Wednesday, July 30, 2003

Curse of the PMS Monster still...

I have been off the last few days. I know it is pms but also something is going on with the weather and my asthma has been really giving me problems the last few days. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest. It is really slowing me down.

I got all done that was on my list - but I know I should have and could have done more. I am feeling guilty again. I was doing so good too. :( I hope it is just pms & weather - and that I will be able to get back on track soon.

Yesterday for lunch Master came home to get me so we could run a grocery store. There were a few sales at another store that we don't go to regularly that we wanted to take advantage of and so He came to get me. They have a deli that makes sandwiches there so Master bought a couple of those. The bread was hard crusted bread like they serve in Europe. It had a really good flavored cheese on it and spicy mustard on it. We headed to the park afterwards - to have a picnic. We sat on a blanket talking and eating until we were invaded by bees. So we gather our food and blanket up and ended up eating in the car for the rest of our lunch. Master was late going back to work - but I am glad I had a chance to have a little picnic with Him - just time with Him I always appreciate.

PMS makes me cry lots. And so I am doing my usual and for no apparent reason. I hate that. Master has been taking good care of me and has been understanding when I am crying for no apparent reason.

Everything felt so calm and good since being back from Thunder and now I feel so off and just not able to focus very well. I tried to meditate today, but with such lack of focus and not able to calm myself - I was not able to get to a place that helped me.

Even now my mind is skipping all over - so that I am not able to focus on what I want to write.

Horoscope for tomorrow: LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): Normally you are quite careful about what you say and how you say it. You don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. But now you can talk first and think later. People may be surprised at your sudden bluntness. This is good news and bad news. The good news is that you are saying what’s on your mind. The bad news is that you’ll then need to deal with other people’s reactions to the truth as you’ve presented it.

I have not said everything that goes through my head, but it is hard at times. But what is surprising me is that I am thinking things I haven't. And again the PMS monster. :(

This came through my email box today and I thought of Master....He makes me smile and laugh everyday.....I am very grateful..."Take time every day to do something silly." - Philipa Walker

Monday, July 28, 2003

We believe we own our thoughts and have to do something about them, especially if they are negative. This is bound to create suffering. -Ayya Khema, "Be an Island"

Today I have had a migraine. It was a lower level so I was able to function - but not on top of my schedule today. Master was very understanding - and even surprised me in the middle of the day with a cherry limeade. He is such a wonderful Master...this girl is so lucky to have such a great Master.

Last night we went to bed and Master started to play with my breasts....hurting them - squeezing, twisting, slapping, pressing on pressure points and some light punching. It is hard to take it at times, but I love suffering for Master seeing the pleasure He gets when He is letting His sadism out on me. He then used the "evil stick" on me - and that thing is nasty. He has started to call it the ugly stick as it makes very ugly marks. He made X's on my breasts. He was doing pain as He was playing with my cunt. It is really hard to cum with pain and He knows that, so He eventually stopped with the pain and just played with my cunt. I was allowed to cum and was very thankful.

I slept very good after the orgasm and pain.

I added comment section. It is something I have been wanting to do for a long time but I avoided it for several reasons that I am not going to comment on basically because of the opening quote. :)

Go check out my Master's blogger...He has a very small version of a beautiful picture He took the other night of lightning. Yes, we were out in a lightning storm - me who hates lightning storms. Anyway go check it out :)

Sunday, July 27, 2003

I hate pms I hate pms I hate pms

I know Master is probably saying that mantra even louder then me. The sweet demure slave girl has turned into an insecure, crying mess.

This morning again started off a little rough.

Master is very good at balancing being sadistic and being very comforting and caring to me. But not sure what it is about pmsirrational that seems to hit His buttons and we both become out of whack. I need more comforting and how it often feels is that He backs away from me. I guess part of me wonders if He is unsure of how to handle me during these times.

It is just very hard because I have been feeling so very secure in my place in His life and now I feel so insecure and irrational, but of course during those moments I don't realize it. I just feel like everything sends me to tears and not wondering what to do or how to act. And before...I have been feeling very secure in knowing what to do to please and serve Master. So I right now I am hating pms!

Today we went to a wedding out on a cliff. It was a very pretty wedding. Everything together - the couple, family, flowers and the INCREDIBLE view made for an absolutely gorgeous wedding. Afterwards we had time to kill before going to the reception - so we went driving around to areas Master has not taken me. And some of the houses we saw - the view and the cliffs were just so beautiful. After our drive we then went to the reception for just a very short time (yeah!). We basically had a glass of wine and talked to a few of His coworkers - then left. :)

We came home and read the paper in bed - which started us looking at the real estate ads. So now Master is looking at floor plans and such.

my horoscope for tomorrow...LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): You might want to find a way to express some physical energy today so your unexpressed feelings don’t get in the way of your pleasure. And there can be some pleasure in store for you today. Even if you aren’t sure about what you are doing, at least try to enjoy it while it’s happening. It’s time for you to feel good and if you need to let go of some old hurt or anger, the time to do that is now.

So I turned to Master and asked Him what kind of pleasure I am getting tomorrow. *grins* His response was - that now I did not need an orgasm tonight He would just give me one tomorrow. *pouting*

Not really pouting as I get pleasure in various forms everyday through serving Master.

SPIRIT is your chinese symbol!

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The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. - Samuel Johnson

Saturday, July 26, 2003

Well, I am officially pmsing...I cried more today then I have in the last month lol

Master just made a comment last week that I was not crying as much....I cry really easy and lately I have not cried much..unless I was crying from pain He was inflicting on me - those tears He always welcomes.

The day had a rough start. And I think I am still processing some of it. But over all weekends with Master I always love. I like having ALL day with Him. And we had a good day of use and abuse. I feel like a well used slut.

Among the many highlights of my day with Master...He came on my face today, then used my hair to wipe up access - then after that He spit in on my face. Then of course we had our ritual shower where I drank some of His piss.

Another highlight of today....that is at times a controversial some circles.

I have a bruise on my face plus a split lip. The bruise is much littler then the one I had with M. But this one is actually more noticeable. My split lip though is only noticeable at this point when my mouth is open. The things we do...always amaze me how well I take them when coming from Master. I do admit though when we were first together every time He raised His hand near my face I flinched. Now I really don't seem to do that anymore. Usually though we are playing and so I think I expect it. But even then I used to flinch. I don't now though. He slaps me lots so --- it something that I can pretty much guess will happen when we play. He enjoys slapping me and I enjoy it too. It does seem to put me in a very docile and even more demure headspace.

I like looking at all the marks on my body...I have them on my breasts and arms and now my face.

I got a little worried for a moment as Master and I are going to a wedding tomorrow morning. A co-worker's wedding, so several of His co-workers will be there and see me. Master told me not to worry about it. So, I am not going too.

Tonight as dinner time was coming about - I was tooooooo fuzzy to make dinner so Master took me out for dinner to a place we went in February - where He and I discussed me moving to be with Him full-time. It is so odd that He mentioned that tonight in the restaurant because I had just been thinking of that day early in the morning.

I am very glad Master asked me to come here...I am home. I love Master so much....I always amazed the feelings that go through me each moment of the day with Him.
Quickie while I send out pictures...

Today Master and I did not get our playtime or ritual shower in the morning. I did not have focus all day...I felt so off schedule. Everything was backwards. Master signed me online while He got in the shower to do something online that needed to get done. And so from that moment it was like I was off schedule the rest of the day. I hate when that happens and I did not like the feelings that were going along with the lack of focus. It did not dawn on me until later in the day that not having my usual morning schedule - of playtime and our ritual shower maybe was the cause of my lack of focus.

So my day was pretty unproductive. :(

I talked with my Mom on the phone tonight. I had not talked to her since before I left for Memphis so it was time. I had been meaning to ask permission to call, but had not got around to it. My Mom was diagnosed with diabetes. So that is kind of scary.

Master and I went out for our usual grocery-shopping trip tonight - but before we did Master decided to chase an electrical storm to get pictures. I am not a big fan of thunder and lightning - but was happy I was with Master instead of being at home alone. He took some really great pictures!

Ohhh Ohhh I forgot to write about something from yesterday....

When Master was home for lunch and being His usual sadistic self...He all of sudden took me by my hair and shoved me to the floor so my face was to the floor. And then He held me there with His foot - stepping on the back of my neck to hold me down.

It was way hot :)

I am getting all wet and turned on just thinking about it right now....yummy!

Thursday, July 24, 2003

Okay this is a good one so I asked Master if I could message this bozo back and He said He was allowing me a freebie. So here was my response. Maybe I should email this guy my new article coming out in SMART soon.

WannaBe: come here to me now on your knees with your tits trailing on the floor i am going to jump on your nipples bite your cunt and then kick it

me: ohhh thank you for making my night...lots of giggle sitting here next to my Master...Reading Profiles is ALWAYS a good thing Is hi how are you too much for you? Do you think this is how you get a submissive? Respect earns respect Have a good night and really...good luck on your search as with the words you typed to me in the offline message it will be a VERY VERY long time before you ever see one...have fun jacking off.
Slow kind of day for me

Today was pretty slow for me...

We had our morning usuals going on - being used, our shower. I did not take very much urine this morning - and that upset me so I was crying during our shower. :(

My morning was filled with my regular chores, cleaning, laundry and then I worked on an article for the SMART news letter. It is almost done, but have asked Master to go over it. I also got a nap today. I usually don't nap and basically Master "suggested" it. At lunch He will at times let me get online, but today He said no so that I would slow down and take a nap. He felt I needed one. I am pmsing and feeling a little emotionally drained. And combined with my not sleeping was time for some catch up sleep. So I did sleep. He actually came home and I did not hear Him. He went and watched Screen Savers (His addiction show). After I woke up, I got dinner together. Thankfully Master had told me before He left for work in the morning - that the leftover enchilada's I made the other night would be good. It was nice to be able to nap and not have to worry about dinner...or other things I might I do before He comes home. Usually I get all made up and dressed for Him, so before I went for the nap I put a little light make up on and knew He would not mind coming home to a naked slave.

I have been doing searches on Tiramisu and the fat content on it is unbelievable so I looked for low fat Tiramisu and found this site....Healthy Tiramisu Recipes I think I might try the Cooking Light version. But the Pat Baldassari's version sounds good too...hmm

I recipe site I use All Recipes. I have made quite a few recipes from there. But mostly I just cook from recipes I have learned over the years. So far Master has only not been fond of one thing - and I made that the other night. So that is pretty good odds. He even loved my spicy Szechwan Chicken (not sure i am spelling that right). I love spicy food so I make a lot of our meals spicy. I also love red bell peppers and so much of what I make has red bell peppers in it.

I found this other site also that I just started checking out but am going to share too....Cooks Recipes. The thing I also have to remember with baking is the higher altitude...which I am becoming much better at remembering now LOL Master's oven also is a little screwy at times with that has been interesting.

While I remembered - since talking about cooking sites - I wanted to find the recipe for Chili's Chicken Enchilada Soup. I found it at CopyKat It does not look too hard to make. They had lots of other soups on there that I would love to trip Ruby Tuesday's White Chicken Chili being one. yummy! Of course that would be me thinking of cooking a soup in July! *grins*

I know boring boring domestic stuff LOL Oh well such is my good life. :)

Here is my horoscope for tomorrow from
LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): You are a case study for the power of positive thought. You are on a creative high and can actually think something right into existence. It’s too bad you can’t bottle this attitude. The creative juices, however, are unpredictable, and you’ll get yourself into trouble if you try to rely on a production attitude with respect to what you imagine you can do.

And actually I have been in a very creative mood...I want to try so many different things...but especially with decorating the house. I saw a wallpaper border at Hobby Lobby while in Memphis and even though I hate did inspire me to the thought of painting a similar border on the wall of the guest bathroom. It is very whimsical - moos, hearts and stars - well then Master kind of inspired me with a thought of doing those images on something I can cut around and then hanging them from the ceiling. It is a peaked ceiling in there with a sky light. I thought of doing metal pieces whimiscal shapes on the images to make the sun from the skylight reflect off them. :) Not sure I am explaining that very well. But in my head it looks cool LOL :)

Also been working on my website the last few days and just started with some uploads. Here is the About Me page, but there is a lot more that I updated and there is more to come.

Okay off to bed with Master...*smiles*

Wednesday, July 23, 2003

From every human being there rises a light that reaches straight to the heavens. And when two souls are destined to find one another, their two streams of light flow together and a single brighter light goes forth from their united being. ~ Baal Shem Tov ~ Jewish Mystic

As I read that...I had visions in my head of 2 energies that had a soft glow soaring into the sky. The energies are twisting and turning and finally meeting....coming together in a burst of energy - light that glowed. It was a beautiful quote and vision.

Today started out with a fairly usual morning for Master and I - except that He was running late. That of course did not stop Him from using His girl. It always feels good to be used by Him even if I don't have an orgasm. I just like being used. :) It turns me on LOL (i know duh) After playing and sex - we had our ritual shower. I am getting more used to drinking His urine again. Yesterday morning I took almost all of it. This morning I choked a little more so probably did not get as much as yesterday, but I will do better in the morning.

When He came home for lunch, He used me again - by letting His sadism out on me. He punched me quite a bit - arms, upper breasts and then ending it right before He left with punching my ass. Master also does lots of pushing in on pressure points and just squeezing, pulling, twisting skin everywhere. So I have bruises from that too. I also received an enema during His lunch hour and first time I took a whole bag. And I noticed LOL It was much more uncomfortable. We are going to try another position to see if I have less cramping - I know there will be some cramping, but I want to be able to hold it longer and also just take it with out so much moving around and such LOL Really - seriously - it bothered me that I moved and made more noise. I know Master likes noises when we play, but today for some reason it bothered me when He was giving me the enema that I was not being more quiet. I mean really I have felt so much worse!

After the enema Master used and abused me more and then left leaving me a wet excited slave girl. Not that I am complaining! I loved it all - even though it HURT *smiles*

Tonight we met up with one of Master's old high school friends. She was very nice. I was nervous of course. LOL Then I was tortured by walking through the mall in heels. I don't always hurt in heels but have been lately. Then Master took me to dinner and I had the same thing I had the first time we went their in February. It is called Bowtie is chicken, bacon, roma tomatoes, bowtie pasta in an asiago cheese sauce. It is so good. Master decided we would have Tiramisu and it is one of those moments of pure delight for me...eating Tiramisu. It is so good. Master then said I make a face like I am having an orgasm when I eat it. And I said it a little moment of bliss. It goes in the mouth and just feels so good LOL Yes, I am talking about a freakin dessert. It is one of my favorites and it was very good. I am going to look for a recipe for it so I can make it at home. I also want to make Him a cake that wench makes called Midnight Bliss.

I just read a passage from a submissive - that said when she gets into a place where she is not remember "her place" the only thing is for her Master to put her back. And as I ponder that - I agree and disagree. Master and I are in this relationship because we both desire a Power Exchange. I know that at times - I need help. I need help to get back in the place. Other times there is other stresses and I don't see what is going on and so I need that help to be shown. But there are times I know...what is going on and in those times. I guess part of me feels - Master wants a slave and wants someone to do as He says and do it obeidently and without hassles. And so why should He not get that? I signed on for this so I just need to do it. But again I stress - We both desire a power exchange and sometimes I need to feel that Dominance in a very active way over me to get me back to my center and focus. Okay so I am going back and forth on that one...that is me always wanting both ends of the scale.

Well I guess that is now for now....night night

Tuesday, July 22, 2003

Written at 2pm today....

I am sitting here meaning to do other things while I have some computer time, but was swept with emotions in being a slave to Master. I can't explain what it is like. I did not know it could be like complete.

I wrote recently that I am not getting pleasure in the pain Master is doing to me. He asked me if that concerned me...and it doesn't. It feels right. I am suffering for Him...enduring and being pushed in different ways. Before when just playing with play partners it is about mutal gratification. But with Master it is about pleasing Him. And I like that. It feels right and it is very fulfilling.

I knew it would not always be a struggle and it is not a struggle now. NOW side note here: There are bad days. There are days when I go - "uggghh would He just do that Himself please." But they happen even less and less although I don't see them totally disappearing. There are just bad days going to happen no matter what...but maybe I am growing more and more able to handle them differently.

It is about pleasing for me. It is about serving. It is attention - to Him. It is being patient with what He wants and needs. It is being calm in the service - calm in moments when He is frustrated - calm in the bad days. Also when I stay calm on the bad days, I am still able to serve Master's needs and wants. It is just something I still have to work at - staying calm on bad days.

At Thunder being around other lifestyle people - I was very aware of being service oriented verses bottoming. Another side note: not saying bottoming is less then being in service. Only saying bottoming is not for me. I need to have the service in my life. And that brings me fulfillment as Master's slave.

Service oriented slaves were noticable at Thunder. You could tell who was into "pleasing" and who was in it for the kink of it. I try to be very attentive to details in serving Master. I want my service to Him to be seamless and graceful. It is not always possible, but it is something I work on daily. I saw a submissive pouring juice into a glass for her Dominant and she was slopping it all over while talking with others and not really paying attention to what she was sent to do. And I just felt if she was not really into pleasing and serving. If it is about pleasing and serving for a person - the focus is the Owner and task at hand. To me those little details - even just pouring a glass of juice is important.

We are all in the same lifestyle and still very deverse in it. That is a good thing. Right now though I am craving to be around "like" minded people. "Like" meaning people who are interested in pleasing their Owner and who are intersted in the grace and beauty of serving.

Master and I have thrown around the idea of starting a group and I discussed with Him on the way back from Thunder about possibliy starting a Master/slave group. But without any other group here at all - not sure how phesiable that is.

Stopped at 3pm to work on other things...and picking up at 9:30pm

Master is busy working on something for a friend of His, so I decided to finish this blog entry out.

Today making the bed I smiled and actually got turned on thinking about making the bed for Master. I always am amazed in those moments. I was soaking wet - just because I knew I was serving my Master by keeping His house neat and organized.

Yeseterday was a deep cleaning to the bathroom. I got every groove, corner, unseen parts of the bathroom clean. Oh what a fun task, but it was rewarding. I knew it would please Master and it did.

I will be posting my schedule soon on my website. I actually have quite a few additions coming to my website soon. I have been working on it here and there - the last few days.

I owe a few people some emails....I will get to them yahoo email has been giving me problems tonight - so much so that Master signed me into His account to send pictures out.

Master is done so I am sure we are off to bed soon.....
Now if you have had a Krispy Kreme what one would you want to be? The orginal...but they call the orginal conventionally boring! Can you imagine the orginal being boring????

Original Glazed

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Monday, July 21, 2003

"I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better" --Plutarch
Weekend Update from the used and abused willing captive *grin*

I sit here next to Master as He types up a journal entry; I am doing the same. I am aching all over.

So just going to go into a weekend update....

Friday night we went to bed to snuggle with all intentions of just taking a little nap and snuggling and then waking up and hitting the grocery store. Our weekly late night trip to the grocery store. Well, we did not wake up in a couple of hours instead we woke at 3:30am and Master said let's go.

So off we went to Wal-Mart. We had to pick out new curtain rod for the office as the cats when they jump up into the windowsill knock these curtains right off the brackets. On our way home from our shopping trip at that time of the morning, Master looked at the horizon and noticed that it would be sunrise we went home and unload all the groceries - putting them away and then grabbed His camera and we were off again. First stop was down town to photograph a new statue on Main Street. The downtown - Main Street here in Grand Junction is FILLED with sculptures all along it plus every corner. It is a really pretty main street actually with all the art, trees and benches to sit and admire the art.

During the Art and Jazz Festival a new sculpture was is woman out of marble. It is very captivating. Master has even started calling it "your girl" because I am so taken with it. So He took pictures of her. He got in His creative mode - and is like I get when I am immersed into a drawing or painting. I just completely zone out everything else and just focus on my world in front of me. Master did the same with the girl.

After He finished that up and then we drove out to the river so He could take pictures of the sunrise coming up over the river and reflecting in it. We then went to 2 other spots for Him to take more sunrise pictures. It was a very pretty sunrise and sharing it with Master made it even more special. When He was done taking pictures, we went to grab some breakfast. We talked about things that were going on a year ago. He was with a mutual friend. And I was interested in Monseigneur E and Linda. It is kind of strange is almost like it came full circle to get Master and I where we are today.

hmm what next? Oh after breakfast we stopped at the Big R. It is like a farm store - so it has everything from pet supplies, gear for horses, western wear/clothing, tools and lawn care items.

Master has wanted to pail train me. I would urinate in the pail always instead of the toilet. I did that with Kam. And Master got me a pail, but it is very close to the one I had with Kam and for some reason I did not think that would bother me, but it has impacted me more then I thought. So, I mentioned to Master last week that maybe a new pail - like we saw at Big R would work better. And so of course we stopped at Big R just for that get a new pail. It is a hard plastic - in hunter green. They had every color under the sun. Master was going to get me a purple one as...purple is my favorite color, but I told Him purple would not go good in the bathroom. LOL Not like anyone is going to see the bucket, but Him and I but you know got to color coordinate.

I got a little freaked though holding the bucket in Big R and I know Master was not quite sure why, but it is really hard to think about it. It is just hard to create that into a new memory. I know that we can...I just feel it is going to take time. Babysteps.

When we got home, we took our ritual shower before heading to bed. But of course sleep was side tracked by playing and fucking : ) *blushing* Master put the new hood on me - it has eye and mouth holes in it. He had me fuck Him....with me on top of Him and that position always has made me very very self-conscious. I just am not comfortable there. But I did it because Master wanted it - and I want to please and serve Him. It was very hard for me.

Lack of sleep I know has played into this...but I felt very on edge. It just felt like lots of little things were and still are coming up to throw me off balance. And I just am a little scared of this feeling.

We slept for a little while and then played and fucked some more. Master restrained me to the bed - spread eagle with the new hood on. He had taken it off as I was having difficulty getting to sleep with it on. He then put a vibrator in me and left me there for a little while - coming back to play with me more as well as hurt me. He punched me quite a bit. But also used the evil stick and the baton on my breast too. I have about 4 really ugly bruises that are lines from the evil stick. Oh Master also slapped my face a lot.

I get in these states where after a while I just see Him...and He is my WORLD. He is the only thing that exists and I just feel so much love and need to surrender that it overflows out of me with words, tears, begging to give Him all - to communicate how much I need to surrender to Him. To communicate to Him how much I love Him. It is a very intense feeling and of course having such intense feelings means - they are going to come down and they did later in the evening. He did even let me cook as I was so out of it...instead He ordered pizza. Master was ready for the crash and gave me just the things I needed.

The pizza I ate upset my stomach so I went to bed with a tummy ache. Master and I had a talk in bed that was hard. It was something I was unsure of how to bring up. But He noticed something there when we were talking about the new hood. I don't like the new hood. Now it just maybe that I am not used to it. It maybe other things - but the fact is right now I don't like it. What does that mean really? Nothing - because I will wear it whenever Master wants me too. I just don't enjoy it or get turned on from wearing it. So Master and I talked about me not liking it. And it went pretty good. He knows now and I guess that is good. I just was worried He would be mad that I did not like it.

I get scared that if I voice that I don't like something - that He will not want me anymore. He has never given me any indication that He would do that at all - it is just my own insecurity. Not exactly sure why I have abandonment issues when....I have been the one that physically has left the relationships - but I do.

Okay what next...

I guess on to Sunday events...

I woke up with Master outside working on the house. It is so nice to be with someone who is so responsible. :) He came in when He saw I was up and then I helped Him a little - not much of me helping really. Master got frustrated with what He was working on because it was basically breaking. So, covered in dirt He sat on the kitchen floor and contemplated what to be doing...He was very frustrated with the whole project when He came in....about 30 mins later He had decided He was off to Home Depot to see of they had what He needed. But before He left - He decided to take some of His frustrations out on me and He punched me several times in the upper part of my breasts (where they said to punch in the punching workshop at Thunder) and then also He punched my arms. Really my bruises from Thunder have faded, but I still am covered in bruises. Master has punched me everyday. My arms have bunches of bruises on them.

After He left, I had burst of energy so I set to cleaning up some things since He was gone and weekends I usually don't clean things up like I do during the week. I know that burst of energy came from Him using me like He did. I did not enjoy the punches - they hurt like hell - but I love that He took His frustrations out on me. I loved serving that purpose for Him. It made me feel very loved....weird huh?

When He came home He did some more work and then called it an afternoon. We went to take a nap, but got side tracked by playing and fucking again :) He put a different hood on me today while we played after playing some and fucking - He restrained me again spread eagle to the bed with a vibrator on my clit - but this time He left for a longer periods of time - coming in and playing and teasing me and then leaving me again to wiggle on the bed. After a while He came in and played with me more.

We then got up and I got dinner ready. After dinner we watched - but of course - Trading Spaces. During it Master would reach over me and hit my breasts or squeeze and twist them hard or He would punch my arm. He then informed me that the only thing not hurting on me needed to be taken care of...and that was my ass....

So again....He restrained me to the bed spread eagle only thing was I was face down this time. And He proceeded to beat my ass - He spanked, punched, caned and used His belt on me.

I sit here aching. I have bruises not only from His beating me yesterday, but now today - not that I am complaining.

It is so odd...lately I have not been getting much of pleasure from Master's the pain He is giving me, but it makes me feel good that He is using me and abusing me.

Okay Master posted His blog - I know it was a hard one for Him to write about and I am sure He will need to write on it more. And maybe I will ask Him if I can make a few comments on the subject also. I just don't want to cross any boundaries, as this is a public journal.

I am off to go snuggle up close with Master...*soft warm smile*

Saturday, July 19, 2003

Sexy Saturday

1. Oral or Vaginal? Vaginal
2. Hour long sweat sessions or quickie? hour long sweat sessions
3. Missionary or Doggie? doggie

This is last weeks Sexy Saturday, but I did not think I could go into all the tips and tricks I have for blow jobs. Really it just is different for each guy what they like....but getting a man to talk about what they like in it is harder - at least that is how it has been. I prefer to give long slow blow jobs, but have found the majority of men I have been with like fast, deep and hard blow jobs from the getgo.

Master and I have had a good, but unusual day today - that I will post about tomorrow. :)

Nightie Night - sweet wicked dreams!

Friday, July 18, 2003

Music: Frida Soundtrack
Mood: Good
Topics: Ayn Rand, life with Master, Buddhism and my service and just a little about League of Extrodinary Gentlemen

This morning I woke up with a migraine so Master took it easy on me. He did not sleep well last night so He was already up when I woke. I ate some breakfast with Him as I needed to eat something to take meds. I woke up from a couple unusual dreams last night the first one I remember was of Mistress DM. And then the other I was hiding from someone and to get away I had to have sex with this man in return for him helping me get away. Not sure what I was trying to get away from.

Lots of things I want to write about topics today Ayn Rand, just life in general here with Master and then just a little on my beliefs in Buddhism mixed with my service to Master.

Well first Ayn Rand...

When I was college I read all or maybe most of Atlas Shrugged, but I don't remember reading it. I mean I remember some of it - I remember that while I read it being impacted by it. But then there was lots of bad things that went on during that time period and so I just think I blocked that whole section of my life out - including why that booked impacted me at that time.

Then 9 years ago I met a man online...a much older man. I was in my late 20's and he was in his early 70's. He was a big Ayn Rand fan and he suggested before I got into her bigger works to read a smaller work of her's....The Anthem. I read it over and over and over again before having to bring it back to the library. It was a good book. It was not like anything I usually read. It had kind of sci-fi feel to it - but put to poetry. Her words flowed like poetry. I liked the theme of the book too. It was a society of where it was "we"- no "I" in the society. They were taught to think as a whole instead of being individualized. When a person was born they were picked to do whatever profession - you might be really interested in electricity but if you were put as cook that is what you did. You were discouraged to not think outside of what you were taught to do. You were taught that thinking you might like to learn more about electricity was BAD for the "WE" - the whole. There was no reading as I recall - everything was taught to them by some sort of counsel. As I said it was 9 years ago when I read it and I know there was a name for the counsel but I can't remember it. The book then turned to a few people that wanted to be "I" instead of "we." It was a very good book.

At that time in my life I had the nick name annkneeling. My middle name is ann. So after reading Ayn Rand's The Anthem I changed the spelling of my nick to aynkneeling. (BTW I know Ayn is not pronounced Ann) And kept it that way for several years. I even had it when I created Ayn's Place - my adult picture list on yahoogroups.

I bought a copy of Atlas Shrugged, after reading The Anthem and started to read it again, but then I had lots of things going on in my life that were not pleasant so I have never read finished it.

The reason I am writing about all this is...I visited SoulHuntre's weblog last night and he is reading Atlas Shrugged. And the book seems to be having a big impact on him. And now made me wonder if I have that book here with me - or is it still in a box waiting to brought to Colorado. I would like to start reading it again.

I, at one time, had many Ayn Rand quotes and many were D/s oriented. Ayn Rand was very much into expressing her opinions and beliefs - into women expressing them too, but she had a lot of power exchange things going on in her books. And her books were very sensual even without sex involved. The feel to them was at times raw and yet sensual. The characters are...real I guess is how I see it.

I just did a search on my computer to see if I still had any of the quotes...I was thinking I had those before my computer crash. I only found one...

"And I gave her the most feminine of aspect; the look of being chained."

I like that of I am Master's willing chained captive.

Ayn Rand has a whole philosophy of study....called Objectivism. From what I gather this is kind of the essential:

Metaphysics: Objective Reality
Epistemology: Reason
Ethics: Self-interest
Politics: Capitalism

Now right there that is the basic...And here how she translated those She then translated those terms into familiar language:

"Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed."
"You can't eat your cake and have it, too."
"Man is an end in himself."
"Give me liberty or give me death."

Now usually if I read more then the article on Essentials of Objectivism it goes over my head. I will get pieces here and there, but to put it all together other then the above article - I am like what did they mean? lol

Not sure if I totally agree with it but some things I do agree with for the most part.

Okay so that is my rant on Ayn Rand.

This morning before Master left my meds had started to kick in so I was starting to feel a little better, but we were still not wanting to do the ritual shower - because making me too fuzzy - like that does He felt might not be good for my headache. But while He was getting dressed - He was pulling the belt off of one pair of jeans to put on another and He snapped the belt. I had read a post from a friend of ours about her Dominant putting a belt around her neck -which is oh so yummy! But it made me think of being beaten by a belt. And so when Master pulled that off and made it snap - of course that made me wiggle. And He noticed and so He started to beat me with it. First with the blanket still on me then pulling that back and then on top of my panties and then He pulled the panties down. He did not do it too long - again fear of making my headache worse. It hurt a lot, but was one of those - oh so good hurts. *blushing* He then got in bed with me and snuggled and then did something He is really into right now - He started to punch my arm. My arm has a scatter of bruises all over it from Him doing that whenever He gets the urge - that urge seems to come up A LOT! lol He then stopped and just kissed me passionately and let me snuggle down into His arms. But then He had to go to work *pouting* I tried to get to sleep for a while - but I just was not able to rest. My headache is almost gone - yippee! I would hate to be going into the weekend with a migraine. yucky! So good deal that it is almost gone.

At Thunder there were moments...that were moments that happen at home lots....

Where Master just starts slapping me, punching me, pressing on the carotid artery...just out of the blue. We will be watching TV and I sit on the floor in front of Him and He will lean over and just start punching my tits, arms, stomach or slapping my face or doing the breath play on me while we are watching Trading Spaces or a movie or whatever LOL And at Thunder it was like that...we would go to the room and sit down for a few moments to get drink or talk about what we were going to do next and He would just reach over and pulled me to Him and start punching me. Or whatnot.

I love those moments. At times I wish they lasted longer. lol :)

Okay side note - I was screwing up the spelling of carotid artery so finally went and looked it up in the dictionary. Stupid thing is that I did not think of that because I am so use to utilizing the online dictionary that I did not think about the book - an actual dictionary - sitting behind me on the bookshelves. lol I am writing this offline - as I don't have access unless Master signs me on. *shakes head* I can't believe I did not think of the actual book dictionary less then 2 feet away from me. LOL

On that note or at least a note from there...I do that often - during the day - I will be thinking about making something and not know exactly how and I think "Oh I will just hop online and look" - and then I realize I can't do that. Master's computer is passworded...I can't turn it on without the password. And then the dial up is passworded so I can't get to that too. I don't even have a dial up connection on my computer. I do have to say that I am happier this way then having free access to it when I want. It helps me stay more focused. When we finally get (a long time from now I am sure) broadband/cable modem, I wonder how that will change. hmmmm I am sure Master will figure something out. I am very grateful I have access to my computer to write and do other things at least. I am able to get pictures ready for Ayn's Place. I am able to write my bloggers entries and then post them when He allows me online. I am able to write in my private journal that I have on the computer too. I have recipes saved on the computer too so I can go through that when I need. So I am very grateful I have access to the computer.

On to other things...

In Buddhism, stillness is important. It is important to still the mind. By emptying it out - you become aware. And in doing that everything we do can be an act of spirituality. Because we become aware of everything.

When I am cleaning Master's house, when I am in pain as He punches me, when I am doing anything - in service to Him - it is because my mind is still and I am more aware - aware of my place. I am aware of Him - my service to Him. So, I do my daily duties, suffer with the pain He gives me - there is a peace and calmness in it - being aware of everything in the stillness of it. And I see the purpose of my place.

And I can tell when I am using my philosophies in Buddhism more because it helps me in my service to Master. I feel more centered and calm. I feel just so right in everything.

What is happening right now - since being back I have felt very scattered. I have felt down and I know that has a lot to do with coming down from the highs of Thunder and playing almost 24/7. But I am feeling the need also for me time....and this week I have taken it too. But kind of out of other reasons. Anyway I am kind of annoyed by that I am feeling like I need me time. Why do I need me time? I am obviously in this relationship to serve Master so why do I need me time? Or am I being unrealistic?

More on that later...

BTW we went to League of Extraordinary Gentlemen tonight and I did not know Peta Wilson of La Femme Nikita was in it as well as Stuart Townsend of Queen of the Damned. Mighty fine drool time with them plus the sexy Sean Connery! Yummy! Not to bad of a movie. I know I liked it more then Master liked it.

We are going on our weekly grocery trip in a little going to post this before we go....

I am looking forward to this weekend with Master. I missed Him so much while I was gone. I love Him even more....*smiles*

Thursday, July 17, 2003

The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it. - W.M. Lewis

Wednesday, July 16, 2003


Not sure where to start even though it should be obvious to start at the beginning…there is still just so much to tell…

My flight from Memphis to Denver was uneventful. Denver airport is huge, so there is a lot of walking. I kept thinking it was going to be forever until I see Master. As I approached baggage claim I saw Him. I saw Him before He saw me (and I kind of liked that because He saw me first when I came to visit Him in February). I wanted to go running to Him, but with my heavy carry on bag it was a little impossible. I got to His arms and just melted into Him. He brought me a red rose. And there is a story behind that I am not going to get into, but seeing the rose made me feel very happy. I appreciated it so much. It is sitting here in a vase on the desk as I type right now.

It was really hard to decide what to wear for Master on Friday because walking forever in an airport to me is not a time to be wearing heels even though I know He loves them. Tripping or something, right before Thunder would not have been good either. So, I wore something that has other memories attached to it, but now have replaced them with a new memory…meeting Master at the airport. I wore a kind of coral/orangish colored silk blouse and black skirt that has about a foot of see-through black fabric on the bottom of it. I then opted for some sandals instead of heels. I had painted my toenails His favorite color of toe nail polish.

As soon as I got off the plane I needed to go use the restroom and of course while in there I decided to touch up my make up and comb my hair. But I decided not to put any lipstick on even though I know He likes the look of it. I did that because I know He does not like wearing it - and since I knew we would be caught up in a passionate kiss right when we saw each other - I went with just a little - very little - clear lip gloss. lol

And I was right when we first saw each other we kissed for it seemed like an eternity. It was extremely passionate and loving. Master is a very good kisser : ) I missed Him so much.

After we left the airport, we went to our hotel. Master had already checked in. We got my things in the room and then went and go to the event registration table before going to dinner. It was just so nice to be with Him. Just being able to hold His hand, reach out and touch Him, and look at Him. After that we got back to the hotel a little late - so we missed the opening remarks. So we just went up to the room so I could freshened up and changed into something a little sexier. I wore a zebra print blouse and black skirt that has a ruffle down one side. And what I call my bondage shoes as they wrap around the ankles. So after I was ready, we went down and walked through the vendors. The vendors were great and really their prices were very good. A lot of them did show prices - so they were cheaper then their website prices. So that was cool. Master made 2 purchases right away (one of quite a few). The Grip Cuffs (something we were both wanting for a while) and then a behind the back harness type thing that goes down the back and wraps around the shoulders - so my wrists can be attached to behind my back were the first purchases of the weekend. The harness thingie is very cool and actually pretty comfortable. We bought those at Leather by Danny. He was a really nice guy…very helpful. He adjusted the cuffs so they fit my hands better.

We then ventured down to the dungeon. We saw a lot of the friends we were expecting to meet up with at Thunder. Just as we met a group of friends, I noticed a scene going on behind them and started drooling.

And it was the best scene I saw all weekend even though there were LOTS of good ones.

But first the dungeon….

First never been in a dungeon space as big as this one. It was bigger then the OLF's I have been too. Plus they had more stations to play at plus lots of WALKING and Gawking area too around the stations. Also they had things I have never seen at Ohio events - such as a little wading pool for watersports, lots of places and supplies for blood sports - cuttings and needles. There were lots of places for fisting too and there was lots of fisting going on. I guess in years past there was more sex, but with the Labyrinth closing and the controversy that was stirred up in Denver about it - that they basically cautioned people not to do it.

The equipment is all equipment I have seen before, but just how they had them done and arranged was very cool. Some stations had their own little stage. There were plenty of areas for single tail users. There were lots of crosses - more crosses then last year Master said. But I heard also from a friend of ours that she heard last year people complained because there were not enough crosses and not enough space for single tail users. So they got those covered this year. There were a few medical areas, school areas, and lots of places for suspension. Quite a few swings. And many bondage tables - which is what Master and I ended up using on Saturday night when we played. (smiles)

Okay so the scene we saw…on Friday night…:)

It was 3 people in military gear. Most people witnessing it assumed it was 3 gay males. It 2 men working on another person, who was hooded, bound and then strung upside down from a hoist suspension unit. They were kicking and kneeing this person. And then I saw the tazer/stun gun in one guy's hand. He was zapping the person several times on the legs, back and arms and the screams sounded like the screams I made with M when he did what he did to me back in October. So then they bring this person down and take the hood off and it is a woman. She would fight too - and I liked that. I like to fight at times. : ) They basically just would kind of punch and hit her as she was strung up and then use the tazer on her. I was drooling. LOL They did not use any other implements on her. When they took her down they just kind of drug her out - she was still bound (ankles & hands behind back) and she had the hood back on also.

I heard there was some really incredible cutting scenes on Friday - where someone was doing an intricate design and as the top would go she would brush the blood off so it would drip down the bottoms neck and then the bottom would lick at as it dripped down. It was such an intricate design that people said you could smell the blood as you passed by it.

We saw quite a few types of bondage we liked with sleeves and also saw some hoods we liked too. We headed back to our room early - wanting some umm quality time together. **Blushing* - it was very good quality time. Oh how I missed Master fucking me. And in my favorite position too - doggie style. Yummy!

Saturday morning we woke up early with intention of going out to breakfast, but we played and had sex. Yummy! : ) I wore a new skirt Master bought me right before I left for Memphis from Torrid. It is really pretty and very girly girl. It is a burgundy satin with black lace trim. I wore a black blouse that has hook and eye closures up the front and then black lace trim all over it. Because we played and had sex - not that I am complaining at all *grins* we were only able to catch breakfast in the hotel restaurant instead of going out. I was not impressed with the food at all there. But it was convenient and quick. After breakfast Master and I went to our first workshop. We went to Body Punching. It was a really good class. And as someone I know said to Master last night…it was inspiring. Master punched me LOTS from then on through the weekend and has not stopped yet. I have bruises all over from big to little. It was a really good class. It was yummy!

After the Body Punching class Master and I went to the vendor area. Master broke the bunny flogger we had so we had to replace Bunny. So we got a Blue Bunny from Toolworks. Master was wearing the SMART Fest T-shirt I had and one of the vendors remembered being a vendor at SMART Fest.

The next workshop we went to was Extreme Bondage with Rope. It was Master's pick - surprising pick. Master is not into rope. And I actually am very surprised He is not - He is really into how things LOOK - the restraints, the hoods, leather bondage restraints and so on. He likes the way they look. So my thought was He would like rope bondage because when done with it - it is aesthetically pleasing. He knows it is something I am interested in so that is why He decided for us to go to that one. The others offered at that time also were not things we were interested in and/or we already have knowledge about. We ended up leaving that class early as Master was falling asleep - it was very warm in there. And I was having headache issues coming on. So we went and took a little nap - very short one. I was woke up with Master playing with my breasts - hurting them. He put a hood on me.

While at wench's she fixed a hood I bought back in May. It only had two little nose holes - which were causing me lots of problems in breathing. (I have asthma but still love breath play and hoods - but still the hood was too hard to breath in.) So wench made the holes into slits where they were longer and wider then the original holes so it is now easier to breath in but does not break up the look of the hood.

Master then fucked me hard again while slapping, spanking and punching my ass. It felt so awesome. After He fucked me He played with my cunt to a powerful orgasm. It was all very much a turn on but with the hood on it made me feel so much like an object for His use and abuse.

After playing and fucking, we were hungry! LOL So we went to grab lunch and then decided there was nothing we were really gun ho on seeing in the afternoon sessions so we took a longer nap…cuddling, talking and spooning until we dozed off for a little bit. After we woke Master had me change for dinner. We went to dinner and then went to Target to get some snacks and other odds-n-ends.

At dinner Master and I discussed the scene we were going to have….as it was going to be our first time playing in public. It was really hard for me to open up and share thoughts and ideas with Him. It goes between that state of where I feel if I share I am overstepping my place or it at times if I share ruins the experience as it feels like I have "controlled" the scene. But it did not feel that way in the end with Master at all. He wanted my input so I did what He wanted plus after the scene was done it did not feel like I controlled it at all…as I could tell during it Master was doing what He wanted.

We got back and went through the vendor area again. Master bought a hood that was not spandex but like it but tighter and shiner. It has eyes and mouth holes. Master purchased that from Purple Passion. I think I look like a bank robber in it. They had some very cool BBW clothing there. Some rubber clothing that Master really liked. The one top I tried on was too big in the chest but fit otherwise. And they did not have a smaller size in it. Master also bought me little girl panties - with ruffles on the bottom. We looked at a few things there too that we really liked - opera gloves. There were some stockings that would have looked so cute with schoolgirl outfit. They had very pretty clothing - skirts, tops, corsets and such.

After we went to the vendor area we went to the room to get ready to go to the dungeon. Master repacked a smaller bag then the HUGE bag of toys we had brought with us. And while He did that I changed into a black bra, black satin shirt that laces up the front, and a SHORT skirt that also has laces up the front. Plus I had on a garter belt, stockings and heels. And He then put on the metal collar. I felt very exposed and slutty lol

We went to the dungeon and Master pulled me over to a chair where He put the ball gag harness on me and then the behind the back harness….so I walked around drooling and not able to do anything about as my hands were cuffed behind my back. Master talked with several friends as He led me around on a leash. I was drooling on myself and Master would stop and humiliate me by telling me how disgusting that was and then He would wipe it off on my face.

After a while of walking around and looking at other scenes and trying to find a place He wanted to play He took the gag off. And we found a bondage table. I don't remember many of the scenes we saw before because with the gag and being led around and such…I got very fuzzy.

Master took the behind the back harness. And then He took my clothing off….down to my garter belt and stockings. He put a hood on me and then had me get on the bondage table. He restrained me to the table and then proceeded to hurt me *smiles *

Master started on my breasts…and of course He started with a drum mallet and OUCH! I mean REALLY OUCH! He then moved to a baton that Katrina gave me for my birthday. It is a favorite of Master's. He also used the evil stick and punched me (He was inspired by the morning class). He then turned me over and did spanking and then also used the implements He used on my breasts on my bottom - including punching me. He would stop and come to my face and slap me often too.

With Master I am very touchy. While He was beating me I wanted to touch Him and so I would reach as far as I could in the cuffs for His hand and at one put could only get a little piece of His shirt. BTW Master looked very good too that night. He wore a shirt we bought Him that is black with blue flames on the bottom and then red outline. He looked yummy! :) After He was done beating me He just had me sit there with the hood on for a while. Before helping me get dressed. We brought a T-shirt and slippers for me and I am very thankful for that! We walked around a little while after our scene. One couple we are friends with were playing and another couple had finished about 5 minutes after us. I had wished we could see them play but was happy to at least see some other friends play.

I just wanted to snuggle with Master and He was worn out too so we did not stick around in the dungeon long before heading to our room for snuggling time. Master allowed me to masturbate and then also have an orgasm : )

On Sunday morning we woke up early enough to have our fun, but also go out for breakfast. We fucked and played...Master punching my breasts and ass again. And they were already hurting before it even hurt more after that and of course He is a sadist so He enjoyed my suffering. After that we go ready to go breakfast....

Oh...Saturday and Sunday morning Master and I did our normal shower ritual. It was not as nice as it is at home. I did not get much of Master's water dripping down on to me. But I am very happy to be having that ritual back after being gone for 2 weeks.

Our breakfast on Sunday morning was very good...we went out. After that we headed to our first class....Suturing, Sewing and Stapling. Very cool workshop again. He did staples in his submissive's back and then attached chains from there to staples in her hands and so it looked like she had wings of chains. When she turned around we saw also she had her lips sutured closed. It was VERY cool! The stapling I liked and I believe I want to experience. But the suturing/sewing kind of scares me. But if Master wants it of course then I will be experiencing it.

We then went through vendor area and got plastic forceps from Rainbow Ropes. Ouchie but they have interesting possibilities. *blushing* And then after that we went to Breath Control workshop. One of Master's friends was in the class behind us and so we went to lunch with her afterwards. The breath control workshop was good, but really did not learn anything I did not already know. But still was interesting to watch. After lunch we went to the vendors one last time and Master bought a single tail. Something He has been wanting for a while. It is a nice one. I really liked the way it felt. It is from Snake Pit Leather Works. It was a good price and good quality. I think Master will be very happy with it. And I have always loved the way a single tail feels. We then went to our next workshop....and saw Fetish Diva Midori speak, but the room they put her in did not have air conditioning and there were 100+ people in the room. So it got very hot and we left 30 minutes early. Midori is a very good speaker. And the topic was interesting, but not really something Master and I were needing to hear - we were not learning anything we did not already really believe in. Anyway it was hot in there and we left early and ran to our room for a drink and bathroom break before heading to our last class which was another favorite of mine. The last workshop was Enemas - Both Playful and Practical done by Tristan Taormino. She is a really good speaker. I have read her column in various magazines or newsletters.

My favorite workshops were Body Punching, then Suturing, Sewing and Stapling and then 3rd place would be Enemas - Both Playful and Practical.

We then went back to our room and got ready for dinner. I changed again because I knew it would please Master. I put on a burgundy skirt and a black criss-cross top and of course garterbelt, stockings, and heels.

For dinner we went to Outback with a group of friends. It was nice to go to dinner. The friend that introduced Master and I sat across from us with her Dominant. I really like her Dominant. He seems to be a very nice guy. :)

Little things I loved being back with Master....He fed me gum all weekend. Our ritual showers of course. Doing our just everyday protocols we do - asking to leave the room, asking for permission to go to the restroom, being chained to the bed (which I was even at Thunder, waiting for permission to eat and so on.

So I guess that was Thunder. I know I am leaving out things....oh well. It was a GREAT weekend. I loved being there. It is a good event and I just loved being there with Master. I loved being owned and how that felt to be around people and know I am His. I love Master so much and it just was so nice. I have a very good Master. He took good care of me while being a mean sadist and I loved it all. *smiles*

I can't wait until next year!

Monday, July 14, 2003

There is no pleasure without some degree of pain.
There is no pain without some amount of pleasure.

-Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, "Mindfulness in Plain English"

We are back from Thunder....I will work on a long detailed post later. I promised a few people that I would not leave out any that they could live through me vicariously. It was an incredible weekend with glad to be home with Him now though.

Thursday, July 10, 2003

Horoscopes for Friday:
His...SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): This can be a big day for you Sagittarians with the Moon still in your sign, aligning with powerful Pluto. Additionally, you feel the kick from the Venus-Mars connection and may be moved to express deeply felt emotions as part of your plan to get closer to someone you are attracted to. It can all work out, as long as you don’t become so sure of yourself that you miss the obvious signals you are being given.

mine...LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): You are connected to Venus, the planet of creativity and beauty. Today, Venus is getting energized by red hot Mars and you may be ready to jump right out of your skin. This isn’t as unpleasant as it might sound, for you can express your feelings with an uncommon ease, especially through actions and artistic creations. Don’t bother trying to talk about it; do something with the creative impulse.

Not too bad....I guess. We have been having some really weird horoscopes as well as just plain awful ones too. Since being with Master mine don't seem to make as much sense to me. Not like they were before. They really were so on it when I was in Ohio. But I am also going through changes being with Master so I guess there will be different things going on then can be mapped out by the stars. I am going to do an Osho Zen reading before I go to bed.

I don't really ever rely on things like that map out things for me. Usually they tell me things I already know - but I just needed to hear out loud. And that is what I like about it. Or it just gives me a different way to look at my life and I certainly need that at times....I loose objectivity when it comes to my life but being a Libra and looking at others...I usually can be objective. Just not when it is about me. LOL But we all get that way to an extent I feel.

Okay on to other things....

We went out to dinner tonight for a favorite of mine…Chinese food. My fortune was “Excitement and intrigue follow you closely wherever you go!”

LOL Cute huh?

So, it is Thursday and tomorrow I leave Memphis to go meet Master in Denver for Thunder in the Mountains.

It has been great to see Grumbler and wench. I am so very happy I was here to help out and to just be a part of their wedding and also the ceremony they had on Monday night. I can’t thank them enough for having me here. They are always really good to me…and I appreciate their friendship and kindness! They are such great people and I am very lucky!

Tomorrow I will be back under Master's thumb. I am very excited of course! I have missed Him so much. It has been hard to be away from Him. I have felt a little lost without Him. But that will all change tomorrow….

I need a Master hug…they are the bestest! (yes I know that is not a real word but it is a word I use when little girl starts coming out and I need a Daddy hug)

Not sure what else to write right now….but this will probably be the last heard of me until Monday or later since we will then be back from Thunder. (wrote this earlier in the day - and just got off the phone with Master we are bringing the lap top so if there is a chance I might post a blog from Thunder which would be kind of cool to do an update in the midst of all that excitement)

I am excited about Thunder and totally nervous too….

But it will be FANTASTIC to experience Thunder with Master! And to just be in His arms again! Yummy!
The Five Precepts from the Teaching of Buddha

1. For the purpose of training I vow to refrain from taking life.

2. For the purpose of training I vow to refrain from taking what is not given.

3. For the purpose of training I vow to refrain from sexual misconduct.

4. For the purpose of training I vow to refrain from false speech.

5. For the purpose of training I vow to refrain from intoxicants which lead to carelessness.

-translated by Gil Fronsdal

Sunday, July 06, 2003

Drink deeply.
Live in serenity and joy.
The wise person delights in the truth
And follows the law of the awakened.

The farmer channels water to his land.
The fletcher whittles his arrows.
And the carpenter turns his wood.
So the wise direct their mind.

-Dhammapada, translated by Thomas Byrom

Well it is the day after the wedding and thing are coming down – but more events happening tomorrow night as it is Grumbler and wench's actual anniversary – when they joined as a D/s couple.

The wedding was so beautiful…it was unique, beautiful and fun just like Grumbler and wench's. I knew lots of details before the wedding, but did not want to let a peep out about them until after it was done…so it would be a surprise. Not that anyone reading probably went to the wedding – but I just knew wench wanted it quiet until then.

They did a Renaissance wedding. Both were in period costumes. Grumbler in layers and layers of clothing as Henry the 8th wore. And wench in a period dress as well…she looked like a princess. The dress was navy blue over silver with sheer sleeves that had tiny pearls sewed along the edges. The seamstress does costuming for Ren Fairs. The entire wedding party had outfits done by her. It was a big task for their seamstress, which is why she was still bringing them clothing the morning of the wedding. Everyone looked so good. All the men in the wedding party had swords and daggers.

It was very personalized…nothing was traditional – traditional of today – but all very old fashioned and very unique to them. The ceremony was so beautiful. I cried when they exchanged their vows even though I knew what they were going to say as I listened to them practice them the night before.

I wore wench’s Ren Wench outfit. It was REALLY comfortable. I did not wear a bra because of how the bodice laced up and then my bosom billowed up and over the top. It was so comfortable, but I think it still looked pretty good : ) At least that is what Grumbler and wench told me.

I was so wishing Master was there to enjoy the festivities with me. I am sure he would have liked it a lot.

I have a few collars. Master gave me one February 1st that will always be special. But He also has for me a thin leather choker style collar, a white wide collar, a black leather posture collar, a silver metal locking collar, plus the collar that He first put on me – it is a wider bigger chain with a gold lock.

Before I left for Memphis Master found me a new chain. It is shiny and thinner – something that can be wore everyday without it standing out too much, but still not a like a necklace chain. It has a small silver lock on it. He locked it on the night before I left. I have not taken it off since I have been here. And I even was able to wear it with the wench outfit yesterday at the wedding. It felt good to be out so much, yet not be out at the same time. I am not sure that makes sense.

It really was like Master was there with me. I love Him very much and feel so much we are already a part of each other. I hope that someday we achieve the level of bond that Grumbler and wench have and that is what I witnessed yesterday and I know will even hit home stronger tomorrow night. Master and I are very close and keep growing together more and more – but Grumbler and wench have been together through so much that they are a whole….they love each other but the power exchange and the meaning of that power exchange is evident. It is hard to find people that are like – us. That have the depth of commitment to being who we are – doing what we do – even in the lifestyle.

I love knowing people of like mind. In Ohio, I loved having a community. And most of the people I did not relate to because we all seek different things in the lifestyle, but I still liked to be socialize with people who basis is we are all into BDSM. We all do it differently but the bottom line we are all into BDSM.

With Grumbler and wench – they do D/s much like Master and I do. We seek a similar bond. And I like seeing that bond between Grumbler and wenchand knowing Master and I will grow to that depth of connection – devotion with each other – that creates the power exchange in the Master/slave relationship.

I think I am babbling and not making much sense….oh well. LOL

I miss Master…

I will be meeting Him at the airport on Friday and we will go directly to Thunder. I am of course getting nervous. Master and I live a life where most of my behavior and actions are that which people in the community do in high protocol and it is my everyday protocol. I know Master will expect that and truthfully I don’t know if I could even lower that level now. But I am nervous, as I know Master and I will probably go to a higher level at times at Thunder and that does make me a little nervous. I do not want to do anything to embarrass Him…I only want to bring honor to Him. I want to show how proud I am to be His. I want to be graceful and show my devotion to Him through my words and actions. And I am just nervous I might screw up and embarrass Him. He says that I will be fine - that I do everything how He wants and what He expects and so I should not worry. But I am a worrier lol

I am excited to go to Thunder thought to see some friends including the person who brought Master and I together. I look forward to seeing some of the speakers also. They have some good names coming in for the event.

The first day of classes – the first set there is several I would like to go to but Body Punching I know Master and I both are interested in. I have done that before a little with Master and then a few times with others….including M.

I have never seen anyone talk about that subject before so I am looking forward to it! I know another one on the final day of classes Master is interested in but I am nervous about titled: sewing, suturing and stapling.

There are quite a few others that sound good to me also. I am sure it will be fun…:)

I can’t wait to be spend a weekend with Master around open-minded BDSMer’s. He and I have not been in a social setting – together – like that yet and I look forward to it.

I know that after being a way from Him for 2 weeks though my need for being close and feeling Him thumb on me more directly is going to be so good…I need Him so much. I love Him and can’t wait to just be in His arms again and see His face….I miss His face and His hands. Okay I just miss all of Him *smiles and blushes*

Saturday, July 05, 2003

Sexy Saturday

Do you believe in saving sex/virginity until your wedding night or is it a completely outdated notion? Did you or someone you have met actually do this? What were your reasons for abstaining? In hindsight, do you think it was the right decision?

The person that does the Sexy Saturday said this was inspired because she has a wedding to go to this afternoon…

And since I do too…I thought I would answer them…

I believe it is up to the couple/person if they want to save themselves for their wedding night. I did not save myself with Jim and I am not sure I regret it, but part of me remembered wishing it were special…different in someway then it had been. Jim and I dated for 6 years so highly unlikely that we would have waited. I was not a virgin when I started dating him either. I don’t think I know anyone that saved sex for the wedding night.

On to other things now…

Congratulations to Grumbler and wench!

Today they are getting married…I am very happy for them. They are really good friends and both are considered family too me. I am very happy to be taking part in this special day with them.

So my wishes for today are that they have a GREAT day…full of joy and love.
Rudeness is a weak imitation of strength. - Eric Hoffer

Thursday, July 03, 2003

I have a few moments so thought I would do a blog entry…

This week has been busy…doing last moment things for Grumbler and wench's wedding. I know it is going to be a beautiful wedding. Grumbler and wench gave me a beautiful key chain with my slave number on it. It is really cool.

And then they also gave me a book I have wanted ever since I saw wench’s. It is called Home Comforts: The Art & Science of Keeping a Home by Cheryl Mendelson. It is a good book that tells you everything from where to begin when cleaning a house to laundering to caring for carpet and furniture and so many other things under the sun. It is a book I drool over and have wanted for a long time. I opened it and started to drool. I know it is strange to drool over a book that tells you how to clean house, but it is a fabulous book. LOL Anyone into the domestic arts…should have it : )

I got a Buffy fix. I watched the first 3 episodes of the first season last night and then one episode from the 4th season tonight. I really need to put the DVD collections on my Amazon wish list. I miss Buffy. Not more then I am missing Master right now though…

I did not realize that I would miss Him so much. Something else I am surprised about that I am missing the nice quiet structured life I have with Him. Everything is controlled and structured and quiet. I am not running around. I don’t go anywhere without Master so I only go out when He is with me. And I am missing that….me the social butterfly that loves going out and about is missing nice quiet home.

I love being here and having girl time with wench. It is fun to have someone around to giggle with, vent to, and just have fun with, but I also miss Master.

I should sign off but to remind myself topics that I would like to write about – humiliation and also age play and maybe Jim…been thinking about some regrets with him and how I need to apologize to him.

Chatting with Master and I am sure we will have a phone conversation soon….so need to get some things done before that…..oh how I miss Him. I need Him so much!

Wednesday, July 02, 2003

Friday Five on Wedneday
1. How are you planning to spend the summer [winter]? Well right now I am at Grumbler and wench's for their wedding. And then the day I go back I go straight to Thunder. And the end of the summer will be a trip to Ohio to get the rest of my things to bring home.

2. What was your first summer job? Valentino's - it was an Italian/Pizza place that I worked at on and off all through high school and even one summer back from college.

3. If you could go anywhere this summer [winter], where would you go? Well we have too many places to go this summer, but sometime I would like to go to Santa Fe...I dream about it often and feel something is there for me. I think spirituality and maybe artistically too.

4. What was your worst vacation ever? LOL ironically it was to the Grand Junction area with my family when I was about 12 years old I believe. Maybe 11 and we camped and it is the reason I hate camping to this day. First it rained almost everyday. It was flooding. We were cold. All our things got wet so we were always cold. Dad made these candles that caused us all to have black soot on our faces. Finally when we left we packed a mouse up with three screaming girls in the back seat with a fun for everyone!

5. What was your best vacation ever? Best and runner up...both were with Jim. The first was the most romantic vacation I have ever taken also that I have written about several times in this journal....Estes Park, Colorado - our anniversary - wonderful condo with a very beautiful view and lots of romantic days and nights. 2nd favorite would be our car trip to California to my cousins wedding. We did lots of stops on the way there and back....Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, Zion National Park, Glenwood Springs, Colorado and many many more places. We had a very nice time. It was the first time I saw the ocean. Grand Canyon of course was unbelievable. Zion National Park was a favorite. We did a long hike and it was just so beautiful.

Tuesday, July 01, 2003

This will be a quickie - as it is a busy day here in Memphis. But I wanted to write a little today is Our anniversary.....Master and I have been together 6 months.

I am missing Master lots.....and wishing I was able to celebrate today with Him...:(

So this will be a mushy entry....

I am thankful for having such a wonderful man as my Master. He does so much for me and I hope that I give Him back just as much as He give me...because He deserves so much.

I am not sure how to express what I just going to type....and hope it comes out with the words to express at least a little bit how I feel....

I fall to my knees and whisper…say with breathless whispers that shout in my soul…
I am yours to command, yours to own...
For without the love you give...
For with You allowing me to serve you…
My soul would be empty…and lost…
I am devoted to serving and pleasing You….

However you want me to serve You….
However you want me to please You…
I will surrender everything to You…
I was made for You, Master….
I need You, Master…
I belong to You, Master…
I am home with You, Master

Life had brought me many moments of fear, trouble and hurt…
You have made everything better…
You have made all the troubles seem so distant…
You have made all the clouds in my life seem like something in a book that was read long long ago…
You have made it safe for me to love again...
You have made it safe for me to serve and give again…

I hear Your voice in my heart and soul…
And know I am Your girl…
Thank You Master for all that You have given me….
I am proud to be Your slave…

I hope to honor You…
To serve You with grace….
To please You with dedication…
I adore and love You Master…

Happy Anniversary Master!

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