Thursday, October 31, 2002

Time to (okay it took me more then an hour...damn it is 3 pages what do you expect especially with the feelings I am having)

I have been at Moni's since Tuesday evening. Her, a couple other friends and myself went to dinner and then to see White Oleander on Tuesday.

One of the first lines in the movie was....

"Belonging to her was so dangerous it made me feel safe."

Isn't that a marvelous line? LOL :) yummy!

Wednesday then I hung out at Moni's during the day. I saw Monseigneur E online but decided we need a little space before chatting again after our talk on Tuesday. That talk is still affecting me. I have written quite a bit about it in my offline journal because I had to get the feelings out. I have seen Linda on also and not messaged basically because of the same reason. I need to start distancing. I was hoping I would have his help with that and that was the whole point of me starting that discussion the other day. But it did not end up that way. *shrugs*

I talked to M about it. He listened but he does not know much about Monseigneur E and Linda so really did not offer advice or opinions. Nick read my journal entry and was concerned so asked me to call him.

I then went to Katrina's Wedneday night to hang out and talk. Then today I went to Cleveland, ran errands and then spent the afternoon with M...which I will talk about later! I am a happy little girl tonight. :)

Things I have been thinking about….expressing feelings/projecting feelings….

I think there is a difference between expressing feeling and projecting feelings. I am very aware of those types of things…projecting feelings, passive/aggressive and manipulation. I can look back at times in my life where I did one or all those things and I don’t want to repeat those behaviors. Now I express my feelings, something I did not do in the past. I try never to say YOU ARE….insert negative adjective, because to ME that is projecting. Saying I not projecting.

Being a slave….

I am not sure why but it is like a light bulb has went on with me recently...I understand what it means to be a slave. Can I explain it? LOL no not yet. I never thought I was as slave but felt I could be….and now…I know I can be it is just going to take LOTS of hard work. But it is really what I desire. When M and I talk about Master/slave relationships, it just fits in so right with what I have always felt and thought…it just makes sense to me.

WOW…it would be so incredible if I really could get to that point. I want it so very very much.

Today…*big smiles*
I know I float around on cloud 9 after seeing M. I look like a silly little girl. It is hard….I cry…I fight…and yet….it is the most incredible thing I think I have ever experienced.

Today we met and he took me to the horse races….something I had not done before. I did not do anything but watch him but I enjoyed it. I just was so thrilled to be with him I know I probably would have been happy watching grass grow LOL :) But going and doing that which I have never done – and then doing it with him and watching him…was very nice.

The Dominance is incredible. I have never had anyone do Dominance like he does…it is always there...I mean always! Even when he is sitting having a conversation about the horses it was there.

The problem we are having right now…I fear him. I don’t fear that he will damage me or do permanent harm. The fear is so many things…it is fear of just anticipation of what will come next, fear of where he will take me this time, fear of not having control, and what seems to be a big one for me right now just fear of the pain. And what is up with that?

I know what is up with that…M has given me pain like I have not had since I was 18 and with Don. The pain is same, but not the relationship just to put a warning here : )

The fear does not make me run…the fear is just an emotion…not actually what I want as I don't want to run. I mean when I think of the pain he is giving me right now…he has given me worse so I logically know I can handle it. But it is…so hard right now to take the pain. I mean it hurts in a different way. So I have been fearing it…and I get so scared that I make myself sick.

So, M talked about it with me and he has a solution we are going to work on this weekend. I mean the fear does not make me run. Afterwards I feel this high…and it is like I have been floating on cloud 9 and I don’t even go to subspace with him. It is almost like I am in subspace afterwards, because the emotional masochism kicks in. When I just feel it all and enjoy it, after the fear and pain. I don’t know if I am making sense.

I fear so much, but I need to be there so much to feel that fear. I needed him today. I needed him is the only way I can describe it too. He asked me if I wanted to leave a few times….and I said no each time even though the fear was just racing through me….but I needed him so much I knew I could not leave….it would just leave me empty.

His Dominance makes me not want to run. It makes me want to take the pain. It makes me want to beg for the pain even though I have not been able to do that because yet because the fear ends up stopping me.

When I got in the car, he pulled my hair. When we were at the races, he would say, “come” (to follow) and “stay here.” When we went to eat, I was not allowed to open the menu. He ordered for me. He was commanding, but so himself…telling me stories and jokes. It was so natural. I don’t understand how he does that….but I like it. I feel my submission just open up and want to pour out. It is nice to submit to someone right here. But I hold I still hold some back. 

I really hate the fearing the fear. Because today was painful but it is something I should have been able to take better. And I fought it. I fought him and I feel so bad about that. I just want to learn to be good, accept the brutality, and not fight him.

Skipping some aspect of today that I need to right now, but I stripped right away and he had me bend over he spanked me hard. He kicked my cunt. I fell to my knees and he yelled at me to stand up straight and not go to my knees. He did it again and then the fear took over. Ugghh I am so mad at myself. Some more things happened and some more things...and then he wrote on me. I am not going to say what he wrote on me because I want it for me and only me, but it made me feel good in the way that again it feels natural like it is really me. Then some more things happened and some more. And finally he fucked me in the ass. I then gave him a massage and we talked about the fear. I then begged him to kick my cunt. Something he wanted me to do. 

He give me lessons I need to learn with him. Such as don’t tell him something will hurt…because he will show me something that hurts more. Don’t say no…because he will do it more. Don’t try to fight or he will push it harder.

I like that he does not let me have control even when it is my emotions reacting not really what I want or think.

I mean I fight sometimes because of natural instinct, but when he tells me to stop I do. So, it is not me fighting to fight…it is me fighting because my brain says you are not getting air…get air…so hands come up to fight him. Or my brain telling me whatever it being "attacked" to make it stop. So instincts kick in.

I feel like all the words I could ever say are never going to explain what happens when I am with him. They never are going to explain the pain I feel…the fear I feel…and the calmness too.

Makes me think of that quote in White Oleander….."Belonging to her was so dangerous it made me feel safe."

What I have craved for years is…to feel like I did when with Don….the good aspects of Don. And M brings me to it…and past it….and I am flying high tonight because of him….and all the while remember who I am….to him….nothing. I am valued...with him though...he is showing me that too. I am valued toy to abuse. :)

It is a GREAT feeling!

Horoscope as of a blogger entry to come in 30 mins to an hour....

LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): You may be trying to clean up from something over the past few days, but it’s not going to be worth the effort. This doesn’t mean you should simply let the whole thing pass. It’s just that you may feel like you’re spinning wheels, but not getting anywhere. There isn’t an easy fix here that will make everyone feel better.

Wednesday, October 30, 2002

The farther a man knows himself to be free from perfection, the nearer he is to it. - Gerard Groote

Tuesday, October 29, 2002

Just a quick post....

Today has been less then fun lol Oh well....such is life at times. I think there should have been a warning in my horoscope the last few days....of having any serious conversations. Last night I had a 2 hour conversation with Nick and then today I had one with Michael....then one with Monseigner E. Last night ended up okay...not great but okay. It was hard. And today's with Michael was not great. And I understood it and know what it means to me. And then the talk with Monseigneur E was very hard and did not end good. I knew I would just have to end it and stop trying to explain what I felt and thought. Sir Laz's also adviced me to do the same and so I said good bye.

I am on my way out the door now...and will think about everything that was talked about in the conversations. I am going out to dinner and movie tonight. I was suppose to go to Cleveland today but that....kind of got side tracked after my conversation with Monseigneur E. I spent 30 minutes on the phone with Aydeen after it. And then got hugs from Bill when he got home as I was not doing good at all.

Bill made a good point to me today about something too that I actually noticed but I think kept pushing it away since I did not want to admit it. But that is something I am going to think on before writing about.

Okay I need to head to Akron.....a nice drive should be good for me :)

Monday, October 28, 2002

Update of the weekend…and a ramble…

Friday we went to a strip club. The dancers had terrible attitudes. I wonder why people go with them having that type of attitude. The feature had the hugest tits. It looked like she had volleyball in each one. They were that looked like it hurt. Also she thought it was impressive to hang a cowboy hat off on of them. *rolls eyes*

Then Saturday I wrote M a long letter. I am glad he heard what I had to say and appreciate that he listened. Saturday evening it was Carpe Diem and then a play party. I had a nice time mingling at the party. And a very good time playing. Bill played with me…he used floggers, the viper, and his single tail on me. Plus spanked me…and of course I came lol I love the fast, medium impact spankings….the just make great vibrations through the body and so I cum…multiple times lol

I was suppose to meet M for coffee on Sunday morning, but I had a migraine and was sick to my stomach so I had to cancel. And I really really did not want to. I was looking forward to seeing him…not even just to play but also to talk to him. But I did want to play…well I wanted to suffer actually.

I was telling someone today that with M…it is not just being a painslut. I am not that with him. I am not a masochist either. I am some other thing…I suffer and I need that. I never knew how much I needed to suffer. Or maybe just never admitted it. There are lots of things that I experience with M that I never talk about out loud. That I desire so much…it is scary and makes me feel alive.

Back to the update…I then talked with M on the phone and online a few times…and our talks were very interesting. One of our conversations - I am sure anyone listening would think I am insane….lol but…I can’t even explain how what he does makes me feel. It just feels very right. Everything he was saying to me, I could feel in the depths of my soul, was true… and right and I needed to hear and feel.

I have not done this in a while but I did the….wondering WHY I want to be treated like he treats me. And then as Sir Laz said…what is to wonder. I just need to know he does make me feel this way and I like it and need it.

I talked with Sir Laz and Aydeen yesterday. Sir Laz was helping me sort through things with me…he is very objective and I guess I feel he has the most unbiased, non-judgemental view to me right now. Lots of what he said I actually have heard before…from M. But Sir Laz did not know that. I felt clearer after talking to Sir Laz. I really appreciated his words and listening to me.

There were a few times where he said a slave does not…and I would read back what I had written to him. And agree with him.

It is so weird how my D/s has come to this even level… of what I thought D/s was and what it is actually to me NOW. I do worry about what people think of ME and what I do but I don’t. It is hard to explain. There are some people that affect me more…if I feel or think they disapprove or are disappointed in me I just get so upset. But then there are people who I am close to and even if they don’t like what I am doing….it does not affect me.

My D/s has changed so much though…being a slave means so much more to me then it did. I want to be a slave more then I think I ever have before.

I want to give so completely.

Last night I talked to Aydeen about losing myself in someone. I want that very much. I can see that happening to me very easily also…but at the same time I know I fight that.

I want to make Him my world. I want to give my body, mind, soul and heart…to Him. I want to serve and please and dedicate myself to becoming this thing I have always needed to be…a slave to a Master.
From Bleu's journal again....her 10/27 entry...."It was good to be with someone, spend time with someone and have it just be effortless. No big talks about everything. No constant evaluation and re-evaluation and revisiting of what just occured. Just a natural flow of togetherness and calm. I needed to remember that's how things are supposed to be."

That would be so nice.....

Sunday, October 27, 2002

No flower's scent
goes against the wind—
not sandalwood,
But the scent of the good
does go against the wind.
The person of integrity
wafts a scent
in every direction.


Saturday, October 26, 2002

This week has been an okay week. I was not thrilled with some points of it.

I want what I always have wanted….a Master. I want a Master who is sadistic but I want more then that…I want someone I can surrender to completely. There is a lot more to this….I want to be able to be me….and want someone who wants me to be me.

I feel very frustrated and pulled in many directions. I have feelings for Nick that are still very strong. I have feelings for Monseigneur E and he still affects me as a submissive. I have feelings for M. I feel this thing click in me when I am with him. He seems to access parts of me that I pushed down and tried to pretend were not there or not “that” dark.

We all have different aspect to our personality….there are common threads that are through us that are the core. So like at work you might be more reserved, but your core beliefs are still there…your integrity and honor. You might be able to let go a little more with friends and then…with your spouse, significant other you are able to just be. And that part of me….is not a part I let show to many people because it is the part that desires to surrender and be nothing. And it makes me feel very exposed and vulnerable to that person. So trust is VERY important.

Analogy that came to mind….a kaleidoscope. The little pieces of glass in it are all traits of our personality. You spin it and all those pieces come together and people at work see that image. Spin it again all those pieces come together forming yet a different picture…and that is how we are with friends. And spin it again and put in the situation and that is how we are in that situation. So we are always ourselves…it is just is a different perspective.

I want to have someone come and pull the kaleidoscope open and look at the pieces. Accept those pieces….and want to let those pieces come together in a way to be really the me I have always needed to be.

It takes trust….to get to that point. Trust in all areas…not just some.

M gets physical trust. And Nick and Monseigneur E get emotional trust. Now I just need to trust someone with both….

Can I even do that?

I wonder. I want to VERY much….I know that.

I have been told many times my life is chaotic. I understand that. I have lots of things going on. But it does not “feel” chaotic. And when I look at it…there are many times it does not look very chaotic to me. But I am used to it maybe. I don’t want chaos but I guess I am used to it.

Just to clarify before I say this…there are LOTS of reasons I want to surrender to someone. This what I am mention is just something I think and feel….when I think of surrender.

I feel free of the chaos when I surrender. When I was M 2 weeks ago, all the chaos was gone. Nothing mattered but him and I and the thoughts, feelings and sensations of that time. Was it just an escape? I don’t think so. I believe that when I surrender everything empties out and makes sense. And the chaos…does not just leave but it is not there because then I am in the place I need to be.

About a year before I moved to Cleveland, my life started to be chaotic….basically it all started when I started looking for an owner.

I know I justify my chaos right now. I justify it because it….is not nearly like it was…and so that makes me feel good. Because I do eliminate things that….are harmful.

I am not sure I am making much sense right now. Just writing…babbling.

I guess what I believe is that when I am owned…and surrender…the chaos will end because I will be who I have always needed to be….

Well nothing like a good dose of honesty with myself….lol

I wish without doubts I could go to the coffee shop tomorrow. But I can’t. Life has to many gray areas to make it that simple right now.

Friday, October 25, 2002

I am on the way out the door about to go to a strip club with Bill and Lisa. Lisa dyed my hair tonight! wooohooo! I wanted to post this....because Friday evening....I was basically given an ultimatium. And thought this fit to it voice is saying going to fast. I guess I will have tomorrow to think on it some too but right now need to finish getting dressed up....and go out and see naked bodies! And have a few drinks with good friends! :)

LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): It may not be very serious, but you feel like you are at odds with your own inner feelings. You know what you’re supposed to do. And you really do want to do it. But there’s this quiet, hesitant voice coming from inside you making you question your own basic needs. Don’t distract yourself with lots of external noise. Listen to what the voice is saying before you take action.

Thursday, October 24, 2002

I have had a blank document open all day. I feel it in the deepness of who I am….I feel so many things right now. Everytime I think of his words I start to get upset today. Why does he have such a hold on me and I never met him? Why do I let him affect MY life…so?

Because I want to submit to him….I am sure it is just that simple.

With Nick it is different. And I don’t like that it has changed. I know the reasons why it has….more then one there.

Last night Nick messaged me after reading my journal. He wanted to know what I had been keeping from everyone. And so I asked to call him. He was on his way to class so we only had a few minutes at that time. We talked later in the evening though. So, since I told Nick… I knew I had to come to face telling Monseigneur E. And I was dreading that. It turned out so far pretty much how I thought it would.

Nick and I had a long talk. And he was not happy with my answers. He still cares for me though. And still wants something with me.

I explained to him right now I am very frustrated with him… and with Monseigneur E. Even though I understand both their reasons why I have not been there to visit. It does not make it easier…really. I know that Monseigneur E wants to give me time when I am there and right now that would not be possible. And Nick well right now it is a financial thing for both of us really. And that is the bottom line on that. But he is beyond the time of wanting to meet and is just as frustrated about it as I am about it.

I told Mistress DM today also…and she and I talked about that is my life. She knows how I put stake into what my friends say. I want their opinions. I hear their opinions but in the end it is my choice and life and I don’t like having to go against what they say….because I worry about their reactions…worry if they will approve or disapprove. I value their opinions even if they are not what I want to hear or what I go with.

Sometimes they agree with me and sometimes they do not.

Hearing Monseigneur E’s words were very hard to hear. I knew they would be and even though I was avoiding telling him I did not avoid hearing what he had to say. I knew I needed to hear it. Because right now his opinion still has a lot of weight with me. I am still very much…wanting to submit to him.

He did not say anything “wrong” - or that I took “wrong” but it still upset me. I hung up the phone with him and cried. I don’t like that what he thinks still affects me so much.

When I made the decisions to play with M (new persons name in my journal from now on), I did it for reasons….1) all he said was true, 2) I needed something he could give me, 3) he is local. I am tired of things not working out with people long distance. And I did not think of anyone but me in the moment of saying yes lets get together.

He gives me things I need…what is wrong with that? I have felt things in the recent weeks that I have not felt before or felt in a very long time. What is wrong with that?

I am being “foolish” - that was one thing I was told….I don’t understand that….I don’t.

M and I talked for quite sometime before I decided to get together. Because I did have questions because….of the past. And he cleared those up for me….and after playing with him again…I know he will not emotionally damage me. He pushes me far but I trust him not to push me over or if he does…he will bring me back whole. I just know it.
From Bleu's Journal...the Monday entry (10/21)....."I'd rather have a dynamic that just was because of who I was, because of who he was."

Wednesday, October 23, 2002


I am home from being broken. He breaks me so easily. He uses and abuses me in a way that pushes all my buttons. Things I haven't ever even said outloud.

My bruises from my birthday are still bright on my skin and new bruises forming on top. I like the look of the bruises on top of bruises. 

Our time together feels violent. It feels like abuse.  I am sobbing and feel the fear just shaking through my body telling me to run. But I can't. I stay there and take it. He doesn't restrain me. He wants me to submit to his sadism fully and willingly. 

So today I am feeling broke and battered.  I feel like me again.

Tuesday, October 22, 2002

I am very antsy right now and thinking of leaving the house for a little while. I feel on edge. I woke up with a nightmare. I took a nap today because I just could not stand it anymore….I needed sleep. It was way past time for sleep. Anyway, I slept this afternoon. And I woke up on edge.

So, I want to get out and away for a little bit. But not sure if I will….

I have not told people in my life something - purposely - but on Friday it came out to several people and then last night I told Bill and Lisa. It is not that I did not trust any of the people in my life it is that I did not want to have anyone disappointed in me. I was worried about reactions.

So I did avoidance well.

I am just so tired still….feel like I could sleep for a few days straight. Mistress DM told me I needed an earlier bedtime. I have tried to go to bed earlier….in the past when it was like this and it really does not work well. I will go and lay there and stare at the clock moving past each hour. : (

I hate when I get in this place wehre I crave control. And crave all the things that right now I am not sure I should be wanting.

Life sucks…lol

My life felt in limbo when moving. Felt in limbo as I was waiting to go to Monseigneur E and Linda’s but at least there was a focus or direction. Right now I am lost. I don’t have a clear focus of what I am wanting or what I should be doing.

Monday, October 21, 2002


I think Lisa is probably very upset with me right now. I told her before I said anything I did not want a lecture. I am not sure why a lectures upset me so….maybe it is a feeling of disappointment…that I have disappointed the person. Anyway, I could tell she was biting in a lot. And I am sorry for that. I did tell her she could talk because I could see it and I did not want her to hold it in.

I am sure Bill will not be thrilled either. But I saw that Lisa was upset and I was sorry that I upset her.

I am crashing for some reason tonight. Crashing about what I am not sure…

I just am feeling lots of feelings and don’t feel I have control of any of them at this moment. I have been doing pretty good at keeping all the balls I am juggling up in the air and I just am tired and don’t want to do it anymore.

I want to go to sleep….and get some rest….

Wake up and have things be okay….

Why can’t it be like that?
Can any lock keep love confined within,
When the loving heart's tiny tears escape and confess it?

The unloving belong only to themselves,
But the loving belong to others to their very bones.

-Tirukkural 8:71-72
Horoscope...not from my usual place though.....

Sometimes the more you try to ignore a pain, the more intense it becomes. It might not be the pain itself that you're resisting but the change that it implies. Focus on the cause of the discomfort rather than the sensation itself and you'd be surprised at how much you can learn. Learning to win means learning to play with the cards in your hand.

Sunday, October 20, 2002

I have had a busy weekend. :)

Friday night Moni got some friends together to celebrate my birthday. We went to dinner and then went and have a private little party at the space. The person I have been kind of seeing was at both.

I had a very nice time yet was very nervous because he was there. I knew everyone would kind of be “watching us.” And so it was a little nerve racking.

But I was very happy to be spending my birthday with good friends.

At the space…he would use an implement on me hard and then stop and we would sit and talk and then he would use something else on me. I have lots of bruises. He used toys that were the most sever. He use most the full force...even though he was holding himself back in how hard He plays. I have bruises scattered all over my body.

There are things he and I talk about that seem really on it. And then there is something else there that makes me question what I am doing. I was talking to someone last night that was at my party on Friday night. I was worried she was upset with me. She is someone I really respect and look up to. I value her opinion a lot. I value all my friends’ opinions but she is a Dominant and I needed that perspective. Specifically her perspective. Her issues were clear and I understood them. And it has given me lots to think about.

Last night….

I am not even sure what I write about last night. It was SMART and we had someone come in and talk that I respect and admire. His topic was very interesting. He is a very interesting man and I had trouble relaxing around him. I felt like….I was going to screw something up. And I hate when I get that way. But I understand why I felt that way. I want something and he is the only one that can grant me permission to have it.

I got a very cool birthday present from him. I hope to feel it used on me sometime soon. It is a strap. I suppose I should ask if I can use his name here and put his website on my links because he makes very good quality leather goods. Actually they are so good that when I have given gifts…lifestyle gifts….his products are what I give.

I am very upset with myself about a few things….you would think this submissive thing would get easier as the years go on lol

Last night I felt compelled to do something and I held back. Why? Because I was scared. Because I was scared of what it meant, how he would take it and what would happen then. So I did not hold myself up to my expectations of who I want to be…and that annoys me…it feel like an integrity issue almost. With Monseigneur E I finally have started getting that anytime I hold back that it was only harming me. But it is still a lesson that….I guess I am trying to get through this thick skull.

There are lots of things going on in my head. I don’t like that it is spinning all over the place today.

Friday, October 18, 2002

I think I have most of the blogger changes done…I am sure I will do some tweaking here and there. : ) Things I need to do is finish getting my archives up. And it is about that time for a cast list change. I think I am going to get rid of old names…those that I don’t mention anymore. There are a few of those names though that impacted my life enough that they will stay on that list always. And I will probably add a name or two.

This week actually has been really good for me - despite having my period and feeling like crap from it lol

I have felt very focused. I made a list of everything I need to get my butt in gear on. And I felt less stress this week. And I think it is due to my playing on Sunday. I know Saturday night playing helped too…Saturday was more for fun…and Sunday was more of a catharsis. I needed to go through what I did though on Sunday…kind of like a shedding of old skin.

I still have lots to work out in my life. I still want to submit to Monseigneur E but I believe fully that now is not the time. And if we get that chance ever…I am very unsure about. Linda and I talked the other night. She talked with me like her friend…like the friend I was before I submitted to her Master. And I was happy about that. I hope her and I move back to being friends like we were....before.

I sat here for about 5 mins wonder if I should have posted that. I hate that I go up and down about what I post about…I am neurotic : )

Well, I had been really depressed about my birthday but now I am kind of happy it is here…only thing that sucks is I started getting a cold yesterday and now it has hit me harder today. Moni is having a little party for me tonight and so I am hoping I feel better. I do feel a lot better then I did this morning and even before lunch. : )

So I do have a few topics I want to ramble about…

Slaves being burnt out…

It seems like so many slaves I talk to lately are burnt out. And not sure that is the right word for everyone. But so many are feeling very similar things and that is the closest thing I can compare it too. The pain I am feeling from the slaves I am talking is so intense. I remember how that felt to be in similar situation…and what to do for a solution just seems no where to be found.

How does a relationship not get to that point is what I want to know. And I am probably being judgmental… I put a lot of on the Master. Because it seems to me the Dominants don’t feel like putting the energy into giving that boost back to get the slave back out of that slump.

Last night we had a Girl’s Night Out (GNO) and it made me think of the first GNO I went to. I was owned…and I was just so relieved to be able to be with a bunch of women and not have to serve and not have to anticipate and be on it. I was able to wear panties, I was able to wear sweats, I was able to wear a t-shirt and I could just be…and I was so tired then…that it was like a mini-vacation even though it was only one night.

I mean isn’t that sad that one night meant so much to me?

Visible Mark – specifically facial bruising…

Okay next topic I am taking this personally I know I am …

I started a thread on a local list and I feel like got a little out of control. I started the topic and put myself out there...I just did not think I would be judged so by those who know me. It is silly but those on a national list were okay with it. Did not hear much back…but those that were local acted like I murdered someone.

I have bruises on my face. And I love them. It is not something I would want everyday. But they mean something to me.

Mostly people were upset I would expose children to my bruises. My argument being then…okay when I was moving I had boxes fall on me and I had a bruise on my forehead and lots of them on my body does that mean I hide from the world with those? Just because I got the bruises from play why does it make any difference?

The grocery store clerk is going to look at my bruises on my face right now and not think much differently then she would with the bruise I got from the box falling on me when I moved.

Also if the grocery store clerk thinks I am abused…so what. I am not and if she cares to ask I will be happy to say no I am not and that the bruises are okay with me. If I were to be questioned further…I am out and open about my lifestyle and I am happy to discuss it with others.

As far as exposing children…the children I am around have not said anything and if they would. I would assure them I am okay and if they thought it was from abuse I would again assure them I am okay. That no one is hurting me.

There were many more things said and all of them pretty much irritated me. And not that they irritated me because they disagreed with me, what got to me is that they made me seem like what I am doing is WRONG and what they are doing is RIGHT. And who is to judge that…in BDSM we all have our own kinks. I hate tickling. It is a limit. It goes back to my childhood and I so I hate to be tickled. I don’t tell anyone else they are wrong to be tickled. That it could traumatize them just because it is not good for me.

The Sadist put the bruises on my face was very controlled in how he did it. And did it very purposefully. It was done under the BDSM communities’ slogan – SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual). (I prefer RACK – Risk Aware Consensual Kink.)It wasn't out of control rage punching me. At least it didn't seem that way to me.

Next topic...Nick...

I got an email the other night from Nick after he read my journal. The email touched me. He expressed many things again that I did not know he felt. He ended up calling me the next day and we talked for a long time. He made me laugh and smile something he does very well.

I am going to need a name for the new person...even though he not new in my life. We have talked a little bit every day.

I think about what happened Sunday and it...scares me that when I think of makes me feel good. And people read that probably think what are you complaining about that for...

Because what was done to me…was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. The whole time I was with him it was full of fear and my body reacted. I was so wet…I don’t know if I ever been that wet before. I felt it all over my thighs. But here I don’t get this...I was not turned on mentally...I felt the pain and fear. I just felt it permeate my whole body…as I curled into a little ball after punch, kick, slaps, zaps of electricity…everything he did to me made me fall over...and go into this emptiness of pain and fear. Only thing in that moment was him and the pain and the fear. I did not feel anything else in the moment. And for a girl whose mind and feelings don’t slow down…it was an incredible feeling.Just to feel those things. I know that must sound odd.

He humiliated me. And told me who I was…and made me *know* it through my body...

And I think of the pain and how I suffered and I crave it...crave to suffer again....

Why do I crave something like that again?

I remember when I first realize there words like painslut and masochist. It made me feel so much better about myself and not worry about that I liked pain so much. Made me stop trying to figure why I was this way...

And now I almost feel I am going through this all again… like I am new and experiencing pain for the first time...

I said it was shedding...I did I shed a layer of old skin....something I am not.... to expose the person I am more…not a person most would want to be…

But I want to be nothing so much...

Wednesday, October 16, 2002

Having It All

How can I achieve a relationship with M/s, love, compassion, and abuse? Is it possible? I know that when I think of what Don did to me, some things my ex-husband did to me, and now the Sadist does to me...I question if it can be achieved.

Every time I walk away from the Sadist, I am broken. Oh yeah, I am seeing him again. I need to put myself back together. But is it really putting myself back together or is it putting masks and layers on to pretend I am like everyone else. Pretend I am a good girl that likes to be treated like a princess? Oh please...a princess?   Only time I have liked playing princess is within my Daddy/little girl relationship with Kam.  But even then I wasn't princess, but just Daddy's good girl. But really that is a small part of my personality.  The fear, the brutality, the need to be abused, humiliated, and degraded, those are me. Those take up a huge part of who I am and I am sure it is the parts that make a few friends tell me I won't ever be a slave. That a slave doesn't need those things. A slave is about obedience and service. I am wired for both so why can't I be wired for obedience, service, the need to feel fear, abuse, brutality, humiliation and degradation - why can't I find a relationship with all that and love?
This song I am playing over and over today..........Sixpence none the Richer - Breath your name....

It's everyday I'm in this place
I feel this way; I feel the same.
It's everyday I'm in this place
I feel this way; I feel the same.
Is it all inside my head?
Is it all inside my head?

I view the list and take my pick;
I'll view my fate and make the choice,
'Cause it's nobody else's but mine.

But You're in my heart--I can feel your beat.
And You move my mind from beind the wheel
When I loose control,
I can only breathe Your name.
I can only breathe Your name.

So many days within this race...
I need the truth, i need some grace.
I need the (?) to find my place;
I need some truth, i need some grace.
The part of You that's part of me
Will never die, will never leave.
And it's nobody else's but mine.

You are in my heart--I can feel your beat.
And You move my mind from beind the wheel.
When I loose control,
I can only breathe your name;
I can only breathe your name.

You view the list and take your pick;
You view my fate and make the choice--
'Cause I'm nobody else's but Yours.

And You're in my heart--I can feel your beat...
And You move my mind from beind the wheel.
When I loose control,
I can only breathe Your name.
'Cause you're in my heart--I can feel Your beat,
And you move my mind from beind the wheel.
When I loose control,
I can only breathe your name...
I can only breathe your name...
I can only breathe your name...
I can only breathe your name.

Tuesday, October 15, 2002

Where this will take me

Well lets see where this takes me…

Okay nothing seems to want to come out today…sitting starring at the white blank document before me and all see are images from Sunday and then images that Monseigneur E has left me with after our conversations.

I look in the mirror and see the marks on my face. I feel good with them. I feel they allow me to be something I have wanted to be for so long. He is allowing me to be nothing. He believes I am. He showed me I am…and it felt very freeing. I was scared. My mind would go between should I run - because it is not “normal” to feel pain like this - it is not “normal” to let someone do what he did to me….and the other part of me felt so at home…like this was “normal” for me.

My mind….when I felt the zap of electricity on my soaking wet cunt…spun to a place of blankness. It was empty…of worries. It was just pain. I knew why I was feeling that kind of pain…I knew who I was… and where I belonged. My brain then would start to spin again and I would scream no more as the pain was like nothing I had ever felt before. It was pure pain. Not pleasure. No orgasm from it. No masochist needs being taken care of in that moment. But it did unlock something. I felt it. And yet I don’t want to feel that pain ever again. Do I?

I get to this place of thinking about what happened and want to beg him to let me serve him…and I hold myself back. Because I also don’t know if I am thinking clearly…am I rebounding? I mean it could be that I am…I feel I am still attached to Monseigneur E in ways but others feel like I had to let it go…to keep going forward.

As usual my life has taken an unexpected turn…and now I will have a new set of circumstances to work out. At least I am not on a roller coaster though…those are the worst! : )

Monday, October 14, 2002

The purpose of life is not to be happy. The purpose of life is to matter, to be productive, to have it make some difference that you lived at all. - Arthur H. Prince

Sunday, October 13, 2002

I know the archives...listing is not lined up right....and not bold but I am too tired and will work on it tomorrow!

Is pretty much the word I can say about this weekend…

Not sure what I will say about it and what I won’t.

I had a really intense weekend.

Friday - it was karaoke night. That was a nice evening. And then Saturday, I ran errands with Moni and then there was a play party. Lisa looked very HOT! Yummy! Bill put a rope bra on me :) And then he did a very nice flogging scene with me. He bought a new toy just because I liked it and he used it….and OHHHHHHHH MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY that toys is AWESOME! And Bill did SO GREAT with it :) I was a very happy masochist *smiles* I ended up with some bruises to from it! I really enjoyed him playing with me!

Then today I met someone for coffee (who I had already known for over a year and even played with before)…not sure what kind of coffee he got me – but it was not bad. And after that we went and played….

Right now I have bruises on my face, back, bottom, breasts and most of them are from today and a few from last night. (Side Note: I do not want mail being concerned about the bruises on the face…I knew the risk going into what I did today.)

Moni is a great friend…so non-judgmental and supportive. I came home with bruises on my face and she was okay with it. Not that she would ever want it but she knows *I* liked them.

Part of me did…the other part plays today over in my mind and can’t believe what happened really did. The pain I felt was not like anything I ever felt before. And not sure I ever want to feel it again. But I am glad it happened. As I type that…it scares the sh*t out of me.

The person I played with today then showed up tonight at the movie (went and saw Secretary will give a review tomorrow) – Moni, Michael, Katrina and I went to. And that REALLY surprised me. But they got to meet him and I was glad about that.

I really want to talk about the suffering the mental things that went on today but right now I am so tired I could not type coherently anyway. So, I will try to explain it more tomorrow.

Thursday, October 10, 2002


LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): It feels like an intellectual springtime of sorts as Mercury breezes into your sign along with his trickster logic. You need to be careful, for Mercury is clashing with your planet Venus, creating some conflicts between what you know and what you want. You won’t be able to rely on your excellent skills of judgment. Neither will your heart give you a clear answer. It’s going to take time
Not even sure where to start and what to say….

Monseigneur E and I changed our arrangement. And there are no plans for me to visit in the near future. There are quite a few reasons for that. It does not mean I won’t “ever” visit. But that it is not happening soon.

The first day I actually felt like “good” now I do not have to be so in limbo. But then yesterday all my feelings ambushed me. I got very sad.

I feel like I get really close to something and then something always happens….

So I was sad about that most of Wednesday.

I got to talk to Honey yesterday though and that was great! She sounded really good. I miss her so much. I want to thank Michael for being a good friend to me yesterday.

Today I am meeting with someone to work out some “differences”….and my attitude about it is sucking. And I really need to get it in check before I go meet this person. After that I am going to Moni and Michael’s to spend the night. Tomorrow I am having lunch with a friend in Cleveland and then tomorrow night is Karaoke and a play party on Saturday night. So this weekend is busy busy busy.

Wednesday, October 09, 2002

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Dr. Seuss

Sunday, October 06, 2002

My mind is spinning out of control right now…

And the first thing that comes to mind is how much I would like pain. And I just had it last night so, you would think that I would not need it so soon.

Last night I had scene that was fairly intense in reaction…

I was tied down, blindfold, headphones (no music though just silence) and then breast bondage was done and pulling my tits up to a chain above the table I was tied to. It felt great. Just being tied down, blindfolded and the headphones were great. I could have just stayed that way for a while. The silence was incredible.

Several things were done…all turning me on…turning me on so that I had very intense orgasms…and even “squirted.” There was a knife being used on me…and it was a good mind f*ck. Even better then it has been in the past because…I was nicked the last time I played. And so knowing it COULD happen opposed to that it won’t happen because that person would never cut me has become an even bigger mind f*ck. The fear is cool : ) I was scared for a little bit that the person would stop because…I was saying no.

This is where the scene gets intense and not even sure the other word I want to describe it as…

I was saying no but I did not want him to stop. I was saying no but it was like I was deep inside screaming no….but it was like I was so far from what was going on. Almost like I was screaming no at something other then what was going on. I was almost outside myself but at the same time very aware of what was going on to me.

I am not even sure when the next part happened…what he was doing but I got angry. I got angry inside like I have never felt angry before. And I slammed my fist into the table – it the only part that could move. The anger welled up and I could not control it and I thought for a split second how good it was that I was restrained and then that anger just flooded through me and I felt overwhelmed by it. I had never felt anything like it before. And so it scared me. I started to sob from fear of it, just the feeling of anger; I just was so mad and wanted it all out. But then I realized I was probably freaking the people I was with…and so I sobbed I am sorry over and over again. And pushed it back in. I know not the thing I should have done.

I never let it out all the way. I never release all the way. But am glad the scene happened and some of it came out. We then kind of regrouped and then did another scene. He used things that I don’t really like…but I liked the pain. It hurt but it gave me parts of the pain that I needed. I just don’t feel like I take enough for the person I am playing with and wonder often what he gets out of playing with me.

I just had a nap and had a dream (that I have had before) where I was tied and I was being beat and it hurt so much. I was blindfolded, gagged, tied and Monseigneur E was beating me and I just had to endure it. Something I am not used to anymore. I used to be able to take so much more pain then I can now.

The pain that screamed through my body awoke all those boxes that I keep so locked up tight and he just kept going unlocking them one by one….each scream I had grew more and more intense. As I was releasing all of it….

I wanted to beg for mercy asking him to stop, I wanted to scream at him full of anger telling him to stop, I wanted to cry and no say anything just let the tears come out and hope that he did not stop so that it could come out….to the point of exhaustion.

I fear that dream so much. I have had it before and feared it just as much as I do now.

The pain in it…is not pain for pain really. Even though I want the pain to feel the pain today and that is why I think I had that dream. And it is not a craving of pain that is pleasurable that gives me sexual gratification. This is a different pain. I don’t know what the name of this pain is…but I get this feeling often.

I have quite a bit to do this week. I have lunches with a few people, need to work on planning committee things. I need to get some thoughts in order to have a conversation with someone that I want to have and get that in its place but I also dread.

I need to have a talk with Monseigneur E…as I have been putting that off too.

This coming up weekend is going to be so busy so I have to get things done so that I can relax and enjoy those things.

Saturday, October 05, 2002

I have lots of things on my mind but really not sure how to get any of them out and discuss them.

I just wish my life was not in limbo right now.

I am kind of cleaning house mentally, emotionally, spiritually….right now.

How do you know if the person you want to be with is the right person? How do you know a person won’t damage you (Side Note: I don’t think Monseigneur E will damage me this question is in regards to something else…just clarifying)? How do I live my life in balance? Making sure both sides are fulfilled?

That Libra thing lol Balance and harmony….. :)
LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): You sense that your life is at a critical junction. New information is coming out into the open and this is helping you understand what’s been going on. You still don’t have the full picture and you may be reminded of this as you try to integrate the events of the day. Accept those circumstances that you cannot change. Work toward changing that which is within your control.

This past week I spent with Moni and Michael. Tuesday I woke up with a migraine…so I was not a happy camper. Tuesday night met a friend…we ended up going to Barnes and Noble. He bought me a couple book is on Buddhism and the other on Tarot. I have started reading the Buddhism one and really like what I have read so far. It is very easy to understand.

Being aware…is the main focus and I like that concept behind that. Opening up and seeing – surroundings – knowing what is there and going on.

Wednesday – I went to lunch with a friend and then ran errands around Cleveland for a while. While out running errands, I actually ended up at the lake. The spot that Di always went too…well I am sure she still goes there lol But you know she is past tense now LOL

So I ended up at the lake and walked around and just contemplated the world lol

Wednesday evening I have a planning committee meeting so I went to that. And then stayed afterwards to talk to a couple people about a few things : )

Oh Wednesday before I headed to lunch I needed gas...I was standing pumping my gas and on the other side of the pump a man pumping his gas asked me to lunch. I think I stood there a moment to take it in and realize he was serious lol

After he left, I had a woman come up and had me “Jesus” material. I wanted to ask her out of all the people standing there pumping gas why she felt the need to give that to me. What made her look at me and think this girl does not believe in Jesus Christ? It offended me for some reason.

I talked to the Sadist the other night. I don’t think I will say much about it. He gave me lots to think about. I understand where he is coming from. But not sure anyone else would understand it. I am glad I talked to him.

I have got a chance to talk to Monseigneur E more this week then last week and I was very happy about that. :)

Moni and I were talking about the other night…and someone who is on there. She asked me how compatible I was with a certain person. Well, I am 98% compatible with this person. So, I went last night and changed bunches of things just because I was being a weird and did not want to be so compatible with him lol Well, I went and changed it all back tonight. And it shows us 98% compatible again. LOL Silly game : )

There were things I did not have marked right on there. It was weird. Anyway it all updated now.

Going to go to bed…

Mindfulness is not just a word or a discourse by the Buddha, but a meaningful state of mind. It means we have to be here now, in this very moment, and we have to know what is happening internally and externally. It means being alert to our motives and learning to change unwholesome thoughts and emotions into wholesome ones. Mindfulness is a mental activity that in due course eliminates all suffering. -Ayya Khema, "Be an Island"
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