you really feel that way, you really should not be in the relationship at all. Because it shows that you do not know your slave/submissive/partner well enough.

“I believe a slave cannot ask an unsolicited question from her MASTER. A question is a demand for an answer and a slave cannot demand anything of her MASTER. She may preface a question with “May (name) ask....” to her MASTER giving him the option to answer or not to answer.”

Okay I have given a lot of thought on this above statement. And I have taken it very literally. But also am toning that down. I do not understand how this works. Questions are learning. Taking it literally this tells me is that the Master might be talking about his favorite hobby…maybe fly fishing and instead of the slave being able to learn about her Master’s favorite hobby by asking questions she just gets to sit there and look pretty. So by restricting questions, I feel the Dominant does not want her to serve to her full potential. Because to me a slave asking questions is learning what her Master want, needs and desires so that she can better serve him. Whether the Dominant wants to answer them is where the control comes into play. She is not “forcing” him to answer – She is not “demanding” he answers. He can if wants or not.

Toning it down - I think he means a slave cannot say, "I would like to go out to dinner tonight Master, can we?" If this is an example of what he means, I still do not get it because the Master has the control to say yes lets or no we do not. She is not "forcing" him to get in the car and go to dinner. She is expressing a want. And to me, a Dominant would want to know his submisives/slave/partners wants as well as needs.

Which brings me to another thing, if a slave cannot ask questions to me she is going to start topping from the bottom, because instead of asking "Master may we turn the heat up, I am cold?" She is going to say, "I am cold." And thus "getting" the Dominant to say "oh lets turn the heat up." To me she is manipulating the situation to get the heat turned up, instead of being direct, clear and expressing herself by saying, "...may we turn the heat up..."

I know my Daddy would hate me sitting shivering just because I would not "ask" if we could turn up the heat.

I mean I think of all the things that my Daddy would have missed if I did not ask a question. We would have missed out on some good times by me not asking to go to dinner, movies, concerts/events and such. He would have missed out on knowing my favorite foods at certain places, he would have missed that I always ask for a chocolate shake at a certain time of month, he would have missed out that I wanted to see Matrix or other movies, he would have missed out that Garbage is one of my favorite bands. Just as a slave needs to find out her Master's likes and dislikes, I feel it is benefits the Dominant too.

“Permission: I believe that a slave must ask permission for everything unless instructed otherwise by her MASTER as he is ultimately responsible for her.”

Well, I have problems with this one because it is a lot of effort and responsibility with a slave to ask permission for everything. Does a Master really want to spend all day answering questions. I also don't like the thought of having to ask permission for everything because I think that can be used as a crutch -- it can be a false form of control. I am sure this will offend some but how often does a dominant really think about the answer? So is it really control if the answer is always yes?

Ultimately the slave is responsible for obeying. And he is responsible of whatever he wants. If he wants to be responsible for him -- more power to him but again -- seems like a lots of focus on the slave who is suppose to be serving. This way it seems like the Master is serving her. He controls her but she is the one obeying each time. She is the one that works through the serving if it gets hard. She is the one who is responsible for her thoughts and emotions and how those are handled. So really he isn't responsible for her.

And again to take it literally this counters what he said before about asking questions. To ask a question is a demand. So she is suppose to ask permission (which would be in a form or a question) but yet she is not suppose to ask questions because that is making a demand on her Master. Hmmmmm

“From the slaves perspective the more pleasure she gives the more rewards she receives. The more pleasure the MASTER receives the more rewards he gives. The reward often times is “LOVE”. Hmm what if a submissive/slave does not love her Dominant. I think a person can be owned without loving their Dominant. So how would love be a reward in that situation. Reward….hmmm I have always had a problem with that term as it was used for that meaning. Why would I need a reward if I was just doing what is expected of me as a slave? Do I reward the Dominant for dominating me or controlling me? Do I reward him for having his needs fulfilled through me giving submission? It is kind of like the gift theory. Submission is not a gift to me.

I do not agree with things on the site I read but we all have our own way of doing things. Just some ways seems a little set another planet -- not earth because the feet aren't firmly planted in reality. Or maybe the Master and the slave are Superman and superslave be able to follow all that in real life. Real life D/s is hard. It takes so much effort on both the Dominant and slaves part. The responsibility and focus is continuous and sometimes life just happen to make that things blurred a little. When serving I always know who I am and where I belong, but maintaining the deepness to it is a lot of work.

peace & serenity,
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